April Fool’s
Lake Braddock Secondary School
The Barely Factual
9200 Burke Lake Road • Burke • Virginia • 22015
Contents / April Fool’s 5
The Barely Factual Miscreants
10
Royalty Dictators-in-Chief Benny Tobin and Joshy ‘Novak’ Wartel (Micro) Managing Saki and Miggy Spellcheck Tommy Kendziora Future Nurse: Kathryn(y) Helmke
Minions 8
Special Edition 5 Manifesto
12 Deceiving Colors
Students mistakenly endorse Marxist propaganda in technology agreement.
Students debate whether the official colors of LB are actually purple and gold or not.
6 Junk Food
14 Your Future
Students are smuggling food out of the cafeteria thanks to Michelle Obama’s new regulations.
From Aries to Virgo, the Barely Factual’s horoscopes spell out the future for all viewers.
8 True Art
15 Ball is Life
In this issue’s “Creative Commons,” see pieces that would put Picasso to shame.
Since the beginning of time, man has believed the philosophy that ball really is life.
10 Fire Mixtape
16 Johnston
Physics teacher and lyrical engineer Chris Beatty causes fire with his mixtape.
Meet this issue’s athlete of the issue, a master videogamer who is insanely athletic.
Tom Anderson, Paul Barnhill, Marianne Beveridge, Ian Bivona, Megan Cantwell, Gerardo Cerna, Ben Concepcion, Andrew Clinton, Dinali Dassanayaka, Ayman Farid, Kinaya Hassane, Amanda Hendrix, Claire Hollinger, Jake Hruska, Steve Hong, Kevin Hua, Michael Galligan, Jake Gold, Daniel Jarris, Spencer Jolley, Katie Karlinchak, Demetris Karounos, Patrick Kearney, Aya Khaznadar, Lucia Kim, Maggie Komoniewski, Tu Lam, Devon Lee, Hannah Lim, Yaitza Lopez, Anne Merrill, Ryan Mullins, Michael Murphy, Alex Nesterovich, Hao Nguyen, Connor O’Neill, Vickie Park, Jesse Sands, Bunyamin Sevim, Nikki Sheppard, Maddie Sievers, Elena Simon, Jordan Small, Marcell Subert, Marleen Tipu, Katie Vinson, Nathan Zelalem Note from the Editors, Throughout this year, we have strictly reported on the factual news and events of our school to inform the public. For April Fool’s, however, we are practicing satire, which is meant to shed light on various issues while using a bit of comedy and humor. While we do push the envelope with this issue, we want everybody to know that everything in this issue is completely made up. This issue is an expression of our First Amendment rights, which guarantee our freedoms of speech and of the press. Now that we have clarified this, turn to the next page, delve into the special edition, and enjoy.
Page 3 / Briefs
Breaking News!!!!!!! 1 #openFCPS
Numbers Two Know
24 The number of LB seniors (out of 620) that have not yet shown signs of senioritis.
#openFCPS
1theThe number of people who care about NCAA Tournament bracket you filled out. That one person is you. Now keep your feelings to yourself.
#openFCPS 1. After being absolutely fed up with snow day after snow day, students took to Twitter with the campaign #openFCPS to pull up their horrible grades. 2. Two competent news anchors miraculously make it through a broadcast without a mispronunciation. 3. Who knew that two computer keys could cause such great evil?
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fter a plethora of snow days during the winter, several students are tired of missing out on their education. These students have taken to Twitter, rallying around the hashtag #openFCPS. At-large school board member Ryan McElveen, who had long been praised as a savior for announcing cancellations, was flooded with hate for his failure to announce that FCPS would be open.
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his year, for its annual April Fool’s episode, the Morning Bru delivered an error-free, well-put-together news program. There were no awkward pauses, every name was sounded out correctly and the packages contained great information.“We wanted the product to be drastically different from what we usually put out, and what better way to do that than ditch the cooking feature stories and give the viewers some real news,” broadcast adviser Justin Toney said.
