OVERHEARD IN NOTTS VOLUME 4
Overheard in Notts Volume 4
We are nosey and you are hilarious. Here’s all the silliest and funniest things that were heard and recorded on our clandestine city-wide surveillance network and published in the pages of LeftLion magazine between Issue 128 (August 2020) and Issue 141 (November 2021).
wereHesaidyougoinghome nottogetfood!That’s Wotsits!food,them’s
“Ok, now say ‘virus freeee’” Grandad taking photo of posed grandchild
‘leant“He’sgotoneofthose rapperonakeyboard’ names...”
“You can't give her a fiver, that's like... poor people money”
“Mate, I feel like a tentacle”
So this likeNottingham.isIt’s Leicester, but gentrified
“She walks like a dog wearing shoes”
Dad watching his toddler daughter
“He got banned from the comedy workshopforbeing too funny.”
“You know what I love pickaboutyou?...Youalways upthephone”
“It comes down to atossupbetween DwayneJohnsonand BillyCrystal”
“He's diabetic and a cross-dresser, but he still job”managedtogetadecent
Yeah I’ll meet you about 7.30ish, or maybe 25 to 8
“Idoapologiseformy friend, I think he's on a sexlinetomysister”
You taste like something you haven’t eaten...
“Seeifyoucanfindmeanice silkscarf,Ineedonetocleanmy violin” - Man outside Oxfam
“Ihadtwentyminutes sparetofinishhimoff,so that was beautiful”
“But who will be our nannywhenyoudie?”Two kids and their nan walkinghomefrom school
Ding, dang, the whole shabang
“Oh“Don’tspendyouroverdraft!” parents’no,I’mnot–thisismy money”
No! I don’t like slugsonmedinner!
“Youeatwaytoomany Babybelstolivetoninety”
“Doyouremember goingtoButlinsand beingsickonthatnun?” “Shewassoun-nunly”
“BothtimesIwenttoprison,Iwas dowearingtheseshoes.NowwhenI themanythingbad,Ijustdon’twear sotheywon’trecogniseme”
that.That’saproperfireexit, What’s the best fire exit you’veeverseen?
Ilovetohave myinternalorgans deeplymassaged
“I feel like I’ve lived five lifetimes in the last twelve hours, but I’m not sure what I’ve done”
she“Shewashandstanding… “Shehandstood…” “Yeah”didahandstand?”
Waitress 1: (Tryingtoreadnotepad) What’s all this then?
Waitress 2: Tuna and cucumber sandwich
Waitress 1: You know there’s no ‘q’ in cucumber, right?
Youlooklikea lesbiandinosaur
look“Theydolookabitfrowny, athimscowling.” “Ofcoursetheydo,it'sJoy Curtis,Division.Andthat’sIanhehunghimselfjustafterthatphoto”
“I'mgoingstraight frommybootycallto myMum's.I'mnoteven havingashower" but“Iwokeupreallydepressed, thenIthoughttomyself: atleastI’mnotanISISwife”
I can get hormonal, I’ll cry at the Lloyds TSB advert with the horse
“Stop it or I’ll tie you to a lamppost outside the Forest ground in a Derby shirt”
kind“DoIlooklikethe ofperson biscuitthatknowswhata barrelis?”
her“Hewentonadatewith twinsistertheother havedayyouknow.Themtwo ahabitofdoingthatthough,sharing boyfriends”
“Whycan’tyoujust flashyourdoo-dah andgeteverything youwant?”
Turns out, speed doesn’t actually make you run faster
“ThemAmericansarealways ourcomingoverhereandtaking butlers.Whydon'ttheygettheirown?”
Child 1:IjustwantaKinderEgg
Child 2: What?! You tramp!
“If you have no legs, it’s the perfect swimsuit”
There’ssummataboutagirlina sensiblecoat.Itjust getsme
“Back in the day, she used to keep someone in a cupboard” to“Whyshouldshehave telepathetic?”evenask?Areyounot
“Do beards count as masks anywhere?”
“According to the five-year- old who lives across the road, his mum is, in fact, a batty batty man”
Meandmygranused to suck off six in onesitting
“Thishelpingoutandeatingoutthing,
it’sarightintit.Ahtookthemissusout forsomenoodlestheothernight.” “Ahyeah?Idon’tmindnoodles. Basicallypastaentthey.” “Yeah.Basically.”
