The Power of Love

A Wisdom Melody,

“THE POWER OF LOVE," Enables Sacred Consciousness

Louise Hahn Dillon, DST

© Louise Hahn Dillon, DST July 11, 1991 Milpitas, Ca. 95035 All Rights Reserved

Contents Prologue

3

Chapter I

9 9 9 10 14 16 21 28 28 36 39 41 41 44 45 47 52 61 65 71 73 74 74 83 86 86 89 89 90 90 95 96 97 97 99 100 101

THE ATMOSPHERE OF MY FORMATIVE YEARS Humble Beginnings High Country Hailed-out Homeless Innocence & Drama (Poem) The Desert Chapter II IN PURSUIT OF RELIGION From Catholic Dogma to Pierre Teilhard de Chardin Wisdom Melody, the Song of the Future The Bond of Pure Love, Mystical Friendship Chapter III PURE LOVE'S MOMENT, INFINITY The Womb of Creation, the Light and the Word Infused Love, Humility, and Worship My Emotional Response to Experience of God Enter Paradox Integration of Mysticism The Bible and Other Mystics Mystic's Direct Experience of God Revelations in the Infinite Reality Aftermath of Joy and Pain Chapter IV UNSILENCED RELIGIOUS DEVELOPMENT Progress, Decline, and Politics Religion Communication of the Secreted and the Denied Chapter V RELIGION GOD Consciousness Evolution Chapter VI MYSTICISM’S PREMISES REDEFINED Love Redefined Sacred Consciousness Defined Analysis of Sacred Consciousness as It Happened Finite Consciousness Redefined Revelation Redefined Consciousness Evolution Defined Chapter VII PURE HUMAN PROGRESS Religion Grounded in Direct Experience of God The Future of Reverent Wonder GLOSSARY INDEX 2

PROLOGUE _______________________________________

All of the spiritual feelings we have direct us to making connections with one another and with God. My life made profound connections thirty-three years ago. First, I felt at one with a group of friends. Next, I found myself using an autonomous new level of consciousness. I call this consciousness Mystical because it opened me to the amazing connection of God's Self disclosure. The disclosure opened out in the center of my translucent appearing body. First a dark energy formed in my center from which rays of light emitted. I was transfigured in radiating light while the Word identified “Womb (dark energy,)” “Jesus,” “Awe (relationship),” and “God.” When normal consciousness returned I was joy filled, blessed, humbled, prayerful, and overwhelmed by the Holy mystical experience.

While science is inventing evermore precise energy viewing microscopes, the human consciousness is evolving to the Mystical perception of Infinite Energy, Light, and Word.

Even though I previously studied Catholic theology and dogma for many years, I was totally unprepared to recognize or integrate this one experience. Before my experience, I knew nothing of mysticism. When I broached the subject of mysticism parish priests looked at me with suspicion or disdain. They became silent or said, "We don't talk about that. Stick to the only truth, the Bible." Needless to say, the spiritual joy and gift of my Holy experience was balanced with the human pain of isolation, nonacceptance, and years of feeling detached from the community where I had been so active.

You see, there is no turning back from either enlightenment or insight. Once having a profound experience it changes life completely. In spiritual ways life is enriched beyond imagination. Who would ever think human persons could experience immanent God? I went through a prayer filled integration process where endless and imperative questions arose from the central experience. Who caused this (I didn’t think I was holy enough)? How could this Happen? Where does this happen? Why did this happen to me?

What does God’s message-revelation mean for my life--for all human life? Finally, I asked a long time friend and psychologist if he was aware of similar experiences. He referred me to mystics who wrote in the past. I began my many years of researching Mystics’ experiences of Union with God. I feel at home studying the mystics even though their meaning is presented in 3

antiquated ways. I feel connected to the mystics in similar experience of God. This ongoing study is prayerful and rewarding because it is verification of my experience.

Studies of mystics’ added to my conviction that mystical experience has definitive elements of pattern, autonomy, the Holy, and evolution. Mysticism is innate within God’s enabled evolution and our Sacred consciousness is just awakening to its realization.

Synchronicity at work, I was introduced to a Jesuit philosopher Timothy Fallon who helped me learn about Bernard Lonergan's, Insight: A Study of Human Understanding. Lonergan’s transcendental method encouraged me to deepen my own questions and understanding. While researching and studying mysticism over the past thirty-three years, I have gleaned insights of spiritual meaning and value for all aspects of life.

My main purpose in writing about my life is to allow mysticism it’s rightly defined and Holy place in God’s enabled evolution of human life. All the spiritual feelings we have direct us toward mystical experience which is Union with God. Union with God is the ultimate connection. Sacred consciousness is innate in all human kind and when evolved opens a person to experience Immanent God’s self-disclosure.

Through Sacred consciousness we experience God’s disclosure as Union with God in the very center of our self. Immanent God opens out Divine darkness, Trinitarian Light, and the Word in our center or nucleus. God is always present; our sacred consciousness opens ourselves to God. Wanting to see the development of religion and sacred consciousness in historical perspective, I designed a chronological chart, Western Mysticism, in 1972. The right side of the chart shows names of people who experienced God, also prominent philosophers and scientists are shown because they were active in guiding the shape of religion. The left side of the chart shows works and organizations of religious importance.

It soon became clear that few people after Biblical time’s recorded direct experience of God and some of those wrote anonymously. Part of the secrecy was out of the fashion to be humble but anonymity was necessary also, because it was not healthy to admit being a mystic. The scarcely recorded Mystical experiences began thousands of years ago. New questions arose. Why had I never heard of Sacred consciousness before my experience? Why was this holy experience secreted? Why didn't this leap to Sacred consciousness follow evolutions’ natural course and quickly develop worldwide in all humanity? The same year I worked on the chronological chart, I vowed to help revive Western Mysticism and give it its Holy place.

From my own experience I know what direct experience of God is and I know what it is not to have direct experience of God. My new and amazingly complex Sacred consciousness was necessary to penetrate infinity. There, God revealed the Womb of creation, the Light, and the Word within the center of my greater Self. This ground of being is immanent God flowing through my greater Self.

I find similar elements of my central experience in the Bible and other mystic's accounts. However, past accounts are not really clear because they lack process or sequential unfolding. From my detailed memory, I am able to articulate the process of mystical elements before, during, and after Sacred consciousness of God. Since my central experience, I see numerous religious precepts in a new light.

These precepts need opening to questioning, discussion, and sharing. Sharing experiences will establish 'the way.' Mysticism, religion's true power will become accessible to the populace eventually. Humanity has never been in the position to experience evolution 4

within their very selves. Individually or culturally we can either welcome consciousness evolution or put it off. ?

Sacred consciousness developed in my very individual yet normal housewifery life. Sacred consciousness developed by a spiritual turn I took not because there was a known support structure for its development. I show how I focused on religious study and teaching of Catholic theology, prayer and dogma. Then, Teilhard De Chardin's view of evolution fascinated me and deepened my spiritual life.*** Also, insights and growth in enabling love formed out of my wisdom melody, “the power of love” of continual prayer.

Teilhard’s idea of love and Mystical friendships deepened my focus on love. This focus lasted about a year prier to my central experience. So, my study, prayer, wisdom melody, and mystical friendships were notches on the key opening or evolving my Sacred consciousness.

Next, my power of love had a pure moment and Sacred consciousness activated out of my unimagined but innate potential. This new consciousness penetrated the infinite dimension. The finite world and my body were eclipsed during the mystical experience.

At the time of the transfiguring experience the finite world was eclipsed by the Sacred consciousness. Eclipsing does not mean the finite consciousness is not operating. After all, each body cell has a consciousness operating all the time and we are not aware of it.

The eclipse clears the way for the new infinite experience to unfold free of finite detail.

Sacred consciousness eclipses the finite world to expose the Infinite reality. Our ordinary consciousness is not able to set itself aside completely nor is it able to make the leap to the Infinite reality.

Coming from my experience 'putting Moses in the cleft of a rock', is to say he was hidden from the finite. “Shielding you with my hand while I pass by” is saying the finite is shielded or eclipsed by the new consciousness which observes God 'passing by'...or flowing out of the Godhead. When the experience is over...God takes the hand (eclipse) away and the experienced sees the back of God or has the memory of experiencing God's Glory and name in Word, “God." Now, the Womb of creation displayed itself in the Immanent center of my translucent body. Rays of perpetual Light flowed outward from the womb. I was Transfigured in Light. Meanwhile, the Words “womb”, “Jesus”, “awe”, and “God” were revealed as they identified the unfolding Light. The final Word “God” was spoken when Trinitarian Light enveloped me.

Afterward, I returned to normal finite consciousness. My spiritual life was totally enriched by God's Revelation. To this day my memory of direct, personal experience of God in 1967 remains crystal clear. The Revelation does not grow dim.

During the six months after my central experience I was infused with love, reverent wonder, humility, and tears of gratefulness. Devotion is enhanced by additional insights to greater understanding of my personal relationship with God. The main insights concern peoples’ relationship to God, each other, and the universe. I realize everyone, indeed everything is formed Divine out of the power of love's womb of creation. God infuses us with Holiness at the very ground of our being.

Because we are a culture in denial about Sacred consciousness of God, I had little help integrating my profound experience. There is a need for a cultural support structure to develop Sacred consciousness and to help integrate its experience, in the future.

Are we ready for sacred consciousness? I say yes.

I hope to energize this blocked area of spiritual evolution by showing my own 5

mystical development. Unknowingly, I took the right steps to evolve spiritually. I didn’t know I primed myself for a breakthrough. Teilhard thought we are evolved enough to intend our further evolution. He said people are in charge of and responsible for their own evolution and that the next step in evolution would be in consciousness. We are very good at expanding our complex finite consciousness but we need to accept the evidence of mystics’ records that show evolution to Sacred consciousness. Mystics’ consciousness opens themselves to the Infinite reality. I found Sacred consciousness beyond meditation, drug altercation, ecstasy, feelings, dreams, visions or hallucinations. In fact, the elements of Sacred consciousness are as great a leap in evolution as from simple animal consciousness to intelligent human consciousness.

At this point in human development we will be satisfied with nothing less than to intend evolution in such a way as to experience our own evolution. Comparatively new Sacred consciousness is a beacon in the universe. We can purposely open our energies to evolve in this direction. The first step is accepting the possibility of Sacred consciousness. The second step is reverent wonder. The third step is the discipline of pure love.

I was born to reverent wonder. The setting was a harsh but, love based family. We lived close to nature's rhythms of beauty, grandeur, and chaos. The total exposure to nature’s atmosphere permeated my eager intellect like a flash storm sops the desert dust.

My story shows both progress and decline within my own life. My growth sprouted through both encouragement and denial. Paradox is very apparent. I gradually became my own person, a survivor.

Later my integrity satiated a tenacious search for supreme value. This search took me to, 'truth' beyond the doctrine of the Catholic Church. I discovered Pierre Teilhard de Chardin's "tendency of finite particles to unite and evolve." His science of the minute paralleled my idea of the nourishing love in motherhood calling the child out.

I was fascinated by the idea of God enabled evolution, as a universal. Pierre Teilhard de Chardin described basic cosmic energy (primal love) as drawing primal matter, cells, and humans to a new dimension by organizing, synthesizing, and embracing. Cosmic energy itself becomes more complex until it is human love. This is the working of love in God humbled evolution. Human love more organized, synthesized, and embracing is pure love. Pure love’s power activates and self directs as the natural medium of human evolution. The power of love generates and opens the greater Self to complex Sacred consciousness that experiences God or Omega.

Thus, my life eventually focused. I endeared the value, the power of pure love.

Only pure nourishing love enables freedom and touchstones for reverent wonder which called out my true being.

My full outer life united with my spiritual seeking. This concordance opened me to mystery. Continued development and circumstance brought pure love more and more into focus. Then a surprising breakthrough was accomplished by my autonomous shift of consciousness mode. The shift was to new Sacred consciousness that easily observed my Self-formation out of Infinity. Here, I discovered the Light and the Word of Eternity within my Self. This experience became my persistent genius for redefining my life and my religion.

My profound experience energized reverence for the unity of my spiritual and my outer life. A bond of harmony generated within myself. Respect for my outer life came from full participation in my spiritual Center. I began to understand, at this point in 6

human development, we will be satisfied with nothing less than evolving in such a way as to experience our own evolution. The evolved consciousness returns to the creator. This enjoyment is the blessed fruition of humanity.

"Love...Delights in the truth... ...Once perfection comes, All imperfect things will disappear.

Now we are seeing a dim reflection in a mirror But then we shall be seeing face to face.

The knowledge I have now is imperfect But then I shall know as fully as I am known."

1 Corinthians 6:10.11 "The soul is right in daring to say May the vision of your beauty be my death?

Since she knows that at the instant she sees this beauty She will be carried away by it And absorbed in this very beauty And transformed in this same beauty And made beautiful like this beauty itself ...And enriched and provided for like this very beauty."

Saint John of the Cross, Canticle 11:11 "He [God] will bring her [soul,] To the highest perfection of union With the Son of God her spouse ...And transformed in Him through love.

In this union she experiences such closeness to Him And is so instructed and wise in His mysteries That as for knowing Him in this life she has no need to say Where have you hidden beloved."

Saint John of the Cross, p.420 "We do not desire to be despoiled of flesh But to be clothed over in Glory."

Saint John of the Cross, p.451 The Bible and the written personal experience of Transfigured mystics, such as John of the Cross, expose Sacred consciousness’ experiences of God although their writing is clouded in obscure words and anonymity.

Current mystics, especially like Teilhard de Chardin, are inspiration for seekers because they are impassioned by experiences of God. However, Teilhard was forbidden to teach or write so he shrouded his mystical experience in scientific and poetic effusion.

Many illuminated mystics, down through history, found it necessary to veil their writing so it could squeeze past censors. The censors were the inquisitor, imprimatur, and continuing powers whose job it was to preserve the end of Revelation. Censorship defended the organized church's power. ***give evidence Church dogma based power necessitated Jesus’ Biblical Revelation to be propounded as the only truth. Further revelation by mystics was regarded heretical. The inquisition dealt with mystics who wouldn’t be silenced through threats.

When there was a breakthrough to a new level of evolution it should soon show up in other persons' experience. Evolution usually demonstrates a synchronicity of 7

readiness. Why then, did I have an experience of consciousness that I previously knew nothing about? Before my central experience, I studied religion, yet Sacred consciousness was hidden by orthodox imprimaturs from my desire to know.

Even when I experienced the new level of consciousness anyway, there was no touchstone available for integration. Eventually, I realized I could be the needed touchstone for aspirants in the future by opening out description, explanation, and insights about Sacred consciousness evolution.

After thirty-three years, I feel like shouting out of Holy energy, “The biblical story continues.” I've made a fortuitous decision to write my story in the face of the overzealous. It would be dishonest and destructive to deny the strengths, the joys, the insights, and the pains that came out of my experience of God’s disclosure. Further, modern Revelation may open a more meaningful future for those I love. Once more, grounding religion in Sacred consciousness of God bridges over the continual denials from antiquity’s “END OF REVELATION” to modernity.

My work brings a new premise to religion: Innate Sacred consciousness is evolving within humanity. We can learn to intend Sacred consciousness’ evolution, delineate its operations, perceive Infinite Reality, and use its memory deposits to recall the elements of direct experience of God. Bernard Lonergan’s transcendental precepts could continuously develop reliable theology from compilations of each person's experience of God.

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Chapter I THE ATMOSPHERE OF MY FORMATIVE YEARS ________________________________________________ Humble Beginnings

Now that I'm 75 years old I look back at a rather eventful life. I love the child of my young life, feel proud of its strength, and am awed by its ability to cope. There are experiences of rural poverty, chaos, and helplessness dominating my naive young life.

My Father came to the United States from Germany in 1910. German discipline, hard work, thrift, and fear of God already impressed his young life. Children in Germany were apprenticed with families of different trades; sometimes they lived with the apprenticing family. When Dad was 13 years old his mother became ill. Subsequently, he was sent from Germany to live with relatives Aunt Elder and Uncle Anthony Keisler in Wet Mountain Valley, Colorado. Although there were many hardships in store for him, Dad's young dream of coming to the states was realized.

Dad found his Uncle Anthony unaccustomed to young people and unrealistic in his demands. Meanwhile, Dad started school and worked on Uncle Joe Keisler's farm.

Uncle Joe was so strict Dad soon left school and his new home to 'make it on his own.'

He used intelligence and creativity in adapting to a new culture, language, and manhood.

During much traveling, prejudicial treatment, being taken advantage of by older, tougher men and the experience of various jobs Dad acquired broken English. Then he worked several years at mechanical, which was his aptitude and structural labor when he was promoted to foreman. With his pride intact he visited his uncles in Colorado. That is where he first met Mary, my mother to be. They were smitten with love. He went back to his job in Arizona but after six months he returned to marry her.

High Country Later, after only a short sojourn in Arizona where Dad's job was, Mom hated the desert, became homesick and they returned to Colorado. They went to Mom’s, homesteaded in the high country of Wet Mountain Valley, about 10,000 ft, near where Mom's people lived. Mom loved the high mountains, the wilderness and the springtime's abundant beds of wild columbines, crocuses, buttercups, and daisies. She often hiked or rode on horseback into the thicket of the forests where there were only wild sounds and the colors of nature.

Mom's parental background was Austrian born of a proud people with some royalty in the family. Her people settled in the “Alps” of Colorado where the climate was similar to 'the old country'. Their new life was simple hard work on a family farm 9

supplemented by her father’s winter time coalmine labor.

Mom's family was Catholic. Mom always had great devotion to Mary, the blessed mother. I learned recently, she had a vision of Mary the day before she received her first Holy Communion at the age of 6 years. When I was just a baby, a neighbor gave us her monthly copies of The Sacred Heart Messenger. This was the only reading material we had and Mom read each new issue to us from cover to cover.

Back to the farm...Along with using the homestead for pasture, Mom and Dad bought a farm nearby with a beautiful open meadow. The area was called Jenken's Park at an altitude of 10,500 feet. This is where I was born the 5th of seven children.

Our house was a log cabin not more than 20 feet long by 12 feet wide. It had a very small lean-to on one end of the building for milk and equipment storage. There was a kitchen and one bedroom for living quarters. Needless to say, the eight of us were crowded when we were all in the house at night and during the bitter cold of winters.

We all slept in two beds. The babies slept with Mom and Dad. We children slept together with the boys at one end and the girls at the other end. The common night soil pot was near by. We used out-house for toilet during the day.

Dad and a young man named George Vanhorn bought a saw to mill their own timber for building. They soon were able to build a barn on our farm that was larger than our house. It was just three or four feet from our bedroom. I guess we were used to the odious smell. It was German frugality to build the barn onto the house. This permitted warmth to transmit the walls and the farm animals were close to attend with feed and water during the cold winter months.

Hailed-out Dad had already started the local rock foundation for a grand new house when his persistence to make the farm provide had to be given up. Unfortunately, several spring crops of potatoes, peas, and hay were pelted with hail just when they started to grow.

This pelting was called 'hailed-out', by the locals.

The expense of new seed and replanting to a late start soon depleted our funds.

There were other mishaps like when a brother left the cellar door open and our winter supply of potatoes froze. Another time Betty, my older sister, was churning butter, the churn fell over, and 3 gallons of thick cream ran all over the kitchen floor then down the ramp into the bedroom. The cream penetrated the floor plank cracks causing a stale sour odor to develop. The odor wasn't from lack of scrubbing. The problem was mostly under the floor where nothing could be done.

Dad was anguished by the worry of many mouths to feed and often had bursts of raging temper. He was physically abusive toward anything or anyone hampering his plans to meet his heavy responsibilities. Mom would try to protect us children by throwing herself between Dad and a target child. Sometimes she took us away from the house until 'things' settled down.

The pain Mom suffered at seeing us kids abused was harder on us than the floggings. Rage was also directed toward her in both verbal and physical abuse. When things were thrown it was hard to tell who would get hurt.

We left Jenken's park to find a better life when I was about three years old. We moved with a team of horses pulling the spring wagon, manure spreader, and hay wagon 10

with rack sides. These vehicles were all attached to each other, strung out in a row with crates of chickens and farm equipment piled on top.

One cow was tied to the wagon train and the others followed along behind her.

The cows were named: Daisy, Snowball, Rose, Virginia and Alice. We had four horses, Jack, Queen, Shorty and Colonel and two mules, Jack and Pete. Pete lay down and died one day during the move.

We had a Model-T Ford truck carrying our household furnishings. When we started our move to lower elevation, all the family except my older brother Carl rode in the truck. Carl, then 12 years old, drove the team pulling the wagon train. Carl had to move at animal pace so we waited for him every several miles. Then he and Dad would adjust things and give the animals a rest. After two days travel we arrived In the small town of Hooper where we added a mean pig and piglets to the menagerie.

Our few precious items like a wedding present of 16 piece led crystal glassware, a mahogany dining table, kitchen cabinets with a tilt-out bin for flour, and a mounted deer head, not necessary to survival, were left here and there. Dad promised Mom we would gather the items up when we had a place to live. We never saw those lovely things again because we were far afield when we had the stability of a home. We felt sorry for Mom and older sister Betty who mourned the loss of the only pretty things we had.

This first move took us to a lower elevation where my parents worked in fields and we raised some crops. This venture was temporary.

Next, we moved to Monte Vista, still in Colorado, where Dad started a used car business. In those days putting a hole through the engine wrecked old car engines and the vehicle was taken to the junkyard. Dad was innovative. He salvaged some of these cars, dismantled them to sell parts. Other parts he fitted together to sell as used cars. He worked long hours at his shop and the older boys helped him after school. He was a hard taskmaster and abusive whipping was often my older brothers' lot.

Perhaps I was lucky to be a small child while our plight was so drastic for the older members of the family. I did feel left out of the important things. All the older members were busy with important tasks or discussing arrangements.

My older sister Betty took care of us small children while our parents worked.

One dreadful day, my baby brother choked and died while Betty fed him. She was only 9 years old when this tragedy happened. I'm sure I was on the scene and effected by the pain although I have no particular memory of it, being little more than a toddler.

The sudden death brought much grief for everyone and little understanding on my part. I sensed the pain of everyone and the utter loss of beautiful golden hared Georgie. I was 'protected' from Georgie's death because of my age. I didn't attend the funeral. This was the beginning of my feeling left out. I learned later that Mom told us that baby Georgie had a deformed throat. This helped Betty alleviate self-blame and the overwhelming sadness of his death.

Mom bore seven children either by midwife or by a country doctor who came to our home. We children were always hushed and expectant, not knowing exactly what was going on but knew it was something important. There was unfamiliar hustle, seriousness and secrecy centered on a curtained bedroom. Mom nursed all of the babies. I was jealous when it was my turn to observe these close moments. The story goes that I bit Georgie's finger really hard one day when I was especially jealous. Also, I barely ate anything for a couple of months, because I was so jealous.

Mom was hard working from early morning until late at night. She was always 11

ready with bodily affection and kindness. She became childlike on occasion, was even fun loving and a little foolish. At these times Dad would mumble “humbug.” I think he secretly enjoyed hearing the laughter and play.

Mom had a beautiful voice and often sang while working. She had regal bearing with a lovely face and figure. I'm sure her girlhood's youthful dreams had not imagined her being a virtual slave to a large family.

Sometimes, Mom had to do odious things around the farm. One day the cows were grazing in a forbidden alfalfa pasture and they were bloating. Mom was the only adult home. She knew the way to save the cows from bloating death was to stab them in the stomach with a large knife. She courageously made use of this fierce method. The gas and alfalfa goo shot out splattering all over her. She did this operation to all six of the cows. The cow’s wounds healed within a week. However, Mom would shiver when she talked about the traumatic incident years later.

Some of Mom's brothers were very possessive and didn't like Dad. Part of their dislike was their Austrian, German prejudice. They were not neighborly where they could have been helpful. Perhaps Dad would have had a better chance to make the farm support our family if circumstances had been different. Because, he was so creative, had a variety of experiences, and was hard working.

Dad was the object of many people’s prejudice especially in his early married years. This was during World War I when ostracizing German people was common. Dad told us he dared not teach us German because that would cause prejudice against us children. He told us never to let anyone know we were German.

We always knew when Dad faced big problems because Mom would tell us to maintain quiet and there was to be no laughter even at the dinner table. How we obeyed! I felt frustrated not knowing what caused the strained atmosphere but I feared Dad, so I was silent and dutiful.

I loved pleasing him and was shaken when I didn't quite measure up. Like one time when I couldn't get my shoes tied. We had returned from town and Dad told me to stay in the car until I learned to tie my shoes. Everyone went into the house without me and I struggled with my shoes for a very long time. I was in tears.

Then I couldn't get the car door open and I became frantic. It was getting dark that pitch black of a country night without a moon. Finally, brother Eddie came to get me. He cautioned me about sobbing and helped me compose myself before we entered the house.

We were late to dinner, which brought on another scolding.

Perhaps that night I had one of my recurring dreams about being on a long narrow precipice feeling great uneasiness as I looked down on all sides, seeing only frothy clouds far below and distant vague outlines of something not clear. In retrospect I see this dream representing part of my child awed by the business and authority of everyone older.

I don't have vivid memory of my first year in school. Again shyness was an excruciating problem. I remember getting on the school bus with my brothers and sister.

I clung to Betty on seeing the schoolyard filled with children and large buildings looming behind them. The other children were yelling, roughhousing, and playing games.

I didn't want to be separated from Dewey either; he was my best friend. We shared everything together. We always tried to figure out ages and thinking we could catch up to some of our older friends. Dewey and I planned to be married when we grew up. We would also marry other people.

Mom later told me that I memorized books and everyone thought I could read but 12

all I could do was remember pictures and words that went with the picture. My shyness and poor clothing caused uncomfortable situations at school that would prompt dreams of losing my seat at school, not knowing where I should be for events, and various frustrating experiences. These types of dreams are still prevalent in my senior years.

I remember polishing shoes. There was tension when we dressed to go anywhere.

We had so few clothes. Mom made dresses for Betty and I out of flour sacks that had a print on them. Mom took her sewing machine from place to place with us. Dad gave haircuts to all of us. We dared not move or fidget while we sat on the stool with a worn out shirt tied around our shoulders. Dad always expected a lot of him and pressured us to hurry, not waste time, and not to be foolish. He appeared to find humor worthless.

I caught glimpses of Dad, sometimes as late as two or three in the morning, sitting on the edge of his chair, straining forward to read or sketch projects by the light from the open door of the wood cook stove fire. I was amazed at his intensity and his eager expression. I occasionally stood in the shadows watching him. Sometimes he would sketch an invention and I would rise early in the morning to peruse the papers.

Mom had the habit of nagging. She was always after us to do this or that. Then she would repeat over and over some reprimand for a mistake. I decided early on not to be a nag when I grew up. The only physical punishment she inflicted was a knuckle rap on the head. Somehow she would double her fist up, stick her second finger knuckle out and rap, rap on the head of a naughty one. She did this with the speed of lightening. The receiver of the blow saw a flash of light and experienced sharp pain.

Mom's good qualities were abundant, fortunately. She always hovered around us cautioning and comforting us. She was a great stabilizer, on whose direction we younger children depended. Dad usually told her to tell us this or that and if we didn't mind we were threatened with discipline from Dad. There was an odd form of balancing because in the end Mom protected us from Dad's abusiveness. If he became violent she would throw herself between him and the child.

Mom had migraine headaches. She occasionally saw flashes of light and vomited.

Mom's teeth were painful also. We all knew when she had a toothache because oil of cloves aroma spread through the house. This oil was used to deaden the tooth nerve. Or perhaps the cloves made the area so painful the tooth pain seemed less. She lost several teeth during pregnancies and it would be years until we would have money for any of us to visit the dentist. Mom often smiled with closed lips because she was self-conscious about her appearance. She had been a beauty, poor mom. I was 18 years old before I went to a dentist who told me I had the whitest teeth he had seen and that I had no cavities. Not visiting a dentist and having a virtually sugar free diet had worked out well for me.

Occasionally when I was tense or confused I would end up in tears. All of us children were told wives’ tales or that we were good or bad depending on our parents' judgement of our actions. We began early on to put ourselves in their categories...This was truth to our young minds. We lived a strict authoritarian life style; I never thought of complaining. Most of my thoughts were kept to myself.

We were a close knit family group in many ways. We were honest, God fearing people. We children were all taught simple prayers like Our Father and Hail Mary.

Occasionally all of us prayed together in a circle near the lamplight. Our knees were hard against the wooden floor of the kitchen as we leaned folded hands on wooden chair seats.

I wonder if there was anything significant in my spiritual life when I was young. I remember Mom saying that Georgie stood up in bed with his arms outstretched one night.

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She thought he looked like an angel. The next day she was notified that her father had died during the night. She was sure Georgie knew what happened and showed her a sign.

I always felt connected to the mystery and beauty of nature. This enchantment is still very real. Because we lived with the rhythms of nature, we learned to closely observe contours of the earth, growing things, and seasons. Even as an adult I know where various fruit trees are located if they are on public property: as well as, when the fruit will be ripe. We were always aware of spring and creek locations and their quality. Our life depended on water sources. Intimacy with and dependency on the natural exuded a purity and reverence for the creator.

I do remember preparing to make my first Holy Communion when about six years old. First communion time was very special and only occurred once a year. Uppermost in my mind was the caution that I shouldn't chew the host because Jesus 'would bleed' in my mouth. The tragedy that Eddy, my older brother, drank some water (water and food were forbidden in the morning before receiving holy communion), and he would have to wait another year for his first communion is clear in my recollection.

I probably blocked out the memory of being up front in the church because of my painful shyness. There are lots of gaps in my memory of those days so I know what I do remember is the bearable times. By this time my personality was probably formed. So I was to be a survivor, shy, inquisitive, and very alert to heavy authority.

I became a support or amiable type person. Perhaps this was part of the shyness or my survival tactics but being amiable does seem natural to me. If someone has a need I respond with a surge of energy. Perhaps that is why raising children was such a joy. I always had enough energy to provide for needs and persevered with a nourishing attitude toward the children no matter what the situation. Many nights I walked the floor with a sick child held close. I always felt privileged to give comfort. This was a time of silent prayer, feeling God present with us.

