FASHION

IN-LAWS

CLASSIC SCENARIO: You’reprepping a holidaymeal,andyoursister-inlawis“keepingyoucompany”in thekitchen.Inotherwords, she’s hovering,wineglass inhand,and commenting on the “unusual” spices youadd andthe“cute”littleparing knifeyou usetochop thecelery. “I’d be lostwithoutmyCuisinart,” shesays,whileyoutediouslyslice Brussels sprouts intosliversbyhand.

WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON:

Whetherit’sthe scenarioaboveor your mother-in-law saying, after youmention apromotionatwork, “That’ssogreat—I’mjustsorrythe hours keepyouawayfromthe kids,”the culpritmightbe insecurity. (Might be. Or the person may simply be mean-spirited,butyourreaction isthesame.) Perhapsyour sister-inlawisunhappy inherjob—butvery goodat cooking!—oryourmotherin-lawis jealousofyourrelationship withherson. HOW TOREACT: Firsttalkyourself offthecliff.“Inthe faceofaveiled attack, attacking backisa no-win,” says LauraMarkham,Ph.D.,the authorof Peaceful Parent,Happy Kids. “Iliketo say,‘Stop,drop’— andbythat Imean anyagendayou might have—‘andbreathe.’Try to assumethebest, thattheperson hasgoodintentions,but thatyou alsohavenoneedtodefend yourself.”That way,youareless likely to respondsarcasticallyor defensively.Goforconfidence andkindness.“Bynotcontinuing thecovertattacks,youshiftthe whole toneoftheconversation,” says Markham.Trysomething like “I’vebeenmeaningtoaskyou about thatfoodprocessorofyours.I’m sureit’smuchfaster.”Ortoyour mother-in-law:“Iwonderabout thehours, too. Butright nowIfeel likethis isrightforourfamily.” Then, Markhamsuggests,youcan addsomethinggenuinely nice, suchas“Maybeyou couldgiveme a demonstrationsometime”or “Youdidanamazing jobwithyour kids” before offeringa smile. “Ifyou candothat and meanit,you all win,” shesays.You’vemaintained yourintegrity.Ifyou don’tthink that youcan swallowyourbile,change thesubject. “Say,‘Oh, I havetobring thegarbage outtothe garage,’then bolt,”saysMarkham.Orprearrange a signalwithyourhusbandso that he can swoop in.

YOUR SPOUSE

CLASSIC SCENARIO: For weeks, your husband haspromisedthat hewill take downthepumpkinnovelty lightsstrungup on theporchfor Halloween.Itwasn’tsobadthrough thefall,but nowit’safterThanksgiving. Fed up,you postashot ofyour

In the face of a veiled attackfrom a mother-in-law, never attack back. Stop, drop (meaning, youragenda), and breathe. Thisgives you time to remember thatyou have no need todefend yourself.

orange, glowing homeonFacebook, captionedsarcastically: It’s so nice ofJontoleavethese lightsasa bitofa changefor Santa, don’tyou think? Whenyougethome,the lights aredown, andhe hasaddeda reply: Publicshaming.Nice touch. WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON: This oneistricky—becausebothofyou behaved badly.“Promising and then failingtoremove those lights is actuallypassive-aggressive,”says Whitson,even if it justseemslike lazybehavior.“But so isyour response.”Your husbandhassome deep-seated annoyanceoranger that’s driving himtoignoreyour request.Youare angry andusing sarcasminsteadoftellingthe truth.A funny back-and-forthcanlighten the mood,but it’s notsolvinganything. HOW TOREACT: “Managingyour ownangerisapartoftheprocess whenyou’re dealingwitha passiveaggressiveperson, especiallywhen it’syourspouse,” saysWhitson. Start by apologizingforyourpost. Evenifhelaughs itoff,you need to forge ahead;explainthatyouwrote whatyouwrote becausehemade youfeelunimportant.“Thesekinds ofinteractions—trying toshame someonejokinglyon Facebook— chip away at a relationship,” says Whitson.“Dealingdirectly, openly, and, mostimportant,offlineis healthier foryou.”(Nottomention

family foryourfriends,who areprobably uneasyatpeekingthroughatoopersonal window.)Thenusethe incidentasa segue togetto the root ofit all: “Whenyousaythat youwill do somethingandthen don’t,itmakes mewonderifapart ofyouisangrywithme formaking therequestinthefirstplace.”Ifhe deniesthis,Whitsonsays to accept it as partoftheprocess. “Ifyou continue to gentlybutdirectly confront situations,hewillbeless comfortable reactingin hisusual manner,” she says.Wetzleragrees: “Themoreyouaddressangerina businesslike,nonchargedway,the betteroffyou’llbeinthefuture.”