He could eat an entire roast dinner without cutlery. It was mad
“ImightwatchCuties andeatablockofbrie”
“You should stop talking out your arse, so from now on buttocks clenched”
“Don’t be so dramatic - just don’t eat the glass”
“I've only met one bloke who has a longer tongue than me. From Coventry. Massive”
Lad in shop: “I like to get my money's worth” Old shopkeeper lady: “That's what your mum said when she had you”
Youwouldn’twanthouseachipshopinyour
Girl 1:“Oh!Iforgottosay,Isaw...:”
“Two hot sausage rolls on a baguette. No butter”
Girl 2: “Me tits?” used“Backin'tday,kidstogoschooland learnmaffsnscience, watchnowadaystheyjust porno”
We only had two cars at the time
“Theyear'sgonereallyfast andIhaven'tdoneanything, IwentinHomeBargains theotherdayandtheywere gettingtheChristmasstuff out”
“Students are comin’ back next week and all, as if one virus wasn’t enough to deal with”
National Express driver taking temperatures with infrared thermometer: “I'll take from your hand rather than your head so we don't get no complaints of brain damage”
(Inapub)“What’s track and trace?”
“Whenpicking thinkblackberries,youhaveto likeablackberry”
How posh did this bus get suddenly?
Mum to three-year- old kid: “I’m seriously gonna walk up to a police officer and hand you in”
Just seen a dude drop£300incashon hisleccykey.Hottest thingI’veseenina while
Ladinshop:“Iliketogetmy money'sworth” Oldshopkeeperlady: “That's whatyourmumsaidwhen shehadyou”
fast“Theyear'sgonereally and I haven't done anything,IwentinHome andBargainstheotherdaytheyweregettingtheChristmas stuff out”
“You know when kids have them gooses' names?”
Woman:“You’resoclever”
Man:“NoI’mnot” Woman:“Yeahyouare,Icanonlyspeakone languageandthat’s Hucknall”
My bumhole is never clean
Hehadwaytoo muchrealestate betweennoseand moustache
“You know when kidshavethemgooses' names?”
“You can’t just keeping turning your hearing aid off and using it as an excuse to ignore us” Old lady in a pub
“It’s good here, you don’t have to listen to the meatheads giving birth” Guy at the gym
She’s had more dinners than I’ve had hotjobs
“Ahmate,Ididn’t wannahavethose poppers.Should’ve stucktomeMaltesers… I’vegotaheadache now”
says"“Wheneversomebody 'sorryforyourwait'Ialwaysthinkthey're makingasubtlefatjoke”
“Everyonelovesaserial killer...especiallyat Christmas”
but“Iwouldlivehere, it’s too far from London”
I‘ve never
seen a hash brown in a house before
“Hehadajacket potatoanditreally upsetme”
You want a covid-freecuppa tea duck?
“Bloodyhell, don’t these masksmakeyoudeaf!”
going“Ithoughtthiswastobeanicebitofjustthestory...nowwe’ve gotdeathlizards!”
“I'vegottagerrometo listentothesilenceon theradio”
“Daddy, why did you marry Mummy? She's the most annoying person ever”
“Daddy,daddy...
Ijustwanttolick youlikeacat”
I love beans. They are like mini potatoes
“Why you breathing in my ear like a pervert?”
“... Practise?”
“You’ve never heard of a macaron? Are youinsane?!”
“I couldn’t tell if that smellwasdogpoo or Parmesan”
“Notuglyperse,but definitelyanElephant Man-esquequality”
“There is no way I am giving my dog a colonoscopy – there is NO way”
not gangsta enough for kimchi
I’m
he“Don'tyouthink runs like a Sims character?”
“She looks like a cotton bud that's been lost down the back of the radiator”
She looks like an overused ironing board
“They look like a couple. Like they look like you’d get them in the same Lego set”
worn“He'sgotafacelikeapairoflongjohns”
“WhenyougoMarksand Sparks,youcantastethe andquality.ThenyougotoAldi madeyoucantellit’sbeenoutofsawdustthey’vesweptoffthefloor”
“She looks like an old candle that's been left near a hot window”
Histeethlookedlike anabandonedgameof GuessWho
“I’ve never even met him in person, but I just know that he smells like cheap aftershave andparents”disappointed
It’slikeyouandCOVID arehavingacompetition toseewhocanruinmy yearthemost
“Did you kiss her?”
“I’d rather kiss the business end of a bear trap”
“SorryIdidn’trealise the dress-code was paedo-chic”
“He can’t wait for Indian restaurants toandre-opensohecango enjoyakormaandchips”
“She’s just young, dumb and full of…”
“... a burning hatred of the patriarchy”
“He was the sort of lad that would wear his school shoes at the weekend”
“Hesaidhe’dgetback
togetherwithmeifIgota newnose,andmyfather,the surgeon,istheonewhogave it to me.”
