OVERHEARD IN NOTTS
VOlumE III
“After all is said and done, more is said than done.”
Aesop
Overheard in Notts Volume 3
Now firmly established as the most popular feature in Nottingham’s LeftLion magazine, which is ironic considering we don’t even have to write it.
This book contains the best of Overheard in Notts, originally printed between Issue 119 (November 2019) and Issue 127 (July 2020).
“She’ssplitupwithher boyfriend. He’sleftherwiththetortoise.”
Lad: Dad, where’s the button? Dad: That’s not the only button you can’t find according to your girlfriend.
Youknowwhat?Andlisten,this haveisimportant.Youshouldalways a£20inthehouseforabottle ofalcohol.Listen,youdon’twantto getcaughtout.
because“Ilikedthishouse
yesit’sa terrace,butithasabay window,whichisabit moremiddleclass.”
“Better to be wrong with knowledge than just be wrong.”
“I mean she’s nice as pie, but scary. Scary, and too tall.”
“We watch a lot of dogging videos”. Old couple chatting to another patient in QMC
“Don’t break his heart, break his cock.”
Woman 1: That lad is giving me the middle finger.
Woman 2: I think he’s just holding a churro.
Mymainfearofinvisibility iswalkingintoaroomwhen peoplearetalkingaboutme. BecauseIjustwouldn’twantto knowwhattheyweresaying.
“I’m going to tend to my
vortex.”
“Ain’t got time for that shit innit blood, that’s why when we get a puncture we gets a new bike.”
Girl 2: What?
Girl 1: people’sIjustdon’tunderstand everything.needtocrackeggsover
Girl 1:Whydopeoplekeepofferingtocrackeggsovermyfood?
“On the grand scale of things that are meant to go up your arse they’re pretty big, fam.” money“RightnowIhavelessthanIhaveweed.”
Apparently now they’ve got neck braces for people who can’t be arsed to hold their head up. So I can’t be the only one.
Guy: What about D of E?
Girl: Dick of England?
Guy: I was thinking more of Duke of Edinburgh, but okay.
Man1:MorningArt
Art:Morning.Man1:How’syourluck?
Art:Steady.
“I took acid once and it made my knees really tickly.”
yourDidyoueverusedtobang headagainstthewallto senttryandsplititopenandget home?
Ah yeah, I love gardening. I’m a f**ker for flowers.
Lad 1: Yo,man’sgota
VIP table at Stealth.
Lad 2: IsitG,yeah?
Lad 1: Dun know.
Posh White Student 1: Yeah, that’s what Snoop Dogg said to Kanye. Posh White Student 2: If I was a black activist in the 1960s, I think I would identify with that.
“Iwasthinkingofgoingintothe
policeforceandbeingadetective. ButIrealisedIlikedrugstoomuch. Mighthavetobeacouncilloror summatinstead.”
“He took my wisdom teeth out. I found him quite sexy.”
Kid: What’s that? Mum: It’s a funeral bus!
Kid:[Sataniclaughter]
Cashier: [Yawn] Sorry.
Woman: Long day?
Cashier: Long life, I suppose.
He’s nuts, my brother. He’s a couple of prawns short of a cocktail.
“After that, I’m going for a poo in M&S.”
“Hethoughthehad conjunctivitisbuthewas juststoned.”
“The German word for smell should be schniffen.”
North“Christ,it’slikelivingin Korea mate.” WorkmaninTopValley
[Loud barking noise]
“Ooh, were that you?”
Girl 1: In Nottingham, people queue for buses.
Girl 2: What?! Why?
“Hewasyourtypicalpassive aggressiveDutchguy,youknow thetype.”
Yeah, she had like twenty vaginas or something.
“As a wise man once said, there's no flames without fire."
Shall we reserve that room for a seance, whip out the Luigi board.
We’rehavingagirls’nightout andyouhaveawillysoyoucan’t joinin.
will“IfIwearthishat,agirl askifshecantryiton, probablyandfourhourslaterwe’re sleepingtogether.” Guywearingaterriblehat
Guy 1: Wow! It’s going to be my brother’s fortieth birthday!
Guy 2: He might as well give up now. Life is like a waterslide, it just gets faster towards the end.
