Shout the Praise

CHAPTER ONE

Admitting

Admitting you have an in-law problem is the first step. A lot of couples all over the world conveniently ignore this little but significant in-law issue. They feel they have more important things to pursue—achieving career goals, building business empires, paying bills, raising kids, doing ministry, or going on vacations. The list is endless. Some couples are aware of this in-law issue but pretend not to care or are too embarrassed to acknowledge the fact. Others are ashamed of being misjudged or seen as evil by the world if they acknowledge the challenges associated with their in-laws. The more the in-law problem is ignored, the worse it gets. Accepting what has been thrown at you by your in-law relations is highly unacceptable. With no significant effort to improve the situation, the in-law situation lingers on, and people endure harboring hatred and resentment on the inside. Many of the pointless arguments most couples engage in have in-law frictions as the underlying factor. Whether it’s bordering on finances: “Why are you spending so much money on your family?” Or information: “Why didn’t you tell me your mom or dad said this or that?” Or attitudes: “Your mother hates me, why does she like to complain about everything I do.” Or even with regard to your children: “I do not like how your mother treats our children.” These are some of the conflicts I had during the early years of my marriage. And most of these arguments often took place privately between my husband and me with our in-laws having no idea the effects they were having on our marriage. For those of us who have children, the likelihood of our kids

repeating the hostile relationship we have with our in-laws is very high. American sociologist W. E. B. Du Bois said, “Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.”1 Your kids are learning from you how in-law relationships are supposed to be. They are most likely to replicate your behavior when they become adults and have families of their own. You will be an in-law in the near future too. This is a fact most people don’t even think of or admit. Galatians 6:7b says, “a man reaps what he sows.” What you are sowing now in your relationship with your in-laws is a probable reflection of what you will reap in the near future when your kids are older and you find yourself on the other side of the spectrum being an in-law. A good friend also lamented to me of the countless number of arguments she had with her spouse because of her spouse’s mother. For many years, she said 80 percent of their quarrels all stemmed from something that had to do with her in-laws. Fortunately, she put into practice some of the principles I am going to share with you. Now, she admits they hardly argue as a couple. When they do, it has little to do with in-laws. Because of the work they have done, they enjoy a holistic marital relationship as well as peaceful in-law relations. Achieving the highest heights in your career or filling yourself with the many distractions in life can still not make up for an unfulfilled, unhappy marriage. God created us for companionship to bring us true fulfillment. First to fellowship directly with Him and second to have companionship with our fellow human beings beginning primarily within the context of marriage. Take charge of the joy and happiness in your marriage. Do yourself a favor and admit this: you do have an in-law problem, and it’s about time it was fixed so you can enjoy the holistic marital relationship God has ordained for you.

Two Main Types of In-Laws I place in-laws into two broad categories: 1. The Passive Type 2. The Aggressive Type

These two represent a comprehensive summary of characteristics manifested by in-laws. If you imagine a scale of one to ten, with one being the passive type and ten being the aggressive type, then all other types of in-law characterizations fall in between on that scale. Some in-laws may exhibit both aggressive and passive characteristics. However, a close analysis will reveal there is always a predominant trait. No matter the type—aggressive, passive, or anything in between—all can get on your last nerves.

The Passive Type The passive type of in-laws are quiet and harmless at first glance. You see them, and you think, Ah, peace, perfect peace, how fortunate I am to have such a quiet in-law. Here are a few characteristics of the Passive Type:

• Though quiet, they have their own “loud” way of manipulating and influencing you, especially your spouse. • They do not say much, but their gestures and non-gestures say more than words. • You may hardly get into a verbal argument with this type.

However, you might end up having a lot of disputes with your spouse because they may not see things the same way you do. Most women can better read nonverbal cues than most men. • They use emotions and manipulations to gain ground or influence you and your spouse. • They can be very frustrating to deal with because they look quiet and timid and make you look evil whenever you try to stand up against them. But you know their schemes and attitudes. • They are schemers who will play on emotional intelligence consciously or unconsciously.

Sound familiar?

The Aggressive Type These are the no-nonsense kind of in-laws. Here are a few characteristics of the Aggressive Type:

• They are loud, obnoxious, very bossy, not shy, informal, and very aggressive. • They are boisterous in their likes or dislikes of you. • They ignite verbal and sometimes physical exchanges. • They do not keep their mouths shut. There’s no filter with them. • They are controlling and will often try to make you do things their way. • They are a complicated type of people to deal with. • You quickly get into arguments with them and, unfortunately, get your spouse trapped in between. • You wish they were quieter and that you could control them instead of them trying to control you. You wish they never came around. But there they are.

Sound familiar?

Bottom Line Regardless of whether you have the aggressive type of in-law or the passive type, they end up causing quarrels between you and your spouse. These poor men or women are often stuck between their quarrelling spouse and their parents. It becomes a dilemma when these spouses must choose between being a loyal husband or wife or being a loyal son or daughter. What approach can we use to enjoy our marriages with fewer arguments resulting from in-law issues?

Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom. Song of Songs 2:15

Shifting Mindsets Over the years and from one generation to another, the in-law problem has persisted. It has survived and, in some cases, even passed down from one generation to another. Some well-meaning people have come up with all sorts of strategies and techniques to help deal with this generational challenge. Some have even written out scripts of exactly what to say in in-law interactions. However, most of these scripts don’t work because of the differences in culture and people worldwide, making a cookie-cutter solution ineffective. The new method introduced in this book has to do with a mind and perspective shift. You will delete some ideas entrenched in your mind and add new information to replace those old ideas. I will call your attention to revealing facts that have been taken for granted and other ideas that are well known but need adjusted in your mind. These old mindsets have mostly contributed to the troubles you have within your marriage. After you have finished going through this book, you will become what the Bible calls.

a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither— whatever they do prospers. Psalm 1:3

What makes the tree planted by the streams of living water an unmovable and unshakable kind of tree? It cannot be moved no

matter what harsh conditions it faces. I love using the constants and variables in a mathematical equation to explain this. A “constant” does not change its value over time. A “variable” changes its value depending on the equation. You will become the “constant,” not easily moved. No matter how good, threatening, or ugly a situation with your in-laws is, you become the master of your life, master of your marriage, and master of your soul that continues to blossom and grow.

And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins. Mark 2:22

POINTS TO REMEMBER • The necessity of admitting • Types of in-laws—Passive and Aggressive Types • Strategy used in the book—Shifting mindset