Masculinity by Design Workbook Sample

MASCULINITY by Design Finding True North

James W. Bradford with Mindy Bradford

Birmingham, Alabama

Masculinity by Design: Workbook

Iron Stream

An imprint of Iron Stream Media

100 Missionary Ridge Birmingham, AL 35242

IronStreamMedia.com

Copyright © 2023 by James W. Bradford and Mindy Bradford

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Scripture quotations unless otherwise noted are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Cover design by Michelle Kenny

Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.”

Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father.”

—John 14:8–9

Thank you for taking the steps to discover masculinity by design: God’s design! My prayer for you is that both the book Masculinity by Design: Finding True North and this companion workbook will help show you who you truly are as a Christian. The book reflects my life journey. I believe at many points you will see how your story relates to mine. Through it, I will be brutally honest and transparent because moving from brokenness to wholeness calls for this. I have been through many of the same things that you have been through yourself or may be going through right now.

I hope that you will learn from my mistakes and get back on the right path. I hope you find your True North and stay on course. When I got off course, my heart got sick. Then when I got ill, the whole house was vulnerable spiritually. I was no longer walking in God’s design for manhood.

As you begin this journey, read each section in Masculinity by Design: Finding True North prior to starting the workbook lessons. The workbook is divided into eight sessions, with the relevant chapters noted at the beginning of each session. Please

work through each session in the workbook prior to meeting together each week.

NOTE: The following is a Bible study based on the book Masculinity by Design. I am not a trained, professional counselor. If your journey through the book and this workbook bring up major issues in your life that you struggle to resolve, I highly recommend you consider seeing a biblical counselor or pastor for further help.

SESSION 1 DESIGN MISREPRESENTED

Read chapters 1–3 in Masculinity by Design.

THE CROSSROADS

From Masculinity by Design:

Since the dawn of time, every man has visited the same crossroad in life. Some get there sooner than others, but eventually, we all ponder the same elusive questions: “How did I get here?” “Why am I here?” “Does it all really matter?” “Is God real, and what is the deal with this Jesus guy?” (p. 3)

Knowing where you are comes before charting the course for your desired destination. Establishing where you are calls for honesty and vulnerability. Two questions must be answered as we begin this journey. This will establish your starting location.

NOTE: Transparency and vulnerability don’t come easily to men, but it is essential. Allow yourself to be transparent before God and let the Holy Spirit guide you.

4 Masculinity by Design

Two Main Issues

First, who do you understand God to be? Write a brief description of God and how you relate to Him right now

From this, would you say that you see God as He is revealed in Scripture or as you want Him to be?

Second, what are the primary factors that have shaped and defined your view of manhood?

Our lives all represent a story we are trying to write. Our guide in this study of Masculinity by Design is God’s Word. In the Bible we meet men from all kinds of backgrounds, strengths and weaknesses, and abilities. We see Moses, who was a great leader yet not a confident speaker; David, who was a man after God’s heart but who committed a great sin; Peter, who spoke boldly for Jesus yet denied Him before the cross. We all have places where we are devoted to the Lord and believe as we should, but we also all are broken with flaws. We need the Lord both for eternity and for every day.

As you read the first three chapters you saw how I had some abilities and strengths, but I also had brokenness. In my case, a father wound was a deep place of hurt. You may or may not identify with me here, but no doubt you can see both strengths and struggles in your life.

Answer the following honestly and earnestly

1. We all learn from the stories of others as well as our own story. In what ways is your story similar to mine? How does your journey differ?

2. What are two to three of your strongest qualities?

3. What is one or more area(s) in your life where you struggle to be vulnerable?

4. At this point, which word best describes where you are emotionally?

A. Healthy

B. Tired

C. Dry

D. Confused

E. Unstable or insecure

5. Which word best describes where you are physically?

A. Strong

B. Out of shape

C. Tired

D. Getting stronger

E. Weak

6. Which of these most describes where you are spiritually?

A. Growing

B. Struggling with a few things

C. In a rut

D. Not sure

7. By the end of this journey through Masculinity by Design: Finding True North, where do you want to be spiritually? (Choose all that apply.)

A. I want to be stronger in my faith.

B. I want to have a deeper knowledge of God’s design for manhood.

C. I am already spiritually strong enough.

D. I desire to grow as a husband/father/man according to God’s design for men.

E. I’m not sure at this point/something else.

A Distorted View of God

In high school, the team joined together in the Lord’s Prayer after our practices and games. I was well aware of the concept of praying to God as Father. I knew Jesus taught us to pray this way, but I just couldn’t do it, without shutting down emotionally. Reciting the Lord’s Prayer as a group was easy because it was impersonal. Now that prayer

had become real, I could not pray to the Father, because my earthly father ruled with an iron fist. His presence was violent and fearful. He was a ticking time bomb. My perception of fatherhood was tragically impacted and warped. This was a deep wound, and I call it the father wound. . . . Consequently, my subconscious mind created an image of fatherhood from those experiences. We naturally view God the Father through the prism of our earthly father. I transposed my biological father’s character and behaviors onto God the Father. What is your father wound? (p. 5)

Read Genesis 3

8. How did Adam demonstrate a distorted view of God and himself (see especially verses 6–12)?

We see in the First Adam traits we struggle with as sinful beings. He took the fruit from Eve, knowing he shouldn’t have done so. They had been unashamed of their nakedness; now they experienced guilt and shame, trying to make their own covering. They hid themselves from God and previous fellowship with Him. Then, Adam blamed Eve! He also blamed God when he said, “It was the woman you gave me.” When we don’t deal with guilt and shame, blame others rather than taking

responsibility, and turn from God rather than running to Him when we sin, we try to fix things ourselves (like fig leaves) and follow a path other than that which God designed us for.

