# Overheard in Notts
The Book
For the last few years we've been earwigging on your lot's conversations because we are nosey and you are hilarious.
This book contains the best of LeftLion Magazine’s Overheard in Notts, originally printed between Issue 94 (October 2017) and Issue 108 (December 2018).
“Victoria Centre flats? Where are they?”
Woman 1: I done the tram near the station – Woman 2:That'sdisgusting!haveYoudon’tknowwherethey been!
“Iliveinthethehighestcar fire street in the nation, never mindinNottingham.”
Person 1: It’s a shame we eat octopuses. They’re really intelligent.
Person 2: Well... they can’t drive cars, can they?
“If it’s more than the North London mum’s Range Rovers, I don’t care.”
I’m stood in that square…big with that big building..
“Tellyouwhat,Iknowsome twarts.But,f**kme,Iknow somepropertwartsinNotts.”
“I had a tarka vindaloo last night. It’s like a chicken vindaloo, but ‘otter.”
“It’slikeBenjamin Button, but in reverse.”
My alwayshusband likes it round the back and he really goes for it. He always sleeps well after that.
Dad:IwasgonnatakeyouheardtoBirminghambutthenI yougotarrested.Daughter:Theyjusttold meoff!
Ohmy god.Willy Wonka’s dead innit.
“There’s always summat that goesinsummat,intthey?”
I get well paranoid smoking cheese. Can’t even go shop for a Mars bar.
“Well,youknowthemWaitrose thatfishonthatadvertcaughton fishrod?Well,you’renevertellingmethey’vecaughtall them Waitrose fish on that rod.”
Did you hear about that woman who died the other day? She lived until she was 117. She said her secret was eating three eggs a day, two cooked and one raw. I’d rather die.
My daughter’s 37. She’s quite beefy.
“So I told my best friend that I fancied him, yeah, then she started giving him 50p every single day, and said she fancied him too.”
“I’mverywaryof tomatoes, I am.”
“We’re keeping that crazy alphabetical-order vibe going on.”
But Dave, the apocalypse needed to be discussed, that’s all am sayin’.
“Heypal,sorryaboutthe otherday.Iwasdrunk.”
Man: Hello again, we should get married. Woman: Are you loaded? Man: No, but I’m a nice person.
Woman: I’m
only interested in loaded.
“Would you rather eat heroin or inject a bacon sandwich?”
“I had Fawaz on the back of my shirt.”
“Shut up, Ian! Stop being so stupid and have your f***ing vinegar.”
Whichoneofyouwas touchinghershoulder?” Indigo child? Yeah she’s an indigo child. She was conceived on the night bus
“Wait,so...Idon’tgetit.
Person 1: Whathappened to you, mate?
Person 2: I broke my ankle playing pool.
“I'mgoodat verbalanyway.”
Man 1: Good mornin’, blud.
Man 2: Nah, ain’t got time for that.
Man 1: You what?!
Man 2: F*** that fam, ain’t got time for no good mornings.
Man 1: Look at this beautiful weather. You spoiled my morning, blud.
Man 2: Nah allow that, I’m busy.
Man 1: Come here now so I can buss ya head.
(Man 2 runs off)
rememberAh,yeah.Ithat one. Thatwasafrigging goodkebab.
“Beg you let me wax your brother’s bumhole.”
“Yeah,he’llbeallright.Oneday, anyway.Imean,he’sinagonynow. Youhavejustbrokenhisback.”
“You don’t spend that much time in pahnd shops.”
I love the bantz. Unless it’s aimed at me, of course.
Itdefinitelysmellsofham,butitmight bemyfinger.
“I don’t count it, mate, I’m not bothered as long as it makes a jingle.” – Bus driver I understand moving from NG4 to NG1, or from NG6 to NG5, but if you’re moving from NG3 to NG3 then that’s rubbish.
“In this country, I’m a fat bastard. I need to move to a country where I’d be a sex god.”
me“Comeon.You’remaking you.standhere.Watching Havingapoo.And nothing’scomingout.” –Man to dog
You
can’t beat me up.I’mvegan
Girl: Mum, when I go back to school, I’ve got six periods. Mum: I’ve told you to call them classes.
Girl: But that’s what they’re called!
Do they have farms up north?
My
house is so scary yeah, the doorbell goes off yeah, and there’s nobody even at the door, you know.
Man: I’ve lost a stone, I’ll have you know. Woman: The only stone you've lost is out your bleeding shoe.
