LeftLion Magazine - December 2006 - Issue 14

German Market illustration by Lewis Heriz

LeftLion Magazine Issue 14 December 2006-January 2007 Editor Jared Wilson (jared@leftlion.co.uk) Deputy Editors Al Needham (nishlord@leftlion.co.uk) Nathan Miller (nathan@leftlion.co.uk) Technical Director Alan Gilby (alan@leftlion.co.uk) Marketing and Sales Manager Ben Hacking (ben@leftlion.co.uk) Artistic Director David Blenkey (mail@woot-design.co.uk) Listings Editors Florence Gohard (florence@leftlion.co.uk) Tim Bates (timmy@leftlion.co.uk) Music Editor Sadie Rees-Hales (sadie@leftlion.co.uk) Proofreaders Charlotte Kingsbury (charlotte@leftlion.co.uk) Natasha Chowdhury Photography Editor Dom Henry (dom@leftlion.co.uk) Photographers Ben Cipher Dave Bevan David Bowen Jon Rouston Illustrators Alasdair Couch Lewis Heriz Rob White (robwhite@thearthole.co.uk) Rikki Marr (rikki@dealmakerrecords.com) Contributors Amanda Young Andy Clydesdale James Walker Jenny Hill Jesse Keene Mary Gallagher Michelle Bayton Paul Klotschkow Roger Mean Tom Hathaway

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Notts The Nine O’Clock News Wheels of Change Die Neue Scheiße/ All That Jezz Live Pursuit New Years Eve Extravaganza The Ground Hogs Mighty And Quite Possibly High Natural Born Rocker When They Were Peasants There’s Only One Jason Lee Striking Back The Anti-Christmas Through The Rocking Glass/ Electric Dreams Lois Advert Artists Profiles Out and About Nottingham Events Listings Nottsword/ Pub Quiz Bagels and Nottingham Zoo Creative Writing Horrorscopes

Magician In Residence Jack Curtis

Welcome to the Christmas and New Year issue of our magazine (or perhaps more accurately newspaper – but without much of the ‘newsy’ stuff).

We’ve been really busy recently, but in a good way. We got shortlisted for the Record of the Day music journalism and PR awards in the category of Best Free Music Magazine. So Alan (the Technical Director and co-founder of LeftLion) and I went down to the awards ceremony at the 100 Club on Oxford Street to schmooze it up with a room of predominately Londonbased hacks. Unfortunately we didn’t win the award, but we made the most of the free bar and those little nibbly bits of food they serve up on silver trays. We were also happy to participate in the industries favourite sport of backslapping, but with a twist… we had LeftLion stickers in our hands! By the end of the night everyone from the Editor of the NME to an American guy who claimed to be the PR for American rock band Mr Big were inadvertently repping our style!

In this issue you’ll find the usual mix of features and interviews with people from Nottingham and beyond. Kasabian are playing at the Ice Arena in December, so we got them in for a chat. Likewise with Belle and Sebastian who play at the Social and Hollywood icon Juliette Lewis, who we caught up with after her recent gig at Rescue Rooms.

I got to put some questions to two of my current favourite people, Noel Fielding of the Mighty Boosh (who has been making me laugh a lot via the medium of DVD) and Jason Lee (who’s been making me happy as a County fan by banging in the goals at Meadow Lane).

We also feature a range of great Nottingham-based acts who will be performing at LeftLion gigs over the next couple of months including Formication, The Smears, Nuclear Family, DJ Squigley, Das Ragworms, Jezz Hall, Sidearm, Bassrooster and Alice Rock (Happy birthday to you).

So, buoyed on by a bit of acclaim from the music journalism industry, we have grand plans to take LeftLion to the next level in 2007. Stick with us, it’ll be a fun journey…

Emigrating to Ireland Paul Dilger ”It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ‘till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

Dr. Seuss

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from all our crew!

jared@leftlion.co.uk

LeftLion 349a Mansfield Road Nottingham NG5 2DA 0115 9123782 If you would like to reach our readers by advertising your company in these pages please contact Ben on 07843 944910 or email ben@leftlion.co.uk LeftLion magazine has an estimated readership of 40,000 in the city of Nottingham. In September 2006 LeftLion.co.uk received over 450,000 page views.

Nominated as Best Free Music Magazine in the UK Record of the Day Awards 2006 www.leftlion.co.uk/issue14

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nOTTs THE NINE O’CLOCK NEWS

THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT WINTER I only like winter when I’m looking out from a warm house, wrapped in a blanket with a cup of tea thinking “I don’t have to go out for anything. Yesssss.”

Nuclear B-Boy The clear skies you get on cold, wintery nights.

Frost forming on trees and sparkling at night time.

I love the fact that the moon is closest to the Earth at this point of the year. Mulled wine, making soups with fresh bread, hearing the frosty ground crunch under your feet. I love winter.

Sara Winter is good because I hate the feeling of sweat on my body when it’s warm, and you don’t sweat much in winter. It’s also the time you are most likely to get a good blanket of snow, and everyone knows snow rocks.

BRJ I love getting all wrapped up in hats and gloves and big coats. I love getting up in the morning when it’s still dark and having to run into the shower to warm up. I love getting home from work when it’s nearly dark outside and coming into a warm cosy house with a hot cup of tea waiting for me.

LadyBee I like winter because I’m not an outdoorsy person, and in winter nobody says things like “Don’t waste the whole day cooped up in here,” etc etc. pollypocket 1. Can start bustin’ beanies without having to consider other hat options.

2. Hot squash is an acceptable alternative to coffee.

3. White wine out - Red wine in.

4. The cold can be used as an excuse for drinking brandy/carrying hipflask.

5. New Year’s Eve missions.

Mr.Dubbs

PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN CITY CENTRE PONCE BOXES People in places like New York and London like city apartments because they don’t want to spend three hours a day commuting. But in Nottingham you can get from anywhere in the city to the city centre in half an hour at most - fucking hell, if you live in Sherwood or the Meadows, you can actually walk to work if you feel like it.

Lord of the Nish It’s unforgivable the way developers expect to be thanked for urban regeneration when it’s so obviously money grabbing - and coming undone at that.

David What would be a better thing to do with buildings that are no longer used for industry in the city centre, let them rot and fall down?

There’s a fair few new builds but also lots of conversions, which can only be a good thing.

Making use of buildings that are always there and retaining some character is okay in my book… theonelikethe Redeveloping the buildings physically is absolutely the right thing to do. And some of them look fantastic. But the economic and social benefits of this ‘regeneration’ are as real as Posh’s tits.

Mrs Hood Britain’s new build housing is the smallest per square feet in Europe. In thirty years time we’ll be knocking down all these crappy apartments. This isn’t Tokyo for god’s sake; let’s have some high ceilings and big rooms. pandapad

with Nottingham’s ‘Mr. Sex’ Al Needham

1 October

£700,000 gets spent on the improvement of Canning Circus.

Pathetically, they don’t spend it on trapezes, clown cars, elephants and other things that would make the place live up to its name.

4 October

Goose Fair opens, selling peas for a pound a pot. Let me say that again, but this time in bold; peas for a pound a pot. A pound. For a pot. Of peas.

5 October

An incredibly vital survey commissioned by Nottingham University discovers that 97% of people who won more than a million quid on the lottery were happier than they were before.

What next? Maybe they ought to commission an expedition in the woods to see what that strange brown stuff that hangs out of bears’ arseholes is.

7 October

Sorry, but I’m gonna have to say it one more time; a pound for a pot of peas.

8 October

Non-black cabbies hold a protest march in town over the fact that they can’t use the same routes in the city centre that the Hackney cabs use. Unsurprisingly, the march veers right off course, goes through all the back streets away from its destination, and stops to look at an A to Z with the meter still running. Twice!

16 October He’s a Record Breaker! David Wyler of Notts gets done for growing the strongest weed ever found in the UK. Forensic scientists discover his gear (grown in a house in Ilkeston) contains a 29% THC content, enough to stun a rhinoceros and make it walk about in the Square and wave its cock at the window of Wetherspoons.

27 October

David ‘Let’s headhunt a Pizzeria and watch a football club dive down the toilet’ Platt sues Forest for a £50,000 performance bonus. Yes, he’s a fish-faced cock-bucket, but what the fuck were Forest doing offering fifty grand as a reward for getting to 11th in the Second Division?

30 October Local news story of the bi-month that sounds like a bad Irvine Welsh novel. A smackhead in St Anns leaves her dead neighbour to rot down to a skelly in his bed for six months so she can spend his pension on gear.

8 November

Some poor sod is shot outside a pub in Bulwell, dumped in the boot of a car and left in Papplewick. Fucking hell, why didn’t they cut his tab off to Stuck In The Middle With You while they were at it?

10 November

Cor Blimey O’Reilly! Town is absolutely invaded by lesbians for the weekend, as Pink and the Scissor Sisters play the Arena on consecutive nights.

11 November

The Institution of Civil Engineers announce that our tram system is the bestest, acest, skillest and wicked-bad-freshest in the UK. Next time I see one in town, I’m going to touch and lick it.

The last chance of a Forest-County match this season goes for a toss in the first round of the FA Cup. Forest tonk Yeading, Notts lose to Orient. Sigh.

19 October

13 November

Just like Prince, The Airport Formerly Known As East Midlands wants to change its fucking name again, because Derby and Leicester are whining like the mardy little bitches they are. In that case, I suggest they change it to ‘SheepShagging Jumper-Making Gun-Crime Airport’.

20 October

Broadway reopens. Hmm. The Paul Smith double seats are supposed to be ace, but I’m not sure about the downstairs bar.

It’s a bit like a medieval banqueting suite designed by Habitat.

21 October West Bridgford slips through the time-space continuum and reappears in the 1980s, as a wine bar gets smashed up by Bristol City hooligans. Sadly, Howard Jones doesn’t turn up to shake hands with folk and generally calm things down whilst singing Like To Get To Know You Well. Shame, that.

22 October

Local police claim to find cocaine in 24 of 28 bars in the Off-YourFace Market. They were obviously too busy chewing the sides of their mouths, talking a right load of shit in the other four then.

14 November

Researchers claim that the Playhouse generates £13m a year for the local economy. Ever bought a round in there to impress the fanny? You’ll know why, then.

15 November

The shitbag who stabbed that student lad outside Brownes gets banged up. Hurrah!

18 November

Real man of the bi-month; the manager of Gedling Southbank, who made his missus sit with him during their vital clash against Awsworth Villa even though she had gone into labour before the match.

Bulwell, obviously a bit miffed that Bestwood is getting all the attention these days, roars back into contention with a stabbing.

21 November

23 October

The council announce that they’re spending another £650,000 on rubbish bins - which is nearly one for every Greggs and Subway in town.

Carl Froch wins his latest fight in the Ice Arena. Some other twats in the audience who weren’t even getting paid for it won their’s an’all, in a chair-throwing jamboree during the interval.

The bell-ends.

24 October

25 November

Uh oh - the first jailing for Council Tax evasion goes down, with some bloke getting forty days in the naughty room for running up a £2,700 debt.

Well, about fucking time! Two new tram lines are announced, which will run through Clifton, Chilwell and Beeston. Fact: since the first one was opened two and a bit years ago, our

www.leftlion.co.uk/issue14

26 October

An unbelievably fuckwitted bent copper gets sent down for passing on information about murder witnesses to crims via the manager of Limeys (the sort of clothes shop you go to kit out for your next court appearance) in exchange for a discount on chatty clobber. Yep, you read that right - innocent people with info on the Marian Bates and Stirlands murders were put at risk because some cunt wanted 50% off a Stone Island jumper.

Funnily enough, the last time I went past there, they were having a half price sale. That’s irony, Alanis Morissette!

17 October

25 October

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twin city in Germany has knocked out fourteen of the bastards.

Moaning about the new tram lines starts. Already. For fuck’s sake.

24 November

A 16 year-old crack dealer from St Anns is caught by the police trying to swallow 22 wraps of smack and coke, despite being fitted with a pacemaker. Fucking hell, why stop there? Wasn’t there a microwave he could have rubbed against his chest while he was at it?

27 November

Did I mention that it cost a quid for a pot of peas at Goose Fair?

Wheels Of Change words: Mary Gallagher (of The Big Wheel)

We’d all like to change the world. But let’s face it first we’re going to have to change ourselves… just a little bit.

TWO NEW TRAM LINES APPROVED £578m?! Phew that’s steep! Not cheap these trams are they? Bring ‘em on though I say. They seem more reliable, safer and faster than buses.

BRJ I was really sceptical about the trams at first but they’re turning out to be great if I’m honest. As someone who doesn’t drive, between the trams and the bus getting around Notts has never been easier.

I Got Connected To A Freaky Phone

The environment is a big issue at the moment. There are more statistics out than ever before, telling us about the dangers of what will happen to our global atmosphere if we don’t act now and about the damage we’ve already done.

Did you know that globally we need to cut greenhouse gas emissions by 60% by 2050 if we are to avoid catastrophic climate change? Or that the warmth produced by global climate change so far is the equivalent of a one watt light bulb shining constantly over an area of one square meter everywhere on the planet? Facts like these are in the newspapers, on the television and radio and they should (and do) worry most of us. But are you sick of them yet? ‘It’s all doom and gloom!’ I hear you cry.

Well, how about we try a different approach? Instead of focusing on the downright miserable, why not focus on the fact that we can change the long term effects of climate change by changing the way we live now - most of us are trying in little or big ways. If you want to make a difference it is possible, easy and it won’t hurt your wallet!

backed by councils and companies across the city. The Big Wheel are committed to keeping our city moving and looking after our environment - for the sake of a clean, green city that can grow.

Public transport really does make a difference. Not only does it cut the number of cars on the roads, which cause traffic and noise pollution, but it significantly reduces the amount of carbon dioxide produced per person in each journey taken. Did you know a double-decker bus carries the same amount of people as 20 fully laden cars? Add to that the fact that ten miles in a petrol car produces roughly four kilograms of carbon dioxide, whereas ten miles in a bus produces only one kilogram by comparison. With facts like these you can really grasp what a difference our transport choices make to the environment. Also don’t forget the massive financial savings you can make every year by leaving your car at home. It only costs £350 for a whole year’s unlimited travel on NET and NCT transport. Compare that to the costs of running your car.

Why not try concentrating on the way you get around Nottingham for a start? Nottingham’s public transport system and the way we use it is improving all the time. Public transport is important and something the whole nation should focus on if we are ever going to cut emissions. It’s looking good in Nottingham; we’re bucking the national trend, with lots of people getting back on the bus over the last year. There were over 75 million trips on public transport in 2005 and there has been an impressive increase of nearly six percent of passengers over the last four years. If you’re on of those passengers give yourself a pat on the back!

But remember, you don’t just have to use the bus to travel in an eco-friendly way. Why not get on your bike or start walking for a change? If saving the planet and your bank balance isn’t enough motivation here are a few more fascinating facts to leave you with:

The Big Wheel is all about sustainable transport and we’re trying to show people in Nottingham just how easy it is to get from A to B in an environmentally friendly way. It brings together bus, tram, train, car, cycling and walking and is

Cyclists and pedestrians absorb lower levels of pollutants from fumes than car drivers.

A fifteen minute bike ride to and from work five times a week burns off the equivalent of eleven pounds of fat in a year!

The average driver will spend fourteen days of their lives waiting for traffic lights to change.

www.thebigwheel.org

Have to agree that the trams seem more reliable than the buses, but I do wonder what the buses might be like if they had £578 million spent on them. That’s £914 for every person in the Greater Nottingham area.

MetricMike It’s worth the effort, especially since 75% of the money will come from central governmentt. The current line is great with the only drawback being that it is alone, so connections to buses are still needed to reach much of the city outskirts. bophoto I think people arguing against the expansion of the tram system are short-sighted. Granted they’re gonna have to tear up some green spaces and unavoidably piss a few people off but in the long run it’s better for the city, the economy and the environment. Traffic in Nottingham is an absolute nightmare. This would alleviate the massive bottleneck on Derby Road between the Uni campus and The Park. myhouse-yourhouse Look at what it has done for Hucknall too: it seems to have boomed around that commuter route area - also it allows people to buy houses in cheaper areas and still not be faced with a commuting issue. In my opinion though, the Clifton line won’t solve any congestion issues unless they build a massive carpark like Pheonix Park on greenbelt land off the A453 as an artery to the motorway.

Ben Cipher Having lived in Long Eaton, the park and ride at The Forest was one of the best things traffic-wise that I can remember... haven’t been in a multi-storey in years since I discovered that. And they’re putting one in at the Bardills Island too, which is fantastic for that side of town. Plus, the trams are pretty much always clean and on time, and if you’re lucky you can sometimes get away with a free ride.

Sofy

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Die Neue Scheiße Das Ragworms are a crazy band whose name translates from German as… erm The Ragworms! With strong links to the bunch of scribblers at The Lurking Hole, what else would you expect? Anyway they’ve been making a few appearances around Notts of late, not least at December’s LeftLion Unplugged. So we caught up with them for a spot of chinwagging… words: Andy Clydesdale So for the uninformed, who the hell are Das Ragworms and what do they do?

Witkowski: Das Ragworms is the bastard spawn of the small town mentality combined with a healthy dose of love, death and homemade wine. We play dance songs for the damned, doomed and downtrodden heroes of rural pastures. Rejoice!

Vasey: We are Vasey and Witkowski, together we’re Das Ragworms and we’re here to remind folk that it’s okay to take a sweetie as long as they take a sit in our car.

Which one of you is most likely to be the ‘Poster Boy?’ Witkowski: Vasey, for his strong and aerodynamic nasal features and moustache. He’s already a poster boy back home.

Vasey: Our drummers are usually very handsome chaps but now all we have left of them is a pile of bodies in our cellar.

So it’s me!

What makes you do what you do?

Vasey: Dogs tell us to do it and its fun.

Witkowski: We’ve done it ever since the old man made my first guitar when I was nineteen. Vasey’s old boy happened to make him a bass around the same time. Then ol’ ma taught us all these shanties, and it wasn’t long before we were writing our own. The first record I remember buying, no shit, was Timmy Mallet. Do you remember what yours was?

Witkowski: Don’t swear! I think mine was The Bonnie Ship the Diamond by Lloyd or some such thing. Still listen to that beauty today.

Vasey: The first time I was personally inspired to buy a record was when I heard the clatter of my horse’s hoof hit

All that Jezz...

From a toddler listening to Elvis, to learning to play like blues legend Mississippi John Hurt, Jezz Hall has come a long way. With his collection of musicians playing the likes of double bass, cello, mandolin and fiddle, the Jezz Hall Band carry Nottingham audiences into deep America through an array of folk and blues traditions. We liked them so much last time they played LeftLion Unplugged that we thought we’d ask them back for more… words: Andy Clydesdale How long have you been playing Nottingham for?

Well I first played in Nottingham many moons ago at the Running Horse, which was the first time I’d ever played anywhere. I started playing regularly about ‘95 or ‘96, but it’s only the last four years that I’ve been playing and touring out of town, mainly on the folk scene, although I don’t think that’s where I belong. So after recording the last CD I’ve taken a step back to look at where it is I see myself going.

In your music I hear a little Bonnie Prince Billy, Lou Reed and a lot of Dylan. Are these your influences?

I’d like to be very careful about quoting influences because they get taken out of context and come back to haunt you. But the names you have mentioned have all spent considerable time in my CD player. I also really like old time American folk music and I learned fingerstyle picking

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www.leftlion.co.uk/issue14

photo: Dave Bevan solid stone. So I went out and seen a record with a picture of a man riding on the front and sold I was.

I’ve heard Vasey may just be a figment of my mate’s imagination as he keeps mysteriously appearing in his house after parties. Will you be bringing the party to The Malt Cross come 12 December?

Vasey: Yes. You’ll see me there. I’m as real as Jack the Ripper Witkowski: And there’s sure to be singing and dancing a-plenty.

What’s been the biggest highlight of 2006 for you?

Vasey: August the fifth! Manrod! Ol’ moot hall inn.

Witkowski: Playing Beastmangoat’s Manrodeo barn dance extravaganza at the Old Moot Hall on Denzil’s day. That was a hoot alright. Handsome crowd and a handsome venue.

The lowlight?

Witkowski: Probably about an hour later having to go to Accident and Emergency after Vasey started on two skinheads who called him Mercury. We’d have had ‘em normally but someone spiked our mead and we fell down.

Vasey: Brumingham was a disaster. I don’t think we even finished the set.

Witkowski: Whose fault was that?

Vasey: Yours!

Witkowski: Piss off.

Vasey: Don’t swear!

What does the future hold for Das Ragworms?

Vasey: More gigs, more stupidity and far more drummer deaths.

Witkowski: Only God knows what the future holds. Who you calling stupid?

If you weren’t answering these questions now what would you be doing?

Witkowski: There’s always something to be done around the farm.