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massive wave of panic swept over the administration on March 12, as a student was able to escape the Virginia writing SOL by pressing ALT+TAB. Tech support was called in, and after several attempts to restart the TestNav system, the student was able to resume the test after clicking on the Internet Explorer icon.
to understand how percentages work.
0 The number of editors that looked this over before we ran it. That’s unfortunate, because typos are lawful.
10,000 The number of pears that were on display at a recent Rick Ross concert. The pears were arranged in a pyramid and received a special shout-out during the performance.
84% The percentage of viewers who silently cried at the end of the finale of Parks and Recreation. The other 16% lied.
32 The number of pages per issue of The Bear Facts that the average reader does not read per issue, including this one.
2,305 The number of Diet Cokes sold out of teacher’s lounge vending
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n an effort to encourage superior participation and performance in government and U.S. history classes, LB’s Social Studies Department has issued a new warning to all seniors: Those who fail or do not attend classes will have their names sent to the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, and put onto the U.S. Terrorist Watchlist. They will have difficulty flying planes and making purchases online. “Those who don’t care about America are obviously in league with the likes of ISIS and ISIL.” AP U.S. History teacher Dan Maxwell said. ”Steps need to be taken to preserve our safety and our American way of life.”
138% The percentage of students in a recent survey that claimed
machines weekly.
2OneThedoesnumber of publications in L202. actual journalism, and the other produces the yearbook.
5 The number of readers who successfully made it to the bottom of this page. Congrats on joining the club!
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This page was compiled and written by Thomas Kendziora, the No. 1 Blue Tank Engine and Marcell Subert, city correspondent.
LIBERAL EDITION
“Possible #1 Best Seller” “Almost as good as really loud rap music!” “This ebook will make you happy that you can read.” Now Available on Amazon.com Barnes & Noble Apple iBooks Kobo
“Better than video games!” “Youngsters all across the country are going crazy over this ebook!”
Practically written for ipads
Politixworks.com
News
Page 5
“I can’t believe I red and said ‘I agree’ to Communism”
Revealed as Marxist propaganda, BYOD policy is the latest shot fired in a new Cold War by Ben Concepcion - Comrade
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he new Bring Your Own Device policy has been hailed as a convenient, new innovation by some, and a despicable control mechanism by others. However, no one expected it to be the latest in a series of attempts to create a Marxist society in Fairfax County. After the communist victories in the cafeteria and Bruin Block, Marxists appear to have turned their attention to controlling the increase in personal devices. “I was absolutely shocked to read what I saw in the BYOD policy,” junior Joseph Briggs said. Briggs was extremely bored one afternoon, and having the choice between doing his APUSH homework and reading a 10,000 page document on Fairfax County bureaucracy, he took the only tolerable option. “What I red was absolutely shocking,” Briggs said. “I found the entire copy of the Communist Manifesto inside the enormous Bring Your Own Device terms and agreements document. I can’t believe I red and said ‘I agree’ to communism.” Apparently, tens of thousands of students across FCPS have also agreed to all of Karl Marx’s statements in his famed Communist Manifesto, perhaps without even realizing it. It’s rumored that the terms and agreements policy document may also contain excerpts or the entirety of Mao’s Little Red Book, Lenin’s The State and Revolution, Castro’s History Will Absolve Me, FCPS’s own Student SR&R, and other communist literature. However, none of this can yet be confirmed because nobody, after months of reading, has been able to finish the document. In an event that FCPS claims is entirely unrelated, a new school-sponsored club is apparently taking the place of the CIA. This new club named Kids Giving Back (KGB) is planning to
host a 31 Acts of Camaraderie program this April. To add to the process of flexing and traveling between classes, roadblocks will be added in every hallway. These checkpoints, staffed by safety and security assistants would require students to produce paperwork to pass through. Principal Dave Thomas claims that this new process helps the school keep students accountable and monitor their location. Also, FCPS is considering adding a Pledge of Allegiance to the beginning of the morning announcements. There is even a movement to play the National Anthem at sports events and pep rallies. No matter what happens, however, we can rely on our faith in FCPS and know that they will pull us through to all receive a good education and move on to become successful workers for the society.
