time out
Oh, how it hurts... What if MY child is the mean girl?
LEAH HANSON
M
y child is only in Pre-K and a few weeks ago was sent to the school office for being mean to a classmate. She was one of three girls who made fun of a fourth classmate taunting, “You can’t play with us! You’re not wearing a dress!” I was sad, horrified—and for the first time—angry at my child. Different from all the feelings I’ve had so far: frustrated or fed up with behavior, sad for her being hurt, at my wit’s end with being tired and awoken (again) because her stuffed animals keep waking her up. All these extreme feelings but until that day, I had never been simply pissed at my kid. And I was. It was this incident combined with a few other stories and situations that made it clear to me what this was: the beginnings of a mean girls’ club. I mean, I’m no idiot. Maybe not full-on bullying, but definitely the makings of it, in my mind. The long and the short of this particular incident is that she’s been punished and we’re discussing it regularly (obsessively?) at home. Even better, we’re thankful she goes to a wonderful school (The Children’s Workshop) where the teachers are just as upset as I am and are supporting and partnering with us to curb behavior before it gets worse. I’d really not like to be the mother of the next Regina George or Heather Chandler, if you know what I mean. Of course I took it personally. I felt badly and felt the need to apologize on my child’s behalf. One realization I had and didn’t anticipate having was the placement of blame. My immediate, knee-jerk reaction was along the lines of, “my child is being negatively influenced by another.” My mother, a retired firstgrade teacher, reminded me that I needed to consider the possibility that wasn’t the case. She said, “Every parent believes their child is perfect… what if they’re not?” My child isn’t perfect. She sure
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isn’t, no ma’am. But, I believe that deep down she is a kind, loving person. She is well-behaved and nice most of the time. All of these facts can coexist with the others: she displayed some pretty cruel behavior… and maybe not because she was pressured to do so. Coincidently, and because Facebook and Google can read our minds, I found an article the day after the incident in my newsfeed. The crux of the article: How to avoid having a mean girl? Be a nice mom. Well, I’d be lying if that didn’t further irk me since I TOTALLY AM a nice mom who is constantly thinking about modeling kind words and behavior. Dumb article. Doesn’t know anything. See what I did there? Like every other day of parenting, this whole situation has forced quite a bit of reflection and conversation. There’s the (potential) bully thing, there’s the role modeling behavior thing, there’s the communication with the other adults in your child’s life thing. And so forth. So far in life I have been worried about protecting her from the outside; other people, dangerous situations,
other kids, crossing the street. Now, I am confronted with the idea that others may need to be protected from her. Whoa, sit on that for a minute. I’ve said before (and I’ll say it again) that I’m okay with some sass from my daughter. I want her to be outgoing and confident, not afraid to say “no,” and grow into a confident, well-spoken woman. I’m also well aware that spunk needs to be managed and guided so she isn’t, well, mean. But at the age of 4, where is the line between the two? So, right now we’re observing behavior and praising the good and punishing the bad. We’re talking about feelings and how good it feels to be included and how bad it feels to be excluded. We’re talking about how you have to give love to get love. And—to be frank—we’re also talking openly about who are the nice girls and who might be the mean girls—and whom she might like best to play with. We’re naming names. Hopefully other parents are doing the same. And hopefully moving forward my kid shows up on the nice list more often than not.