Vasey: Whisky and wine always bring home the good times.

Das Ragworms play LeftLion Unplugged at the Malt Cross on Tuesday 12 December 2006 www.dasragworms.co.uk

from Mississipi John Hurt records. Doc Watson and John Hartford are two others to spring to mind and I’ve got to mention Kate Bush.

I understand you’ve spent a lot of time in Mississippi.

How did this affect your song writing?

I was already writing songs when I went out there but when I came back I was much more excited about it because my head was full of experiences. I met the bluesman RL Burnside whilst out there and I also met an old fife player. He was called Othar Turner and was ninety years old at the time. He shared some of his moonshine with me, which was very nice of him.

You have two previous releases Smalltown and When the Music is Over. Tell us about them…

They are very different but they do follow on from each other I think. Smalltown was me having fun playing with different styles and learning to find my voice as a songwriter. When the Music is Over is a much more cohesive album, its also darker and much more reflective.

When is your next release?

I’m very excited about the next record, I think it will be the one I’ve been working towards making. I’m very happy about the songs and I think me and Andy (Hill) have learned the right approach to recording me. That is to keep things simple and to give me space to play live.

My favourite recording from the last CD was a track called Meadow by the Sea, which was me on voice and guitar, Phil Jackson on mandolin and Wayne Evans on double bass all just sat around in a circle. We ended up using the first take and that’s the approach we are going to take with the next one.

There are sure to be countless potential Jezz Hall fans reading this. Convince them to come to see you at the Malt Cross in January…

Well… I’m trying to create and capture something beautiful but simple when I’m on stage, I try to use phrasing and the silent spaces inbetween to draw people in. Maybe I’ll have

some friends on stage with me playing bass and fiddle I don’t know yet. But it will be good! Come down or else I’ll burgle your house.

Jezz Hall plays LeftLion Unplugged at the Malt Cross on Tuesday 16 January 2006 www.jezzhall.com

On 15 December The Social will play host to a special party to celebrate the end of term. To help with the celebrations, Chris Geddes and Richard Colburn from Scotland’s pre-eminent jangly, indie-popsters Belle and Sebastian will be heading down to spin a few tunes to get everyone dancing.

LeftLion caught up with Richard in his home in Scotland… words: Paul Klotschkow Hello Richard, how are you?

Hi, I’m good thanks!

Where are you?

I’m currently at home, which is a small fishing village just south of St Andrews. I’ve lived here for about eight years.

Have you been up to much recently?

I was visiting a friend up in Glasgow last night. So I just did the drive back down today.

Belle and Sebastian have been a bit quiet since the summer. What have you been doing?

The band finished touring the album (The Life Pursuit released in February) in September, the tour finished over in Japan. It is likely that we won’t be doing anything until January, we are taking a well earned rest. We don’t have any new songs yet. But people in the band are always thinking about the next album. There are probably a few demos of new songs, but we haven’t talked about recording yet.

You’re coming down to The Social on 15 December to do a DJ set. What can we expect?

Me and Chris from the band are coming down, we’ve DJed a few times together before and its always fun. When I DJ I like to spread genres, mix it up a bit but still get people dancing. Chris DJs more than me, I have periods when I DJ

loads then periods when I don’t do anything, which could be anything up to a year.

Do you know Nottingham well?

Yeah, I’ve been to Nottingham a few times in the past and from what I can remember it is always good. I’ve actually played at The Social four or five times, I even played there with Snow Patrol a few years back and I did a gig with the Reindeer Section too. I don’t think we will hear anything new from the Reindeer Section in the near future, Gary (Lightbody) is too busy with Snow Patrol at the moment.

I’m sure he wants to get round to doing something with the Reindeer Section eventually, but right now he just doesn’t have the time.

It’s going to be Christmas soon. What has been the worst Christmas present that you have ever received?

A few years back I got a pretty random present. I got a metal detector of all things, I’ve never used it… it’s still in its box. It seems a hassle to get it out and use it. I would need to go to a beach, take a spade to dig up the sand. It’s all too much effort…

Avoiding metal detectors, what would you like to get this year for Christmas?

I’ve just recently started to get into cooking, so some cookery books would be nice. Do I have a speciality? No, no speciality as yet, but I have been baking a lot of bread. It is pretty easy to experiment with, baking different types of bread, which is fun.

Belle and Sebastian played the world renowned Hollywood Bowl in the summer backed by an orchestra.

That must have been a great experience?

Oh yes, it was an extraordinary experience. It was the craziest, most brilliant gig I have ever played. We played it in front of 18,000 fans with the LA Philharmonic Orchestra.

To have an orchestra behind me while I was drumming felt really powerful. It is something I will never forget! Plus to play at the Hollywood Bowl, which is such a prestigious venue, is a real honour.

What are your other outstanding gig memories?

Loads of gigs have been great, you know? When we first did Top of the Pops that was pretty special, just because it was a television institution and we were pretty unknown at the time. The first Glastonbury we did was great, but Glastonbury always is, as was the first Benicassim festival that we did. It is nice to go to a festival and have good weather. We also once played a festival down in Brazil.

Thich was another great experience as it is not somewhere you get the chance to play often.

Have Belle and Sebastian had any really terrible gigs?

Not that many have been rubbish. There are a couple. One of them was when Isabelle (Campbell) was still in the band. She had been feeling ill and just as the support band finished she got worse and was unable to play. So Chris had to go on in front on the audience who had been waiting there all night for us and apologise for the band cancelling the gig. Then we went to Germany once to a festival and it was the most ramshackle festival I have ever seen… it wasn’t fun at all.

Do you have any messages for the LeftLion readers?

Yeah, Nottingham is a great place and just always make sure to have a good time. I hope that when we come down to DJ at The Social on 15 December, we pick the right tunes and that everyone enjoys it.

Belle and Sebastian play at the Social on Friday 15 December 2006. www.belleandsebastian.com www.leftlion.co.uk/issue14

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The Smears What are your plans for the festive season?

Emma: Going home to see my family, opening my Christmas presents too early, drinking and eating too much, tormenting my nephews and seeing the girls.

Miss C: It’s my birthday on Christmas Day so I plan to drink myself blind drunk and eat lots of twiglets and pickled onions. Also, as well as working full time, I study at Nottingham Trent Uni’s business school and have my first exam at the beginning of January.

C Doll: Drinking, celebrating Miss C’s birthday on Christmas Day and hopefully more drinking.

What’s the best Christmas present you’ve ever been bought?

Miss C: My best Christmas present will be this year I get a new niece or nephew to play with.

Emma: A massive CD stereo off my Mum and Dad when I was about

DJ Squigley Ohmygosh What are your plans for the festive season?

Putting my feet up and drinking a lot! We’ve got a Festive Funk night on 29 Dec at the Pelhams with Andre Bonsor from Schmoov! and Ravi from Percussion. That should be a laugh!

What’s the best Christmas present you’ve ever been bought?

My two front teeth.

So what were the highlights of 2006 for you?

It’s been a good year for us. We toured Croatia and Japan and moved the shop to Mansfield Road. We achieved a lot of goals both professionally and personally. I also got engaged this year which was good.

What are your plans for 2007?

More touring. We’re currently planning tours in Brazil, Australia and

Nuclear Family What are your plans for the festive season?

Charlotte: Lots of walks, cooking and eating with friends and family, and counting my blessings. Oh, and writing two essays for my Masters degree. Damn!

Mike: Just relaxing and writing some new music, possibly while eating a Chocolate Orange.

Nima: To finally catch Santa.

Rob: Eating, drinking, partying, buying presents, receiving presents and sharing my love with family (Nuclear and otherwise) and friends.

But most of all, being thankful that I have the freedom and financial ability to do so.

What’s the best Christmas present you’ve ever been bought?

Nima: A GoBot. Charlotte: Probably an A La Carte Kitchen when I was tiny.

twelve. It was so huge! Oh and Optimus Prime when I was about eight.

C Doll: Too many to mention. I’m spoilt!

Sidearm

So what were the highlights of 2006 for The Smears?

Miss C: Supporting The Buzzcocks on the main stage at Rock City and playing Drop in the Ocean.

C Doll: We’ve played some wicked gigs all over the country and met some really cool people.

Emma: Writing some amazing tunes, getting our single recorded by Dan Knowles (Amusement Parks on Fire) and getting Rikki Marr to help with artwork.

What can people expect from your set at the NYE Extravaganza?

Emma: Everything they want and more.

Miss C: I think we should come up with something special for this one. I reckon lots of sexy female dancers.

C Doll: All our fastest tracks played back-to-back and some kinky outfits. back to Tokyo again. We’re looking to release more on the Ohmygosh Records label. Also in the early spring we’re launching an artist management company. It’s non-stop really.

What are your plans for the festive season?

The usual we guess… Get some sherry and cigars down our necks, eat a bit of turkey, play half a game of monopoly, write some new songs and piss off the neighbours. Oh, and a couple of us are off to All Tomorrows Parties.

What’s the best Christmas present you’ve ever been bought?

Ben: A red Manta Force spaceship Si: Eammon Holmes calendar 2004 Neil: A Scalectrix set with the little people cheering.

Phil: A hobby horse and the pure love of Christ.

Anything else you want to say?

Miss C: Smears fans - send me a birthday greeting at www.myspace. com/miss_caulton and if you see me out buy me a drink sharpish.

What can people expect from your set at the NYE Extravaganza? www.myspace.com/smearsuk Joy, sorrow, pain, anguish, lust, anger, screams of ecstasy, weirdness, strobes, visuals, sweat, blood, eyeliner, mascara, lights, camera action…

Anything else you want to say…?

We have a gig at Rock City on 7 December to warm up for NYE, and we’d like to say a big thanks to our good friends Andy (Audio Massage) and Will (I’m Not From London) for all the quality shows they’ve put on for us and many others.

What can people expect from your set at the NYE Extravaganza?

100mph back flipping breaks with uppers, downers and round-about-ers!

Anything else you want to say?

I’d like to say thanks to everyone who has supported us and the shop for the past 3 ½ years and all the people who have been to our events. Big up to Ninety, Rhino, Ital, all the artists who have performed for us, DSF, The Elementz, Karizma, Cappo, Konny Kon, Swampfoot, 45, Cmone, Furious P, Dirty Joe, Mista Jam, Joe Buhdha, The P Brothers, Big Trev and Nottz innanuttin. All the promoters who are making things happen in Nottingham, Dealmaker, Camouflage, Spectrum, Detonate, Sureshot, Basement

www.sidearmtheband.com

Boogaloo and finally Leftlion for putting it all out there. Keep up the hard work! www.ohmygosh.co.uk

Unfortunately for my parents I took the advert as a kind of guide and insisted on bringing them cold beans at 6am on a Sunday morning. I loved it!

Mike: An AT-AT from Star Wars.

Rob: A box of love. That can’t be bought. Take that consumerism!

So what were the highlights of 2006 for The Nuclear Family?

Rob: For me, progress in reaching for my T.O.E (Theory of Everything). For the band - Charlotte completing the family.

Charlotte: Our gigs at Drop in the Ocean and for LeftLion were super fun.

Nima: Personal highlights include defeating Cobra Kai and learning to love.

Mike: There’ve been too many highlights to list!

What can people expect from your set at the NYE Extravaganza?

Mike: A nice surprise.

Charlotte: Funky juicy pretty dreamy crumbly politico-pop confections. Well not crumbly. That would just be silly, eh?

So what were the highlights of 2006 for Sidearm?

We did a 2 week UK tour in the summer which was amazing fun, we played with Tired Irie which was ace…er, we also got our home-made video played a few times on Organ TV on Sky and recorded a new ep (available at Selectadisc!)

Bassrooster What are your plans for the festive season?

To get merrily wasted on Christmas Eve and spend the majority of Christmas day wishing that I hadn’t.

What’s the best Christmas present you’ve ever been bought?

A Super Nintendo with Street Fighter 2. Hadoken!

So what were the highlights of 2006 for you and Majik?

With the band, it has to be finishing our tour off at The Electric Ballroom, which is a blinding venue and being spoilt by Deep Purple’s light show, which we managed to blag at the last minute. Drop In The Ocean for the fact it’s shown me a great time both years and long may it continue. Also, not waking up in as many awkward situations as the year before and having to explain myself to friends, relatives, the police and parents is nice.

Nima: Twelve songs, each themed around a different month from 2006.

Anything else you want to say?

Nima: Happy Winterval.

Charlotte: Peace and goodwill to all.

Mike: God bless us, every one.

Rob: Why be surprised when things you expect to happen occur? Reach for your T.O.E!

What are your plans for 2007?

Majik have a single for release in February, and another tour booked around the same time. As for me, I’m planning to jaunt around England on the rail network with nowt but a bass guitar and my wits (except possibly a change of clothes) and catch up with all the people I have promised to meet up with and never got round to visiting.

What can people expect from you at the NYE Extravaganza?

Songs to surprise those who have heard my work with Majik. I have some cracking special guests lined up, some of Nottsrock’s www.myspace.com/nukefam finest. All performed with a big smile and Christmas cheer!

LeftLion New Years Eve Extravaganza at the Orange Tree. Tickets £10 (advance) available from The Orange Tree, Selectadisc or online at www.leftlion.co.uk/tickets.

Anything else you want to say…?

Come to The Orange Tree on New Years Eve. Go on. We’ll have a party. It’ll be great. Kiss my beak. www.myspace.com/majikrock www.leftlion.co.uk/issue14

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Breakdancing has been an integral part of hiphop culture since the beginning: the name ‘b-boy’ comes from ‘break boys’, the guys who would only dance to the breaks in the records played at block parties in NYC by DJs like Kool Herc and Grand Wizard Theodore.

As hiphop spread across the five boroughs and inevitably the world, the b-boys followed in crews like Rock Steady and The Dynamic Rockers. It wasn’t until Rock Steady performed for Malcom McLaren and Bow Wow Wow at the Ritz, that people on the fringes of the underground scene started to take breakdance seriously. Afrika Bambaataa played a big part in bringing breaking to the masses by teaming breakers up with sound systems and DJs and taking them on tour with The Soul Sonic Force. By the mideighties breaking and hiphop were literally joined at the hip. Nowadays crews exist all over the globe from Korea to Australia.

Here in Big Nottz we have our own resident b-boys who hold the spirit of the culture and bring their own take on something that now has over thirty years of heritage. The Ground Hogs were originally part of a crew called All Torque but have formed a more scaled down and refined outfit looking to do big things in 2007. LeftLion went to ask them what makes the world spin 360 degrees on its head…

How did you meet up and form the crew?

The Ground Hogs consists of Jay, A.I. and Leo. We have danced together for a few years and all been part of different crews at some point but recently we decided to get serious and start our own dance company.

Where do your influences lie?

The whole b-boy scene, from old school foundation moves to the more extreme new school power moves. Popping and locking have also influenced us a lot, as they take time and effort to master and obviously the music influences the dance more than anything else, with funk breaks and hiphop old and new.

Where did the name Ground Hogs come from?

It really came from the film Groundhog Day, where Bill Murray is reliving the same day every day and always trying to break the cycle… the idea seemed to reflect what we’re all about. Also bboys have a tendency to hog the dance floor so there’s ya double meaning.

Have you been getting any wider recognition outside the breaking scene?

We got seen by Dance 4, the East Midlands national dance agency and just finished doing our summer tour with them which was very successful. We gained a huge amount of positive feed back from children and parents, so we’re enjoying the performances and teaching at the moment.

How important do you feel breakdancing is to hiphop culture?

B-boyin’ is the expressive dance form of hiphop. It’s as important as the rest of the elements that make up hiphop as a

whole. Hiphop is what it is; if you don’t respect the other elements within hiphop, then you’re not hiphop, straight up!

What are your feelings on how b-boys are represented? You can turn on the TV and see breaking on a McDonalds advert or whatever…

As long as you’re true to the b-boy art form and know about the culture and don’t sell out by altering your dance form then you can do what you want.

Fakers who’ve learned a backspin, a windmill or a somersault to impress the girls on a Saturday night are not representative of b-boys and should stick to what they know.

What’s next on the agenda?

We all like teaching in schools and choreographing youth performances but it would be nice to dance on a world class stage as well as the usual grass slope at a festival or dirty club dance floor. www.myspace.com/groundhogs_uk

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Mighty and quite possibly high

words: Jared Wilson

Magic hair products, a talking gorilla, a zoo owner who doesn’t know the names of any animals and the eternal battle between Gary Numan and jazz funk. These are just a few of the things that make up the surreal world of The Mighty Boosh - one of the best new comedies I’ve seen on telly in ages! Created by Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding, if you haven’t seen it yet take a few sick days off work and get yourself under the duvet with a copy of the DVD set. It’s comedy, but not as we know it, with no satire, no swearing and no formal ‘jokes’ - yet it’s strangely compelling. One half of the duo is in Hood Town for standup, doing the Just The Tonic Christmas special at the Theatre Royal in December. We caught up with the man with the mighty hair known as Noel…

What are you up to today?

We’ve got to write the third series of the Mighty Boosh so I’m supposed to be meeting Julian but actually I’m meeting my mate Richard from Garth Marenghi instead. We’re writing together too, so I’m doing an afternoon with him and having a day off from the Boosh.

So how did you first get into comedy and who were your inspirations?

I quite liked Bill Cosby when I was growing up. I think my mum and dad had some of his albums when he used to do stand-up and they’re kind of little stories about him when he was a kid and stuff. Quite gentle but nice and surreal.

I also really liked Monty Python when it was on telly and anything by Vic Reeves and Chris Morris. But I wanted to be a painter and went to art school. I just got sidetracked into comedy. It was a mistake… I’m trying to get out but I’m trapped!

Are you one of those comedians who are not funny in real life?

No I’m hilarious… but I suppose that’s debatable isn’t it?

I think I’m much more sarcastic in real life, it’s a London thing maybe. Down here people are quite yappy and they kind of take the piss out of each other naturally. I think there’s a different kind of humour in different parts of the country and up North it’s a slightly more self-deprecating thing. In London it’s much more attacking and people really

take the piss. You have to be on your guard otherwise you just get caned.

How long have you been working with Julian now and how did you two hook up?

Too long… it’s like a marriage! We were doing stand-up and were on the same bill together. I was on first and usually you can only have about one weird comedian on a line-up. He’d been doing it a bit longer than me, but I think I had him worried for a bit and he was quite impressed. It was a bit like Batman and Robin. He said ‘listen kid, you’re good but you’re raw. C’mon, let’s see what you’re got.

Let’s write together’. I’ve been stuck with him ever since and that was about eight years ago or something. So yeah, we’ve grown together.

Is it true that series three of the Boosh might just be done with puppets?

(Laughs) Julian’s going to be played to be a puppet. I’m going to be real but he’s just going to be a tiny puppet which I just get out of my pocket every now and then and hit with a hammer and then put back.

You like working with musicians on The Mighty Boosh.

You’ve had Razorlight and Robots in Disguise on there.

Will there be any more music guests in the next series?

Maybe… we’re always slightly worried about getting bands in to do music because we like doing that ourselves,

but we do hang around with a lot of musicians. We don’t really hang out with other comedians or go and watch much stand-up. I’m really into visual things and animation and Julian’s really into jazz.

What really? So you’re not actually joking around with that in the series...?

Yeah. He’s well into jazz actually. We don’t really write any ‘actual’ jokes, I just make the fixtures and he makes the sounds and it seems to work.

I heard the title of the show comes from a haircut your brother Michael (who plays Naboo) once had…

Yeah, he had a big afro when he was a child. His mate, who sounded a bit Portugese said to him ‘your hair’s mighty, you’ve got a mighty boosh!’ and I thought it was quite funny. When we were looking for a name we didn’t want to be Barratt and Fielding, because that sounds like solicitors or lawyers or something, so we thought we’d call ourselves something weird. We’ve been called that for so long now that I honestly don’t really know if it’s a good or a bad name, I don’t even think about it anymore. A lot of people can’t say even it, they call us ‘The Mighty Bosh’ or ‘The Mighty Bush’.

So in real life how much are you like the character of Vince?

I suppose about 60%. I do dress like that and my hair is a

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bit like that. But I’m much more sarcastic and moody. Vince is a bit like an innocent child, he never gets unhappy and always wins at everything without even trying. I’m much more depressive and probably much more difficult to be around.

What’s the last thing that made you laugh a lot?

I’m sure there are about ten things that made me laugh yesterday! I saw a picture of Borat on a billboard in some weird swimming trunks and that made me laugh. I’ve been watching some old episodes of Star Trek and there’s some acting in that that is absolutely hilarious; it’s just so wrong in every way. Oh, Julia Davies from Nighty Night in Fanny Craddock - that really made me laugh.

What was the last thing that made you cry?