9. How do we see God’s grace in these verses (see especially verses 15 and 21)?

Genesis 3:15 is called the protoevangelium or first gospel. God promises that though the serpent will bruise her son’s heel, that son (Jesus!) will crush his head. And Jesus did that on the cross! Furthermore, pointing to the cross, God clothed Adam and Eve with coverings of skin, which means there had to be the shedding of blood. This underscores the point that the work of redemption and restoration is a complete and total work done by God, for us.

Because none of us is without sin (Romans 3:23), we all have distorted views.

We are all broken in some way. All of us. Sometimes brokenness comes into our lives simply because we live in a fallen world affected by sin. We get cancer. We lose our job in an economic downturn. We struggle with mental health. Some things happen without a clear cause; we just live in a sinful world that brings pain.

Sometimes we experience brokenness because of our own failure, bad choices, and personal sin. Sometimes we are broken because of the impact other people have on us. For me, my relationship with my father had a particularly bad impact. The good news is that, through Jesus, failure isn’t final and God can and will still use us for His glory.

10. Reflect on the first time you remember hearing about Jesus. What did you hear? Where were you? When did this happen? Who shared it with you?

Your Father and God the Father

11. Describe your earthly father’s character traits both positively and negatively. Which stands out more, the positive or negative?

12. Describe your relationship with your earthly father and ways you tried to earn your father’s approval and acceptance.

If your father served as a good role model and showed encouragement, take time to thank God for this. If your father, like mine, failed in his role, thank God that He is the Father we all need and desire, and that He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalms 34:18).

A Distorted View of Manhood

When I was in third grade, I found the not-soprivate hiding place for pornography in our home, which happened to be tucked away in my bedroom. There were stacks of magazines available for regular viewing. As a child, I had no idea the damage I was doing by repeatedly viewing these pictures. (p. 10)

Science has now proved that pornography has a profound impact on the psyche of a man. It tends to return his brain to the juvenile state. As we all know, children throw fits when they

do not get their way. They do not respond well to being told no and can be consumed with their own wants and needs.1

13. The average age of a child when they first look at porn today is eleven. If you have ever been exposed to pornography, how old were you?

14. Has this been an ongoing issue in your life? Do you need help in this area?

A very helpful resource for you here is Tim Challies, Sexual Detox.

1 “Watching Pornography Rewires the Brain to a More Juvenile State,” Neuroscience News, December 29, 2019, https://neurosciencenews.com /neuroscience-pornography-brain-15354/.

A FORK IN THE ROAD

In my teen years, I turned to athletics to find a sense of approval from others and my father. Before long, I discovered I excelled in sports. I developed a sense of identity around athleticism, popularity, bodybuilding, and powerlifting. This fed my need for approval from others. The false identity for true manhood had already taken root. The belief system that real men were athletic, promiscuous, and strong had a firm grip on my identity. (p. 10)

15. How would the nineteen-year-old you answer the question: “What is a real man?”

16. How has your answer changed from then until now?

During my time in the army, I began to read the Bible, and I longed for a family. Not just any family, but a good family. Upon graduation from basic training, my first duty station was in Germany. Shortly after I arrived, I met Chris Barton, a fellow soldier. We became best friends and training partners at the gym. The two of us were inseparable. He talked about his love and respect for his father in a way I had never before heard. I remember thinking that I hoped my children would someday talk about me that way because I knew I didn’t feel that way about my father. I wanted to do it differently.

After serving for two years, we took a fourteenday leave to Texas to visit with Chris’s parents. Watching his dad interact with his mother was a huge culture shift for me. His dad was kind, gentle, uplifting, and treated Chris’s mother like a queen. Mr. Barton gave me the first picture of the type of father and husband I wanted to become. (p. 13)

GOD THE FATHER SHOWS HIMSELF

It became clear to me how critically important it was that my beliefs, words, and actions were in alignment with one another for my children to witness. My study took me to the words Jesus spoke about himself. Jesus told us when we see Him, we’ve seen the Father. He also said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you”

(John 20:21). (p. 18)

Read the following verses, then respond to the questions below.

Read John 1:1–14; John 3:16; Romans 5:8; Hebrews 1:3

17. Why did God the Father send Jesus into the world?

by Design

Read Luke 24:44–48; Acts 1:8

18. How is Jesus sending us into the world?

Read Matthew 19:26; John 14:12; Philippians 4:13

19. What is the common thread running through all these verses?

Pray: Ask God to help you remove any ideas that have influenced you or that contradict His Word. Pray for the Holy Spirit to help you see yourself from His perspective, not yours.

