4 minute read
MONEYWISE
ANDEE HERRINGTON heardher
Sphonering lateon asweltering Septemberday in 2007, but she couldn’tpickup.Shewasbusy rallyingherfourth-grade class for onelastlesson.Afterthestudentsleft their Hamilton,NewJersey, schoolfor home, Sandee lookedat her phone andrealizedthat thecallwas from Janet,theplacement coordinatorsheand her husband,SteveVolaric, had beenworkingwith sincesigning up to be fosterparentsaboutayear before. Newtofostering—andtoparentingin general—thecouplequicklydiscovered thatthey becamedeeply attachedtothekids in their care, eventhoughthosekidshad short stays.“Wefell inlove—we couldn’t helpit,”says Sandee.
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Many kidsinthefostersystemneed only temporarycare,whilesome needpermanent homes—andthatstatuscan change.Regardless, says Steve,“these areyour kidsto keepsafe. It’shardtoswitchgearsandlet them go.”Aftera coupleofexperiences withshort-term placements and heartbreak,Sandeeand Steve,ages 34and36at the time, toldJanetthat theywouldprefertotakeonlykids whowould mostlikely needadoption.Theywantedtobuildafamily. Soacall fromJanetcouldmean onlyonething:thattheirbaby—the childthey could keepand raise and love forever—could be on theway. SaysSandee,“Myheartjumped.”
Yearning to adopt
Sandee’s pulltowardadoption beganwhenshewas not much older thanherstudentsarenow. While other middle schoolersin herFlorida hometown plastered theirwallswith postersoffavorite bands,Sandeetackedupnews storiesaboutawomanwhohad adoptedkidswithdisabilitiesfrom Russia.When she andSteve began talkingaboutchildren, “adoption wasourplanA,”shesays.
Theideaoffostercarecamelater. WhileSandeewas watchingtheTLC series Adoption Stories, an adaired aboutfosterkidswho neededpermanent homes.“Welikedthe idea ofgiving kids alreadyhere,inour neighborhood,ahome,” saysSteve, anacousticalconsultant who works with architectsoneverything from hospitalhelipads toBroadway theaters.Says Sandee,“Icalled the 800 number, andinafewdaysanintake caseworkerwas sitting on our couch!”
Thecouplelearnedthat,inNewJersey, abouta third of kidstaken intostatecustody are never reunitedwiththeir families,because theparents can’tchangecourse.For thisreason,caseworkers do“parallel planning”—searchingfor apotential adoptive homewhere kids canstayevenaswork isdonetoreunify the birthfamily. Ifthecourt hastoterminateparental rights, thefosterfamily, ideally, is readywith apermanenthome.
Sandee and Steveimmediately started the process. Over thecourse ofa couple of months, there werehomevisits,duringwhich various peoplewouldpop in.“A licensorcametomake sure that ourpaperworkwasinorder.Someone elsepulledoutatapemeasure,”saysSandee. “Theyalsocheckedto make sure thehousewas safeand made us putlocks onthe basement and attic.They evencheckedthatour petswere up ontheirvaccinations.” (Sandee hasbeenfostering dogssincecollege, andsheand Stevehavetaken careofat leasta dozenovertheyears; their foreverpets are Beauregard the Bostonterrier,Hugo theAmerican bulldog,andHarry, a JackRussell mix.)Therewere backgroundchecksandemploymentverificationsandfingerprinting.Still,itwas all easier than Sandee hadexpected:“Forthe first fewvisits,wedressed conservatively and madesurethe housewas perfect. But,honestly,youdon’t haveto beJuneCleaver.Theyjust care thatyoucan provideawarm spacewhere kidswillbesafe.”
The couplewereencouraged to discussand convey exactlywhat typeofsituationwouldberightfor them.Manycaseworkerssay honestyiswhatmakes forthe most successfulrelationships.Sandee and Steveasked forachildunder five,anyraceorgender;but they knewthatwith two full-timejobs theywouldn’tbeable to meetthe needsof kidswithaseriousdisability, sotheywerefrankaboutthat.