Hmmm… probably music. When you’re a bit hungover and you listen to music, often that’s the thing that really gets you. I’ve been listening to a lot of country singers, Townes Van Zandt has got a really sad voice and Gram Parsons’ singing always makes me cry.

Are you a fan of Ed Byrne, Daniel Kitson and David O’Doherty who you share the Just The Tonic Christmas Bill with?

Yeah! I really love David O’Doherty, I’ve known him for ages. He’s a mate and I think what he does is well funny.

Last time I saw Kitson he was really really good. I think we both got nominated for a Perrier the same year, so there was always this supposed rivalry between us with people going ‘ooh you must hate each other’, because he won the Perrier and I didn’t. But we weren’t really like that at all. I hung out with him a bit in Ireland at the Kilkenny Festival and really like him. So it should be a good night I think.

Have you been to Nottingham much before?

We did the Boosh there when we did the tour, but I haven’t been to Just the Tonic for years. I did it when I first started doing stand up. I had flu and had a really crap gig, so it’s a miracle that Darrell (Martin - club owner) was ever going to book me again.

What are the chances of there being a second series of Nathan Barley?

Mmmm…..I dunno actually. I have no idea. You’d have to ask Chris Morris. Whenever I’ve asked him he’s not sure.

He’s always got lots of stuff on and keeps busy. It’s not out of the question but I really don’t know whether he wants to do that. I’d be well up for it though, you’ve always got to keep the hope and faith.

Who’s your favourite person you’ve met since you’ve been on the telly?

Well, Chris Morris is pretty nice actually. He’s one of those people that I didn’t think I’d ever meet and yet he’s kind of a mate now, which is quite insane. He’s really fun and quite an interesting character. Who else have I met who is interesting? I met Courtney Love, she was crazy… but Morris is the most interesting.

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And maybe Gary Numan as well…?

Oh yeah, Gary Numan! I almost forgot Gary for a second… how could I? He’s really nice and funny as well, he’s great!

What’s your best anecdote from a Boosh tour?

We once couldn’t get to a gig because some oil caught fire on the motorway when we were driving to Bristol. We had Depeche Mode’s tour bus and we were sitting on the roof drinking beer. It was freezing and everything ground to a halt. We were going to miss our gig and it would have cost loads of money if we’d have had to cancel it because we’d sold all the tickets. So their people were going ‘you can’t miss the gig’. We were trying to work out how we could get there by maybe walking across some fields and getting a cab from the next village. In the end all these police cars surrounded our tour bus and drove us the wrong way down a busy motorway. It was really exciting, everyone in their cars must have been going ‘who is that?’ like it was Madonna or someone. That was probably the most exciting thing to happen, but there are many things I couldn’t tell you about… or at least that you couldn’t print.

Was there a big jump between your original vision for the TV series and the final product?

Hmm… kind of. We’re still working at it. You get closer, but you never get it exactly right. I think the second series is more like what we had in our heads, particularly the way it looked and the pace of it. The third one should be even better again, but I don’t know if you can ever quite get onto the telly exactly what you’ve got in your head or on paper. If you achieve that, then you probably have to just lie down and never do anything ever again in your life because you’ve got nowhere left to go. It’s always good to have somewhere to move on to and always be going ‘oh I wish we’d done this better’ or ‘I wish that bit worked’. But sometimes you also get new stuff out of it, which wasn’t how you’d imagined it, but comes out better!

Tell us a bit about the new series. What have we got to look forward to?

Its going to be set in a nefarious second hand magic shop where Naboo deals black magic under the counter. I sell fashion clothes and Julian sells jazz records. It’s sort of like a second hand shop where people come in and get involved in black magic. So its gonna be set in there and also a club that our band play at. It’ll be a bit more in one place, rather than going on another six adventures. We might go on some adventures as well, but I think we’ll keep a few of them in and around the shop with some regular characters in it. Bob Fossil will be in it again and Bollo will be too. There’ll be a bit more animation, a bit more music maybe and hopefully the writing will be good too. We’re getting better…

What are your tips for new comedians?

For me, it’s always originality really. I just like people that are different. When you see something different it’s always really exciting. I just think you can be really good but if you’re doing the same as everyone else it’s a bit boring.

I always look for stuff that’s weird and different, so if someone does odd stuff I’m happy. Material you couldn’t

write yourself is always interesting. When someone comes in and does something and you think ‘how the hell did you think of that?’ So just originality really and a bit of charm too. I think there’s not enough charm on the stand-up circuit, people are too abrasive and too aggressive. A nice smile goes a long way.

How did it feel to play the Secret Policeman’s Ball?

It was really good fun! We were on tour doing quite a lot of gigs anyway and were well practiced with the live stuff. I really like those big gigs. We thought, what shall we do at the Albert Hall? Let’s do a swordfight and have some rabbits run around and bum us. We wanted to do something they definitely wouldn’t see for the rest of the night.

It was fun to meet Chevy Chase and we shared a dressing room with Richard E Grant. Hmmm… what else happened?

Jeremy Irons was wandering around and Eddie Izzard and Jimmy Fallon, this guy from Saturday Night Live in America, was there. There was a woman on called Sarah Silverman, an American comedian who I thought was the best on the night.

Who cuts your hair, do you style it yourself, what products do you use?

A bit of wax, bit of gel, bit of mousse. I do style it myself.

It’s cut by a goth lady who works in Islington, in Angel, but I can’t say where as I don’t want her getting bombarded or I won’t be able to get an appointment myself anymore!

She’s like a hidden secret and she’s brilliant. She’s been cutting it for ages, so she knows what I like. We’ve got a sort of joint philosophy now, I don’t even have to speak. I hope she doesn’t move. She was thinking of emigrating to Morocco at one point. Then I would have had to go there to get my hair cut.

Where can we get a Bollo suit from?

They’re quite hard to get actually, we had to make ours.

Some guy who worked on Planet of the Apes did it. He’s a sculptor and he does gorilla heads and all kinds of monkeys. He’s like a monkey specialist and looks a bit like one too. Maybe he was a monkey? He could have been, just disguised in jeans. I didn’t check…

But yeah, they’re really hard to get right. If you go to a fancy dress shop they just look awful! We were originally going to build up prosthetics on Dave’s head (the guy who plays Bollo), so he had to shave his eyebrows off. Then we tried it and it didn’t look that good, so we ended up using a mask.

But he’d already shaved them by that point, so he wasn’t very happy with us.

Noel Fielding plays alongside Ed Byrne, Daniel Kitson and David O’Doherty at Just The Tonic Christmas Special Extreme at the Theatre Royal on Friday 22 December 2006.

You can win a pair of tickets on www.leftlion.co.uk/forum. www.themightyboosh.com www.justthetonic.com

S f n m s T c s s B s h s c i N b f R o w a R w

H I o

D R N a d f o

S I h w f m – t s

D n I w a s I j

S w I y a t I

She’s racked up a huge list of film credits (although she’s not massively arsed about the movie industry these days), she’s dossed about with Quentin Tarantino and The Prodigy, she can call up Dave Grohl when she’s a drummer short, and she used to knock about with Brad Pitt. More importantly, she’s one of the few people who have made the transition from screen to CD without making a complete tit of herself. Her name is Juliette Lewis, former star of Natural Born Killers and Cape Fear, now plying her trade as a frighteningly authentic balls-out Rockstress. We struggled to hide our jealousy when we caught up with her on a rare day off during a European tour that took in the Rescue Rooms… words: Al Needham How’s the tour been?

It’s been monumental and amazing, we’ve had a million soldout shows, wild, crazy crowds…it’s been incredible so far.

Do you remember anything about your gig at the Rescue Rooms?

Nottingham right? Nottingham’s always a bit wild. There’s a girl there who’s really nice who always brings me drawings. No fights broke out, which was good. Sometimes fights break out at our gigs and cops get called…this is one of the dangers of rock n’ roll music, I guess.

Starting a band after being a successful movie actress - has it been a help or hindrance in your new career?

It is what it is. I look at things as an opportunity, and we’ve had some amazing opportunities. We’ve got an audience which I’ve earned from the films I’ve made from the last fifteen years and the funny thing is the people who like my films seem to like the type of music we play anyway – guitar-driven good-time rock n’ roll. But we get judged ten times harder than any other new band because of my past, so we have to be ten times better.

Do people in the business assume you’re only getting noticed because of who you are and what you’ve done?

I hope not, because the notices are all good. For me, it was always about the gigs first and getting a reputation as a live act, then developing the songs second. Our songwriting’s getting better and we’re growing as a band.

I always tell people to see The Licks before you pass judgement, because seeing is believing.

So what happens when you have to put the band on hold when you get a film offer?

It doesn’t work like that. My priority is the record, and when you release a record you have to promote it for a year. In any case, movies are such a small commitment. You’re only there for anything from two weeks to a month and a half.

I’ve already turned down film work while I’ve been on tour.

Really?

Yeah! I’ve done movies for fifteen years, but it’s not my passion. I’m working my ass off with this band and I’m trying to get to the next record. Music has been my priority over the past three years. We wouldn’t be in the position that we’re in now if it wasn’t.

Four great Juliette Lewis Movies

Out of all the films you’ve done, which one would you like to erase from your memory?

I’m not telling. It’d be a film you’ve never seen, in any case.

What’s the harder job out of music and acting?

I couldn’t tell you… it’s a funny question. There’s a lot of creative freedom in music. I would write a song on Wednesday, play it at a gig on Friday and record it in a friend’s basement the next week – that’s freedom. You don’t have that in films, you’re reliant on money and a huge crew of people. In all forms of art, you have to have a will of steel, love it and be hungry as hell. You’re only gonna be let down if you think everything’s going to come easy.

What was it like working with The Prodigy on Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned?

That was so much fun, because I love that kind of music.

You’re not held down by normal song structure. Liam had some amazing tracks, I would spout out lyrics and melody lines and he’d chop ‘em up. He’s just really incredibly talented and a joy to work with.

What’s Quentin Tarantino like in real life?

Exactly as you’d imagine him to be. Very expressive and funny, he can hold a conversation about anything.

Juliette and The Licks’ new CD Four On The Floor is out now www.julietteandthelicks.com

Kalifornia (1993) Juliette plays the white trash girlfriend of a killer for the first time, as she’s cast as Adele alongside the dark and devious Early Grayce (Brad Pitt). They join researcher Brian (David Duchovny) and Carrie (Michelle Forbes) for a frightening road trip across America.

What’s Eating Gilbert Grape (1993) Gilbert Grape (Johnny Depp) lives in Endora, a place where nothing much happens except his brother Arnie (Leonardo Di Caprio) causing trouble. Then one day Becky (Lewis) and her grandmother pass through Endora and Gilbert falls in love.

Natural Born Killers (1994) Lewis plays the white trash girlfriend of a killer for a second time as the sick yet sexy Mallory Knox, alongside Woody Harrelson’s equally twisted Mickey. Two victims of traumatised childhoods become lovers and then psychopathic serial murderers who are irresponsibly glorified by the mass media.

From Dusk Til Dawn (1996) Quentin Tarantino wrote and starred in this Robert Rodriguez directed action horror flick. Juliette played Kate Fuller, the saucy daughter of backslidden preacher Jacob Fuller (Harvey Keitel).

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When They Were Peasants My Father and Other Working-Class Football Heroes is not only a former William Hill Sports Book of the Year - it’s probably the best book that’s been written about football in quite a while. By a Nottingham-born writer too! words: James K.Walker On the surface, My Father... is the biography of Stewart Imlach, the fifties Forest winger who was not only Man of the Match in the 1959 FA Cup Final, but the first representative of either Nottingham club in the World Cup. More importantly, it’s a historical and cultural analysis of how football has shifted dramatically from working-class pursuit to middle-class leisure option. When Imlach the elder was at his peak, First Division footballers barely earned as much as the factory workers on the terraces, and the idea of a player being set up for life simply didn’t exist.

As a child born in West Bridgford (as part of Nottingham’s post-Cup Final baby boom), Imlach’s book is a tale of getting to know what made his frequently-absent father tick, long after the chance to sit down and talk had slipped by. As a postscript, the book even managed to get the author’s father a posthumous cap for his appearance in the 1958 World Cup (which was denied to him in life due to ridiculous bureaucracy), adding another dimension to this fascinating story.

What makes My Father…particularly unique is that it is a football book written with absolute detachment for the sport, devoid of the fake ‘passion’ that characterises the average footy biog. Quite an achievement when you realise it is written by a seasoned TV sports professional best known for his coverage of the Tour de France and the NFL. Not only is it a lament for a father he left it too late to know properly, it’s an elegy for a sport that has become bloated and commercialised out of all recognition. Suffice to say, it’s a little bit better than Wayne Rooney’s ghost-written autobiography…

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Did you receive any help from your family in the research?

Yes, mainly from my mum. Having failed to sit down and really talk with my father before it was too late, writing the book gave me the perfect excuse to do exactly that with my mother, and I’m very glad that it did.

Did writing the book help to re-ignite a passion for football?

No, the opposite. Writing the book helped crystallise for me the reasons I’d drifted away. I was still shouting at the television during the World Cup, mind, but I didn’t pay enough attention to fancy myself as a tipster.

Can we expect any extra chapters in future editions?

Well, there were any number of dead ends in my research, usually because none of the key characters in a given episode were still alive to tell their version of the tale.

But I’m grateful for what I have discovered, and anyway you have to draw the line somewhere, for your own psychological health if nothing else.

Although your father finally received a posthumous cap, are you still bitter about his treatment by the Scottish FA? I was bitter about it and I suppose I still am… given that what’s been achieved since his death could have been achieved before it. Funnily enough, receiving the cap wasn’t the big thing, it was the telephone call from the Chief Executive of the SFA to say that the decision had been taken that brought some feeling of satisfaction.

Which is your favourite cap: the one made by Brian Turner of Majestic Trophies of Nottingham before your father’s death, or the official one?

Maybe Brian’s cap had more value; a cap crafted out of

genuine feeling by people who saw him play and admired him, as opposed to an item squeezed out of an unwilling bureaucracy on a technicality. But I don’t think in terms of favourites. I’m just glad that the second one exists.

You have very strong opinions on the current state of football. Do you believe it’s in danger of imploding?

I don’t see it imploding, but I wouldn’t shed any tears if it did.

Would a potential wage cap save it?

I think a wage cap will prove extremely difficult to frame and enforce, so I see the financial disparities stretching ever wider.

As part of your research, you returned to Nottingham…

I went there on a trip into the past, so the actual Nottingham and the one I visited are different places.

Because I haven’t diluted my childhood memories with repeated return visits, I found it full of strong and sudden associations with the past. For that reason, what I particularly liked were the streets around my old house on Albert Road in West Bridgford and the park opposite.

Topping an award winning book is going to be a hard task. Any plans?

It’s a question my agent and publisher are taking it in turns to put to me. I’ll take suggestions.

My Father and Other Working-Class Football Heroes is available in paperback from Yellow Jacket Press, RRP £7.99 www.randomhouse.com www.jameskwalker.co.uk

There’s Only One Jason Lee… Jason Lee is one of a rare breed of footballers loved by both sides of Nottingham football.

He spent three years with Forest in the midnineties, making an impressive 76 appearances and becoming nationally renowned (mainly for the abuse he received from Baddiel and Skinner on their Fantasy Football League TV show).

Then, this summer, the now 36 year old striker signed for Notts County. At the time there were a few groans from Magpies fans, but all have been silenced since he started banging in the goals. words and photo: Jared Wilson Where do you think County will finish this season?

I’m hopeful we’ll finish in the top six or maybe go a step higher and make the top three.

You were appointed club captain straight after you signed. What does that involve?

I think I’ve been bestowed that honour because I’m the most senior player at the club. The commercial managers run sponsorship opportunities like meals, restaurants, suits and kit past me. It’s been my job to tap into that and get the players involved. I’m really proud to do it!

You almost signed for the Magpies last season, but it didn’t quite happen. What was it that swayed you this summer?

When I came over in January I was hopeful of signing. I’d made my mind up that I was going to leave Boston. Northampton were also interested and doing really well, but my first choice was Notts. I spoke to the club, but there were all sorts of problems. For one reason or another it never happened. Sometimes you just can’t force things.

But one door closed and another opened.

I ended up going to Northampton and got promotion there. Then Steve Thompson took over at Notts in the summer and I was the first person he called. I’ve always said I’d play for him again, given the opportunity, so it wasn’t a hard choice.

If you could put any player, past or present, in the current team, who would you pick?

John Barnes. I’ve always looked up to him for his skill and as an ambassador for black footballers. I’ve been fortunate enough to meet him a number of times. If we could put him on the left wing it’d be brilliant, I’m sure I’d get loads of goals.

Are you proud that Notts were the first football league club to get ‘Kick Racism out of Football’ status?

I take my hat off to them! I know clubs are trying to do stuff with politics and it’s quite a big thing to overcome. It’s not as bad as it was years ago, but there’ll always be someone who says something stupid.

But I don’t think it’s that bad nowadays and clubs are doing the best they can to eradicate it.

Who is the toughest defender you have ever played against?

Gary Pallister when he was at Man United.

He was a big guy, he was quick and if he wasn’t injured as much I’m sure he’d have played more times for England.

Who’s the best strike partner you’ve ever played with?

Brian Roy was pretty amazing in the first

season he came to Forest. He was different gravy. What can I say? He’d just come from the World Cup and he was on fire!

What was it like playing with Stan Collymore?

Me and Stan got on well. We were the same age and sat next to each other in the changing rooms. He did some really good things when he was playing for Forest and got England caps. I thought he was a brilliant striker to be honest!

What kind of music do you like?

I’m pretty varied really. I’ve got kids and so they keep me in touch with pop, but I’m really more into RnB and my first love is rap music.

Do you ever listen to any Notts hiphop?

I do like my urban music, but I’m not familiar with the Nottingham guys to be honest. I really like Kano. For me he’s the top man.

What do you have as your pre-match meal?

If it’s a Saturday I’ll have cereal. If it’s an evening game I might well go for a little bit of pasta, beans, toast and chicken.

What do you count as your biggest achievement in football?

Still playing today. To stay in the game is not easy and nowadays younger players find it difficult to have a long term career in the game. I’ve been in for seventeen or eighteen years now.

What would you say was your lowest moment?

Being injured. I was at Peterborough for a year and I did my patella tendon. I wondered if I’d play again, as you do when you have long term injuries. But I looked at Ronaldo’s rehab with the same injury and he did it twice. So that helped inspire me.

Who’s the best manager you’ve ever played for?

I’d better say my present one or I’ll be in trouble. But I’ve played for Thommo twice and wouldn’t have signed again if I didn’t have the utmost respect for him. I’ve played for Barry Fry twice as well and he’s a complete lunatic, but infectious and was always good to me. Graham Taylor was something else, very professional and never left a stone unturned. I worked with Peter Taylor a couple of times too - his coaching sessions are excellent!

I read that Graham Taylor sold you to Chesterfield because you wouldn’t uproot your family from Notts.

I had a three year contract at Watford and I left after a year. It wasn’t that I wasn’t

prepared to move, but for one reason or another, I didn’t think it would be a great step to take to move when I could just commute. Nottingham’s pretty central and I wasn’t sure how long I was going to stay in London. I wanted a base and we decided on Nottingham, especially with the kids going to school here and everything.

So you’ve lived in the city all that time?

Ever since I signed for Forest. I’ve been here for twelve years and just commuted to the clubs I’ve played for since.

What do you think to the city? Is the bad reputation for crime deserved?

Well I come from London so I don’t really get it twisted. I’ve left London behind and I know that is a bad place. I see the way Notts gets portrayed as the gun capital, but I’ve got family who live in London and that certainly ain’t a picnic either!

I’ve read elsewhere you don’t like being asked about this, but I wanted to ask about the Baddiel and Skinner ‘Pineapple’ thing.

It’s not that I don’t like being asked about it, but if you can imagine how many times I have been asked! But I’m never going to get away from it, so fire away…

I was just going to ask what your thoughts on it are now. I’ve read in previous interviews you thought it had a

bad effect on your career…

It didn’t kill my career, but it did have a negative effect. I understand the way the media works and if I wasn’t doing well before Baddiel and Skinner there was no way I would have been highlighted anywhere. I was playing quite well in the Premiership when it started, I’d scored six in six games. But I was always going to be recognised for my distinctive hairstyle and they ran with it every week. Then it coincided with some bad form. The most difficult part of that was my family and friends would try to jump to my defence, getting upset and angry. Having said this, I watched every programme on Friday nights with my team mates. But I’d like to think I’ve still managed to do some other stuff with my career which will be remembered.

I’ve got four promotions, played more than 500 games and scored more than 100 goals.

Have you ever met either Baddiel or Skinner in real life?

