8 minute read
HANGOVERS
JESSICA & LAUREN LEIBOWITZ
ON JESSICA (left): A metallic T-shirt looks sleek tucked into a waistdefining kneelength fringe skirt. Accessories are easy—just go with anything statement-making (here, boho gold jewelry and a beaded clutch).
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ON LAUREN (right): Floral appliqués and peekaboo lace elevate this quintessential A-line dress. The inverted pleats add volume (without bulk) to flatter hourglass figures.
TO BUY
ON JESSICA: Zara shirt, $40, zara.com for similar styles. Lauren Ralph Lauren skirt, $40, marshalls.com.
ON LAUREN: Topshop dress, $160, topshop.com.
Written by
Brandi Broxson
Photographs by
João Canziani
DECKED OUT
Need some holiday-outfit inspo? Letthese four pairs of sisters (withdifferent shapes, different styles) beyour guides.
fashion
KERRY SHAW VLACHOU & KAREN SHAW LORENZO
ON KERRY (left): This dress has it all—romantic off-the-shoulder sleeves, a plunging neckline, intricate cutouts at the waist. Pair it with twinkly drop earrings and hit the town.
ON KAREN (right): This jeweltone stunner is buttoned-up enough for the office party. The playful ruffle and waistcinching belt give straight figures a little more shape.
TO BUY
ON KERRY: Topshop dress, $280, topshop.com.
ON KAREN: Reiss for Bloomingdale’s dress, $360, blooming dales.com.
fashion
COURTNEY & BRANDI SPILLER
ON COURTNEY (left): A flowy patterned maxi skirt showcases curves while providing coverage. Balance proportions with a fitted black sweater and simple pumps or flats.
ON BRANDI (right): Iridescent accordion pleats feel celebratory (without looking too saccharine) when paired with a structured top. Since it’s a midi cut, add strappy pumps to lengthen legs.
TO BUY
ON COURTNEY: Talbots sweater, $149, talbots. com. Alice + Olivia skirt, $695, blooming dales.com.
ON BRANDI: Ralph Lauren top, $350, tjmaxx.com. Zara skirt, $70, zara.com for similar styles.
fashion
DAWN KURTZ CROMPTON & SONIA KURTZ GRASSE
ON DAWN (left): Winter white trousers stand out in a room full of LBDs. A lattice peplum top with bell sleeves is visually arresting and adds arm coverage.
ON SONIA (right): Crimson taffeta feels inherently festive for dinner and dancing. A bateau neckline flatters broad shoulders and serves as the perfect canvas for a dazzling statement necklace.
TO BUY
ON DAWN: Designers Remix Charlotte Eskildsen top,$340, Bloomingdale’s, 800-232-1854. Talbotspants, $99, talbots.com.
ON SONIA: Adrianna Papell dress, $160, adrianna papell.com.
FOR ADDITIONAL BUYING INFO, SEE CREDITS (PAGE 218).
BRIGHT IDEAS
OFFERS
EVENTS
FINDS
GIVEAWAYS
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PREPARE EVERY DISH TO PERFECTION
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When you’re ready to move on and move up, when you’re ready to invest in your passion, you’re ready for Vitamix.
MAKE HOLIDAY MEALS MORE SPECIAL WITH CALIFORNIA WALNUTS
Want to make all of your holiday meals more special? Simply add a handful of California walnuts. It doesn’t matter what you’re making—salads, snacks, appetizers, veggies, main dishes and especially holiday baking. A sprinkle of crunchy California walnuts adds flavor, texture, and nutrition to all of your holiday recipes. For simply delicious recipes from our Maple Walnut Sweet Potato Casserole to tasty Chocolate Walnut Crinkle Cookies and much more, visit walnuts.org.
HOW TO TOAST CALIFORNIA WALNUTS:
Ingredients: ¼ cup (or quantity desired) California Walnuts
Directions: Preheat oven to 350° F. Arrange walnuts on a cookie sheet in a single layer. Bake 8 to 10 minutes. Enjoy!
Ever said that about someone?Areyou sure what it means? (FYI, it’s not just a synonym for annoying.) Here’s how to identify and tackle the issue head on—just in time for some cozy holiday togetherness.
CONSIDER THEFOLLOWING: Your friendtextsyoua questionand, afteryouanswer,writes, “Thanks fortextingmeback.Iknow howbusyyouare.”Yourcoworker apologizesforforgetting to invite youtoameeting.Yourmother-inlaw says,“Greatjobon that turkey!” Allgood, right?Sowhydoyoufeel punched in thegut? Becausemaybe those seeminglynicecomments weren’tnice at all.Maybeyou’ve beenhitwith apassive-aggressive jab—a hurtfulaction(or,insome morecomplicated cases,an inaction) indisguise. Feeling offabout an exchangemaybea signthatyour friend’s text was dustedinsarcasm, your coworker purposefully left youoffthe meeting invite,andyour mother-in-lawthinks thatyouhave theturkey-roasting skills of an eight-year-old.“Passive-aggressive behavior issugarcoated hostility,” says ScottWetzler,Ph.D.,theauthor of LivingWiththePassiveAggressive Man. “Itappearsinnocuous,but underneath there is alot of anger. It’smeanttohurt.”Worse,itis nearlyimpossibletocall outthe perpetrator,whocan squirmaway with asimple “You’resosensitive!” or“Oh, comeon, itwasajoke.”And bytheendoftheexchangeyou are convinced thatyou’rethecrazy one.It’smurkywaters. Let’swadein together,shall we?
