The Choice To Group A When we were talking earlier, things came up about people coming in to the groups and then going about general life. We talked about the difference between being lonely or alone, and how people feel about that. We were trying to think: did it help coming in to the groups with that kind of feeling? And how we can feel alone in a busy place, and if you can feel quite happy with your own company? It got us thinking about what we do in the groups. Don’t know whether the other table had anything? Group B We never talked about that, did we? Group C We talked about everything else! I think I said something about how it helps if you’re feeling isolated. Yes! So, it’s worth the effort — and sometimes it is a big effort to come. It takes away that feeling of isolation and loneliness. You could have a hundred people, or a few people but you still feel alone. Exactly. But it’s better than being isolated and having nobody. Group D That’s true. That’s it. If you want to have time to yourself — that is different. If you feel like that outside, when does it go away? It’s quite a lonely feeling, when people say, do you know a person in the room? And if you don’t, that’s when you are alone, and that’s what you call feeling lonely, too. But what if you’re feeling like that inside all the time?
A conversation about coming together to learn collectively, take risks and have our voices heard; with members of craft, singing and writing groups in Stevenson. AIMS Advocacy is a charity providing advocacy services to adults with mental ill health, learning, and physical disabilities in North Ayrshire. Advocacy is about helping people to speak up about what is important to them in all aspects of their lives. This is done on a one-to-one basis, as well as in group settings where we promote working together, creativity, and the importance of conversation as a means towards self-advocacy and improved wellbeing.
We spoke about that as a form of taking a risk. In going to a group, there’s a lot of unknown. You don’t know what it’s going to be and you feel a bit vulnerable. But taking a risk to go to see what it’s about, actually pushes you out of your comfort zone. We were talking about people being glad they’ve done that because they’ve continued to attend the groups and it’s actually — you’ve kind of benefited from it. Just pushing yourself out there, out of your comfort zone! And then, I think, what came up was a lot of stuff about it being an understanding situation. Like, when you’re speaking you feel like you’re being listened to. If you’ve been feeling anxious about coming to the group then you get to have those conversations that are important to you.
You feel your nerves, and you want to feel relaxed and just go in and feel OK, but that’s the way you feel within and it just doesn’t go away. There was one bit I was thinking, where you did feel better when you’d done something, and it makes you feel a different way. When I came in and started doing things, I felt relaxed. It can make you feel you weren’t so tensed up, once you get into doing something it’s relaxing you, and that’s when you don’t — it’s when you seem to go quiet because you’re focused on achieving something. It’s a kind of distraction, isn’t it, coming into groups. And there’s no pressure at all on having to do something but you still feel good if you do. It doesn’t matter what the end result it! It’s just like: “I’ve done that!”
The activities are focused towards working collectively to find new ways of being creative, to play and experiment with the task at hand, rather than providing traditional methods of learning and teaching a skill. Through these experiences we can learn to unlearn the barriers that we face in our everyday. One morning in December, AIMS invited members of the three groups to come together and reflect on what we have been doing, why we do it, what have we learnt, and ask, where can we go from here. Here is the transcript of their conversation sharing their findings:
And you get that bit of encouragement, to give you a cuddle to say, a wee bit of: “It’s nice.” I said that a wee while ago: a hug is a good thing. If it’s appropriate, it’s a good thing. You do something and you couldn’t believe you’d done it. You did something you thought you couldn’t do, it’s something different. You’ve achieved something. You feel good. Somebody has recognised that and is celebrating it with you. We spoke about how taking risks is a good thing because you learn that staying in a comfort zone is just a repetition. So you learn things about yourself and about other people if you take a risk. Kind of — a risk in a safe environment.
Did you feel that? Going into a group?
I don’t know what you’re saying; I think we’re very good!
It’s very safe but very risky in here!
Yes, because listening seemed to be a really big thing. Having people listen to you and take their time.
You try things out that you always wanted to do, but never have. And this group feels safe. I’m particularly talking about the music group. I wouldn’t have done that anywhere else, I don’t think.
So how do we move from taking a risk in a safe place, to taking a risk in the outside world? How do we move out of a comfort zone?
I think it helps to realise that everybody is feeling like that. We all understand and empathise with how we’re all feeling. And from my point of view, I find going from writing to speaking was much easier in a group like that, especially with people that understood. I find myself speaking about things that I would maybe not necessarily have done before. See, when that happens, your nerves all go. You feel like you’re a coward inside, and you’re trying to push to your group. One day you could be all right, and the next minute you might not be all right, because you get a scared feeling.
Is that a compliment? I’m not sure! I think, the most important word here is safe. Feeling safe! You’ll take a little risk if you’re in a safe place, and you’ll take a risk to get to that safe place, too. Safe is the most important word in mental health. You’re trying to recover and try to improve feeling safe. It’s my favourite word, anyway. The group is good because you’ve done something. You’ve got someone to always say to you. That you’re doing well!
WORDS AIMS ADVOCACY MEMBERS // TRANSCRIPT JESSICA HIGGINS ILLUSTRATION LUCY JONES
At the time of writing, we run three such groups: craft, singing, and writing. In each of the groups, we offer a space for people to come together with the right to express themselves and be listened to.
From last week’s conversations, it’s something we need to work on because nearly everybody was saying we want to be more assertive. That might be something we can try and organise. Some people try to get you to move out of your comfort zone. I don’t mean 100 percent. I mean some other people, and you might not be able to move, and they’re still pushing you. How do you tell them to back off and go away? Back off! You know yourself!
We had an interesting conversation earlier about being polite in conversation and talking about how it’s difficult. We were talking about the stages of conversation. How, at the beginning, people aren’t really listening to each other. Then, you get into that stage of politeness, but then after that the conversation goes on so you’re having a conversation about your actual thoughts rather than being polite. Sometimes it’s good to be polite, but you’ve got to put your ideas across. And if there’s something you need to say that needs to be put across in the conversation, then politeness might not always be the most important thing. We talked about that as well, about having different faces and acting things out, and some felt as if they were faking it, but sometimes you have to do that. Acting classes! Maybe that’s next! It’s difficult sometimes to be assertive when you want somebody to listen to your point of view. What I found helpful to me, when I didn’t have the confidence, was to write everything down to be prepared for any conversation that was to do with your future. So that you’re clear. Then, whoever it is, is clear as to the reasons why you may be reluctant to do this. Make sure you’ve got it all, I made a lot of mistakes by just going to people, then forgetting what I was going to say when I was there, because I was so anxious. I wasn’t concentrating. When it came out I never said anything that I wanted to say. So I started making myself sit down and do a list of things I wanted discussing, so that nothing was getting missed. It helped me to be a wee bit more assertive and more confident saying — this is what I want and this is what will help me, can you help me with that?