time out Explaining the unexplainable How do I explain tragedy to my child?
LEA HANSON
A
s my child ages and matures I am aware that she will someday navigate this world on her own. The fact that her dad and I bear the responsibility of preparing her for that journey increasingly weighs on me. In order for her to be able to navigate life with some level of purpose, meaning, and knowledge, she has to have an understanding of people—all types of people. We live a sheltered, privileged life in (for all intents and purposes) an affluent community where she isn’t exposed to violence. Yet, the world is in fact a terribly violent place sometimes and she needs to know that. But to what level? While I know she understands that some people have enough and some people don’t, I know she doesn’t truly get it. While I know she understands there are many colors of skin, many religions, and many gender and sexual identities, she doesn’t at all understand discrimination. And, because kind people who help and support one another constantly surround her, she has pretty much zero concept of the fact that people sometimes kill other people just because they hate them or something about them. The mass shooting at The Pulse nightclub in Orlando weighed on me for many reasons. Many reasons. And, being a parent, these types of acts of violence hit me a bit harder and much differently than they used to. One, I feel overwhelmed with despair that such unspeakable and frightening acts of violence occur in the world into which I brought a child. Two, as a parent I can imagine the feeling of losing a child and it takes me over when the idea crosses my mind. Three, my heart aches with sadness for people who aren’t treated equally and with respect by our society. Four, my heart aches that I automatically get to be treated equally and with respect because of my identities…. One hundred, how do 44
| RMPARENT
I explain things like this to my child?! Once my child checked out a book about Rosa Parks from the library. It was a good book and discussed a very important concept for her to begin to understand. We read it and she asked questions throughout. “Why was she supposed to sit in the back of the bus?” “Because back then there were laws for White people and laws for Black people.” “Why?” “Because some people didn’t believe that all people were the same and equal.” “Why?” “It’s called racism. When you believe things about certain people just because of their skin color.” “Why would people do that?!” *fights tears* “I have no idea, honey.”
My child was only 2 when Sandy Hook and the Aurora shootings happened. By default of her age, I didn’t have to think about talking about these events with her. But, she’s 5 now and I think I need to bring it up before she hears it from other people. Yet I am paralyzed with finding the words. It’s difficult for me to explain poverty, I stumble with understandable concepts when I explain sexuality and sexual identity. How do I even begin to explain mass shootings and acts of terrorism? What are the words that are honest but not terrifying? I don’t want her to be terrified, but I want her to be horrified, as I am. Ugh. Where do I even begin?