“...and that’s how much of a crackheadMikeTysonwas.”
Athimbleislikearmourforyourfingers
Man: “Hellooo!”
Woman: “Bit harsh, I know what you mean though.”
wasDoyouknowthatmanI strokinginAsda?
“We're sisters AND cousins. No-one can call metrashagain.”
“Once I lost the nail off paintmebigtoe.Ijusthadto summer!”theskin‘cositwere
Woman:“No,anAPPLEadaykeepsthedoctoraway.”
Man:“Notfivepintsofcider?Fiveaday,innit.”
Bagsynotgettin’round in int’ Saltwater
"TUNA
FISH" - Little boy shouting at pigeon
“Oistandonmytrainers again,Iwanttomake themdirty–theylook betterdirty”
Kid 1: “I don't get it. Why do the Chinese wear them masks on their faces all the time?”
Kid 2: “It's ‘cos they're smart, it's a sign of respect innit. Like if they're ill and they sneeze, it don't go in the atmosphere.”
Kid 1: “Why don't we wear them then?”
Kid 2: “‘Cos we're not clever like they are.”
“I had one of them well-man check up at the doctor’s ten year ago. He says, ‘You're all right, you could run a marathon’. Had a bleddy heart attack on the toilet a month later. Goes to show, doesn't it?”
gyal“Howyougonnaleta takeyouforchips like that fam?”
Man on phone: "Don't messmearound"*long pause*"OhmyGod! That'smyferret!"
There’s two things in Nottingham I don’t like, and you’re one of them
Woman:“Ikeeptypingit Kenwrong,canIjustcallyou instead?”
Man: “No! No one’s been called Ken since 1962!”
“Hot damn! One boogie down. He just ejected at Mach II…. I thought you’d never ask”
Alabama reminds me of Grimsby
“Ipushedheroutmy vaginafinebutIstruggle pushingherupthishill”
“He skinned a cat.”
“Whydidhedothat?”
“Too much acid.”
What can I eat that’s not got any calories in?
“Would you use your manners and just talk to me instead of being a twat”
“Igotupearlyon Tuesdaymorningand IpoppedhalfaRitalinso thecouldtidyupbeforecleaningladycame”
“Which potato based food do you prefer, chips or mashed potato?”
“Why can’t you just let me be myself, daddy?”
HockleyWe’regoingtoArtsClub,theygotallthetrees
rings“Whywehavingonion “Well,onaroast?” Iforgotthestuffing”
“Hangonaminute...I'd better set a timer for 15 minutes to check the children haven't died”
Man: “It's a bit too musical”
Woman: “It's a musical”
I got my belly out to upset her
nan
Smoking bare weed made her batty so small, and her legs nuff skinny…
“It's like time seems different to seenmenow.ImeanitfeelslikeIonly “That'syouacoupleofmonthsago.” ‘cosyoudidseeusacoupleofmonthsago.”
I’m“Itoldhim,youdon’tknowwhere bothfrom.ByFridaynightwe’ll be stood there with blackeyesandpintsinourhands.”
Busdriver:“He doesn'tlookwell.I can'ttakehimwhen he'sthatdrunk.” Woman:“Oh,he'snot drunk. He'sondrugs.”
“IfCocklemanisstruggling formoneyheneedstoget himselfonOnlyClams.”
Olivesarejust grapesforwankers
“Igotupearlyon Tuesdaymorningand sopoppedhalfaRitalin beforeIcouldtidyupthecleaningladycame.”
“I think they get someone to throw up on them and that’s to test whether they can stick it out”
“Well I want a million pounds Dion. But I’m not gonna get one.”
Had to sack three labourers for tossing off round the corner of a building
She’s bulk-buying Father’s Day cards. Take that for what you will
Son telling:“YouknowhowIkeep youyou'rethebest mum out there…” Mum: “Whatdoyouwant?”
“Ibloodylovefootball”-Guy who clearly doesn’t love football
“She smells nice” ”Stop being creepy Maurice”- Maurice’s wife
Manonphone yeah....yeah...yeah”:“Yeah...yeah... His mate:“Onemore‘yeah’andI’mkickingoff.” Manonphone:“...yeah… yeah...” His mate:“Wellhecalledmy bluff there didn’t he.”
I’m coming for him on voice note!
"See all these nice placeswecouldgoto?Butno, wantbecauseyouonlyever togotobloody Pizza Express..."