“He’seithergoingtoruin thefriendshiporbemy boyfriend.”
“Omg, you’re gonna love my pyjama shirt.”
He was the dragon boy. The last thing I remember him doing was drinking paint.
Waitress1:Hisknobwassobig,Ithinkitdislodgedmywomb. Waitress2:Isthatwhyyou’vebeenwalkingfunnytoday? Waitress1:Yeah.Buthe’ssorich though.He’sgottwoLamborghinis,I madesurewediditinoneofthem.
“Can I order chips, sausage, and curry sauce please? Gluten free.”
“I know it looks like a bum, but I thought it would be useful in the car.”
Realised I wasn’t the father.She’dbeendoubledipping.
“My uncle banged him right out in the face. That’s why he’s got that chipped tooth.” Maureen. What’s Tinder?
like“YeahbutBill,youdance a monster.”
“Are you interested in a reindeer who’s had his eyes licked off?”
So, like, do you have to earn money?
“He was doing the Hawaii Five-0 down the River Trent in a dragon boat.”
"I used to eat orange peel as a kid, y'know. It makes yer tabs laugh."
"Joanne! How's your new boobs?"
Woman: "I've never been intopantos."Man:"Ohyesyouhave."
"I'm
scared of cheese. Even cheesecake. It makes me go all sweaty."
It’s been one of them days for the past 25 years.
really“SugarplumfairyisaBritishthingtocallsomeone.”
“I’mjustabouttogetmybreakfast atthecafe.That’llsortmeoutfor mytwodateswithtwodifferent girlslater...What?Isthatacactus?!”
“And he comes up and says, ‘Daddy let’s talk about things’, and I says, ‘Shut up mate, it’s 5am.’”
IpunchedaGameboyinhalf.
"I
don't go to the shops, me."
Bloke in Viccy Centre
“Korea? I don’t know what that is.”
Man 1: You keeping well?
Man 2: Ah, you know, still breathing.
Man: It looked a little bit like a dog, but smaller. Woman: A cat?
“Ah,youlookjustlikeyour sister.Doyouhaveasister? No,well,youjustlooklike youraunt,then.”
“I’ve got to physically read through my exam paper. What the hell?”
“You’re just gonna have to get some cardboard shorts.”
RoyOrbison?Hewashe?adartsplayer,wasn’t dartsSoundslikeabloody player.
I still come round your house even though your dad smacked me in my sleep and everything in your living room was floating.
“Nah,see!Whenthegrit goesdownthat’swhen it’sgonnahappen,ho!”
to“Iwanttodonatemybody Sometimesscience,butit’snoteasy.theygettoomany.”
Bloke:They’vefoundacureforbaldness.
Me:What?Thatspraystuff?
Bloke:Nah,theyshrinkyourhead. houseEveryoneusedtosmokeinmy growingup.Ididn’tknow what me mam looked like until Iwasthirteen,whensomebody openedthelivingroomdoor.
He’s stupid. He supports Tottenham Hotplops.
“Dad, I’ve got this. Don’t worry about me! Ahh, I haven’t got this!” Kid walking down the stairs on the bus
Girl: Haveyoueverplayed FIFA, Grandad?
Grandad: What’s that?
Girl: It’splayingfootballonthecomputer.
Grandad: Youwhat?I’veonlyjustlearntto “delete.”
Ifyoudieinaclinicaltrialdoyou stillgetthemoney?
smelt“Thebaby’sumbilicalcord likethestuffyouscrape fromunderneathyourtoenails.”
Man 1: Ayup mate are you wellus?
Man 2: As good as can be expectedus!
“My rule is I’m not eating anything that is still alive. Some people think that that’s a thing to do.”
Can’tputabaginabag. It’s bad luck.
“Heburpsatthetableand doesn’tsayexcuseme.”
“A good-patterned, high-denier sock. That’s a measure of success right there.”
You know what they say; if it’s fixed, don’t break it.
“Mansfield’s like Ilkeston but bigger.”
Girl: Int it weird that you call ginger people carrot top except the top of a carrot is actually green leaves? Boy: Yeah, but it’s THEIR top though, int it?
If it’s in Sneinton, don’t lick it.
“I couldn’t write like that if I got egg and chips for my dinner.”