I was an early riser looking forward to the children's getting up. I loved greeting each of them in a special way. Prayer time would close the day with closeness when I sat on the edge of their bed and prayed with them.

Homeless Back to childhood...When we moved near Monte Vista we lived in an old but very sturdy brick schoolhouse that was abandoned for the new school in town. We put cloth partitions on rope fixed to walls as an attempt to give the eight of us some semblance of privacy. The sleep areas were dark with narrow paths between huge beds.

There was coal oil lamp light at crowded, noisy mealtimes with plain food stacked high on our plates, especially on my brothers' plates. I was always amazed at how much they ate. Mom baked many loaves of bread each week. On occasion she made raised donuts from bread dough.

To make these donuts she pinched off a small round of dough from the large mound, poked a hole in the middle of it, and gently slid it into a skillet of deep sizzling fat. The dough quickly browned on one side then it was turned over. When one donut was golden brown mom deftly hooked it with a fork, let the fat drip a bit then rolled it in cinnamon sugar. The next child in line grabbed their donut as soon as it was cool enough to handle.Yum! These hot crunchy donuts were the only sweets we had for years.

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In the summertime my sister and I relieved the crowded house by sleeping comfortable and warm with our bed in the barn lean-to. One night we awoke to eerie, unfamiliar sounds. We were afraid and frustrated by the pitch-black night that refused to shed light on what was happening. We scurried out of bed. I stood shivering while Betty stumbled through the night to the house for help.

Mom came running with a coal-oil lamp. We saw our gray cat giving birth to five adorable squirming kittens. We had mixed feelings because of the yucky mess on our bed from the delivery. We let the cat family have our bed for the night. Betty and I squeezed into a crowded bed in the house with our brothers.

I often raided the vegetable garden to eat raw vegetables. Then I wouldn't eat at mealtime. This caused great frustration for my regulating parents. At Monte Vista we always had a large garden that was watered from the beautiful artesian well that shot water three feet above the 4-inch diameter pipe that rose straight out of the ground.

The perpetual action of the fountain fascinated me. I spent many hours playing in the pond and investigated the life it sustained. We shoe skated on the pond ice in the winter. I still have a warm feeling about the marvelous area and the crystal spring with huge cottonwoods nearby. That old school house and large yard had drawbacks but in many ways was ideal for raising our large family.

My friend, Dewey, and I were five years old, inseparable and inquisitive. There were days of running through meadows barefoot, with squashy wet sod underfoot. When we went as far as the thick willows by the creek we could barely see our houses in the distance and we felt adventurous. As we ran here and there meadowlarks would flush and we would quickly examine their nest eggs and be on our way.

The bossy cow would stare us down and off we would go in another direction. We were always playing and yet, serious. We made a miniature farm at the base of a large tree. We didn't have toys but drove stick cars down tiny dirt roads and under sprawling roots. We spent many hours in this special place. There was something magical about our huge tree with its large trunk going endlessly skyward and its huge roots sinking into the rich, moist soil.

We were creative about play/learning; one day in Dewey's dairy barn we went into a milking stall. Dewey got on his hands and knees. He was the cow and I milked.

Nothing white squirted out so we knew his little dingler didn't give milk. This moment remains warm and dear in my memory.

Another time we danced nude with our bare feet in the soft dust and the warm sun on our backs. Mom appeared and I noticed a fleeting smile that quickly changed to stern lips. She spanked our bare bottoms, had us dress, and sent Dewey home. Then my little friend and I didn't see each other for a long, lonely time. It was probably about a week.

There was to be a traumatic discipline about natural childhood body discovery a year later causing me to collapse from fright. By this time we had moved to Valdez, New Mexico, Mom found several of us cousins learning about our bodies. Actually we were trying to relate the noun pea with the verb, to pee. We were familiar with fresh peas in the pod from seeing them in our garden and from shelling them for meals. This fateful day we children were experimenting and relating. I remember seeing three little peas in a vulva that was much the same shape as a pea pod. All of a sudden Mom and Aunt Rose appeared and fury took place like a whirlwind.

Mom screamed at me, the oldest one, "None of the other children [hers] were this bad." She jerked and dragged me to the edge of the ferocious rain swollen Arroyo Honda 15

River (we were all scared to death of the rain swollen and branch laden river and had been cautioned about drowning in the swift current). Now, she threatened to throw me in.

I fainted from fear ending up in a heap on the ground.

For months afterward I was frightened and felt everyone thought me bad. I was sad, quiet and especially 'good' for a long time. My perception probably turned to the study of those large people in authority. There were many, Dad, Mom, Carl, Betty, John, and Eddie.

Later, Mom remarked to someone, "I think she will die very young because she is so good." I had mixed feelings when I heard this.

During journal writing when about 55 years old, I suddenly realized the main reason for Mom's abusive treatment over sex-play/learning was because I had embarrassed her in front of a very puritanical sister-in-law. Never the less, Mom's abusive manner on this one occasion entrenched my life with long distrust of people who could wield authority over me.

Somehow my attitude about sex has been wholesome and playful, so I think Mom's early on, fleeting smile had signified it was okay. Also, in our innocence we didn't even know we were involved in what older people would consider sexually oriented.

Our desire to know our whole body has innocent and necessary connotations when we are young explorers. Parents are ecstatic when their baby discovers their hands.

Baby looks delighted, moves hands, opens fingers, touches one hand to another and coos at them. Anyone watching this intense activity is thrilled with baby's genius for discovery. The older child's discovery of private parts is just as essential and innocent as discovery of toes. The child will develop a natural modesty within a year or so and all their explorations help this new stage come about.

I wonder how many children are mistreated over natural body curiosity. I have vivid memory of my young life up until the time of Mom's violence at the river edge; then, I have no further memory for about three years. What happened to those years? Did I go to school? My sister says I did. Who were my teachers; where are their faces and mannerisms? What did I do? I have asked my brothers and sister about those years, to have some fill in, but there are few of my own recollections.

This is a poem I composed one day when working on accepting my 'child', in my journal:

INNOCENCE AND DRAMA Mother Looked into my shining eyes, While my rosebud lips, Formed "goo-ga", smiles and cries.

Her work of motherhood drew me out Into a rough hewn...farm world Interwoven with strife, Wives tales, laughter and prayer.

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We little friends asked each other one day, "Boy, girl? Why is it that way?"

Show and tell, with interest devout.

"How come your 'thing' is hanging out?"

We hear mothers come, "No, no! You embarrass me so!"

Mom raged and threatened to the core, While pulling me to the swift river's forbidden shore.

Fainting I remember no more.

No memory, yet, of the next several years.

Were they days and days filled with fears?

Eventually, I do remember hearing Mother say, "She's always so good, I fear God will take her away."

Somehow, out of the early harshness I grew strong, having power to be my own person later in life.

While we were still in Monte Vista the 1930's depression started and Dad was bankrupt. His car Parts and Repair Business made up of: Star, Essex, Mormon, Oakland, Hanes, and Paige was smashed like the hail stones had obliterated his crops a few years before.

Mom and Dad decided it was better to be poor in the wilderness than in town. We packed and left Monte Vista with an idea to mine gold in New Mexico where some huge dredging companies already worked the bulk of ore bearing soil. Dad's idea was to work the dirt that large equipment left behind in cracks and crevices of bedrock.

For this move we had two vehicles. One was a blue, 1925 Dodge four door sedan Dad had cut down and fashioned into a pickup. We kids rode in the back of this vehicle with a tarp to protect us in case of storms. Connected to this pickup dad put a flat bed with stake sides to hold household belongings and some tools, etc.

The other vehicle was a 1921 white truck with hard rubber tires. This truck hauled chickens in crates, Alice, the only cow we had left, and a huge placer machine Dad had constructed in his car repair shop before we left.

The depression years saw us homeless and threadbare for several years. Lots of nights were spent camped by the side of the road. We didn't have much protection against the weather. We slept under the stars except when a storm was immanent. Then Dad skillfully parked one truck aligned with trees at a ten-foot or so distance. Dad and the boys stretched the old cotton tarp from the truck bed stakes to the trees forming a lean-to.

Even so, we were often wet and cold.

One night was especially stormy. The wind became gusty while hail and rain pelted down. The storm roared through the pinion trees. We all had restless sleep.

Suddenly we were awakened by a crash as the lean-to tarp's swaying snapped the small tree poles like matchsticks. The heavy tarp came crashing down. Stale tallow tarp dust filled my lungs. The heavy tarp dumped water on us and pressed heavily against all eight of us as we scrambled for space. Water was running in through small holes in the worn tent. Baby Tommy and I were screaming tears of trauma. We were all trying to get out.

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Dad told us in no uncertain terms to stay where we were. He shouted an order, "Stay where you are! Don't go out in the storm, we're better off under the tarp.”

Oh God, I was scared. I thought I would suffocate while everyone's huge bodies were pressing in on me. A trickle of water poured through a small hole in the tent and onto on my chest. I was afraid to move. Baby Tommy cried for hours with catching sobs of fear. There was comforting and prayers uttered by Mother far into the long night...

Often when we camped by the road people going by threw things or called out hurting words. Sometimes we were called “Oakie.” One time my younger brother, Tom, yelled back, "We're Collies, not Oakies." He had given them a good laugh.” Tom meant we were from Colorado and not part of the mass migration of Oklahoma people moving during the depression. We heard the laughter diminish only as distance claimed the sound. Older brothers explained the reason for the laughter to Tom. We moved from place to place readjusting our belongings on a car and a staked flat bed truck. The car and truck were piled high with all our belongings. We used some of them, taking them down at night and replacing them in the morning. We had dressers, beds, mounted dear horns, tools, and you name it. We even took some pens of chickens and a tireless dog that ran along behind the conglomeration. As we continued our search for work and a home, my brother Carl only 13 years old drove the truck. Dad drove the car with seven of us cramped in. Older children sometimes rode on top of the furniture on the truck. Facing the unknown must have been hard on all of us. But, I was so naive that I didn't know we were poor.

One day at lunchtime we were tired and hungry. We had been driving through a desert storm. The water had bucketed down causing a flood of water on each side of the road. Dad drove off the road to a high spot out of the water. The truck tires picked up firm red clay. It adhered to the tires forming big balloon like circles. The clay scraped off only where the rotation touched other parts of the car. Soon, the car was mud bound.

This was one of the rare times Dad had a sense of humor. Soon as we stepped on the ground our shoes were layered with mud. Dad got things organized. Soon we had a campfire with a grate. He mixed up a batch of hotcakes to cook in the black skillet. The aroma was wonderful as we were starving hungry. Dad flipped the cakes a couple of feet in the air for each turn over. We were eating, laughing and forgot our troubles for a blessed hour or so.

There was no sense in hurrying. We had to wait until the water penetrated through the clay mass into the ground. By the next day we carved the mud off ourselves, our gear, and the tires and proceeded down the narrow gravel road.

Somehow, I was given a strange sense of security for the greater several years of migration, job hunting, bread lines, and worn out shoes wrapped in burlap or, if lucky, wrapped in tire tubing. I thought our plight was ordinary and I'm sure it was for many people.

We needed to be in a warmer climate so we moved to Valdez, New Mexico where the elevation was lower. The country was beautiful though still harsh.

Eventually, we camped near a ranch family and prospected a few months. The ranchers gave our older children a ride to school in their truck. I didn't go to school because of poor clothing and shyness. They also provided goats milk to drink. Their charity was a saving factor for we had little food.

All eight of us lived off the land, plus beans, and home made bread. The fertile valley provided dandelion and lambs quarters for vegetables. When I cut dandelion Dad 18

taught me to leave the roots in the ground and undisturbed so new leaves could grow. We had some fresh meat or fish on occasion.

In these days the campfire was the center of activity. My strong brothers chopped wood by the hour. We little ones stayed well back from this action because sometimeslarge pieces of wood flew, zinging through the air when the axe hit a certain way.

We had several huge black pots for cooking. All of our food was prepared at the campfire. Most of us had blackened hands, especially Mom. We had little soap and much grease and soot to contend with. The fire burned most of the time to cook beans. In the semi-high altitude it took many hours of cooking for the beans to be tender.

Game was a welcome supplement to our diet when hunting and fishing was successful. In fact, poaching was necessary for our survival. Dad was caught fishing illegally several times. At first the game warden just warned him. One day the warden found him fishing again and decided to take him to jail. They came by the camp to tell us.

Immediately, Dad sat down on the ground. He said to the warden, "Here is my family.

Take all of us and feed my children or you will have to take me dead." We were scared, but the warden threw up his hands, picked up the fish, and left. I wished I had yelled, "Leave us a few fish to eat!"

Even with the handicap of dodging game wardens Dad and my brothers became proficient hunters. When John said he was going to get a turkey for Thanksgiving none of us thought it would be possible for wild turkeys were scarce. But, we believed our eyes when we saw him prancing into camp with a huge black turkey over his shoulder. He probably scouted a covey way ahead of time.

After other hunting trips we would slice venison thin then hang it hidden under clothes on the line to dry. We stored the jerky in cloth bags hanging from a high branch on a tree to keep it safe from dogs and wild animals.

Everyone in the family strong enough worked at our sluice box gold mining. This operation consisted of constructing long narrow wooden troughs with laths and burlap in the bottom to catch gold. The troughs were placed in a stream where water washed through them. One area had already been mined hydraulically. Dad figured these miners had gone through the area so fast that they left the tedious but rich dirt between bedrock strata and under large rocks.

Our family carried dirt dug out of the bedrock down off the hill, placed it in the upper end of the sluice box and the regulated creek water washed the dirt through the box. If there was gold in the dirt it lodged in the slats and burlap. Removing the box from the running water, shaking the burlap to dislodge the gold and pouring mercury into the box then carefully collected the gold. By rolling the mercury around in the bottom of the box all the gold adhered to the mercury.

I thought this was a wonderful procedure. This heavy mixture was saved in a crock. Occasionally the campfire would be built so there would be an abundance of hot coals. Then a crude iron pot containing the mercury mixture was placed secure and deep down into the coals. Soon the mercury would start to burn off. We children always watched this operation from a distance because we were cautioned that the mercury vapors were lethal.

Dad would pour the bright gold into a container on a scale and calculate how much money it should bring. One three-month period we gleaned $7.00. Then, one day while playing (it was my job to watch my younger brother) we found a nugget which we proudly took to our parents. There was much laughter and praise. Dad said the nugget 19

was worth more than the whole group had made in a month.

One winter Mr. Hansen, a farmer let the eight of us set up housekeeping in his granary that needed to be replaced. Dad promised to build a new granary for him in the Spring, to return his kindness. Dad built a sturdy granary--his word was always good.

Even though Dad left Germany when a young boy he had carpentry skills because his uncles were wagon makers. In Germany even young boys apprentice. Dad's extended family in Germany owned a huge communal home. Their home, workshops and a bakery formed a u-shape with a common square. Here Dad had building experience before he was 14 years old when he left for America.

Another winter we lived in a long shed like building in Marino Valley near a town, Agua Fria. Dad and one brother got jobs in a small lumber mill. The logs for the mill were cut on the hill above our cabin. Near by there was a snow/ice, log shoot where the logs came crashing down off the hill, landing in a huge pile at the bottom. Then they were put on a truck and taken to the mill.

On Sundays when the log shoot was not in use, one of my brother's friends took me sledding down the shoot. I sat behind him holding on for dear life, shouting with fear and delight as we shot down the long bumpy track. I was aware of being treated special.

This strong, tall teenager was my secret hero.

In our meager cabin the fire, in a small wood cook stove, was the center of activity. Boots and socks were always propped up drying and a can of tallow rendered and warm, sat near the back of the stove. We all used the tallow to daub on our boots for waterproofing.

I loved sitting on the woodpile back of the stove. In this location there was some privacy; I was warm and near the family activity but detached. Just down hill from our cabin door was a large mound of gray ice packed high from all of our wash water. In our simple life, we just went through the door, walked a couple of steps, and threw the wash water out. Ice formed immediately building an ice pack higher and higher. I was ashamed of the gray dirty ice and wished we threw the water some hidden place.

We moved again and our finances were better. Now Dad’s experience with mechanics when he was in construction work served him well. He was hired to help recondition gold mining mills. Ball mills and cyanide mills were coming to life again as the depression eased and gold prices went up to $32.00 an ounce. These reconstruction jobs took us to several remote areas in the southwest.

When we went down the grade into the town of Mogollon, New Mexico, Mom said if we ever made it to the bottom of the grade alive she would live there the rest of her life. She never wanted to go over the treacherous canyon road again. On our way down the grade our truck motor burst into flames and there was much hustling. Dad and the boys threw dirt on the flames to put the fire out. Great clouds of dust, smoke, and steam surrounded us. When the air cleared and the motor cooled, the men cleaned the grime off with cloths. After minimal repairs the motor worked well enough to proceed down the hill. Everyone had to walk except the drivers.

While living in Mogollon, we soon found it was a hide-away for “wanted men.”

We heard rumors about them and saw them occasionally. I was surprised they looked like most other people. There were many Mexican people who sat in the sun on their front porch removing lice from each other’s hair by the hour. Once Mom boiled Bull Durham tobacco and I had to soak my head in the pungent juice to kill lice I had picked up. She sent me back to the crowded one room school with a note requesting my sitting 20

apart from others so I wouldn't get lice again.

After Dads' mill repair job was finished, he continued to work there only long enough to save money to move again. Before we left, my little Mexican girl friend, Lucy Zapatta gave me a tiny blue enamel cup with three beans in it. This was her parting gift to me. In this way she said she cared even though we had a language barrier and couldn't exchange many words. This was my most precious treasure because it was my first experience of gift. I thought of it as an affirmation of love.

The early strands of my life were woven around virgin nature. I loved living out of doors. The depression was responsible for the nature-life and for my deep intrinsic reverence for vastness, lush greenery, and silence. Active silence made up so many years of my childhood. I remember the good aloneness and the closeness to the earth.

During this time the nourishment for intellectual understanding was wonder and exploring. I wondered about the stars, the clouds, the soft floating clouds that took on many shapes and hues. The turbulent dark clouds and the roar of thunder were exciting.

Then there would be the brilliant beauty of the rainbow against dark wooded hills. I loved exploring the rocks and the living creatures.

The nature scene and my family were the meaningful scope of my life. The schools were simplistic and didn't inspire me to know nor did they demand much study. I can remember reading only one book before I was in high school. Our family didn't own books. I didn't know I was deprived then and as I look back, I only wonder how I was able to become an avid researcher later in life.

The first book I read was a Zane Grey novel. In this book the scenery was much like the places I spent so much time. There was lush growth near creek beds with trees shading the area. There was cool darkness and contrasting warm shafts of sunlight. The novel confirmed the mood I was often in when I looked a distance across vast areas of space. I savored the book's atmosphere, which was an extension of my own.

Even at that time mystery tugged at me. This was the first inkling of my love for the mystery of the creator. Penetrating mystery would become more demanding and full of joy and pain. I was naive thinking everything static and secure. I didn't see the paradox between the stationary and the dynamics of wonder, movement, and life.

The Desert After living in the lush New Mexico forests, we moved to the Arizona desert. I desperately hated the barren land at first‌ much as Mom had when a young bride. Then I learned to love it and often long to visit there. The immensity, silence, and strange beauty of the desert spoke to me again and again of mystery and wonder.

The bright spring flowers brought the miracle of color to the drab beige landscape. The rich color was dramatic along with the intensely blue, blue of the sky.

The vast blue sky! The desert spring time has to be one of the lovely wonders of the universe. The mute desert becomes transformed in an array of exciting colors. The flowers speak of universal life, through their hardiness to exist on the seemingly barren waste. By paradox the blossoms had fragile beauty and waxy translucence. The flowers blossom time was totally dependent on spring rains.

Their sweet nectar attracted the desert bee and many other insects that tumbled around in their thick pollen. Each cactus bloomed with such profusion that the plant was 21

barely visible through the color. Some cactus blossoms had delicate shades and others were brilliant.

Mom wanting to have beautiful flowers in the house had a desert person teach us to dip the flowers in barely warm liquid wax to preserve their beauty. The trick was to cover the petals so they would be sealed and last a couple of months without drying.

Some remained perfect long after dust collected on the wax.

I loved the turbulent flash of lightening in the dark sky and the cloudburst that dumped water on the parched land. The first large drops stirred the dust, which instantly turned to mud. I was fascinated how quickly the dry washes swelled. They became powerful torrents of water sweeping the family trash away. Later when I saw flush toilets I thought them to be a similar set-up. The desert lightening storms caused our wood stove lids to jump an inch or so. This clatter signified terrific force. Mom always cautioned us to stay away from the stove, house drafts, and trees during lightening storms. After a couple of hours the storm would be over and the bright sun shone once more. Then we would tour the house to see how many light bulbs had holes blown through the glass. We always had a large supply of light bulbs to replace the ruined ones.

I lived on the desert between the ages of 8 and 14 years old. I felt minute in the vast stillness. I could feel the soundless hush of the revolving universe. The rocks were bare of moss, they were smoothed and rounded boulders of various size. Boulder Dam (now Hoover Dam) was named for this type of terrain. I climbed over rocks and up and down cliffs in wonder, awe, and expectancy. Dad said, "The Arizona desert is a place where you can fry an egg on a rock."

We lived in Chloride, in the foothills of the Cerbat Mountains on the Mohave Desert. These large mountains seemed small in contrast to the wide Sacramento Valley.

The valley terrain gently sloped west toward the craggy Black Mountains that contained the Colorado River. I often went to these isolated mountains with Katherine, an 'old maid.' We bounced over dusty corduroy roads in her turtle back Dodge. She had someone, not very ambitious from the looks of things, working her 'family gold mine.'

Immediately on returning from the mine she wrote a report to her family 'back East.' She always talked about the rich vein of gold ore running through this property. She was glad to have someone to tell about her dreams of becoming rich and all the things she would do when her luck would change.

There were hardy plants on the desert such as mesquite, scotch broom, ironwood, juniper, sagebrush, and tumbleweed. Cactus was every shape and size from cholla to badger tail. Playmates and I walked along paths watching for animals that lurked here and there in the shade from bushes. Quail families moved together under bushes pecking seeds that dropped. Their heads moved back and forth with a quick and cute jerk as they walked. Friends and I took in all the smells and sounds as we walked miles on the desert.

Occasionally, my brothers let me go rabbit hunting with them in their old stripped down Model-T. We sped over the desert to flush rabbits out of the brush. Then the guns would sound off. Rabbit was the main protein for our large family. After a few years the boys had to go farther and farther from our house to have a successful hunt.

When I scampered about I was always cautious of snakes that slithered along. My brothers killed many of them and brought rattler trophies home to me until I had a cigar box full. I strung the rattlers on fish line and wore them. Dad was offended by what he called a barbaric display. I hid the gorgeous necklace but one day it was gone. I suspected Dad destroyed it but I didn't say anything because I was taught not to question authority. I 22

was sad and angry however.

My sister and I shared a lean-to on the south side of the red railroad house in Chloride. Our bed was by a window. I put my pillow on the sill every night and looked out at the stars before I went to sleep. Often a large moon loomed over the horizon and the gentle hills were lit so I could see their contours. The rocks cast black shadows that streaked across the hillsides.

There was hushed silence at night broken by an occasional bark, then a flurry of barking from different locations and silence again.

I loved our house. It was large and sturdy redwood compared to the tent or pine shacks we used during the depression. This house was a formidable railroad house. It stood burnt red against the deep blue sky. It wasn't a pretty house but it spoke of security against the desert cloudbursts and flashes of lightening. It was protection from the burning sun and from dust storms.

Often there were whirlwinds carrying pure sand and other times the sky filled with the litter from the town dump. Momentarily everything seemed to be sky bound. I sometimes ran all the way to or from school with wind blown sand pitting my face, bare arms, and legs. Still, I was fascinated by the elements. Also, the desert array of ores and rocks were beauties. I collected them over the years. I never tired of their shapes and colors.

The outhouse was part of the scene. I wondered why there were two holes...Perhaps for distribution. We made trips to the outhouse in rain, sunshine, moonlight, and pitch black nights. Sometimes lightening would light up the black inside of the outhouse for a moment then the rumble of thunder would shake the seat.

We used old Montgomery Ward catalogs’ paper for wiping and were taught to use it sparingly. The privy had to be moved when filled up. Even with lime sprinkled inside the stench was unbearable. We built the privy down wind from the house but close enough so we wouldn't stumble around to get there in the dark and in storms.

My teenage brothers John and Eddie looked for excitement. They flirted with danger. Roads meant nothing to them. When I was in their jalopy with them they went bumping over the desert. Once they drove passed an unmarked mine shaft so close I could see down into its deep black hole.

I felt very grown up when I went with my husky brothers in the family truck to gather wood. They took dynamite along to blow the desert spruce out of the ground.

When they lit the short fuse they yelled, “Down under.” We all dove under the truck for protection from the debris and huge chunks of wood.

Dad often checked the woodpile to see if there was evidence of dynamite damage.

Dad didn't want the boys to expose themselves to dynamite danger and he also wanted the spruce stump left in the ground for the possibility of its sprouting new growth. The boys were often in trouble over short cutting their work with dynamite. They found dynamite left near old mines. Often the dynamite was in weather worn and dilapidated condition doubling the danger of its use.

Even though they lived dangerously they had few accidents. When someone did get hurt we all tried to hide the incident from the folks. Once, Eddie was hurt when thrown out of their jalopy. The driver took a dip in the road at too great of speed and the passenger went sailing through the air. He slid about six yards on the gravel road.

The rest of the family found out about the accident when someone who saw the incident asked Mom how her son was. Then, we examined him to find skin and flesh 23

badly torn down one side of his body. He was battered black and blue. Mom and Dad dressed his wounds along with a verbal dressing down. I knew he had been afraid to tell anyone. The other brother had silently helped him care for his wounds and had taken over the additional chores.

I was in the eighth grade attending the two-room desert schoolhouse when I first realized I couldn't please everyone. I was surprised and shaken by this insight. I began to think about relationships outside the sheltered family closeness that had been my whole world. I learned about student-teacher love this year also. I admired my teacher, Mr. Lennox, and finally found my mind stretching to 'get' the point.

Mr. Lennox was well traveled, had some strong interests and played the violin. He shared so much of himself with us. He intrigued me and inspired me to work at learning for the first time. I was constantly surprised at my ability to understand once learning skills came easier. I have always been grateful for my first real teacher.

I was later thankful for my progress because our next move would take me to a large high school of 2,000 students in Auburn, California. I stepped out of the miniature school into a sophisticated high school with many buildings.

We lived “Oakey� style again when we first moved to Greenwood California.

Living exposed to gawky people passing by was now embarrassing to me. Also, I began to have the recurrent earaches that plagued so much of my young life. Within a month my older brothers and Dad had jobs and we moved into a house. The shack was very small requiring some of us to sleep out of doors. I slept inside and the earaches subsided.

I started high school in Auburn, which required an hour and half bus ride from Greenwood. Our school bus trip originated in Greenwood then made the rounds down bumpy roads to the houses at various mines, ranches, and another small town. At last we would cross the North Fork of the American River, climb the grade up to Auburn, and arrive at school.

I was amazed at the complexity of the school facility and the larger town than I was used to. The gym, my first experience with a large building just for sports, was across the street from the main buildings. Going through this maze of buildings was necessary to attend classes. I still have dreams about trying to find my way to an important class. Feelings of inadequacy both scholastically and socially were painful. I was constantly shy and embarrassed.

Everyone seemed to know what was happening and where it was happening. I never seemed to be dressed right. On Sadie Hawkins' day when I won second prize for my imaginative costume, even this turned out painful. I hadn't realized I should change to regular dress after the assembly. Then, I was barefoot and scantily clad all afternoon of a cold day and was the object of snickers and whistles.

I slowly became more adjusted and progressed in meeting requirements for good grades. The new goal of school seemed to be competition. In my quiet way I was thrilled that my schoolwork became easier and took me to the top of the class. I became intrigued with school because there was so much variety and the teachers knew what and how to teach. It started to dawn on me that I could pursue subjects on my own and further that I could ask help in attempting free study.

Even though I had four brothers I was shy around boys. But, I was most interested in them! I liked one boy very much and he liked me. For some reason I wrote a note to him saying I thought him a big flirt. Well that ended that and I was sad when he became interested in someone else. I always had some close girl friends. I felt accepted by girls 24

and felt cared about because they helped me learn social skills. They also helped me learn to control my loud country voice and the volume of my laughter.

After several other moves I attended Mission High School in San Francisco. By now I had some confidence in myself. I soon had a dear friend Marge. We had neat boy friends to which we were always explaining the virtues of saving ourselves for marriage.

December the 7th, 1941 our whole family was on route to a picnic when we heard the news of Japan's attack on Pearl Harbor over the radio. We immediately took my oldest brother Carl, who was in the National Guard, to the bus station so he could report for duty. The war was both a shock and an awakening for me. I wanted to help and felt needed.

For the first time I felt competent to help in something of utmost importance.

Marge and I worked after school and weekends at Hunters Point Naval Dry Dock canteen. Several hours after a ship dry-docked, hundreds of the crew flooded the shipyard. They were anxious to put their feet on solid ground, especially on American soil. Many of them headed straight for the canteen. They had great capacity for fresh milk, fried eggs and a smile. Some fellows just sat there and watched us as we worked.

Being the center of attention was new to me. I loved it and everyone started calling me “Smiles.� I began to know a variety of people from all over the world. I met fellows from all branches of the service, also painters, welders, engineers, women shipyard workers and both sexes off Russian ships. All the dry-docked ships were extremely damaged. I listened to many stories the ship crews told about traumatic war experiences. Many of them had faith in their battleship or carrier and bragged about 'her' strength and or speed. Their ship was all that protected them from death on the high seas and they knew it.

Marge and I were about six months from high school graduation when we decided to become ship-draftsmen. We entered Samuel Gomper's trade school for night courses.

We went to classes five nights each week plus working the canteen on the weekends and finished high school.

Immediately after graduation we went to ten hour a day ship drafting intensive training for Bethlehem Steel Shipyards at 20th and Illinois in San Francisco. This crash course was set up by the government and staffed by engineers from the University of California at Berkeley. When we finished this extensive training both Marge and I were sent to Hunters Point to work.

My first assignment was purely by chance. I was to work with an engineer that I knew from my canteen job. I previously told him of my plans to be a ship draftsman, and he teased me about big ambitions of going from the coffee urns to the drafting tables.