Move over Putin: Principal Dave Thomas is reviving the spirit of the Motherland. Graphic by Ben Concepcion
News Thanks, Obama! Page 6
Underground sweets smuggling ring strikes a blow for food freedom
by Thomas Anderson - Doritos Lover
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t’s a dangerous craze that some young people engage in everyday, and it is sweeping the nation. While laws are in place to stop this risky behavior, a network of illegal dealers has been formed. These markets have started at schools all around the country, but no one thought one would pop up at Lake Braddock, so administrators were shocked when they discovered an underground network of students who were participating in the heinous crime of illegally peddling junk food. Three juniors, Chris Williams, Kevin Jefferson, and Mark Hernandez were picked up by school security officers on Tuesday and handed over to federal agents. The students were storing junk food in their lockers and backpacks and
then selling them to students for $1.50-$2 an item. These transactions are in violation of many new federal laws, and if the students are found guilty of buying or selling they could face jail time or hefty fines. The Bear Facts was able to reach Williams for comment. He is currently in federal custody awaiting trial. “I was selling weed, but then I realized selling junk food was much more profitable,” Williams said. “Our product was so popular that I was selling junk food all through the school day.” FLOTUS Michelle Obama, who has been an advocate for the new laws, was enraged by the news, and jogged from the White House to Lake Braddock to confront the accused. “[Lake Braddock] students are obviously not taking the new regulations seriously,” Obama said. “I walked in the front door and saw some kid eating a Cliff Bar. Doesn’t he
know how many calories are in a Cliff Bar and how bad it is for him? Needless to say, I reported him.” Obama decided to use the visit to make sure all of the new regulations were being
strictly followed by staff and students. She was displeased with the school cafeteria’s sale of ice cream, and demanded that the ice cream be replaced with more nutritious BroccoliPops.
Junk food is still better for you than wearing Crocs. Photo
by Ben Tobin
LB introduces blazing speed limits by Lucia Kim - Reckless Walker
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catastrophe occurred at LB on Mar. 9, when 15 students were seriously injured and 27 students received mild injuries in a hallway pile-up. The cause of this catastrophe lies in the walking habits of students, or rather, the running habits of students. “It was horrifying when all I could do was stand by and watch everything unfold,” said freshman Sandy Cho, who witnessed the incident from a side hallway. It first started when freshman Sally Walker was skipping and running in the hallways and ran into junior John Kelly, who bumped into junior David Bran. The chain continued until a mass of students were lying in the hallway. Needing critical attention, ambulances arrived to cart the 15 seriously injured students to the hospital. In response to the incident, hallway police were established to enforce speed limits, and speed monitoring devices have been installed. The incident last week was not the only accident to occur in the hallways. Multiple accidents have occurred throughout the school year and have caused more concussions than the past NFL season. Students, teachers and staff believe that the addition of the hallway police will decrease the number of accidents. “The problem is that students are walking too fast and recklessly running in the hallways,” science teacher Rachel Collins said. “It’s a dangerous place out there.” Other rules have been put into place to stop more incidents from occurring. All backpacks must be no more than ten pounds, and students must go straight to class to keep crowds from growing in the hallways. “If students are caught going over the limit, they’ll receive speeding tickets,” hallway police officer Sam Gibbons said. “The tickets are detentions, but once students gets more than three tickets, they’ll receive referrals and phone calls home.” The speed limits vary depending on the area, but the main hallway has a 1.5 mph speed limit. “An average person walks 3 to 3.5 mph,” Gibbons said, “so we decided to half that time in order to minimize accidents.” Members of the hallway police usually monitor the main hallway so students are careful to obey the speed limit, but in the side hallways, students sometimes reach 5 mph. When the police find students going over the speed limit, they turn on their hat sirens. Students must also walk in lanes to keep order in the hallways. Shorter people are in the inside lane, while taller people walk in the outer lane. “Hopefully, these rules will protect our students and prevent further injuries while traversing the hallways,” Gibbons said.
