The 4 CS of the Gaslighter’s Playbook

by Dr. Donna D. Kinchelow

To me the word “gaslighting” brings back sweet memories of baking with my Gram—when she was lighting her old gas stove.

She turned on the gas, struck a match and the heat from the woosh of orange flames erupted from the oven door. Learning to bake and cook beside an expert included strict safety measures. Gram set boundaries, and I respected and kept them.

Nowadays, the word “gaslighting” has taken on a much more sinister context. Gaslighting is a manipulative controlling tactic used by narcissistic people to create internal chaos, which can blow up close relationships and damage internal personal peace. The roots of this behavior sprouted from a play from the 1930s titled “Gas Light.” An abusive husband manipulated the flames of gas lamps and devised other schemes to destroy his wife’s mental stability.

Over time, he stole her sanity and inheritance by consistently discrediting her accurate assessments, perceptions, and thoughts.

The abuser uses verbal manipulation, bizarre lies, and empty threats to gain control over the victim.Here are the four Cs of the Gaslighter’s Playbook that uncover his or her sinister agenda.

1. Confusion—This confusion is a result when an abuser feeds a steady diet of false information deliberately and systematically. This behavior creates doubt, diminishing the victim’s sound judgment.

2. Criticism—The abuser directs criticism to the victim for anything that makes them unique, stand out, or things they do well. Any idea, feeling, or creativity is constantly ridiculed.

3. Counter—This is a tactic where the abuser constantly tells a victim that their specific memories are not true.

The abuser disgustedly repeats, “That’s a lie. That never happened,” making the victim question their memory as well as the reality of a situation.

4. Convincing—This strategy can be tragic as the abuser uses others as a comparison to shower feelings of inadequacy while stressing their superiority. A victim can be persuaded to believe the unbelievable, which can lead to collateral damage to other innocent people.

Narcissistic abuse is on the rise. Being able to identify gaslighting tactics is especially important for Christian women.

We may have personal experience with this type of abuse or desperately want to understand how to counsel others.

Proverbs 6:16–19 states, “These six things the LORD hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that are swift in running to evil, a false witness who speaks lies, and one who sows discord among brethren” (NKJV).

Seems our loving Heavenly Father identified abusers long before they jumped into our lives.

I am confident He does not intend for us to be victims.

We can set boundaries. Seek wise counsel. Please keep yourself safe and healthy. Let the flame of God’s love ignite your only life.

Tips if you suspect gaslighting:

• Trust your instincts if something feels wrong.

• Confide in a friend or counselor you trust.

• Create an exit plan to safely leave the relationship.

Dr. Donna D. Kincheloe is a Christian author, nurse educator, and speaker who uses the power of storytelling to help people consider new perspectives by weaving hope into life circumstances. In

A Life Just Like Mine, Dr. Donna shares the journey of overcoming narcissistic abuse. God flips pain to peace.