OLD FRIENDS

CLASSIC SCENARIO: Afriend, who wantstohangoutmorethanyou typicallycan,textsaquestion. Youanswer, though not instantly, andyou alsochattily askhowher newpuppyis.Sherespondswitha cool “Thanks forgettingbackto me.I knowyou’rebusy.” Feeling guilty,you makea lunchdate,even thoughwork iscrazy, andshe arrives45minuteslate.Yourblood boilsasyouremembertheother times she’spulledthis—but thenshe comes outwithsomany excuses andsweetapologies thatyou figure youmust be overreacting. WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON: Is chronic latenesspassive-aggressive behavior? In thiscase,yes.You aren’tlivinguptoyour friend’s expectations,andshe’susingsubtle ways—or innocuoustexts—tomake youfeelbad. HOW TOREACT: “Passive-aggressive peoplemakeyoudoubtyourself, butyouneedtorememberthatyou didn’tdoanythingwrong,” says JudithOrloff,M.D.,theauthorof EmotionalFreedom. Yourbusyness isnottheissue here.Don’tbring upherbehavioratlunch.Aslong as yourown emotionsare roiling, it’stoo easytodole outdoses of sarcasm and endupfeelinglousy. Butresolve toset someboundaries later.“Therealityis, sometimes passive-aggressivefriends aren’t even mad atyou.They’re justmad andtakingitoutonyou,”says Orloff.Say somethinglike “Yourlast textwasprettycurt. Doyou think that’sbecauseyouwereupsetthat it tookmeawhile to respond?” AccordingtoWhitson,“The more youshinea lightontheanger,the lesslikelyshewill respondthatway thenext time.”Orsay, “I knowyou hadproblems thatmadeyou late, andIgetit.Butmyschedule is busy,too, andIwouldsoappreciate itifyoucouldbeon timenexttime.” Ifsheshows up lateagain,beeven firmer:“I loveyou, butifyoucan’t be on time,we’ll have to stop making plansfora bit.”SaysOrloff,“When wesetclearlimitswithfriends, everyone ultimatelyappreciatesit.”

YOUR FAMILY

CLASSIC SCENARIO: Asyou’reabout toscoop some gooeymarshmallowtoppedsweetpotatoesontoyour plate,yourmomsays, in frontof everyone,“Honey,youarelooking soslimand beautiful. Maybeyou want toskipthose?” WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON: Who knows?Jealousyofyour youth? Anattempttoretainsomepower overyourlife asyoubecomean independentadult(morelikely)? Habit?Gettinginto the subject, though,sendsyourightbackto middleschool.“Evenwhenyou’re age30, the smallestthingsyour familymemberssay cantrigger those oldfeelings,”saysWhitson. Butthat doesn’tmeanthatyou have to lie downandtake it. HOW TOREACT: Do notengage. Simplysay,“Thanks,butI really like them,” asyoutake the scoop. Thenpassthedishtoyourtable neighbor, strikingup a conversation asyoudothis. “Ifyoudon’t givethe passive-aggressivefamilyauthority anyjuice,itends things,”saysOrloff. “Shedoesthistodisempoweryou, butshecan’tifyoustay feelinggood aboutyourself.”That said,ithelps to prepare.Assume that some family member is goingtosay something annoying or hurtful andyou’llbe less likely totakethebait. It might also help tofigure outbeforehandwhere zingersmay come from. Sowhen yourmom commentsonyourhairor yourunclesnidelymentionsyour maritalstatus,you’llbereadywitha simple,shut-it-down comment,and youmightevenenjoythechallenge

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*When fed daily, Milk-Bone® Brushing Chews® are as effective as brushing a dog’s teeth twice a week based on the reduction of tartar build-up. ofmanaging the situationproperly. Aftertheholidaysareover,you canrevisitany offendingcomments by saying, in theleastcondescending toneyou canmuster, something like “Youknow,whenyou saystuff likethat,itembarrassesme,and I don’t thinkyoumeantodothat.”