Woman 1:Thebiggerthefart,thelesstheystink.
Woman 2:Notalways. Woman 1:Yeah,notalways.
Woman: Invite me. I’m an influencer. Man: Influenza, more like.
“Where’s that girl with the teeth? I like her.”
He smells like an after-party sofa.
Yeah, Bobbers Mills Road, Bobbers Mills Road! Yeah, yeah, ya get me? Bobbers Mills Road!”
Guy 1: We’re so drunk.
Guy 2: I’ve seen you so drunk you soiled yourself.
Guy 1: No you haven’t. Maybe wet myself, but not soiled myself.
Guy 2: It’s just a generic term.
I’ve only had one house party. Someone broke the radiator and did a wee on the couch. My mum wouldn’t let me have another one.
Woman: What’s that computer thing that answers all your questions?
Lad: Google?
Woman: No, the one that talks.
Lad: Siri?
Woman: Yeah, that’s it, Syria. Well, everyone’s been kicking off cos there’s summat on telly saying “Syria, turn the telly off” and the bloody thing turns itself off.
“Thingabouthavinga platypusforapetis:it’dbe funnyforaboutfiveminutes, thenit’dberubbish.”
Giveupyourrooms,sleepon spacethefloor,thenyou’vegotmore fordogs.
Bloke 1 hands a cigarette over to Bloke 2
Bloke 2: I’ll give you some money for it, hang on.
Bloke 1: No honestly mate, don’t worry about it.
Bloke 2: Nah, I’ll give you 50p. That’s what they cost at school.
“Well, if it does happen again, we’re gonna have to drill an hole in’t sand.”
“It’s D & D & D. Dungeons and Dragons and Death, bro! It’s the new thing.”
“Don’t lie to me. Just get it checked.”
You look like Batman with a beer belly.
“Get out of that chair or you’ll get done by the police.”
Mum to daughter in a shop
“Barnaby
“She ran off wi’ an Elvis impersonator. He went bust. Lost the farm, the house, the Range Rovers. Everything. We all knew what she wor. I forecasted it. But anyway he’s orate. Living in a rented flat in Eastwood. He’s back on the tools.”
– did you walk round in a circle?”
“Therewasanegginthattoiletanda littlechickenjusthatchedoutofit.” Littlegirlattheleisurecentre
going to hate this. My friend made a mushy pea gin.
You’re
“Like it’s all nice cafes there now,it’sum...dentrifikention.” OohIdon’tliketogetthe tram:I’vegotaneckproblem.
“I’ve never eaten a Twinkie but I feel like I know what one would taste like.”
“I think there are some people who live on our road that look like they don’t belong in Wollaton.”
Person 1: “You getting some cigarettes?”
Person 2: “No, it’s alright. I’ve got a banana.”
Where’s yer pop-eyed friend? The one that looks like Kermit the Frog?
“Iheardthatwhenyoudie,it’sGreg Wallacenarratingtheafterlife.”
I’mnotwastingvaluablesalad!
Man on Boots tannoy: Attention you lucky shoppers! There is just one sandwich left in our fridge. Come and get it before it goes – it’s only 50p.
Mars bars are about a tennernow.Freddo’sgot hisownmortgage!
“Ihelpedmyclientgetintouch withherinnerunicorn.”
“You’relikeaDisneyPrincess forvermin.”
11-year-old boy to his brother: Mum doesn’t love you.
Man: Why did we come to Nottingham?
Woman: To sort the shower in the rental.
Man: Ah well, there’s always tomorrow.
“They make three types of beer: rough, rougher and evil. It’s like a bitter but it looks like it’s got Cornflakes floating in it.”
I always look at men’s hands when I first meet them. Is that wrong? Not in that way... but, you know. Actually that’s really weird. Please don’t put this in Overheard in Notts.
“Excuse me, I look like d’Artagnan?”
Woman: You liar! Man: I swear on Derek’s life! Woman:Well,you’venever liked him.
“This is ridiculous. You don’t want to go to a funeral at half two. Who does that?”
“You have two hopes mate. Bob Hope... and Bob Monkhouse!”
“Nah.Lidl’sMarsbars arebetterthanAldi’s.”