No, but obviously I know which teams they support. I was invited on their show a number of times but declined. At the time when I was getting most hammered I went to Chelsea with Forest and scored. As you can imagine that was brilliant because I know Baddiel was in the stand. As a player you can always have the last laugh... www.nottscountyfc.co.uk

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Striking Back A band described as ‘Music made by the people for the people’ Kasabian have bombarded electronic indie rock with their reputable swagger and rough vocals. The last year has been a busy one for the boys with the release of new album Empire and the loss of major songwriter Chris Karloff. But despite it all they continue to top album charts and stomp on in footprints left by their predecessors Primal Scream and Oasis. We met up with bassist Chris Edwards to see how it’s all been hanging. words: Michelle Bayton So where did the band name come from?

It came from reading a book on the Charles Manson murders. The woman who got away from him was called Lynda Kasabian and we thought it was a cool name to use especially seeing as she was the escapee!

I thought the film was really good and definitely much better than what we thought it might be like. To be honest I thought it was going to be quite poor, like Dream Team or other crap footy films like that. But we were surprised, it was actually quite dark.

What’s your favourite of your own tracks?

Doberman. Just because it’s a great tune and was recorded and finished in about two hours and after eight cans of Stella. It’s raw and became a sketch which turned into a masterpiece.

Is that an appropriate metaphor for the band then… the sense of escapism?

(Laughs) yeah I suppose you could say that.

How did it come about that your track was used?

The same process as usual.

What’s your favourite track of all time?

Your desert island single if you like?

Blackbird by the Beatles. No-one writes stuff like that any more. It’s so chilled.

Where did Kasabian start out in music?

It was around the Britpop era when Oasis and Blur were at a head. We all picked up guitars and started jamming together. We loved Oasis and their sound and that’s how it all started.

A couple of you collaborated with DJ Shadow on The Outsider. What was it was like working with him?

It wasn’t me who worked with Shadow, but the thing is that with him its equal admiration. He likes what we do and we like him. We all love the way he treats music and vice versa, so he wanted us involved.

So you’d say he was a source of inspiration?

Yeah definitely Do you know much about the new San Francisco scene he’s part of?

No not really. To be honest we don’t really know much about anything musical at the moment as we’re all too busy with our own stuff.

Are you busier due to the loss of Chris from the band?

Yes and no. It was just a difference in musical opinion that’s all.

No bitterness then?

No. Right then... I’ll move on. Is there anyone else you’d be keen to collaborate with?

If I had to say anyone it would definitely be Mick Moloney, but like I said earlier, we don’t have time to listen to much new stuff, so it’d always have to be a legend.

Club Foot was used heavily in the football film Goal.

What did you think of the film?

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Fill us in then…

Our production team sold it out to them after checking with us that it was okay to be used. We’re usually cool about them selling out our stuff as long as it’s not for a Tampax or Tena Lady advert or something like that. We have to keep our cool!

Another article in this issue of LeftLion involves Noel Fielding. I believe he’s a big fan of yours and a bit of a drinking buddy?

Maybe with the other lads but I don’t really know him. We meet loads of people and I’m crap with names.

He’s from the TV show The Mighty Boosh.

Does that ring any bells?

Ah yeah, I do know him, but it is the other lads who drink with him.

What do you think of the show?

I like it. It’s built in a bit of a zone and it’s twisted and that’s what I like. It’s quite similar to The League of Gentlemen in that way which is equally brilliant. I’m a big fan of twisted comedy.

You’re playing at Nottingham Ice Arena on 15 December.

Do you prefer the larger venues?

I like both for different reasons. Smaller venues are always more intimate and personal but you get a much bigger buzz in the larger arenas. I’m looking forward to it.

What do you think of Nottingham then, being Leicester boys at heart?

Yeah I like Notts, although we never really came over here that much. As soon as we were at the going out age the band had started to make it big so all our time was consumed with promoting and now we only really get here when we gig. It’s all cool though.

Who do you think are the best upcoming artists we should check out?

The Fratellis. We’ve always bigged them up and we’re taking them on this tour with us and so now they’ve made it big themselves its really cool. Also Gogol Bordello who are a crazy Bavarian band we saw in Turkey. One of their tracks Stop Wearing Purple is one of the craziest tracks you’ll ever hear. I’m hoping they’ll make in onto the scene here because they’re just floating around Europe at the moment.

What was the last album you bought?

It was a best of Ray Charles compilation and I bought it after seeing Ray the film. He’s a legend. I’m big on that Johnny Cash film Walk The Line as well. We do a cover version of a Jefferson Airplane song in a Johnny Cash style.

It’s bizarre but it works!

What was the last thing that made you laugh?

Our singer Tom talking to himself in a hotel. It’s one of those ‘you had to be there’ things!

What was the last thing that made you cry?

I watched back the electric proms gig that we did a while ago and I didn’t cry but I felt really emotional. I was just dead proud I suppose.

So what’s coming up for you over the next year?

Obviously the gig in December at the Ice Arena and then just the same sort of things with promotion and live gigs and of course working on new ideas and music.

Anything else you want to say to Leftlion readers?

See you in December! www.kasabian.co.uk

1. YOUR SHIT OFFICE PARTY THAT ALREADY HAPPENED IN NOVEMBER Ah, Christmas dos. The need to pretend that we’re well liked, the chance to ride the office bike - there’s no finer indication of the status of your company than the office party. If you’re rolling about pissed out of your eyeballs in World Service or Harts the day before you break up, well done. Your future is secured and you’ll probably be doing the same thing next year. If you’ve spent your Christmas piss-up upstairs at the Peacock long before the first horrible lights went up, rest assured that your company is firmly up Arsehole Street and there’ll be no bog roll in the office lavs

by January.

2. THAT BLOKE ACROSS THE ROAD WHO PUT THE ENORMOUS SANTA LIGHTS ON HIS HOUSE AS SOON AS GOOSE FAIR FINISHED He’s not the only one on the estate going through the same old depressing, turd-polishing motions - but Christ on a crisp packet! It’s so gargantuan that Rudolf’s head fills up his bedroom window and he keeps it on all night.

I dunno about you, but if I was his missus and all I could see at night was a massive neon reindeer head staring at me through the curtains, I wouldn’t be massively up for a seeing-to.

3. THAT HORRIBLE ADVERT WITH BESTIAL NECROPHILIAC FISTING ‘Tis the season to be gorgeous?’ In a pig’s arse, it is. What’s sexy about Xmas? Nothing! Especially some tart ramming her hand up a turkey’s ringpiece and gurning.

4. THE GERMAN MARKET Controversial choice I know, but c’mon; it’s just Lidl without

a roof. Do cities in Germany have Nottingham Markets, with stalls selling unofficial Crazy Frog T-shirts, knickers stretched over metal hoops and funf lighteren fur ein euro?

No, they don’t.

5. SHOPPING CENTRES PUTTING UP DECORATIONS IN NOVEMBER Bastards.

6. MEATHEADS AND SLAPPERS IN TOWN WEARING SANTA HATS It makes that random, unprovoked kicking so much more jovial, doesn’t it? A shame the staff at A&E don’t wear the full gear, put you on their knee, and say “Ho ho ho! I know a little boy who wants a splint and some painkillers!”

7. THE ONE TIME OF THE YEAR WHERE YOU HAVE TO GO TO FUCKING ARGOS It’s like signing on, but coming away with a Darth Vader helmet instead of a Giro.

10. THE LAST FRIDAY IN TOWN BEFORE THE STUDENTS GO HOME Carnage!

11. THE FRIDAY AFTER THAT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE KNOCKS OFF WORK Even worse!

12. THOSE LITTLE ROBOTIC FUCKERS IN VICCY CENTRE Don’t they get on your tits? I swear I’m gonna jump over the barrier and twat one of ‘em on the snot-box this year.

Waving at me like he fucking knows meh.

13. THE INFLATABLE SNOWMAN ON THE PUB ROOF THAT HAS ALREADY DEFLATED It looks like some youth has thrown the world’s biggest spent Johnny up there.

8. THE COUNCIL HOUSE LOOKING LIKE IT WAS BOUGHT OFF QVC WHEN SOMEONE WAS REALLY PISSED, FOR A LAUGH Ugh.

14. IN FACT, ANY PUB THAT DOES DECORATIONS APART FROM THE OLD GENERAL IN HYSON GREEN For eleven months of the year, they have a dummy of an old bloke in military uniform in the upstairs window. In December, they chuck a Santa outfit over it. Simple. Subtle.

Timeless.

9. CLAIRE SWEENEY IN THE LOCAL PANTO EVERY BASTARD YEAR She is, isn’t she? Has she got Poloroids of the management of the Theatre Royal going dogging or summat? Who is she, anyway? Ah well, at least there’s some semblance of properness this year with Basil Brush, Christopher Biggins and no Hollyoaks rammell.

15. CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS BOUGHT FROM POUND SHOPS Hey, I’ll have nowt said against pound shops, but a bloke on our estate has got these Santa poster-things that say ‘Ho Ho Ho’ in his window. Problem is that from the outside it reads ‘Oh Oh Oh’ - which makes it sound like he’s having phone sex.

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16. CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS, FULL STOP. I once had the only Christmas decco worth a toss - a massive cardboard box made to look like a prezzie, full of little polystyrene balls and a vacuum attachment. You put your tree in it, clipped a little pipe to the spine, and turned it on. Result – a never-ending cascade of snow. All the others aren’t worth the steam off my, yours or anyone else’s piss.

17. HAVING TO BUY CHRISTMAS CARDS WHEN PEOPLE WHO YOU DON’T GIVE A TOSS ABOUT SEND YOU ONE Look, this is why email was invented. Stop it. Now. 18. THE FACT THAT YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BRING YOUR GAMES IN ON THE LAST DAY OF WORK Not fair.

19. PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING ON HOLIDAY FOR Christmas BRAGGING ON ABOUT HOW THEY’RE GOING ON HOLIDAY FOR CHRISTMAS Stop banging on about it, you sensible, rational, clevererthan-me bastards.

20. CHATTY YOUTHS GOING CAROL SINGING NOT FIVE MINUTES AFTER HALLOWEEN All they know is We Wish You A Merry Christmas. Come back when it is Christmas, you knob-ended teeth-sucking vermin.

21. SOME TWAT OFF THE X FACTOR INEVITABLY BEING THE CHRISTMAS NO.1 The battle for Christmas No.1 used to be mint. Now it’s decided by a glorified karaoke competition, where some mewling whelp who Nanas and the homosexual community like gets to take their place alongside Slade and Wizzard, before sinking into obscurity quicker than you can say ‘Louis Walsh wants a stick up his arse.’

22. SHITTY CHRISTMAS MUSIC EVERYWHERE We’ll have a rock ‘n roll Christmas - Christmas rock n’ roll…Wish I was at home for Ker-ristmasss…And so this is Christmas and what have you done?...Simply. Having.

A wonderful Christmas time... And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom. How the fuck do people in Morrisons put up with this shit without opening a vein?

23. GOING BACK HOME TO YOUR MAM’S TO DISCOVER YOUR OLD BEDROOM IS NOW THE FREEZER ROOM Seriously, if you’d have been run over in the street when you were seven, they would have left everything untouched. Because you didn’t, the minute you leave they chuck away the bed you lost your virginity on and replace it with a chest freezer containing half a dead cow. Where’s me back copies of 2000ADs and every single Forest programme during both European Cup runs? In a canvas bag in the shed with the leaky roof? Skill!

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24. YOUR MAM HAVING HER ANNUAL NERVOUS BREAKDOWN Obviously, Mams are skill. But why are they the only ones who give a fuck about Christmas when everyone else can’t be arsed with it? Why do they feel the need to peg it down to Tescos at five in the morning to buy more food that’ll be chucked away?

25. TAXI DRIVERS TAKING THE PISS Rip-off merchants at the best of times – utterly larcenous at Christmas. They might as well just take your wallet, shove their cocks through the fold, and have sex with it.

Their rampant greed inevitably leads to…

26. TOWN BEING ABSOLUTELY DESERTED ON CHRISTMAS EVE Once upon a time, this was the best night of the year for getting mashed in town. No hassle, everyone in a good mood, no trouble whatsoever. Nowadays, everyone’s been on a works do, a departmental do and a go-out-with-yourmates-who-are-back-in-town do. your drinks cabinet is groaning and the last bus home is at 10pm. Consequently, you can walk from one end of town to the other on Christmas Eve and you’ll see 100 people and a mile-long queue of fucked-off cabbies.

27. A GREY CHRISTMAS I miss proper snow. Even the Meadows looked nice in the snow.

28. YOUR MAM AND DAD GIVING YOU THE SAME PRESENTS THEY DID LAST YEAR It’s not like I’d expect ‘em to know I really wanted the new Zelda on the Game Cube or a new portable hard drive, but for fuck’s sake – I am old enough to buy my own pants.

The Viz annual is just pages ripped out of issues I’ve already got, I don’t use aftershave and it’s not that I don’t like Special Toffee - but I do like still having my own teeth, thanks.

29. YOUR FIVE YEAR-OLD NEPHEW GETTING A PLAYSTATION 2 He can’t even read yet, so guess who has to sit with him all week and play piss-poor movie tie-in games because he doesn’t understand what to do? It’s not fair. He doesn’t appreciate it. I haven’t even got one. Sulk.

30. SELECTION BOXES A quid’s worth of chocolate if you go to the right all-night garage, bundled up with some game that no-one ever plays. You’ve already eaten so much chocolate that you could easily shit a Mars bar, but it’d be a shame to let it go to waste…

31. HAVING TO GO TO THE LOCAL PUB TO GET OUT OF YOUR MAM’S WAY You wouldn’t be seen dead in the place on the other 364 days of the year, because you probably would be, but on this day it’s heaving. Particularly if there was a machete attack in a nearby pub the night before. So you sit there

for a couple of hours trying to squeeze a conversation out of your miserable, face-like-a-smacked-arse Dad. The only bit of entertainment on offer? Counting the new and manky market jumpers at the bar. Oh, and…

39. BOXING DAY Ooh, let’s go shopping again, seeing as its been two whole fucking days since we’ve dragged our arses through Viccy centre.

32. SEEING PEOPLE FROM SCHOOL ONCE A YEAR AND HAVING TO LIE ABOUT HOW ACE YOUR LIFE IS We’ve all done it, haven’t we?

40. ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL TO DO FOR A WEEK APART FROM MORE SHOPPING And eating. And drinking.

33. YOUR DAD IN A PAPER HAT, PISSED OUT OF HIS SKULL, BANGING ON ABOUT JESUS WHILST DUMPING HALF A POT OF PEPPER ON HIS TURKEY An annual ritual at our house during Christmas dinner, usually just after the end of the prawn cocktail and just before the first wine glass gets broken. As he eloquently puts it, “Everyone’s forgotten about the cunt!” The way he goes on, he makes it sound like the Son of God is on his own in a bungalow in Arnold, thinking to himself “Fucking hell, I’m 2,006 years old today…and what have I done with me life?”

41. THE BITTERSWEET MOMENT WHEN YOU ACTUALLY REALISE YOU’RE DESPERATE TO GO BACK TO WORK Even if you happen to work at a maggot factory or are a prostitute on Forest Road.

34. HOLIDAY ADVERTS KICKING IN THE MINUTE YOU’VE HAD YOUR Christmas DINNER Fuck. Off. 35. THE QUEEN’S SPEECH If you’ve still got your grandparents, it’s a traditional part of the day. If you haven’t, it’s some right old trout banging on about arse all. What’s on next? Oh, for fuck’s sake…

36. THE BOND FILM Alright, so maybe it’s enjoying a brief revival due to them having a new blonde one. But let’s be honest; ever since we realised that all British spies really do is lose laptops on trains and make up excuses for America to bomb Muslims, the magic has gone.

37. ALL CHRISTMAS TELLY, IN FACT Jesus, I can remember the days when the entire country had a collective orgasm when the Christmas TV and Radio Times came out. Nowadays you either spend Christmas night round your mates (providing they live within walking distance, or you’ve taken out a loan to pay the cab fare), in the spare room with a laptop and a tray of sausage rolls, or on the settee in an alcoholic stupor with a tin of Sensations on your rapidly expanding gut.

38. THE REALISATION, JUST BEFORE YOU GO TO BED, THAT TWO MONTHS OF RELENTLESS MARKETING, HUNDREDS OF POUNDS YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO SPEND AND MILLIONS OF MAN-HOURS SPENT RUNNING AROUND LIKE A BLUE-ARSED FLY HAVE RESULTED IN A) AN INTERRUPTED LIE-IN, B) A SESSION IN A RUBBISH PUB, C) SOME PANTS THAT DON’T FIT YOU, D) A GLORIFIED SUNDAY DINNER, E) A ROW WITH YOUR DAD OVER RELIGION AND F) AN UTTERLY, UTTERLY FUTILE EXPERIENCE Just like last year. And next year.

42. THE EXTRA STONE YOU PUT ON OVER CHRISTMAS Nuff said.

43. NEW YEARS EVE BEING ONLY SIX DAYS AWAY FROM CHRISTMAS Don’t get me wrong, New Years Eve is skill! In fact, it’s the all-denomination winter solstice piss-up that is everything Christmas should be. But why does it have to be so close to the rubbish one? Let’s move it to the middle of January, or replace Valentines Day with it, when we’ve all got a bit more cash and could do with a doss off work.

44. NOT BEING ABLE TO WATCH A BELL-END FALL OUT OF THE CHRISTMAS TREE IN TOWN AND GET ARRESTED THIS YEAR Thanks to Slab Square still looking like a World War One trench.

Also see; 45. NOT BEING ABLE TO SNOG A SHARON UP AGAINST A LION Oi! Council! Sort it!

46. MAKING YOUR NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS AND REALISING THAT THEY’RE THE SAME ONES AS LAST YEAR This year, I vow to; stop going into Yates and beating people up, calm down on the ‘shagging women every night’ thing, be a bit less ostentatious about my expensive house and car and stop being a compulsive liar.

47. NEW YEAR’S DAY The dullest day of the year. Even Bono had a cob-on about it and although I think he’s a hateful twat, I’m inclined to agree.

48. JANUARY Five weeks before you get paid. Tax bills. Credit card bills.

Everyone’s skint. No-one goes out. Rubbish!

49. MAD BASTARDS WHO LEAVE THEIR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ON UNTIL FEBRUARY Sitting on the top deck as the bus goes through Bestwood is like being in a Sinclair Spectrum flight simulator.

50. PEOPLE WHO DO NOTHING BUT MOAN ABOUT CHRISTMAS Miserable twats, aren’t they? Happy birthday Jesus!

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14-18 BROAD STREET NOTTINGHAM BOX OFFICE 0115 952 6611

SPECIAL EVENTS

WWW.BROADWAY.ORG.UK

WINTER CURRY NIGHTS ON MONDAYS Enjoy home-cooked curry, a film of your choice and a free pint of beer for just £9 on Mondays evenings from 6pm. Beginning on 4 December, buy your ticket at the box office when you choose your film and order your curry from the cafebar or Mezz. Ask at the bar for more details.

OBSERVER READER OFFER Throughout December and in collaboration with The Observer we are offering readers a dining deal in the Cafebar, Mezz and the new Mezz restaurant. Collect tokens from the Observer newspaper on Sunday 29 November and take advantage of 2 for 1 offers on both bar and restaurant offers.

We are also offering 2 for 1 ticket offers on selected screenings, visit the website for more info.

BLOWOUT AT BROADWAY EVERY FRIDAY FROM 6PM Enjoy The Ride presents… Blowout - a new night bringing the finest mix of chill beat, world, reggae, funk and soul, with live acoustic music and visuals in the downstairs Cafebar. A great way to begin winding down at the start of the weekend, Blowout is for everyone with a fine mix of music and styles and a great guest acoustic set each week.

NEW YEAR’S EVE TICKETS NOW ON SALE Becoming something of a tradition, join the Broadway party on New Year’s Eve. The most famous party night of the year, we’ll have djs, supper and a friendly atmosphere.

If you don’t want to be part of the outside madness, book your ticket now for only £7

Alice Rock might sound like a solo female artist, but it’s actually a duo with a penchant for purple and black stripes.

Songwriter Alice Rock (that’s her real name apparently) plays guitar and sings, alongside trusty percussion player Tabby.

They met up through myspace and it’s been onwards and upwards for them since, recording fresh punk-pop tunes like Wonderland and Kissing in a Camper Van. LeftLion asked them in for a set at December’s LeftLion Presents at the Orange Tree…

Where did you both start out in music?

Alice: I learnt to play the piano when I was seven. I taught myself guitar when I was thirteen and have been in bands ever since!

Tabby: I started when I was twelve after having a one-off drum lesson at school and haven’t stopped.

What’s your favourite of your own tracks?

Alice: Dot Com Women. It cracks me up every time! Laughing at my own jokes is a bit sad but I can’t help it.

Tabby: Medicinal Lemonade. It’s a feel good song, when I play it right!

What’s your favourite track of all time?

Alice: Kate Bush’s Wuthering Heights.

