PARENTING

“You should be grateful!”

Unfortunately, simply telling kids how thankful they should be doesn’t make them feel actual gratitude. Here’s what does work.

LAST HOLIDAY SEASON, R AMSEY HOOTMAN planned an activity for her sevenyear-old’s Cub Scout den. Because of COVID-19, the group had to forgo its traditional carolling and toy drive. Instead, Hootman had arranged for the kids to make cards for seniors at a local assisted-living facility.

Unfortunately, the kids weren’t interested. “I had a really hard time getting any of them to participate,” Hootman says. She eventually persuaded her sons to make a few cards but felt disheartened by their lack of enthusiasm. Leading up to the project, Hootman had talked with her children about how lucky their family was to be together and how important it was to help others who weren’t able to see loved ones. Why didn’t her kids seem to be thankful?

We all want our children to appreciate the good things in their lives—perhaps never more so than now. But experts say that asking children to show gratitude isn’t the same as cultivating it. Here’s how they recommend approaching the topic.

DITCH THE EXPECTATIONS

Telling kids to show gratitude isn’t an effective way to get them to do it. Instead, they sense the judgment or the pressure fuelled by our preconceived ideas about how they should behave, says Emily Edlynn, a clinical psychologist in Illinois.

“It’s hard to preach gratitude,” says Laura Greenberg, a registered psychotherapist in Toronto. While parents should encourage kids

to take part in different experiences—from volunteering to donating toys—we need to let go of any expectations that kids respond a certain way to these activities. Gratitude is a feeling that comes from the inside, Greenberg says, “so we can’t just tell someone to be thankful and that person becomes thankful.”

MAKE SPACE FOR ALL EMOTIONS

Lindsay Holly, a licensed clinical psychologist and assistant professor at Marquette University in Wisconsin, says embracing gratitude can be hard for kids—especially “when what they’re experiencing is a lot of loss right now of things that they used to have,” like the ability to socialize freely without worrying about things like hand sanitizer and masks. But kids don’t have to choose between being sad and being thankful. “Both are real, both are important and both are useful emotions to have and to talk about,” says Holly.

When our kids are upset, we tend to jump to “fix-it mode,” says Greenberg. But if we allow ourselves to be present in those tough feelings with our children, we’ll help them understand that all of their emotions are valid, even the uncomfortable ones. Over time, this practice enables kids to develop emotional self-efficacy— the ability to tolerate and cope with different feelings—and become receptive to gratitude.

MODEL THANKFULNESS

Children are constantly observing us, says Edlynn. Rather than telling them how we’d like them to feel, we can be role models in expressing our own gratitude. That might mean sharing what brings us joy during the pandemic. For example, you might say to your kids, “Even though I’ve missed seeing a lot of people this year, I’m really grateful that I’m still able to meet up with a friend to walk our dogs.”

RECOGNIZE THAT KIDS’ PERSPECTIVETAKING SKILLS ARE DEVELOPING

Let’s say your kids complain that school is boring now because of pandemic restrictions. Your knee-jerk reaction might be to remind them how much worse some other kids have it.

This type of perspective-taking is a skill that kids are still developing. Children learn mainly through experiences, so talking about something in that abstract way might not sink in.

Along these lines, Hootman now realizes why the card-making project didn’t resonate with her kids: They couldn’t see or otherwise interact with the seniors they were supposed to be helping.

We can encourage our kids to practise perspective-taking by asking them open-ended questions. Greenberg suggests saying something like, “I was reading about so-and-so. What do you think it would be like for that person?”

REMEMBER THAT GRATITUDE ISN’T A FIX FOR NEGATIVE FEELINGS

For kids and adults alike, some amount of anxiety and depression is considered “normative” right now, says Holly. While being thankful can potentially help us feel better, gratitude interventions alone aren’t likely to alleviate anxiety and depression. If children are experiencing intense symptoms, “the recommendation would certainly be to seek out professional forms of therapy,” says Holly.

Gratitude is valuable in itself, but it’s not a cure for negative emotions—nor does it need to be. There are benefits to embracing gratitude, says Greenberg, “but there’s also the power that comes from learning to accept the negative feelings that you have.” —Gina Rich

4 ways to say thanks with a craft

Grateful kids are happier, more compassionate and engaged. Th ese simple projects can help them get in touch with their thankful side.

1. “Lucky me!” jar

This is like the kid version of a gratitude journal. Decorate a jar with photos of things they’re grateful for (like their puppy or their family). Each evening, your child can write down (or dictate what you should write) something they’re grateful for that day, then fold the paper and toss it into the jar. They’ll amass a collection of happy memories that they can read (or have you read) whenever they need a li .

2. Secret Santa with a twist

Ask your child to draw a picture, design a cra or help you bake cookies for someone they care about. Your kid can then leave the present by the person’s front door, ring the bell and run away (alert the person that you’re coming so they won’t be alarmed). Kids love making a stealthy delivery!

3. Homemade coupons

Help your child brainstorm and design coupons for fun shared experiences, such as a coupon for a game of tag for a sibling or a trip to the garden centre to help pick out annuals for Mom.

4. Silver lining posters

Identifying silver linings in disappointing situations teaches gratitude. Your daughter lost the hockey game, but she made a new friend. Your son’s dance class got cancelled, but the last-minute museum trip ended with ice cream. The silver lining can become the theme of a poster. A er they’re done painting or drawing, pull out your silver gli er glue so they can add a literal silver lining with a hopeful phrase or whimsical design. —Lisa Fields