“If
I came round your house through a cat flap and you fed me, you wouldn’t say you owned me, would you?”
“I’m not being overly critical, but that woman looks like the front end of a pantomime horse.”
“She looks bare like a shagbloke...butI’ddefinitely her.”
A bull got stuck in that well. That’s why it’s called Bulwell.
“It’s
bum-fun Friday.”
“I’m
attracted to people that wear their fat successfully.”
I think she’s pretty an’ all, just hate her lipstick.
“Then you forget to pay rent. Your rent comes after a night out.”
The hearing aid’s alright, except I can hear my hair squeaking.
Woman: But you don’t like cats.Man: We had one once, one of them long-haired chinchillas.
“It’salrightthemlotall Istabbingeachother,but getkickedoutjustforbeingpissed!”
“What? What? I don’t get it. Tell you what, why don’t you write me a message on Facebook and I’ll ignore your shit on there too.”
Tell me honestly. Did you eat a cat treat or did you nearly eat a cat treat?
“I thought Nottingham was revolting until we came here! Pity we’ve got to get the train now.”
Mam: What do you say to Nanna for getting you the pyjamas? Kid: Nothing. I don't want them. I wanted the bike.
I“Idon'twantajob. justwanttoplaywithpuppies.”
“Youlikegherkins?Idon't mindthem.Ilikethrowing thematpeople.”
Man: Mightjustgetsomegarlicbread. Woman: What doJustyouwantthatfor? to eat?
I’m terrin’ ya, when you find a good girl you gotta keep it. Buy her a chain or summat.
"That'senoughcaketo to fill a house!"
Now I don’t like to interfere, but you know me I can’t not say anything.
Look what fate brought.Meinyour personalspace.
“She's really funny. She's just a bit of a c**t.”
“I'vegotinloadsofboozeinfor Shannon's sixteenth. Well,fromI'mnothavingthemgetstuff justanywhere.”
“So you could use the paddle board, or you could sit on the front of the big board while I push you around. It's whatever you want to do, really.”
Woman 1: I don't like fireworks any more
Woman 2: Why?
Woman 1: Well, they upset the animals, don't they?
“Howlonghaveyoubeenin Nottinghamnow?Didn'tyou arriveintimeforthatpartyon December fifteenth, whensomeonegotstabbed?”
I’ve spent more on chlamydia medication than your car’s worth.
“They've opened one burger place, so let's open another burger place! It's so stupid.”
Oh mah God, carols on a piano! I’ve heard it all now.
"Wish I was an ill person so I could drink Actimel."
“Don'tcomparemy favouritewayofrelaxing toavagina.”
"Put the lipstick on the horsie."
I’m going to keep the chickens in the lounge at night. You never know with people round here; they might come ‘ere in the night, kill ‘em and have ‘em for their Sunday dinner. I’m not having that.
Girl: What was the best year out of your 55 years of marriage? Old bloke: Fost 'un, I s’pose.
“When she comes down yeah, I'm gonna take her to a restaurant, take her to the pubs round my ends, then take her to a hotel.”
"I thanked my wife for making me menstruation soup and couldn't work out why she looked at me funny."
We all come from ballbags. That freaks me out.
“I love walking through Broadmarsh. It gives me a boner.”
“Do blind people pick up their dog’s poo?”
you're"I'mhavingaFiveGuys,but havingtenguys.Cosyou'reaslag."
“You know the illuminati can control our weather, right?”
I
went to get a haircut and the fittest police man I’ve ever seen arrested the barber.
“I literally know no Spanish. Well, apart from ‘un, deux, trois’.”
"Let's drink our water, tekourpillsandgetthe nightgoing.”
She’sonly goingtothat funeraltobitch abouthim.
“You’d be even more upset if I didn’t have a ballsack.”
“Yeah but some cottages don't have cows.”
Hethinks he’ssosickjust becausehe’s gotAirMaxs.
You’re at nana’s house tomorrow. Please behave. I’ll give you money.
“I’ll go and watch Live Streaming Dog Autopsy.”
“Well, if she wants to get into that erotic stuff she better start stocking up on veg.”
“Smell it, just smell that.” – Woman shoving brochure under man’s nose
“How come I find physics lads so much hotter than the chemistry guys?”
“I think that’s probably my all time favourite Oasis track.”
Bloke on Papa Roach’s cover of Song 2 by Blur
Bruce Springsteen seems like such a nice guy. If you asked him if he wanted a beer, and he was up for it, he’d be happy with a Wetherspoons.