Tabby: Incubus’ Meglomaniac.

What are your favourite cities and venues to play?

Alice: The Malt Cross in Nottingham is my favourite so far.

Tabby: I like The Black Market because they have a really good lighting rig, but unfortunately I’ve only played there once.

Also, I like The Vic Inn in Derby because that’s where I saw The Mascara Story for the first time!

Formication are a Nottingham-based duo who create their own noise, produce it, mix it up and then turn it on its head. The guys involved are Kingsley and Alec and it’s hard to pigeonhole their sound, but there is definitely a bit of ambience and electronica involved. They’ll be serving up a night of eerie soundscapes at the first LeftLion Presents at the Orange Tree of 2007. So we put a few questions to them…

Where did you both start out in music?

Alec: Playing organ in a Baptist church in the south east of England, when I was five.

I’ve sat on the knees of Reginald Dixon and Robert Wolff. During one performance all three of us played Chariots of Fire to a packed house on a huge Wurlitzer and string synth. There were hundreds of tiny automated clockwork animals that moved about to the music, incredible to believe but true. I haven’t found a more gorgeous string synth sound since.

Kingsley: I fainted in the kitchen when I was about ten and my dad carried me into the

If you could get anyone in to play with you, who would you choose?

Alice: Paul McCartney! We don’t want a bass player but it would be interesting to hear it with him on board.

Tabby: Jack Black!

Who are the best upcoming artists we should check out?

Alice: Rachael Ramkissoon.

Tabby: Black Vinyl Heart and Mr Wolf.

What do you listen to on the stereo at home?

Alice: The Archers on Radio 4 and The Cure.

Tabby: The Spill Canvas, The Mascara Story, Juliette and the Licks, My Chemical Romance.

Describe your average day...

Alice: I don’t have one. My life is very hectic. Eastenders is the only consistent thing in my life.

Tabby: I need a job, so most of the time I’m just lazing around and getting fat.

What are your favourite hangouts in Nottingham?

Tabby: I’m too anti-social for that…

Alice: Sherwood Forest and Ye Olde Trip!

What was the last thing that made you laugh?

Alice: Filming our music video to Kissing in a Campervan. Dragging a full drum kit into the middle of the woods in Hucknall is always good for a giggle.

Tabby: Alice about 5.2 milliseconds ago.

What was the last thing that made you cry?

Alice: My niece Laila Rock being born!

Tabby: Puff Daddy’s I’ll Be Missing You.

What are your plans for the festive season?

Alice: Spending time with my family and watching Gremlins 1 and 2.

Tabby: Partying!

What’s the best Christmas present you’ve ever been bought?

Alice: A pink and white racing bike called Miss Trendy.

Tabby: My first drum kit!

So what were the highlights of 2006 for Alice Rock?

Alice: Meeting Tabby and saying goodbye to being a solo-artist!

Tabby: Finding someone who can actually sing and likes doing music as much as I do! Woo!!

What is coming up for you over the next year?

Tabby: Hopefully lots of sex!

Alice: Ahem…

What are your plans for 2007?

Alice: Do a tour and try to get signed.

Tabby: Do a tour, get a job and erm... even more sex!

music room to recover. I felt really sick for a bit but I’ve loved music ever since.

What are your favourite hangouts in Nottingham?

Alec: Kingsley’s house, Selectadisc, Squeek, Alley Café, disused buildings. I like ponds, rivers, canals and lakes too.

Kingsley: The Tap, The Pit, The Sal, Reflex, Game.

What’s your favourite of your own tracks?

Alec: Void is a long and frenetic track from our forthcoming Lumberton Trading Company release that is utterly mental - very intense, especially live. It has a horrible time signature, it veers from industrial acid to screaming ambience and it was great watching people try to dance to it last time we played it live. We made a video for it as well, which will appear on a computer near you very soon.

Kingsley: Faces of Fire is another new track where I sing like a sweet, sweet angel. Also our latest release The Untitled Wasdale Recordings is still sounding as fresh as the day we made it.

What are your plans for the festive season?

Kingsley: Being continuously drunk to numb the pain.

Alec: I’m going to be in hiding in the studio for as long as possible. I might cook my mum a nut roast, I suppose.

What’s the best Christmas present you’ve ever been bought?

Kingsley: I don’t remember any Christmas presents. I don’t mean that I’ve never had any, I just have a really bad memory.

Alec: A remote controlled submarine. No, that was a birthday present. A good one, though.

What’s coming up for you in 2007?

Alec: More tattoos. Writing music. Buying records and machinery. We’re about to release a CD called The Untitled Wasdale Recordings which we’re really proud of. It’s going to be free from our website too.

Kingsley: We’re also releasing it as a limited

What can people expect from the show at the Orange Tree?

Alice: Well it’s my birthday that night so I will be in a good mood. Expect madness and lots of stripes!

Anything else you want to say…

Alice: Thanks to everyone that has shown us support.

Tabby: Thank you for interviewing me, there’s a first time for everything.

Alice Rock play LeftLion Presents at the Orange Tree with The Deltarays on Saturday 2 December 2006. www.alice-rock.co.uk

edition of 23 in deluxe handmade wooden boxes, they cost £23. More details on our website.

What was the last thing that made you laugh?

Kingsley: Trying to teach my wife to make a dripping noise with her cheeks.

Alec: Watching him try to teach his wife to do that. It’s not easy. We went to see The Mighty Boosh in Derby which was also very funny.

What was the last thing that made you cry?

Kingsley: Trying to teach my wife to make a dripping noise with her cheeks.

Alec: When I accidentally drove over a pigeon in town and the people trying to cross the road near my car got sprayed with blood and tissue. They were covered with it and pigeon bits got all over my car. I laughed ‘til I cried at that. I always thought they would just fly out of the way, but no!

Formication, Emkah and Modulator ESP will be serving up a night of electronica for LeftLion Presents at the Orange Tree on Saturday 13 January 2006. www.theformicarium.com

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Raphael Daden Describe your style: Sculptor working with light.

Most influential artist? James Turrell, Brancusi, Olafur Eliasson.

What are you up to at the moment? I’m working on my biggest sculpture to date Light-Waves, a 25 metre by 3 metre dynamic light installation that interacts with people walking through a pedestrian underpass of the Northern Relief Road in London. My work is also being shown as part of the Drawing with Light exhibition at Shire Hall Gallery in Stafford from November to January.

What is your favourite art space in Nottingham? The urban space around us can be a great venue and Nottingham Castle Art Gallery is also a nice space.

What is your dream project? To make a light installation about one mile out to sea, with a backdrop of pure black night sky.

What is your top tip for upcoming artists? Keep at it. Believe in what you’re doing and others will believe in you. Don’t get a job!

What is your philosophy for life? Make the most of your time, we’re not here that long.

What would you demonstrate against? War and cruelty to animals.

What’s your favorite joke? How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to do it and one to say “Huh! My four-year old could’ve done that!”

What would you like for Christmas? A home with lots of green space and the sea five minutes walk away.

Anything else you want to say to LeftLion readers? Enjoy the read and find some time to have a look at my website. If the art funders are reading this, put some more money into public art in and around Notts. www.raphaeldaden.co.uk

Popx Describe your style: Popxart.

Who is your most influential artist? Jesus. Great parables.

Buddha’s pretty good too and Mohammed’s not bad either. Da vinci, Shakespeare, Dali, Banksy. All the movers and shakers.

Plus...whoever made the big bang. Interesting work!

What are you up to at the moment? I’m updating myspace/ popx and looking to produce some documentaries next year.

What is your favourite place to paint in Nottingham?

Wherever I am.

Dream project? Restoring peace and tranquillity to the hearts and minds of everyone by any means necessary.

Top tip for upcoming artists: Be yourself. Which means recognise that you are everyone including the unique being that you think you are. Express that however you like. Use power to heal not harm.

What happened to you today? I woke up.

What’s your philosophy for life? I am Life. You are me. We are infinitely many. Soul in incarnation. One Love is the answer.

What would you demonstrate against? Starvation in a world of plenty. Blood for oil for power. Mass Pollution for power (we can power this world on pollution free technology). Forced human RFID implants.

What’s your favorite joke? What’s brown and sticky? A stick! But it doesn’t really make me laugh any more, other than when I tell it and people go “Uughh, that’s crap!”

What would you like for Christmas? Christ. A spaceship would be nice too, but I don’t want to be greedy.

How about we arrest the Bush admin and change the global laws to meet the basic human needs of all? That would be great. Then we could play…

Anything else you want to say to LeftLion readers…? Yeah, Cheers dudes! www.popxart.com www.myspace.com/popx

May Cortazzi Creative Director of Regenerate Describe your design style: English Gentleman meets rock n’roll!

Directional, timeless, eco-friendly clothing for guys with a sense of style who are influenced by the music industry and want to look good whilst doing good!

Who is your most influential artist or designer? Hardy Blechman of Maharishi.

He taught me that you can bring positivity and meaning into clothing!

What are you up to at the moment? I’ve finished my prototypes for Regenerates first organic menswear collection The Journey, a travelling inspired collection that will be launched next year.

Where do you like to shop in Nottingham? Xsample in Hurts Yard, selling ethical clothing, made by local designers. I like to know about the inspirations behind the clothing I’m wearing, it brings quirky personality to clothing, they feel more special, as if they have their only little story to tell!

Dream project? Travelling the world and dressing it!

Top tip for upcoming artists: Stay focused and believe in what you do, the universe will provide!

What happened to you today? Woke up, listened to some 40s Swing, danced around my room. The best way to start the day!

What do you see yourself in the future? The aim is for Regenerate hitting the fashion industry worldwide, so we can help more people and give them a chance to lead respectable happy lives.

What would you demonstrate against? I believe in world equality between all races, sexes and religions. The world should embrace our differences and learn to live as one country in unity.

What would you like for Christmas? A ticket to Thailand please!

Anything else you want to say to Left Lion readers? Have an adventure everyday!

Simon Mitchell Describe your style: Chuck Jones meets Glynn Dillon, Philip Bond and Jamie Hewlett in a funky rock bar, they all laugh, make stupid jokes and get massively drunk.

What is your most influential artist? I guess it’s hard to state just one but it’s gonna fall on Jamie Hewlett. The first comic I ever bought had his comic strip Swifty’s Return in it. I’ve loved him ever since.

What are you up to at the moment? My work will be shown on a large scale in Australia at the Sustainable Living Festival in midFebruary. I’m also doing a music video and some CD covers. Some exclusive paintings for the Old Angel and Jagermeister in Derby.

A Christmas card (available on my website) and just developing characters and drawing until my hand hurts.

Favourite art space in Nottingham? I’ve been in quite a few over the last three years, so I can’t really just say one. However Junktion 7 has a massive place in my heart.

Dream project? To work on a massively cool project and get paid well for doing it.

Top tip for upcoming artists? Work bloody hard.

What happened to you today? Got up, had a poo, went to work, got home and now I’m writing this.

What is your favourite quote? ‘Poo, bum, willy’ Sir Simon Mitchell 25 April 1923.

What would you demonstrate against? COINTELPRO, the government secret program to undermine the popular upsurge of thinking. The name stands for Counterintelligence Program, the targets are not enemy spies, but people with a different view to the government.

What’s your favourite joke? Hey mum can I lick the bowl? No flush it like everyone else.

What would you like for Christmas? My two front teeth, and to see my family, I hardly get to see them.

Anything else you want to say to LeftLion readers? Thank you for reading and hopefully speak to you soon. www.simitchell.co.uk www.xfon.deviantart.com Win exclusive artwork by Simon on www.leftlion.co.uk/forum

www.myspace.com/maycortazzi

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OUT&ABOUT BARS/GYMS/RESTAURANTS/SHOPS

LeftLion whips out the credit card and wallows in the retail wonderland that is Nottingham.

Our correspondents this time around were Jenny Hill, Claudia Kowalski and Camillo.

Dave Mann Music

I Dress Myself

Its not often you get to write about a retail space in Nottingham that has been going for 34 years. Mansfield road has seen various businesses come and go in its time and Dave Mann Music has held strong for over three decades. They provide entry level to high end guitars, banjos, ukeleles, mandolins and a host of other acoustic instruments alongside a huge selection of strings and accessories.

Do you ever think about where your clothes come from or how much energy has been wasted in creating and selling your perfect new top? Probably not but thankfully the people at I Dress Myself do. Hannah Davis and Pete Conway have been running their independent t-shirt printing business since 2005 and it’s a stitch above Topshop.

When you chat to owner Dave you know you are talking to someone that runs their business with passion and an instinctive insight into the service he provides.

An instinct which is rooted in the fact that all the Mann family (who run the business together) are accomplished musicians. Dave plays jazz banjo, jazz accordion and guitar, while his wife Rachael plays violin in the Djanology orchestra and his son Walter is a guitarist.

Add to this an in-house technician (Colin Staples) who is one of the most sought after in the country and you start to see the key to the stores longevity. Colin has been repairing instruments for over 30 years and offers a detailed set-up service. If you’ve played your instrument for a few months and feel it could be sounding better pop back in to the shop and he’ll put his experience into adjusting it for improved performance.

Alternatively you could pop into one of the more mainstream shops to be sold your instrument by a spotty work experience kid with all the musical knowledge of an aubergine, or buy online with the obvious lack of after sales service which buying in store can provide.

The shop is a gem in the local music scene and if you’re a budding or established player it is well worth stopping by to sample their musical knowledge.

Dave Mann Music, 123-125 Mansfield Road, NG1 0115 9417955 www.davemann.co.uk

The main job of I Dress Myself is to provide t-shirts for bands, record labels, graphic designers, sports clubs and other businesses. Don’t expect to find batches of boisterous hen night tops or nickname-adorned shirts for lads holidays in Malaga here though. You can provide personal designs or they can provide the inspiration depending on your artistic needs. After you’ve picked your colours, sizes and extras like glitter or buttons, leave them to create your perfect garment and they’ll deliver to anywhere in the UK. If 200 ‘look we are all interested in the same things’ t-shirts seem too much, you could always buy some badges instead.

If you do not have an occasion worthy of a bunch of tops do not despair, there are individual t-shirts for sale too. Leftlion Extravaganza attendees will welcome the Oxjam Nottingham top designed by Helen Wood. A third of the £12 cost goes to Oxfam so you don’t even have to feel guilty about feeding your wardrobe. Plus you know it has been made ethically. I Dress Myself bank at the Co-op, recycle wherever possible and have an ethical trading policy. This includes ensuring traders have honourable working standards for all staff. The company also plan to use more organic cotton in the near future. The media obsessing over global warming and climate change may have encouraged some of us to get the bus more or put our newspaper in the recycling bin but this can also extend to what we buy in the first place. The website has yards of information on exactly how I Dress Myself make their products and a breakdown of what that means when you hand over your purse. Look out for the re-launch of the site soon.

I Dress Myself, 32-40 Carrington Street, NG1 0115 9474140 www.idressmyself.co.uk

The Social Probably one of the coolest bars in Nottingham, The Social was opened in November 1999 by the chaps at Heavenly Records who fell in love with the city on various random musical excursions and wanted to recreate their famed bar in London somewhere that wasn’t populated with tourists and ponces. Rock City took it over last year, and have kept it as proper as it’s always been.

The bar downstairs has a policy of happy hours from five until nine on weeknights, illegally attractive bar staff, the finest jukebox in the Midlands and it stays open long after other bars have knocked it on the head. What The Social is truly renowned for, however, is its innate knack for catching ridiculously successful bands just before every other tosser gets to hear them on Top Of The Pops. The Strokes, The White Stripes, Starsailor… they’ve been here, done that and been close enough to touch. There are gigs on nearly every night and the place has garnered a well-earn rep on the circuit.

As for the club nights… where to start? The evening keeps going as they have just revamped their late night entertainment with some seriously heavyweight and notorious promoters. They have taken it more messy and more underground with new starters such as Ambush (proper mashup) alongside bringing in major promotion teams. Both Spectrum and Detonate have secondary nights, as well as the likes of the Highness soundsystem - a reggae soundsystem as it should be.

Although there may have been a few too many hairdos in of late, the place is slowly being steered back to its roots and continuing its well established role of being Nottingham’s most reliable drinking holes. Turn up any night and fun is guaranteed.

The Social, 23 Pelham Street, NG1 0115 9505078 www.socialnottingham.co.uk

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All The Trimmings Fancy a Christmas dinner with your friends or workmates, but can’t be bothered to do the washing up afterwards? You’ll be glad to know that there are a range of options around Nottingham to whet your festive appetite.

Here’s four we picked out: The Orange Tree

One of the coolest pubs in town and the home to our monthly LeftLion Presents music sessions. The food in there is always pretty good anyway, but they’ve excelled themselves on their proper Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. The clientele is an interesting mix of business people and students (it is the local for Trent students after all). The staff are uber-attractive and the beers on tap are always chosen with love and affection. It’s worth booking your meal in advance for bigger groups, not least because they’ll probably sort you out with the big table at the back for you and your mates.

The Orange Tree, Shakespeare Street, NG1 0115 9473239 www.orangetree.co.uk

Deux

This lovely pub is tucked away in Sherwood Rise. Formerly a hotel, it’s been taken over by an experienced French chef and pub landlord and they’re offering up a traditional British Christmas dinner with a nod to the French ambience too. There will be vegetarian options available in their relaunched bistro and the whole restaurant side is available for private hire. If you pick the right evening you might even get to sample one of their live music nights – this is a place where lots of local musos hang out, so there’s always quality on offer.

Deux, Clumber Avenue, Sherwood Rise NG5 0115 9856 724

Golden Fleece

Fancy your roast at the pub that drum and bass built?

Ever since this place was taken over by the promoters of Detonate it’s been a firm fixture for drinkers on the Mansfield Road trail. Their Sunday dinners have already

become the stuff of legend for those looking to replenish their energy after a hard night’s clubbing. So the Christmas menu they’ve put out is bound to be affordable and quality.

If you eat it on a Wednesday and stick around for a bit you might even come across the LeftLion pub quiz. Our trivia is legendary.

Golden Fleece, 105 Mansfield Rd, NG1 0115 947 2843

Ye Olde Trip To Jerusalem

If you’re into your history then you can’t really beat going to the oldest pub in England can you? Set in a series of

caves, it’s like having an ale in the shire but with less annoying hobbits around. The food menu is the basic Hardy Hansons chain menu, which is nothing that new, but it’s decent. The ambience here is the main thing though. Sit near the mysterious model boat that hasn’t been cleaned for decades, apparently because the last people who tried all died.

Ye Olde Trip to Jerusalem, Brewhouse Yard, NG1 0115 947 3171 www.triptojerusalem.com

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The Death of Vinyl

Another Year Bites The Dust!

It’s not just decreasing sales figures and various distribution companies going bust in the last few months: Because of oil shortages we’re eventually going to run out of vinyl...

What will people do? Wait for an alternative, use stuff like final scratch or mix CD’s ? agent smith - dataset My mate tried a CDJ set-up the other day and said it couldn’t have been easier - and thus less satisfying. There’s just something right about vinyl that CDs or Mp3s can’t satisfy. pandapad If it stopped being produced tomorrow I would just be happy that the second-hand price would go down and I could get some 1210’s for a fraction of the retail price. I can think of several individuals who would be over the moon - it would mean that vinyl DJs would be exclusive again.

I Got Connected To A Freaky Phone Surely the answer is recycling? I know my Dad’s got some Shirley Bassey records that could be melted down, Adrian

Words: Alan Gilby Photos: David Bowen

(LeftLion New Years Eve 2005)

New Years day is often one of the most painful of the year. It usually involves waking up some time in the afternoon, still unsure of your surroundings, followed quickly by rushing to the nearest toilet to remove as much of the previous nights excesses as possible. Only to find inexplicable marks on your face as you catch your zombi-like reflection in the mirror.

New releases will eventually come to an end for sure. But there’s plenty of second hand/ back catalogue material already out there. We need to get back into crate diggin’. mattboyslim

Shortly afterwards the deep unmoving pain inside your head kicks in and it’s back to bed as quickly as you left it. New Years Day may as well be wiped off the calendar.

Much though I love vinyl records, of which I buy several every week and have thousands of the buggers lying around, its eventual disappearance is insignificant next to the wider issue of having no plastic.

Peej

More often than not ‘the best night of the year’ never quite matches up to expectations, usually tainted by inflated door and drink prices and the fact that all your mates ended up in different places because you couldn’t agree on where to go. What’s more when it’s all finished you end up paying half a months rent to some guy in a car that looks very little like a taxi.

Where to get local produce You can get a box of locally-grown organic veg from Roots on Mansfield Road. £6, £8 or £10.

Adrian There used to be a sort of mini market on Thursday mornings at the YMCA on Shakespeare Street. Lovely fresh vegetables, much bigger and tastier then those from supermarkets and next to nothing in cost.