Page 7 / News
2015 blizzard a red letter date
by Ayman Farid - AP World Scholar
choice for a red letter date,” sophomore Michael Dempsey said. “It’s way more important to history than Columbus discovering Australia in 1942, or whenever it was.” While Jan 6, 2015 was the only new red letter date added to the LB curriculum, it was not the only addition to the worldwide AP curriculum. Along with Jan 6, students are also expected to know about Kanye West’s famous interruption of Taylor Swift at the 2009 MTV Awards and its socioeconomic consequences, as well
Jan 6, 2015. A day that will live in infamy for students all over FCPS, for that was the day when the tyranny reared its ugly head, and students struck back. Finally fed up with the unrestricted dictatorial power exercised by Karen Garza and company, students took to Twitter to share their frustrations. In fact, they did so to such an extent that #closeFCPS peaked as the No. 1-trend worldwide. Due to this unprecedented show of student unity under a worldwide spotlight, the AP World staff at LB has decided to make Jan. 6, 2015 a new “red letter” date in the curriculum. “Given the massive implications of this event and what it displays about This tweet shows why Jan. 6 was a global issue. Image from Twitter common patterns in as Kim Kardashian’s immeasurable human culture,” LB AP World teacher contributions to society through her hit Gary Holtzman said, “our decision scholarly show Keeping Up With the really was an easy one.” Kardashians. In AP World, for each unit, there is “A panel of over 50 professors at a list of “red letter” dates that students the country’s top universities voted to are required to know. These dates are make these changes based on the social meant to mark important events during commentaries they make on today’s that time period, events that changed society,” College Board president the course of the world. David Coleman said. “I definitely think it was a good
495 BCE - Pythagoras dies refusing to enter a bean field.
1826 - Eggnog Riot begins tension that leads to US Civil War. 1932 - The Emu War begins in Australia.
1979 - Rabbit nearly kills President Jimmy Carter.
2015 - Blizzard cripples FCPS for a day.
Arts / Page 8
LB’s Almost Average Artists Basketball is an important part of my life so I wanted to portray it in a positive way, junior Dick Grayson said about his painting.
This represents the finality of our planet and everything on it, freshman Thomas Rex said about his painting. This is what I imagine friendship goals look like, sophomore Steve Jones said about his painting.
Page 9 / Arts
I wanted to draw my favorite animal, so I drew this Very Pretty horse, sophomore John Grady Cole said about his drawing.
This pirate is searching for the booty, senior Jason sparrow said about his drawing. I took this picture on my way back from a newspaper meeting, senior Peter Parker said about his photography.
Arts
Page 10
Beatty’s mixtape ‘induces’ blazing inferno
Graduating from Penn State, Chris Beatty, ‘lyrical engineer’, finally unveiled his best-kept secret: his mixtape from college. Little did everyone know that these fiery rhymes would actually be a safety hazard. Photo illustration by Jesse Sands
by Thomas Kendziora - Blue Tank Engine
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he fire alarm was blaring. Students and staff alike were scurrying out of the building, just as they had practiced countless times before. However, because one teacher’s mixtape was a little too hot, this time was the real deal. Lyrical engineer and AP Physics teacher Christopher Beatty is well-known by his students for winning a freestyle rap contest in his days at Cornell University, but he had long refused to disclose further details regarding the matter. However, after each and every one of his sixth period students finished the magnetism quiz early on March 25, he decided to satisfy their curiosity. Inserting a CD into his desktop computer, he turned the volume up and started playing one of the songs from his mixtape, which he released under the stage name Eddy Viscosity. “I thought I had to reward their effort,” Beatty said. “It’s a class of almost all seniors, and for them to find magnetism as attractive as they did, and putting in so much effort, doing the homework and breezing through the quiz, I really appreciate that. And if the O’Jays taught me anything, it was to give the people what they want.” The class was thoroughly enjoying the hard beat and the seamless flow of lyrics on the opening track, “Turbulent Flo,” when things took a turn for the worse. The computer spontaneously combusted into flames less than two minutes into the song, and it wasn’t long before the fire alarm went off and the entire school was evacuated. “I take full responsibility for this,” Beatty said. “I had