“He’s got a job, if he wants to love me he can buy me something nice... he’s egotistical as well.”
Woman 1: Do you have a type?
Woman 2: Yeah I tend to go for those smackhead types.
“When I conceived Kayla, I wasn’t even talking to him. I hated him.”
“Ooh, are they free coasters?” My apprentice is like a lighthouse in a desert; really bright but no use to anyone.
“I want to make a curry but I’m not sure I’ve reached thatpointyet.”
Woman: What are you doing tonight? Man: Going out for a curry. Woman: You can't have hot food in hot weather.
Man 1: I don't really understand football.
Man 2: Yeah me neither, I just like gambling.
“Left is the Goddess Temple, right’s the toilet.”
Woman 1: I like my Sunday dinner swimming in gravy.
Woman 2: Yeah, I do like the dry bit though. I like to have a deep end.
I
“They're always fighting, they go at it hammer and tooth.”
want to go into the chocolate area.
“Thebestguitarsolo of all time is Candy by Robbie Williams. “
got homicide, and then I’ve got Hannah’s birthday.
I’ve
“Someone
just gave me Magnum Tonic Wine and now I've got headache.”
"What? I must have come here with some shoes?!"
That’s
not a cake, that’s a traybake at best.
Man: How you finding Notts so far then?
Woman: Oh it's beautiful, isn't it?
Man: Laughs
“Boy, it's going to be a long autumn.”
“He said that I basically dislocated his shoulder with the weight of my thumb on his forehead.”
Woman 1: Well I think she’s taking too much of that medicine. Woman 2: I know. Woman 3: I’ve seen her. Woman 1: She just swigs it back, she don’t just tek a spoon. Woman 2: Well, that’s the quickest way to, you know…
Taking m-kat in the toilet possibly ruined my life.
“It
was at that point where he'd sweated in it and that.”
PLEASE... GIVE MY COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF!
Teenager being thrown out of McDonalds by the bouncer
“I hope work isn’t busy today, I’m jet lagged from my flight back from Barcelona.”
I’ve not been to Wagamama. I’m scared of it.
I mean I’m all for an Airwaves, but not in the rave.
"Geoff was being a bit overenthusiastic in the garage and threw out my dahlia tubers."
“I
only take middle-class drugs.”
“I know a lot about beef, I can smell it from a mile away.”
“If
you kill a pigeon here you can go to jail.” Man on phone
"Yaknowwhatyou'regerrinon yourbirfday?Anorange,mate." Mumtoscreamingtwo-yearold
That’s not déjà vu mate, that’s just a thing happening twice.
“I'm 55 tomorrow. That's the oldest I've ever been.”
You be the grass and I’ll be the lawnmower.
“If I could follow one religion, I think it would be hip hop.”
“Pots of pigs in blankets in Greggs? The guy behind that needs a payrise.”
Girl: I'm gonna put it in my throwing-away box.
Man: Do you mean the bin?
"Oh my God. I'm 26 and I've got three different baby fathers."
"There's a few things I wanna see in a rave and one of them is a puppet show. Because I've got bare puppets."
Man 1: Where you going tonight?
Man 2: To a tapas restaurant.
Man 1: Oh, where’s tapas then?
Man 2: It’s a cuisine, not a restaurant.
“I want to go for a wee but it smells like poo.”
"I’m trying to work out who this McEnroe Borg is cos he looks ever-so familiar.”
I swear you didn’t get ginger beards when I was a lad… I blame Ed Sheeran.
Don’t snatch from me or I’ll break ya.
“Can we watch MySex Roboton Netflix, please?”
“I’m just not sure I can really take doge seriously as a meme.” Stand too close? Get banged.
“The Prius has a dang big boot.”
“I saw a woman kick a girl in the fanny. I literally don’t know what to do with that.”
Liberty X and electro swing on repeat is torture though.
That’s the perfect amount of crisps for a crisp sandwich. Life’s finally looking up.
I’m mambaphobic.
“What is it with kids all wanting to lick sockets?”
Bloke: I’ve not even brushed my teeth. You got any chewing gum? Woman: I’ve got a Rennie?
“Idon’tgoouttothepub togetdrunk,butIalways dogetdrunk.”
“How much is it for five pounds worth of beer tokens?”
Girl: What’s your name?
Lad: Simon.
Girl: One of the chipmunks is called Simon!
“You’ve spent the day with a sex tourist on day release?”
Why have you got a beard? You look like you have a mortgage, a few kids and your wife’s always on at you.
