OVERHEARD IN NOTTS
The Verruca Moment
Overheard in Notts The Verruca Moment
(Volume 5)
We are nosey and you are hilarious. Here’s all the silliest and funniest things that were heard and recorded on our clandestine city-wide surveillance network and published in the pages of LeftLion magazine between Issue 142 (December 2021) and Issue 159 (April 2023).
Young lad 1:“Who’sthatguyagain?”
Young lad 2:“FreddieMercury.”
Young lad 1:“Ohyeah…thatguyoffthe film BohemianRhapsody?” and“Igotataxrebatefor£500 keep5p.Itold‘emtheycould the5p.”
It’s one of them shops where you can’t see inside, and they sell Chupa Chups!
told“HewasrunninghisgumssoI him'SUCKYADAD.’”
“Whenyousaystufflikethat,Ithink beingaserialkillerisagoodidea. Peopleneedtodie.”
“Isthisgay?”Lad one to lad two, midsword fight with mock-penis garlic bread sticks in the middle of Tesco. or“Doyouwantcroissants,yes no!?”Exasperatedmother thetalkingtoscreamingchildon floor in Lidl
Her first word is definitely going to be ‘shart’
Bus driver:Whereyougoing?
Student, fumbling with money:University Bus driver:Ihopeyernotstudying maths.
Student: …
Bus driver:Haveyouevercaughtabus before?
Student,still fumbling: ...
Bus driver:Wouldyoulikesomehelp toyourseat?
“Generally speaking, anything above a fiver is bloody good red wine.”
rightShe’sgota WillspairofJack dogs.
“Wherewe’regoin’,you don’t need brakes.” - Lad on an e-scooter “Oh,IamsoverygratefulthatIgaveyouthemiracleoflife.”Frustrated Dad to his toddler, mid-tantrum
“I hate to see lipstick and dark hair together like that.”
I don’t like hot food,me.Ihada Vindalooonce,I went deaf.
“I'm way too pretty to get beaten up, nah mean?”
“Crackheadscomefrom everywheredon’tthey... terrible.”
Igivethehuman race about another century.
"What type of car have you got now?" "It's a red one." "Oh cool." "Yeah."
9 year old kid:"Didyou know,onthedarkweb, youcangetarealDeath Notethat*whispering* actuallykillspeople?"
Ifollowloads ofdisabledcatson Instagram.
I’vespentmore Ionbusestodaythan have on rent.
Daughter: You could get a hot tub and sit in the garden looking at all your Buddha heads.
Mum: Oh yeah that'd be lovely.
Daughter: I don't know why you've got so many, you're not even Buddhist.
Maninvanwatchingtwoyoung womenwalkpastattrafficlights: "Ohgod!Twobeauties…mmm." Womanshoutingbacktovanman:"Ohgod!Creepyoldman!"
Noyouhaven’tyoutwat.”
"Icanpayyoubackinafew
weeks,isthatalright…It'sfor mytattoo!"-Visibly stressedout woman on phone
I’mtellin’you
fam,thatlight skinnedgirlhadher handsallovermy chipslikearaccoon. Disgustin’.
YoungladsbyMatalan:"It'satotalwasteoftime.Been halfwatchinghimdowheeliesfor anhour."
Whenit’sascoldbigasthis,andIdoa wonderol’heftyfart,I ifpeople can see the hot bum.aircomingoutmy
“She’s not happy with you for leaving that giant shit in the toilet.”
- full volume on the bus
I’msorryI’m notuptodateon Muppetscelebrity gossip.
“If I had to choose between a pint in Baghdad and a pint in Sherwood I’d genuinely have to think about it.”
Wouldyouratherbeadepressed humanora depressedfruit?
“He reckons his name was Michael Owen but he was from the Philippines and just trying to impress me.”
since“I’venotlikedJimmyCarr messedhegothisbarnet upanyway.”
T withhat’sthething needmusic,you noise to make the unfortunately.music…
Mother, talking to her son: “Are you looking at that man’s ice cream? If you’re lucky he might tell you where he got it.” Man: “No he won’t.”
meIfsomeonepaid timeafivereveryItookadump I… would still be workpoorbutI’dgetto fromhome.