withheld the mixtape from them for so long because I thought they couldn’t handle it. As it turned out, they could, but the computer couldn’t.” Approximately 10 minutes passed before the local fire department came to the rescue. Upon arrival, the firefighters quickly realized this wasn’t a typical classroom fire. “Usually, when a computer catches on fire, it’s because someone was a clumsy dunce,” fireman Aubrey Graham said. “But when I found out that it was a mixtape that caused this, I’m not gonna lie, I was excited. Technology today is way better at preventing rap fires than it was when I started 20 years ago. Either that, or the game has gone downhill since Tupac and Biggie died. Rest in peace, boys.” It took all of two minutes for the final flame to go out. The computer and monitor were damaged, and some of the quizzes were burned around the edges, but for the most part, the classroom remained unscathed. “On the bright side, at least it wasn’t a live performance,” Beatty said. “That probably would’ve set the whole room on fire.” If there’s a silver lining to be found here, it’s that Beatty’s music is still highly regarded well after its original production. Nearly every student in the class reacted favorably to “Turbulent Flo” while it was playing. “It was a great song,” senior Barphalofogous Kilimanjaro said. “It was stuck in my head during the entire fire drill.” Should this costly error in judgment bring forth the end of his teaching career, many believe that Beatty, 34, is still young enough to have a future in the rap industry. There’s no question Eddy Viscosity can handle it, but it’s far less than certain that it can handle him.
Page 11 / complaints
Obituaries: Rest In Peace Free Bruin Block
Privacy
Partial School Weeks
ree Bruin Block, a loved and valued member of Lake Braddock’s block schedule died over the summer of 2014. Killed by the LB administration, Free Bruin Block remains in the hearts of the hundreds of LB high school students, and is remembered as a time where students could gather in whichever class they chose and finish work at the last minute, make-up work with a teacher, or just hang out with a friend they didn’t see in their regular schedule. As a replacement for the beloved Free Bruin Block, Assigned Bruin Block, Free Bruin Block’s awkward cousin most commonly known among middle school students, will be taking the place of LB’s study hall block. Funeral services will not be held since it’s kind of hard to mourn for a specific time, but there will be a dedication to Free Bruin Block on most Wednesdays… Unless LB administration decides to use that mourning period for breathing lessons.
rivacy died at the beginning of the 2014-2015 school year. It had suffered from several afflictions, such as security cameras, but it was finally defeated by FCPS’s BYOD policy. Mandatory device surveillance proved too much for our powerful friend. Born in 1776 in the city of Philadelphia, Privacy graduated on March 4, 1789. Privacy found an important role in the halls of Lake Braddock the day the school opened. It was a loyal, hard worker in the school, always sticking up for the littlest of students. It refused to leave even as conditions deteriorated. Everybody, except the administration, loved Privacy, and it will be dearly missed at this school. However, privacy is not entirely dead for some. It lives on in the phones of all those who did not install the BYOD app on their phones and computers.
artial school weeks, a vastly appreciated institution all across Fairfax County, perished this week. In life, partial school weeks brought wide grins to students K-12. Not even the arrival of the ice cream truck could create such a deep show of emotion from children. The shortened school weeks, reaching only one regular school day at times, created a near euphoric experience for takers of upper level APs for high school students. This joy was short lived, however, as the evil of spring was rearing its ugly head around the corner. Soon, above-freezing conditions lead to the opening of schools county-wide and misery for all students in the area. Northern Virginia’s youth will now be further subject to the horrors associated with the “traditional” five-day workweek. Partial schools weeks will forever leave a deep void in our hearts and serve as a constant reminder of more joyous times. Maybe, in the near future, the abomination known as spring will finally move out.
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Letters to the Editor Newspaper is too liberal Dear Editor, All throughout your newspaper you show incredible liberal bias. As a hard working Lake Braddock student I fear your propaganda could be undermining important values in our school. You spend an obscene amount of time urging us to fix problems like racial and gender inequality, gun ownership, a lack of gay rights and financial stratification. I urge you to change your newspaper to reflect real American values like freedom, hard work and white privilege. Tim Lewis Senior
work! Anna Briggs Senior Comment section contains bias Dear Editor, After flipping through your paper, a story in your Comment section caught my eye. I found it incredibly biased, but nearly every single article in the same section had just as much if not more bias. When reporting, you need to make sure you keep your opinion to yourself. You’ve destroyed the point of factual reporting. Opinions should be saved for the editorial section of the paper.