SESSION 2

DESIGN MODELED (PART

1)

Read chapters 4–6 in Masculinity by Design.

GET M.A.D., STAY M.A.D.

Read Colossians 1:13–20

1. What are some ways Jesus is described in these verses? List at least four.

2. Today many people treat Jesus more like a mascot rather than their Master. How do these verses show that one can correctly only see Jesus as Master or Lord?

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Read Colossians 1:15–16; 2:9; John 14:9

3. According to these verses, who is Jesus?

Colossians: John: Read Genesis 1:24–28

4. How does this describe man?

5. The animals were created according to their own kind (vv. 24–25). But what was man created according to (vv. 26–28)?

The image of God, or imago Dei, is crucial for us to understand our identity and our role as men. This concept has to do with ways humanity is uniquely different from the rest of creation.

We have abilities that are unique: a bird can fly, but we can make airplanes that allow us to fly too! Beavers build dams, but we can power a city from the hydroelectricity from a dam. Technological advances and the formation of civilizations also give testament to our uniqueness. We are also unique in our relationship with God and creation. We worship God or make false idols to try and satisfy our desire to worship. We wear clothing because we know something is wrong with our worship since the Fall. We have dominion over creation as stewards. We are also unique in that we can experience redemption through Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who best displays God’s perfect image (Colossians 1).

When we experience redemption through Jesus, we can be the Image-Bearers God created us to be. When God restores all things, we will see this image in its full beauty (1 John 3:2).

6. What commission does God give to man in these verses?

Read Matthew 28:18–20; John 20:21

7. How do these verses describe a Jesus follower?

Jesus, who is God, was sent into the world for our redemption. Now, we are sent by Jesus, empowered in the Holy Spirit, as redeemed Image-Bearers! As Christian men and fathers, it is our calling to represent the Father-Heart of God correctly to our children and to everyone we meet.

M—MODELING

Our model (the example we set) is vital to God’s design for masculinity We are called to be an Image-Bearer of the Father-Heart of God

The PGA Tour has a Father and Son tournament just outside of Orlando every year. . . . One of the best parts about watching the tournament is noticing the similarities of a child in his body movements, gestures, idiosyncrasies, and facial expressions, compared to his parent. In fact, the commentators spend a significant amount of time talking about how they see younger, living clones of the dads on the golf course.

. . . Suffice it to say, I was surprised by how similar [my daughters’] personal traits and daily life looked to mine. (p. 29)

Read John 14:12; Romans 8:29–30; Romans 12:1–2; Philippians 1:6; Philippians 2:13

8. What are the marks you see in common in all these verses that can help to understand our True North?

It is critically important that fathers represent God to their children in such a way that their actions match their words as they walk with the Lord.

A Humble Servant—The Call to Servanthood

Read Matthew 20:25–28

9. How does Jesus describe servanthood in these verses?

10. Would you say your life is characterized by you serving others (you adding value to others’ lives) or others serving you (people adding value to your life)?

Someone said you can tell if you have a servant’s heart by how you act when people treat you like one! Some ideas of masculinity diminish traits like servanthood, but Jesus shows us that being a servant is central to becoming masculine by design. When we build our lives on Jesus as the Rock (Matthew 7:24–27), we will learn the value of servanthood. Understanding servanthood is the next critical step in this entire journey.

Read John 13:1–17; 19:17–30

11. How did Jesus demonstrate servanthood in these verses, first with His disciples (13:1–17), then for all humanity (19:17–30)?

12. Are you willing to wash the feet of others? What are some ways, other than literal foot washing, that you can show this kind of servanthood to others?

The call, men, is for us to walk in the footsteps of Jesus and live a lifestyle as a servant. This requires us to lay our lives down for those around us.

MODELING PROVISION

Read Exodus 3:13–15

13. What does God say His name is?

God refers to Himself as Yahweh (also in English as Jehovah), which means “I AM WHO I AM,” in Exodus 3:14. Many English versions simply translate this covenant name for God as Lord in capital letters. In John 8:58 (NKJV), Jesus said to them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I AM.”

Over the next few lessons, we will explore three of the Jehovah names of God so we can have a better understanding of who God is and how He relates to us. First, we see God as Provider.

Read Genesis 22:1–14

14. God’s name Jehovah Jireh (I AM your Provider) is seen how?

Note that although Abraham is our model of faith in the New Testament (Romans 4:3). But here the angel says “I know that you fear God” rather than “I know that you trust God” (v. 12, emphasis added). A healthy fear, or awe and respect, toward God is vital for men to have and to display to others.

As men, the leaders of our homes, we need to have an “I AM” attitude. This doesn’t mean we are to consider ourselves equal to or above God; that’s way above our pay grade! But we should model the love and mercy He shows toward us and to those we influence. We are to be Image-Bearers of the FatherHeart of God, seeking to represent His character.

