des (imp)ressions: Trying to Be Like the Dog

TRYING TO BE LIKE THE DOG

by LAZARUS McCLOUD

Roughly, early September thru mid November

THE IDEA is to be accountable to my thoughts, ideas, and impressions in a frank (at times impish) manner.

THE BIGGER IDEA is that making things facilitates happiness, and making sense of goings-on facilitates art.

THE TITLE of the zine is sort of in French because i like to pretend that i’m competent with it when there are wordplay opportunities. Des impressions: an undefined yet plural number of impressions, emphasis on imp (English). The French-ness is half-assed but i like it because then the title can be abbreviated to something like “daze-emp.”

THE FREQUENCY will be determined by spirit, but will hopefully pick up where i left off.

THE ZINESTER is a queer-type/nostalgically-oriented/raised-Catholic “child of mixture” who’s in love with Truman Capote and other people/things, frequently.

Autumn for Elaine Raking the leaves of my first love’s mother makes the house painter tell me i’m an Ambitious Little Girl.

Well, what is true is that i like the child of someone rich or slicking through a city’s streets have not held a rake since i was around 8 when it seemed more like toy than tool.

Yet i am making piles of dead things, scoop leaves & empty acorn caps awkwardly hand full by handful into shiny black bags reducing reducing like fractals till i find myself on hands & knees, fine raking the grass with my fingers want to snag every last, impossible leaf so that the grass can both grow & sleep in peace till i scream stop at my self because i can’t yet i know that to clear what’s died to let breathe what’s alive could go on, precisely, forever & yet here, i doing yardwork for the mother of my first love like some practicing pseudo son-in-law-i once wanted to be. See: i even took off my shirt right after checking my nails because i can’t stop & oh, there’s the sun. Say, sun, why d’you shine so bright?

Like it isn’t November?

Like you like the leaves couldn’t stop if you wanted too

I am so homesick for the trip i took to California in September,

During the trip, i visited my family in Los Angeles and Laguna Nigel and drove up the coast on Highway 1 in a rented car and spent one night in Carmel and 5 nights in San Francisco.

It made me really very happy.

I went alone and that was mostly great. But one day in SF i felt really lonely and purposeless. I was walking in the Castro and this one midriffbearing queen looked me over, then gave me the pussy-eating hand gesture. It really made me feel better about everything, and less alone.

so i drew a picture of my picture of it.

And so i did revisit his papers at the New York Public Library, spending most of the 3 hours pouring over the handwritten manuscript of Answered Prayers, noting its nuances, including the way T crossed out his errors.

(Incidentally, this was the same day my computer was stolennnn)

FROM THE NOTEBOOK…

Sweet conversation with my 12 year-old cousin

http://therumpus.net/2014/10/the-sunday-rumpus-essay-naked-ladies/

LUV openly misogyn istic ads, whether classic or contemp orary <3

MOOOOVIES â&#x20AC;Š

THE MASTER (2012) A rewatch forsure, but so compelling still.

SO Hegelian.

NIGHTCRAWLER (2014) Not my usual cuppa, but interesting things to say about opportunism, compassion, and the generally phony nature of the news

f the film Much o s the concern an m strange riving me d behind e city of th around eles Los Ang g a bein (driving otif ential m s s e t in u s q ovies, a of L.A. m d). The e we learn aw the s e night sh us had a ar film, Laz ected” in ir d dream “ style, in e the sam e was h which s oung y both the ing man driv the ly in aimless e, the m car, and oman w l beautifu ften o he was for. g searchin

MODEL SHOP (1968) Not much happens, but the late ‘60s aesthetics made a deep impression on Lazarus. The film fit nicely with its partner in the double feature Lazarus saw it in @ the Castro Theatre in San Francisco, CA, L.A. Plays L.A., a video essay about the relationship between Los Angeles and the film industry.

BIRDMAN (2014) Both not and better than what i expected. Made me miss my playwriting days. Brings together basically…everything: success, love, art vs. entertainment, legacy, relevance, fate, power, doubt, etc., etc.

MICHAEL JACKSON: THE LIFE OF AN ICON (2011) Fascinating, and also so many feelings; see below

J’AI TUÉ MA MÈRE (I KILLED MY MOTHER) (2009) So, he doesn’t really kill his mother, which is a relief. Though my relationship with my primary maternal figure was never as contentious as the one portrayed here, the difficulty of concealing a same-sex romantic relationship as a high schooler and the tensions that causes resonated.

HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (1959) Watched it because it was Halloween, and it’s a real classic, and it was referenced in the aforementioned video essay L.A. Plays L.A., but it turned out to be more of a crime movie than a supernatural one, which was a bit disappointing for my personal tastes.

WHIPLASH (2014) I…god. I don’t even know. I just saw this this afternoon so it hasn’t really digested but just, damn. Finally, a film intense enough to make me cry from just that. And the last seven minutes or so…i was actually transported. Absorbed, i assure. Consumption. Absorption. Obsession.

Passion. And yet, not romantic. Artistic. Not to knock intense romance stories, but we have plenty of those. Yet it is undoubtedly erotic! Multidirectionally so. The way Andrew takes all that power back, And Fletcher, seeing the greatness, cedes to co-creation. It’s a fucking beautiful, dyadic, erotically creative moment. Also potentially Hegelian. Brav-fucking -o!

The other week, i pulled the Devil, a first time since i started using tarot cards. At first it was upsetting, but then i read a bit more about what the card can mean, and came away with this interpretation for myself: “Devil, left--Negative energy/mental bondage/same negative narrative receding; shaking off of mental bondage and negative subconscious patterns/cycles (could include fears, insecurities, addiction, lack of motivation, self-doubt, etc). Recognition that i am in control of much of the negativity in my life/mind and creating new patterns.”

After the week of the Devil was over, i reflected back on it: “So much of me seeing self-imposed negative patterns in others, as well as seeing efforts toward ending them. Now i just need to hold onto that awareness and continue to try to identify and end them in my own mind/practices.”

Good to keep in mind. Empowering, really, if initially disturbing.

zine by LAZARUS McCLOUD lazarusmccloud.tumblr.com

Photo taken at

Philadelphiaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s MAGIC GARDENS, a mosaic folk art environment created by ISAIAH ZAGAR