When I actually showed up on the job he almost 'dropped dead.' He was fascinated; we became great friends.

When I first started working I was doing tracings and easier jobs. Some drawings were twenty-five or thirty feet long so the whole ship hull could be on one drawing.. We rolled the linen up at each end of the drafting table. Then we just rolled up one end and unrolled the other end as the work progressed. As I became a better draftsman I went on board the ships to take measurements at the repair location that I needed to design new piping for. The huge ships were like cities; usually someone would meet me on the top deck and take me to a work location.

Some torpedo holes in the ships' outer hulls were large as a house, jutting in as far as the center of the ship. I had profound awareness of the death and suffering this damage 25

represented. I worked with a prayerful ambition, symbolic of healing the personal suffering and the death this damage represented. All the service men were personally involved with their ships strength and fame and knew the hunk of steel as their only security against shelling, the open sea, and death.

Many times I felt drawn to sit in silence in churches. I felt awed by a presence.

One church was at Hunters Point. We lived across the street and watched the process of its construction. It was small, painted stark white inside and out. It was rough stucco with a red tile roof. Inside huge hewn redwood rafters supported the ceiling. The bus stop was at the bottom of the hill. I often went into the church to pray on my way home from school or work. Sometimes I would kneel in deep prayer. Other times I would sit relaxed in the silence.

The day President Roosevelt died everyone was shocked. The drafting offices became silent except for an occasional low consoling or sob. After this, I felt renewed dedication and worked hard and long each day. I had advanced to the better jobs, but there was some opposition to this preference. My supervisor decided to give a problem; whoever came out with the best solution would have the more interesting job selection. I don't know how I did it, but I came out best more often than not.

All this vast engineering was over my head. I had courage and natural ability to carry me through five years of fascinating engineering drafting. After the war I studied at the University of California at Berkeley for a couple of years. Then I decided traveling was my way of becoming educated. I traveled through the South, the poor, poor south. I worked at Charleston, South Carolina then moved to Baltimore, Maryland.

While traveling, there were plenty of wonderful times and much pain and loneliness, too. Miraculously, I came through World War II a virgin. Then after being attacked by an uncle, whom I shamed out of raping me, I used poor judgement and was raped by a person who drugged me. I, an U. C. Berkeley student, went on a blind date with a Stanford fellow. I found out later, 'using' women was the 'in' form of competition between these schools that particular year. Thank God, I was completely blanked out and have no recall of the incident except the shock when I woke up in disarray and bloody...after some time I was relieved when I knew I was not pregnant.

When first in Baltimore, I could pay a weeks rent at the YWCA but practically starved before I could get a job. I applied for a drafting job and a fountain waitress job both on the same day at The Johns Hopkin's University. When I was interviewed for the drafting job, the engineer told me there would be a two-week wait. Another supervisor had to return from vacation before they could decide about hiring me. I was desperate. I had Walgreen lunch counter experience so I applied at the campus fountain and went to work immediately. I was hungry, but tried not to be obvious about eating an enormous amount. Two days later the engineer that had interviewed me came into the fountain. We recognized each other immediately. He was furious, spoke to the manager and I was fired, without a chance to explain. I couldn't blame them for feeling deceived.

I learned there is a big difference between being a professional draftsman and a waitress in minds that categorize. Then, out of the blue came the neatest job I'd had. I was hired as Assistant Sales Manager for Beauty Craft Kitchens. I worked part time drafting and part time in the sales office handling dealers' orders and correspondence.

I was to use my boss, Carson Harrel’s secretary Marilyn to type my letters. She thought it demeaning to work for a young girl and made a big deal about my misspelled words. Soon, we did develop a bond through our mutual integrity and became personal 26

friends. I traveled for Miller Metal designing kitchen displays in Gimbel's Department store in Philadelphia, many smaller dealers' stores and at the Hershey, Pennsylvania home shows.

27

Chapter II IN PURSUIT OF RELIGION _____________________________________________________________

From Catholic Dogma to Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

I was happy with my job at Miller Metal in Baltimore, MD and comfortable living at a women residence club. One day I walked past a window displaying a sign, Catholic Information Center. It was a crummy little office, but I went in immediately because I was curious about the origins and deeper meaning of our family’s faith. This was the beginning of my studies about God. First, I took introductory classes at the center then I began my life long religious studies on my own. I was amazed at the depth, the profound books on Catholic theology, and the security of dogma, images, and ritual. I was confirmed at the Catholic Cathedral located just a block from the residence club where I lived.

After confirmation there was another turning point. Bob, whom I had dated for only a short time, realized we were becoming serious. But, he thought he couldn't accept the Catholic Church beliefs for himself or for his children. He decided to return to California. I worked for six months more and returned to California also.

The Justice of Peace married Bob and I in Alameda, California. Subsequently, I excommunicated myself because I wasn’t married in the Church and did not attend Mass for about five years. We were living in San Jose when I took Episcopalian instructions. I couldn't accept this teaching. After another year Bob consented to Catholic instruction and we were married by the Catholic Church. Our marital blessing was to be done 'quietly' in the pastor's office since we had 'lived in sin' because our marriage by the Justice of Peace wasn’t recognized by the Catholic Church. So this was not a celebration but a solemn turning our life around from living in sin to having our marriage blessed by the church. We already had two children who were baptized soon after our marriage was considered a sacramental marriage.

I went to some of the first Archdiocesan Confraternity of Christian Doctrine (CCD) Instruction Classes on theology and teaching methods because I wanted to teach our children about God. I felt keenly responsible for their spiritual development because my Catholic education had been so sparse. Father Cardelli taught these classes at Saint John Vianney Church in San Jose shortly after he was ordained in 1958. It was not my intention to teach in the CCD program but I did for fifteen years because they were short of teachers. .

Our family had grown to five children. When our children were preschoolers, I took them with me to the makeshift release time classes which I taught in local garages near schools. Garages were open to us by our parish families. My children were always fidgety. One would cling to my skirt while another might pull up his shirt and play with 28

his navel. Their antics distracted me more than they did my class.

There were many meaningful moments also, like the time I singled out one girl and asked her if she realized her very great value. She looked at me a little suspiciously.

Then I told her that God is present in her very depths. I could see her face become serene as she began to believe. She and the other children became quiet and awed. This was a clear moment of spirit that she and I will never forget.

Sometimes it takes only a moment to plant many seeds. One time when my children and I were in the allergy clinic waiting hours while Mike then 9 years old had allergy testing. The children became restless and started to play. My little Chris twirled around and kicked the shin of an Indian man sitting next to me. I turned to apologize.

There was God reflecting back and forth in our eyes. This experience remains clear, beautiful, startling and always ready in my memory assuring me that God is present in all persons.

There always was great tension between Bob, my husband and myself. Possibly, my being self-directed caused much strain. Learning doesn't happen without personal change. Then, change demands adjustment for the marriage partner and intensifies the fear of losing yourself to the other. Bob and I had many years of marriage counseling. We started going to counseling when there was much prejudice against admitting imperfection. Sometimes prejudice causes us to deny or just not recognize problems.

Counseling helped Bob and me to live together for 32 years. Through counseling I also became strong enough to be a person with my parents. Coming to this point of awareness was work and pain because I had never expressed my needs or opinions with them before.

My new strength was a saving factor in the problem I would soon face. About 1960, Dad, who was always very active and needed, couldn't face retirement and had a mental breakdown. He had a mania about big things he was going to accomplish. He couldn't shut down his mental processes. He was losing sleep and becoming agitated.

This was a time of tremendous personal trauma for me because the whole family, my brothers and sister were in denial, not facing the necessity to take some responsibility and action for his care. Dad's neurotic symptoms were frightening to Mom and to me.

I arranged some doctor appointments. I could only get Dad to one appointment before he became suspicious and wouldn't go to another. The doctor did confirm the need for hospital observation. Mom and I decided Dad needed the strength of their relationship without suspicion, so I took the responsibility of having Dad hospitalized. He refused to cooperate and I was forced to get police help.

Dad fought the officers so they had to restrain him. Painful reverberations shot through me when shock registered on his face. Pain and compassion were a constant reality for me in the following months. On the surface Dad loudly and tearfully blamed me for the situation he hated. I could tell he had some realization of his illness, but he never admitted it to us; instead, he was always trying to prove he was well.

Mental illness was especially frightening to Dad since his mother had a mental breakdown, causing his family to be separated when Dad was a young teen. His mother never recovered; in fact, she became so distraught that she drowned herself in the town river near their home. Perhaps, taking her own life was due to the lack of medication and/or knowledge at the time.

Dad did recover within six months. He continued to be healthier and remained stable except for one more time of crisis. We had to get him to face hospitalization or 29

medication. He always hated medication, but it was his choice and it worked marvelously. Because of Dad's temper we were afraid to talk with him about his mental condition when he was well. One day I braved it, praying that talking about it wouldn't set him 'off' again. He started to get angry and I quickly cautioned him about his previous condition. He calmed down and admitted he knew something was wrong with him, thank God. We could then talk about the future and make plans in the event of his need for care again.

Facing this pain(s) deeply and squarely with my Dad helped me learn about mental health. I have been able to help other needy people in a positive way. Pain enlarged my compassion for others. John Kennedy's death caused great anguish within my deepest self also and the realization that suffering brings strength and insight to a human whom is, more often than not, lukewarm. Jesus' anguish confirms the reality of the pain in human life and the grace to live with hope and strength.

Woven through this period of anguish were five years of Great Books adult discussion participation, which introduced me to some classic minds, such as Plato, Saint Thomas Aquinas, Freud, Tolstoy, etc. Later I led Junior Great Book Discussion Groups at Saint Victor's Catholic school. In these groups I enjoyed many classic myths and fairy tales I had missed as a child. Children's discussion is a leveler; some of the less scholastic students came up with creative and deep felt ideas about the readings that the top students would simply miss.

At one leader's seminar forty of us adults discussed Jack and the Beanstalk for many hours. We still felt there was some meaning we had not exhausted. Great Books was tremendously stimulating, creating a love for depth in everything I read.

I went to a retreat called a Cursillo in 1962. Originating in Spain, it was one of the first Cursillos given in California. The Cursillo was a retreat weekend designed for bonding the participants and revitalizing their action in their respective parishes.

Different parishes sponsored the various Cursillos. Parish members and a priest or two gave the Cursillo. Usually priests hold themselves apart from parishioners but at Cursillo they intimately shared their spiritual life in royos (inspirational talks), and along with the parishioners did the cooking, serving, singing, and gave tone to the intimate discussion sessions.

Franciscan Father Renaldo was my spiritual director. Many beautiful lay women (parishioners) were rectors and professors. I came home filled with the joy of close communal, God centered sharing. The return home from a Cursillo is considered 'the start of the 'the fourth day.' The essence of the fourth day is a dedication to be close to Christ and meet weekly with two or three people who attended former retreats to share spiritual moments. We became eager like little children in sharing our close moments.

Open sharing becomes an avenue of spiritual growth. We learned from each other’s experiences where, when and how to find Christ in our lives. We began to see the full beauty and closeness at Mass and communion because someone has confirmed our experience or broadened our scope of thoughts by telling us how and why and what it meant for them to be close to Christ. We found close moments when sharing others joys and sadness or when we watched a child's simple beauty of thought or action. We learned others found Christ in the field or at the office and knew we could also.

In the fourth day we humbly gave of ourselves by sharing our intimate spiritual feelings. By practicing this communication each week we become more alert to the nearness of Jesus. Each person that hears someone’s close moment has a different 30

reaction because of his or her own background. Hearing others close moments are wonderful for meditation. If we have not been inspired by someone's close moment, perhaps our meditating on it will reveal something about ourselves. We may not be receptive to Christ's warmth, but can be encouraged to grow.

Meditation on the very act of sharing is worthy. We think about sharing how each others prayer life renews and inspires or is shallow at times. This close sharing helps us to become more intimately involved with other people. By understanding their emotions we can see what already means a great deal to them and also where they may need encouragement for future growth. Our nature is social, giving, receiving and confiding in one another. Planning together and learning from one another are part of the reality of being human.

In the days of the first Christians, Jesus was the topic of conversation. The people who saw and heard him told their friends about his kindness, his love, his way of teaching, how he looked upon the faces of children, how he smiled at them. They talked of his miracles, of how they felt drawn to him, and of how they saw him in prayer. This bond with Jesus made the early Christians so close to each other that people exclaimed, "See how they love one another."

The Cursillo was planned to open up this avenue of love again, by encouraging us to share our close moments with Christ. One of the close moments I (had) came through another person. A lovely mother made a visit to Saint Victor's Church with her baby that had leukemia. With the child in her arms she approached the altar rail to be near the Blessed Sacrament. She seemed to say, "Here, Lord, here I am with the soul you have entrusted to me." Faith and adoration were shining on her face. This image will always be engraved in my mind. The radiation of faith is beautiful, in harmony with my nature. I felt a quickening of love, reverence, and insurgence of prayer for the mother’s burden and the baby’s health. Many times, I meditate on this scene of a reverent mother’s trust in the Lord.

Another close moment was an insight that tied me closely to the Old Testament and to the people of that time, the meal eaten in companionship has always been a sign of union, love, and friendship. An example from the Old Testament is the sacrificial meal when a portion of the animal was burned for God and the rest consumed by the people, thus signifying a bond between God and the people and between the people themselves.

This makes me aware of God's love and of his plans for us. Our bond at Mass and communion is strengthened by our heritage.

Saying the rosary 'in cross' is a beautiful worship that was part of my daily prayers for several years. I felt close to Christ when my whole body was in the attitude of prayer.

The experience of the Cursillo had been a great source of strength and growth for me. It introduced me to mystical friendship, which is a form of sublimated love among parishioners. It is like loving Jesus who is totally free in our devout love, and continual prayer was becoming a sporadic reality for me. That is, I would find myself in prayer during housework and doing other mundane tasks.

My family life was similar to my mother’s with lots of children and the love greetings in the morning and the prayer blessings with them at night. All five of our children went to Catholic school through the eighth grade. I have fond memories of early morning greetings, breast feedings, and full breakfasts of juice, good old oatmeal or scrambled eggs and toast. Then I drove our children and a couple of neighbor children to Catholic school in our van. The babies and I went to daily Mass. I had abundant energy in 31

the days of raising the family. My amiable disposition was satisfied with serving and being open.

The Catholic daily Mass was a ritual of solace for me. The Mass is sometimes called the celebration of the Eucharist; consisting of commemorating Jesus as savior through the biblically based ritual. First there is the entrance right, next, the readings from the Bible and the homily, then the consecration of the bread and wine, the partaking of communion, the closing prayers, and fellowship.

I found the various aspects of the Mass enriching both my knowledge of the Bible and my feelings about God, the savior. On Sundays and holidays the Mass is celebrated with music and spiritual song. Daily Mass it is quiet with the priest and altar boy bringing gifts to the altar. The altar is really a table at height for the ritual robed priest to stand behind while facing the seated rows of Mass attendants. The gifts consist of the book of Holy Scriptures, bread, wine and special altar cloths. The ritual is reminiscent of the last supper with the gifts carefully arranged on the altar; always rich with candles and parishioners’ placed bouquets of flowers.

The rite proceeds with priest-led prayers asking for cleansing of his and each person’s offenses against their neighbor and God so they will be worthy of the ritual meal. Then a deeper realization of the spiritual is attained by the priest’s oral proclamation of the scriptures. The meaning of the scriptures is brought to modern context by the priest’s homily, an instruction, through which the priest elucidates variations on the theme of the love of God, thyself, and thy neighbor. Next, prayers are offered for the needs of the community.

The deeper aspects of the ritual are experienced when the Lord’s Prayer is recited in unison. Then the exchange of the kiss of peace readies the congregation for the consecration rite. The consecration (changing the bread and wine into the body and blood of Christ) is celebrated with reverence and the ringing of the bells to signify the “holy, Holy, Holy,” Moses uttered on seeing God (the burning bush).

Next the communion, consisting of consecrated bread (body) and wine (blood), is partaken by the congregation if they wish. This communion is like the last supper when Christ’s disciples were congregated with Him and be gave them His body (bread) and blood (wine). This ritual is changed from the ancient pagan rite when the actual body and the actual blood of a holy and pure infant was consummated by the participants of the ritual; nevertheless, the participants of this more civilized ritual feel united with Jesus’ purity and grace at the time of receiving holy communion.

After communion of the faithful the priest says closing prayers. Then a refreshed congregation leaves the church to greet each other and exchange pleasantries and plans.

This fellowship is an important part of belonging to a Catholic Church.

The celebration of the Mass is a public witness to the belief that Jesus is savior and that He gave the apostles the “keys to the Kingdom.” Finally, Catholics’ faith and fellowship gives them solace in their daily life of joy and struggle. During the day I often found myself repeating Biblical phrases from the morning mass.

Every year for the fifteen years I taught CCD I took one or two theology or scripture classes. During Vatican II Tom Grief, S.J. taught current theology. He shared his beautiful insights with us. He likened the Catholic Church to a growing flower. This symbol was a radical change for me. It was immediately acceptable. The years of definite black and white security were no solace in the face of this beautiful truth.

I began to seek change instead of holding tight to dogma and fearing change. I 32

was energized by a release from the close confines of Catholic dogma to a broader view of religion. My horizon expanded to religion within myself rather than dogma in a book bound set of rules. I had greater hopes for my children. I envisioned them also finding love and energy in seeking for meaning through religion. The death-rebirth metaphor was real to me because I was always curious, seeking, and changing. My favorite author Teilhard’s love was an evolving catalyst which I regarded as an opening to change and even evolution. Love infused my spiritual life with energy and even deeper love for the Creator. I read current authors like Gregory Baum's, Man Becoming. I made banners for church (I have many pictures and even one huge banner for Easter) expressing Alpha and Omega themes. I was involved and energized by Tom Grief’s church as a growing flower and felt a release to be creative rather than always having everything interpreted for me in strict Catholic dogma.

When I was chairperson of lower grade CCD teachers the young seminarians from Saint Joseph's College first began coming out to Saint Victor's parish to teach.

These young men were eager to 'try their wings. In their classes we saw love. Love, but they lacked ability to maintain discipline of the students. The students literally climbed all over them. We cautioned them about the need for order. Our release time CCD classes were taught in garages of homes donated by parishioners living near schools. The children sat on benches with distraction of garage junk all around.

One day Chuck, in strict Catholic dogma, had an unruly boy sit away from other students on the kitchen steps of the garage so he wouldn't be poking the other children.

He was quiet for a time; suddenly a door slammed and the boy let out a loud scream. The family dog was surprised when dashing out of the kitchen and subsequently bit the boy on the nose. I decided I had to cope with problems that arose by being on the scene all the time.

Then the seminary requested a performance evaluation. I tried to be honest.

Perhaps the seminarians were in trouble because of my suggestions which caused them to be aloof. Eventually they were given classes on class management and everything improved. They certainly had much love and spirituality to impart to the students. This was in the days of the great 'seminary exodus' and eventually all six of our young teachers left the seminary. We in the parish were left wondering if there would be any future priests. Even after they left the seminary a couple of them still wanted to be priests but in a different context. Most of them wanted to be married which is not possible according to Rome’s rules for priests.

About this time Catholic seminary classes were first opened to lay parishioners’ study of theology. Some lady friends and I signed up for a class on Teilhard de Chardin.

Chuck (a seminarian) and I laughed about my going in the seminary and his coming out.

Parishioners taking classes at the seminary meant that we could meet our CCD teacher requirements at regular classes rather than attending only the yearly week end seminars previously required.

When several of the fellows were making their decisions to leave the seminary I prayed, discussed, listened and worried with them. I cried with them when they left their 'ideal' and turned toward a new life. Jim, a seminarian assigned to our parish for teaching, couldn't face his parents' disappointment, of his leaving the seminary, so we welcomed him in our home until he felt ready. I drove him around town job hunting.

Then he decided he didn't want a job just yet but needed the security of knowing he could get one. One day he told me how strange it was, to look at girls legs, without feeling 33

guilty. Since he found girls’ legs attractive as a seminarian he tried to deprive himself the pleasure of looking at them. Our whole group of seminarians, was special and dear. It was a privilege to work with them and know something of their hopes and desires.

The years attending mass was part of my daily schedule, I still think of Mass as public witness to ultimate meaning in my life. More, it is camaraderie of ritual and prayer in a holy atmosphere. The Catholic Mass ritual evokes depth of meaning in the prayers like the priest uttering: “Come Holy Ghost, creator blest...” I experience my awareness of prayer moving into and with the larger community. I sense the responsibility shift. In the presence of others I kneel, become centered and open to others and to the liturgy.

The first word is sung and the celebrant priest enters the sanctuary. The measured gestures and the oral worship are beautiful. The priest verbalizes the Mass prayers: “Heavenly Father and God of mercy...” I become more deeply involved and reverent. We are all focused on prayer and celebration. “The grace of our lord...Be with you.” “I confess...” Repentance is freeing myself momentarily from the outer world and opening me to my depth sanctuary of holiness and purity...to the place where we are all virginal along with Mary. I experience healing of my body and mind. A love and strength flowed through the very substance of my being. The priest saying the Mass utters, 'Glory to God in the highest.' The liturgy of the word is a meaningful part of mass for me. Many of the readings verify and strengthen my experience in daily life. For example in Acts 7:51-8:1 Stephen's experience of the glory of God quickens my spirit and validates me. Stephen and Jesus' witness gives me courage to witness, also.

Participating in the Catholic Mass’ ritual which comes through the priests axiom of set verbal prayers gives me renewed energy and certainty for living out my life in all the depth and meaning I feel. Divine life flowing from God is remembered through the priests’ ritualizing and I feel humble and awed. Sometimes the priests' homily is helpful in getting a new perspective on the word. Again, the set prayer for profession of faith’s meaning changes as I change. As I see or regard heaven within myself as well as well as in other Mass attendants, my faith deepens. I enjoy the connection of spiritual history unfolding within myself and in the community simultaneously. ‘...And His kingdom shall have no end’, penetrates my mind during each Mass.

Prayers of intercession for parishioners and community near the end of Mass celebration enlarge my feelings of love and concern. I mingle my concern for others with God's caring for us when we are in need...not completed. “Holy, Holy, Holy, God of power...” The Catholic Mass is sometimes called the Eucharistic feast because the Mass’ high point is receiving the communion wafer and wine in remembrance of Christ’s Last Supper. The Mass ritual is a deepening into oneness with the love and the divine in others and me. This oneness is what the early history mystery cults’ human sacrifice and eating of the real flesh was meant to accomplish.

Our history needs to be a moving changing truth. Only beyond time and space and I realized more of Biblical themes in my life, is eternal oneness. I enjoy the body's part in moving to and from the altar. Consuming the bread of life is unique and precious. The concluding rites help me reaffirm my intentions to live in tune with values that arise from the holy and the pure.

Thus, my life formed a spiritual way of study, mystical friendships, continual prayer, and objective appropriation of revelation.. Two Jesuit theology students taught Adult Religious Education in our parish. Jerry Helfrich taught Old Testament Scripture, 34

which I attended, and Charles Gagan taught an Inquiry Class. One evening Jerry was emphatic about the meaning of the virgin birth. He said hymen didn't have anything to do with Mary's virginity. There was dissension but he proceeded to make his point. In his enthusiasm he wrote hymen in bold letters on the blackboard. The class was shocked to see “that” word but Jerry sure had our attention. . I’ve found, Jesuits often use drama to make a point memorable.

After class Charles came into the room. He immediately picked up on the word hymen. He was embarrassed but laughed with unbridled joy and chided Jerry unmercifully. He suggested Jerry erase the blackboard well because seventh grade students would use the classroom next. Jerry, defensive, tried to explain what had taken place. His lack of ease only dramatized the humorous aspect of Charles’ child-like play.

Charles was fun and he enjoyed being with people. We had immediate rapport creatively, intellectually, and spiritually. Charles had the dynamics of creative happiness so necessary for his life of service. I perceived he had spiritual qualities of love with sensitivity, sympathy, and tenderness.

After Jerry, Charles and I knew each other better they told me about Teilhard de Chardin's writing. They said his work would confirm some of my insights and answer some of my questions about Biblical revelation and evolution. I found Hymn of the Universe and The Future of Man in the public library. I read Hymn of the Universe first and thought Teilhard wonderfully spiritual and maybe a bit mad. At that point Charles and Jerry cautioned me about reading further but I had already decided to pursue Teilhard's religious fervor.

Next I read The Future of Man. I found this book easier to read and it vitalized my own spirituality. Teilhard wrote about evolution of consciousness which spoke to my enthusiasm for experience and knowing on deep spiritual levels. Teilhard helped me realize that God is in all things in a dimension that can be experienced. I was at home with Teilhard's prose and poetry. I felt a liberating freedom to worship continually.

Teilhard wrote about the great power in love. He said love has a thrust from Alpha and drawing power toward Omega in our consciousness.

Teilhard wrote, Writings in the Time of War while in the trenches of France. He shared insights from the spiritual camaraderie, the solidarity, and the prayer that he experienced at the front lines of war. He said war-bonded soldier's understanding and support of one another and found this bonding very spiritual. I began to have deeper regard for the richness and closeness of my own spiritual relationships; especially, I felt spiritual friendship with Charles who had encouraged me to read Teilhard even though his evolutionary terminology and spirituality was a difficult read.

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Wisdom Melody, the Song of the Future In The Future of Man, Teilhard wrote about love furthering evolution. A quotation from Teilhard reveals his love theme.

"Love... Is the fundamental impulse of life...The one natural medium in which the rising course of evolution can proceed. It is through love and within love that we must look for the deepening of our deepest self, in the life-giving coming together of mankind.

Love is the free and imaginative outpouring of the spirit over all unexplored paths... It links those who love in bonds that unite but do not confound, causing them to discover in their mutual contact an exaltation capable of perusing in the heart of their being all that they possess of uniqueness and creative power." The Future of Man by Teilhard de Chardin, Harper Torchbooks, 1964, p.57 Teilhard's passion for these profundities of love exhilarated my spiritual life. I wanted to know my deepest self and to know the spirit in this quest. Sometimes, I was breathless in tension as I held myself open to whatever the power of love might be. I wanted to experience this spiritual power. I did not want to read explanations. When I found myself humble and somewhat fearful in this quest, I would utter, "Please be gentle with me God." I was inspired but I felt this ideal love was beyond my capabilities. I was prayerful about developing this bond of love that would unite persons and ignite their evolutionary tendencies. I needed to learn to bond and yet leave persons free. I found myself praying, "I desire to know how to love in this powerful way. I need to live on the edge of becoming, with other persons."

Over time the prayer capsulated itself into, "The power of love", for melodic repetition. The prayer became a shorter form without my realizing it at the time. This prayer came spontaneously. It had been singing itself for a time before I was consciously aware of it. Even then I didn't know how important it was to be for my life. It opened a New World for me.

This prayer and the orbit of its meaning led me and directed me to greater love. It was a short form of a large quest for a love-purified attitude. A few rhythmic syllables expressed the mystery sought. It was the undercurrent of my prayer life. Later I would call this undercurrent a wisdom melody because it traced through my mind like a neverending song. This melody carried the tension of my pure desire to know love. It was (and still is) a song of my deepest self, of my seeking.

I often meditated on the various aspects of love. Living in family life involved many kinds of love as did parish life. But the desire to know 'the power of love' embodied the mystery of love in the evolving world, of love within myself and of love between God and myself. I was confronted with mystery...Only God could help me develop in this grander mystery love. Developing a grand love initiated purity, a chaste penetration, and a deeper contact within the range of my life where I was living. Also, it put me in the Immanent center of mystery that engulfs the universe. For Teilhard, love developed the universe from the beginning.

Subdued or powerful, this wisdom melody traced through my mind when I was being a mother, shopping, driving, doing housework, conversing, having sex, or studying.

There it lulled in my mind. Sometimes it was the entrance to the stillness of meditation.

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"The power of love" was the song of my longing. This prayer had a life of its own and supplied a positive tension that opened me to the Holy spirit, the teacher, within myself.

The prayer bonded me to the Holy Spirit. This inner wisdom made me aware of the love and hate possibilities in others and myself. It helped me to be aware of my values and to strengthen them.

Praying my continual prayer, “The power of love”( It) also helped me to allow waning cycles in my life to fall by the wayside in order to make room for another cycle already forming within myself. A spectrum of symbols, insights, and poetic form poured forth showing the way. One symbol I used to design a large banner which hung above the altar for Easter season at my church. The symbol is a large black rock on a round of earth.

The rock is cracked with streams of white flowing upward into a huge lotus with a yellow center against a blue, blue sky. This symbol represents Christ’s rising in glory and man becoming.

This continual prayer was like the monks disciplined spiritual tuning I read about except they purposely prayed all the time. All through the day and wakeful moments at night the melody pervaded my being. It continuously brought insights of spiritual or sublimated meaning. The major insight was God’s love as the impetus to evolution as a reality that Catholic teaching was still not sure about accepting. How freeing it was to accept God’s continual hand in our becoming more instead of trying to keep thoughts of evolution possibilities from entering my mind. The prayer helped me to be guileless and pure. Not that I always succeeded but I was more aware of what I was doing and whether I was acting compulsively or not. More examples: From my childhood years of sleeping under the stars I often felt the power of the night sky with the brilliant stars shining so brightly that pale light shone around me. I often pondered the vastness that influenced much wonder in my young mind.

I was seeking pure mystery and had the openness to any possibility. Prayerful energy went into this open seeking “to know 'the power of love.” Conversely, energy was generated by being in prayer and by the insights gleaned. I experienced a deeper reality; the power of love in spiritual friendship, the power of love in giving myself to my children, the power of love in teaching CCD, the power of love in studying and teaching Teilhard de Chardin. In my early childhood I lived in a loving and caring family but now I knew about and experienced new dimensions. I pondered love in the whole universe generating new life and evolving our greater human family.

"The power of love," was/is my prayer. This prayer--always there, did not require a book, a picture, or a church. The basis of love was sought with purity and humility. The continual prayer, awkward at first, because I was not used to noticing it until it established itself. Eventually, "the power of love," sang itself like background music through all the other patterns of my life. Consciousness was enhanced and energized by oscillation between the prayer and my daily patterns of experience.