15. What are ways you can fulfill your role as the human “I AM” in your family?

Provider:

Shepherd:

Peace: Present:

Read John 8:1–11, The Adulterous Woman

16. How was Jesus Jehovah Jireh to the adulterous woman?

17. What area in your life do you need Jehovah Jireh to show unconditional love, grace, and mercy?

18. As an Image-Bearer, where can you provide unconditional love, grace, and mercy to those in your life?

Pray: Ask God to help you see Him as your ultimate provider and your guide as you seek to provide for those under your care.

SESSION 3

DESIGN MODELED (PART

2)

Read chapters 7–8 in Masculinity by Design.

MODELING PEACE

Read Judges 6:19–24

1. God as Jehovah Shalom (I AM your Peace) is seen how?

2. How do most people define peace?

Most people think of peace as the absence of hostility, division, or strife. Biblically, peace is not dependent on circumstances; in fact, our love for Jesus will disturb some people! When Jesus says, “my peace I give you” (John 14:27) and when Paul describes peace as transcending understanding (Philippians 4:7), that kind of peace comes through being made right with God and having His presence with us always, no matter what we face.

3. How do you achieve peace as a believer?

A. Absence of problems

B. Wish for it

C. Enable toxic behavior

D. Pursue it

E. Through intimacy with God in prayer (Philippians 4:6–7)

God made men to be thermostats. Unfortunately, many of us are just thermometers. . . . A thermometer has one job. It simply tells us what the room’s temperature is. The device is powerless to do anything else. It doesn’t matter if it is hot or cold, it simply reports the facts of its environment. A thermostat is quite different. The thermostat has the ability to know the temperature of the room as well. It also has the power to turn the air conditioner on or off, as needed, in order to maintain the desired temperature. (p. 39)

4. Would you characterize yourself as a thermometer or a thermostat and why?

There are four entryways into your heart: your eyes, your ears, your thoughts, and your words. We must accept ownership and responsibility of the entryways to our heart. Becoming a thermostat is not the pursuit but the by-product of a healthy heart. A heart-healthy diet consists of taking control of my thoughts, words, what I hear, and what I see. There is an old saying from gym rats, “you cannot outtrain a bad diet.” It does not matter how hard you work out if you do not have the proper nutrition. The same can be said about our emotional and spiritual health.

I cannot overstate the importance of peace. It is imperative we are on the same page when we talk about it. Peace is not the absence of conflict or problems. Rather, peace is the presence of the Lord. Peace has a very important sidekick—joy. I like to view peace and joy as Power Twins.

They are the crime fighters of my mind and heart. Peace guards my heart, and joy protects my mind. Proverbs tells me the most important thing I can do is guard my heart because out of my heart flows my entire life. It also says what I think in my

heart, I will become. To further stress its importance, Matthew 12:34 says, “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,” and I will eat of the fruit of my lips.” (p. 40)

5. What life circumstances are most likely to steal your peace and joy?

A. Financial pressures

B. Marital relationship

C. Past failures

D. Job stressors

E. Family or relationship issues

F. Other __________________

6. Do you have any man or men in your life with whom you can be completely vulnerable, transparent, and honest? If not, why is this so, and who could you ask to help you in this journey?

Being delivered of my heart sickness is why I have a passion for speaking to men. I don’t ever want you to reach the lowest point in your life where you feel helpless, hopeless, and out of control, like I did. Be strong and courageous. Step out in faith. Ask your Father in heaven to help you on your journey as you spend time in prayer and reading His Word. Seek other men to walk with you on this road. Find one or two guys whom you can trust and with whom you can be vulnerable, then be fully transparent with one another about the current status of your lives. Agree to be accountable to one another and

allow them to walk alongside you as you work your way back to health and wholeness again.

We need each other to get through this, men! Together, you will find the close companions of peace and joy, and they will fill your heart and home, again. (p. 48)

MODELING HEALING

Read Exodus 15:25–26

7. God as Jehovah Rophe (I AM your Healer) is seen how?

My older brother, Greg, was my hero. He was a talented athlete and an incredibly hard worker, but he often complained about back pain over the years. He finally scheduled surgery. When they opened him up to operate on his back, they found his body riddled with cancer. Unfortunately, he lost his battle and his life. I will never forget the shock. Greg appeared to be as healthy as a horse. He was our family’s leader and was larger than life. Greg thought he needed back surgery, but his need for healing went much deeper.

Early detection is the best way to overcome cancer in your body. By this point, you may have become more acutely aware of your need for deep healing in areas of your life you did not even know existed. Do not be discouraged. This is the turning point for you.

Jehovah Rophe means “The Lord is my Healer.”

Surely [Jesus] has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.

(Isaiah 53:4–5 NKJV)

I have personally witnessed instantaneous, supernatural healing. Many years ago, a son of one of my employees had stage-4 cancer and was miraculously healed. God still heals!

When we talk about healing, we automatically think about instantaneous healing, thinking somehow God is just going zap us, and Bam, we are healed! But God heals over time as well. I spent many years pursuing the “zap.” I was relentless with extended fasts, memorizing scripture, going to revivals, giving large sums of money, and countless hours at the altar. The “zap” never came.