“I cannotbe bothered going to the corner shop for milk. Got some wine... that'll do.”
“My name’s Bob and I like cobs.” Young girl, rapping
Elderly woman: I think I left my knife in here on Saturday nightLandlady: Oh yes, I'll just get it for you, flower.
[Returnswithmassive kitchenknife.] There you go, you'll be able to go and attack somebody on your scooter now.
Man: I really love gravy Woman: It's cos you're from Hucknall.
Hang on, is Welbeck Abbey a person or a place?
"Even the roast potatoes have duck in them!"
Angry vegan
"Yeah, like fish and chips but with courgettes instead of fish."
Problem is… you don’t get any babies called Julie anymore.
"Idon'tgetSubway,it'slegit justsandwiches!Youcould make 'em at home!"
If I lose one of you I’m not bothered. Mam of two in busy city centre
"I totally get Kafka. I mean, I've never read him, but I totally get him."
Man: What do you want for breakfast?
Woman: Did you just say 'You're beginning to regret this?'
“It's so bizarre that people in Nottingham queue for buses!"
Woman 1: Doyou want a mint?
Woman 2: Why,doesmybreathsmell?
Woman 1: No,but mine does.
Yes, I know darling, but you went too far when you actually slept with your secretary.
Woman on phone
“Right girls, let's go to Chunky Chicken.” Troupe of sixty-year-old women.
I feel like I’ve just been bathing in a volcano.
“Needingaweedoesn't makeyoulookpretty."
"I
just wanna fly!"Skateboarder
I
like the first name Jack and middle name Daniel.
"To
“No,it'sjustfrozenvegthatwas theproblembuttobehonest mylemonadewasn'tallthat goodeither.”
Tannoy lady
the man with his hand in the drain on the tram platform: please stop, we can see you on the cameras."
The tax man has messaged me on Tinder again.
I couldn’t be a Roman. I can’t walk in a straight line.
"If you're going to steal something, at least be discreet."
"Seems like only yesterday that we were in pornography."
"I'm wearing a dress and I look like a fanny."
"I
blame them rich theirb******s,alllivingitupin poisonedchalices."
“That baby at Forest Rec is my nemesis."
Christian Evangelist: Jesus is the way! Man walking past: Don't you work at Poundland?
"You know Pete. Little guy. Looks like Joe Pasquale." I was seeing this girl and she asked me to get her a Bournville from the shops. I told her to do one.I’m not being seen with a bar of Bournville.
“My freezer is full of fish in a bag. It was on offer on that website.”
"If
"I think it's Poirot." Girlwatchingbuskerplay Careless Whisper on sax.
"I'm
not paying 3.99 for Stig of the Dump."
the girl's got a smelly fanny I'm outta there."
Man: You'll be getting a twiglet later. Lady: I want more than a bloody twiglet!
recoveredI’veonlyjust frommyCraigDavid experience.
I can’t afford a Jägerbomb,never mind a Big Issue.
“My friend's English teacher doesn't believe in the concept of space.”
“Therewasonlyonesingle guyattheweddingand he went home with the photographer.”
"I read somewhere that having a big watch helps you get girls but I don't think that's true."
Man with gargantuan timepiece
wazz"Ohhh...I'mgonna mepants."
“Itmightbringme goodluck.Itmight belikebirdpoo.”
Girl 1: You need to dump him then we can all be single together. Girls in chorus: Yaaay dump him!
Mummy,doesthis
mean I’m not allowed to run into bins now?
"You don't watch Robot Wars, do you?"
Elderly lady
“He literally came in tracksuit bottoms and an Aldi bag. It was just like that.”
“He hacked into her Trainline account and booked a train to Leeds.”
“Mummy,does this mean I'm not allowed to run into bins now?”
"There's too much oestrogen in here."
Woman: What did you buy?
Man: Weed. Alcohol. Pizza.
Man: How do you give an angry blowjob? Woman: I just go home and puke on him.
“Do you like fish and chips? I remember when a bird pooed on yours.”
Every time you see a dog you have to take its picture and send it to me.
Woman: Where do you want to go? Man: Dunno.
Woman: Not Sports Direct. We went there on Sunday and Monday.
“I don't like a Brummy accent on a girl. But on a guy it's well cool.”
Customer: What you got what's veggie?
Cafe owner: Everything on there what's not meat, duck.
Tiny baby: (Coughs) Mum: Hand over your mouth, please.
“I like dogs. I've got two. An American bulldog and a little shit thing.”