MODERN MANNERS

EXPERTISE

5ways to join a group conversation gracefully

Canwe loopyou in?Your next round of holiday cocktail parties will be less awkwardwith these strategies for asserting— and inserting—yourself. 1

KAREN CASSIDAY Ask open-ended questions.

A lot of people make the mistake of thinking they have to tell a funny story or make a pithy comment on current events, and that’s not true.You just need to ask an openendedquestion. A good question, along with eye contact and a smile, conveys “I’m friendly, I’m approachable, and I’m interested in learning about you.”I work withclientswho suffer from anxiety, and I tell them towrite a few questions either in a note on their phone or on an index card. I particularlylike TableTopics, which are these small cards withconversation starters thatyou can get onAmazon. They giveyou interesting questions that everybody loves to think about. Something like “Ifyou had a million dollars to giveaway, what would youdo withit?” That’s great because there isn’t a right orwrong answer, so peoplewill freely share their opinions. Even better, onceyou ask the question,you don’t have to say anything at all!

Written by Liz Loerke Illustration by Ben Wiseman

2

ELAINE SWANN Get in sync.

Enteringagroup conversationis almost likeadance.When youseeagathering youwanttochatwith, youneed to make themawareofyour presence.Sidleup to thegroup,listen in on the conversation, anduseyourbody language to gainentry. Mirrorthegroup.That means if theyreactto a story,youreact.If theylaugh, you laugh—butnottoo loud, becausethat can beoff-putting. The group willinstinctivelyopen up toward youtoacknowledge thatyou arepartof theconversation.They maynot welcome you verbally,butonce theyphysicallyturnto you, evenifit’s ever soslightly, thenyou knowyou’rein.

3

Glenn Selig Offer a round of drinks. An easyway to join a group is to pop in onyour way to the bar. Interrupt quickly but politely and say, “I’m heading to the bar to grab a glass of wine. Anyonewantone?” Whenyou come back, let the conversation continue.You don’twant to betheperson who walks in and takes over. I like a “break and exit” approach. Whenyou see that there is an opening in the conversation, briefly introduce yourself:“I’m Glenn. I’m a friend of the family. I justwanted to say hello. Please go ahead—I don’twant to interrupt the conversation.”Then take a step back and listen.

NEED MORE TIPS for party talk? Go to realsimple.com/ conversation.

THE EXPERTS

KAREN CASSIDAY,

PH.D., is the president of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. She owns the AnxietyTreatment Center of Greater Chicago, in Deerfield, Illinois, where she resides. ELAINE SWANN is a lifestyle and etiquette expert based in San Diego. GLENN SELIG is a public-relations expert and the founder of the Publicity Agency, in Tampa, Florida.

4

PATRICK KING Go inwith a purpose.

I don’tlike to address thegroupas awhole.I prefertogoinatan angle andtalk to one person.Ifindthe easiestway to dothat isto giveyourselfa socialpurpose. By that I mean,ask forinformation.Thinkofit thisway:Ifyouwere lostinthewoodswith a deadGPS,would youhaveaproblem talkingtopeopleand askingdirections?No, ofcoursenot. Soask forinformation,like “Where didyoufinda parkingspot?Doyou know ifthereis an after-party?”Really, anywho,what,where, when,orwhyquestion willdo. Ifyou havea reasontotalk to someone otherthan justmakingconversation,it’smuchless daunting.

5

KAT KINSMAN Compliment someone’s shoes.

While itmaynot be themostsophisticated entrée,itworks.If you’reataholiday party,peoplehave probably dressedup. They’vemade a decisionaboutwhat they’rewearing,and theyhopesomeone noticesit.Soifthey’re wearinga beautiful pairofshoesora great pairofglasses,let themknowyouthink they’refantastic! It’s theshorthandwayof saying,“Ithinkyou’re interesting.”If you would prefernotto commentonsomeone’soutfit,complimentthehost’sdecor orthefood.Ideally everyone at theparty istherebecausethey likethis person.By entering agroupsayingsomething positive,youwillgiveoffa goodfirstimpression.

PATRICK KING is the best-selling author of Conversation Tactics and People Tactics. He lives in San Francisco, where he works as a social-skills and conversation coach. KAT KINSMAN is the senior food and drinks editor of Extra Crispy (owned by Time Inc., Real Simple’s parent company) and the author of Hi, Anxiety: Life With a Bad Case of Nerves. She lives in Brooklyn.