Woman on the phone: “I bet I could make a haggis.”
Shapes of geography I know, uhhh Italy, Texas. That’s it.
is“Ijustwanttocheckthetea therightcolour.”-Old ladyinBroadway
“Don’t run across roads, kids!” Kid, running across a road
Retired couple, wife to husband: “Ooh, I'm not sure about this shirt, it's all a bit jazzy.”
“Ooh, did I tell you I just got a puppy?”
“Aah, that's lovely, what sort of dog is it?”
“A baby dog.”
voiceYoursinging sounds likefromthepaedophile FamilyGuy.
Hmmm…well,ifIdidn’tknow youI’dthinkyou werecool.
“I'm going to steal these and make a crumble!”
- Old lady clutching blackberries in Aldi
“Howwasyourfood?” wait“Reallynicemate,Ican’t again.”toburpsoIcantasteit
“We didn't have phones. We said we'd meet in town at the left lion.” - Dad, passionately to disinterested young kids
whenSometimes you’ve had so much cheese you just need a little bit of bread to level off.
“Let’sgointo youPoundlandandI’llget somethingnice…” It was like Christmas in flavourtown!
“But will it get me so inebriated that it won’t affect my willy?”
“Mum!Shejustpushedme tomydeath!”-Childon thebustryingtotattle ontheirsibling
nice“Ahhh,lookatallthose “Mostducklings!” surviveofthemwon’t themonth.”
I feel like a Sim.
She’s not liked in Buxton now.
“That'sanicebaklava.”-An observationaboutUkrainian TerritorialArmyattire
“I used to be able to polish off an entire jar of salsa with one packet of ready salted.”
“Julie’s just had a newborn baby.”
“Scuse me, uh... Jamiroquai lad? You got a light?”
“Iheardhimonthetreadmill. Hiswholebodysoundedlikeit wasclappingfortheNHS.”
If she was a paint, she’d be magnolia.
He was dancing a minute ago, but now he’s struggling to open a tin of soup.
“TakemedowntoNottingham city where the gals are rough and thebeerisshitty.”- Drunken lad singing on train
Man one: “I didn’t know Hitler was a punk guy.” Man two: “He was the ultimate punk guy.”
“When I was a kid I had to wear an eye patch and it actually made me more popular.”
I was just thinking how nice it would be to be a dictator.
“Well, excuse me for havingaskeleton.” I’m just all full of meat right now.
“That’sthenoisemy titsmakewhenItake mybraoff.”
work“WhenIgottootiredat toilet,I’dgotothedisabled layloadsoftoiletroll onthefloorandhavealittle lie-down.”
“I hate feeling all your bones wiggling under your skin.”
I like to think my style chavletic.is
WellIthought she was a lesbian withherbeinga decorator.
“Just anything to keep the existential dread away.“
“What's a dopamine hit?“
weird.“BaguettesaresoWhyarethey,like,solong?”
“She was American, too, so she didn’t understand the concept of shame.”
“Arewethereyet?” into“We’rethreeminutes thejourney.” are“Ooooohhhhhhhh!!…So wethereyet?”
Myoldboss usedtosayhis
name was Fred West.
I would hit youbutyou’rea kidandI’mnot allowed to hit you.
“I’mgoingalloutf-ingSue Pollard when I’m old.”
“You
“Babeit’snotlike thatthough!I thoughtshewas mycousin,I’veonly recentlyfoundout she’snotmycousin!”
ain’t“Andevenifyoursausage workingmateyou havetorememberyour backuptools:tongueof deathmate.”
don’t need melatonin. I’ll tell you where you need to go if you think you need some melatonin. Leicester.”
I’mnotgoingsomeMighttothebeach.swallow kid’swe.
He’s26and hasonlyjusthad riceforthefirst time.
is“Thisissoexciting!This surroundedsoexciting!Ilovebeing bycleaning products!It'ssoexciting!”
