Overheard in Notts

“Don't you come that with me, I swear down I know more about carpets than you'll know about owt”

“Look at all these idiots queueing up, haven't they got anything better to do?”- Man in queue

“I am a normal person; I've not come out of fucking space, have I?”

“I really wanna go to Glastonbury but I don't wanna go and sit in a shitty tent with all them crusties”

“Your armpit smells lovely”

“Linda McCartney's done well, hasn't she?”

“What with all the weather and queueing this is just like being in America” “You been?” “Nah, but I reckon it's just like this”

“I once did it on Tia Maria and I said I'd knee cap anyone for a fiver”

“HEY! JANE! Has Alfie got fleas?!” “Yeah! He got ‘em from me!”

“They won’t move you. They can’t. Everyone just moves around you because you’re basically the sun”

“Last time I saw you your dick was out!”

“Look at you... You’ve got grey hair, you’re nearly dead”

“What’s for breakfast?” “CRISPS!” “

Stop spitting!” “It's my own spit, it's fine”

“I’m not seein’ her no more. Them tits were longer than a night in prison”

“Had my own helicopter before I got married. They take it all”

“I’ve got such a clear memory of Richard Madeley dying a few years back. It was a car crash or something. Weird how the mind plays tricks on you”

“RICK JAMES, BITCH!” - Screamed from a moving car “

My mum calls me Whora the Explorer”

“I am your pretty daughter, HE is your ugly son” “It was all different back in 2014”

“Anyway, it was lovely talking to you. I'm Victoria by the way. What's your name?” “Aran” “Oh cool, cool. I say my name is Victoria, but I go by Saffron. I'm very Indian in spirit” “Ok” “YOU know what I mean though, don't you?” “I don't know. I'm from Pakistan” “Yeah I've never been to India but always wanted to. That country is deep in here” *taps on her chest*