The prayer was never in the way of consciousness streams but forms an alliance with the other processes. The biological, aesthetic, intellectual and dramatic patterns of experience all did their own thing. In other words, I was living a normal housewife and mother life, while also moving to the pervading wisdom melody. In this manner my mystic love moved toward the object of love's desire, God. My mystic life became creatively aglow, energized by prayer. Symbolism and sublimation walked hand in hand through the sensual world turning it into one or all.

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Sometimes prayer and body movements were born at the same time, as though out of each other. Every cell of my body would be alert to worship. Sometimes the surrounding atmosphere was freeing to the body. For instance, one day, walking alone on the desert, my larynx activated a praise, "Holy, Holy, Holy!" like Moses uttered on the desert when he saw the burning bush and my hands reached down to remove my sandals so my feet could be placed on Holy ground.

My arms may often stretch out forming a cross of abandon. Or, while sitting on a church pew, my hands moved the rosary beads, beads and chain, beads...on and on into a rhythm induced meditation pervaded with God. Often my body participation activated conscious memories, imagination, symbols and insights. These in turn affected bodily functions.

My eyes coming to rest on an icon, like a picture of a saint in prayer a couple of minutes each day, for even a month, brought nuances of insights and or prayer.

Sometimes my eyes saw a candle glow yellow, greener, bluer or redder depending on what consciousness chose. This demonstrated how the intellect and the body are a working pair.

Sometimes I used my rhythms of breathing combined with my repetitive wisdom melody, “The Power of Love” to form a pendulum effect for deepening meditation and therefore consciousness flow. When the clatter of mind is quieted there is a different consciousness flow that is sublime and transcendent more in tune with the larger universe. Consciousness flow from my deep center sometimes emitted direction for my life. Direction for life is the point of meditation. In the quietness of meditation one is more open to and in tune with the direction the Creator pulls us toward. This direction pulls us toward a loving attitude and lets the ‘must haves’ and ‘must does’, go.

My spiritual intellect continued to find creative ways of opening to God. God's presence was felt often like a flush of love coming over me. Feeling God's presence when in deep meditation was and is now very personal and special. However this is not the leap of consciousness to Transfigured Union with God which I eventually experienced.

I continued to be inspired by Teilhard's belief in love born out of God's activity within our being. "Love as well as thought, is always in full growth in the noosphere (Teilhard’s thinking envelope around the earth). The excess of its expanding energy over the daily diminishing needs of human propagation is becoming more evident. This means that love is tending, in its fully hominized (family of humans) form, to fulfill a much larger function than the mere call to reproduction." Building the earth by Teilhard de Chardin, dimension books 1965. The larger function was to be building love in the thinking envelope around the earth.

My wisdom melody, "the power of love" continued to pervade my consciousness.

It was the song of my longing. It continued to sing itself, unbidden now, permeating my thoughts and my actions. The wisdom melody, was born out of pondering Teilhard and the pure desire to know.

My spiritual studies continued with Jesuits, close friends, parish priests, and my children. Everyone and everything was a source of learning seen through the screen of my wisdom melody. The wisdom melody brought me face to face with total mystery…a religious experience of God.

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The Bond of Pure Love, Mystical Friendship Some of my relationships deepened to mystical friendship. Mystical friendship was a spontaneous bond of two or our group in critical spiritual seeking. The sublimation within mystical friendship expanded consciousness of God's presence and carried us beyond ourselves into the realm of God’s love. The early Christians were commented on…”see how they love one another.”

I would later learn, mystical friendship was recognized in the master-student relationship of the East. However, this pure relationship may be between any persons who are in a guileless spiritual seeking. Some persons became spiritual symbols for other persons. Spiritual love for another person symbolizes love for God. We learned to revere each other for our highest capability, our love of God. Our morality became purified by spiritual love.

We found the spirituality within each person ignited the spirit in the other. We were not always physically attracted to each other but we were spiritually attracted. There was a purity in these relationships freeing the persons to experience God's penetrating presence. Empathy enlarged one another's spiritual soul. Our pure love freed each other’s soul.

Person-love seeded contemplation of God and gave us courage to be open to our powerful God. The spark, the interaction in our mystical friendship set us agape with reverent wonder and rebirth of the spirit. The paradox was always present in the form of the joy and the fear of the closeness.

I recalled Teilhard's evolutionary sense of God, always welding within, continuing to develop us toward greater, purer love. These insights were gleaned as I continued to sing my wisdom melody, to know, “the power of love.”

At this time the church and the strict regimen for priesthood began to change because of Vatican II. Sensitivity therapy encouraged the priest aspirants to experiment with feelings. They were experiencing new areas of joy and pain. Their heavy scholastic schedule made it difficult to integrate their experiences.

My friends and I were prayerful and compassionate about the pending ordination of friends. We lay people wanted our church to flourish. We wanted to be a vital part of the growth. We saw our young novices as the hopeful yet, suffering symbols of new life.

We were prayerful, attended masses, sent uplifting messages, arranged social gatherings, taught CCD with them, discussed religion, discussed their problems, our problems, and our families' problems. Of course we shared much joy, also.

One evening several tired mothers and I tried to create a hand drawn poster expressing our prayer and concern for seminarian friends whose comprehensive examinations were pending. I looked for a certain quote from Teilhard. The quotation was in The Divine Milieu, a favorite book of our friend. How appropriate: "...in action I adhere to the creative power of God; I coincide with it; I become not only its instrument but its living extension...The will to succeed, a certain passionate delight in the work to be done, form an integral part of our creaturely fidelity."

The Divine Milieu by Teilhard de Chardin, Harper Torchbooks, Harper & row, Publishers 1968, New York and Evanston, p.62, 63.

In a creative moment I tore a strip of blueprint paper, crinkled it, soaked it in 39

coffee and dried it in the oven. Then wrote the “creative power” quotation and drew designs on it, soaked it in coffee again making the text and drawings look faded into the paper. After drying it the second time the color was just right and the paper looked like papyrus. I rolled the “papyrus” and tied it with burlap threads making it like an ancient scroll.

Another Jesuit friend handed the scroll to our aspirant as he boarded the plane to take his exams in San Diego. The prayer bundle entered his work and involvement in a meaningful manner. The message penetrated the surface of his work with an influx of our caring, with “the power of love.” My wisdom melody continued to sing itself.

Mystical friendship was found to be the spiritual bonding of two or more persons in a guileless freedom enabling each other to grow in the consciousness of God. Bonding in spiritual seeking is of utmost importance since we are social creatures.

Spiritual bonding is on the cutting edge of personal encounters and is respected, more, revered.

This chapter is a good example of pure love’s power that I refer to often throughout my work and was the pure love power in my perpetual prayer, “the power of love.”

John Mc Murry, SS p.73

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Chapter III PURE LOVE'S MOMENT, INFINITY

The Womb of Creation, the Light and the Word My children, some spiritual friends and I made a pilgrimage to meet God. We went to Mass as a group almost every Sunday. This particular Sunday seven of us rode up above Los Gatos on Bear Creek Road to Alma College, the Jesuit Seminary. My Ford Club Wagon climbed through the redwoods, onto the Jesuit grounds where there were pathways around serene meditation lakes and into beautiful areas of shaded grasses and ferns.

This was one bright Sunday morning in December 1967. A special peace and harmony permeated our little group as we looked forward to the engaging experimental liturgy. The young theologians presented new and lively music played by guitar as entrance rites and throughout the Mass celebration at Alma College.

Johnny said, "Can we feed the ducks right after Mass?"

I answered, "Yes..."

"Can I take the bread bag in to Mass with us?"

"No, John. You can get it from the car afterwards. We are a little late. Lets go." I said, as I parked the car.

We straightened our clothes and moved as a unit swiftly up the walk. We saw Jesuit friends making liturgy preparations. Practice of "The Lord of the Dance" sounded cheerful and inviting. The chapel was packed with Jesuits and people assembled from Santa Clara Valley. Johnny offered to stand. He faded into the large crowd in the back. I was mildly concerned about John as the rest of us sat crowded in a pew. To my relief some of our Jesuit friends welcomed and joined him. Later, little Johnny and some Jesuit friends walked up to communion together solemn and shy, sharing their reverence.

The Mass was a joyful worship. Afterward the throng moved slowly out to the lawns. The children were off to get the bread and feed the ducks. Many people were visiting and making plans for the theologians’ spring ordinations. We settled into a small group of our intimate friends and spoke about comprehensive exams, ordinations, and celebrations.

Indeed, the I-thou relationship of peace, pure love, and desire for the good formed out of our mystical friendships. I felt complete and calm freedom. I experienced pure love's moment, a freedom to be myself. My wisdom melody, " the power of love" quietly 41

sang itself oscillating beyond our conversation.

Suddenly, I experienced sharp pain in the center of my body. Immediately my awareness inadvertently focused on the pain. The pain flushed through my body. I wasn't aware of anyone or anything around me after the pain began.

I was silent, ego-less, and alone with the pain. I felt completely vulnerable as mystery engulfed me. From somewhere, I questioned, "What is this pain?"

My awareness changed to two levels. I observed the formation and operation of my new autonomous consciousness outside my body. This new consciousness an energy located itself with speed and immediacy. It went forward beyond any transcendence I had known. This transcendence was energy that arced from the area of my head to about three feet in front and slightly above my body. It was an extension of myself. I could see myself! The inner-eye of my normal awareness watched this autonomous new consciousness form outside, above my body space‌it formed unbidden, fast, and powerful.

My powerful new consciousness knew exactly what to do; it was self-actuating. It directed itself to the source of the pain in my body. The pain was emanating from the very center, the immanent center of my body.

I saw through my flesh to this center of myself. I was no longer aware of my natural body. My body space became translucent. Everything finite was eclipsed by my new consciousness.

Ordinary faculties faded into a new way of perceiving. Normal consciousness was merely an observer and recorder of what it experienced. My powerful sacred consciousness directed itself to the unfolding source of pain in the center of my body.

The pain was still piercing.

My Sacred consciousness had senses that saw through the finite world to observe the eternal world. This new awareness penetrated through my clothing. The effort was complete and worldly attire faded to nothing, as did my flesh and bone. I was no longer aware of my body, surroundings, or my friends.

From the center of the pain an alive, dark, and glossy oval shape appeared. Then the pain ceased!

The Word, "Womb" came to my new view and new hearing.

I was hearing soundless sound and seeing nonexistent words. Now, an eclipse of my finite body, the world, and sound was complete. I was aware of myself present and as background. My Sacred consciousness predominated as I experienced Infinite reality.

In this realm my physical body was eclipsed but its location was used for the center of the unfolding experience. The dark oval shape appeared in the center of my flesh-less womb. The shape was an alive, potent black with great depth. Out of this center a white, small figure began moving forward as though walking.

I questioned, "Is it Mary?"

The answer came, "No (not negating), but it is more." The significant more was purity and new life.

I, my Sacred consciousness was completely centered on the unfolding experience.

The no-thing awareness was constant. The powerful striving became calm. Effort ceased as I saw and heard what the experience was. Meanwhile my ordinary perception was aware of my more powerful consciousness. Sacred consciousness was aware of the Infinite creation, the Light and the Word.

Divine serenity and ease pervaded the experience now. Meanwhile, the perpetual 42

potency of the dark center was eternal and alive in motion. Without effort, narrow curving rays of Light flowed out from the dark center and beyond. The rays were serene, perpetual, and eternal in motion. The dark center related to the center of my body as though moving through me. When the center action was firm it remained constantly moving throughout the unfolding of the experience.

Without effort, narrow curving rays of light flowed out from the center just out of the dark form. The rays were serene, perpetual and eternal. The experience continued to unfold. Perpetual rays of light shone outward from the center while the Word seen and heard was, "Jesus."

This name was given along with the first flowing radiant Light from the constant dark center. There was order, constancy, ease, and power overwhelming my ordinary but not my Sacred consciousness. In this fountain like flow the almost transparent but yet brilliant, slightly curved streams of Light flowed out with perpetual motion.

I was aware of the Infinite motion, the Light, and the Word.

These rays of Light continued to flow from the center. Another circle of dark and its out flowing Light formed beyond these already active areas displaying curved rays of light in a larger circumference. This second perpetual flowing out Light enlarged the area where my translucent body could no longer be seen. The light awareness was clear; however, there was no name as previously accompanying the unfolding. I was instilled with the Word "Awe" letting me know I was within the ground of relationship-Reverence, Holiness, and Wonder.

Even another darkness and radiance formed a halo beyond the first two constant displays of Light. At this time, there were three ovals of continuous flowing Light. All of the Light flowed from the center outward. There was a continuous living darkness in the center and the dark spacing between the three ovals of translucent light. For this event I was Transfigured in Union with God’s disclosure. The Word resounded, "GOD!" Sacred consciousness made me aware of my envelopment in the Triune Light and the Word. The complete area of my translucent body was enveloped in perpetual and Triune Light. My body was transfigured in Light and the Word “God” instructed me that the event was Union with God’s disclosure, in the form of radiating light and Word..

The Sacred experience was over as quickly as it began. But, I would always know I am in the eternal dimension as well as the finite world.

I had immediate reflection from memory of my numinous center. This center was described by the word, “Womb.” All the Light and action was calm, orderly, perpetual, engrossing, vital, absorbing, Glorious, and Transfiguring. My ordinary body senses and faculties were eclipsed by this greater power which showed me the Triune God within and flowing outward from my center. From this experience I know, myself to be living in the eternal dimension as well as in the finite world.

My Sacred consciousness had no vague dream or thought pattern. The experience was determined, precise, universal, orderly, and transfiguring. This Sacred consciousness was not meditation, drug altercation, ecstasy, feelings, dreams, visions or hallucinations.

This experience was not visions because visions are something one “sees” outside of one’s self. The experience was not mystical because there was no loss of, nor heightening of normal senses. Normal senses were in abeyance while the sacred revealed a new dimension to myself. In fact this sacred element of consciousness that sees a spiritual dimension of one’s self may be as major a leap in evolution as from simple animal consciousness to intelligent human consciousness. I was fully aware of my new sacred 43

consciousness abilities of seeing and hearing my eternal dimensions, my body transparency, and my Transfiguration by the perpetual Light and the Word.

Infused Love, Humility, and Worship

When the experience was over, my complete, normal awareness returned. After the above noted brief flash, recalling myself being shown my inner Being, Glorious Essence, I was once more involved in the scene of quiet exchange with friends. No one seemed aware of anything unusual. I was later told that I had drifted off the topic of conversation.

But, I had drastically changed. I had experienced God. God perpetually flows through the center of my self , my soul and for a brief few moments into my conscious awareness. This experience, beyond time and space, was simple and uncontaminated revelation of God by God. Little by little I allowed the magnitude of the experience to integrate my life. Like Buddha, I returned to the experience with renewed awe. I slowly integrated the powerful love and insights into my life.

I later found this experience referred to as Union with God in the Christian world.

My life was overwhelmed with love, joy, humility, and infused prayer. Often, spiritual verse passed through my mind such as: The Triune beauty once seen ablaze in my spirit had engraved itself upon my memory in a clear and precise incision.

There it remains to be my companion until my body's finite death when its beauty now in memory will be my Eternal view.

Here in this finite life God had revealed God to me.

God was always with me but now I was aware of being the image of God. I know this perpetual shining through of God to be the true nature of human life.

We are born of God, a Holy people. We live in the milieu of Eternity.

Our Sacred consciousness experiences The reality of our Self in Eternity while we live here on earth.

1. My memory was flooded with the holy revelations after God’s dynamic disclosure of the Trinity Transfiguring myself. I was overjoyed with new realization that imminent and transcendent God resides within myself. Having memory of God is very different than having faith in God and it is also different from the immediate experience of God or heuristic knowledge of God. For years after the experience, my many hours of repetitive housework in my daily routine afforded time to ponder over the effusion of spiritual insights wrought by this Sacred “the power of love” experience.

2. Prolific prayer autonomy of the Sacred experience was at least six months of infused prayer, soft tears, thanksgiving, humility, and love and pure moral direction. The moral aspect was toward purity and love. Prayer of sweet humility and praise issued forth without my instigation. Sometimes the prayer was verbal but mostly silent.

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3. The Spiritual experience left me shocked by a tremendous surge of knowledge and dedication to the ground of being which is perpetually within. Love energy flowed out unbidden. Infused contemplation and soft tears were the mainstream of my life. The tears would flow easily but heavy and so exuberant as to come from my very depths. The tears often lasted several hours. These were sheer beautiful tears that didn't leave my eyes disturbed. They were tears of thanksgiving, humility and love rather than anguish.

Many times at Mass I experienced the feeling of Divine presence and tears from a spiritual well flowed without my being aware. Then, I would be embarrassed when asked what was wrong. I was so happy, so filled with joy but the paradox of what I experienced was beyond explanation.

I was left with devotion, humility, tears of joy, and an important responsibility.

The responsibility was both to integrate the revelation into my life and to witness to my relationship with God. My Spiritual experience carried the awesome responsibility of bearing a child. I was given the deep conviction that the experience was to grow and live inside myself and out in the world. I feel the experience has become a mission in my life.

Several years after this Sacred experience, in 1972, I dedicated myself to revive Western Mysticism which the Roman Church’s Inquisition brutalities of the 15th and 16th centuries almost put an end to and did force spiritual experience underground. I will refer to this dedication again,…

4. Self fulfillment I was keenly aware that I was not different from anyone else in spiritual bonding with God. The difference lay only in my experience of the Immanence we all share.

My Emotional Response to the Experience of God My experience of God was free of anything finite. Emotions were not part of the central experience. However, after I returned to normal consciousness my emotions were impacted by the serenity of Revelation. Within the next few days after this central experience my emotions gradually intensified signifying the impact of the numinous experience's meaning and value. Initially my emotions interpreted the meaning and value of the experience. My greater understanding and reevaluation of the experience would slowly unfold over a period of many years...

The experience left me with strong, benevolent feelings of unexpected gift. God had communicated my Divine nature to me. This very personal revelation was the Beatific sight of Trinitarian God centered within my-Self, with layers of beatific light flowing outward from this God center. In this personal contact ---God intimately unleashed “the power of love” within my-Self, Transfiguring my-Self in Glory.

My human emotion touched and enabled by God brought profound joy to my life.

I was delighted by the element of surprise and gift. God showed Divine power and love to be the unexpected source of my Being. This personal nurturing was intimate from God to my-Self. My response to God's intimacy was felt as humble devotion and thanksgiving. God's primordial fusion and ground of my-Self in Glory left no doubt in my emotional interpretation of the experience. This special communication of God to my-Self deeply embedded my love and security. It enormously enhanced my own ability to nurture. I began to see the complexity of nurturing as the enabling ground of evolution 45

at the human level.

Calling out and being called out is a basic and essential function of human interaction. A mother's caressing, hugging, kissing and cuddling are the baby’s physical language of being called out to freedom. The verbal caress of enabling language carries the calling-out into later life. Calling out is the evolutionary form of love. The grandeur of my given experience honored and dignified my-Self. I was fascinated, astounded, and energized by the numinous well of God's power pouring through my-Self. I was awakened to a solemn joy within, a basis of peace and quiet. My feeling God's presence from memory after I was again in the finite world became my continual condition.

My Sacred consciousness was an evolutionary leap beyond complex finite precepts. My experience of the powerful new operations gave me a self-confident trust in evolution of consciousness. Sacred consciousness revealed the ground of my Being flowing out from the Godhead in power and Glory. How reverent I felt and how praise giving I became!

Myself is humble in appreciation of my greater SELF, my Sacred consciousness, and my Image of God. I was humble and moved by being shown the vast horizon of Eternity. The step-up in consciousness opened me to the pure realm of Infinity.

My soothed and heightened emotions often opened to poetic expression of the great beauty and grandeur of the central experience. Soft tears and awe accompany poetic expressions.

The Wilderness of Surprise The heart bursts a silent joy, Into the wilderness of surprise.

As passion power holds, unfolds A self form Radiant One. Hidden, yet alive-aglow, In the depths of flesh and mind.

Ennobled love in time and space, Shines empowered lights central place.

Beyond the past, the future, the now, Fleshy entrails rent and bow.

Mind's love does new sight endow, Observing Trinity's grace in the wombed bough.

And the heart bursts a silent joy, Into the wilderness of surprise. 1978 The poem expresses power, radiance and the flesh torn and bowing. All of these expressions came out of my Sacred experience. The wilderness as with Meister Eckhart is the infinite unknown, the wilderness of my consciousness retained by memory of my central experience. It is the uncharted Eternity within/without my own finite life...beyond my routine existence. It is the secret conscious adventure our complex but finite consciousness cannot take. I am profoundly moved by the happy chance of my pure love's moment. Predominant good feelings energized hope for the future. I envisaged mastery and self-esteem enabling more people to the autonomy of their Sacred consciousness in the great adventure, God’s disclosure. Perhaps future people would find joy in Sacred consciousness worthy of a self-discipline and pure love endeavor.

5. Insights Perhaps we as a world people will plot the map for the evolutionary leap to this new consciousness level. Perhaps people's changed view of themselves and the 46

universe will effect their dedication to conscious evolution. Pure love and uninhibited consciousness does provide the environment necessary for the future of reverent wonder.

The adventurer, the hero will be satisfied with nothing less than to experience their self evolving.

6. Questions arising especially about the negativity toward mysticism--below.

Enter Paradox I had only positive and energizing feelings about my Sacred experience. But, enter paradox when I tried to share my experience and feelings over the years. It soon became apparent more understanding of the experience was needed. Where was I to learn? I encountered total lack of understanding prevalent among the many 'religious' I knew and/or had studied with. I was utterly frustrated.

My parish priests met my mysticism with negativity and suspicion. Also, the young seminarians in our CCD program at St. Victor's Parish found my interest in mysticism humorous. While they liked me as a person they talked about my “eccentricity” among themselves. I detested their thinking me odd.

About a year after my experience I began to survey other religions by attending their classes in the Santa Clara Valley. I also studied the Rosecrucian Museum's instruction through the mail. I began to hear of Eastern Mysticism everywhere. My older children knew of it from their friends, my high school CCD groups talked about it, and Aldux Huxley's books were on the market. I anguished over Western Mysticism's disappearance.

The year was 1972 when I made a firm resolve to revive Western Mysticism. A total cultural change in attitude, from antiquity's mysticism being suspect to Sacred consciousness and its experience of God being revered, would be necessary. My spiritual integrity furnished energy to pursue this goal. I was patient in preparing myself. Little did I know the extent of resistance I would encounter.

I found reverence for the same type experience in the Bible and among some Carmelites. I took a three-year series of courses on Saint John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila at the Saint Joseph Carmelite Monastery in the East hills of San Jose. These courses were given under the auspices of John Kennedy University. One semester I chose Eckhart for my class participation presentation. It was well received.

During the question period someone commented about my exceptional grasp of Eckhart and asked where I studied his work. I replied the understanding came from my own mystical experience. There was that uncomfortable silence again implying insolence on my part. I didn't know how to handle the discomfort.

Then Fr. James Gahagan quickly changed the subject to Eckhart's prayer life. I was left feeling stripped of my presentation authority and humiliated. The insidious effect of denial was even prevalent within classes given by the Carmelite order. While they presented “brilliant” courses on past mystics they seemed closed to present day experience. So, I gleaned what I could from their historical and sainted mystics’ lives.

When the courses were over I left feeling grateful in one way. But we had completely missed each other on the personal level so there was nothing else to learn from them.

They certainly were not open to learn from my experience.

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Thank God for the underlying strength gleaned from my experience of God; because, I was devastated to be silenced in the most important matter in my life. Again I questioned; where did this denial attitude arise? How could western mysticism be revived in this closed and secreted culture?

About 1978 I took a course on Teilhard de Chardin even though I had already studied much about his thought. This course was at the Arch Diocesan Seminary in Menlo Park, Ca. I included Teilhard's mysticism in my assigned class presentation. My efforts were again met with that horrible silence of 'something forbidden.' I thought, if I broached the subject of masturbation it wouldn't have a worse reception. I was greatly frustrated and humiliated but I kept my cool and pursued my goal even at this heavy price.

The cold response to mysticism seemed to be everywhere I turned. My curiosity peaked. I felt like screaming, "Why, why," each time mysticism was 'put in place.'

Through the request of a young college student, Professor Marie Fox of San Jose State University asked me to present my Chart of Western Mysticism and tell of my experience in her course, Philosophy of Religion. My presentation was well received by the students and I was asked to do several more talks as well as provide charts for her students. Dr Fox had to resign her tenured position two years after I met her. She couldn't teach where she felt stifled with regard to the mystical quality of her courses. She was tired of fighting. She was courageous in not compromising her teaching. But, it was sad the students were deprived of her mystical bent. Again I found culture is closed, closed!

Culture and society has rules and when you break the rules you have high drama.

Christian power killed many mystics and this treatment is definitely high drama.

Thousands of people have met horrendous deaths trying to present the Holy energy charged nucleus of persons. My struggle is to get the story told facing ostracizing and possible death. Jesus tried to show us the future possibilities of who we are by saying to watch for the New Paraclete (The Holy Spirit).

About 1973, I became interested in Bernard Lonergan's, Insight A Study of Human Understanding. My aim was to understand more about my central experience.

Studying Lonergan's work was a strain on my mental processes but I persevered. As I studied more I realized I was already in the process of understanding. But, I could deepen the scope for greater understanding of my unusual experience.

Lonergan came to the Santa Clara University where he held an open question period in the Benson Center. One question I had for him was about a current author, "Is Hans Kung in trouble with church authority because he is asking 'all the questions?' That query caused some agitation on Lonergan's part. Well I was off to a bad start.

When the room cleared I approached him and asked, "How can your work help me understand a mystical experience I've had."

My query was terminated by; "We don't talk about that."

The finality of that sentence was a painful blow. I felt stunned. I felt cut off by someone whose fame was, “Asking all the questions.” What a paradox. I didn't understand there were several reasons for Lonergan's abruptness until several years later.

One day I was struck by Lonergan's comments in his chapter, “Self-Affirmation of the Knower.” He said, "When I listen to the story of Archimedes and when I read the recital of a mystical experience there is a marked difference. What a mystic experiences I do not know. But, though I never enjoyed so remarkable an insight as Archimedes, still I do know what it is to miss the point and to get the point..." (footnote Lonergan's 48

Insight)**** Now, I was really intrigued because I began to catch on to self-affirmation.

But, I still questioned what happened to his desire to know about my mysticism.

Eventually my studies of mystic’s experience and their lives revealed that they too, like Socrates, Jesus, and others suffered dismissal and harsh treatment. Down through the centuries Christianity and all authority took on the classicist mind set which resisted individual person's mystical Revelation by God. In the early centuries AD, secrecy, separation, punishment, fear of the devil, and murder truncated Mystic’s experience of God. This blockage became deeply entrenched over the past 1700 years Mysticism was not only shrouded by the natural cloud of unknowing but was more and more obscured by the cloud of not wanting to know. It seemed even Lonergan did not want to know. This problem is large; it is a cultural denial of humanity's greatest potential. It is a grave perpetration against human dignity and God's loving and enabling action, Revelation. Whatever happened to love?

My revelation of God brought sweet joy that does not diminish. But, being abandoned by people’s refusal of understanding and suspicion of my credibility brought pain and perplexity. I felt ambivalent about Lonergan. I felt him yielding his intelligence to authority in religion while brilliantly enhanced the scope of human understanding in other areas. I tenaciously pondered his work. Eventually, I used my memory and insights from Sacred consciousness plus Lonergan's detailed transcendental precepts to renew and clarify mystical theology.( Tim says…good.)

Before my thoughts started to form an organic whole I had one more disappointing experience. I went to William Johnston, S.J. to discuss a presentation I would make on Process in Mysticism. I felt our exchange uneasy and controlled. He cautioned me about the content of my presentation and said, "Don't be specific." (Tim-This reflects the traditional view that we are incapable of knowing what God is and speak of Him “in a Cloud of Unknowing” or, as Johnston expresses it, as “Silent Music.”

I pondered the burden of Johnston's restrictions. I was trained to consult priests and act on their advice. But, I knew the whole process in mysticism needed an explication, not vague wispy gossamer. Johnston was present at the conference. I felt his disapproval and regretted consulting him.

Yet, I found myself yielding to Johnston's direction when I made the presentation.

I found myself elongating, to boredom, description of my spiritual formation and I shortened the description of my central Mystical experience and its aftermath. What I had hoped for was encouragement to describe my central experience's process. I was optimistic about Johnston because he studied Lonergan's process work and is known as a mystical theologian. What I didn't need was negativity and cautions. I have learned, to steer clear of theologians or give my attention to, why they are compulsively cautious about mysticism. Recently Norman Lear addressed the National Education Association calling for a rediscovery of spirituality and morality. Huge questions spawn within myself when I hear addresses like Lear's or when I focused on years of little progress and much decline in current religion.

I continually longed for the rich story of ongoing experiential religion to open up and ignite religious fervor once more. I am tired of the classical mind that forced mysticism underground for 1700 years, I hated guilt ridden original sin homilies. I felt embarrassed about weak justification of any religion that wanted to remain antiquated. I was often pained by the platitudes of stultifying spiritual leaders in my life. The following poem depicts an accumulation of frustration and insights about denial and 49

decline in religion.

Witness to continuing Revelation I always wanted to know, The God Loving 'goodness,' so.

I searched for truth 'out there,' And learned dogmas everywhere.

Finally, Teilhard quelled my searching-out.

I learned; pure love brings 'Thy Self' about.

'Thy Self' in prayer has no bounds and, To 'Thy Self' God reveals God. As only affirming memories show.

Yet--a haunting legality--Authority's, "No!" With the professionally trained finality, "We don't talk about that reality!

And go back to the 'only truth' you should sow."

But the 'only truth' is Biblical mind's claim To have caught God in a time frame.

With no living witness to challenge the past, Present day interpretation leaves me aghast.

Weakened, religion is in decline.

So, this time round, I'll not deny my ground.

My memory remains sound to help, Mystical based religion abound.

I witness to continuing Revelation, "A step into Eternity, one glorious day, I beheld the blessed Trinity in Holy array."

But, with sullen pride underway, Some people's dour glances betray, "How dare she say, God treated her that way?"

Singling out's not it...let's agree, The God given is a Mystical ability. evolving to attend our Divine Reality.

