time out Trying to avoid The Talk Intimate conversations with kids
LEA HANSON
W
hen it comes to discussing sex, consent, and body image with my daughter, I’ve done my best to avoid “the talk.” I try to avoid discussing these topics in one memorable, sit-down, awkward conversation that might cause my daughter to cringe every time she recollects “the talk”. Instead, I try to have a million little talks; I address topics as they come up. My daughter is 5 and we’ve had conversations about the basics regarding menstruation, sex, where babies come from (and how they get out!), secrets, and all the topics of good touch/bad touch. My goal is that these conversations feel comfortable and not embarrassing. We use words like ‘vagina’ and ‘penis’ in appropriate context. My daughter sees menstruation supplies and basically gets why they’re there. She also is fully aware that “she is the boss of her body” (that’s the phrase we repeatedly use) and she can say “yes” and “no” to actions and activities that involve her body. As you see, we’re totally perfect and enlightened in all the ways. Scratch that, actually; we’re not. I recently bought the book, It’s Not the Stork!: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families, and Friends by Robie Harris. It was my dream to sit down and devour it with my daughter little by little, page by page, topic by topic. The book came in the mail and here’s how it went down: I said, “Look! You got some mail!” She was pumped and we opened the package together. I read the title to her and she was immediately horrified. I said, “We can read this book together to learn!” and she just stared at me. I was expecting an apathetic response coupled with a willingness to read the book. Instead, she said, “I want some alone time,” and took the book to her room, closed the door, and sat in there for about five minutes. When she came 42
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out, I asked her if she had any questions and she said, “No.” Then I asked her if we could read a few pages of the book that evening and she said, “No.” I could tell she felt embarrassed. She didn’t want to read it. This was a few months ago and she still doesn’t want to read it. Instead, the book just sits lonely on her bookshelf. Every week or so as we’re choosing books for bedtime, I ask her, “Do you want to read a few pages from the book about bodies?” and she says, “No.” And, because I value consent and believe that since she’s the boss of her body I should respect her unwillingness to discuss her body in this way, I don’t push it. I understand she’s only 5 and she’s already got a lot of basic information,
but I can’t help but feel her reluctance to read the book is some reflection of my mothering gone wrong. We’re all horrified by our mothers, but isn’t this too early? Have I already missed the boat? I desperately want open, honest conversation to exist between my daughter and me. I don’t want to her tell me everything throughout her life but I do want her to know that she CAN tell me everything and ask me anything. I don’t really want to be cool, and I don’t want to be her friend. I want to be her mom. A (sometimes cool) mom with whom she can have open communication that’s not embarrassing. So, I’ll keep asking if she wants to read the book… and hopefully one of these days I’ll get an enthusiastic “Yes.”