Word Count: 510 Diane Cardon Slow Train You've spent the last ten hours sitting straight in your seat, squeezed between two sleeping Chinese people and afraid to move in fear of disturbing them. Across from you, three
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 3:31 PM Comment [1]: A catchier title would definitely make readers want to spend time on this article. J
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 3:39 PM Comment [2]: Squished maybe?
more people play cards enthusiastically. They smiled at you when you first got on, but they realized that you don't speak a word of Chinese and quickly lost interest. A cart comes down the aisle, barely fitting between the seats, and the people sitting in the aisles have to push into your leg space in order to let it past. The owner of the cart loudly advertises his wares, looking
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 3:42 PM
pointedly at you because you are American and therefore must be rich, but you duck your head,
Deleted: the space meant for your legs
and he moves past.
Deleted: loudly
No one travels to China in order to experience the country's train system, yet many travelers end up on a train sometime during their trip. There are two kinds of trains: fast trains and slow trains. Aside from the obvious difference that fast trains go faster than slow trains, fast
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 2:46 PM Lexi Devenport 12/16/13 9:58 PM Comment [3]: This would be more effective in a parenthetical sense. Try “looking pointedly at you— after all, you are American and must be rich—but you duck your head…”
Lexi Devenport 12/16/13 9:58 PM Comment [4]: Try tightening your sentences by getting rid of any wordiness.
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 3:04 PM
trains are more expensive, less crowded, cleaner, and shinier than slow trains. It would certainly be tempting to take fast trains in all your travels through China, but as strange as it sounds, slowtrain rides can be some of the most interesting cultural experiences you can have while in the
Comment [5]: Are these fast trains and slow trains called anything specific in China?
Lexi Devenport 12/16/13 9:58 PM Comment [6]: Tighten this a bit. Try “Obviously, fast trains go faster than slow trains, but fast trains are also more expensive…”
Lexi Devenport 12/16/13 9:59 PM
country, especially since you're likely to be the only American on the entire train. Slow trains are crowded and noisy, but people take them because they can get you
Comment [7]: How about something more creative, like, “more expensive, less crowded, much cleaner, and lots shinier.”
Lexi Devenport 12/16/13 10:00 PM
halfway across the country for less than 20 US dollars. The train companies sell tickets not only
Comment [8]: I like this sentence! Try spending more time in the rest of your article talking about how trains are cultural experiences.
for seats in the train, but for the privilege to stand in the aisle. People with "standing tickets" are
Deleted: the equivalent of US$20
left to their own devices to stake out a place for themselves somewhere in the train. They bring newspapers to sit on and set up camp in the rest room area, bring multicolored folding stools and
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 3:32 PM Lexi Devenport 12/16/13 10:00 PM Comment [9]: Why is standing in the aisle a privilege? Be specific.
set up in the aisle, or simply brace themselves to stand for the long hours of the ride. And rides can be very long—up to thirty or forty hours with no opportunity to get off the
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 3:47 PM Comment [10]: Redundant. See previous phrase.
Lexi Devenport 12/16/13 10:00 PM
train, even to stretch one's legs. There's not much opportunity to walk around either, what with
Comment [11]: Good transition
people all along the aisle. Even a trip to the end of the car to use the bathroom takes a
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considerable amount of planning, effort, and head bobbing while apologetically blurting duibuqi ("sorry") to everyone you’re stepping on during your trek. When night comes, the car finally grows silent as people attempt to sleep. Just hope you're the kind of person who can sleep in less than ideal conditions because the lights stay on all night and unless you're lucky enough to get an aisle seat the only place to rest your head is against the back of your chair or against the Chinese
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 2:49 PM Lexi Devenport 12/16/13 10:01 PM Comment [12]: The use of the second person is appropriate for this essay; make sure you use it throughout the entire essay.
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 3:27 PM Deleted: of your head
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 3:28 PM Deleted: saying
Lexi Devenport 12/16/13 10:01 PM Comment [13]: I tried to make this sentence more concise, but anything that makes it flow better would be great.
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 3:26 PM
person next to you—that is, if they're not already using you as an impromptu pillow.
Deleted: that you've accidentally
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 3:26 PM Deleted: ed
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 3:29 PM Deleted: start trying
Lexi Devenport 12/16/13 10:01 PM Comment [14]: Try “Just hope you a sound sleeper…”
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 3:31 PM Deleted: ,
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 3:31 PM Deleted: ,
Lexi Devenport 12/16/13 10:02 PM Comment [15]: This is such an interesting article! You make it fun and easy to read. Try putting more emphasis on China and why the trains there are different from other trains. Is there scenery? Are there different cultural aspects that Americans wouldn’t understand? Things like that.
Lexi Devenport 5/28/13 2:50 PM Deleted: --