Jules Theres a farmer’s market in Bridgford but it’s more about expensive cheese and bison burgers. Nice to walk around and try before you buy though!

Nuclear Winter Sis If you hurry up, you can still get some conkers off the Forest.

Lord of the Nish Get down to the Thompson twins on Haydn Road. A pair of characters, no doubt.

Mr Jones My family buy up most meat they eat from a local organic farm shop. I don’t feast on carcass myself, but they say it’s the Bronx.

Mr.Dubbs Sounds a bit shit and out in the sticks, but Wheatcroft’s Garden Centre in West Bridgford has a new food court, with loads of local farm produce.

MassiveGorillaBomb – Crikey!

Gusto in Sneinton - most of the produce in there is locally sourced. The wine is a tad expensive, but the meat and sauces in there are very good. Some excellent oils in there too.

I Got Connected To A Freaky Phone

But never mind all that, when it comes together properly New Years Eve is a night to be talked about for the rest of the year. So how can you improve your chances of having a good one?

Well, if you’re planning on heading to a venue in town to mark the entry of 2007 then LeftLion is here to help.

We’ve put together a handy list of all the parties we could find and it turns out there’s quite a lot going on...

LeftLion New Year Extravaganza Venue: The Orange Tree Price: £10 advance Times: 7pm - 2am If last years party was anything to go by it’ll be an absolute blinder. Live music will be provided by The Smears, Sidearm, Nuclear Family, Mr Jones, Bass Rooster and Friends and DJ Squigley on the decks.

There will be snacks and a free drink for everyone who gets there early. Buy tickets from www.leftlion.co.uk/ tickets. See page nine for band interviews.

Firefly New Year Style: Breaks, House, Techno Venue: Marcus Garvey Ballroom Price: £8.50 advance Times: 9pm - 6am If you want to rave it up into the small hours of 2007 then this is a likely option. Firefly have been putting on big parties for years. If you’re looking for the messiest night on offer then look no further.

DIY Venue: Pelhams Price: tbc Times: 8pm - late House music supplied by the DIY crew.

ASkills Venue: Dogma Price: £10 Times: 9pm - 3am If beats and breaks are your bag then let A Skillz, Tony Global and Freeman help you celebrate.

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New Years Ball Venue: Deux Price: tbc If you’re looking for a good local then Deux will meet your needs nicely. Expect a cracking atmosphere, live music and disco.

New Years Eve Party Venue: The Maze Price: £15 Times: 9pm - 4am Grain and Old Basford headline so you know it’s going to be a quality night.

New Years Eve Stealth Versus Rescued Venue: Stealth and Rescue Rooms Price: 8pm - 3.00am Times: Open until late With Justice of We Are Your Friends fame, I Was a Cub Scout and VinylJacks in the red room.

Sinfonia ViVA New Year’s Eve Gala Venue: Royal Centre Price: £11.50 - £25.50 Times: 7.30pm If a night of classical music sounds like your idea of heaven then you’re sorted.

New Years Eve Venue: Saltwater Price: £10 advance Times: 7pm - late With Koda Cola, Rick Donohue, Fran Green and Dave C. They’ve got a barbecue on the heated terrace with fireworks at midnight.

New Years Eve Shindig Venue: Golden Fleece Price: £10 adv Times: 8pm - late If you’re after bass then the Fleece with DJ Bailey and other guests is where you’ll want to be.

Just The Tonic New Year Blow Out Venue: The Approach Price: £27.50 Times: 7pm Just The Tonic is ‘The best comedy club in the country’ according to Johnny Vegas. Laughing you into 2007 will be Junior Simpson, Die Clatterschenkenfietermaus, Darrell Martin and at least one more comedian.

Pick one of these that sounds like your kind of thing and you should be okay, Happy New Year!

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DUFELGANG AND THESOCIAL PRESENT A CHRISTMAS & END-OF-TERM SPECIAL WITH DJ’S:

BELLE & SEBASTIAN

PLUS SPECIAL GUESTS

SECRET STEALTH PLUS DUFELGANG DJS

AT

THE SOCIAL FRIDAY 15 TH DECEMBER 10pm– 4am TICKETS £7 ADV./£8

ADVANCE TICKETS AVAILABLE FROM: Rock City box office Talbot Street, Nottingham 0115 958 8484 Selectadisc Over the counter upstairs, main store.

Market Street, Nottingham online from www.seetickets.com, www.alt-tickets.co.uk Limited tickets available on the door. For more info, call 07939 313090

dufelgang. www.myspace.com/dufelgang

listings...

Friday 01/12

music / weeklies / comedy / theatre / exhibitions Saturday 2/12

Tuesday 05/12

Electric Eel Shock Venue: Rock City Price: £7 Times: 7pm doors

Wildside Venue: Junktion 7 Times: 9pm - 2am Teenage Casket Co.

Acoustic Tuesdays Presents...

Venue: Malt Cross Cafe Bar Price: Free Times: 8:30pm

Tool Venue: Price:

Basement Boogaloo with Maurice Fulton Style: Deep House, Electronica, Venue: Maze Price: £7 adv £8 otd Times: 10pm till 3.30am

The Blood Arm Venue: The Social Price: £8 adv Times: 8pm - 11pm With support from Crash My Model Car.

Enjoy The Ride Venue: Malt Cross Cafe Bar Price: £3 / £5 (NUS) Times: 8.30pm - 1am Deep Sound Channel and Spaceships are Cool.

Castle College Presents: Venue: Junktion 7 Price: £3 Times: 8:30pm - 12pm Sound Found Image, Jimmy and the Skinflints, You are Cautioned, Silhouette Season and Mexican Avalanche.

Nottingham Arena £30

VinylJacks Venue: Junktion 7 Price: Free Times: 9pm - 2am VinylJacks plays 60s Garage.

Fat Digester Venue: Maze Price: £5 Times: 9pm Mascara Mascara Venue: Rock City Price: £3 before 11pm (NUS) Times: 10pm - 3am The Blueskins Venue: The Social Price: £5 adv Times: 8pm - 11pm With support from Indigo Moss 8.

Muse Live Venue: Muse Price: £2 Times: 9pm - 2am You Slut! and The Dead Souls.

Urban Dub Venue: Junktion 7 Price: £5 adv Times: 9pm - 2am With support from the 10 o’Clock Horses, Dready and The Mighty Steppers, and Fat Lady Singh.

The Silver Tongues Venue: Running Horse Price: £3 Times: 8.30pm - 12am Pure Filth Style: Venue: Times:

Techno, DnB, House BluePrint 10pm - late

Spectrum Style: Breaks Venue: Stealth Price: £10 Times: 10pm - 5am Room One – Spectrum vs.

Sugarbeat Meat Katie, Utah Saints, Jay Cunning and Pete Jordan.

Room Two – Good Times with…

Norman Jay, Dave Boultbee, Beane and Percussion with D’Livver.

Room Three – Camouflage Presents….

Jehst (Live), Asaviour, DJ IQ, Conspicuous The Coroner, Sir Smurf Little, Kids in Tracksuits and Windows 78.

LeftLion Presents Venue: The Orange Tree Price: Free Times: 8pm - 12am LeftLion Presents continues at the Orange Tree. Happy birthday Alice!

With the Deltarays and Alice Rock.

Wednesday 06/12

Loggerheads Are 1!

Venue: Loggerheads Times: From 8.30pm A Hansel and Gretel themed evening featuring so many great talents. Mulled wine, ginger bread and all the rest...and its FREE! Come wish one of the best pubs in Nottingham a very Happy Birthday.

Sunday 03/12 Newton Faulkner Venue: Maze Price: £7 adv Times: 7.30pm Woody Venue: Price: Times:

The Social £4 adv 8pm - 11pm

Monday 04/12 Damn You! Presents Venue: Maze Price: £6 / £7 Times: 8pm Six Organs of Admittance and Last of The Real Hardmen.

The Men They Couldn’t Hang Venue: The Rescue Rooms Price: £12.50 adv Times: 7pm - 10pm Detonate Presents...

Style: DnB Venue: The Social Price: £6 on the door Times: 11pm - 3.30am Artificial Intelligence, Kasra, Fergus and Transit Mafia.

Hosted by Ruthless and P-Fine.

Andy Whittle and Palava Venue: Hotel Deux Price: Free Times: 7pm Danielson Venue: Price: Times:

The Social £9 adv 8pm - 10:30pm

The Smugglers Inn Style: Hiphop, Dubstep Venue: Saltwater Price: Free Times: 8pm - 1am Aled, Alex Traska, Invisible Jim and Nick Shaw.

Saggy-Pants Presents Venue: Maze Price: £3 Times: 8pm Sam Ferris, Ambidextrous and K Eyed.

The Last Town Chorus Venue: The Social Price: £6 adv Times: 7pm - 10pm Enter Shikari Venue: Rock City Price: £8.25 Times: 7.30pm Enter Shikari are a mix of hardcore and trance, definitely one to see if you are into either of the above.

Thursday 07/12

Willard Grant Conspiracy (Solo) Venue: The Social Price: £10 adv Times: 8pm - 11pm Black Wire Venue: The Rescue Rooms Price: £6 adv Times: 7:30pm

Saturday 02/12 Dragonforce Venue: Rock City Price: £12.50 adv Times: 7pm doors

Versus the Night (Japan) Venue: Junktion 7 With support from Centurion and Architects.

Goldie Lookin’ Chain Venue: Rock City Price: £12.50 Times: 7:30pm Overdrive Venue: Price: Times:

Junktion 7 £2 8pm - 2am

Tuesday 05/12 The Oysterband Venue: The Rescue Rooms Price: £14 adv Gary Numan Venue: Rock City Price: £17 Times: 7.30pm doors Morrissey Venue: Price:

Nottingham Arena £32.50

Placebo Venue: Price:

Nottingham Arena £23.50

TermStyle Venue: Price: Times:

Bar None Free Entry 9pm - Late

Notekillers Venue: The Social Price: £6 adv Times: 8pm - 11pm Notekillers, Fear Of Flying, The Lovvers and Nephu Huzzband.

End Of Term(Ish) Skirmish Venue: The Social Times: 11pm - 3am Fabulous Foxes Venue: Rose of England Price: £5 (£4 highsoc) Times: 8pm - late Word Of Mouth Venue: Muse Price: £2 (less than a pint) Times: 9pm - 2am Liquid Sky Venue: Price: Times: With support and Strain.

Junktion 7 £5 8.30pm - 12am from Awaken, NG26

Thursday 07/12 Wreckless Eric Venue: The Rescue Rooms Price: £8 adv Times: 7:30pm With support from Amy Rigby.

Vile Imbeciles ex 80’s Matchbox Venue: Maze Price: £5 Times: From 8pm Vile Imbeciles, Lo-Ego, Love Ends Disaster and O’ Lovely Lie. The Highness Sound System Style: Reggae, Roots, Dub Venue: BluePrint Price: £5 Times: 10pm - late

Friday 08/12 Lobotomy Venue: BluePrint Price: £6 Times: 9pm - late Plucking Skanker, Kuss, Glen Parva, Mark C, Mossop, Dilk, Mugwump and Nicky Fishmarkett.

Damage Inc Venue: The Rig Price: £3 b4 11pm Times: 10pm - 3am Dollop (Christmas Party) Venue: The Social Price: £3 / £4 Times: 11pm - 3am MUSE Live Venue: Muse Price: £3 Times: 9pm - 2am An evening with Joe Driscoll.

Trashlight Vision Venue: Junktion 7 Price: £5 Times: 9pm - 2am Patchwork Grace, Plastic Toys, DIP and Longdrop.

Stuck In Second Venue: Running Horse Price: £3 Times: 8.30pm - 12am Giles Peterson Venue: The Market Bar Price: £5 Times: 10pm - 3.30am Kid N Play Venue: The Rescue Rooms Price: £6 Times: 9.30pm - late MU-ZIQ, Clark, Kids In Tracksuits, Too-B and Windows 78.

Redroom hosted by Ambush.

Saturday 09/12 My Milkman has AIDS Style: Pop, Hiphop, Cheese Venue: The Rescue Rooms Price: £5 (NUS) Times: 10pm - 3am In the Same Boat presents...

Venue: Maze Price: £3.50 Times: 9pm The Mothers, Rapunzel MAP and Alice Rock.

Awakenings Venue: Rose of England Price: £4 / £5 (NUS) Times: 7pm - 11pm Last Pedestrians Venue: Hotel Deux Times: 7pm Duels Venue: Price: Times:

The Social £6 adv 7pm - 10pm

Spectrum: Something Different Style: Breaks Venue: The Social Price: £5 Times: 11pm - 4am

Saturday 9/12 Amusement Parks on Fire Venue: The Rescue Rooms Price: £5 adv Times: 6pm With support from Seachange, This Et Al and Plans and Apologies.

Wholesome Fish Venue: Running Horse Price: £3 Times: 8.30pm - 12am Drowned in Sound Clubnight Venue: Junktion 7 Price: £4 / £5 / £6 Times: 8pm - 2am Computerman, The Screening, Twentysixfeet, Polar and Exit Calm.

Sunday 10/12 Paolo Nutini Venue: Rock City Price: £13.50 adv Times: 7:30pm Ska is Dead Tour Venue: Junktion 7 Price: £8 - £10 Times: 6pm - 12am The Planet Smashers, Mustard Plug, Bomb The Music Industry!

Mumrah, Freefallfelix and Damn Skippy.

Sumac Centre Fundraiser Venue: Sumac Centre Price: Allforchareedymate.

Times: 11am - 10pm With stalls showcasing local talent in arts and crafts, kids activities, mulled wine, veggy cafe and open mike night and music.

Care In The Community Christmas Special Venue: The Social Price: £4 Times: 8pm - 11pm Jack Peñate (Acoustic), Laura Marling and The Video Nasties.

University Venue: Price: Times:

Sinfonia Lakeside Arts Centre £8 (NUS) 7.30pm

Monday 11/12 Bibliotheque Discotheque [Get Hype] for Christmas Venue: Bar None Price: £2 Times: 9pm - 2am Runs Until: 21/11 Listen&Learn, Kevin Thunderstrike and their loyal electro elves and reindeer. Possibly a band (tbc).

Majik Venue: Maze Price: £3.50 Times: 8pm With free cake! Plus guests.

Tuesday 12/12 Dj Shadow Venue: Rock City Price: £18.50 Times: 7.30pm doors Fionn Regan Venue: Maze Price: £8 Times: 7.30pm Six.By Seven Venue: The Social Price: £10 adv Times: 8pm - 11pm With support from Tim Holmes (Death in Vegas).

LeftLion & Malt Cross Xmas Party Venue: Malt Cross Cafe Bar Price: Free Times: 8pm - 11pm LeftLion gets festive with an acoustic night of delights. A week earlier than usual - you’ve been warned. With Das Ragworms and Will Jeffery.

Christmas Gift Ideas from

Funky Monkey

VINYL • CD S • T-SHIRTS • COOL STUFF

New Range of T-Shirts from

The Smiths to the Arctic Monkeys

Massive range of CDs from Hed Kandi to D&B to Funk, Soul & Broken Beat.

Hip Hop / R & B mixtapes from only £1.99 PLUS: Record Bags / Slipmats / Vinyl / Gift Vouchers for the man / woman or DJ in your life

14 GOOSE GATE, NOTTINGHAM

0115 956 1181 • info@funkymonkey.co.uk • Open 10am-6pm Mon-Sat

listings...

music / weeklies / comedy / theatre /exhibitions

Wednesday 13/12

Friday 15/12

Tasty Fanzine and Dsfar Xmas Party Venue: Rose of England Price: £3.50 Times: 8pm - 12pm MJ Hibbett, Orchards and Pete Green.

Kombination Funk Style: DnB, Techno Venue: BluePrint Price: £5 Times: 10pm - late

Folkwit Records Presents Venue: Maze Price: £3 / £4 Times: 8pm Julian Gaskell and guests.

Kasabian Venue: Price:

Ralfe Band Venue: The Social Price: £6 Times: 7pm - 10pm

Satnam’s Tash Venue: Maze Price: £4.00 Times: 7.30pm doors With support from Bruce Myers and John Marriott.

The Great Escape Venue: Junktion 7 Price: tbc Times: 8:30pm - 12am Neon Heights Venue: The Social Price: £5 adv Times: 7pm - 10pm Babyshambles Venue: Rock City Price: £17 adv Times: 7pm With support from The Holloways, Noisettes and Frog DJ’s.

Blues Jam Session Venue: Running Horse Price: Free Times: 8.30pm - 12am Colin Staples on stage. Bring your guitar and play the blues.

Thursday 14/12 The Pogues Venue: Nottingham Arena Price: £27.50 (+bf) Fever (4 Deck Set) Venue: Dogma Price: Free Times: 10pm - 2am Plus Pete Jordan.

Emmaculate Thursday Venue: The Rig Price: £3 Times: 8pm A sexy blend of Video, Music and Dance to move minds and feet.

Featuring artists and musicians whose aim is to please. Powerful rhythms, solid beats, mind expanding visuals.

Supernight Venue: The Social Times: 8pm - late The New Scorpion Band Venue: Lakeside Arts Centre Price: £12 (NUS) Times: 7.30pm Blues Brother Tribute Venue: Running Horse Price: £4 Times: 8.30pm - 12am Saggy-Pants Presents Venue: Junktion 7 Price: £4 Times: 8:30pm - 12am Team Hughes, Majik, Kingsize Operator and Onion.

The Elementz Venue: Muse Present “Natural Selection” Radio Show Live with Karizma, MB, Rukus and MC Killa.

Friday 15/12 Sweet Revenge Venue: The Rig Price: £3 b4 11pm Times: 10pm - 3am Idiot Joy Venue: Maze Price: £4 Times: 9.30pm With support from Big Gay Following and DJ Rick D.

MUSE Live Venue: Price: Times: Shlomo, Foz

Nottingham Arena £21 Muse £4 9pm - 2am and special guest.

Belle and Sebastian Xmas Party Venue: The Social Price: £7 Times: 10pm - 4am With support from Secret Stealth.

The Phonics Venue: Running Horse Price: £3 Times: 8:30pm - 12am Stereophonics cover band.

Hot Renault Traffic Club Venue: Junktion 7 Price: £4 / £5 (NUS) Times: 9pm - 2am The Risks, Dirty Tux, Thomas Tantrum, Geezer Safari and Hail!Zeus

Saturday 16/12 Misst Style: Venue: Price: Times:

Dubstep, Electronica BluePrint £5 10pm - 3am

VinylJacks Style: Garage, Sixties Venue: The Rescue Rooms Times: 11.30pm - 3am Concert for India Venue: St Nik’s Church Price: £3.50 Times: 7:45pm - 9:30pm(ish) Magic Car Venue: Price: Times:

Hotel Deux Free 7pm

The Big Venue: Maze Price: £5 Times: 9pm With support from Jimmy The Squirrel, Beat My Guest and All Too Aware.

Octoberman Venue: The Social Price: £5 Times: 7pm - 10pm Highness Sound System Venue: The Social Price: £5 Times: 11pm - 4am Men Women and Children Venue: Rock City Price: £7 Times: 7:30pm Hard Rock Night Venue: Running Horse Price: £3pm Times: 8.30pm - 12am Sideshow, Tolerance and Spirytus.

Sunday 17/12 The Longest Day Venue: Rock City Price: £25 adv Times: 7pm With support from Stiff Little Fingers, The Damned and Neville Staple.

Monday 18/12 Joe Driscoll Venue: Muse Price: Free

Wednesday 20/12

The Thunder Xmas Show Venue: Rock City Price: £27.50 Times: 7:30pm Nottingham Harmonic Society Venue: Royal Centre Price: £5 - £10 Nightbreed Christmas Party Venue: Junktion 7 Price: Free / £3 Times: 8pm - 12am The Church of Nightbreed’s Xmas party! Featuring 3 gothic / industrial bands, DJ Sets, CD stall (for your last minute Xmas presents), raffles, presents and surprises!

Thursday 21/12 Freeman Venue: Price: Times:

Dogma Free 10pm - 2am

Farmyard Christmas Party In Aid of Cancer Research Venue: The Social Price: £4 Times: 8pm - late 1st Blood, The Dirty Backbeats, Left of The Dealer, Foncheros and Team Hughes.

Ambush Style: Breaks, Electronica Venue: The Social Price: Free Times: 10.30pm - 3am Kid Chameleon, Cut Freqz, Mister Benn, Casual Breakin’ and Foe. The Best Of The West End Venue: Royal Centre Price: £15.50 - £20 The Great Escape Venue: Junktion 7 Price: tbc Times: 8:30pm - 12am The 45 Rebellion, The Tom Wardle Band, The Broken Dolls and Will Jeffery.

Friday 22/12 30 years of Punk Show Venue: Marcus Garvey Ballroom Price: £20 Times: 7.30pm doors Bad Manners plus special guest.