Eons ago, personal consciousness began, God's there, beyond and before...

We awaken enough and God illumines us more.

When Mystical Revelations came, Through a power filled hue, 50

The limited rational mind in awe, Grasped only what its finitude saw.

Thus, Sacred consciousness, When only a child was stunted in its growth, By authoritarian classical mind not mild.

For some...book locked to this hour, Is God's Revealing power.

The 'end of Revelation' was a rational wield.

It was a take-over of the West's Holy field.

Since then, theologians tell us...

What to say...and not to say.

While, Infinitely and Eternally, 'The power of love' radiates out God's open door, And prayer-pure consciousness reveals evermore.

Centuries of world mystics attest to this core.

I found it helpful to express my anger as it arose. Through journal and poetry writing I moved to positive work without stuffing the flood of pain I had to deal with and heal. The validity of my anger released me to develop relevant mystical theology from the basis of my experience rather than from scanty notations in the Bible or even in mystic's writing. Mystics’ writing was often deemed heretical by the classical mind set and was secreted to obscurity. I'm very clear on the elements of my Mystical experience.

My memory is the basis for development of mystical theology through Lonergan’s transcendental precepts.

According to Lonergan, progress is made by development not secrecy. Therefore, Mystical experience developed through transcendental precepts would be a theology preferable to one based on “self evident” principles.

When I looked back, none of my lengthy studies into religion prepared me for the wondrous reality of integrating this Holy experience into my life. I was less prepared than Moses or Ezekiel. In my later studies I would realize, their culture acknowledged direct relationship with God. But, why hadn't we progressed in development? My lack was of the fine tune of transcendental precepts for development. Perhaps this was the Church Fathers’ lack, also.

At first, I was unable to fully understand and communicate the profound meaning of the experience to others. I felt a failure in this respect. I had energy for outward expression but I bridled it. I knew how to be a parent to my five children but not to this new mission. Here lies the paradox, the revelation was crystal clear in my memory but it required further understanding and integration.

Teresa of Avila had similar problems with the understanding of her mysticism. Of course she also had to deal with the terrifying inquisition sponsored by those organized to do away with her (and my) 'heresy.' Eventually she did find a helpful confessor as the following quotations show.

"My confessor...I knew they (her superiors) used to tell him that he must be on his 51

guard against me, lest the devil should deceive him into believing anything I might say to him, and they gave him similar examples of what had happened with other people. All this worried me. I was afraid that there would be no one left to hear my confession, and that everyone would flee from me; I did nothing but weep." TA Vol. I, p.185 "Almost from the beginning, I saw that, out of his own experience, he understood me. And that was all I needed; for I did not understand myself then as I do now, and I could not describe what I was experiencing. Since that time God has granted me the ability to understand and describe the favors which His Majesty sends me. But I just needed someone who had gone through it all himself, for such a person alone could understand me and interpret my experiences. He enlightened me wonderfully about them.

I did not see how I could understand the nature of visions which I saw with the eyes of the soul, for, as I have said, I had thought that only visions which can be seen with the bodily eyes are of any importance, and of these I had none." TA Vol. I p.195 I thought how wonderful for future spiritual seekers to have experienced counselors encouragement. This would be enabling love.

About this time my integration process was overshadowed by an unexpected paradox causing great pain for my entire family and myself. It was the betrayal of our family's dignity and trust by a 'friend' of the family and a 'priest of God.' Since then our footsteps either don't go or reluctantly go through the door of a Catholic Church.

Needless to say we are reluctant to have priests as family friends.

I ask myself many questions. The main question forms because I feel guilty about bringing a hurtful person into our family home. Why didn't I detect the sexual addiction of this gay priest?

Spiritual decline,...

(I have written eight pages, very graphic)

Integration of Mysticism Back to the reality of integrating mysticism. I was constantly barraged with questions from my inquisitive mind. How did organized religion and the Biblical texts fit with my new understanding of religion? First I needed to see what the revelation meant in my life. I also, needed to understand what traits, habits, and disposition opened me to the experience. Beyond the given experience and the memory of it there were always further imperative questions formulating in my mind.

I had the prevalent predilection that God doesn't give without responsibility. I was seriously changed, forever changed. I was as changed as when one has an insight; there is no going back to the mental set before the insight. Similarly, there was no going back to the narrow classical minded confines of spirituality before this Revelation. What was Revealed was and still is the bread of my life.

After the experience I needed to ponder the presentments. Suddenly my whole life had to be rethought in light of one experience. My inquisitive mind had fuel for many hours of imperative thought. I need to integrate God's infusion of love and knowledge into all aspects of my life. The utter pain of not having time and direction for integrating the experience began to be a problem. I kept more to myself, which caused questions by my family and friends.

The experience was too personal for me to share at this time. I didn't know how to 52

talk about it, and I knew I would be tearful if I did attempt to talk about it. The experience was not yet in perspective. I was not aware that anything similar had happened to anyone else. When thoughts of comparison with transfiguration entered my mind I would push them back. Yet, I knew I had to face that comparison. I had to be true to the revelation and to myself. Oh, God how I prayed and asked for strength.

I never thought of Trinity in relationship to myself but my sacred experience caused me to know the Triune God perpetually flows into and through my being. This was a universal experience. I have no doubt this same action is within and throughout every human and perhaps every particle of creation. Teilhard says there is a tendency to unite even in primal matter and that tendency becomes more energized as matter becomes more complex. That is, there is a more complex and compelling tendency to unite in cells and humans than in simpler matter.

At first I thought my central experience was miraculous. Sometimes I thought other persons must have caused it to happen. Gradually I realized the instigator was not 'out there,' instead it was the Holy Spirit-the new Paraclete working through me.

Translated into language of consciousness, it means we are evolving and some humans experience a higher consciousness. This new Sacred consciousness is capable of reflecting on God's Revelation of God emanating within us out of the Godhead or Nothing.

I pondered why everyone was unaware of what happened. I knew the power in mystical friendships helped me be open to God, because I had experienced the power in our bonding. I regarded one relationship with special awe and numinous expectation. It was similar to Buber's I-Thou bonding. This person was soon to be ordained to priesthood. He became a symbol of my spiritually enabling nature.

I also acknowledged the reverence of dedicating my life to God. Perhaps my direct experience of God had been God's way of 'ordaining' me in Holiness. God and I were the only ones knowing of this ordination. Our quiet celebration was one of infused love, sweet humility, and soft tears of perpetual well.

I felt loved and loving but I also felt very alone. I felt no one understood my new life. There were many paradoxes.

In retrospect I realized that my physical eyes also recorded something of what they saw while eclipsed. I have a strong photographic memory of a shirt and sweater. The sweater had a fine weave and one button at the top was open. Also the shirt was of a fine weave polyester. Both garments were made from the black fabric of the novice. I may have been staring during the experience.

I recall what my physical eyes saw directly in my gaze but I have no recollection of conversation between the other persons and myself. I have no recollection of sounds or any finite surroundings. At the time all the finite surroundings were eclipsed by my Sacred consciousness and the Infinite was experienced as center within myself from which rings of light flowed outward.

I often reviewed the whole experience. The experience was a special consciousness outside myself being aware of myself and seeing into myself to a depth I did not know was there before.

The awareness was the numinous interior, the perpetual flowing out of the Light and the Word. I began to think of this “womb� as the Womb of the universe; the vessel in which God amalgamates body, soul, and spirit and finally releases it to experience itself, to view itself with clarity.

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I remembered how, long before the direct experience of God, my spiritual intellect continued to find creative ways of opening to God, whose presence was then experienced as felt. Feeling God's presence when in deep meditation was very personal and special. However, this was not yet the moment, the leap of consciousness to experience the Transfigured Union with God. Seeking and loving produced a tension born within my natural mystic attitude. Here, even the dramatic was intent on evoking the various patterns of myself beyond insight and concern to the experience of union with the beloved God. This underlying love pervaded until, in a tension of self-played-intellectual-effort, time and space disappeared into Eternity and there I experienced God. With time and space eclipsed Eternity was available to this new level of clear, intelligent, aware, and Sacred consciousness. Perfect Transcendence met the object of desire, God radiant, Transfiguring myself into brilliant Light. This perpetual Light was revealed Trinitarian by triune rays of Light and soundless words identifying, "Jesus, Awe, and God." This experience was union with God. It was not experienced as a felt presence it was experienced as a seen and heard display of radiant Light and dark form in the center of myself and flowing out. The Light and dark had the configuration of Trinitarian God and the accompanying Word defined the Trinity. This total experience was God revealing God to my human potential.

Once I had the Trinitarian experience I had experienced God. Later I read how various mystics attested to, "I am God" and many were killed or tortured for their statement. I understood their utterance because God was immanent and transcendent in my own experience. I understood Revelation as God Revealing God to my Sacred consciousness.

I was grateful to the Jesuits who introduced me to Teilhard. I began to understand love as the main theme in all of Teilhard's scientific work, as well as his poetry. I enjoyed the consolations of spiritual heights and experienced subtle levels of being. The natural, the spiritual, the intellectual, and the symbolic were all crowned with a spiritual milieu for me. Teilhard believed love was born out of the mystical milieu and that the mystical milieu was God active within our being.

Now, it was obvious Teilhard experienced Sacred consciousness; the teacher's essence exuded, radiated to the student. I sensed (along with Teilhard) that our loving consciousness is evolved, Mystical enough to experience our spiritual being. I learned people, other than the Biblical mystics, down through the ages attested to direct experience of God. They had either been punished for telling about their Revelations or founded monasteries to pursue mysticism. Private revelations were often hidden by authority, instead of being taught.

Experience of God was the mystical milieu Teilhard had spoken about. I began to think, it’s our nature to develop Sacred consciousness in order to realize the Holy beauty and depth of being. This is when I first realized that I had experienced myself evolving as well as experiencing God. At least because of evolving to a new level of consciousness, I was able to experience immanent God. I had the insight that Biblical revelation came to people through this similar evolved consciousness.

The Bible, Apostles, and Other Mystics One day I turned to John 16:25 and the passage, "I have been telling you this in metaphors, the hour is coming when I shall no longer speak to you in metaphors; but will tell you about the Father in plain words." This passage had new meaning because I had 54

experienced God. Yes, I had been told about the Father in plain words. Yes, the spirit had inaugurated more perfect instruction, which ended in the vision of God as God is immanent within all of us.

I often turned to the Bible and found I was given radical new meaning for much of Revelation. This changed my perspective of the Bible from ”it is finished” to “it is an example of how God continues to relate personally to humanity as individuals.”

Also, when I finally found some mystics to read, I knew what to look for in their writing. I soon found immediate rapport with their experiences. I studied mystics for years. I was always thrilled to find descriptions of Sacred consciousness. I began to think of Transfiguring Eternal Glory as the basis of our being, Out of which all being flows. I began to think of the intimate relationship of God in Union with us.

A review of the experience was often on my mind: I had seen spontaneously, God constant throughout my being in this distinct, personal, and transcendent manner. My finite existence was eclipsed as was my surroundings I was in a different level of existence. Immediately after the experience I wondered if anyone had noticed what had taken place, apparently it was for me alone.

I remembered how painful it was to set aside thinking and praying about it. I needed to get away from distractions. The interior flood of thoughts demanded my attention. My life was filled with feelings of great blessing, great humility, and powerful Holiness. I had infused prayer that came in a spontaneous manner. I had floods of tearful gratefulness. This elation overflowed for months.

Sometimes the prayer and tears flowed at a time when I 'should' have been involved in the outer life. Yet, I had boundless energy for both spiritual and outer life. It was a very beautiful time for me. I was full of overflowing love for everyone in my life.

Ironically it was a very lonely time. I had been accustomed to share every joy with some other person and this; my sweetest joy was not able to be shared.

For a short while I was able to visit saintly Father Haggaman, S.J. at the Theological Union in Berkeley. He delighted in listening to my endless revealing and prayer. He passed on to his reward soon after I met him. But, he had provided a necessary connection with another human and I am grateful. He was an avid listener and while I felt heard there was no exchange.

I broached the subject of mysticism with other people but I felt I was imposing something not communicable. The last thing I wanted was to impose my holy feelings and thoughts where there was no inclination to understanding or to help me communicate them.

I was living in two worlds. I lacked trust to share intimately. There was always the paradox of the social human wanting to share and the hesitancy. Even the people I had been studying with had no knowledge or personal experience of this type.

My Catholic training had been lacking, as is everyone's, in description of this profound spiritual life. Saints I previously heard of as only goody-goody or were placed on a pedestal and regarded beyond what a lay person could hope to accomplish. We were not taught about their intimate spiritual lives because their holiness was thought to be only for the 'perfected.' We were taught that the perfect “religious” were especially chosen by God to have mystical experiences and others were not chosen.

Saints were presented as moral and charitable examples, of what a 'good' Catholic must be to save their souls in the debt and payment role. They were goody, goodies.

Their lives were presented without paradox but I found myself ordinary and there was 55

abundant paradox.

I began to realize the saints were presented the way the church wanted us to see them. Now, I could see their energy had generated around their experience of Union with God, but they were told to say the experience was of little consequence. That would be like telling Archimedes his insight was not important but only what lead up to it.

The church’s negation of deep mystical experiences was thought necessary to keep control, to prevent jealousy, lack of humility, and/or time spent in the pursuit of Union with God, that most authorities had no experience with.

Pursuit of the Union with God had extreme connotations in those days of being brought about by false humility and self-flagellation. The church was very manipulative of their people. External acts such as hair shirts, hours in prayer posture, poverty in dress and food, and acts of charity were in vogue. These demands were not natural for everyone. This is when the "shoulds" took precedence over the pure seekers and the naturally humble. Some extremes were religious going out to beg for the sake of humiliating themselves. Pure humility is natural for a mystic who finds it not humble to waste energy over false humility.

For a time I feared repetition of the mystical experience. I feared its unexpected happening, being out of control, being misunderstood, and feared the spiritual quickening while in prayer or sharing with mystical friends. I feared that I wouldn't experience union with God again and I feared that I would. When fear mounted I realized I was not doing all necessary that was necessary to understand and to integrate the experience.

There was only good in the experience so I needed to integrate it in such a way that the goodness would flow through all aspects of my life. This is when I wrote to a former college friend Wilson Van Dusen who was then Chief Psychologist at Mendocino State Hospital. I trusted him and he was interested in spiritual life. He wrote the book, The Natural Depth of Man. I wrote him a one-sentence statement of my experience (I didn't know the word mystical, at the time). I expressed my elation and fears surrounding the experience. He responded by return mail; thanks to God for his sensitivity. His letter was my first confirmation that this type of experience happens to other people. Others had experienced similarly!

He encouraged me to penetrate the meaning of the experience. He cautioned me to be humble and attribute the good of it to grace. Well, my humility and my appreciation of grace were natural attributes of the experience. Then he suggested I read the experiences of Saint Teresa.

He said he and I have the same interests, the bridge between the psyche and the spiritual. This exchange was in 1968. I felt accepted and believed. I had clues to learn more about spiritual life. The integration of my experience took a positive turn, it became exciting and meaningful again, and the fears began to abate.

Through the association of Saint Teresa I became familiar with the word mysticism. The first book I read was W.T. Stace's, Mysticism and Philosophy. This book affirmed what I had experienced. Stace believed transforming union to be of religions' basis. I had already begun to think that. Reading the content of others experience that Stace presented was awesome because their and my own experience were all so new to me. I never dreamed ordinary people had such experiences.

I read through tears when other's experiences touched recall of my illumination. I was spontaneously guided to read Stace first; there it was on shelf at the San Jose Library 56

with few other books on mysticism. I knew it was the one I needed to read. I couldn't find books written by saints at that time.

After Stace, I bought Marcelli Auclair's, Teresa of Avila at Ave Maria, at a Catholic bookstore. I was both surprised and relieved that Teresa's description of pain, Light, Word and many other aspects of her experience were similar to mine.

About the same time, I read an article in Psychology Today stating survey findings on interest in the practice of religion. The survey showed Eastern religions had high positive response. Yoga and Zen also had high interest. I wondered why Western Mysticism was not mentioned.

Articles by scientists investigating altered states of consciousness proliferated about this time also. They said the power had gone out of Western Mysticism because too much energy was focused outside oneself in ritual and study. The core of religion, mysticism, had been forgotten. Some of my family said their friends were interested in Eastern religion.

I made a promise to myself at this point in time, 1974 that I would try to revive Western mysticism.

Over the years I read Teresa of Avila's complete works and many other mystics.

All through their writing, even mystics of other beliefs, I found similarities to my experience of God and of the aftermath.

Then, I had the insight that saints exemplary lives flowed from their personal encounter with God, not from "shoulds" or ought...This was similar to Moses' great energy.... And to how many more mystics down through the ages?

I needed to build the history of Western mysticism. Over a period of time I sketched a chronological chart showing various people who had mystical experiences.

People had powerful experiences of God before Biblical times. Down through history many mystics wrote spiritual books and/or started religious groups. On the chart I included prominent philosophers and teachers that played a part in religion whether they were for or against the sacred consciousness. I wanted to have a picture of religion from the point of view. But, I wanted to know what their milieu was. I sketched religion's authority structure advancement by showing when organized religion began and when supremacy of the clergy began to wield authority. Scholastic faith's advancement completed the grip of human power over religious life.

In the early centuries the West's traditional strands of religion were Jewish, Neoplatonic, Christian and Islam/Sufi. At the core of all these traditions was the experience of Union with God. I showed mystics having this central experience in bold letters on the chart. It became obvious mystics influenced religion at deeper levels than organized religion's scholastic faith.

I began to realize the Union with God experience is one of innate consciousness' abilities. What had happened to this wondrous, powerful ability? Why did no one know of this ability in my association with priests and religious teachers? Why was I told, "We don't talk about that (Union with God)?"

A student friend of the family saw my chart and wanted me to give a talk on mysticism at San Jose State University. I did my best, which was only to read some pertinent passages from mystics and point to mystics on my chronological chart. I was well received and requests were made for further talks and for my chart, Western Mysticism: Summit of the Way. Dr. Marie Fox, in whose class I had given mysticism talks, wanted some of my 57

charts for herself and her other courses. Eventually, I developed the chart and had it copyrighted. I reproduced blueprints from a velum I made using my drafting skills. I couldn't afford to have a color poster made so I hand painted each one I sold. I finished close to 400 charts, which were sold at San Jose State University, and at Ave Maria Book Store.

Before one of the talks I gave at San Jose State, some students sitting near me wondered what the mystic would be like. This was humorous to me because my obvious ordinariness did not signify mystic to them. I guess they thought I would have flowing robes, long hair...or a glow. Perhaps they did not realize Gautama chose to fade into the market place.

About the time I started developing the chart on western mysticism, I met Timothy Fallon, S.J. A philosopher at Santa Clara University. He suggested further reading and helped me shape chart dates. He also introducing me to Bernard Lonergan's Insight to Understanding, which I still hold with interest after numerous of years study.

Eventually I grasped Lonergan's nuance, the subject (myself) experiences (conscious operations of) myself. The closest I had come to grasping that type of concept previously was in Teilhard's, knowing that we know or in Plato's, know thyself, know God. Eventually I realized my mystical experience was a conscious operation and that it had a pattern. When the experience is large, as in Transforming Union with God the pattern is imperative therefore it is pronounced and easy to follow.

Now, I had to be tuned and true to my pattern of operations for natural integration of the experience. I needed to intentionally search through my operations before during and after the transfiguration experience.

I needed to describe every facet of the process to be true to the whole experience. I needed to list all the questions, which arose, and the answers I found. I needed to probe further for answers to the questions I did not understand. Then I could begin to compare my experience to others experience. Then I could judge the value of it for modern day people.

I saw down through the ages, mystics found their experience to be life changing and energizing. The experience not only affected themselves but others in positive ways.

My decision to communicate the experience was foretold because I already felt the responsibility to do that. I began to see; other mystics' shared experiences were helpful to people in the past. This realization eased my mind.

My way of sharing the experience had to be by writing. Writing was the medium where I could describe, compare, and elucidate the experience so others could ponder it.

In writing I could show my ordinary life up to transfiguration and show the aftermath of its integration.

I have spent the past 25 years pondering, studying, and integrating one mystical experience of short duration. I've often thought it would be marvelous for a natural mystic, overwhelmed by an experience of God, to find spiritual directors who had illuminated experience themselves. Someone, who could welcome the experience, validates it, and help with integration. Organized religion should meet this need. Further they should help mysticism advance. At the present mysticism is forced underground. It is the secreted, unused power of the West.

At the time I was integrating the experience I didn't know I was doing that. I had imperative questions and pondered what my mind wouldn't leave alone. I was told over and over, "We don't talk about that." If I did broach the subject with someone they either had no response or held back the response.

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Thus, I integrated the experience on my own by prayer, asking questions within myself, reviewing my experience, rereading Biblical passages, and pondering mystics' writings. The experience and integration turned my spiritual life around. I know God's image, which is our Being the Image and likeness of God. I have no doubt that we are all created in the image and likeness of God. I had/have faith in the no-thing or Godhead from which all images and all creation issues forth. This one supreme experience stands out of my eventful life, crystal clear in my memory. I continue to utter praise and thanksgiving for God's revelation of myself in relation to God and to the Godhead. This understanding is beyond theology or the Bible; it has to be experienced to be in perspective.

Why me? This question became prominent when I began to read the mystics and found many of them to be guilt ridden about original sin and their natural appetites. Some even lead austere and aberrant (lashing themselves and wearing hair shirts) life styles.

Some religious orders abased themselves by begging in public when not in need. They were the falsely humble as well as those humble in the pure sense. The negative made up a great deal of their life style.

I always thought I would have a family like my parents, brothers, and sister did. I married for that purpose and settled into a lower middle class life. My husband and I raised five children. They were the delight of my life. After twenty years of oppressive marriage I knew I would leave Bob when the children were grown. We had gone through years of marriage counseling. Bob was still angry and abusive. It was obvious I couldn't be of help to him. I was tired of living in fear so I did leave him after thirty-two years of marriage. At that time leaving my marriage was thought to be a sign of fault on my part.

One day while pondering mystic life, I had the insight some mystics thought they should try to live the perfection of the transfiguring Light and Word all the time. Further they thought themselves bad if they weren't able to accomplish that state. They thought God came to them only in the instant of the Light and the Word. They didn't realize God was with them all the time and their new conscious state only allowed them to see and hear who they really were.

Entering a new consciousness level has the experience. That level allowed me to see the reality of my own Mystical dimension. I saw and heard myself United with God. In fact in this dimension my Self was the Image of God. My Sacred consciousness level allowed me to have a view of the Eternal reality of my Self being out-poured from nothing in the center of my Self. I was Transfigured into the Image of God. The Word given in the experience named this image God. I felt this outpouring was not a temporary happening. The Light and the Word were the Infinite reality of my Self, experienced by this new consciousness. This Sacred consciousness eclipsed the finite world. The finite existed all while it was eclipsed just as the sun exists when the moon eclipses it. We can study some aspects of the sun only when it is eclipsed.

Similarly, we can experience our spiritual makeup when the finite is eclipsed by new Sacred consciousness. Similarly new information about myself was gained when my finite aspects were eclipsed. My body and ego eclipse allowed experience of the infinite reality out of which I, myself was created (and we all are continually created).

The finite world was left behind, so to speak, while this transforming union was experienced. This did not mean the finite was bad or that one should not treat the finite reality with respect and love.

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I went lovingly through the finite for new consciousness to develop The early mystics' interpretation that the finite could be willed out of existence to experience the infinite was a mistaken view. In fact the opposite was true. I loved the finite to death; so to speak then I broke open to the experience of the Mystical. But, the breakthrough was a new consciousness level. I knew I couldn't experience this other Reality no matter how much I willed it.

I thought, "Some religions' mistaken interpretation that anything of the finite was bad, had enslaved us finite people...Now, we need wholesome thoughts to heal ourselves.

God created us a Holy people making our way in the O.K., finite world.

The universe did not get rid of itself for evolution. Evolution happened in and through the universe. We (part of the universe) became more complex because we too are issued out of the Alpha and are drawn toward the Omega. Thus evolved, we the finite touch Eternity. I was beginning to establish some new truths for myself.

After searching elsewhere, I suddenly knew my Mystical experience was similar to Teilhard's. The student intuitively follows the master. I immediately bought his book, Writing in the Time of War, though it had a very unlikely title for a spiritual work. I immediately knew how to read the book. I turned to a chapter, "The Mystical Milieu" and did find spiritual affirmation.

Here Teilhard told of his mystical experience clothed obscurely in poetic expression. This chapter showed his great passion, love, and purity. He experienced the "ethereal tint" that was the birth of his Omega theme. This theme was the love thread in the universal forces calling primal dust to unite and become something more...To become love developing the complexity of matter‌To love gaining power over eons until it could momentarily sublimate matter into it Self, pure Spirit.

I saw, the power to open to spirit, to know (conscious experience) spirit was the epitome of love for Teilhard. The power of love takes us out of ourselves to the pure spiritual dimension of infinite reality. Classic mystics call this experience transforming Union with God. Teilhard said he spent his whole life talking about this one theme. After I had experienced God I understood what Teilhard meant. I no longer thought him mad.

I now realized Teilhard's delicate treatment of sublimated intimacy was paramount when writing about his relationship with Marguerite Teilhard Chamboan. He said he sent his writing to her first because she was the one that would understand him best. This signifies more than an intellectual understanding. It points to their spiritual bonding or mystical friendship. This bonding was similar to my experience of bonding before I reached my new consciousness level.

He had few other people who understood him including being misunderstood by his Jesuit brothers who banished him to Mongolia and forbade him to write or teach.

Teilhard told Marguerite Dante was the most interesting mystic for him to study.

He said Dante (who admired Beatrice from afar) was so interested in the Real that he sublimated love. Hence, his pure love of Beatrice had the power to scale the spiritual ladder.

Teilhard developed the theme, "...The more spiritual an affection is, the less it absorbs, and the more it provides a stimulus to action." He would spend pages expressing this one theme in a multitude of ways. Once he wrote to Marguerite saying, "...Our friendship is precious." And that he regarded it a musical note, ". That gave tone to our whole life and, May it be transformed into a spiritual force that leads us to Him...�

Marguerite, lived in a convent out of pure commitment to both God and Teilhard.

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Bringing one close to God is the essence of mystical friendship. As I read other mystics I found mystical friendships were noteworthy not only for Teilhard, Dante and Beatrice but, in John of the Cross-and Teresa of Avila, Clair and Saint Francis, Saint Basil and Saint Gregory, Saint Augustine and Monica (his mother), and many other mystics.

Studying this bonding helped me understand my presentment that mystical friendships had a part in my opening to God. I learned we social creatures not only gather for enhancing human pursuits but for spiritual pursuits also. I was given several people to admire spiritually. But, like Teilhard, I had no doubt that one mystical friendship, someone who was a spiritual symbol viewed from afar, along with my wisdom melody, played a large part in actuating my openness to God. So, through Teilhard and other mystics I had affirmation of my pure affections. This was a big step toward integrating the experience my new consciousness brought to me.

One day while meditating, the last supper story became a symbol of connections.

I asked, “Who are you in the silence? I am Teilhard rising up to give you benediction. An image unfolds. Teilhard raises from the soft humus earth. He raises up tall and gray with his right hand poised in blessing. His feet steady in clay while his spirit flows upward to touch and enlighten my prayer, “You have all you need from me. Now, you live out the truth you experienced. Live out of truth and love no matter what the hardship.

“You mean like a seed embedded in a crack of a large granite cliff? Surviving on a bare speck of dust and a trickle of rainwater?” “Yet the seed bursts open with new life that pries and enlarges the granite crack. Its tiny roots search out the soil and its trunk shoots up toward the sun. every inch of growth is crowded and painful until the growth breaks through in freedom to bud its greenery into the austere sun drenched blue, blue sky at dawn. The Trinitarian trunk split the cadenced sign of peace, a breathtaking beauty for the mountain hiker to chance.” “Aye Teilhard, good fellow always connecting.”

The Bible and Other Mystics Pondering and teaching the Bible had been my habit for many years. I had new understanding of biblical passages after mystical experience. I will give some examples.

"Look forward then to my words; yearn for them, and they will instruct you.

Wisdom is bright and does not grow dim." Wisdom 6:11,2.

I've always had a yearning for wisdom as a force of the universe drawing us on.

The instruction I received in mystical experience does not grow dim. The infused knowledge given me grows in awareness rather than growing dim.

"By those who love her (Wisdom) she is really seen, and found by those who look for her." Wisdom 6:13 I looked for the wisdom of pure love and God infused me with Wisdom. I was given direct experience of God. I found the mystery of Sacred consciousness shown in John.

"I shall ask the father and he will give you another advocate (He who inspires the true worship of God) to be with you forever, that spirit of truth...” John 14:15-17.

I thought, the another advocate, the Holy Spirit conveys the spirit of truth...The Awe of infused knowledge is truth and the truth remains with me forever. "...Whom the world can never receive since it neither sees nor knows him, but you know him, because he is with you, he is in you." John 14:17.

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Only after I had experienced the Eternal dimension through Sacred consciousness could I possibly understand this passage's meaning. When I had Sacred consciousness it eclipsed the finite world and I was given to see with Mystical senses that God is in me.

I agreed the world can never see God; finite senses are for the things of the world.

I thought, other persons like me have the capacity for Sacred consciousness that provide senses for the Infinite...We only have to learn how to activate it. It is a further development of us. We activate the capacity through evolution and some persons having experienced it shows the evolutionary development is ready. The way is not through denial of the finite or the Infinite. The way is not through drugs, which scramble evolution's signals. But the way is through love, that love which is the driving force in evolution.

Again John encourages us, "I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one." John 7:22 There was new meaning in John 14:21 also.

"Anyone who receives my commandments and keeps them, will be one who loves me."

Regarding these words in the mystical sense I knew love and purity were required. Pure love, an attitude toward growth, was necessary for conscious evolution. "…And anyone who loves me will be loved by my father, and I shall love him and show myself to him."

Here Jesus was promising to be seen by those who love and are pure.

I thought, Jesus didn't show his glorious body all the time. It seems he more saved this expression of his Godliness to let us know the mystical.

He revealed this transparency.

"There in their presence he was transfigured: his face shone like the sun and his clothes became as white as the light." Matthew 17:2.