“You’ve gotta fake it to make it. Then once you make it, you’ve STILL gotta fake it.”
Wecanobjectifythesepigeons!
for“Canyougerrusaplasticpot breakfastthisplease,duck?I’llayitfor wi’aneggontop.”
Old man in Tarn Thai
Apparentlyhehotboxedmymum anddad’sen-suitebathroom.
Bloke 1: I feel fat. Bloke 2: You are.
“Oh,myfootfetishis goingmentalrightnow.”
I just farted on that person’s dog.
you“Iwaslike...It’snotmyfamily about.needtobebothered Yourdaughter’san idiot for a start.”
“...didn’twantanythingtodo
withtheson.Andthatsetone ofthedragqueensoff.” happenedAndthat’sexactlywhatlasttime,exceptthe chicken was in the room.
“The judge says that the contract stands, even though I signed it at 11.30pm, drunk.”
“Yo blud, that church is the sickest church in all of Notts fam, remember that!”
Colin,we’renothavin’ it.Wecan’tallgotoNorth Carolinatopickupacat.
“However, she did stab him, so it couldn’t have been that bad.”
Barista: Milk? Which type? Customer: Just the stuff that comes out a cow’s tit, duck.
“Nanar
is only ‘avin one more fag because she’s desperately gorra get you lot to bed nah.”
“HowamImeanttoworkfrom home,startwebcamming?” Taxidriver
Man: coronavirusI’veheardtheisn’tinDerby. Woman: Courseit’snot.WhogoestosoddingDerby?
“Your feet stink. Have you stood in dog poo with no shoes on or summat?”
“B for Boris. U for Ugly.”
ThemainthingI’velearntfrom thisishowlittleIactuallywant togetdressedeveryday.
Leaflet vendor: Come on lads, take it.
Lads: [Nervous laughter]
Leaflet vendor: Sore subject?
Woman: There’s a new aftershave for introverts called, ‘Leave Me the Fuh’ cologne.
Man: Really?
Woman: Remember yesterday we were talking about you being gullible?
Man: Oh.
“I’m not doing my dad’s shopping no more. He ate twelve cobs in a day so he can whistle.”
Imagine killing your husband years ago, thinking you got away with it, then someone making a documentary about it, and then the whole world being stuck indoors when it came out on Netflix.
Talk about bad luck.
“It’s nice but” [weary sigh] “a baguette’s just not the same as a cob, is it?”
Went“Don’tgetmewrong,Ilovedriving. downtoYarmouththeotherdayforsomeferrets,baconcobonthe passengerseat.”
Woman: What would your ideal holiday be?
Man: Hm. What did you call it, self-quarantining?
Woman: Self-isolating?
Man: Yeah. Yeah, I wanna do that.
“I have a halo. You just have a hello.”
yesterday.“Iself-isolatedformostofI’mbleddybored,mate.”twoLadonphoneinTesco,carrying giantpizzasunderhisarm
Woman: I think it’s a conspiracy and a pack of lies. I’ve been ill but I don’t care, I’m fine.
Man: Yeah, but it’s about spreading it. It can be a death sentence for the elderly.
Woman: Idris Elba has it and he’s fine.
“Ohno,disaster!DerbyCityCouncil’s suspendingbrownbincollections.Wherewill weputtheguineapigpoonow?”
I’m“Unlesstherapturedoescome, stillgonnagoPret.”
They go everywhere together. He’s like his congealed twin.
“It's hard work being conscious.”
I was an alcoholic before this and I will damn sure be an alcoholic after this. Until they shut that pub, I’ll be in there every night!
“Don’t look at me like that, love. I was clearing my throat, it’s not the bubonic plague.”
Listen,
“Now tell me Sam, do you wanna live till you see tomorrow?”
I can’t get any bread. I don’t know what’s going on.
want“I’mnothavin’Houseparty.Idon’t they’repeopleinmyhouse,evenif onlyheredigitally.”
“Lurpak is like the Ribena of the butter world.”
Man:Itoldyou.Don’t askmeaboutthat.Idon’t wanttodiscussitonabus. Her:Thisisatram.
It’s
like someone’s stuck a thehooveruphisarseandsucked liferightoutofhim.