Saggy-Pants Xmas Party Venue: Maze Price: £4 Times: 9pm Dirty Saint, The Stoatz and The Deltarays.

The Rubber Venue: Price: Times:

Room DJ’s The Social Free 10.30pm - 3am

Majik Venue: The Rescue Rooms Price: £5 Times: 8pm doors With support from Left Of The Dealer and Seretone.

Saturday 23/12 Robbo and Venue: Price: Times: UK Subs Venue: Times:

Disco Hotel Deux Free 7pm Junktion 7 9pm - 2am

Saturday 23/12

Friday 05/01

Spectrum B.E.A.T.S. Style: Breaks Venue: The Social Price: £5 Times: 11pm - 4am Missill (France) and Pete Jordan.

Pop Confessional Christmas Party Venue: The Social Price: £3 Times: 10.30pm - 3am Rev. Car-Bootleg and Paul (Just the Tonic).

Nottingham Harmonic Society Venue: Royal Centre Price: £5 - £10

Tuesday 26/12 The Almighty Venue: Rock City Price: £15 Times: 7.30 doors

Thursday 28/12 Basement Boogaloo Venue: Maze Price: tbc Times: 10pm Xmas Party with Ame (Sonar Kollektiv).

Wigflexmas Party Style: DnB, Hiphop, Dubstep Venue: Muse Price: 99p Times: 9pm - 3am Live set from Vinyl [Abort].

Friday 29/12 AOR Style: Venue: Price: Times:

Rock The Rig £3 b4 11pm 10pm - 2am

Stomper!

Venue: The Social Price: £3 Christmas and New Year Rave Up! Poppycock Venue: Moog Price: Free Times: 8pm - 12am Demo Venue: Price: Times:

BluePrint £5 9pm - 2am

Saturday 30/12 The McGanns Venue: Hotel Deux Price: Free Times: 7pm The Running Water Venue: Royal Centre Price: £15 adv £20 otd Times: 7.30pm Bocajito Venue: Moog Price: Free Times: 8pm - 12am Bob Sadler, Ron Basejam (Crazy P), Tom Bailey and Cal Gibson (Neon Heights).

Sunday 31/12 New Year’s Eve See featured listing on page 28 Thursday 04/01 The Highness Sound System Style: Reggae, Roots, Dub Venue: BluePrint Price: £5 Times: 10pm - late

Friday 05/01 Mascara Mascara Venue: Rock City Price: £3 b4 11pm (NUS) Times: 10pm - 3am

Pure Filth Style: Techno, DnB, House Venue: BluePrint Times: 10pm - late

Saturday 06/01 Wildside Clubnight Venue: Junktion 7 Price: tbc Times: 9pm - 2am Damn You! Venue: Rose of England Price: £4 / £5 Times: 8:30pm Birchville Cat Motel, Peter Wright and Gareth Hardwick.

Sunday 07/01 Killswitch Venue: Price: Times:

Engage Rock City £15 adv 7:30pm

Wednesday 10/01 Sodastream Venue: The Social Price: £6 Times: 7pm - 10pm Sodastream, Airport Girl and Monkey Swallows The Universe

Thursday 11/01 Kevin Montgomery and his band Venue: Maze Times: 7.30pm

Friday 12/01 Fame Venue: Price: Times:

Royal Centre various Evenings 8pm, Saturday 4pm Runs Until: 20/01 Spectrum Venue: Stealth Price: £7 adv Times: 10pm - 4am Hexadecimal, Freeman and more tbc Love Ends Disaster!

Venue: The Rescue Rooms Price: £4 Times: 8pm With support from Lo-Ego, Quartershade and We Show Up On Radar.

The Rubber Room DJ’s Venue: The Social Price: Free Times: 10.30pm - 3am Teenage Casket Company Venue: Maze Price: £4 Times: 8pm With support from Ten Foot Dolls.

Lobotomy Venue: BluePrint Price: £6 Times: 9pm - late

Saturday 13/01 My Milkman has AIDS Style: Pop, Hiphop, Cheese Venue: The Rescue Rooms Price: Free - £6 (NUS) Times: 10pm - 3am

listings...

Saturday 13/01 Now It’s Overhead Venue: The Social Price: £6 adv Times: 7pm - 10pm Spectrum: Something Different Style: Breaks Venue: The Social Price: £5 Times: 11pm - 4am Drowned in Sound Clubnight Venue: Junktion 7 Times: 9pm - 2am LeftLion Presents Venue: The Orange Tree Price: Free Times: 8pm - 12am A week later than usual to avoid the new year come-down, although if it’s still lingering this night of electronica will sort you out nicely. Formication, Modulator ESP and Emkah.

music / weeklies / comedy / theatre /exhibitions Sunday 21/01 Chris Knight Venue: Maze Times: 7.30pm doors

Tuesday 23/01 Acoustic Tuesdays Presents...

Venue: Malt Cross Cafe Bar Price: Free Times: 8pm - 12am

Wednesday 24/01 Nasantara Presents Venue: Lakeside Arts Centre Price: £10 (NUS) Times: 8pm Halle Venue: Price: Times:

Royal Centre £8 - £29 7.30pm

Thursday 25/01 Tuesday 16/01 LeftLion Unplugged Venue: Malt Cross Cafe Bar Price: Free Times: 8pm - 12am Our first unplugged session at the Malt Cross of 2007, come along, relax and drink. With Jezz Hall and Starscreen. More tbc.

Thursday 18/01 Supernight Venue: The Social Price: £3 Times: 8pm - late The Boy Least Likely To Venue: The Rescue Rooms Price: £8 Times: 6:30pm

Friday 19/01 Sweet Revenge Venue: The Rig Price: £3 b4 11pm Times: 10pm - 3am Underground Railroad Venue: The Social Price: £6 Times: 8pm - 11pm With support from Rose Kemp.

Stopmer!

Venue: The Social Price: £3 Times: 10.30pm - 2am DJ Martin Nesbit and some very special guests.

Lois Venue: Maze Price: £4 Times: 9pm doors Lois, The Henry Road and The Pretty Little Flowers.

Kombination Funk Style: DnB, Techno, Venue: BluePrint Price: £5 Times: 10pm - late

Saturday 20/01 The Highness Sound System Style: Roots, Reggae, Dub Venue: The Social Price: £5 Times: 11pm - 3am Amen Venue: Rock City Price: £9 Times: 7:30pm Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly. Not Your Hero, The Decemberists and Guillemots.

The Mighty Present: The Apples Venue: Maze Price: £6 adv / £7 door Times: 9pm - late Mighty Funk Collective DJs.

The Great Escape Venue: Junktion 7 Price: £3 Times: 8pm Ambush Style: Mashup Venue: The Social Price: Free Times: 10.30pm - 3am Kid Chameleon, Cut Freqz, Mister Benn and Foe. London Winds Venue: Lakeside Arts Centre Price: £12 Times: 7pm

Friday 26/01 AOR Style: Venue: Price: Times:

Rock The Rig £3 b4 11pm 10pm - 2am

Dollop - Live Venue: The Social Price: £4 Times: 11pm - 3am Saggy Pants Presents Venue: Maze Price: £4 Times: 9pm Robots Talk in Twos, Sidearm and more tbc.

Hot Renault Traffic Club Venue: Junktion 7 Demo Venue: Price: Times: Style: Venue: Price: Times: Fresh, Brian

BluePrint £5 9pm - 2am DnB, Dubstep, Hiphop Stealth £10 10pm - 4am G and more.

Saturday 27/01 Spectrum B.E.A.T.S. Style: Breaks Venue: The Social Price: £5 Times: 11pm - 4am Hundred Reasons Venue: Rock City Price: £10 adv Times: 7:30pm Chorale For The Cauldrons Of Hell Venue: Lakeside Arts Centre Price: £9 (NUS) Times: 8pm Poppycock Venue: Moog Price: Free Times: 8pm - 12am

Tuesday 30/01 Headlined Open Mic Venue: Malt Cross Cafe Bar Price: Free Times: 8:30pm The Radio Dept.

Venue: The Social Price: £7 Times: 8pm - 11pm Ray Lamontagne Venue: Royal Centre Price: £17.50 Times: 7pm Bocajito Venue: Moog Price: Free Times: 8pm - 12am Bob Sadler, Ron Basejam (Crazy P), Tom Bailey and Cal Gibson (Neon Heights).

Wednesday 31/01 Simply Ballroom Venue: Royal Centre Price: £20.50 - £22.50 Times: 8pm

Weeklies Fridays Nuts Style: Venue: Times:

Indie, House Media 10pm - 2am

Love Shack Style: Eighties, Nineties Venue: Rock City Price: £4 / £5 Times: 9.30pm - 2am

Sundays Jazz at the Bell Style: Jazz Venue: Bell Inn Price: Free Times: 12.30pm – 3am The Underground Sessions Venue: Snug Price: Free Times: 9pm - 4am Out To Lunch Style: Jazz Venue: Dogma Price: Free Times: Afternoon Moog is Sunday Style: Relaxed, Funk Venue: Moog Price: Free Times: 12pm - 12am We Love Style: Acoustic Venue: Hotel Deux Price: Free Times: 8pm It’s live and almost acoustic.

Eclectic open mic night.

Nottingham School of Samba Workshops Style: Samba Venue: Maze Price: £10 per year Times: 7pm - 9:30pm

Mondays

Wednesdays Wigflex Style: Hiphop, DnB, Dubstep Venue: Stone Price: Free Times: 9pm - late Spam Chop playing beats, breaks hiphop, techie house and all sorts else. With live breakdancers, free N64 and visuals by Synoptics.

LeftLion Pub Quiz Venue: Golden Fleece Our weekly pub quiz continues at the Fleece, come down and you could win a load of beer or a meal for your team and more importantly have a laugh.

Electric Banana Venue: The Social Price: £2 Times: 10.30pm - 3am

Thursdays Homegrown Venue: Hotel Deux Price: Free Times: 7pm The best of Nottingham’s talented singer-songwriters.

Noodle Venue: Price:

The Spot Free

Music Saves The Day Venue: Bluu Times: 9pm - late

Rock Jam Session Style: Rock Venue: Running Horse Price: Free Times: 8.30pm - 12am

Tuned Style: Venue: Price: Times:

Indie, Alternative, Pop Rock City £3.60 - £4 (NUS) 10pm - 4am

Audio Venue: Price: Times:

Snug £5 (NUS) 10pm - 4am

Motherfunker Venue: The Cookie Club Price: £1 before 11pm Times: 8.30pm - 12am

Mirrorball Venue: Snug Price: £4 (NUS) Times: 10pm – 4am

Atomic Style: Venue: Price: Times:

Eighties, Nineties The Cookie Club £4 (NUS) 10.30pm - 3am

Salt Style: Venue: Price: Times:

Dogma Presents Style: Hiphop, Breaks Venue: Dogma Price: Varies Times: 9pm - 2am Various live acts every week.

Hiphop, House, Breaks Dogma Free 7pm - 2am

Open Mic Night Venue: Golden Fleece Price: Free Times: 8.30 - 12am Come down at 8pm to secure a 15min slot. With special featured artists each week at 10.30pm.

Pop.Your_Funk Venue: Bluu Price: Free Times: 9pm - late

Saturdays Uberism Venue: Price: Times:

Media £8 before 12am £10 after 10pm - 2am

Stealth V Rescued Venue: Stealth / Rescue Rooms Price: £5 Times: 5pm - 4am Saturday Night live Venue: Hotel Deux Price: Free Times: 7pm Rise and Shine / Funk U Style: Alternative, Nineties Venue: The Cookie Club Price: £5 (NUS) Times: 10.30pm - 3am Stylus Venue: Price: Times:

Snug £6 (NUS) 10pm - 4am

Essence Style: Venue: Price:

House, RnB Mode £5

Distortion Style: Venue: Price: Times:

Rock, Alternative Rock City £5 (NUS) 9pm - 2.30am

Tuesdays Crash Style: Indie, Alternative Venue: Rock City Price: £3 (NUS) Times: 9.30pm - 2am Crash is Nottingham’s longest running indie night.

Open Mic Night Style: Acoustic Venue: Running Horse Price: Free Times: 8.30pm - 12am The Horseshoe Lounge Style: Country Venue: Hotel Deux Cowboy Fun! Americana, bluegrass and country.

Blah Blah Blah Style: Indie, Funk, Soul Venue: Muse Price: Free

Wednesdays The Big Wednesday Style: Alternative, Rock, Pop Venue: Cookie Club (The) Price: £2.50 (NUS) Times: 10.30pm - 2am Wednesdays Student Night Style: Funk, Soul Venue: Dogma Price: Free Times: 9pm - 2am

Jazz Night Venue: Variety Club Price: Free Times: 7:30pm doors Live music, vegetarian food on offer, an after show party and a really great atmosphere. Full of relaxed, friendly people all looking for a different kind of night out.

Club NME Style: Venue: Price: Times:

Indie, Rock, Alternative Stealth £2 - £4 10pm - 2am

Vice Style: Pop, House, RnB Venue: Media Times: 10pm - 2am Vice invites you to indulge your musical and clubbing fantasies.

Satisfy those saucy pleasures with a hedonistic night of untamed anthems. An eclectic mix of hot pop to funky house and rnb.

Spam Chop Style: Dubstep, Breaks, Funk Venue: Brass Monkey Price: Free Times: 7pm Scratch, breaks, beats and ‘ting.

Singer / Songwriters Night Style: Acoustic Venue: Raffles Art Cafe Price: Free Times: 8.30pm - 12am Live Thursdays Venue: Golden Fleece Price: Free Times: 8.30pm - 12am Live music every week.

listings...

Friday 01/12

weeklies / music / comedy / theatre /exhibitions Friday 22/12 Just the Tonic - Christmas Special Extreme Venue: Royal Centre Price: £17.50 Times: 7.30pm start Daniel Kitson is compere for the following acts: Ed Byrne, Noel Fielding, Rob Rouse and David O’Doherty.

Fred Eaglesmith (USA) Venue: Maze Price: £9 adv Times: 7.30pm A mix of passionate, funny and moving music, ridiculously funny comedy, honest tears and poignant observations all at once. As one reviewer said, “It takes a jaded soul to leave a Fred Eaglesmith show unaffected.”

Wednesday 06/12 LeftLion Pub Quiz Venue: Golden Fleece Our weekly pub quiz continues at the Fleece, come down and you could win a load of beer or a meal for your team.

Jongleurs Venue: Jongleurs Price: Various Times: 6:30pm With Dave Williams, Anthony King, Curtis Walker and Rex Boyd.

Runs Until: 9/12

Monday 11/12 Jongleurs Venue: Jongleurs Price: Various Times: 6:30pm With Brendan Riley, Matthew Hardy, Brian Higgins and Jeff Innocent.

Runs Until: 15/12

Wednesday 13/12 LeftLion Pub Quiz Venue: Golden Fleece Our weekly pub quiz continues at the Fleece, come down and you could win a load of beer or a meal for your team.

Thursday 14/12 Fun House Comedy Club Venue: Grosvenor Christmas Special featuring bubbly Irish livewire Janice Phayre, Manchester satirist Matt Seber, Rodney Marques and comic creation Ivan Brackenbury, a Hospital Radio DJ.

Tuesday 19/12 Comedy’s X-Factor Venue: Maze Price: £3 / £4 (NUS) Times: 8pm 12 acts battle it out with selected audience judges who use red and green cards to vote the comedians off. Lots of fun and laughter.

Jongleurs Venue: Jongleurs Price: Various Times: 6:30pm With Raymond Mearns, Simon Bligh, Sinck and JoJo Smith.

Runs Until: 23/12

Just the Tonic has been lauded as the best comedy club outside of London. It has a tradition of finding new talent and booking quality established talent. Johnny Vegas claims it’s the ‘best club in the country’.

Wednesday 27/12 LeftLion Pub Quiz Venue: Golden Fleece Our weekly pub quiz continues at the Fleece, come down and you could win a load of beer or a meal for your team.

Ken Dodd Happiness Show Venue: Royal Centre Price: £15 - £18 Times: 7pm A chance to be entertained by the madcap funnyman. An evening of tattifilarious fun is always guaranteed when Ken Dodd’s in town!

Sunday 31/12 Jongleurs Venue: Jongleurs Price: £50 Times: 6:30pm With JoJo Smith, Anthony King, Johnny Candon and Colin Cole.

Tuesday 16/01 Funhouse Comedy Club Venue: Maze Price: £4 Times: 8pm

Tuesday 30/01 Fun house Comedy club Venue: Maze Price: £4 Times: 8pm doors

Theatre Friday 01/12 Cinderella Venue: Playhouse Price: £7 - £17 Times: Various Doomed to drudgery by her vicious stepsisters, Cinderella can only dream of escape and romance.

Playhouse favourites Jeffrey Longmore and John Elkington are ugly sister act Bella and Donna, in Kenneth Alan Taylor’s 23rd Playhouse pantomime. Prepare for upbeat songs, high energy dancing, outrageous costumes and glitter aplenty.

Runs Until: 20/01

Monday 04/12

Friday 08/12 Aladdin Venue: Royal Centre Price: £11 - £19 The East Midlands’ biggest pantomime, offering family entertainment from a star-studded cast. They have Claire Sweeney as Aladdin, Christopher Biggins as Widow Twankey, Basil Brush as the Chief of Police and Mark Moraghan as Abanazar.

Runs Until: 21/01

Saturday 9/12 Robin Hood: Babes In The Wood Venue: Notts Arts Theatre Price: £8.50 - £10 Times: Various A pantomime for all the family to jeer the bad and cheer the good as Robin and his Merry Men battle to save the Babes from the evil Sheriff of Nottingham, with songs, smiles, quips and capers.

Runs Until: 07/12

Sunday 10/12 Whenever Venue: Lace Market Theatre Price: £6 - £8.50 (NUS) Times: Various

By Alan Ayckbourn - a comedy time travel alternative to pantomime.

Runs Until: 16/12

Wednesday 13/12 The Sound Collector Venue: Playhouse Price: £4.50 / £5.50 Combines Roger McGough’s delightful poetry with a gentle, funny story of friendship and tolerance.

Runs Until: 23/12

Friday 15/12 War of the Worlds Venue: Nottingham Arena Price: £39.50 You’ve seen the movie, heard the music and listened to the radio show now you can see The War Of The Worlds live at Nottingham Arena. The musical version of H G Well’s famous novel of alien invasion.

Tuesday 19/12 CBeebies Live Venue: Nottingham Arena Price: £12.50 - £20 (+bf) Times: 1:45pm and 4:45pm

Monday 22/01 The Circus Of Horrors Venue: Royal Centre Price: £14 - £22 Times: 7:30pm The Circus of Horrors is back with a brand new show that will have you sitting on the edge of your seat.

The new show ‘The Evilution’ threatens to stimulate all the senses, with new acts and new shocks. The show still contains crowd favourites but they are all intermingled with fakirs and death defying circus acts.

Tuesday 23/01

Wednesday 20/12 LeftLion Pub Quiz Venue: Golden Fleece Our weekly pub quiz continues at the Fleece, come down and you could win a load of beer or a meal for your team.

Chicago Venue: Royal Centre A look back at vaudeville, a timely satire on fame, celebrity trials, corruption, cheque book journalism and the American legal system.

Runs Until: 16/12

Kiss Me Kate Venue: Notts Arts Theatre Price: £6 - £10 Times: Various A musical performance of Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew.

Runs Until: 27/01

Tuesday 23/01 To Kill A Mockingbird Venue: Royal Centre Price: £10 - £21.50 This most beloved and widely read Pulitzer Prize winner tells the extraordinary and unforgettable story of life in the American Deep South through the inquiring eyes of a child.

Brother and sisters growing up during the 1930s depression have their idyllic childhood innocence shattered by the realisation that bigotry and prejudice rule in their small redneck town of Maycomb, Alabama. When their father Atticus, a liberal and principled lawyer, defends a young black man falsely accused of raping a white woman, the whole family become the target of gossip and abuse.

Runs Until: 27/01

Friday 01/12 The Postcard Show 2006 Venue: Surface Gallery Price: Free Times: Tue-Sat: 11am - 5pm Anyone Can Make Art! Artists of all backgrounds and standing have been invited to submit entries under the single condition that all works must fit within the prescribed dimensions of a 6”X 4” postcard. Other than that, anything goes, and all work submitted is exhibited. This results in a show notable for its eclecticism and diversity, offering an insight into the creative world of Nottingham and beyond.

Runs Until: 23/11

Saturday 09/12

Friday 26/01 Big Time American Wrestling Venue: Royal Centre Price: £8 - £10 Times: 7.30pm Tracey Beaker Venue: Playhouse Price: £14 / £12 You’ve read The Story of Tracy Beaker by Children’s Laureate Jacqueline Wilson, now see the show from playwright and BAFTA nominated BBC TV series writer Mary Morris.