This same Glory was seen through my Mystical senses when I saw my body/soul in Radiance. I found other Catholic mystics had experienced similarly as had persons in other religions and cultures. There in their own presence they were transfigured down through the ages.

"For if anyone is ashamed of me and my words, of him the son of man will be ashamed when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the father and the holy angels. I tell you truly, there are some standing here who will not taste the death before they see the kingdom of God." Luke 9:26 "As he prayed, the aspect of his face changed and his clothing became brilliant as lightning. They (Peter, John, and James) saw his glory." Luke 9:29. "...You do not know what spirit you are made of ?" Luke 9:55 I found Jesus again promising seeing and glory and then showed his companions what he meant. I felt all these references to Glory were to prepare us to experience the Glorious dimension of ourselves. After my experience of God I knew God had indeed given us Glory.

I began to relate to the world in a different way. I realized God is Immanent and Transcendent and we humans were given the capacity to experience our SELF, Image of God...And that we utter, "Holy, Holy, Holy" along with the mystics of old. " My dear people, we are already the children of God, but what we are to be in the future has not yet been revealed;...We shall be like him because we shall see him as he really is." 1 John 3:2 After reading this chapter I thought how Teilhard believed we are now in charge 62

of our own evolution. The evolution of the future will be intentional evolution of consciousness. Teilhard knew from his own experience, "we shall see him as he really is."

John was saying those who love will see and know Jesus through another Advocate. "When the Advocate comes, whom I shall send to you from the Father, he will be my witness. And you too will be my witnesses, because you have been with me from the outset." John 15:26,27 I have told you all this so that your faith may not be shaken. They will expel you from the synagogues, and indeed the hour is coming when anyone who kills you will think he is doing a holy duty for God. They will do these things because they have never known either the Father or myself. But I have told you all this, so that when the time for it comes you may remember that I told you. ...but now I am going to the one who has sent me...Still I must tell you the truth: it is for your own good that I am going because unless I go, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go I will send him to you." John 16:1-3,5,7.

John's speaking of the hostile world reminds me of the resentment I experienced when witnessing to my experience promised through the Advocate Jesus sent as the Spirit of truth.

The world will no longer see me means the new or Sacred consciousness will be required for seeing and knowing. Very simple, the finite will not see and know the infinite dimensions of Reality but Sacred consciousness will.

Knowing, in this mystical sense, means having the memory of God viewed through Sacred consciousness. Through my Sacred consciousness Jesus showed himself in radiance as a teaching mechanism. I never forget...This revelation never grows dim.

In John 17; 22,24 he is again trying to clarify that the world will not know God but that some will see the glory and the Trinitarian relationship between Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the Father. My Sacred consciousness experienced the Trinity in a vivid manner. The memory of the experience became more explicit as I integrated it.

After experience through Sacred consciousness I feel I am one in Glory of God. I realize God is immanent to the rest of the world, also. Jesus testified who he was, further he wanted us to know who we are, the Image of God, the Trinity.

"May they all be one. Father, may they be one in us, as you are in me and I in you,...I have given them the Glory you gave to me,� John 17:21, 22.

This prayer of Jesus to the Father was a prayer said in his enlightenment. Jesus fully realized his Godliness and our Godliness. He was praying that we will know this. It seems he was praying for our comprehension of the fact of our oneness.

We are one in He and the Father, through the Spirit. It takes our understanding to complete the activity. The perfect activity is experiencing the Triune God flowing from the center of our being. This oneness has to be experienced to be believed because our minds are only developed enough to integrate what we experience.

Jesus didn't display His Glorious body all the time. It seems He saved this expression of his Godliness to teach us about the mystical...To reveal the spiritual transparency. We are taught in the same manner today.

"There in their presence he was transfigured: his face shone like the sun and his clothes became as white as the light." Matthew 17:2 My Self experienced this Glory. I saw my own body soul in Radiance. I found not only the Catholic mystics experience Radiance but, mystics of other faiths as well. There 63

in my (their) own presence I was (they were) transfigured. The symbol of the transfiguration is in the language of the recipient. This is the heart of mystical experience.

Jesus is with us all the time just like he was God when he walked on earth (and his Glory was not seen).

"Lord is the spirit, and where the spirit of the lord is, there is freedom. And we, with our unveiled faces reflecting like mirrors the brightness of the Lord, all grow brighter and brighter as we are turned into the image that we reflect; this is the work of the Lord who is spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18 This passage signifies my Sacred consciousness experience in the Eternal world where Radiance is the norm.

"For us, our homeland is in heaven, and from heaven comes the Savior we are waiting for, the Lord Jesus Christ, and he will transfigure these wretched bodies of ours into copies of his glorious body. He will do that by the same power with which he can subdue the whole universe." Philippians 3:20-21 This key passage expressed the answer to my wisdom melody. The power is ‘the power of love.' My wisdom melody expressed the power I wanted to know/experience.

Only, I didn't know what the answer would be or if there would be an answer. I was holding myself open to mystery. I knew our homeland is in heaven. Heaven is the infinite dimension of reality I experienced through Sacred consciousness.

"Since you have been brought back to true life with Christ, you must look for the things that are in heaven, where Christ is, sitting at God's right hand. Let your thoughts be on heavenly things, not on the things that are on the earth, because you have died, and now the life you have is hidden with Christ in God. But when Christ is revealed---and he is your life---you too will be revealed in all your Glory with him." Colossians 3:1-4.

This passage is true to the Sacred consciousness experience I had. My thoughts were on heavenly things. Now my thoughts turn to the experience of Glory I had.

"Happy are the pure in heart: they shall see God. Happy are the peacemakers: they shall be called sons of God. Happy are those who are persecuted in the cause of right: theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:8-10 I have seen God so I can verify the truth of this Biblical passage and the passage verifies my experience. I was pure of heart at the moment of that experience. I am not saying I am always pure there remain lots of paradoxes in my life. "...and he led them up a high mountain where they could be alone. There in their presence He was transfigured: His face shone like the sun and His clothes became as white as light. ...A bright cloud covered them with shadow, and from the cloud there came a voice which said, 'this is my Son, the beloved; he enjoys my favor. Listen to him'.

When they heard this, they fell on their faces, overcome with fear." Matthew 17:1,2,6-7 The high mountain is a symbol for Sacred consciousness. When my greater Self was Sacred consciousness I was alone because no one entered the Infinite Reality with me. Therefore, Transfiguration and the Word were only experienced by my Infinite, Mystical level of consciousness. There could be many people in the immediate finite setting without their being aware what was transpiring in my momentary Infinite Reality.

'I have been telling you all this in metaphors, the hour is coming when I shall no longer speak to you in metaphors but tell you about the father in plain words.' Jn 16:25 [footnote] "The resurrection and coming of the spirit inaugurate the period of more perfect instruction which is to end in the vision of God as he is." [This quotation is from the Jerusalem Bible commentary on the above passage.]

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I began to think, "Many biblical teachings are like a prologue to our evolution. If we use the biblical and other mystic's experience as encouragement, we can predict our development and consciously evolve toward the end suggested. The Bible and other spiritual books trigger events. They open passages as though they have invisible forces."

Down through the centuries world mystics have witnessed to various transfiguring experiences. The East saw Self; the West saw God. Both have truth. I find comfort in the witness' use of their experiences because it points toward God's relationship with persons being constant rather than being confined to the Biblical time in history. We persons are the ones that are changing, evolving, not God. We are still evolving.

Evolution is obvious as regards our intellectual realm and we can evolve spiritually. Teilhard believed we are at the point of conscious or intentional evolution.

Conscious or intentional spiritual development depends on purity and love. Transversely our spiritual development/evolution increases our capacity to love. There is a spiral effect toward the Omega."

Now, I formulate a whole new way of thinking about the world and Infinity. I have to be true to myself and to evolution; I have to expose my findings.

Mystic's Direct Experience of God Evelyn Underhill, William James and Maurice Bucke all tried to clarify mysticism just after the turn to the twentieth century. William James, a psychologist, did not have personal experience in mysticism. But, he made a valiant attempt at assessment in Varieties of Religious Experience. Evelyn Underhill's perception of the mystical is astute but she shares no personal experience in her book, Mysticism.

Maurice Bucke, on the other hand, had pronounced experience of the other Reality. When he was 35 years old...

"He and two friends had spent the evening reading Wordsworth, Shelley, Keats, Browning, and especially Whitman. They parted at midnight, and he had a long drive in a hansom. His mind, deeply under the influence of the ideas, images and emotions called up by the reading and talk of the evening, was calm and peaceful. He was in a state of quiet, almost passive, enjoyment.

All at once without warning of any kind, he found himself wrapped around, as it were, by a flame-colored cloud. For an instant he thought of fire--some sudden conflagration in the great city. The next (instant) he knew that the light was within himself.

Directly after there came upon him a sense of exultation, of immense joyousness, accompanied or immediately followed by an intellectual illumination flash of the Brahmic Splendor which ever kind lightened his life. Upon his heart fell one drop of the Brahmic Bliss, leaving henceforward for always an aftertaste of Heaven."

Introductory remarks by George Moreby Acklom, Cosmic Consciousness, by Richard Maurice Bucke, M.D., E.P. Dutton and Company, Inc., New York, 1969...Original copyright 1923.

Bucke included similar experiences from various time frames and from both the East and the West in Cosmic Consciousness. He and Underhill gave profuse examples of mysticism in various mystics’ own words. They both believed a new consciousness was responsible for persons' experience of the Divine Reality. Buck saw this cosmic 65

consciousness "as a mental evolution of mankind, which as it became increasingly common...would lift the whole human life to a higher plane." I find Bucke's evolutionary, moral, and spiritual intoxication very meaningful adding to the many mystics.

Bucke shows his "...sort of spiritual intoxication..." with Walt Whitman and his poetry by dedicating his first book, Man's Moral Nature to him. He saw the relation between man's mind and his moral nature as promoting evolution. I feel the context of his relationship with Whitman speaks to the Musical friendships I had previous to my own mystical experience of a similar nature.

Bucke's thought substantiates my pure enabling love as the basis of our contact with Reality. This principle is acknowledged throughout religion. We tend toward unity with greater Reality. Love disciplines our actions toward what we can become. Our desire to know this greater Reality and our disciplined growth toward it gives meaning to our lives.

Energy and joy in this seeking signify we have an innate tendency toward fulfillment. We sense the basic power of the universe. We are in touch with Teilhard's 'primal matter tending to unite.'(F1)This is the power filled force, which developed and is still developing complexity in matter, life, and spirit. This is, 'THE POWER OF LOVE' enabling evolution.

Currently, finite consciousness has developed itself to a refined complexity. It is empirical; sensing, perceiving, feeling, feeling unity/love of God, imaging, speaking, moving, remembering, watching dream like symbols form, and observing our own conscious operations. These consciousness' operations are broad giving us a vast range of experiences.

In general, finite consciousness has a natural transcendental method to develop our stance regarding our experience. The method moves us beyond our sense experience to inquiry to understand, reflection to judge, responsible concern for others, and ourselves and moves out to humanity.

A new consciousness has been emerging for the past 3,000 years at least. There is some evidence of it in Egypt as far back as 14 centuries BC. This consciousness is concerned with the Infinite dimension of Reality; it overrides finite reality, eclipsing it. It focuses on the Infinite. It is also empirical: sensing, seeing No-thing, the Light, and the Word. Hearing the Word. Perceiving the Trinity and the Divine Reality of God united with our SELF. It sees us the Image of God’s disclosure.

Yet, the way to, evolution to Sacred consciousness is young, demanding nurture in many respects. The way will pass through many phases of development before it is mature. Maturity will enable predictable usage.

Sacred consciousness is powerful. It eclipses the finite consciousness to enhance its own operations. Mystic’s perceive the Infinite dimension of Reality and our Self in relation to Infinite creation.

After Union with God, Sacred consciousness is inactive again. Once more the regular consciousness operations predominate. However, after the central experience of God’s disclosure our regular consciousness is overwhelmed with the experience's data to process. There is an imperative review, thanksgiving, and questioning of information gained. The person, now a mystic, may spend the rest of their life integrating this one experience.

The way to the mystical process may be sketched as follows:

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Spiritual level finite consciousness.

1. Hunger for the greater Reality.

2. Hunger becomes love's desire and discipline for worship, rituals, and symbols of God. 3. Development of continual prayer and inner silence.

4. Pure love bonding with persons.

5. Open to reverent mystery.

6. Pure love's moment, a leap to God. New consciousness level accesses infinite reality.

1. Perception of new Sacred consciousness forming.

2. Eclipse of the finite reality. The finite is now the cloud of unknowing.

3. New Sacred consciousness experiences seeing and hearing Infinite Reality.

4. New Sacred consciousness experiences the Light and the Word, the Self as Image of God, Womb of Creation, the Trinity, Jesus, Awe, God. Infused Level after return to finite consciousness.

1. Finite consciousness experiences surroundings, body, and ego self again.

2. Finite consciousness is infused with memory of Infinite Reality, love energy, meaning, prayer, humility, and gratefulness.

3. Imperative questions demand intellectual understanding, rational judgment, responsible concern, and deliberate course of action.

Finite consciousness operates as usual along with mystic's transcendental precepts.

1. Life's meaning incorporates knowledge of humanity's Holiness.

2. Spiritual life's purpose is to encourage mystical expectation, conscious experience of God in the seeker.

To further clarify the finite and the Sacred consciousness I will give mystics' expressions of their Sacred consciousness operations and what was revealed. These operations start with the finite. In the finite we sense another dimension, Reality, drawing us to more. We long to unite with this drawing power.

Love, the meaning behind our possible contact, disciplines our actions toward what we can become. We tend toward unity in greater Reality. Our desire for this greater Reality and our discipline toward it fulfills a sense of pure love giving joy. Joy signs the right direction; indeed, joy signifies the direction of evolutionary forces pushing from Alpha and pulling toward Omega. We are in touch with Teilhard's “primal matter tending to unite.” This is the power filled force that has developed complexity in matter, life, and spirit. This is, “'THE POWER OF LOVE.” Mystic's expressions are much clearer and understandable when I put them in the context of or compare them to my own experience above.

Mystics have said the following regarding, finite consciousness' tending toward the infinite: "...instinct for the Absolute,...is latent in man." EU p.13 67

"…they find in this Absolute, in defiance of the metaphysicians, a personal object of love." EU p.40 "...man's innate but strictly irrational instinct for that Real 'above all reason, beyond all thought' towards which at his best moments his spirit tends." EU p.15 "…that very hunger for reality…an implicit proof that such reality exists...some final satisfaction..." EU p. 23 "Strictly utilitarian, almost logical in the savage, religion becomes more and more transcendental with the upward progress of the race. It begins as black magic; it ends as Pure Love."

EU p.18 "Mysticism, then, offers us the history, as old as civilization, of a race of adventurers who have carried to its term the process of deliberate and active return to the Divine fount of things. They have surrendered themselves to the life-movement of the universe, hence have transcended the 'sense-world' in order to live on high levels the spiritual life...'hunger for the absolute'..." EU p.35 "'By love He may be gotten and holden, but by thought of understanding, never.'

'That exalted feeling, that secret blind love pressing,...unseals the eyes to things unseen before." EU p.48 Tim and John Mc--From The Cloud of Unknowing, Ch VI Vii "It appears generally...the act of contemplation is for the mystic a psychic gateway; a method of going from one level of consciousness to another.... he shifts his 'field of perception' and obtains his characteristic outlook on the universe." EU p.49 "The testimony of the mystics, however, and of all persons possessing an 'instinct for the Absolute,' points to the existence of further faculty---indeed a deeper self... This hidden self is the primary agent of mysticism, and lives a 'substantial' life in touch with the real or transcendental world." EU p.67 "Mystic Love is a total dedication of the will: the deep-seated desire and tendency of the soul towards its Source...the ultimate expression of the self's most vital tendencies, not as the superficial affection or emotion often dignified by this name. It is a condition of humble access,...love may never fail of the prick, the which is God." (Author unknown) EU p.85 "Mysticism...a form of organic life...involves the organizing of the whole self, conscious and unconscious, under the spur of such a hunger: a remaking of the whole character on high levels in the interests of the transcendental life. ...they initiate this costly movement of the whole self towards the Real." EU p.90 "The love wherewith we love is the Holy Spirit." Eckhart-EU p.117 "'Our country from which we came is there, our Father is there....You must not get ready a carriage, either, or a boat. Let all things go, and do not look. Shut your eyes and change to and evoke another way of seeing which everyone has but few use.' (Enneads, 1.6.8)” EULIFE p.48 "Consciousness has suddenly changed its rhythm and a new aspect of the universe rushes in. The teasing mists are swept away, and reveal, if only for an instant, the sharp outline of the Everlasting Hills. 'He who knows this will know what I say, and will be convinced that the soul has then another life.' Plotinus Enneads, VI 9” EU p.178 "...of a sudden his soul was rapt in his body, or out of his body. Then did he see and hear that which no tongue can express.

That which the Servitor saw had no form neither any manner of being; yet he had of it a joy...” EU p.187 "Divine love," says Dionysius, "draws those whom it seizes beyond themselves: 68

and this so greatly that they belong no longer to themselves but wholly to the Object loved." EU p.197 "Here we are all asleep, and fast asleep, to the things of the world, and to ourselves (in fact, for the short time that the condition lasts, the soul is without consciousness and has no power to think, even though it may desire to do so). There is no need now for it to devise any method of suspending the thought...It has completely died to the world so that it may live more fully in God. This is the delectable death, a snatching of the soul from all the activities which it can perform while it is in the body; a death full of delight, for, in order to come closer to God, the soul appears to withdraw so far from the body that I do not know if it has still life enough to be able to breathe." TA Vol. II, p.248 "For as long as such a soul is in this state, it can neither see nor hear nor understand: the period is always short and seems to the soul even shorter than it really is.

God implants Himself in the interior of that soul in such a way that, when it returns to itself, it cannot possibly doubt that God has been in it and it has been in God; so firmly does this truth remain within it that, although for years God may never grant it that favor again, it can neither forget it nor doubt that it has received it. ...but it sees it clearly afterwards, and not because it is a vision, but because of a certainty which remains in the soul, which can be put there only by God." TA Vol. II p.

251 "So, in almost identical terms (of St. Francis, mine) the dying Hindu ascetic: -'Oh Mother Earth, Father Sky, Brother Wind, Friend Light, Sweetheart Water.

Here take my last salutation with folded hands!

For to day I am melting away into the Supreme Because my heart became pure, And all delusion vanished, Through the power of your good company.'" EU p.208 "It is in accordance with all that we know of the conditions of development that a partial achievement should come first; bewildering moments of lucidity, splendid glimpses, whose brevity is due to the weakness of the newly opened and unpracticed 'eye which looks upon Time.' Each by turn takes the field and ousts the other; for 'these two eyes of the soul of man cannot both perform their work at once.'" Theologica Germanica, cap. VII EU p.230 "When, under the spur of mystic love, the whole personality of man comes into contact with that Reality, it enters a plane of experience to which none of the categories of the intellect apply. Reason finds itself, in a most actual sense, 'in the dark'--immersed in the Cloud of Unknowing. This dimness and lostness of mind, then, is a necessary part of the mystic's ascent to the Absolute." Bergson EU p.348 "...I have put all my hope in a secret Good, most hid and secret, which I apprehended in great darkness. If I see in the dark, it is because it surpasses all good." St. Angele EU p.351 Obscure Night Upon an obscure night Fevered with Love's anxiety (O hapless, happy plight) I went, none seeing me, 69

Forth from my house, where all thing quiet be.

By night, secure from sight And by a secret stair, disguisedly, (O hapless, happy plight!)

By night, and privily Forth from my house, where all things quiet be.

Blest night of wandering In secret, when by none might I be spied, Nor I see anything; Without a light to guide Save that which in my heart burnt in my side.

That light did lead me on, More surely than the shining of moon tide Where well I knew that One Did for my coming bide; Where He abode might none but He abide.

O night that dist lead thus, O night more lovely than the dawn of light; O night that broughtest us, Lover to Lover's sight, Lover to loved, in marriage of delight!

Upon my flowery breast Wholly for Him and save Himself for none, There did I give sweet rest To my beloved one; The fanning of the cedars breathed thereon.'

St. John of the Cross." EU p.352

To those who dwell in realms of day.' "'God appears, and God is Light To those poor souls who dwell in night: But doth a human form display Blake “ EU p.355 "...this fact--this law---is borne in on us: that the general movement of human consciousness, when it obeys its innate tendency to transcendence, is always the same.

There is only one road from appearance to Reality. 'Men pass on, but the States are permanent forever.'"

EU p.446 "'In the vision of God,' says Plotinus, 'What sees is not our reason, but something prior and superior to our reason... He who thus sees does not properly see, does not distinguish or imagine two things. He changes, he ceases to be himself, preserves nothing of himself. Absorbed in God, he makes but one with him, like a centre of a circle coinciding with another centre.'" WJ p.411 "'Here,' writes Suso, 'the spirit dies, and yet is all alive in the marvels of the 70

Godhead...and is lost in the stillness of the glorious dazzling obscurity and of the naked simple unity. It is in this modeless where that the highest bliss is to be found.'" WJ p.411 "He who would hear the voice of Nada, 'the Soundless Sound,' and comprehend it, he has to learn the nature of Dharana.... When to himself his form appears unreal, as do no waking all the forms he sees in dreams; when he has ceased to hear the many, he may discern the ONE--the inner sound which kills [only eclipses] the outer.... and now thy Self is lost in SELF, thyself into THYSELF merged in that SELF from which thou first didst radiate...Behold! Thou hast become the Light, thou hast become the Sound, thou art thy Master and thy God. Thou art THYSELF the object of thy search: the voice unbroken, that resounds throughout eternities, exempt from change, from sin exempt, the seven sounds in one, the VOICE OF THE SILENCE.” (By H.P. Blavatsky: The Voice of the Silence) WJ p.412 "He will not allow her (the soul) to be disturbed either by the faculties or by the senses; so He at once commands that all the doors of these Mansions shall be shut, and only the door of the Mansion in which He dwells remains open so that we may enter.

Blessed be such great mercy!" TA Vol. II p.290 Remember eclipse.

"But man has within him an eye which can look into eternity." (7,17,18-20 Theologica Germica.

However in the principle teachings of the Sufi, Encyclopedia of philosophy, Sufi.

P40-2, There is a basic misunderstanding 1-5 of Sufism doctrine which says, “ Fana (nirvana) an annihilation, the passing away, of individual consciousness in a state of Union with God.” Abu Yazid said, “How great is my Majesty?” Al Hallaj said, “I am the truth.”

All of the above quotations are examples of mystic's like myself trying to express a reality of experience. The consciousness level changes in the beginning of the experience. The new level establishes itself. Information is gained from this mature experience. This new Sacred consciousness level has infinite senses. These senses reveal our creation out of the Womb of Eternity. Our Self-creation is the Light and the Word.

The Light shows our Self, Trinitarian light, and the Word explains the Light, God. This is REVELATION.

Revelations in the Infinite Reality These quotations show expressions of what mystics found revealed to them in the Infinite Reality. "...and appropriation of the fullness of the Divine Life; a conscious participation, and active union with the infinite and eternal... Mysticism becomes the crown of man's ascent towards Reality; the orderly completion of the universal plan." EU p.34 "Well might Hilton say that 'Perfect love maketh God and the soul to be as if they both together were but one thing.'" EU p.87 "St. Thomas Aquinas virtually accepts the doctrine of emanations when he writes: 'As all the perfection’s of Creatures descend in order from God,...in that roof and crown of all things, God we find the most perfect unity, and everything is stronger and more excellent the more thoroughly it is one;..'

Suso, whose mystical system, like that of the Dominicans, is entirely consistent with Thomist philosophy, is really glossing Aquinas when he writes: 'The supreme and 71

superessential Spirit has ennobled Man by illuminating him with a ray from the Eternal Godhead...Hence from out the great ring which represents the Eternal Godhead there flow forth...little rings, which may be taken to signify the high nobility of natural creatures.'" EUp.98 Those,"'...by the theory of Emanation, claim with Ruysbroeck that a simple introspection in fruitive love' they 'meet God without intermediary.' They hear the Father of Lights 'saying eternally, without intermediary or interruption, in the most secret part of the spirit, the one, unique, and abysmal Word.'

“The discovery of a 'divine' essence or substance, dwelling, as Ruyesbroeck says, at the Immanent center of man's soul is that fundamental experience--which provides the basis of the New Testament doctrine of the indwelling spirit. It is, variously interpreted, the 'spark of the soul' of Eckhart, the ‘ground’; of Tauler, the Inward Light of the Quakers, the 'Divine Principle' of some modern transcendentalists; the fount and source of all new life." EU p.99-100 "Even Dionysius, the godfather of the emanation doctrine, combines with his scheme of descending hierarchies the dogma of an indwelling God: and no writer is more constantly quoted by Meister Eckhart, who is considered to have preached immanence...'“ EU p.105 More--see p. 121-124.

The immanence, indwelling of God is experienced by sacred consciousness. The transcendence of God is the given or creative, 'the power of love' out of which creation emerges. The indwelling and the transcendence of god as well as emanation of creation are all the experience of sacred consciousness.

Yes, the mystical experience is even secret to the experienced because a person standing alongside will not have the experience. Someone in immediate presence would be stunned if the experienced turned to him or her and said they just had direct experience of God. Afterward, while memory of the experienced is flooded with God, the actual experience of God is once more unavailable to them.

So, mystical experience's 'secret' is its unavailability except under certain conditions of consciousness. This 'secret' is the mystery veiled by the famous 'Cloud of Unknowing'. Only a moment of pure love will allow mystery to break through the cloud of our religious preconceptions. In reality creation is unfolding within our greater SELF where we are evolving through the power of God's love. God's 'the power of love' evolves us to experience God the “no-thing” creator through Sacred consciousness.

John Haught says, "...we are unceasingly encompassed by divine love. In the properly mystical moments [pure Love's moment] of religion, however, one becomes conscious of this union...” John Haught explores religion in his two books, What is God? And What is Religion? Reference footnote: What is God? and What is Religion?, by John F. Haught, Paulist Press, Mahwah, New Jersey, 1990. "...in this Mansion everything is different...God now desires to remove the scales from the eyes of the soul...by means of an intellectual vision, in which, by a representation of the truth in a particular way, the Most Holy Trinity reveals Itself, in three Persons. First of all the spirit becomes enkindled and is illumined, as it were, by a cloud of the greatest brightness. It sees these three Persons, individually, and yet, by a wonderful kind of knowledge which is given to it, the soul realizes that most certainly and truly all these three Persons are one Substance and one power and one Knowledge and one God alone; so that what we hold by faith the soul may be said to grasp by sight, 72

although nothing is seen by the eyes, either of the body or of the soul, for it is no imaginary vision. Here all three Persons communicate Themselves to the soul and speak to the soul and explain to it those words which the gospel attributes to the Lord---namely, that He and the Father and the Holy Spirit will come to dwell with the soul which loves Him and keeps His commandments." p.331 TA "...for this secret union takes place in the deepest centre of the soul, which must be where God Himself dwells, and I do not think there is any need of a door...The Lord appears in the centre of the soul, not through and imaginary, but through an intellectual vision..., just as He appeared to the Apostles, without entering through the door...as far as one can understand, the soul...is made one with God,..." p.334-335 TA, (Footnote Complete Works of St Teresa, ed. E.A. Peers Volume I, Sheed & Ward, LTD, 1972) "Oh, daughters, the profit is so great that it cannot be exaggerated, for, although one cannot describe these favours, they are clearly imprinted in the very depths of the soul and they are never forgotten.”

Moses, again, could not describe all that he saw in the bush, but only as much as God willed him to; (Genesis 28:12) yet, if God had not revealed secret things to his soul in such a way as to make him sure of their truth, so that he should know and believe Him to be God, he would not have taken upon himself so many and such arduous labors...these things which gave him courage to do what de did for the people of Israel."

TA Vol. II p. 288 Insert pages 123 and 124

Aftermath of Joy and Pain “My confessor…I knew they [her superiors] used to tell him that he must be on his guard against me, lest the devil should deceive him into believing anything I might say to him, and they gave him similar examples of what had happened with other people. All this worried me. I was afraid that there would be no one left to hear my confession, and that everyone would flee from me; I did nothing but weep.” TA Vol. I P. 185. No wonder she was catatonic!

“Almost from the beginning, I saw that, out of his own experience, he understood me.

And that was all I needed; for I did not understand myself then as I do now, and I could not describe what I was experiencing. Since that time God has granted me the ability to understand and describe the favours which His Majesty sends to me. But I just needed someone who had gone through it all himself, for such a person alone could understand me and interpret my experience. He enlightened me wonderfully about them. I did not see how I could understand the nature of visions which I saw with the eyes of the soul, for, as I have said, I had thought that only visions which can be seen with the bodily eyes are of any importance, and of these I had none.” Similar TA Vol. I p. 195 These biblical and later mystics' quotations plus my own witness substantiate mysticism, the direct experience of God, through history. I've used but a small portion of the witness' Revelations studied in my search. In the future I hope to make a computerized compilation to show conclusively what portions of many recorded experiences were: (1) the focus of finite life before the central experience, (2) the greater Self's Sacred consciousness operations during the experience, (3) the Revealed by God, (4) the memory record, (5) the effect of the experience on the experiencer’s finite 73

spiritual life, (6) the process of integration of the experience, and (7) the way the experience was shared by the experienced.

Chapter IV THE UNSILENCED RELIGIOUS DEVELOPMENT

Progress, Decline, and politics in Religion What happened to powerful God revealing mystical experience? Are we capable of thwarting evolution? Are we stagnated, blocked of passage? Could we be compared to frustrated Olympiads convinced they don't have muscle? Or worse, are we convinced that the ingestion of a foreign substance (steroids for the athlete, mescaline for the mystic) will give us Olympiad primacy.

Historically, in the strange turn of events, religious politics thwarted natural mystics. Stern methods of discernment and repression were used. Secrecy was the main control pattern. Secrecy is often a conspiracy to divide and isolate power. The manipulation of mystics has gone on for centuries. Organized religion has stayed in power but the heart of religion, mysticism has declined or is a hidden quest out of fear of reprisal, silencing, and ostracizing.