The newspaper is actually useful Dear Editor, The Barely Factual is doing an amazing job reporting the news. Not only are you the most impartial news source I can find, but you make sourcing for history reports perfect. I can just source you saying something, and no one knows if it’s wrong or not because I’m your single subscriber. Keep up the good
Jared Okada Senior No response to letters Dear Editor, There are so many letters that are sent to your publication after each issue, and most of them aren’t very positive. However, you take absolutely no time to respond to them. I personally sent
a letter that was posted and nothing ever changed. I feel like you just throw them up here for people to laugh at us. I doubt you’ll respond to this one or do anything about it either. Erika Schaaf Senior These letters are stupid Dear Editor, Your use of made up letters in order to conjure up cheap laughs is just stupid. I feel like any reputable news source needs to actually publish real letters. I guess I should expect as much from a shammy newpaper like the “Barely Factual.” You’re spelling and gammer are awful and sometimes I feel like some people’s words are completely misquoted. Abraham Lincoln Senior
Style
Page 12
Are LB colors purple and gold? by Katie Vinson - Web Editor
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ith a nail-biting ten seconds left on the clock and LB boys’ basketball down by two points to South County on Friday, LB freshman Andy Parker was put into the game, possessed the ball and proceeded to make his way down the court. He
Senior David Lynch tries to play defense without his feet touching the ground Photo by Gregg Zelkin.
dribbled past his wide open teammates, confusing the crowd. However, The Hype Squad went wild with anticipation, chanting louder and louder until Parker was nearly to the other end. The crowd went silent when Parker passed the ball to South County at three seconds to go, believing that his rival was wearing the same colors as LB. Even after the buzzer sounded and the crowd dejectedly went home, Parker was adamant that he had not made a mistake. “I never understood why people say our colors are purple and gold,” Parker said. “They are clearly green and white.” His claims prompted many students to step forward and admit that they had the same thought for years. “I’ve paid $1,000s in eye doctor and psychiatrist appointments since seventh grade,” senior Macy Hyatt said, “but I still see green and white and not purple and gold. I’m relieved to find out I might be right.” Students echoed Hyatt’s claims on Twitter and Facebook, igniting a firestorm of arguments and traded insults. Families and friendships were torn apart after discussing the controversial topic. Several iPhones needed repair after receiving too many group messages. “Anyone who believes that Lake
Braddock’s colors are green and white is not my friend. End of story,” sophomore Alex Tinder tweeted. Scientists proposed numerous theories to explain the optical illusion.
“I never understood why people say our colors are purple and gold. They are clearly green and white.” - Andy Parker, 9 “We are currently working on the theories that those who see green and white are secretly an alien race or eat too many bananas,” Dr. Drake Remoray of the Mayo Clinic said. After much debate, students have voiced the opinion that LB’s colors are not purple and gold nor green and white, but entirely different colors to include chartreuse, mauve, dark indigo, seafoam green and clear.
What students think Purple and Gold - 58% Green and White 23% Other - 8% Not Sure - 11%
Page 13 / Style
Where to go this weekend Marcell Subert, our city correspondent, has information on all of the hottest hangouts in the DC area as spring time approaches
Emily Migdal: Spring is coming to the District of Columbia and thousands of residents will be crawling to all of the hotspots that the city has to offer. Are there any places in particular that would give a wholesome experience to those who visit? Marcell Subert: Yes yes yes yes yes; if you’re looking for a place to simply get assaulted, then I have just the place for you. D.C’s hottest hangout is McFadden’s. Partially functioning after a liquor license revocation, this Pennsylvania Avenue pitfall is home to the delightfully degenerate side of our nation’s capital. This place has everything: Inebriated college students, a metal mariachi band and a 36hour course on driver education. This place finally answers the question: “Can I go to the bathroom?
