Finally, a book every family needs! Navigating in-law relationships can be hard, yet Hannarich takes on the challenge and makes something seemingly impossible—possible! If you’re newly married, in the thick of childrearing, or even an empty nester, this book is for you. Hannarich does a fabulous job leading, listening, and guiding the reader to a place of healing and hope. Every home can benefit from her words. ~ Anjuli Paschall Author of Stay and founder of The Moms We Love Club
This book is a must-read for any married couple who has encountered “issues” with their in-laws. Hannarich gives us a glimpse into her personal stories and how she has grown and changed through them. She does not just note the various problems we may face, but she provides solutions, scripture, and practical tips and advice that, when properly implemented, will give the reader a changed mindset toward his or her own relationship with the in-laws. One of my main takeaways was her “4 P’s” strategy, and the accompanying wisdom twist! Her passion for sharing her own experiences and helping you navigate yours is evident. ~ Donna Renay Patrick Award-winning author of It’s In Your Praise and At All Times
I enjoyed reading Decoding the In-Law Code. In a world where “outlaw” relationship crises before or during the life cycle of marriage are becoming rampant within human relations, this book becomes my “go-to” reference resource bank for the unmarried, married, counselors, leaders, and pastors. Hannarich has given attention to this common challenge faced by many would-be couples and married persons today. Her combination of firsthand experience, scriptural exhortation, practical insights, and everyday lessons drawn from others shared in Decoding the In-Law Code provide the reader with a cocktail of doable thoughts to be considered within their peculiar context. I
have been blessed and bettered reading this book, and I know you would equally be blessed by it. Buy it, read it, relive it, and share it with fellow pilgrims on this marital journey. ~ Amos Kevin-Annan Convener of The Creative Couples Conclave Worldwide and author of Unwrapping Being Unmarried
Decoding the In-law Code MASTER YOUR MIND FOR PEACEFUL RELATIONSHIPS
Hannarich Asiedu
Birmingham, Alabama
Decoding the In-Law Code Iron Stream Harambee Press An imprint of Iron Stream Media 100 Missionary Ridge Birmingham, AL 35242 IronStreamMedia.com Copyright © 2022 by Hannarich Asiedu No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without the prior written permission of the publisher. Iron Stream Media serves its authors as they express their views, which may not express the views of the publisher. While all the stories in this book are true, some of the details and names have been changed or deleted to protect the storyteller’s identity. Library of Congress Control Number: 2022930756 Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™ Scripture quotations marked (ERV) are taken from the Holy Bible: Easy-to-Read Version (ERV), International Edition © 2013, 2016 by Bible League International and used by permission. Scripture quotations marked ESV are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked KJV are from The Authorized (King James) Version. Rights in the Authorized Version in the United Kingdom are vested in the Crown. Reproduced by permission of the Crown’s patentee, Cambridge University Press. Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from THE MESSAGE, copyright © 1993, 2002, 2018 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress, represented by Tyndale House Publishers. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the (NASB®) New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1971, 1977, 1995, 2020 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved. www.lockman.org Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Cover design by Hannah Linder Designs ISBN: 978-1-64526-374-6 (paperback) ISBN: 978-1-64526-375-3 (e-book) 1 2 3 4 5—26 25 24 23 22
To the two VICTORIAs of blessed memory: 1. My deceased grandma VICTORIA BANNING, thank you for beginning the generation of godliness in our family. 2. My deceased mother-in-law, VICTORIA AMOAH, I wish we spent more time together and am thankful to have shared these few years with you.