Eckhart of the twelfth century took "...worthwhile but dangerous pastoral risk that backfired in the violent atmosphere of anti-heretical fervor." p.83 The manipulation of mystics was necessary if organized religion wanted to stay in power. The same man who inaugurating heretical proceedings against Eckhart had just dealt with the Bretheren of the Free Spirit in 1322. "Eventually, one of the leaders, a Dutchman named Walter, was arrested, tortured and burnt. Some fifty other suspects were also executed by drowning or burning." p.77 When we read that Eckhart’s means of death is not known we can guess it was torturous. Needless to say organized religion's tactics worked and kept power.

Above quotations are from: Eckhart’s Way by Richard Woods, OP, The Liturgical Press, Collegeville, Minnesota, 1986 Back at the beginning of militant church politics, about 400 AD, economics had developed a debt payment system. Church politics saw how effective this principle worked. They took this idea into their strategy. By eliminating Gospels promoting direct experience of God and putting stress on original sin they created a human debt to God. 74

Jesus' direct experience of God and His saying that we could have the same experience was played down. Jesus' suffering, death and resurrection was put forward. It was said Jesus paid for our sins by suffering and we owed Him. Thus the debt was established.

Persons had to suffer (look for ways to suffer, as though life doesn't deal out enough) and give up things (like family and worldly goods) in payment of their debt. The church was to be the middleman and receive the payment (for God). Only the church could square people’s debt to God. Only the church had the truth. All dogmatic 'truth' was substantiated by the church's power, fear of hell, and military alliance. The church’s power was militant.

Once Christian politics was established anyone saying they had direct experience of God was a heretic to be dealt with severely. Hypatia was an example not unusual in ferocity of how strong manipulative power lay with the church.

However, things don't stand still, they either progress or decline. Sparse Revelation has continued underground down through the centuries. Religious power lies with the mystic, the Revealer. Mystics explain our place in the world and open us to further mystery at the same time. This needs to be an on-going process.

Cultural denial of both human Holiness and current Revelation makes this expository painful but all the more necessary. The truth behind 1,700 years of denial is positive. We are a Holy people with whom Revelation continues even though it was forced underground.

Now, it is up to modern people to let go of second century dogma and build a bridge from antiquity to modernity.

No one could foresee even 100 years ago, the theory of evolution, our enhanced understanding of consciousness, or computerized technology's information, breakthroughs, and storage capacities. No one could have foretold the exciting, fast paced culture demanding religion move a fast developmental mode if it is to be viable.

The time of denial and secrecy is past. We need the truth, mystery unfolded to the utmost.

Never fear, mystery is infinite; inroads will not use-up mystery. The opposite is true delving into mystery enhances the always more unknown.

Basic principles of religion are still preeminence of the Spirit and dignity of the individual. Concerned members of communities are willing to share knowledge and learn about one another. Some people have formed support groups to focus on their love of God and/or to protect and enable their right to dignity. Bonding groups enhances individual freedom and creative power. It is laughable to suppose we could go back to the brute force of the second century's political and religious armies. Then people were forced to say they believed what the organized religion wanted.

In the early centuries the world was flat and the immediate landscape was the center of the universe. Trading goods had given way to new thinking in economics (of course this word was not born). The debt payment era began.

The Christian Church organizers' rational thinking grasped that idea for their young church. The debt payment procedure was individuals owed God and must pay the debt. The debt was paid (God not needing it) through guilt, penitential suffering, and money. The guilt made individuals easily manipulated. The money or land paid to the church made it rich. Thus the church established tremendous threatening power. No one seemed to understand the ennobling power of love.

An even further admonishment...rational thinking figured individuals owing a debt to God couldn't be worthy of; seeing God's Glory or receiving revelation any more. I 75

say any more because revelation and seeing God's Glory was previously experienced for at least 10,000 years BC according to records.

The punishment for admitting direct experience of God was being labeled heretic, excommunication, or death. Harsh and death threatening treatment drove the experience of God underground. People do not go where there is no chance of survival. The sadistic inquisition was the mainstream of inhuman power. But denial of subjective experience still continues. The denial causes unhealthy psychological manipulation by the still powerful clergy. Until, today only the few experienced knows there is a true, direct experience of God available to all persons.

The second to fourth century dogmatists understood less about human consciousness than we do today. The church 'fathers' didn't know God was experienced by the individual’s sacred consciousness. They thought God picked out someone and conferred a special graced experience on them for a moment. Rather, God is constant, with us all the time in an immanent and transcendent manner but on the infinite level.

When our Sacred consciousness opens to the infinite level the Glory of God is revealed to us as the ground of our being. The revelation comes in light and word out of the Godhead, the womb of creation.

1600 years ago evolution wasn't in anyone's imagination. Now, we realize we are still evolving in complex special areas of our consciousness. Evolution always required purity and focus. Now, the focus of evolution is consciousness. We can thwart evolution or intend conscious evolution. The push of alpha and the pull of omega always helps intending development. Matter's tendency to unite and evolve to more complex matter can be seen in retrospect. Then matter became life then life became conscious. Some consciousness has penetrated the infinite dimension and received revelation of God. Our new view of consciousness demands full acceptance. It is problematic to restrict consciousness to the limited knowledge of the 4th century. This restriction has been the decline of the pure power of Love. Progress in religion depends on pure love to empower it. Young people could be religious heroes/heroines once more. They could give their all in pure love and experience their God the creator...the Glorious one.

The religious experience of Self 'image of God' ignites meaning in ones life. The meaning matches up with the basic principles, preeminence of the Spirit and the dignity of the individual. Once experienced thus, dignity is irreversible. Nothing outside oneself can change your own self-value.

Religion and politics were inseparable to the undiscriminating minds of the early church fathers. Indeed they were not fully aware of the 'lust for power' behind their claim to apostolic succession. Today such a claim would be obvious political manipulation.

However, centuries have entrenched a dependent mind set. The devalued populace needs to allow (reeducate themselves about) their ground of being to emerge in order to benefit from the potential in their own lives.

The argument is still between apostolic succession and direct experience of God. The apostolic organized religion established power over individuals through the threat of punishment by death. Meanwhile some individuals continued to access their own power through direct experience of God. Political religion's success wields power over people while individual religious' success is accessing spiritual power within themselves.

Western religion will progress when the individual reclaims the clergy’s power over laity. Modern religion is enabling while religious politics is over-powering.

Apostolic succession has proven itself political, even militant, manipulation of people for 76

its own gain (not for God). The same 'lust for power' is blatant in media preacher’s manipulation of people. Peoples' power is short-circuited by anyone's claim that 'only they can save you.' Indeed over the centuries thousands of 'heretics' having their own direct experience of God have been brutally punished and killed by militant based authority. The lust for power is not acceptable in psychologically sound religion.

God's enabled evolution was seen by Teilhard as the primal tendency to unite and form more complexity. Through eons of pure unity, evolution has passed through many developments.

Human rituals echo where we have been and where we are going. The following rituals were developed to meet timely evolutionary needs: • Physical strength and magic rituals Physical strength and prowess rituals provided confidence to meet the need of sustaining physical life in the natural world. Magic was thought to give humans power over nature and its surprises. Eventually, physical life becomes easier when humans adjust to nature. Power over nature is less productive than understanding and sustaining nature. Acquiring things is on this level of development.

• Order and authority rituals Developing the Ten Commandments (in the West) provided organized ritual to meet the need of law and order among people. Sustaining law and order for the people is more productive than using law for personal gain. Providing peaceful interaction is on this level of development.

• Consciousness rituals Schools of learning built on accumulated information to meet the need of finite consciousness experiences and hunger for truth. Social development of consciousness is more productive than holding persons at a certain level of development.

Consciousness rituals of vast variety are participated in to develop this level of consciousness. Conscious experience of operations is also on this level of development.

• Sacred consciousness (rituals, undeveloped) Reverent pressing against the mystery of the Infinite meets the human need for meaning. People have experienced God. Their experience of the Mystical fulfills the ancient maxim 'know thyself, know God.' Social acceptance of people's experience is more productive than denial. Mystical conscious experience of thy Self in the Image of God is on this level. Social support rituals need development.

Volumes have been written about the first three rituals. One thing the first three rituals have in common is group support structures.

Evolution is presently developing a further nuance in consciousness. Anything new is experienced by a few before it comes to the many.

Consciousness operations are widely known as the simple, the human, and the Mystical or Infinite. The simple and the human are operations at the finite level. While, the Mystical operations observe the infinite. The simple, the human, and the Mystical work together as a well-organized team. The simple and the human consciousness are operations in finite reality. The Sacred consciousness operates only in the infinite level of reality. But, the Sacred consciousness deposits information to the individual memory.

All these operations are crucial for further evolution of humanity. The subject can experience all these operations.

Thereby, we dare to enter the year 2,000 with a pure human progress. The progress is pure love engendered Sacred consciousness, the evolution of the future.

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If we apply philosopher Bernard Lonergan's transcendental precepts (reference)***to this problem, religion has been in the downward thrust of decline for almost 1,700 years. If we apply Alcoholic Anonymous', Scott Peck's, and Alice Miller's modern psychology to Christian religion we find the west's religious culture weighted down by the denials of a dysfunctional family. (Reference)*** From the psychological standpoint there is an inherent contradiction in the myth of Judeo-Christians being created flawed with 'original sin'. People are not created with some debt needing payment by suffering. Some other peoples of the earth know they were created whole, why don't we?

Westerners were taught to deny Holiness and spiritual purity. Manipulation by authority was thought necessary in order to save our sinful souls. Only now we can stop being codependent in an era of fading manipulation. The denial of our Holiness allowed manipulation in the past. But, media preachers are still able to extort money for “saving souls�. Some preachers continue to orchestrate their followers in the hysteria of assembly.

We have allowed ourselves to be treated with the gravest disrespect. When we accept our Holiness, manipulation by authority won't be effective. Further when we learn to experience our own Holiness we will have no doubt about it. Our spiritual nature will be respected, revered by the individual and culture. We may feel a spiritual acknowledgement when looking at or greeting each other. What a turn-a-round that would be--from clubbing to reverence.

Biologically, we are a marvelous body with millions of cells developing what the body needs. Psychologically, we are a brilliant mind with the ability to dedicate its pure desire to know and develop insights. Spiritually, we are a Holy Spirit in the Image of God knowing how to love and experience God. We echo the witness to Transfiguring union with God down through the ages.

Our spirit knows how to guide us toward God. If we accept our Holiness and Holy experiences we change our expectations, responses and actions. Then we can confidentially unbind our Spirit from the dysfunction in organized religion's control.

We have a holistic potential for bringing our whole person into fruition. The holistic potency is a constellation, awake all the time making the necessary arrangements to complete our whole person. This potency is the power of love God created in evolution at its silent work. Our mental awareness is only able to get intimations of this work. Our total potency is evolutionary like the universe; it is greater than our view of it.

We have a nucleus of potential gathered around our person. The facets of our potential have different activities in coordination with each other in order to complete us.

When one facet, our mental control, gets in the way we do not develop the way our greater potential knows we should go. Our life needs to be balanced with no aberrant styles or practices.

Long after my central experience I discovered Ira Progoff's work. He has combined the practices of creative people with modern psychology. Out of these processes he developed At a Journal Workshop. This journalizing is a wonderful way to get hold of the intimations of your own creative life direction. It puts you in touch with your spiritual life. It also opens new possibilities throughout your whole secular life.

Reference, At a Journal Workshop, by Ira Progoff, Dialogue House Library, New York, 1975.

When we are mental or when the outer environment has too much pressure on us 78

even our body chemistry is upset. This strain causes our body to malfunction in what it, left to its own devices, knows how to do.

Obscurity about religious experience has continued in the history of Western religion. I've felt like a minority of one because I have not been connecting when I speak to anyone about the epitome of religion, the transfiguring mystical experience. However, after many years of virtual silence, I feel a keen responsibility to clarify what the mystic consciousness is, from personal experience.

Despite the obscurity of the Bible and other mystics I endeavor to carefully describe my experience. I will compare my experience to other's writings clarifying some of the mystery and misunderstanding of mysticism. Clarity is progress. Misunderstanding surrounding Eternal experience will abate when explained clearly.

Clarifying mysticism gives us a larger view of the real world and changes our responses, actions and expectations. Gnostic experience integrated everything for me; it would be helpful for everyone.

The purity and power in love will open up our Divine life. We will know the Kingdom of God. Jesus was only one person killed for stating, "I am God." There were many. Al Hallag (crucified) of the 13th century Islam comes to mind, as does Hypatia of 3rd century Alexandria.

"Saint Cyril,...a man of fanatical zeal...His chief claim to fame is the lynching of Hypatia, a distinguished lady who, in an age of bigotry, adhered to the Neoplatonic philosophy and devoted her talents to mathematics. She was 'torn from her chariot, stripped naked, dragged to the church, and inhumanly butchered by the hands of Peter the Reader and a troop of savage and merciless fanatics: her flesh was scraped from her bones with sharp oyster-shells and her quivering limbs were delivered to the flames. The just progress of inquiry and punishment was stopped by seasonable gifts.' After this, Alexandria was no longer troubled by philosophers." p. 368, History of Western Philosophy, by Bertrand Russell, Clarion Paperback Edition, 1945.

Hypatia's, being mutilated in an actual church speaks of her being deemed a heretic by claiming the Neo-platonic direct experience of God. It’s sure she wasn't killed for teaching mathematics. That incident ended the Neoplatonic School's brilliant history in Alexandria.

The tyrannical attitude against direct experience persists. In 1982, I was fascinated by Elaine Pagel's book, The Gnostic Gospels. Then, I attended a lecture given by her at Santa Clara University in California. Her presentation was both well attended and well delivered.

Her presentation dealt with Gospels showing direct experience of God by individuals...left out of the Bible. This plot necessitated the belief that an intermediary, the early church, was necessary for 'sinners' redemption.

During the lecture's intermission I overheard two Jesuits, one a theology professor, planning to put her down. Their obviously relished and cunning strategy was to belittle her scholarship by select questions put to her in public after her presentation.

Their obvious childish anticipation for the plot made clear the deep-seated bigotry still present in this century.

This wasn't my first exposure to stultifying negativity plotted 'in the name of God'. I felt the sting of it myself when I spoke about mysticism. Yet, I could hardly believe my ears. Abuse of this type is the opposite of pure love enabling evolution. This 79

was another warning to me. It was a hard example of what I had to face in the future when I would witness to my mystical experience.

My heart went out to Dr. Pagels. However, she was a marvel of clarity in answering their questions. Also, she couldn't be challenged further without her hecklers looking foolish. What courage and mastery she exhibited. It turned out a happy chance to restate and elongate her main point, the authority of one's own experience of God. The bigotry directed at her, by colleagues, brought home her other position; the horrendous vehemence and politics in the early churches' history when heavy-handed authority first established control.

This incident gave example of church leaders fear of the Holy. It made clear the need for the early mystic's precepts. (1) spiritual leaders are those having direct experience of God (2) the healing element in direct experience of God is necessary for spiritual leaders (3) only God, not ordination, not doctorates, not masculinity makes pure love enabling teachers who can enable others to experience God. It is strange the organized church took to itself the negative aspects of Gnosticism, Platonism, and the Stoics. For example they embodied hatred of the body, sexuality, especially feminine sexuality and or teaching, and family life. Thus monasticism emerged! Thus the excuse later in the centuries demanding priests be celibate. Little did they know aberrant life styles inhibit evolution and deform psyches?

Until now, I have been silenced and even humiliated but, in less drastic never the less effective manners than mystics of the past. Now, I don't expect freedom or encouragement. Happily, I don't expect to be dismissed as mad or blasphemous either.

Today, people of courage like Dr. Pagels are speaking out, paving the road for a vigorous spiritual future. Therefore, I can expect interest among the educated.

Due to current laws I can write without needing to protect myself by anonymity.

In earlier times the author of The Cloud of Unknowing and Pseudo-Dionysius needed anonymity as protection from a militant Church. The church also required false humilitythe show of humility. Only now can I be open, rather than shroud mysticism in obscure words like John of the Cross' Canticles and Flame of Love. His symbolic poetry sounds like a deprived lover of eroticism because he had to use language to dodge the inquisition and the jealousy of his peers. In the twentieth century Teilhard de Chardin often used obscure language when talking about mystical experience.

Only now can I be a normal person, sexual, a mother, an engineer in job description, and say I'm a Transfigured mystic. Being wholly human is no longer thought to oppose being deeply spiritual and Holy.

Now in the 2000's are we beginning to see ourselves as Holy rather than sin filled.

Only now can we stop being codependent in an era of fading manipulation. The denial of our Holiness and the acceptance of our sinful nature allowed our manipulation in the past.

Even today, some preachers openly orchestrate their followers in assembly. If they want more raised arms and verbal uttering they become more feverish in sermonizing and the congregational din becomes louder. How utterly disrespectful to the pure and the Holy, to the religious nature of humanity!

Only now, can I begin sharing the description of my experience of God. Only now, can I open discussion on my understanding of my central experience and my understanding of its similarity to other Transfigured mystics. I hope to have input on the value of elucidating the experience for the advancement of religion and human consciousness.

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Only now can we unblock the Mystical or Christ consciousness. Sacred consciousness is of universals and its principles and revelations are for humanity. This road was said to end with the last page of the Bible and anyone saying they tread the road of Revelation was in grave danger.

The very fact of my life is inclusive of progress and decline, of the paradox. To this purpose exposing the encouragement and denial of my early family, religion, society, and myself is necessary. The meaningful in my life was created out of myself in an atmosphere that either encouraged or repressed my spiritual; Holy Spirit (Advocate) guided process. I uncover to full view the joy, pain, and plateaus that made up my life's intimate terrain. Only intimacy can show the infra structure of my spiritual experience.

One purpose for this expository is to show an ordinary person, myself, can have profound mystical experience. The main requirement is an attitude and focus toward growth in pure love. Rather than a 'pious' or monastic life, I've had family concerns and a work-a-day world. Yet, I look at my whole life and find that one direct experience of God, of short duration, is clearly the hinge around which intuition, emotion, intellectual pursuits, and sensual activities all converge. This experience is what the meaningful built up to and the take-off point for depth, for truth, and for love.

Just as I had a specific mystical experience which integrated my life, sharing my story may enable people to deepen their own spiritual formation.

My second purpose is to carefully define Eternal or mystical experience. My life changing union with God experience is the center of my discourse. The integration of my mystic horizon and its use will be shown as the aftermath of this main experience.

My third purpose is to create openness, new ways of thinking, discussion about ourselves, conscious evolution, and the core of spiritual life.

One of my original titles for this expose was, The Voice of a Transfigured Mystic: Toward Conscious Evolution. My earlier title was The Voice of a Mystic.

But, one priest said, "You should wait for others to call you a mystic."

Another priest said, "Well, we are all mystics. We feel the presence of God and we are committed to love."

Only false humility would keep me from calling myself a mystic. I've had 'secret' knowledge revealed to me by God. Secret only because ones inner workings of mystical consciousness has access to the direct experience of God. From these conversations I knew there are very different ideas of what a mystic is. My concord is with the mystics' experience of God, without veil. These mystics say they have been Transfigured or that they have seen themselves in the 'Image of God.' My title needed the expression of similar experience. But also, it should express pure love's power to open me to that experience of God and move me into the future. The title PURE LOVE'S MOMENT signifies the culmination of dedicated love's concentrated power.

Direct Experience of God and Evolution indicates love opening me to direct experience of God and moving me into the future. It echoes the way, the experience, and the aftermath.

I realized I have to let all shreds of false humility go and become explicit for clarity's sake. I have to state my experience of Transfiguration up front. Revealing my experience for others to ponder and to open out discussion about religion is the reason for my expository. Exposing the truth of my experience to its limit engenders conscious evolution.

Witness creates openness, discussion, dedication, and hope for the future.

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Teilhard said hope in the future necessitates a passionate longing to advance. Evolution depends on uniting of primal matter; it also, depends on unification of persons in desire to know God. My point in writing is to expose this radically spiritual Reality. This Reality is not only the fact that I experience the presence of God in my life or that I am committed to love. The larger reality is that everyone has the innate ability to experience God’s self disclosure. And, I am not talking about religious conversion even though I have experienced levels of conversion.

Ordinary consciousness' feeling the presence of God and religious conversions are peak experiences but what I am talking about is another. New Sacred consciousness experiences a radically different Reality. Sacred consciousness senses, perceives the Divine. My Sacred consciousness senses my Self being in the Image of God. The Reality is Eternity's Immanent and Transcendent Spirit.

My purpose is to carefully define Eternal experience. Eternal (mystic) experience alluded to by mystics in the past is now spoken about in plain words.

When researching mystics' writing I can recognize facets of my experience.

Therefore, I know when other mystics are talking about certain levels of consciousness. It is obvious Mystical Reality has been experienced. But, their beautiful writing is hidden or couched in profuse self-abasement. At least 50% of Teresa of Avila's writing is berating her sinful self. Self abuse makes boring reading. Sometimes mystics purposely obscure their writing by anonymity. False humility, authority demands on them, or the personal nature of the experience overcame other mystics openness.

Sacred consciousness and its direct experience of God are new on the evolutionary scale and will be accepted if we are brave enough to own and share the experience of it.

However, the thirteenth century was the “golden age of mysticism.� What caused this advancement? Liturgy ritual was enriched...Aquinas' scholastic writing was inspirational because in that period concept formulations were of utmost importance. It was a temporary advancement of our finite consciousness to the mystical...a way of moving into the future. Mystical outcroppings scared authority because they were losing their grip on the faithful. The Inquisition and retrenchment of dogma turned the mystical progress to decline by the Reformation. Again church politics handicapped natural spiritual development.

People are still overwhelmed by mystical experience because here to fore they have had no reliable cornerstone for seeking, support, or integration. I want my expose to be the needed touchstone for other people who dedicate their lives to God. This mystical touchstone will assure seekers that others experienced God in the Infinite Reality and wrote about it in modern language.

Authority claimed written or spoken obscurity about mysticism shielded the Holiness of the Mystical experience. But, the natural shield is the requisite purity of the seeker's desire to know God. Sacred consciousness is evolving. All evolution especially evolution of consciousness is instigated only by the progress of pure love.

God will not be experienced by the following forms of decline.

1. The person's manipulation of themselves, i.e., wearing hair shirts, self flagellation, self debasement, washing in the Ganges, false guilt about sex, body and other finite needs, or meditating in a certain position.

2. Ingesting drugs. Hallucinating effect is quite the opposite of pure nurturing love 82

and conscious evolution. Drugs are to the human faculties what a crude oil spill is to the natural environment. The human mind, the most sensitive creation, is even more prone to damage than other forms of nature. Drug experiments are on the finite level. The experience of God is on the infinite level of Reality.

3. Living a certain life style. Live whatever life style one chooses. Important is the attitude of nourishing love toward self, others, and the lifestyle. We humans experience seven very different climaxes to know ourselves as whole. These climaxes come about in birth, cell structure, body sexuality, ego development, mental processes, spiritual Reality, and physical death. Human attributes' fruition is necessary to wholeness. While the litigation of some human attributes may not keep us from having 'full' life it does prevent us from knowing our whole potential.

We view the human person in new ways because of medical and psychological advancement. The human person is whole, that is body, soul, and Spirit. In order to view us as whole it is imperative to let all foibles and wives tales go. Unmasked we are Holy people! We are Holy people subject to progress and decline in living out our lives.

4. Paying a debt for sinfulness. We must keep in mind that we are not paying a debt to see God face to face. The main required is faith in our Divinity and our guileless desire for God. Not easy. It is a decision requiring learning about our greater Sacred consciousness. Our mind knows how to develop thought and our Holy Spirit knows how to see God. Evolution knows how to advance by uniting. Can we open to this gift?

John Mc, “Seems to me some--all of this chapter should come earlier in the book: some of it at the beginning.

Communication of the Secreted and the Denied God is immanent and transcendent always available when we are open. Everyone is worthy to receive God’s disclosure. With this view the experience of God natural for persons. God does not choose someone--someone opens to God. Sacred consciousness is the way we experience God, with and for all people. We people activate sacred consciousness by pure intent and love to be open to God's Revelation of God with us. The problem is the way to Sacred consciousness, which is unpredictable because it is so new and young in evolution.

Sacred consciousness will be more reliable and predictable when it is more expected and becomes established in ourselves. Its evolution is predicated by a loving, pure attitude.

At the intellectual level, all people have insights whether their intent is pure and loving or not. After all, desiring to be a criminal is how, through insights, we have brilliant criminals.

The mystic's genus requires an attitude of love. Insights about pure love build and develop people in holiness. Then they may experience the breakthrough to Sacred consciousness.

Becoming a whole person is the way. Developing pure love and dedication to God opens our Sacred consciousness. The denial myth started by the false impression that we can force an experience of God by putting our body aside.

Self denial started with Plato by calling for a "withdrawal from the world into some Platonic heaven." Ref. p. 133, What is Religion, by John F. Haught, Paulist Press, 83

New York and New Jersey, 1990. The Biblical prophets didn't cater to denial. However the Church fathers of the early centuries went back to withdrawal from the world being required.

Actually, we need to develop and apply all our talents in the attitude of pure love in order to see God. The breakthrough needed, Sacred consciousness is had by the tension of purity and holiness.

Sacred consciousness eclipses the finite world to expose the Infinite reality. Our ordinary consciousness is not able to set itself aside completely nor is it able to make the leap to the Infinite reality. Setting consciousness aside somewhat is a form of meditation.

Meditation is not and does not bring us to the level of Sacred consciousness. Meditation is done in the finite reality. Sacred consciousness operates in the Infinite Reality. It is a momentary consciousness to experience the Divine Reality.

Body elevation referred to in mystical experience is not a physical elevation. The body appears to be elevated when Sacred consciousness eclipses the finite reality. We do not see anything of finite reality when it is eclipsed. During the experience all we see, with Mystical sight, is the transparency of our body location. Therefore, the transparency appears to our memory of the incident as though it were suspended in space.

Misuse of authority tried to keep people uneducated about mysticism. Mysticism has its own protection. Mystical experience can be had only by intent. Love is the guardian to transfiguring mystical experience not a conjured secrecy by an organized religious power.

Full disclosure about mysticism is required. Precise spiritual and scientific information is necessary to inform people about their own inroads to the Infinite Reality.

People will go in a direction that is not blocked by human manipulation. Deep within ourselves the Holy Spirit, the teacher, knows how we can open to Sacred consciousness.

The Holy Spirit instructs as we learn to listen, pure without guile.

God is Immanent and Transcendent...Always with us but, the only time we experience God's disclosure is when we are at the Sacred consciousness level. Sacred consciousness penetrates the Infinite Reality. We experience God the Trinity, the Light and, the Word. Jesus did not reveal Transfiguration all the time. Transfiguration is Jesus' greatest teaching to show us who we are.

"We don't talk about that (mysticism)" or we don't call ourselves mystics, we modestly wait for someone else to recognize our mysticism. Not so, the scientist calls himself scientist and gives us the full knowledge of the scientific discoveries. Mysticism should be the same, after the experience is in the memory of the person it needs to be processed into current theology.

In the past our false humility, not owning who we are, has stultified our mystical development. Now, as a species we need full exposure of direct experience's intricacies so we can close the gap between denial of who we are and acceptance of our Holiness.

In modern psychiatry, Co-dependency and denial of reality cause dysfunction.

The denial of holiness is as crippling as denial of compulsive behavior. Denial of holiness gives opportunists the leverage they need to manipulate persons.

Sacred consciousness shows that we are 1. The Image of God. 2. The repositories of the power to love. 3. Powerful virulent energy. 4.Energized out of No-thing from the center of our being. 5. Trinitarian light named Jesus, Awe, and God. 6. Living in the Eternal world as well as the finite world.

Myth-You can't see God. It is true that the Light of God can't be seen with our 84

finite eyes and the Word of God can't be heard with our finite ears. However, God can be seen and heard with the senses of Sacred consciousness. This fact has been attested to down through the centuries. This ability is comparatively new given the billions of years our species existed in time.

Ninian Smart asks the critical question about direct experience of God. It is..."the question of whether religious experience has its own autonomy. Is there an experience of the Holy, for example, which is just one of the 'facts of Life', like seeing colors or discriminating music forms?" P.141, The Phenomenon of Religion, by Ninian Smart, Herder and Herder, New York, 1973.

Smart contends there has to be something to experience for people to have a common experience of it. "After all people see trees because trees are there to be seen." p.141. In my own experience God was there to be experienced. However, a leap in consciousness to a consciousness of infinity was the operation required to perceive God's revelation. So, I agree God can not be seen by the finite eyes but only with the new consciousness' ability to perceive the light and the word with which God reveals God. The word "God" identified the light my new consciousness perceived.

Mystics have in common a new consciousness level perceiving the infinite reality.

This consciousness level, which perceives God, is activated autonomously for the short duration of the revelation then it is unavailable once more. The mystics need creation emanations to be experienced and a consciousness, which can experience the emanations.

"But man has within him an eye which can look into eternity." from Theologica Germica, (7, 17, 18-20). The consciousness containing this 'eye' is very young by evolutionary standards and is not readily operational like other of our consciousness operations. People not experiencing this new consciousness do not believe God can be experienced by sight and hearing.

Concerning the "you can't see God' myth, God said to Moses, "I will let all my splendor pass in front of you, and I will pronounce before you the name of Yahweh...You cannot see my face,...for man cannot see me and live.... Here is a place beside me. You must stand on a the rock, and when my Glory passes by, I will put you in the cleft of the rock and shield you with my hand while I pass by. Then I will take my hand away and you shall see the back of me." Ex 33:18-23.

Considering the person writing the Moses story did not have the concept of consciousness operations nor an inkling of a leap in consciousness I think it is apparent they are talking about the same experience I had. It isn't difficult to see the name of God is given as well as the memory of the experience.

Coming from my experience 'putting Moses in the cleft of a rock', is to say he was hidden from the finite. “Shielding you with my hand while I pass by” is saying the finite is shielded or eclipsed by the new consciousness which observes God 'passing by'...or flowing out of the Godhead. When the experience is over...God takes the hand away and the experienced sees the back of God or has the memory of experiencing God's Glory and name in Word, “God .