Written by Sharlene Breakey Illustrations by Anna Parini
family
Passive-aggressive behavior: the definition
It all startswith being angry—about the past, about a perceived injustice (true or not), about being treated unfairly.According to SigneWhitson, a coauthor of The AngrySmile, there are fourways to express anger. (We’ll get to the fourth—most healthy—way later on.)The first is plain old aggression, “whenyou openly trample on other people, puttingyourself first,” she says. Next there is being passive,when people justwithdraw.The third is being passive-aggressive, which,contrary towhatyou may think, isn’t a combination of the first two. Rather, it’s a covertway of expressing anger. It goes beyond the classic backhanded compliment. It’s the coworker who agrees to helpyou on a project, then doesn’t do thework; the friendwho consistently arrives late for lunch dates; the spousewho tellsyou to pick the takeout, then complains aboutyour choice; the teenagerwho says he’ll take out the trash but leaves it; the roommate who brings homeyour favorite flavor of ice cream right afteryou’ve said thatyou’re trying to loseweight. “It can be as simple as ‘forgetting’ to send someone a holiday card, just to make her feel bad,” says Katherine Crowley, M.Ed., a coauthor of Mean Girlsat Work. In each scenario, there’s an underlying lack of care and an intent towound, even if it’s not obvious.
Why dowe act this way?
The main reason:We’re afraid to express anger.And when wetamp it down too far, it finds away to come out sideways. “There is a taboo against anger. It’s not considered a healthy emotion, even thoughyou can’t navigate life successfullywithout it,” saysAndrea Brandt, Ph.D., the author of 8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness. “Some people grow up in households where they can’t express feelings openly—maybe it’s abusive or just frowned upon—so they learn to do it in hiddenways,” saysWetzler. In fact, the termwas first used clinically duringWorldWarII to describesoldiers who weren’t directly defiant, knowing they could face retribution, butwho found ways to avoid following orders.With kids—who are struggling to express frustration or anger in the face of authority (their parents)—passiveaggressive behavior can show up in a number ofways: stalling, sarcasm, or plain old eye rolls. It’s all an attempt to release pressurewithout overt rage.
Insecurity is anotherdriver of passive-aggressivebehavior.Dread— ofharming relationships, of being perceivedas “notnice,”of getting fired—cancauseustotossoffa Teflon-coated sarcastice-mailor a backhandedcompliment.And forwomen,being passive-aggressive canbea sneakywaytobecompetitivewhen straight-onaggression may resultinunfairlabeling. “For survivalpurposes,womenlearn totendand befriend,soincompetitiveenvironmentsitcanbeharder toproclaim, ‘I’mgoingtobeatyou,’” says Crowley.
WHO, ME? PASSIVEAGGRESSIVE?
“Many passive-aggressive people don’t realize what they’re doing,” says Andrea Brandt, Ph.D., the author of Mindful Anger, a Pathway to Emotional Freedom. Could that be you? If you frequently feel inadequate, frustrated, irritable, or depressed, it’s easy to want to undermine the self-esteem of others. Ask yourself a few questions: Do I have a hard time saying no, then ignore the work after I agree to take it on? Do I feel as if people in authority are trying to thwart me—and does that make me want to cut them down to size? Does my need to be thought of as a nice person make direct confrontation difficult?Yes, yes, yes? Try the following tactics. RECOGNIZE your anger. “Emotions like anger are felt by our bodies first—our heart beating faster or a heaviness in our chest,” says Brandt. Give yourself space before reacting. THINK before you speak. “If you feel something bad welling up, just don’t say anything,” says author Katherine Crowley. Take a deep breath and walk away. Given time and an alternativeoutlet (say, a long walk), theanger will dissipate. TALK it out with someone else. Find your spouse or a friend—someone safe— so you can vent before youremotions take on an unwieldy life of their own. MAKE AMENDS. If you do say something jabby, ask yourself, “Did I do that to hurt them?” If the answer is yes, be honest and apologize.
Whatwe should be doing instead
The best response is to tackle anger the fourthway: assertively.And, sigh, it’s the hardest. “I tell people to make friendswith their anger, to consider it a basic part of being human that ebbs and flows,” says Whitson. Only afteryou feel in control, understandingyour anger or insecurity, canyou respond assertively but calmly—with respect for the other person. Of course, that’s if you are the one being passiveaggressive. (Ifyou’re not sure, see box, above.) Butwhat ifyou’re on the receiving end? It’s bound to happen—especially at this time of year. “Passive-aggressive behavior flourishes during the holidays,when everyone’s stress is peaking and the jockeying between family members is endless,” says Crowley. To help, here are seven common situationswith appropriate reactions and responses. (Good luck.)