Welcome, Gabriel
OnthatSeptember 2007 daywhen Sandee hitplayonhervoicemail, themessage fromJanet described a 10-month-old babyboycalled Gabriel.Sandeemeltedwhen she heardhis name.“That’swhatmakes itreal,” shesays. “It’slike,‘Gabriel, hmmm, that’smy kid.’”Themessage includedcertainimportantinformation:The motherwasontrialand wouldbeunabletoraise him;there werenorelativestotakehim in; and thecurrentfosterparentwas not interested in adoption.Sandee and Stevehad threeweekstoprep. Theybought asoftrug forwhat would be his room.(Gabrielwas alreadycrawling.)They hung funky curtains and spelledoutG-A-B-Ein fabric letters onthewall.Thefoster systemisnotcut-and-dried,though, sothecouple’s excitementwasmitigatedbyfear.“Wewere justplain scaredwe’d losehim,” saysSandee. Biological familycomesfirst,soif themom’ssituation changedunexpectedly orplacementwith a relative becameviable, thatcould alterthings. Being afosterparent callsfor “leavingyourpreconceived notionsatthedoor,”saysSandee. “It’s allabout doingwhat’s bestat thattime forthechild.”
WhenbabyGabrielarrivedatthe house,thecouple’s fearwas overwhelmedbylove. “Thecaseworker handedme thisadorable boywith startling blueeyes,”says Sandee. Thensheset downa fewbagsof clothes,a binoftoys, anda letter fromthe previousfostermom detailing his scheduleandfood preferences—and soonleft.“Itwas surreal.Wewerelike, ‘Whereare yougoing?’” says Sandee.The officialadoptiontook time,butGabe wastheirsfromthatmomenton.
Welcome, Sondra
Asthefamilysettledin,thecaseworkerwouldcallwithshort-term fosterplacements,whichSandee andStevedeclined. Butwhen Gabe wasthree,theywerecalledabout a babygirlwho needed apermanent homerightaway.Theysaidyes.
Onachilly springday,Steve met a caseworkerat thefrontgateof the family’shome.Shepassed hima carrierwithfive-week-oldSondra bundled inside.Hebrought his new daughterintothewarmhouse, whereSandee and Gabewerewaiting. “Wewere justbowled over,” recalls Sandee.“Fromthe timeshe wastiny, hersmilewasinfectious.”
TheHerrington-Volarics fellinto a happilyhecticroutine.Sandee and Stevetookas muchtimeoffas theycould.And theyworkedhard tosecureday-care andpreschool spots.BothGabeandSondra learnedtowalkon thePersianrug thatSandee had scored on eBay. SandeeandSteverelishedeveryday moments—“givingthe kidstheir baths,readingtothem atbedtime, tuckingthemin,”says Sandee—and builtaswingset in theyard. “We werejust sohappyto be a family,” saysSteve.Withtwo littlekids,three olddogs,anda couple of demandingjobs, itwastimeto close their doors forawhile.
Welcome, Isaiah
WhenGabewas6 and Sondra 2½,thephonerangagain.Aswith thelife-alteringcallheralding Gabriel’s arrivalfiveyearsbefore, Sandeecouldn’t pickup.Thistime, though,thesituationdidn’twait. “I hearoverthe loudspeakerat school,‘Ms.Herrington,pleasecall your husbandwhenyou’ve finished your meeting,’” saysSandee. “The socialworkerhadcalledSteveto saythat Sondra’sbiological mother hadjust had anotherbaby,”a little brothertoSondra. “His name isIsaiah,he’s twodaysold,anddid wewanthim?”SteveandSandee understoodtheimportanceofkeepingsiblingstogether,butthat’s nottheonly thing thatswayed them.“Iwasthinking,He’salittle Sondra!” saysSteve.“Nowaycouldwe say no to that.”Itwaslike an unexpectedpregnancy,a happysurprisetoembrace.