Imagine the man who neglected his nutrition for many years until he was fifty pounds overweight. Taking responsibility for his poor nutrition, he asked God to restore his health. Did God suddenly touch him, and Zap, he was suddenly fifty

pounds lighter? God could immediately remove the weight, but it’s much more likely that God would expect this man to trust the Lord to help him develop the discipline needed for better health. A pursuit of spiritual and emotional health brings healing over time. Discipline is a part of that healing.

Read Romans 12:1–2, 9–18

In Romans 12:1–2, Paul looks back to Romans 1–11 where he described in detail the mercies of God we receive in Christ. We daily present our bodies as a living sacrifice to God, and then we (1) turn from the world and (2) are transformed how? By the renewing of our minds. God changes us from the inside out.

8. List some of the ways in verses 9–18 we live differently when our lives are devoted to Jesus and our minds and being renewed.

You don’t have to announce that you are getting healthier emotionally and spiritually from the inside out; people will see it in two ways: (1) They will start observing healing over time in your life; (2) God will work through you to bring healing to others. We can be wounded healers as we take responsibility and trust in God for our own growth in the same way God used people to help me on my journey back to health and wellness.

God chose to show up through Rodney and Bob. Rodney took a leap of faith and called me to say what he felt like God wanted to tell me, regardless of how crazy it sounded. He had no idea where I was in life at this time, yet he stepped out and made the call that showed God the Healer to me. Similarly, Bob chose to take the stripes and get up early every day to do prayer and devotions with me. He walked alongside me on my journey toward healing and wholeness. My healing cost both men something.

(p. 50)

Fun and Full of Life

Jesus had fun being around people, and people enjoyed being around Him. Since we know that Jesus was fully human and fully God, He would have experienced the same feelings and emotions we do, including humor. When was the last time you laughed? Laughter is important.

(p. 53)

Read Psalm 126:1–3

9. This psalm describes God’s people being set free from captivity. How does the psalm describe their response and that of the nations toward them?

10. When was the last time you had a really good laugh and why?

Jesus came that we may have life and have it more abundantly. He doesn’t want us to live life in drudgery. Don’t get caught in the daily grind and forget to live. I want to challenge you to really think outside the box. Mindy and I took Salsa dance lessons. That was way outside of my box, but the joy, and the medicine that it was to my heart, was amazing! I never would have dreamed that would have been so much fun and pleasurable, but it was.

11. What is something new that you could learn to do that would bring you joy? (This might be something you do with someone, such as your spouse, child, or friend, or something you do alone. Just focus on something that will bring you joy.) Here are a few examples:

A. Scuba diving

B. Snow/Water Skiing

C. Fishing

D. Golf

E. Hunting

F. Dancing

G. Playing an instrument

H. Mountain biking

I. Woodworking

J. Other _____________

Read Psalm 37:4; Proverbs 15:13; Proverbs 17:22

12. What do these verses say about a cheerful/merry heart?

13. What do these verses say about being crushed, broken, or oppressed?

Men, we want to spread the joy of Jesus to others around us. Like those pilgrims in Psalm 126, we want to be filled with enthusiastic joy that others see because Jesus has set us free! Laughter and joy will feed the endurance you will need to get through this journey. Make sure you stay fueled up!

44 Masculinity by Design

Pray: Father-God, just as you are my Father, my Dad, I ask you to help me see your heart and be a role model to my family and children that would be pleasing to you. You have shown me your heart through the life of Jesus, and I know that your design is for me to show your heart to my children. Forgive me of my shortcomings as an Image-Bearer, and mold me into the man that you want me to be. In Jesus’s name, amen.

NOTE: For further study, here are some more names of God:

• Exodus 17:14–16 Jehovah Nissi (I AM your Banner)

• Ezekiel 48:35 Jehovah Shammah (I AM There)

• Psalm 23 Jehovah Rohi (I AM your Shepherd)

• Jeremiah 23:5–6 Jehovah Tsidekenu (I AM your Righteousness)

• Leviticus 20:6–7 Jehovah M’Kaddash (I AM your Sanctifier)

SESSION 4

DESIGNED IDENTITY (PART

1)

Read chapters 9–10 and chapter 11 through the section on “Approval Syndrome.”

A—AFFIRMATION

Words Contain the Power of Life and Death

Affirmation is “the act of confirming something to be true,” according to yourdictionary.com. The reality is, we are always affirming something. The question though is, which testimony or story are we confirming to be true? God has a testimony—His story and His Word. In the chapter on modeling, we addressed the behavior. Now we must ask ourselves if our words agree with His testimony, or do our words agree with the testimony of this world, which has the Father of Lies as its ruler? . . . Jesus is our model, and the Holy Spirit is our affirmer. In John 16:13, Jesus referred to the Holy Spirit as “The Spirit of truth.” Jesus also told us the Holy Spirit will teach us all things (John 14:26). In the same way we represent Jesus as our model, we also represent the Holy Spirit as our affirmer.