“Why would I send someone a picture of my willy? Even I don’t like looking at it.”
Tinygirlclutchinganeight-packof fake Fab ice lollies: MummycanIhavetheseifIeatthem allbeforewegethome?
“Howareyourbones?”
“Had that thing with the antibiotics but I’m beginning to look handsome again now.”
“That table is dead weird. It’s got sticks for legs.”
Saw it in my profiterole vision innit.
“My laptop’s being really weird too lately. Maybe I’m just a bit magnetic at the moment.”
“I bought a bottle of that semi-skilled milk.”
lives“Hekeepstellingpeoplehe knowinMapperley,butweall it’s St Ann’s.”
“If I had a butler, I’d send him down ASDA with a silver tray and ask him to fetch me back a pack of butter and a couple of Stellas. ‘And mek sure it’s a Woops!’”
“HetaughtmyDadMorsecode, apparently.”
“Wherehasspacejazz beenallmylife?”
“Never again will there be a shop like this again.”
“Not bad for bathroom music.”
With a little bit of rum we canmakeitthroughthenight.
“CanyouplaysomeABBAformymate?”
Bras. Who needs ‘em?
“Is that a framed picture of Arthur the Cat?”
‘What is the platonic ideal of a fanfiction ship?”
“You mean the media normally doesn’t lean one way or the other? Is this your first day on the internet by any chance?”
That’s a serious haircut.
“WetherspoonshavedoneJohn Ardernethegreathonourof him.namingtheirNewarkpubafter He’dbesoproud.”
“I used to babysit you.”
“Nothing worse than watching anyone do sex.”
Your face is back to front Will.
“Yes,yeswehaveallseen picturesofanemptystreet before.Noneedtoget excited.”
“Those of us who live in Derby are quite happy not to be visited by the verminous, plague-ridden inhabitants of Snottingham.”
IliketheEnglishrap.
when“Lovethisduckcity.Alwaysnice youseethemintown.”
“Thatiseerie.Ifeelsorryforthe
lionsallalone.”
LeftLion is a pale shadow of its former entertaining self.
“Where
are these 40peoplewhenwe’re playingarealgig?”
“Don’t you come that with me, I swear down I know more about carpets than you’ll know about owt”
I am a normal person; I’ve not come out of fucking space, have I?
“Anyway, it was lovely talking to you. I’m Victoria by the way. What’s your name?”
“Look at all these idiots queueingup,haven’ttheygot anything better to do?”
Man in queue
“Ok”
“YOU know what I mean though, don’t you?”
“Aran” “Oh cool, cool. I say my name is Victoria, but I go by Saffron. I’m very Indian in spirit.”
“I don’t know. I’m from Pakistan.” “Yeah I’ve never been to India but always wanted to. That country is deep in here.”
*tapsonherchest*
don’t“IreallywannagotoGlastonburybutI wannagoandsitinashittytent with all them crusties.”
“Whatwithalltheweatherand queueingthisisjustlikebeingin America.”“Youbeen?”“Nah,butIreckonit’sjustlikethis.” hasn’tLindaMcCartney’sdonewell, she?
“Theywon’tmoveyou.Theycan’t. Everyonejustmovesaroundyou becauseyou’rebasicallythesun.”
“Last time I saw you your dick was out!”
“Yourarmpitsmellslovely.”
“HEY! JANE! Has Alfie got fleas?!” “Yeah! He got ‘em from me!”
greyLookatyou...You’vegot hair,you’renearlydead.
“I once did it on Tia Maria and I said I’d knee cap anyone for a fiver.”
“I’m not seein’ her no more. Them tits were longer than a night in prison.”
It was all different back in 2014.
“Stop spitting!”
“It’s my own spit, it’s fine.”
“I
am your pretty daughter, he is your ugly son.”
“I’vegotsuchaclearmemoryof RichardMadeleydyingafewyears back.Itwasacarcrashorsomething. Weirdhowthemindplaystrickson you.”
“MymumcallsmeWhoratheExplorer.”
“RICK JAMES, BITCH!” Screamed from a moving car
“Had my own helicopter before I got married. They take it all.”
“CRISPS!
What’s for breakfast?”
“Those who cry the loudest are not always the ones who are hurt the most.”
Aesop