EM: I see…, does McFadden’s have anything, say… more appropriate for the younger residents of the city? MS: Yes, there are plenty of events for any human offspring that might rack up the nerve to come down here. Children can dance the night away in the restaurant’s poorly lit lowerlevel “saloon,” while parents can put their mind at ease knowing that knife-wielding, trenchcoatwearing psychopaths frequent the establishment in the a.m. hours. Some patrons might wonder: Is that Karen Garza in the corner? The answer is no; it’s actually a creepy admissions officer from nearby George Washington University engaging in some people watching. EM: Would there possibly be a different establishment that
might be a tad more preferable for say, your average suburban family? MS: Yes, if one lives in some flat, boring suburb then look no further. D.C’s hottest hangout is S.I.D.’S. Bagels. Built on that one on-ramp to 395 North from the Springfield interchange with all of the potholes, this scantily-clad beach party is the creation of club promoter Ryan McElveen. This place has everything: AP red letter dates, homeless people, those weird circus mirrors and human toasters for your bagel roasting convenience. EM: I’m sorry, but what is a human toaster? MS: It’s that thing when two sevies hold up a space heater very close to either side of a slice of bread and say “ding” in a flat voice upon proper toasting.
Style / Page 14
Will the stars determine your fate this month? Aries (March 21-April 20)
This month, Saturn and Jupiter, your ruling planets, have aligned. That means that it’s the perfect time to take a huge risk. Drop out of school and pursue that rap career you’ve always dreamed about. Take your entire life savings and spend it all on lottery tickets. Now is your time.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You will get very angry at someone you love this month and you will have a very hard time holding your tongue about it. Don’t hold back. Let all of your pent-up rage out on them in an hour-long screaming session. It will be cathartic, and it will ruin your relationship. But that’s okay. Go on a shopping spree. People come and go, but stuff is forever!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will have a dream so vivid that you will truly believe that Taylor Swift is your best friend. When you see a man wearing vibrantly colored parachute pants you will think, “Ha, if only Taylor were here to see that!” You’ll even decide to take in a stray cat with the hope that Taylor will adopt it. Then, at 3 p.m. sharp that day, you will try texting her proposing that you guys meet up for coffee only to find that she was never in your contacts.
Taurus (April 21-May 20)
Ignore all of your responsibilities this month in order to achieve inner peace. Everyone around you will try to warn you that your actions (or lack thereof) will harm your future, but ignore them. We’re all going to die anyways, so today’s obligations really don’t matter in the long run.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
This month you will knock over a salt shaker, and therefore sprain your ankle doing something incredibly stupid like falling down the stairs. When you get crutches, tell people that you were running a half marathon when you sprained your ankle in the fourth mile but still soldiered on. This will prompt someone really athletic to ask if you want to be their running buddy when you get better. Tell them the injury was career-ending. Virgo (Aug.23-Sept. 22)
At lunch on any given Wednesday this month, you will start telling a story that someone will promptly start talking over, thus taking the spotlight away from you. But this time, you will stand up for yourself, and you will give them a verbal thrashing so vicious Mr. Beatty will overhear you as he walks by and be so impressed with your “mad-fire insults” that he will ask you to start writing his diss tracks aimed at Neil deGrasse Tyson. graphics by Maddie Sievers
Page 15 / Sports
Weighted grading system fights obesity by Tu Lam - Actual Lamb
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n an effort to counter the rising obesity rates in the nation, Fairfax County Public Schools has implemented a new weighted grading system. With the old system, each assignment was given on a sheet of paper. This traditional method has been scrapped, and teachers are now literally attaching masses to their assignments. The new system will require students to undergo a series of exercises before receiving their assignments as well as prior to turning work in. Not many students are happy with the new system, but a recent poll has shown that student-athletes, especially those that are part of the school’s football team, are reaping the benefits of their hard work in the weight room. “I love it,” said senior Randy Bills, the starting center for LB football. “I’ve been lifting since before my freshman year, and now that having to bench-press 135 pounds is worth a third of every test I take, I’m seeing my grades shoot up.” Bills said that his formerly 3.5 GPA,
which is between a B+ and an A- on FCPS’s scale, has risen dramatically to a 4.2 after the implementation of the new grading system. However, despite Bills’ satisfaction with the new system and his increased GPA, he also notes that there are students in his classes who are struggling with the new requirements. “I’ve seen a few kids who are normally straight-A students drop down to Cs on their tests,” Bills said. “I feel bad for them, but at the same time I think that having good physical health is also very important.” Among those students who are finding difficulty in the new requirements is senior Devin Moore, who often finds himself at chorus rehearsal after school for several hours every day, leaving little time for exercise afterwards. “Some days I won’t get home until 6 or 7 p.m.,” Moore said. “During the week leading up to a show, I’m at the school until 10. Between that and homework, there aren’t enough hours in a day for me.” Moore has struggled to stay with the curve in many of his classes, where
completing homework on a nightly basis takes up large chunks of time. “Between my two physics class and multivariable calculus, I have to spend a few hours a night on homework,” Moore said. “I just can’t find the time to add lifting into my schedule.” Regardless of students’ struggles with the new grading requirements, it appears that FCPS’s decision to add in weighted grades is here to stay.