Jesus not only referenced His life actions but also the importance of His words. (p. 59)

1. What words of encouragement, affirmations, or praise were spoken to you as a child that contributed to your self-image? Circle any that apply.

You’re smart!

You have a lot of talent!

You are so strong!

You are handsome!

You are brave!

Thank you!

I’m proud of you!

I love you!

I trust you!

I believe in you!

You’re special!

You’re the man!

You can do it!

Great job playing!

I can count on you!

You’re the best!

You are kind!

You are important!

You’re valuable to the team!

Great job!

You’re amazing!

Great idea!

You’re considerate of others!

2. Do you remember any negative labels, nicknames, or verbal jabs that were spoken to you as a child from parents, teachers, coaches, or adult leaders in your life? If so, list them.

We know the saying “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” The problem with that saying is it just isn’t true! Words are powerful, which is why God gave us His Word to say the truth about us, both as sinners in need of God and as saints who have been redeemed. The words that you say to yourself are powerful.

Read Romans 8 in its entirety, focusing on 8:1, 16–17, 31–32, 37, 38–39

3. Write down what each of these say about who you are as a Christian:

Romans 8:1:

Romans 8:16–17:

Romans 8:31–32:

Romans 8:37:

Romans 8:38–39:

See all these things that are true and only in one chapter of the New Testament! I hope you noticed that in verse 1 there is no condemnation by God, and in verses 38–39 there is no separation

from God. This is only the tip of the iceberg of your identity in Christ!

You may feel like your life is spinning out of control and you can’t find your True North. Keep steadfast in your journey. You will find True North. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal truth about both the words that have been spoken into you throughout your life and the words you speak into others. Consider looking at some of these verse throughout the next week and memorizing some.

• Psalm 139:13–14

• John 1:12

• 2 Corinthians 5:17

• Galatians 2:20

• Ephesians 1:5; 2:10

• 1 Peter 1:3–9; 2:9

• 1 John 3:1–2

FALSE IDENTITIES

Four False Identities

When we are young, we are driven primarily by external positive reinforcement. This may be in the form of tangible objects such as awards or commendations but also in the power of the words spoken into our lives. As we mature, we generally become more internally motivated, but for now, let’s focus on the external motivators of accolades and encouraging words from others.

When I was young,

I received the approval I needed from others. . . . The approval made me feel important and special. I felt valued and loved. . . . As a result, I developed a subconscious, mathematical equation in my head.

Achievement/Success + Approval from People = Paradise . . .

The bottom line is, we all have issues. I challenge you to take a moment. Turn off all the noise. Separate yourself from the pressures at work, from family, or worries of the world. (pp. 64–65)

The subconscious mathematical equation above was my formula for success. You might have the same one, or it may be different. Contemplate the questions below and really focus on finding the driving forces behind your decision-making processes.

4. What drives your decision-making? In other words, why do you do the things that you do?

5. Identify for yourself those things that make you want to achieve more of the accolades you desire most in life.

In the following lessons, we will study four false identities, or syndromes. The first two—approval and success-driven—are driven by desire. The last two—martyr and unworthy—are driven by worth.

As we study the four false identities, be mindful to see if you have formulated your own mathematical equation that equals the driving force behind the decisions and choices you make in life. “Pursuing a healthy identity is not a destination; it is a journey”(p. 66).

Identifying these negative drivers can be difficult because of their ability to camouflage themselves. You will need the Holy Spirit to speak clearly to you. Read Psalm 139 in its entirety and stand on its promises.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.

(Psalm 139:23–24 NKJV)

IDENTITIES OF DESIRE—APPROVAL SYNDROME

The approval syndrome refers to your identity, self-worth, and/or mental health being contingent upon approval from people. Rejection wounds come in a variety of ways. I shared my story of rejection when I was in third grade that drove me to seek approval from others, but Mindy has a rejection wound that some of you may be able to relate to in another way. My wound was obvious and easy for anyone to understand the long-term affect from it. Her rejection wound was very subtle, wrapped “in humor,” and seemingly of no ill consequence. Read Mindy’s reflection on her wounds of rejection and how it has impacted her life.

When I was three years old, I remember my parents and grandparents teasing me, in fun, with me being the focus of attention, as three-year-olds often are. There was a game they played, and in their defense, it seemed harmless, but it has affected me for my entire life. I would go from person to person, as they would sing, “I don’t want her; you can have her. She’s too fat for me.” Then I’d be

gently nudged to the next person. This went on several times each time this “game” was played.

I know my family members meant no harm and never would have done something if they had known it would affect my self-image, but nonetheless, it not only affected me but contributed to my sense of low selfesteem and thinking I was “fat” for the majority of my life. What seemed like a fun game for a three-year-old planted deep seeds of rejection and seeking approval from others. It impacted my belief system about myself that my body size made me undesirable. This set my course for my future as a preteen, teen, young adult, and adult. Although it is something I still struggle with, I continually have to ask the Lord to help me, because I know that with Jesus I am enough.