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Chapter V RELIGION GROUNDED IN DIRECT EXPERIENCE OF GOD Consciousness Evolution If we accept a Creator called God and if we accept evolution then we acknowledge God has enabled evolution. Teilhard de Chardin, a Jesuit paleontologist, said evolution began through primal matters tendency to unite. The principle of evolution is alignment with God's enabling unity (love). Evolution has a developmental pattern of organized complexity. The pattern progressed from matter, to life, and to animals.

Consciousness became an overt development at the animal level allowing movement over the earth's surface. Consciousness still evolving has a developmental pattern also. Let’s say animals have a simple consciousness; humans have a complex consciousness; and evolution has already prepared a Sacred consciousness innate within humans. The leap from complex consciousness, which we enjoy in time and space, to Sacred consciousness is as great as the leap from animal's simple consciousness to human's complex and organized consciousness.

Complex consciousness is advancing at a tremendous rate within its own level.

Our conscious horizons are widening in many directions: psychology, science, technology, and other areas of endeavor's intentional deepening.

Meditation and or drug induced altered states of consciousness are on this complex consciousness level. Altered states are experiments within complex consciousness and have nothing to do with evolution to a higher level. Indeed drug usage hinders ecology of the mind and may block evolution of consciousness because of brain crippling.

Our complex consciousness is developing (not evolving) within itself. Bernard Lonergan's Insight: A Study of Human Understanding gives testimony to intentional development in consciousness. Human consciousness is continually broadening its horizons by doing its own experiments.

However, a new level of consciousness operations called Sacred consciousness has evolved within some people over the last 3,000 years and possibly in Achanetan during the 14th century BC in Egypt. This consciousness is so awesome it has not been described well nor accepted by the populace. The few people experiencing this consciousness have been awed and secretive about their very personal experiences.

Sacred consciousness is feared out of lack of understanding while it is revered as gift in many ways. But, our culture is in denial of this gift.

"We don't talk about that," is the denial I remember hearing. The tendency to unite is a principle of evolution. Humans being the most complex form of evolution, their tendency to unite has become complex, also. While, in-built physical satisfaction 86

propagates the species, the union required for an evolutionary leap of consciousness is enabling love. Enabling love is the proper ecology of the mind. Culture can provide this environs as can the attitude of the individual toward themselves and others.

Enabling love is the climate or ecology required for evolution of consciousness.

This pure love aligned with evolution's natural process facilitates the leap in consciousness.

This new or Mystical level of consciousness completes the cycle of evolution by taking the evolved back to the creator.

The evolved Sacred consciousness is able to perceive Infinite reality. This consciousness experiences God forming creation within its own greater Self. Sacred consciousness perceives its own Self united with God. It perceives God's revelation of creation. God planned evolution has already developed Sacred consciousness as an innate potential for all. Our task is learning how to use this gift.

There have been hints of greater consciousness. Lonergan turns to Augustine on this subject. "Augustine had advanced that our knowledge of truth originated not from without but from within us yet not simply from within us but in some illumination in which we consulted the eternal grounds and norms of things." p. 370 Insight. And further, "Aquinas explained that we consult the eternal grounds and norms, not by taking a look at them, but by having within us a light of intelligence that is a created participation of the eternal and uncreated light." (Sum Theol., 1 q. 84, a.5) I equate this "light of intelligence" with Sacred Consciousness.

What requirements would activate Sacred consciousness' within one person or the whole species? Some factors are 1. Enabling culture, 2. Personal focus on enabling love, 3. Health of body and brain, 4. Discipline. Enabling love is the human ecology necessary to evolve Sacred consciousness. In effect a total ecology of humanity would be required.

Evolution principle has operated on uniting matter down through the centuries.

How can humans align themselves with evolution's principle? Matter is a form of energy.

So can we align the brain released energy with enabling love in such a way as to evolve at the consciousness level?

The ecology for evolution of consciousness was accomplished by myself and by culture. I didn't know I was setting myself up for evolving. Since a leap in consciousness was accomplished lets review the enhancing factors within myself and in culture.

Culture enabled spiritual autonomy: 1. Religion's status quo was suddenly open to autonomy by Vatican II. I attended a class to keep updated on Vatican II's changes as they happened. I found this class fascinating as taught by Tom Grief, a Jesuit.

2. Economics was stable. We were in debt but jobs were plentiful. My necessity to stay home with the children enabled me to have time for a religious focus.

3. Politics was in good leadership. "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

4. Science advanced in a wide spectrum of areas. Developments in psychology, medicine, technology, and evolution were very important in enabling creativity within culture.

Personal enabled spiritual autonomy: 1. Discipline, good.

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2. Health, very good. Ate healthful food, exercised, and had positive attitude.

3. Family called out my talents and love. Tensions with husband necessitated my seeking understanding and peace.

4. Spiritual seeking was my focus in life. Group and separate spiritual friends...we studied, shared spiritual thoughts and prayed together. The study of Teilhard de Chardin's ideas concerning evolution was especially important.

5. Developed a wisdom melody for the pure desire to know 'the power of love'.

This melody became continual prayer. It put me face to face with mystery. I gained many insights about love and support of others. I didn't know where the prayer would lead.

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Chapter VI MYSTICISM’S PREMISES DEFINED

Love Redefined An attitude of pure love is the way to God. There is no short cut to the prize.

Manipulation of yourself, anyone else (especially in God’s name), the universe, or knowledge can’t have direct experience of God. The attitude of pure love can be developed. This disciplined development is the challenge before the seeker. Pure love can be developed no matter what the situation of your life.

Love is the first sign of purity. Love bonding is a never ending addition to physical uniting. It is an uniting of spirit, which generates potentials. It is a calling out of our highest potentials. Love's gifts aid our development by providing the climate of growth. Respect, security and freedom are the love gifts residing within ourSelf. Mc-beautiful Freedom is the climate of growth. Freedom allows experimentation and continual growth. Freedom has faith in the more, the mystery God has provided for our playmate.

Mystery is tantalizing to our potential because it is the shell of truth. Our potential challenged, provides prolific energy for the pursuit. Compassionate truth nourishes pure love. Just as the athlete trains muscles for the Olympian championship, the religious embeds their life with guileless love. Both sets of training are exhausting but invigorating. The aspirant can have confidence in gaining the prize, muscle or compassion. The price of success is discipline of mind and body for the athlete and attitude of pure love for the religious.

The athlete trains for the challenge in time where performance is clocked. The religious trains for a moment of Eternity. The religious is released to Eternity by the muscle of' pure love. This pure love perfection exists as only a moment in our paradoxical time. But, a moment is Eternity in the Infinite. This moment opens a new Sacred consciousness to Revelation of the reality within our Self. The ultimate power of pure love is activation of Sacred consciousness. Sacred consciousness is the door to the Holy. This consciousness opens us to our Selves. We experience our Self through Sacred consciousness. This is the door God provided in the evolutionary pattern. It is there for us to discover.

Sacred consciousness receives God's revelation of how we are united with Triune God within our Self. When we return to finite consciousness we remember God. This memory of God is Moses 'back side of God'. Our memory of God, from immediate experience, fills us with gratefulness and humility. We realize God is everywhere and God is our personal center.

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Sacred Consciousness Defined Sacred consciousness is becoming more available because of God enabled evolution. This consciousness' elements are complex. The way to attain this consciousness is uncharted, variable, and not perfected. The way is like the faltering first steps of the ape standing upright. The basis of the way is the power of love but the details are in need of study.

As sacred consciousness becomes more common it will be more clearly defined and thought normal. My intent is to define Sacred consciousness as clearly as possible. I will define it from memory. I shall also compare it with other people’s experiences of the same consciousness to establish the main elements and operations of this consciousness.

The fear of sacred consciousness will be alleviated once the operations are established.

Finite consciousness and Sacred consciousness are levels of consciousness that operate in coordination. Sacred consciousness has many complex operations. Finite awareness watches Sacred consciousness activating itself first within the brain area then it moves outside us, to the front and above ourSelf.

The position of Sacred consciousness is important. While the person is still in finite consciousness, Sacred consciousness establishes itself outside, elevated, and to the front of the body area. With this placement it teaches us about our Self, our body, the Infinite, and the finite world. Sacred consciousness gathers information in the proximity of our body space. In this manner there is no doubt about the location of dark areas and light rays flowing from the Immanent center of our body.

The word Womb, symbolizes universal birth. The womb center locates the formation of the experience within us. Womb in this sense is a universal without gender.

Womb, is the beginning of creation. It is the cleft in the mountain rock for Moses' experience of God. Paradoxically, universal womb is located in the Immanent center of the body, of the Self.

My experience made use of the Immanent center of my body for the Womb of Creation (I already had surgical removal of my uterus after my fifth childbirth. So, this location has nothing to do with feminine organs per say). The light rays originated in the Immanent center and flowed outward. The rays related to each other in three concentric circles depicting the Trinity of God. The light rays had origin and organization through the transparent body, the SELF.

Analysis of Sacred Consciousness as it Happened Indeed, I-thou relationships of peace, love, and desire for the good formed out of our mystical friendships. I felt completely free. I experienced pure love's moment, a freedom to be myself. My wisdom melody, " the power of love" sang itself oscillating behind our conversation.

Suddenly, I experienced sharp pain in the center of my body. Immediately my ordinary life stopped. My awareness inadvertently focused on the pain. The pain flushed 90

through my body. I wasn't aware of anyone or anything around me after the pain began.

I was silent, ego-less, alone with the pain. Somehow, I knew this was the beginning of a further development. There was no choice, no options on whether to proceed with the experience. I felt completely vulnerable to an unknown. Mystery engulfed me. My ordinary consciousness questioned, "What is this pain?"

My awareness swiftly changed to two levels. My finite awareness observed the formation of an autonomous, sacred consciousness outside my body. This consciousness formulated itself within the area of my head and moved-arched, outward to a location in front and above my body. The inner-eye of my normal awareness watched this new consciousness form outside, above my body space...It formed unbidden, fast, and powerful.

Sacred consciousness located itself with speed and immediacy. It leaped beyond my body. It went out from the area of my head to about three feet in front and slightly above me...like an extension of myself. Then I could see myself! My new consciousness went out from myself in order to see myself. This sacred consciousness knew exactly what to do...It was self actuating.

My normal consciousness was merely an observer and recorder of what Sacred consciousness experienced. This powerful Sacred consciousness directed itself to the source of the pain. The pain was emanating from the very center of my body.

The new sacred consciousness had senses that observed the eternal world. This new awareness penetrated through my clothing. The effort was complete; my clothing was eclipsed. Then this new consciousness saw through my flesh to the center of myself.

At this point I was no longer aware of my natural body. My body space became translucent.

My, translucent body was located where my natural body had been. It had confines of delineation but no flesh or bone. This superseding figure, the translucent body was mine; I, myself was present.

The pain was still piercing. From the center of the pain an alive, dark, oval shape appeared then the pain ceased.

The Word, "Womb" came to my cosmic view and cosmic hearing.

Sacred consciousness heard soundless sound and saw nonexistent words. Total eclipse of the finite, the body, the world, and sound was complete. I was aware of myself only as background. The Infinite reality predominated as I experienced by Sacred consciousness.

In this realm my physical body was eclipsed but its location was used for the center of the unfolding experience. Sacred consciousness peered into the center. A dark oval shape, a dark energy appeared in the center of my flesh-less womb. The shape was an alive, potent black with great depth. Out of this center a white light in the shape of a small figure began moving forward as though walking. My ordinary awareness spontaneously questioned, "Is it Mary?"

The answer came, "No (not negating), but it is more." The significance was purity and new life coming from no-thing, forming out of mystery.

Sacred consciousness was completely centered on this unfolding experience. The no-thing awareness was constant. The powerful striving of consciousness became calm.

Effort ceased as stabilized Sacred consciousness saw and heard the given, the revelation.

My finite consciousness was aware of my more powerful sacred consciousness.

While this new consciousness was aware of the Infinite and the first creation, the Light 91

and the Word.

The center was serene and perpetually potential. It was eternal and alive in motion. The center was moving backward and forward at the same time. This flowing center reached infinitely back and at the same time moved through me...When this action was constant it remained flexibly vibrant throughout the unfolding experience.

Narrow curving rays of light flowed effortlessly from the center just beyond the alive, energizing, dark form. The rays were serene, perpetual and eternal. The experience continued to unfold. These perpetual rays of light shone outward from the center.

"Jesus," the Word was seen and heard describing the light.

There was order, constancy, ease and power overwhelming my ordinary but not my new level of consciousness. In this fountain like flow the almost transparent but yet brilliant, slightly curved streams of light flowed out perpetually.

Rays of light continued to flow from the center as another flowing light started to display beyond these already active areas. These new rays of light formed a larger circumference of radiation beyond the first.

A potent area of dark circumference similar to the center formed a circumference delineating the two areas of light.

This second perpetual flowing out Light enlarged the area where my translucent body could no longer be seen by my new Sacred consciousness.

"Awe," the Word let me know I was within the ground of Reverence, Holiness and Wonder.

A third radiance formed a halo beyond the first two constant displays of Light.

Now, there were three ovals of Light flowing from the direction of the center outward.

The center was still a living darkness and dark spaces showed between the ovals of translucent Light.

"GOD!" the Word, resounded to my Sacred consciousness.

Sacred consciousness was aware of my envelopment in the Light and the Word.

Now, the complete area of my translucent body was enveloped in perpetual Light. This Trinitarian Light transfigured me. The Word instructed me the transfiguration was God. My mystical experience was over as quickly as it began.

I had immediate reflection from memory. The whole experience was recorded on my memory. I could reflect on the experience.

I could remember how I had been taken out of myself and shown my inner Being, Glorious Essence. I could review how the flowing Light came from no-thing mysterious center. This center was described by the infused word, "Womb." All of the Light and action was calm, orderly, perpetual, engrossing, vital, absorbing, Glorious and Transfiguring. My ordinary body senses and faculties were eclipsed by this greater power. I remembered experiencing my-Self in the Eternal dimension without a mediator.

My memory of Sacred consciousness had no vague dream or thought pattern. The experience was determined, precise, universal, orderly, and transfiguring. I remembered awareness of my new, Sacred consciousness, my body transparency, and my Transfiguration by the perpetual Light and the Word.

When the experience was over my finite consciousness returned to me intact.

After a brief reflection I was once more involved in the scene of quiet exchange with friends. No one else was aware of anything unusual (one person told me later, I had rudely drifted off the topic of conversation). There was the paradox I was rude on one level while on the other level I experienced infinite beauty.

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But, my life drastically changed. I had experienced God. God flowed through the center of myself into my Mystical conscious awareness. The experience, beyond time and space, was simple and uncontaminated.

Ordinary, finite consciousness immediately began processing the revelatory information gathered by Sacred consciousness, which was deposited in my memory. At the time of the experience my ordinary consciousness also gathered fleeting information through my ordinary eyes and deposited this information on memory. This information was only available after (not during) the Sacred consciousness experience.

At the time of the transfiguring experience the finite world was eclipsed by the Sacred consciousness. Eclipsing does not mean the finite consciousness is not operating.

After all, each body cell has a consciousness operating all the time and we are not aware of it. The eclipse clears the way for the new experience to unfold free of finite detail.

Light and dark in the experience contrast each other to show prominence. The dark areas are alive and potent. The light is a stream of brilliance with perpetual flowing outward action. The light originates in the dark center and from each circle of dark delineation.

Sacred consciousness has the ability to see the transparent body, the Light, and see and hear the Word. This consciousness sees into or through the finite body at the beginning of the experience; then, the finite reality is fully transparent. The body transparency is visible to the new Sacred consciousness senses.

Sacred consciousness opens an important way of looking at us. It defines us as Holy, powerful, and loving. It shows us our being in a way only available through this consciousness. It shows us we are not limited to the finite dimension. It opens out the mystery of our existing life in the eternal world.

The real gaining party in this discussion is religion. Religion wants to come from reality. Historically, religion has been the most important item in all cultures. Sacred consciousness brings new definition and energy to religion. This new consciousness clarifies religion's myth through modern day experience of God. John 16:25 signifies our personal relationship with God changes, "...I shall...tell you about the Father in plain words." We have been promised clarity. Our beauty can open out within our courageous disciplined pure love. Pure love is ecology of the human spirit. We have our new challenge for the hero. An Olympian task!

Religion will continually have new life perpetuating humble love and meaning in all cultures. Based on our image and likeness to God, religion will point the way for conscious evolution in the coming centuries. The Light, the Word, and the Trinity are Western culture's main symbols. Buddhist SELF may symbolize the same Reality. The Eternal display experienced by universal awakening Sacred consciousness may be presented in the symbols and language of the various cultures and particularly of the person having the experience.

Consciousness has the same basic operations culture to culture. Sacred consciousness has the same operations cross culturally, also. Consciousness is consciousness just like a dream is a dream cross culturally.

Mystical (Christ, Buddha) consciousness is our savior. Only this consciousness shows us who we are. Again the old maxim applies; know Thy Self, know God. Sacred consciousness is hard won but it shows everlasting gift. It opens us to the Eternal prize. It wins the experienced of God, Buddha, Christ that never diminishes. Its value is beyond anything finite, but it must be accepted as a transient ability that 93

enhances finite living. We return to the market place...not to a remote monastery where we secret our findings. Its reception of Revelation gives us qualitative meaning for our ordinary life.

This Sacred consciousness showed Jesus who He is. It can do the same for anyone. Its purpose in the evolutionary scheme is, showing we are a Holy people. The direct experience of God is evolution at its peak or highest form.

Jesus and Buddha are examples of the few trying to share their experience. They are teachers showing the way to this beauty. One proceeds through (not around) the finite but, in a pure manner. With a pure love attitude one develops to a fine tune.

The discipline may take years of insights carrying you through horizons. The daily discipline holding yourself open to change by the Holy Spirit is the Yes. Eventually, a pure moment, opens Sacred consciousness as easy as a breeze moves a feather. This consciousness eclipses (leaves in obscure operation) the finite for the purpose of allowing a clear view of the Eternal Order.

The quest for personal meaning is answered. Through knowing yourself, you know (have direct experience of) God. Family life, prayer, and pure love spawned my Sacred consciousness. My new Sacred consciousness experienced Revelation of God within my greater Self. Revelation is not clocked; it is a flash of rich experience requiring a lifetime to integrate. It also provides abundant energy necessary to do the processing.

No one understood me when I spoke of my central Mystical experience. How could I bring my depth novelty to the human search for beauty? My own poem answered my question: Repeat see p 83 Witness to Continuing Revelation I always wanted to know The God loving goodness so I searched for truth 'out there,'--And learned dogmas everywhere.

Finally, Teilhard quelled my searching-out.

I learned; pure love brings Thy Self about.

Thy Self in prayer has no bounds To thy Self God reveals God. As only experienced memories show.

Yet a haunting entreat--authorities,’ “No.” With professionally trained finality, “We don’t talk about that reality, go back to the only truth you should sow.”

But the only truth is Biblical mind’s claim, To have caught god in a time frame.

With no living witnesses to challenge the past, Present day interpretation leaves me aghast.

Weakened, religion is in decline.

So, this time round, I’ll not deny my ground.

My memory remains sound to help religion abound.

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P.150 Thy Self is the antiquated term I've changed to modern, Sacred consciousness. People can experience the Revelation of God in them Selves. Their innate, Sacred consciousness can open to the Eternal dimension. Religion's modern day role is no less than learning how to teach methods and techniques for the activation of peoples' Mystical abilities. Religion can encourage people to live and hope in the glory of this fulfillment.

Religions developing Mystical talent would become important. This role would set conscious evolution examples for culture and business leaders. Religion would once more have power to inspire the majority. Religion could change from spawning guilt to become the best supplier of inspiration, a human ecology.

Religions could get out of the manipulation business. There would be no original sin put-downs and control tactics. Money-hungry evangelists would have no more spiritually down trodden to extort. Graft would fade away through out cultures. WOW!

Finite Consciousness Redefined The human aura is a constellation of consciousness in the Eternal sky of consciousness. Finite consciousness is within that constellation.

We are becoming aware of more complex consciousness. Finite consciousness is developing ability to be aware of its own operations. The operator is ourSelf. When we operate we: sense, perceive, feel, imagine, speak, move, remember, etc. All these operations are within the finite world. Even dreams and visions are within the finite.

We can concentrate on specific operations within this finite level of consciousness. For example we can concentrate on spiritual development. Any discipline can be depended on for insights and nuances. We can watch the progress and alter the direction to widen our range. We can allow the effort to change us toward becoming more pure. As we progress we question to understand, judge the truth or falsity, we are concerned with humanity, and ourselves and we decide a course of action. We will deepen our development if we continue in one direction. Caution insights are gleaned in a false direction as well as a truly valuable direction. One direction leads to progress and one to decline.

Even when we think we have exhausted all possibilities we are faced with nebulous mystery. Mystery is coming up against our greatest potential. This is where perseverance works up to a breakthrough. This is where pure love is tested. The test is our faith in God's providing...in our having infinite potential.

A breakthrough at this development stage may open our Sacred consciousness.

Here our conscious operations experience God revealing the Light and Word of God. After Divine experience our consciousness returns to the normal finite level.

Once more on this level we can process what we have experienced. We are again able to choose to develop in a certain way.

Sacred consciousness is evolution experienced as well as direct experience of God. God and evolution coincide at this level.

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Conscious Evolution Defined Conscious evolution is a leap beyond insight of pure desire to know. If we are pure and dedicated we will evolve. Pure love is the stuff of evolution. Pure love equates with primal matter's tendency to unite and become more complex. Pure love bonding equates with Teilhard's "fundamental impulse of life." The bond of pure love creates the power to evolve. Evolving culminates out of our becoming all we can be and still tending toward that unknown.

Teilhard believed our evolution would make Sacred consciousness available to us.

We would participate in Glory of God before we experience physical death. We would live in Heaven on earth.

The challenge of conscious evolution could direct our energies in an exhilarating exploration. Positive seeking could use energies wasted dead ends. Monetary power, political power, and drugs are the dead ends sapping our culture of dignity, beauty, respectability, and evolution.

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Chapter VII PURE HUMAN PROGRESS _________________________________________________ Religion Grounded in Direct Experience of God Religion endures as the important meaning in all cultures. Religion expresses meaning in our lives and mystery of something greater than we are fully aware of.

Different cultures define religion according to their own meaning. Human intelligence has changed worship from the power of magic to the power of pure love. Some religions are slow to adapt to nuances of science and evolution. Change in religion is always ferociously fought because it is a powerful force in our individual lives and effects us so deeply. We can't bear to consider we may have this important matter wrong. However, organized religions' politics and the media schemers are the ones who gain from outdated religion. Simple, we can be manipulated by those who say, "Only we can save you."

Lets remind ourselves, civilizations in history have ended (energy has gone out of them) because they have failed to redefine themselves in a changing world. Lets take our courage and brave redefinition of religion. We are in need of potent meaning.

How could we go about redefining religion? Would it take careful describing and understanding of deep, current religious experience since religion is born out of experience. Just as we have more knowledge of our physical body, through microscopes, we should have more wisdom about religion. Consciousness is more discerning than 1,700 years ago when we locked-in, defined religion through dogma.

When exploring mysticism in the 20th century modern science must be kept in mind. When we trace human attributes we can see where the mystic experience fits into the larger picture. The following holistic view of personal development/makeup is: 1. Exploration (scientific and spiritual) of insemination Forecast-quest, sperm infusion into ovum Climax-body, soul, Spirit amalgamation Satisfaction-birth of new body, soul, Spirit.

2. Exploration (scientific) of body cells Forecast-quest for biological nourishment Climax-satiation, cells become what body needs Satisfaction-healthy body.

3. Exploration (by person) of body sexuality Foreplay-quest for organ satisfaction Climax-coitus, erotic satisfaction of sexual organs Satisfaction-physical potency for new life.

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4. Exploration of ego development Forecast-quest for purity/love Climax-satiated love; I'm loved, you're ok person is love nourishment in community 5. Exploration of mental experiences Forecast-method in quest for truth Climax-insight, understanding satiated Satisfaction-on going mental potency 6. Exploration of wonder/spiritual meaning Forecast-creative love dedication to unknown Climax-revelation of Eternal Light and Word, union w/God Satisfaction-humble knowledge of Eternal God 7. Exploration of afterlife Forecast-near death/out of body experiences Climax-death of body Satisfaction-spiritual life in union with God Human development is inclusive of the seven explorations. Abasement of any part of life is a denial of purity and wholeness. In the history of Western religion there have been centuries of denial of wholeness. The form of the denial was called 'original sin.'

Why we thought God would purposely perpetuate a cripple into the universe I'll never know. God is present in our lives. God's evolution has me curious about my life, my body, my mind, my soul and all that happens to it from my deeper spiritual self and from the environment.

We need to accept our potentials and recognize our compulsions. Wholeness does not tolerate, encompass aberrant functioning. Love aids full development of others and ourselves. Love provides the climate to develop our whole potential.

Lets hold preconceptions in abeyance and look at religious experience through the 20th century microscope. This microscope is our more discerning mind. Our finite consciousness has progressed. It is like a modern technology. It can observe itself working. It can focus its own progress or decline.

With our awareness of transcendental precepts we can now describe: experience of spiritual growth, the transfiguring experience, ask all the questions, get a relevant understanding, compare the understanding to the Bible and other mystics' writing. We judge the experience, decide if its meaning has energizing reverence, and finally share it.

This method is religion redefined by the experienced. This process would energize us humans in our most important meaning, religion.

Mothers, in good faith, used to tell their children they were bad. They might frown, yell at them, and give them a swat. Modern psychiatry calls this behavior child abuse. This behavior is damaging to the child making them think themselves unloved and bad. The child acts more and more like the mirror held up for them.

Like wise, in Western religion, our churches’ calling us sinners stalemates us. We are in denial if we don't see the stultifying effect this has had on our lives. We grow into what we think we are. What a dangerous situation for millions of people to be growing into sinners. We have practiced this outrage for many centuries.

Its hard to change, hard to leave a 'protector' when we are not used to regarding ourselves of value. Harassed and physically abused women have this devaluation problem, also. There are support groups to strengthen them so they can once more feel 98

their energy and value. Reeducation and positive support has proven necessary to change their lives from abuse to appreciation.

Debt and payment mentality began in the 4th century when religious politics took hold. Manipulation of the religious was done through guilt payment for the conjured debt, 'original sin’; we were told we owed.

In fact spirituality really progresses within the person...Not out there in a church dogma. The progress is the child like instruction, God created you, the father loves you, you ask the father for things you want, and you thank the Father.

Our parents and our religious culture give us this beginning.

That is also a picture of adult religion today. This is the reason we can be manipulated.

We have a childish religion. We are adults stunted in our spiritual growth.

The Future of Reverent Wonder Good. We need to progress in mature dedication to God. We need our prayer to change from childish requests to seeking direct experience of God in love. We need to rededicate ourselves to God and join others in mature worship of God. We need to discipline our love into purity. We need to become immersed in continual worship through love, to see ourSelf transfigured in the image of God, to have infused humility and worship, to integrate our whole life into this new reverence, and to witness our transfiguration as a catalyst to the generation.

I decided to act because I want to be a voice toward conscious evolution. Religion always has been my great passion. Therefore, my meaningful voice is that of a transfigured mystic. What can happen to me, one human, shows the capability for others.

Mystical experience is the basis of religion. Before we can make modern progress in religion we need to 1. Use the cosmic-mystical language. We need to develop a language for precise description and understanding of mysticism.

2. Dispel some misunderstandings that stifled mystical evolution for thousands of years.

3. Give mysticism its rightful high priority in our culture and modern science.

Reverent wonder has a powerful future in the genius of Sacred consciousness.

Genius is described as a strong natural ability for a particular activity. We might say my strong inclination to know the power of (pure) love activated a natural ability, a genius, called Sacred consciousness. This consciousness allowed me access to the ground of being, 'the power of love' which is God. Sacred consciousness was a new operation for me but has been activated by other people. Sacred consciousness, the capability to know God was activated before Christ.

Christ consciousness is essentially the same but, I prefer using the term Sacred consciousness because is not as culturally distinct and infers this consciousness' availability for any people.

I believe in intentional evolution. In other words, our consciousness is advanced enough not only to know we are conscious and to experience ourselves being operationally conscious but, to experience ourselves operating in the Eternal realm of Infinite Light and Word. We can experience ourselves Transfigured in the Image of God as we are created out of no-thing.

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Glossary be·a·tif·ic adj.

Showing or producing exalted joy or blessedness: a beatific smile. neuristic Of or constituting an educational method in which learning takes place through discoveries that result from investigations made by the student

numinous 1.

Of or relating to a numen; supernatural.

2.

Filled with or characterized by a sense of a supernatural presence: a numinous place.

3.

Spiritually elevated; sublime.

Trin·i·tar·i·an a. Of or relating to the Christian Trinity. b. Believing or professing belief in the Christian Trinity or the doctrine of the Trinity.

Trinitarian Having three members, parts, or facets.

1. One who believes in the Christian doctrine of the Trinity.

2. A member of a Roman Catholic religious congregation founded in 1198 and now devoted to teaching, nursing, and pastoral work. pri·mor·di·al

adj.

1. Being or happening first in sequence of time; original.

2. Primary or fundamental: play a primordial role.

3. Biology. Belonging to or characteristic of the earliest stage of development of an organism or a part: primordial cells. n.

A basic principle fusion n 1: an occurrence that involves the production of a union [syn: merger, unification] 2: a nuclear reaction in which nuclei combine to form more massive nuclei with the simultaneous release of energy [syn: nuclear fusion, nuclear fusion reaction] 3: the state of being combined into one body [syn: coalition] 4: the merging of adjacent sounds or syllables or words 5: the combining of images from the two eyes to form a single visual percept [syn: optical fusion] 6: correction of an unstable part of the spine by joining two or more vertebrae; usually done surgically but sometimes done by traction or immobilization [syn: spinal fusion] 7: the act of fusing (or melting) together

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INDEX Pure Love: 8, 64-5, 67, 69,78, wisdom 107, pure love attitude toward evolution 108, pure love bond, moment, leap to God 118, 119-20, pure love breaks through cloud 129, empowers 137, engenders evolution 140, attitude of growth 146, 147, 151-2, 157, guileless attitude 160, power of pure love 161-2, 168, 172-3.

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