enthusiast James LeBron Ebok said. “Ball creates life; therefore, ball is life.” The ball is life theory has been proven true by many high schools; none more so than LB.
concept throughout the entire realm of LB. His example will stand tall and true, long after his presence has stopped gracing the halls of this prestigious academy. His preachings, which can be seen in the Book of Naismith, will live on through his disciples, the students, forever. “In the beginning, varsity basketball was an okay thing that people just did. Basketball was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the court. And then D-Lynch joined the team, and the crowd erupted. And David Lynch said, ‘Let there be ball, let there be life,’ and there was life,” The 10th Member of the Hype Squad said.
Students feel weighed down by the new grading system. Photo by Thomas Kendziora
Scientists Discover that ‘Ball is life’
by Andrew Clinton and Ryan Mullins - The Professors of B.i.L. Theory
D
uring the Renaissance period, several important discoveries were made by brilliant scientific minds. One of these revelations was the Heliocentric Theory; proving that the sun was truly the center of the universe, not the earth. However, recently, it has been discovered in some of Galileo’s further studies that the important aspect of the center of the universe is not so much it being a star, but rather the fact that it is a ball. This alarming realization leads to the conclusion that if a ball is the center of the universe, this can only mean one thing: Ball is life. The original baller, Aristotle, also proved this fact with his law of syllogism stating “A ball forms the sun, the sun forms life; therefore, Ball is life.” As with all things in the scientific field, theorems develop, and as civilization advances, more theories have been added on to reinforce and improve such ideas. In fact, with regards to the theory of ball, a cornerstone has been made in today’s modern society. “Basketball is life cuz we shoot jumpers not guns, we break rims not bones and we shatter backboards not hearts,” baller
The ball is the center of the universe. Graphic by Maddie Sievers
“Why is ball truly life?” senior David Lynch said. “Because I said so.” Lynch’s conviction of this truth is so strong that he has almost single handedly created his own cult; cultivated with loyal followers all preaching the same faith: Ball is life; D-Lynch is life. He embodies the culture of ball is life so strongly that, of the 10 students who showed up to LB basketball games, nearly all came to watch him and him alone. Lynch has spread his knowledge and understanding of this world’s more sacred
“Basketbal is life cuz we shoot jumpers not guns, we break rims not bones and we shatter backboards not hearts. Ball creates life; therefore, ball is life.”
- James LeBron Ebok, 23
Page 16 / Sports
Nintendo with Nick
How do get in your What do you eat to workout each day? prepare for a big tournament? Well my thumbs get a real good workout in I usually start out with a when I play my Nintendo big bag of Doritos and 3DS. It’s really a lot a large Red Bull. After more strenuous than that I usually have some one would think. chocolate and another Red Bull. To top it all off, I have one more Red Bull and a couple donuts.
Do you have any things you do before you go into a big match? I don’t do a whole lot to prepare myself. One thing I make sure I do is not to sleep the night before. photo courtesy of Nick Johnston
Athlete of the Issue: Senior Nick Johnston