CONTENTS Foreword . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ix Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xi Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xiii Chapter One Admitting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 Chapter Two Call a Spade a Spade . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 Chapter Three Shout the Praise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Chapter Four The Tolerance Hat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Chapter Five All Hands Are Not Equal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31 Chapter Six When It’s Still Not Working . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 Chapter Seven Living with In-Laws. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55 Chapter Eight Conversation Starters . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73
vii
Decoding the In-Law Code
Chapter Nine Death of My Mother-in-Law . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87 Chapter Ten Overlooked Sources of Blessings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 101 Chapter Eleven Five Tips to a Better Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113 Chapter Twelve You Are Not Alone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135 Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139 About the Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141
viii
Foreword
M
y passion for writing had me cross paths with another writer across the globe. I was blown away to meet a highly spirited, cheerful soul with a fiery passion for Christ. We instantly developed a bond and found the same passion for Christ being poured out into our writing. Since then, our friendship has blossomed into a beautiful sisterhood. I had the privilege to read this book during its budding stage. Every word is breathed upon by the Holy Spirit and has the power to touch one’s deep recesses of the soul. Decoding the In-Law Code provides powerful insights and practical tips, which are superbly backed by scripture. My first thought upon reading this book was: “I should have read this book a lot earlier in my life!” I say this because I stepped into an arranged marriage a decade ago without any foresight or without having the slightest possibility that I could ever build a cordial relationship with my in-laws. Because of the stereotype of this relationship, I believed the enemy’s lies that it is a fruitless pursuit! A mirage! A dead-end! But all praise and honor be to Jesus Christ, who sowed the seeds of revelation into Hannarich’s heart who wrote about this topic. She is a living example of a daughter-in-law who has built a beautiful, loving relationship with her in-laws. Hannarich has generously provided golden nuggets of wisdom in decoding the in-law code. I was surprised at how easily I could incorporate the powerful truths of this book into my Indian culture. This book has been a blessing to me in every regard. It not only talks about building a healthy relationship with your in-laws but also delves deeper into building a happier marriage, dealing with in-law siblings, and coping with grief. ix
Decoding the In-Law Code
This book is not just a one-time read. You will be drawn to its pages for every season of your life as you soak yourself in its anointed wisdom and guidance. So, whether you are embarking on a new marital journey or have been married for a long time, this book will provide nourishment by strengthening those delicate marital bonds which are closely linked with our relationship with our in-laws. I pray that you hear the sweet whispers of the Holy Spirit as you read these pages. Aradhana Thakor Calgary, Canada Author, Burning Passion for Lost Souls
x
Acknowledgments
I
am thankful to God for the opportunity to be a vessel through which He poured His heart onto the words of this book. To the love of my life, Kwaku, and my little gems, Asempa, Adom, and Yaw. We embraced this journey together—the many sleepless nights, the many times you had a “zombie” as a mother and wife, but here we are today. Thank you for bearing with me and loving me through the journey. To my spiritual leaders and their spouses who have encouraged me every step of the way—Pastor Max and Mrs. Melody Docusen, Pastor and Mrs. Olumayowa Oke, Apostle Ken and Mrs. Kathleen Dapaah, Pastor Emmanuel and Mrs. Mary Darko, Prophet Henry Addai, Very Rev. Isaac Boamah and Mrs. Susana Haynes, Evangelist Edwin Boateng, and Reverend Wendy Asare. Thank you all. To my acquisition editor, Edwina Perkins; my agent, Tamela Hancock-Murray; and my excellent editor Larry J. Leech II, and all the amazing talent at Harambee Press who ensured this book saw the light of day. I am grateful. Thanks to my mother, Esther Asiedu Kofigah. I am all I am today because you labored as a single mother to raise us. I love you, Mom. To my brother, Oliver, and his wife, Nancy Agyeman Affum. You were my pillar of encouragement despite the many times I wanted to give up. Oliver, you always say, “You are living the life I envisioned for you.” I am indeed living your dreams for me, which I so happen to love. To my uncles and aunties who believe in me so much—William Asiedu, Baffour Asiedu, Honorable Nana Akomeah, Samuel and Victoria Buah, Eric and Rose Danso Twum, and Dr. Joyce Dadzie. I love you all. xi
Decoding the In-Law Code
To my “adopted” sister, Nana Ama Serwaa, and her daughter, Ariel Summer Aboagye. You both added the laughter I needed in times when I thought it was impossible to laugh. To my friend and sister from senior high school, Rebecca Gyawu. Your constructive, meaningful, and loving criticisms pushed me on. Thank you, Beks. To Dr. Bright and Mrs. Claudia Adjei. I stopped writing this book when my mother-in-law passed away. You are the reason I went back to complete this. I am grateful to you both. To my church families at Victory Assembly Carrollton and Calvary Methodist Church, especially Ben and Courtney Lock, Victor and Blessing Ekiliwo, Karl and Dana Christen, Devon and Stephanie Kincaid, Kwabena and Seli Gyau. Thank you for your encouragement and love on this journey. To my resource persons, Claudia Adjei, Mercy Appiagyei, and Ayomide Oke. I couldn’t have completed the section on “Living with Your In-Laws” without your vital contributions. To Johnny and Mabel Hagan, Henry and Darlene Forson, and Ebenezer and Anita Ankrah. We appreciate everything you’ve done for us on this journey. And to you reading this whose name is not on this list: Thank you.
