6 minute read
Life Lessons
Advertisement
animal rights, and enjoying the satirical eloquence ofthebroadsheetnewspapers.
When I did come across some real cultural differences, I found them funny. For instance, I once spent a long car trip riding alongwith an English friend. I’d ripped open my bag of lemon sherbets and laid it between us, inwhat I thoughtwas a clear gesture: Helpyourself.Whereas she spent the entire journey from Cambridge to Cornwallwondering,with growing irritation,why I lacked the manners to offer her one. Or again,when an old friendvisited from Ireland, my English friendswere troubled by the fact thatwe kept mocking each other savagely—slagging, aswe’d sayinDublin—andIhadtoexplainthatthiswasa sign not of hostility but its opposite, a trust so deep it allowed for making fun. In fact, it demanded mockery, because how else couldyou expressyour fondnesswithoutsoundingsoppyand sentimental?
I’m fascinated, too, bywhat happenswhenyou start all over again in a new place; the extent towhich you can reinventyourself,yes, but the amount of baggageyoulugalongaswell.Ihaveahunchthat the stamps in my passport have contributed most of my insights and prompted most of my questions. Moving country is a shortcut to seeing the stuff of everyday life as if for the first time; it haloes the most everyday interactions and objectswith strangeness, what the Formalist literary theorists of the early 20th century calleddefamiliarization.
Moving to a new place also makesyou realizewhat’s vivid—by comparison—aboutwhereyou usually live. (OnlyonceI’d left Ireland,for instance,did I realize that people all over theworld don’t make a quick, spasmodic Sign of the Crosswhen driving past a church.)We came back to Canada after our recent year in France grateful for the fact that parents and teachers don’t hit children here.And thatwe may havetotell anofficial thatwe’reatwo-mother family, butwewon’t be called on to explain or justify it; that famed Canadian politeness includes a deep respect foreveryone’scivilrights.
Of course, emigrants like myself end up neither fish nor fowl: not entirely of their place of origin nor of the place they’ve settled, and frequently griping aboutboth. (ThesedaysI complainabouthowmuch it rains back in Ireland and how long thewinters last here in Canada.) Living in a strange country is an interesting condition, and it’s like the broader human condition:We hark back to our childhood, or at least harp on it, but it’s a country towhichwe canneverreturn.
Modern Manners
REAL SIMPLE’S ETIQUETTE EXPERT, CATHERINE NEWMAN, OFFERS HER BESTADVICE ON YOUR SOCIALQUANDARIES.
My neighborwatched our pets while we wereonvacation andwon’t accept any money. I feel terribly guilty about that. Iwould like her to do it again sometime but now feel as if Iwould be taking advantage of her if I asked. I’m totally willing to pay! How should I handle this? Should I insist, or is that rude? Should I buy her a gift card or a gift?
B.C.
I love favors for the way they humble us, for the way they help create a kind world rather than a tit-fortat, payment-for-service one. Our job, as the person being served, is to accept the favor graciously and to remember that it is probably deeply satisfying for the other person. (Plus, in this case, your neighbor might genuinely enjoy visiting with your animals.) If you want to ask your neighbor regularly and are worried about the value of her time, you could put this concern right out on the table: “I’m hoping to ask you to watch our pets again, but I don’t want you to feel taken advantage of. We’d love to pay you, if you would allow it.” If she does want to petsit again—and still doesn’t want to be paid—then respect that. And sure, go ahead and bring her a little present from your trip to express your gratitude. Let your neighbor know that you’re available in return, if she ever needs someone to water her garden or walk her dog. Pay it forward, if you can, and do a favor for someone else. And, finally, know yourself. If it is truly hard for you to accept favors without feeling guilty, then keep it simple and pay a neighborhood teen to watch your pets.
About Catherine
The author of Catastrophic Happiness and Waiting for Birdy, Catherine Newman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionated children in Amherst, Massachusetts. My mother-in-law is close to my husband’s ex-girlfriend (by the way, the relationship ended on a bad note years ago) and asks us every year if she can invite the ex over for the holidays. We have actually had to arrange our plans so that she can accommodate both us and the ex. We recently moved across the country, and we’ll be visiting for the holidays this year, and we are dreading this inevitable request. We believe that my mother-in-law does this to stir up drama and have a story to tell her friends. It has really messed up our relationship with her, and we do not know how to avoid it without looking “petty,” as she says, about being forced to be around the ex. I do not mind being around the ex; I just don’t think it’s appropriate. How in the world can we make this go away?
K.C.
OK, reality check: That’s the most aggressive thing I’ve heard, even within the vast and varied category of questionable in-law behavior. Where is your husband in all of this? This is his puddle to mop up. And, given her behavior, I wouldn’t worry too much about your mother-in-law’s good opinion of you. Instead, I would remind her that your holidays are precious, your vacation time is limited, and you don’t want to continue to spend them in this awkward way. She can decide to keep inviting the ex; you can decide not to visit. That is how relationships work, and life is too short for nasty games with people you love. Unless it’s pleasurable for you to take the
high road and not react, spare yourself and refuse to play along.
I work in a small office with three other ladies. We have a monthly calendar marked with important dates and meetings as well as birthdays. Their birthdays are back-to-back in December and January, and we all celebrated them individually with cake and a small gift from the group. My birthday is in May and was on the calendar but was forgotten this year. I always go out of my way to celebrate them, but this oversight kind of hurt my feelings. I don’t want to bring it up, but is there a way to say something without sounding rude?
E.B.
Of course it hurt your feelings! It feels good to be celebrated and bad not to be—especially in the context of expected reciprocity. Still, if this omission feels more like a oneoff than like a representation of some broader neglect, I would let it go. Your coworkers care about you; they made a mistake—there’s always next year. If you do want to bring it up, though, maybe you could figure out what you’re hoping will happen. Do you want them to feel bad? Trolling for guilt is a pretty thankless endeavor, and if they fall into fits of horrified apology, you might find yourself embarrassed as well as hurt. Or do you simply want your birthday to be celebrated, even belatedly? If so, then go ahead and say something. As this December-January birthday season rolls around, suggest celebrating everybody’s birthday jointly. “We can add my half-birthday to the mix,” you could say, “since somehow we forgot to celebrate it this year!” We live as adults with our fragile little-kid hearts beating inside us. If you have a chance to shore yours up by saying something, go ahead and take it.
HAVE ANETIQUETTE QUESTION?
Submit your social conundrums to Catherine at
REALSIMPLE.COM/MODERN MANNERS. Selected letters will be featured on these pages every month.
BIGCLEAN. SMALL PRICE.
ARM & HAMMER™ Baking Soda plus OxiClean™ Stain Fighters. A powerful 2-in-1 laundry detergent.
Brighten, whiten, freshen, and SAVE UP TO 30% PER LOAD.*
*vs. the leading single use and liquid detergents