Has the feeling of rejection or disapproval created a chasm in your heart that you have tried to fill with approval from other people? Unless this setting is corrected in your personal GPS system, you will never find True North.

6. Do you have any memories of rejection? List any that come to mind.

7. Read the following passages and identify who rejected Jesus in each.

Matthew 8:28–34:

Matthew 13:53–58:

Matthew 27:15–23:

Matthew 27:27–31:

Mark 14:66–72:

Jesus was “despised and rejected by mankind” (Isaiah 53:3). We look to Him to know how to respond to our feelings of rejection and/or disapproval from others. He did not strike out or respond out of woundedness. Hebrews 4:14–15 says Jesus understands exactly how we feel, so we can stand confident in Him and turn our feelings of rejection over to His Lordship in our lives.

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10 ESV)

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31 NKJV)

8. On a scale of 1–10, how would you rate yourself as being affected by the approval syndrome?

We live in a fallen world full of broken people. Being rejected and feeling the wounds of rejection will always be with us. The question is, will we turn to seeking approval from people or approval from God to find our strength?

Fear of rejection and seeking approval are two sides of the same coin. They feed one another. . . . The only way to defeat a lie is to replace it with the truth. Jesus said, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32 NKJV).

(p. 69)

At the end of the day, our approval is in God alone, which is what matters most. (p. 69)

As I am a child of God, He does not relate to me based upon my actions. Paul says in Ephesians

2:8–9, we have been saved by grace, through faith, not of works, so that no one can boast. The death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus has put me in a right relationship with God. He loves me and approves of me just because I am His son. Not only has my sin been removed as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12), but God remembers my sin no more (Hebrews 10:17). Therefore, I can enter God’s presence with boldness and receive His grace and mercy.

(p. 70)

Pray: Ask God to show you whether the approval syndrome is an issue you need to confront. If it is a serious issue seek out help from a pastor or other spiritual leader in your life.

SESSION 5

DESIGNED IDENTITY (PART

2)

Read chapter 11, beginning with “Success-Driven Syndrome,” and 12.

IDENTITIES OF DESIRE—SUCCESSDRIVEN SYNDROME

The success-driven syndrome at its core is an identity that always pushes you to do more, work harder, chase success; it has an insatiable appetite. You will never find rest with the success-driven syndrome.

In God’s sovereignty and awesome power, He separates who we are from what we do. He relates to us as His children, and nothing can separate us from His love. This is the mystery of the gospel—God identifies with us through the behavior of Jesus, because Jesus lived a perfect life. We are the righteousness of God, in Christ. We are complete in Him. We lack nothing. Therefore, we have true freedom. We have freedom to fail and freedom to succeed, but neither one defines us. (pp. 71–72)

1. How do you define success?

If you answered that question based your accomplishments, like position of authority, job-related role, or roles of relationships (how society does), then let me remind you that what you do and the roles you carry are different from who you are. Success for the believer is grounded in the believer’s identity. Because we belong to Jesus, we have nothing to prove but Someone to please! We are fearfully and wonderfully made and uniquely designed by God. There is no one else on earth just like me, and I am a son of God and coheir with Jesus.

2. Who are you? Who are you in Christ? Is there a big difference between the two?

3. In our society men put great value in their self-worth in their job. What is your job-related position(s)? How much does your job impact your view of success?

Read Galatians 2:20; 3:26

4. What do each of these verses say about your identity? What success could we ever achieve that matches the truth in these verses?

Read Philippians 3:3–11

5. How does Paul describe his identity before salvation (vv. 5–6)?

6. How does he describe his identity after salvation (vv. 7–10)?

You see a radical shift in Paul’s life. Before Jesus, success for Paul included his position (v. 5) and performance (5–6). But he

considered all that to be garbage (a polite translation!) compared to what? Not position or performance or power or possessions. All that mattered was knowing Jesus Christ.

Read Philippians 3:12–15

7. Based on his identity in Christ what did Paul consider success in these verses for himself (verses 12–14) and for all mature believers (verse 15)?

We need to set our GPS on growing in the knowledge of Christ and His purposes so we can find True North. The success-driven syndrome looks to external forces to bring peace. In other words, “my success defines me.” This is a complete contrast to Romans 5:1–2, which states, “Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand” (NKJV).

8. On a scale of 1–10, how would you rate yourself as being affected by the success-driven syndrome?

There is nothing wrong with pursuing excellence or achieving success, but motivation matters. Our success and achievement should be a by-product of who we are, not the driving force to fill a void deep inside. The bottom line is, there is nothing I can do to add to God’s love for me or make my relationship any more complete in Him. I am already enough. (p. 73)

IDENTITIES OF WORTH—MARTYR SYNDROME

The false identity of the martyr syndrome is wrapped around self-pity and victimhood. Those who suffer from this false identity believe they are sacrificing for a specific reason or cause, but the truth is, they feel sorry for themselves and want sympathy from others.