xii
Introduction
A
s a social observer and from my personal experiences and that of friends, I realized several couples, no matter how perfect their marriage relationship, always seem to have that little button that, when tapped, causes storms in their homes. This button usually has to do with the in-laws. I believe that if we could achieve a peaceful and loving relationship with the in-laws, some conflicts in marriages could fade away. When you read each chapter, it is my prayer the Lord will bring restoration to your marriage and your relationship with your in-laws. May God fill your marriage with joy, love, and fruitfulness in every area of your life. Ultimately, the stronger the bond between you and your spouse, the better and easier your dealings with your in-laws will be. Before we proceed, let’s look at the condition of your heart, an important factor in strengthening relationships with the in-laws. I am not sure how you were led to this book. I know that it is not by chance. I strongly believe God has divinely mandated anyone who reads this book to do so. I can say confidently that most of the contents of this book can benefit anyone regardless of age, sex, race, or economic status. If you received this book with a genuine and willing heart to make peace in your relationship with your in-laws, you will receive fresh insights and original perspectives that will help improve and harmonize your in-law relations. To get the most out of this book, the condition of your heart matters. We are told in Proverbs 4:23 to “guard our hearts with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life” (my paraphrase). Prepare your heart before you begin reading any chapter in this book. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you a heart of “flesh” and not a heart of “stone.” Ezekiel 36:26 says, “I will give you a new heart xiii
Decoding the In-Law Code
and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ask the Holy Spirit to give you a new heart and a new spirit. One that will make the book’s words fall on fertile grounds, cause it to yield fruits, and produce a bountiful harvest with your in-law relations and in your marriage. If, on the other hand, you have a great relationship with your in-laws, you will certainly need this book when your in-laws pass away to help you in the grieving season. Or you may need the information in this book to help others encountering difficulties in their in-law relations. Cheers to you with a new heart and spirit embarking on this beautiful experience of decoding the in-law code with me! May these seeds fall on very fertile grounds in your heart and mind and produce a bountiful harvest.
xiv
CHAPTER ONE
Admitting
A
dmitting you have an in-law problem is the first step. A lot of couples all over the world conveniently ignore this little but significant in-law issue. They feel they have more important things to pursue—achieving career goals, building business empires, paying bills, raising kids, doing ministry, or going on vacations. The list is endless. Some couples are aware of this in-law issue but pretend not to care or are too embarrassed to acknowledge the fact. Others are ashamed of being misjudged or seen as evil by the world if they acknowledge the challenges associated with their in-laws. The more the in-law problem is ignored, the worse it gets. Accepting what has been thrown at you by your in-law relations is highly unacceptable. With no significant effort to improve the situation, the in-law situation lingers on, and people endure harboring hatred and resentment on the inside. Many of the pointless arguments most couples engage in have in-law frictions as the underlying factor. Whether it’s bordering on finances: “Why are you spending so much money on your family?” Or information: “Why didn’t you tell me your mom or dad said this or that?” Or attitudes: “Your mother hates me, why does she like to complain about everything I do.” Or even with regard to your children: “I do not like how your mother treats our children.” These are some of the conflicts I had during the early years of my marriage. And most of these arguments often took place privately between my husband and me with our in-laws having no idea the effects they were having on our marriage. For those of us who have children, the likelihood of our kids 1
Decoding the In-Law Code
repeating the hostile relationship we have with our in-laws is very high. American sociologist W. E. B. Du Bois said, “Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.”1 Your kids are learning from you how in-law relationships are supposed to be. They are most likely to replicate your behavior when they become adults and have families of their own. You will be an in-law in the near future too. This is a fact most people don’t even think of or admit. Galatians 6:7b says, “a man reaps what he sows.” What you are sowing now in your relationship with your in-laws is a probable reflection of what you will reap in the near future when your kids are older and you find yourself on the other side of the spectrum being an in-law. A good friend also lamented to me of the countless number of arguments she had with her spouse because of her spouse’s mother. For many years, she said 80 percent of their quarrels all stemmed from something that had to do with her in-laws. Fortunately, she put into practice some of the principles I am going to share with you. Now, she admits they hardly argue as a couple. When they do, it has little to do with in-laws. Because of the work they have done, they enjoy a holistic marital relationship as well as peaceful in-law relations. Achieving the highest heights in your career or filling yourself with the many distractions in life can still not make up for an unfulfilled, unhappy marriage. God created us for companionship to bring us true fulfillment. First to fellowship directly with Him and second to have companionship with our fellow human beings beginning primarily within the context of marriage. Take charge of the joy and happiness in your marriage. Do yourself a favor and admit this: you do have an in-law problem, and it’s about time it was fixed so you can enjoy the holistic marital relationship God has ordained for you.
