glow

open up the moon. let the glow pour out.

honey-cold, shimmering pale gold like your cheekbones under lamplight. warm-like.

i’m with you, slippery roads and maybe not so comforting, but i’m with you when you want me. maybe even when you don’t.

september 26, 2018. 10:38 pm by jana

london is family. it’s hours spent hashing out the machination of the past and forming a new present. it’s being so close to familiarity while also being just far enough away from swampy heat and southern twang that you feel removed, like you’re on the moon. london is straightforward, not holding your punches. it’s the feeling that, maybe it’ll work out this time, and then you hold on to that hope like you’re hanging off a cliff, but as soon as you step out of hartsfield-jackson, you plummet.

ecuador is easier, i think. it’s more like being with friends than family, less pressure, more pauses. it’s muscle memory, knowing it’ll be okay, no matter what happens. it’s defying expectations and independence and loving the little things. it’s the tight feeling in your chest when you’re trying to hold it together, and the world’s trying its hardest to rip you apart.

london and ecuador, by morgan alexis

set me down, sunshine sweet

settle, my love you wild thing, you. fall into my arms and let our racing hearts fall beat to beat. sing to me softly, sweet: the birds will stop to listen, too. hear as they call the calm tik-tok of summer’s cool embrace. lazy heart, my wild thing! sing summer sunshine soft, and sweet. fall in my arms, and let my time fall into yours tik-tok, and beat to beat.

by izzy fitz

an excerpt, by jana

she’s got a halo like third place, like muted bronze and all the disappointment to coordinate. like working your way up and getting stuck somewhere along the way, rusting under storm clouds and rain. maybe i’d like to polish it a bit, give her a smile and and a glow worth sticking around, but i’m not entirely sure how i’d go about that. i am so sure, however, of the fact that thinking about it sends my pulse into a frenzy and my heart all stuttering. being around her is like a fire hazard, i’m so sure of it, and i’m so sure i’ve never felt that with anyone else. i’m so sure. fix the ornament. or don’t. make it pretty, like it isn’t already pretty enough. just have her to hold. plead for her to stay. breathe because she will.

“she puffs a breath of stars and galaxies - uncontrolled and untamed, with heavy brimstone on her lips and secrets on her tongue; exhaling a sigh for adventure as she wraps her hand around yours and feels only the anchor in your palm and sees naught but the chains in your eyes”

by kristina

“ur surrounded by angels day in n day out but there's just this one girl with a halo worth pitying n she always seems to catch ur eye ? makes ur heart flutter a bit”
 by jana

angels, crywolf / antichrist, the 1975 / restless, cold war kids / bound 2, kanye / redbone, childish gambino / LOVE, kendrick lamar & zacari / pink + white, frank ocean / robbers, the 1975 / broken clocks, SZA / see you again, tyler, the creator / while we’re young, jhene aiko / ivy, frank ocean / all your yeahs, beach house / nikes, frank ocean / i got you, HONNE / easily, bruno major / a change of heart - live from the O2, the 1975

it felt sort of weird. like this vague silhouette of an emotion, not exactly bad but definitely not recognizable. and it hit at the most random of times.

like that morning, when i woke up but you weren’t in bed, so i dragged myself downstairs in my sweatpants and your sweatshirt and found you leaning against the island, one mug in your hand and the other sitting in front of you. “i went ahead and made your coffee,” you’d said. “just the way you like it.”

or later in the day, sitting on the couch all curled up with your arm around me. we were picking a film to watch and i remember you said something like, “oh, awesome, this one has subtitles.” and when i asked why that was a good thing - “because you prefer having the subtitles on, don’t you?” i almost felt queasy.

and when it was late at night, and my head was screaming and i could feel the salt behind my eyes - you made me my favorite tea and tucked me under blankets, letting me throw my legs over your lap and shout and whine and cry and i know i was being difficult but you held out, you took care of me. and it washed over me.

i never knew what to do with myself when it did that. how was i supposed to act? what did i respond with? i couldn’t say thanks when i didn’t know what i was thankful for, and there’s never any use in apologizing when i haven’t done something wrong. i just knew it had something to do with the little things, like coffee and subtitles and tangled limbs, things that no one else took into consideration but you and i. i think i asked you why - why do you consider them?

you laughed like it was obvious. i stared, because it wasn’t.

“because i care about you? that’s what you do when you love someone, do what it takes to make them happy.”

and then i got it. that feeling, yeah?

being loved wasn’t something i’d ever been used to.

that feeling, yeah? by jana