KIDS

CLASSIC SCENARIO: Beforeafamily gathering,youask yourteenage daughter to helpwrappresents,and shesays,“Sure—in aminute.”Ahalf hourlater, she’sstillbinge-watching seasonfive of GilmoreGirls, soyou ask again.Again shesays, “Sure—in a minute”(exasperatedandsnippy this time).Halfan hour later,you’re still waiting. WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON: Yes, thisispassive-aggressive behavior. “Itmushrooms in adolescence because teensaretryingto develop autonomywhilestillrelyingon— andresenting—yourcontrol,”says Wetzler. It’s notnecessarily defiance;it’sconfusion. MauriceJ. Elias,Ph.D.,acoauthorof TheJoys& OysofParenting, says,“Whenteens areuncooperative, oftenit’s because they don’t know howthey feel— aboutrelatives,abouthowmuchto participate, about the presentthat they bought.Theyaretrying to figurethingsout.”And insteadof layingalloftheir emotionsbare, and possiblygetting angry,theyrelease thepressureinotherways. HOW TOREACT: Consider this anopportunitytohelpyourteen becomeanassertive adult,not a passive-aggressiveone. Ina lighthearted tone, helpher to recognize herinner conflictbysaying, “You seem tornaboutall ofthisholiday stuff.”When she firesbackwith “Becauseyouare annoying me!” followwith“Iknowthistimeofyear can beoverwhelming,andGranis probablygoingtocriticizewhat youwear,butfamilytraditionsare important.Let’s promisetohelp each other throughthe rocky parts, OK?”Not onlywillyouhelpher untangle her emotionsbutyou willalso sendthemessagethatit’s normaltobe botheredbyfamily interactions.Andtakeheart:When handledappropriately inhappy households,adolescents’passiveaggressivebehavior almost always disappears.“Oncetheyget asense oftheirownautonomy,kids outgrow it,”saysWetzler. Ofcourse,parentscan’t always respondlike saints.So thenexttime your 16-year-oldrolls her eyesat you, Brandt says, it’sperfectlyfine tocallher on it: “Thatfeelsdisrespectful.Isthereanywayyoucould saywhatyoumeantbyputtingthat inasentence?”

COWORKERS

CLASSIC SCENARIO: Youaredeep intoaprojectwhenyoutake acouple ofextradaysoff forChristmas. Despitelettingeveryoneknow that youareworkingthroughyour vacation andthatyou should still be on every e-mailchain,you hearfroma colleaguethat,inyour absence, the projectmoved to a newstagewithoutyourinput. WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON: One oftwothings.Theculprit may bevyingwithyoufor creditand deliberatelycuttingyouout. “Technologymakespassive-aggressive behavior easier.Youcankeep people out of the loop by pretending thatyou forgottoaddthemor byclaiming therewassomething

wrongwiththeir reception,”says Crowley.Oritcouldbe asimplemistake. HOW TOREACT: Treatthesituationas a simple mistake,even ifyourgutsays it’snot.Firing offa sarcastice-mail willonlymakeyou lookunprofessional. “Italso doesn’twork to confront the personwithsomethinglike‘Youalways dothat. Clearlyyouhaveaproblem with me,’” says Crowley.A passiveaggressivepersonwill rarely admitto thebehavior, so in theendyou may look likethecrazyone.Ifpossible, handlethesituationface-to-face.Go toyour coworkerand firmlysay,“I’m sureitwasn’tyourintentiontoleave me offthat chain. Goingforward,please remembertoinclude meonalle-mails about theproject.”Turnitinto asimple business transaction.

BOSS

CLASSIC SCENARIO: You askforanew project, andyourboss hitsyouwith “Youknowthisrequires 200 percent, andyou’vegot so muchonyourplate! YouareSupermomwiththosethree kids!Whatdoyouthinkabout Megoverseeing theprojectwithyou?” WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON: Make no mistake,yourbossisimplying that youcan’thandlethejob. Goaheadand getintouchwithyouranger,butuse it wisely. HOW TOREACT: Youdon’twant to roll over.Neitherdoyouwant toyellthat she’s notpayingyouenoughtohire a full-timenanny. Instead,offera compromise. Inacalm, assertive manner, say, “Ihearyouhave concerns, butit won’t be aproblem.Howaboutwe keep in close contact,and ifyouhave problemswith mywork,youcan letme know.I’malwaysopen to feedback.”

PEACE ON EARTH Memorize these 10 go-to phrases for softening a potentially hostile situation. Go to realsimple.com/peace.