“Itakeityoureallyhatepoorpeople andminorities?Ikindofthought thisstudent'humour'wasathingof the 1970s. But no. We now have the puritanicalLeftmockingpoorpeople forcheaplaughs”-GuyonFacebook talkingaboutOverheardinNotts
“She’sbasicallythe Warioversionofmy lastgirlfriend”
Surely
everything can’t give you cancer. That would be mental
art“Killinganartistbyan tool isn’t murderit’sexpression.”
“Rashford, Saka and Sancho in an old-school tag-teammatchagainst Boris, Hancock and Patel.I’dpayatenner minimum.”
Man 1: It don’t claim to be a biscuit though does it?
Just fig roll. Man 2: Hmm. Think you mean fig cob.
Kid,soakingwet,crying hysterically: Mum I'm coooooold Mum, so over this: I told younottojumpinthatwater Littlebrother,gleeful chanting: Your own fault! Your own fault! Your own fault!
“It’s this that always gives it away to my grandma. She always knows.” - Man pointing to the sweat on his forehead.
There’s nothing like not being able to drink on a works do to make you realise how boring your colleagues are, is there?
“Don't point your finger at me, it's rude! How would you like it if I poked my finger in your eye?!”
Fairtrade“It's2%extrawiththe logo…Yeah, moment.don'tmentionChinaatthe It'sproblematic.”
“Sothisdragon livedinaswamp yeah…”
millennialShe’slikeaKaren
“Honestly the state of this country. If this was a film, we’d be the bad guys and COVID would be the superhero I reckon.”
I’ve had enough of both you and her. You’re both thick
“Isplease”“Smallcoke,noice “Nah...Pepsiok?” Strongbowmakeita ta”
“I used to think dogs were dirty, but I’d breastfeed mine”
“You’re not disabled, you’re
just fat”
“Noit’snotthe donkeythat’s ScottishIT’STHE OGRE”
“I lost all respect for your dad when I saw him eat an egg custard with a little spoon”
Father and daughter at a football game: “You hate the black man, don’t you Daddy?” “What? Don’t say that” “You always say you hate the black man Daddy! The one that doesn’t have a number on his back.”
“Oh, the referee? SHE MEANS THE REFEREE!”
I really don’t see the point in Ravioli
I want to ride a bicycle right up into his arse
dress“Wearingaweddingonyourstag-dois justabitclichéisn’tit?”
“You can’t throw a cat without hitting one of them bloody yellow scooters”
school“IwishIcouldgobacktoknowingwhatIknow now” Long“Whatdoyouknownow” pause“Idon’tknow”
“She had three birthdays: one for her mates, one for her work people and one for all those people she doesn’t really like but had to see”
We’re not trying to reinvent sliced bread here
“Oooh that bottle of red is £3.85, that’ll do for them”
“Rona’s either Eithermadeuporitint. boringwayit’s now”
“I’m taking her to Platform 9¾ then showing her my 5¾”
I don’t know how long fifteen metres is in English
“Life is very Mr Beanish right now”
“What’s the German name for Jason?”
“Oh I
don’t know. Just make a decision you bloody hippie” Woman on phone
The first time I ever had a KFC was in Wolverhampton
“…Yeah,wellyouain’t fulfillin’ ma needs!!” “Yeah,wellno-oneisfillin’ me!”
"Andthat'swhy,from nowon,I'mincharge ofthepigsinblankets"
She’s got a face like a LIDL mussel
"Is Uncle Ben real or is he like the Dolmio puppets?"
bet“Thesetreesareoldfam.I Grandma”they’reolderthanyour
“Thesetreesareoldfam. Ibetthey’reolderthan yourGrandma”
“We're middle classnow,Igotussome kitchen roll in”
“I’malittletoo hungoverforthe Holocaustrightnow”
“It’sfunnyintithowuber toffsanduberstupid peoplevotedBrexit”
I’d rather die than carry my PE kit in a separate bag
Man 1 “They sent William Shatner up to space. Do you think he Shatn’is pants?” Man 2 “You’ve been practising that haven’t you.”
“I wouldn’t bow if I met the Queen. I’d just be like… allrite Queeny”
soiled“SoIsez,Brian,haveyou yersen?Andhe seznocozhe'sadirty boggerandaliar”
“What’s the bendy thing?” “Gymnastics”
Oooffft, I need a sit down after that stand up
I dunno! I’m not Gandalf you twat!
“I’ve seen my fair share of Prime Ministers and I’m tellin’ ya, this one will sink us to the bottom of the bloody ocean. Right to the bottom!” - Old man talking to no-one in particular on the tram
A PUBLICATION BY