Two Main Types of In-Laws I place in-laws into two broad categories: 1. The Passive Type 2. The Aggressive Type 2
Hannarich Asiedu
These two represent a comprehensive summary of characteristics manifested by in-laws. If you imagine a scale of one to ten, with one being the passive type and ten being the aggressive type, then all other types of in-law characterizations fall in between on that scale. Some in-laws may exhibit both aggressive and passive characteristics. However, a close analysis will reveal there is always a predominant trait. No matter the type—aggressive, passive, or anything in between—all can get on your last nerves.
The Passive Type The passive type of in-laws are quiet and harmless at first glance. You see them, and you think, Ah, peace, perfect peace, how fortunate I am to have such a quiet in-law. Here are a few characteristics of the Passive Type:
• Though quiet, they have their own “loud” way of manipu• •
• •
•
lating and influencing you, especially your spouse. They do not say much, but their gestures and non-gestures say more than words. You may hardly get into a verbal argument with this type. However, you might end up having a lot of disputes with your spouse because they may not see things the same way you do. Most women can better read nonverbal cues than most men. They use emotions and manipulations to gain ground or influence you and your spouse. They can be very frustrating to deal with because they look quiet and timid and make you look evil whenever you try to stand up against them. But you know their schemes and attitudes. They are schemers who will play on emotional intelligence consciously or unconsciously.
Sound familiar? 3
Decoding the In-Law Code
The Aggressive Type These are the no-nonsense kind of in-laws. Here are a few characteristics of the Aggressive Type:
• They are loud, obnoxious, very bossy, not shy, informal, • • • • • • •
and very aggressive. They are boisterous in their likes or dislikes of you. They ignite verbal and sometimes physical exchanges. They do not keep their mouths shut. There’s no filter with them. They are controlling and will often try to make you do things their way. They are a complicated type of people to deal with. You quickly get into arguments with them and, unfortunately, get your spouse trapped in between. You wish they were quieter and that you could control them instead of them trying to control you. You wish they never came around. But there they are.
Sound familiar?
Bottom Line Regardless of whether you have the aggressive type of in-law or the passive type, they end up causing quarrels between you and your spouse. These poor men or women are often stuck between their quarrelling spouse and their parents. It becomes a dilemma when these spouses must choose between being a loyal husband or wife or being a loyal son or daughter. What approach can we use to enjoy our marriages with fewer arguments resulting from in-law issues?
4
Hannarich Asiedu
Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom. Song of Songs 2:15
Shifting Mindsets Over the years and from one generation to another, the in-law problem has persisted. It has survived and, in some cases, even passed down from one generation to another. Some well-meaning people have come up with all sorts of strategies and techniques to help deal with this generational challenge. Some have even written out scripts of exactly what to say in in-law interactions. However, most of these scripts don’t work because of the differences in culture and people worldwide, making a cookie-cutter solution ineffective. The new method introduced in this book has to do with a mind and perspective shift. You will delete some ideas entrenched in your mind and add new information to replace those old ideas. I will call your attention to revealing facts that have been taken for granted and other ideas that are well known but need adjusted in your mind. These old mindsets have mostly contributed to the troubles you have within your marriage. After you have finished going through this book, you will become what the Bible calls. a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers. Psalm 1:3
What makes the tree planted by the streams of living water an unmovable and unshakable kind of tree? It cannot be moved no 5
Decoding the In-Law Code
matter what harsh conditions it faces. I love using the constants and variables in a mathematical equation to explain this. A “constant” does not change its value over time. A “variable” changes its value depending on the equation. You will become the “constant,” not easily moved. No matter how good, threatening, or ugly a situation with your in-laws is, you become the master of your life, master of your marriage, and master of your soul that continues to blossom and grow. And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins. Mark 2:22
POINTS TO REMEMBER • The necessity of admitting • Types of in-laws—Passive and Aggressive Types • Strategy used in the book—Shifting mindset
6