“Iunderstandyou’ve gotsomethingvegan andglutenfree…round theback.”
“Ooh, me sunglasses are all full of rice.”
“Don’ttellmyson thathewon’tknow whoDBCooperis.He knowsexactlywhoDB Cooperis.”
heart,Hebrokemy Ibrokehis ankle.
windowsills.Ireallymiss
be“Stirfry…Idon’tthinkIcan
arsed to stir.” - Woman in Co-op looking at ready meals
“I can watch serious adult dramas with lesbians and that.”
Younggirl:“Ijusthadaverrucamoment.” Woman:“Youmean eureka?”
“Whyareyourfeetso youbloodydirty?Youlooklike Flintstone.”droveherewithFred “Iwanttokillmyself, butonlyforalittlebit.”
lookingWhatyou’re forisa nap.
Ican’twait togethome,sit down and eat some beans.
Man One Manchester?”:“Andyou’refromMan Two: “No, I’m from Mansfield” Man One: Oh. Is that like Manchester?”
“It’s always a shame when your alpacas come before your mother.”
Builder 1: “It was very big eh?”
Builder 2: “It was completely the wrong shape for my liking.”
You cannot make fun of Snodland when youpeoplehave Sneinton!
"We've had so many donations, we are having to widen our feminist area."
get"HowcomeIalways weatherreleasedjustasthe turns bad?"
Man 1: “Ireallywantto watch that film, what's it called, Old Man on a CountryRoad?”
Man 2: “You mean No CountryforOldMen?”
Man 1:“Ohyeah,that'sit.”
ThoseFrench, yeah?Theyeathorses. “Yes,Iknow.Snails aswell.” “Snailseathorses?
I want him totouchmy fallopiantube.
really“Dishwashers wonderfularesuchthings.”
"Therearebigger problemsintheworld thandogging,mum."
“Yeah,it’sreallybad,needed loads of stitches… Nah mate, I couldn’t be arsed with hospital.Ijustusedmemam’s sewingkit.”
Little girl: "I love Halloween, mummy." Mother: "Well, you shouldn't do because it's for Satan."
What? You’ve never licked a battery?
Natalie Imbruglia? Isn’t she Padme in Star Wars?”
Five-year-old lad filling in McDonald's puzzle: "Leave me alone, I'm at work."
“HowcanIwatch meback?”
Man on the phone: “Yeah, I said okie doke… It means okay… Yeah, it’s just a really old saying.”
Lecturer:“I'dliketostart byaskingeachofyouto introduceyourselvesandyour preferredname.I'llstart,I'm aProfessorhereandyoucan callmeMatt.”
Student:“I'mFergusandyoucancallmeFergalicious.”
Everything’s adildoifyou’re braveenough.
He’shadhis Henrycardtakenoff himcoshe’sbuying weed with it!
Man one: "Whatyougot me for Christmas?" Man two: "F**k all. It’s like Wollaton‘all,butwi’bigger windas."
"Idon'tknowwhyshelefther husbandforthisnewboyfriend. He'sminging.You'dhaveto keepyoureyesshut."
amum’sYeahmygetting machinenewwashing and crumbledryer.
divingIwentdeepwater andtheytold
buoyantmeIwasthemostpersonthey’d ever seen.
Teenage lad: "Doyou wannaknowwhatbeing shot or stabbed feels like orisitjustme?"
Havingaheart attack doesn’t make him a bad person.
Instructor at a Pilates class: "You can use the long or the short strap for this next move, the longer strap will make it slightly easier. It's only a few inches but we know that makes all the difference [winks]."
I love when the Grinch dressesinsexy outfits.
Student 1: "Is your song out yet?"
Student 2: "What, do you want her to sing it?"
Student 3: "Do you want her to do it aquapela on the bus?"
"Iwasjustmindingmyown business and he turned to me andaskedifIknewthelyricsto FettyWap."
"I wish I was rich enoughtohavea cocaine addiction."
don’tOh,please twerk. It’snotnecessary.