Runs Until: 27/01

Sunday 28/01 Halfway to Paradise Venue: Royal Centre Price: £14.50 - £16.50 Times: 7.30pm

Monday 29/01 Rocky Horror Show Venue: Royal Centre Price: £10 - £29 adv Runs Until: 03/02

Tuesday 30/01 Protein Dance Venue: Lakeside Price: £12 (NUS) Times: 8pm With Big Sale, from Luca Silvestrini. It promises to be an often hilarious, occasionally horrifying, satire on celebrity and consumer culture. A sly mix of high-energy performance, dialogue, pop music, props and live video.

Exhibitions Friday 01/12

From Parchment to Pixels Venue: Lakeside Arts Centre Price: Free The lives of individuals, including stories of bigamy and impersonation, are traced through archival records. Rare books, maps and photographs describe places at home and abroad. Evidence of early local advertising is illustrated in ephemeral papers.

Runs Until: 09/03 Emerged Emerging Venue: Sandfield Centre Price: £5 Times: 7.30p, A showcase of black and asian artists work.

Nottingham Vegan Festival Venue: YMCA Fitness Centre Price: Free Times: 11am - 5pm The East Midlands Vegan Festival is fast becoming a regular event, promoting a healthy diet that doesn’t compromise on taste.

Whether you’re a committed vegan or vegetarian or simply interested in finding new ways to make your healthy lifestyle more fun, come and see what’s on offer. It’s an informal affair with a wide range of stalls, activities and information.

Saturday 06/01 Chinese Paintings Venue: Lakeside Arts Centre Price: Free To celebrate Chinese New Year Sun Lin, Professor of Traditional Chinese Paintings at the University of Sichuan and contemporaries from the Sichuan province exhibit their work.

Runs Until: 18/02

Saturday 13/01 Gordon Cheung Venue: Lakeside Arts Centre Price: Free Epic in scale and content, Gordon Cheung’s landscapes recall the apocalyptic visions of John Martin and the timeless floating world of traditional Chinese brush and ink landscapes brought bang up to date with psychedelic spray paint colours, graffiti and collaged Financial Times listings. He paints a flickering world of information overload, where virtual reality merges with the urban landscape.

Runs Until: 25/02

To get listed on these pages, add your event to leftlion.co.uk. By doing so we’ll include you in the magazine, it’s completely free and simple to do. Use this form:

leftlion.co.uk/add Please note. We try to ensure that all events are correct at time of print, but please check before you set off to avoid disappointment.

This issue’s Nottsword is themed around stuff related to Christmas. The prize is the LeftLion Editors least favourite Christmas present and a load of those little toys that you get free in crackers. Congratulations to Osanna Williams from West Bridgford, who dared to enter last time around. She wins some CDs and a mystery prize purchased from LIDL.

CURRENT CLUES ACROSS: 2.

4.

5.

10.

13.

15.

16.

17.

19.

Tchaikovsky’s ball buster (10) Found by Reggie Dwight “in the wind” (6) Labour vendor (8) A squirrel’s lunch roasted on an open fire (9) Aled Jones’ mate (7) Mansfield Town mascot’s winter cousin (8) What kids get for Christmas (4) A piece of cloud dandruff (9) Often hugged by hippies (4)

CURRENT CLUES DOWN: 1.

3.

6.

7.

8.

9.

11.

12.

13.

14.

17.

18.

The path to inebriation (8) Commemorate good times c’mon! (9) Born in a stable (5) LeftLion’s monthly shindig at the Orange Tree (8) Have a kiss under Viscum Album (9) Tapering mass of ice formed by the freezing of dripping water (6) 15 across with a red illumination (7) Trigger Happy Dom’s surname (5) Westwood would pimp this for Mr. Claus (6) Robin Hood’s men after a few beers (5) Often found lodged in chimneys (5) Orlando’s middle earth crew (5)

The LeftLion Pub Quiz has returned to it’s rightful home at the Golden Fleece on Wednesday nights. Blessed be to all of those who take part in this most fiendish and devilish of intellectual contests. Those brave souls compete to win a gallon of beer or a meal for them and their friends in this gladiatorial battle of the minds and beer bellies. Sample some of the weekly delights below...

TV CATCHPHRASES Which programmes have these theme tune lyrics been taken from?

6. “Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery kitchenware and food, going up.”

7. “He’s terrific, He’s magnific, he’s the greatest secret agent in the world.”

8. “Once upon a time there were three little girls who went to the Police Academy.”

9. “Fighting the system like two modern-day Robin Hoods.”

10. “Gotta move like a streetwise fighter, gotta face the fire of the tiger, gotta give your all to win. Ready or not, let the challenge begin”.

NOTTINGHAMIA 11. Which local football club did Harold Shipman support?

12. Which estate in Nottingham will be undergoing a £46m rebuilding project over the next five years?

13. Which former manager recently sued Nottingham Forest

for £50,000?

14. Which political party will be holding their 2007 spring conference in Nottingham?

15. Which pub was voted ‘worst in Nottingham’ by LeftLion forum members?

BONUS: What theme pub was voted second worst?

FOOD AND DRINK 16. Which UK politician is believed to have invented Mr Whippy ice cream?

17. If you were in New York and you ordered a Hero, what would you be eating?

18. Which brand of drink (the third most popular in the world) was invented in Nazi Germany?

19. The seeds of which fruit contain a cyanide compound?

20. Which dish was invented in Birmingham in the 1980s, and is named after the Hindu word for ‘bucket’?

SPORT 21. How many Premiership teams did Notts County knock out of this season’s League Cup? 22. Which sport requires players to wear letters instead of numbers?

23. Which local club was the first in the world to spell out its name on the seats of its stand?

24. Bo Hamburger, Djamolidine Abdoujaparov, Alexandre Vinokourov and Jaan Kirsipuu are big names in which sport?

25. Name two cities outside of Europe which have hosted the Summer Olympics.

THE MAVERICK ROUND: JAMES BOND 26. Robbie Williams ripped off the theme tune to which Bond film with the single Millennium?

27. Which Bond once appeared on Spitting Image as a block of wood with moving eyebrows?

28. Which eighties to early nineties gameshow host played James Bond on South African radio?

29. Which Bond had a bit part as an IRA terrorist in the final scene of The Long Good Friday?

30. How many official movie Bonds have there been?

BONUS: Name them all in order.

ANSWERS: ANIMAL MAGIC: 1. An elephant and a donkey; 2. Napoleon; 3. Switzerland; 4. Badgers; 5. Cats. TV CATCHPHRASES: 6.

Are you being served?; 7. Dangermouse; 8. Charlie’s Angels; 9. The Dukes of Hazzard; 10. Gladiators. NOTTINGHAMIA: 11. Notts County; 12. St Ann’s; 13. David Platt; 14.

Conservatives; 15. Yates; bonus: Re-flex. FOOD & DRINK: 16. Margaret Thatcher; 17. A sandwich; 18. Fanta; 19.

Apples; 20. Balti. SPORT: 21. One (Middlesbrough); 22.

Netball; 23. Nottingham Forest; 24. Cycling; 25. St Louis, Los Angeles, Tokyo, Mexico City, Montreal, Seoul, Atlanta, or Sydney. MAVERICK ROUND: 26. You Only Live Twice; 27.

Roger Moore; 28. Bob Holness; 29. Pierce Brosnan; 30. Six; bonus: Connery, Lazenby, Moore, Dalton, Brosnan, Craig

ANIMAL MAGIC 1. The main political parties in the USA are represented by which two animals?

2. What was the name of the pig in George Orwell’s Animal Farm who was based on Josef Stalin?

3. What country made the TV show Pingu?

4. Who are the largest indigenous carnivores in the UK? 5. ‘A clowder’ is the description for a group of which animals?

www.leftlion.co.uk/issue14

35

Bagels

words: The Shedfixman illustration: Alasdair Couch

Bagels. Bagels, eh? Right. Anybody wanna tell me what bagels is all about? Huh? Last week I saw Annabel Croft in a South London Waitrose and she was daintily holding a bag of bagels between her thumb and middle finger and delicately dropping it onto the pile of healthy options in her cart. Once again, all the bagel questions I always wanted to ask came bubbling to the surface, beginning with ’What’s actually the point of a buying an oily, gooey, un-sliceable chunk of internally stale cack, with twenty per cent missing from the centre?’

If you went down the local bakery and asked for half a dozen cobs and the baker then slapped them onto the counter and then pulled out a piece of scaffold piping, chonked all the middles out and charged you the same price, his missus would have him sectioned… after you’d both chinned the nutter first, of course!

So, you’ve got the things home and you’ve managed to slice one in half without too much of it all over the worktop; how do you butter it? Spin and swipe at the same time? Or do you put it on a circular table and walk around it? Twice for the other half? Or one swoop and hope for the best, so that the bit that you don’t see falling into the hole doesn’t get all over yer fingers when it warms up later?

The next dilemma is filling. Let’s say you want a slice of nice ham or beef. What do you do? One normal slice which fills in the hole when you put it back together, in which case, what’s the point of the hole in the first place?

36

www.leftlion.co.uk/issue14

When you eat the middle bit of meat, which has no resistance from the compacted bread, it pulls a big buttery shred out, which slops down onto yer chin and makes you look a slob twat in company. Or do you make a prat of yerself chopping and shaping the meat to fit around in a circle?

What about when I fancy a bit of cheese and onion? ‘Hello, Mr Greengrocer! An onion the size of a medium volleyball please, so I can sit and peel layers upon layers away until it’s the same circumference as me bagel, then chop it in half and hope I poke the right size out the middle, so I don’t have to come back for another! Cheese? See above! Fried egg? Don’t even think about it, unless it’s for a prank. Salad? Go and do a jigsaw instead. Toast it? Doesn’t retain moisture, so it’s like eating polystyrene.

So what can you do with the useless fucking things?

Simple… just upgrade to pretzels instead, accompanied by a crate of Erdinger Weissbier. Solid crust, which keeps the inside soft enough to soak up the litres and it’s got crafty little granules of salt on the glaze, in case yer sodium levels drop on the way back to the Weissbier shop. Okay, technically more holes, but you don’t have to fart about with fillings, these are scoff as seen. I recommend one large pretzel per three litres of beer. For all you hoodlums who’ve yet to sample the esoteric delights of this brand of beer, get yersens along to the ‘Fade/Hard to find Café’ halfway up Mansfield Rd. It’s the only place for a hundred and thirty miles which has it on tap and make sure you get a slice of lemon or orange in the top. Sorry… did I somehow manage to drag the conversation round to beer again?

I am a circle

by Girlie I am a circle I am not square Do not tell me to change the colour of my hair to fit in better with you and your share of supposed friends You all look alike Act the same Wear the same clothes and same old lame words that hurt me and make me feel shame of living as me Do not mould me Embrace who I am Like you I feel hurt and like the Lamb I will not hate you or berate the same old sham of who you are I am a circle It’s you that is square Do not try to change me, I cannot and will not bear the same as you do in your lair of wickedness Don’t try to change me Are you happy? No. Then let me be

If I was a manatee

by Jack Twatt If I was a manatee, I wouldn’t be for long, as manatees are silly beasts that live in shallow ponds.

If I was a manatee, no doubt I would be dead, as fishing boats run over me and bonk me on the head.

If I was a manatee my life would be so dull, but only for a short time due to propellers to the skull.

Fake Endings

by Harry Wilding ...and as the vicar pulled the bloodstained knife out Winnie the Pooh’s chest, he gently said to Snow White, with a shrug of his shoulders: “That’s the way the cookie crumbles.” THE END ...and so, human beings became extinct and platypus-kind took control of the Earth. THE END The penguin, Dave the dog and little Dennis never spoke of that night in the brothel again. THE END So the US of A saved the world, single handedly, again; god bless them. THE END Tony and George lived happily ever after. THE END James and Kim were suddenly startled by the nun, who quietly appeared from the shadows, at the top of the bell tower; “I heard voices,” she said, flatly, which made Kim scream and stumble back, falling over the edge of the tower to her death.

“What was that all about?” James asked, a frown on his face. THE END George gave a cheesy smile and said to the children; “So, kids; the moral of the story is, if you can’t beat them... cheat.” THE END

or should I move away from her booty?

My eyes are transfixed as she dances those hips, sweat drips from my grip, my pint nearly slips.

Anticipation so great my heartbeat’s racing, The girl I’m facing’s amazing.

I hasten to add, with her by my side I’d be glad to retire from the chasing.

So why am I waiting?

It’s easy, it seems, to keep a dream you never try and achieve.

If you choose to go through with it, face the truth, you risk losing it.

This might be amusing to you, but I’m losing it.

The swagger and flair I normally move with has vanished into the air, I’m staggering useless.

In my mind mumbling lines, topical nonsense about the state of the times.

Should I stroll up to her side, offer some tropical juice or a wine?

Can’t find my stride, can’t catch her eye, Eh, what’s that? Who’s this guy, rolled up at her side?

He must be her brother or gay mate.

He can’t be her playmate.

The drink he passes, it must be a date rape.

She thanks him with a kiss, and with his hand on her hip, I watch the light of my life slowly eclipse.

I turn away, oh shit.

Still, she had kind of wonky lips.

Skin Cancer

by Toking Jon Breathe, between your drink and feed…

And sleep, before you wake, to walk…

Unquestionable activities, beyond what we were taught.

Blink, before you think to speak…

Then defecate and urinate, perspire and bleed…

Looped picture books, teach us, to read…

Compulsory, obligatory, pre-programmed mammal deeds…

Dress to cover innocence…

Regress, to ask the told questions…

And stress - to grab your yoke pensions…

Hard to find the wisdom, in a single one of these…

So rub, and learn to rub it better…

Run and turn, and friction master…

Break and mend, and cry, with laughter…

Such appear the symptoms, of our soon forgot disease…

Compiled, like keys of telephones…

The same numbers, encased in bones…

And viewed, through ancient dialing codes…

To dot the air, and slash out roads…

Tunnel the ground, quarry the ores…

This all; to make our monstrous miracle…

These spreading layers, of melanoma homes…

To Stab the Blubbery Mass

by Pandapad I’d do it with a compass, or, I’d do it with a pitchfork.

Stab the blubbery mass. watch its hideous self pretence ooze out like so many drops of blood and squirmy gunk.

Her Movements

by Mr Jones

I’d level it with a short, hard slab of concrete. Dropped from above like a vengeful Flash Gordon, Intent on destroying this squid like affair.

Her movements as tunes play move me in crude ways.

Is it rude to make moves on this beauty

Crush the matter, Stab the matter My sole intent, your soul to batter I’d do it with a pitchfork,

I’d do it with a hammer.

To Stab This Blubbery Mass is my one true intent.

To land the killer blow would be an easy enough affair.

To penetrate with grinding certainty, the thinner the steel the better.

It’s necessary to watch you squirm, you see.

The last agonising death throes, no concern to me.

To Stab The Blubbery Mass, is no concern to me.

Shame on us!

by Emcee Killa The land slides like a bottleneck, for all the years man tried, Plans lie in a cobbled mess, A lot of stress from a settlers creatorship, exploit the natives, In turn create dictatorship, On how you should live, the values held by a book of law, Crooked to think that every woman stays inferior, Now erect a dominant breed, stripped equality, Stay ever watching the seams of this economy, So follow me, open your eyes into a rappers ideologies, Proper speech hidden by authority, Nothing can stop us, please study the autonomy that you possess, Thoroughly, your eyes see different to another peeps, We’re not a force of a nature, and where was God when Bush started forcing labour, And where was God when brown gave my uncles favours, And where is God now the jews are blowing up our neighbours…

It’s why I team up with Javelin and TQ, To watch our society and management we see through, Damaging on each crew, the water of a oily world, Separated lives of the clued up boys and girls, You have to learn to destroy the pearls, Take out material instincts, get it lifted, So we can stand every person that we sit with, And stop banging on for your faith in your district, Its sometimes sad we reside in our place of birth, Stay ignorant to the life of our sacred earth, Amazing words being spoken, the greatest curse lifted, Its open to make it heard, Fixed with closest remaining verbs, explaining We gotta make it work, Now faith turns to fate, cos we’re hating the fact that safety is shaken.

An ode to Gary Megson

by Beast of the Bay You were wiggidy wack - don’t come back, You managed like you were hooked on smack, I’m proud my club gave you the sack, Now it’s time you gave the Derby job a crack.

An ode to Gary Megson

by MegamanX Never trusted you, you ginge, You turned my team into a minge.

For one and all to come and shaft us, I’d have liked to hang you from the rafters.

Now we’ve dumped you things are great, We’ve had results to celebrate.

But you’ve not turned up in a job.

Does the whole world think that you’re a knob?

If you’d like to see your work published on this page then visit the creative writing forum at www.leftlion.co.uk/forum and post your work up there for all to see. Each issue we select the best of the submissions to be published in the magazine.

www.leftlion.co.uk/issue14

37

Aries (March 21 - April 20)

Libra (September 24 - October 23)

Spray a bit of perfume on a light bulb and scent the room every time the light is turned on. Spray a bit too much perfume on a light bulb, accidentally set your pad on fire and get put in prison for arson. It’s true that a woman’s work is never done, but this is especially relevant if she is wearing pointy arrows on her clothing.

It’s been a weird changing time recently, but you seem to have made decisions with your heart and that’s all you can ask for in this life. Things that seem personal to you at the moment might fade in the coming months, but you are probably already expecting that.

You and a friend will always have Jim Beam though. Que será, será.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21)

Scorpio (October 24 - November 22)

Santa Claws is coming to town and he’s been telling everyone about how he’s going to cut you up. Whatever it was that you got up to with the elves down in Lapland last summer has got him really pissed off! If you catch him coming down your chimney this year flee your neighbourhood and never return.

You sleep like a kitten with a pleasing purr. Indeed, ever since you kissed the toad you can consider yourself a fully-fledged princess. The new year will feature your best work yet and provide a good time to complete your opus. Someone with the same initials as the duke from the westerns really digs you!

Gemini (May 22 - June 22)

Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22)

‘Laws of man, are just pretend. They ain’t mine. Love so good, love so bad. It won’t die. Some talk too long, they know it all. I just smile and move on. Words ain’t free, like you and me. I don’t mind. Why’d you have to be so mean and cruel? The dogs are loose, I’m on to you.’

In this season of goodwill make sure you don’t forget the real meaning of Christmas.

Amongst a sea of goodwill, families getting together, time with your friends and sci-fi style religious beliefs, there is an overwhelming sense of commercialism. Even Santa changed the way he dressed to keep his soft drinks endorsements.

Cancer (June 23 - July 23) Critics say most conspiracy theories are false and lack enough verifiable evidence to be taken seriously. They raise the question of what mechanisms might exist in popular culture that lead to their invention and subsequent uptake. But all the ones you’ve been told recently are true! The Pussycat Dolls said so…

Leo (July 24 - August 23) Okay, so I did something stupid the other week. It just wasn’t kosher to be seen jumping up and down with that inflatable doll in front of your entire family and I regret it. Especially as it was dressed entirely in your clothes. Just remember, however that I never apologise.

I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am. I hope you don’t feel like I’ve let you down.

Virgo (August 24 - September 23) Anāpānasati (Pali), meaning mindfulness of breathing, is a basic form of meditation taught by the Buddha. According to this teaching as presented in the Anāpānasati Sutta, practicing this form of meditation as a part of the Noble Eightfold Path leads to the removal of all defilements and finally to the attainment of nibbāna (nirvana). That’s where Kurt went wrong.

Capricorn (December 23 - January 19) Some people talk about you behind your back. They say that the lights are on, but there’s nobody home. If this is true then have you completely forgotten about the Kyoto agreement? Does the hard work of governments forming global legislation mean nothing to you? Then again maybe I judge too quickly. It could all just be hot air.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 19) As Mr Aesop once told us you can’t mess with nature. A scorpion asks a frog to carry him across a river. The frog is afraid to be stung, but the scorpion reassures him that they would both die if that happened. The frog then agrees, but in mid-river he gets stung nevertheless and both die. What does this teach us? Never trust an Arachnid with pincers...

Pisces (February 20 - March 20) Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You claimed you were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me a warped, frustrated, old man! Who are you but a warped, frustrated young man, crawling in here on your hands and knees begging for help? No securities, no stocks, no bonds. Nothin’ but a miserable little $500 equity in a life insurance policy. You’re worth more dead than alive!

local pantom head-to ime -head

ALADDIN

Occupation: Trickster Nemeses: Evil sorcerer et Transpor t: Magic carp Has-beens in cast: 0 t: 160 “It’s behind you” coun

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www.leftlion.co.uk/issue14

CINDERELLA

Occupation: Scrubber Nemeses: Ugly sisters Transpor t: Pumpkin Has-beens in cast: 3 “It’s behind you” coun

t: 135

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