time out
Welcoming “No!”
Growing up to be The Boss when it matters L e a Hans o n
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ately when people ask me how my 3-year-old daughter is doing, I tell them she’s at a fun age. Until a few months ago, I found the “fun age” response to be silly and cliché. But, I get it now. I tell them about her newly developed sassy attitude and the funny things she says. I also tell her about her recentlydeveloped affinity for the word “No.” And, I don’t even mind it. Sure, it’s sometimes very frustrating. Infuriating on the worst days. And there are a lot more time outs than there were a year ago. Yet, I think I can count on my two hands the number of times I’ve told her she can’t say “no.” You see, while she’s not THE boss, I want my daughter to know she’s still the boss of some things. And trust me, she’s making a list. She knows she’s the boss of how much food she has to eat at a meal (until her belly is full), she knows she’s the boss of Boo Boo (her favorite stuffed bear), and she knows she’s the boss of her body. We talk about her asking for what she wants with confidence even if she thinks the answer will be no. Never be afraid to ask! I guess I just think there are more important things at stake. I want her to learn to be polite and to choose her words thoughtfully more than I want her to be obedient. I want her to grow into a girl and woman who stands up for what she believes rather than one who compromises her values under pressure. I want her to have the confidence to create boundaries around her life rather than turning into a “yes woman” who becomes overwhelmed and anxious. As she becomes the boss of more and more things—and eventually the boss of other people—I don’t want her to be uncomfortable with 50
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that responsibility. I want her to learn that “no means no” under any and all circumstances so when it really matters, she’s got the gumption to say it and mean it. So right now that might look like refusing to greet someone or declining a play invitation from a new kid at the park. But later in her life the stakes will be undoubtedly higher. In
she’s a pretty polite little girl. But, even at 3 she’s able to make lots of decisions on her own and we try to allow her to do so when it’s appropriate. She wants to wear a dress with leggings and a cardigan and a skirt and a tutu? Looks silly to me, but whatever. She doesn’t want to ride the pony at The Farm even though we’ve waited forever and already paid? Annoying, but
her teen years she’ll be presented with opportunities to do illegal and wrong things. When she’s an adult she’ll be presented with ethical dilemmas in her place of work that may greatly affect others. She’ll be repeatedly presented with opportunities to compromise her values and I want her to learn to choose what’s right for her. I want her to be able to say “yes” and “no.” Both with confidence. Don’t get me wrong, she lives with rules and high expectations. And
sure. Even when she gets overly frustrated and talks back saying, “Don’t talk to me right now!” I challenge myself to respond with, “Okay, let me know when you’ve chosen to be in a better mood and can talk nicely.” Here’s the deal. She’s a girl and will eventually be a woman. And I hope she grows into a woman who is confident and emotionally strong. So, in order to help her become that person, I’m allowing her to say “No” more often.