Ithoughthe wasgaybuthe’s actuallygota girlfriend!Turns outhe’sjustfrom Brighton.
Kid: “B*tches get stitches.”
Man moving trees: “I've poppedafewcherriesinthe back of the van.”
"Didyouseehow was?perfectthatdog'spoo I'mjealous."
Seven-year-old kid: “Mum, whydon'tyougetaboyfriend?” Mum's friend: “She'sgotone!” Mumandfriendlockeyesandclench jaws.Friendrepeatstheclaim.
No one’s butt pluggin’me.
Bluetooth,Idon’tneedI’ve gotdentures.
can’t“Myfirstname?You evenspellyourownfirstname!”
Girl 1: “Thatissoooogay.”
Girl 2: “Ermmm…. You can’t use the word gay like that anymore.”
Girl 1: “What? Shut up.
I’vegotalistoffavourite lesbians.”
“ARMS!They'rethe traditionalcuddling limbs.”
“Oh,goonthen.You pulledmyleg.”
Did you ever used waterboardto yourself?
coffee?”Shallwegraba
“I’venoteatenyet,I don’twanttofillup.
take“Yes,I’manincompoop,youcan’t “Mum,meanywhere!”that’sexactlythekindof phrasethat’llgetyoushanked.”
Drunk guy waiting for the bus at 2am: "I'vegottado someone'stattoowhenIget home.It'sonlyasmallone though."
I’m telling you, mate. I’m telling you. Spoons is not top tier. It’s not even on the tier.
Respectfully, your ex missus was a bit not the smartest.
Mantopigeon: "Alright,pidge?"
“Yourunlikeyou'remade
entirelyofelbows.”
Kid 1: “You are such a cheeseburger.”
Kid 2: “Wellyou'reapepperonipizza!”
doneThey’vealready
reckonanautopsybutI they’llneedtodoaninquisition.
He got so close to me he condensated my glasses.
Woman in Broadway to her friend, waiting for the film to start: “I’d love to be a film critic.” Friend: “Howcanyoubeafilm critic? You can never remember anyone’sname.Youcan’treview somethingsaying‘thingymagig, that was in wotsit’.”
“Seeyalaters…Gonnago getferalwiththefreakson theN34bus,mate.”
Buddhist,Hewasn’tvery hekept orderingDomino’s.
I
love a really soggy muffin.
"I’ve
never fed anyone a carrot in a sexy way before."
"I
think killing the government is quite ambitious."
"Thatgirlisaskingto
shit the bed."
"On a serious note, I haven't gearbeenabletocopmoregoth cosit'ssoexpensive."
"Ooh,I'mgonnagetthe
friedbuttermilkchicken burger…Whatisfried buttermilkchicken?"
aboutHaveyouguysheard those… [leans in] Shrek raves?
cousin…He’slostaleganda That’sbad.
"Why’s
it snowing in March, bro? I swear if it settles someone’s gonna get licked by a snowball."
"The kid literally thinks he's Spider-Man, it's dangerous."
"I’mtellingyouthisandyou’re goingtothinkI’mlying:but I’mthekingofMinecraftparody karaoke.Theking."
The problem is I get really bad butterfingers in the morning.
devious,You’renotyou’re justatwit.
"Ihatecleaning;love havingcleant."
Aah, Bo Peep was a G.
Man 1: “Mate, what's one plus one?”
Man 2: “Two.”
Man 1: “Nah, eleven.” Laughs uproariously.
"Fighting'snotabout size.Hecouldjustbite hisbollocksofffrom downthere."
Ireallyhopethey haveDoomBarin Magaluf.
“Ithoughtriverscouldn’trun northbecausenorthisuphill.”
Dean got run over again?
Kid: Runs towards the Left Lion. Mum: “No,don'tgonearthat. It'sgotweeonit.”
I was so battered I thought I saw a duck fly.
Little girl on the bus, no older than seven, in an exasperated voice to her younger brother: “You’vebeenanightmaretoday.”
"I love picking my scabby scalp."
“God,Ihateart.”
We’re supposed to be at a funeral, not talking about breast milk.
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