artist interview: ester

find her on tumblr, instagram & redbubble as @mielgal / interview by ayna

photo by @tfxcam

brief psychoanalysis

things that characterize my psyche

• regret of every minuscule missed opportunity of love and loss

• sudden switches between emotionlessness and overwhelm

• underlying, lurking fear of decay

• an obsession with manifesting my personality in the physical

• counterproductive perfectionism

• only understanding myself once it is written

• viewing others by the vibe they give me or how they interact with me rather than who they actually are

• an endless search for cohesion

• fear of confrontation for what i already know, as showing weakness in front of others is never wise

• complete lack of diligence except out of feeling — whether spite or fear or satisfaction

• always longing for something vague

by ester

photo by @tfxcam

q: do you consider yourself an artist? i think that i have no other choice. it’s ‘artist’ or nothing -- sounds better than ‘someone who has no practical skills so instead makes random shit’. the label also kind of forces me to have expectations about my creations, and to have a sense of direction on where i’m going with what i’m making. what are the themes in my art? what am i thinking about, what am i feeling about? what spurs me to do this? what should people get from this? when you’re an artist, you impose yourself into answering these questions and growing.

weird existential rant while i was pmsing by ester

it feels like everything i do is just a distraction. instantgratification provides nothing in the long run. depressionis not defeated with organic soup and boba tea withfriends. depression is defeated through self examinationand reflection, through personal change and growth. i amweak, and between my platform shoes and my polaroids,you will find that weakness, trembling. my achilles heel— moments of disengagement. moments of boredom.moments when i realize that life is just one thing shot atyou after another, and it’s your job (not anyone else’s) tofind a point in the void. i am always tired now. alwaysaching but with some laughter as a veil. why do i exist?why do i do homework, why do i paint? what do i evencontribute? do i have creativity, or is it just an artisticmanifestation of my following list on instagram? do iknow how to love, if i’m so apathetic, or do i just wantthings from people? what am i looking for? justsatisfaction? is that even attainable, in a world ofnarcissism and dependence on the instantaneous? i worrythat i have no depth to me. i feel like i’m in the sidelinesof my own game. i feel nothing unless i write it down, iremember nothing unless it is recorded. my thoughts arelittle, and are dominated with hyperfixations on theunattainable. once something is within reach, after suchstrong yearn for it it’s been completely engorged inlonging, i lose interest. it’s like the golden touch ofmidas — once i have it, it is beautiful but serves littlepurpose besides a decoration to my ego. abundance kills.more than that. abundance takes willpower by the throat,and traces it with a dagger until it is pomegranate red,choking. the everyday routine is just a way to avoid myproblems. i am addicted to what the world can give me, w h i l e i g i v e i t n o t h i n g .

q: well, what are the themes in your art? not sure i have that properly figured out yet. i love just taking aspects from other people’s work that i enjoy and smashing them together. and i kinda have trends where i get really intrigued by certain visuals — right now it’s fruits, blood, chains, dreamy photography, and collarbones. i wish i could say that there was more depth than that but my visual art has always been more of an aesthetic thing than a ‘meaning’ thing. however some collages do have streams of consciousness writing in them, with themes like growth and self reflection/criticism and desire.

vampire fairy from space by ester

q: how important is the role of aesthetics in your art, or even your personal life? is there a difference? i think aesthetics play into everything i do. i spend a lot of time making the stuff i own and the space i live in visually appealing, because that’s quite important in making me feel like my life is worth living for some reason. i wear nice clothes, cover my walls in art, and make all of my social media coordinated. i’m not sure it plays into my relationships, but talking to people who also do art of some kind is certainly an influence on who i am and the aesthetics in my art.

photo by @tfxcam

q: which artist has influenced you the most in the past few days? i’ve been watching a lot of music videos recently, and the trancelike, ethereal vibe in king princess’s videos is so lovely to me. i adore the little details like the bubble wrap over the film and the underwater shots in “holy”, as well as the eccentric lighting and lens flashes that are in all her videos. i really want to incorporate this kind of videography/photography into my portfolio somehow.

loneliness stemming from ego, by ester

EGO by ester

photo by @tfxcam

q: is there any ‘goal’ you want to achieve in your artistic journey? i don’t think i have been an artist and figured out enough about myself to really have a ‘goal’ or solid, like, theme or message. however i do generally want to make something that is unlike any art made before, something unique and purely mine. a lot of my art feels like it’s just a curation of what i visually enjoy about the world around me, and that’s kind of hollow in a way. i want to find a way to fill that — to connect it to something meaningful. but i don’t know what yet.

photo by @hk_throughthelens

q: you have created a variety of different playlists on spotify. does music play an important role in the creation of your art? i associate sounds in music with aesthetic a lot … like songs and voices to me have a color and shape and feel. my spotify playlists kind of are auditory representations of my mood (my moods also have colors for some reason). it’s not synesthesia, it’s just that i have an aptitude at associating different sensories into one feeling or ‘vibe’. i definitely think that if i am listening to a certain artist or genre while i paint or collage, it influences the outcome because it sets the mood, you know? hayley kiyoko songs pastel pink and blue to me, but cleancut and geometric -- and so if i listen to the expectations album, i might subconsciously change what i want to make due to that ‘vibe’. i sort of use music to define -- to make some rough edges on how i feel and what i will do with that feeling.


longingforintimacy, by ester

photo by @hk_throughthelens

q: lastly, is there any piece of advice you’ve been given that you want to pass on to your fellow artists? take your time. don’t expect immediate artistic success, and be patient with yourself when you ‘fail’. the most beautiful art is made after lots of thought -- and lots of sources of inspiration. go to as many museums, parks, cafes, and libraries as possible. read lots of books on whatever interests you, not necessarily art/art history. go out of your way to cultivate yourself as not only an artist but a thinker.