With only hours to prepare,Sandeereached outforhelp.“Wehad justgivenawaythe baby stuff sixweeksearlier,” she says.Shephoned her friends and their friends,and magic happened. “Itwaslike,‘Wonder-team, activate!’” shesays. Thehousefilledwith stacksofonesies and fleecepajamas,tinypantsand sweaters,little socks, and bottlesandpacifiers.Threehours afterhearing hername on theintercom, Sandee washeadinghome fromthe hospitalwithan infant:“They handedmethis swaddled peanut, andthatwas it.”Before long,their littleone,Isaiah, earneda nickname that has prettymuch replacedhisgivennameathome. “Iwaswatching a ChicagoBears game andrealizedthecoach,Lovie Smith,looked likeIsaiah,”says Steve. “Iwaslike,Lovie…Lovie,” nodding firsttotheTV,thentohis son. “He’s so sweet.Itsuitshim.”
Love is allyou need
Sondra,now six andremarkablyselfpossessed,joinsher parentsatthe dining-roomtable andbegins leafing throughher“Life”book.Asshe pointsouthalf-siblings,aunts,uncles, and hertiniestself,it’sclear that she has perused these pagesmanytimes. “See,she’s tall,like me,” says Sondra ofher birth mom. Each HerringtonVolarickid hasatleast onebook documenting hisorher earliestdays. Allarewellversed in their pastsand presents, andtheyhaveeven met somebiologicalrelatives.
For anyone on theoutsidelookingin,it’sthathistory thatcan causeconcern. Sandee speaks frankly,addressingthehesitations ofsomeregardingthefostersystem:“Theworryisthatyouwillget a terribly damagedkid.”And of coursemanyfosterkidswillhave sufferedneglect, abuse,or exposure todrugs.SandeeandStevewere told that bothSondra andLovie were exposedto drugs. “Wewere warned towatch forseizures inthe early days,” says Sandee. “Butwe’ve hadnoproblems.These twoare
BUT WAIT—THERE’S MORE…
Sandee andSteve recently learnedthat twoolder siblings of Isaiah andSondrawho had been placedwith their father now need a home.The family hasset up a crowdfunding site to gettheir place upto codeso thatthey can bethat home.To learn more or donate,visit gofundme. com/makingspace. Ifyouwant tolearnabout becominga foster parent,visit childwelfare.gov or adoptUSkids.org.
whipsmartand have somuchjoie devivre.StudiesI’ve readshow that drugexposureisn’tcausingthe kind of long-termdelaysexpected.”
Gabe haslearningchallenges, buttheyhavenothingtodowith drugs;hewaseventually diagnosed asbeingontheautism spectrum. Ithelps thatSandeeisateachercertifiedinworking withchildrenwho have learningdifferences.“Weknow howtohelphim,”shesays. “That’sa powerful thingwecangive our son.”
ForSandee andSteve, being able toofferthat sortofguidance, structure,andsupporttokidswhomight nototherwisehavegotten it isthe wholepoint.“It’snotaboutmoney orclassesorpianolessons,”says Sandee,who grewupinafamily withoutmuchmoneybutrecalls her childhoodasidyllic.
Joy and sillinessabound atthe Herrington-Volarichome, asevidencedbythepartiesthat the family threwwheneachadoption was finally (finally!) official.Itwastwo years, 10months,and onedayfor Gabe(not that anyonewascounting). Sandee describes the celebration: “Backthen,Gabe[3½ atthetime] lovedeverything purple, pink,and sparkly, sowehad a princessparty. Hewore a purpletutuwithanAC/ DCT-shirt.”Sondra’spartyhappenedonawarmApril dayin 2011; nearly ahundredfriendsand family memberscame. “Sondralovedto throwherself on topofher big brother andpinhim,”saysSandee, “sowecalled herour Luchadora,” which inspired aMexican-wrestler theme (mariachimusic,hotchocolate cupcakes).Whenitwas Lovie’sturn,Sandeeand Stevechose clownsand acrobatsandabouncy castle. “Wereallywereathree-ring circus by then,” says Sandee,who sportsacircustattoothat pays tribute to thehappy chaosoftheir life. “Wedecidedtolean intoit.”
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