Looking back on my life, even though I had accepted the lie that I felt like a victim, I created the false identity of being a martyr. The title of the false identity is not as relevant as the behavior it was pushing in me. What drove me was the belief I was a martyr; I honestly suffered from a victimhood identity. This is a false identity because I wasn’t really a martyr. A martyr represents a person who dies for a noble cause, most notably for Christ. I had convinced myself I was sacrificing my life, time, and energy for the cause of everyone else in my world because of all my struggles. Instead, I had a victim mentality.

“‘I am who I am because of the things that have been done to me. I didn’t cause all of this to happen, and it’s not my fault,’ I retorted” (p. 75). The feelings of self-pity drove me to make very destructive choices in an effort to numb the pain.

Read Genesis 3:12

9. How did Adam blame Eve in that verse? How did he ultimately blame God?

10. On a scale of 1–10, how would you rate yourself as being affected by the martyr syndrome?

The truth is, very bad things did happen to me, but I had a choice. We all have choices. (p. 76)

Read Deuteronomy 30:19; Joshua 24:15; Galatians

5:16–22; James 4:17

11. What is the common theme from these scriptures?

The common thread is choices. Ultimately, I have to accept full responsibility and accountability for the choices I make on a daily basis. We all have wounds, and we all have triggers, but at the end of the day, we all have the power to choose. Choose carefully, choose wisely, and choose the path that leads to life. (p. 76)

The New Man—“that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.

(Ephesians 4:22–24 NKJV)

IDENTITIES OF WORTH— UNWORTHY SYNDROME

The false identity of the unworthy syndrome is a deep-felt belief of unworthiness or shame that is usually based on toxic behaviors or past failures.

What I have learned over the years is most people understand the concept of God forgiving them of their sins, but few can genuinely forgive themselves. . . . They believe they do not deserve happiness in the future because of the horrible things they have done. (p. 77)

12. If you struggle with this, why do you feel unworthy? Choose all that apply:

I failed at a business.

I committed adultery.

I was abused.

I stole from someone.

I am inconsistent in my faith.

My marriage failed.

I disappointed parents/ family.

I failed high school/college. continued

I declared bankruptcy. I have failed relationships. I have sickness/disease. I failed morally. I have/had a promiscuous lifestyle.

I am disabled. I am unlovable. I abused my wife and/or children. I became unhealthy. Other_____________

A self-fulfilling prophecy or self-sabotage is a very real thing. Has that been a part of your life? Do you fall prey to the Unworthy Syndrome? (p. 76)

These feelings of unworthiness are lies from the pit of hell. You can be set free from these lies. It will take some work to reset your mind, but you can truly be free. I believed I was unworthy for years because of choices I made when younger and believed I was disqualified from ever truly having a healthy, spiritually connected relationship with a future wife because of my past failures, mistakes, and choices. But I was wrong. God is still at work! “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10).

The truth that will set us free from this lie [of unworthiness] is probably one of the least taught fundamental biblical doctrines in most churches today. It’s called the Doctrine of Propitiation. Jesus was our Wrath Satisfier. To fully comprehend the magnitude of this, we have to take a step back and look at the totality of the story that makes the cross possible. (p. 77)

He satisfied the sentence of punishment and pain due to me and you. Jesus truly became our Wrath Satisfier. Therefore, there is no punishment left.

(p. 78)

Read Romans 8:1 (Consider putting this verse to memory )

13. Based on that verse, how much condemnation should I feel since I am in Christ Jesus?

14. On a scale of 1–10, how would you rate yourself as being affected by the unworthy syndrome?

The truth is, only Jesus is able to make us worthy to stand faultless before God, and He did that as our Wrath Satisfier. He entered our world, walked as a man, and gave us His righteousness.

As Image-Bearers, we must be intentional with our loved ones by expressing feelings of their worthiness of our time and attention. We must enter their world and make emotional deposits so they can feel loved by us. As we wrap up this chapter

on Identities of Worth, consider for a moment how we communicate feelings of worthiness to others.

15. In what ways can you show your loved ones they are worthy of your time and attention?

Our actions and words are sending out a message to people. The message is either, “You are worthy,” or, “You are unworthy.” Affirmation is essential to those we love because our words and actions have the power to build them up and make them feel worthy and loved. (p. 83)

Take some time in prayer and ask the Holy Spirit to show you those areas where you may have gotten off course and need to repent. Seek His counsel to guide you on your path to a selfawareness of the areas where you struggle. Make a conscious decision to own your choices, to change your mindset, and to reset your course for True North. “Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve. . . . But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15 NKJV).

Pray: Ask God to show you which of these if any are dominant in your life and for help to turn from them. Consider talking with a pastor or other spiritual leader in your life.

SESSION 6

DESIGNED FOR DISCIPLINE

Read chapters 13–14 in Masculinity by Design.

D—DISCIPLINE

One of my favorite lessons from the New Testament is about the Roman centurion, whose servant was sick and nearing death. . . . The Roman centurion was a gentile, and his servant, whom he loved, was deathly ill. His only request of Jesus was to heal this man. Despite his position of authority, this Roman soldier was an incredibly humble man because he recognized his own sinfulness and unworthiness.

. . . He asked Jesus to just speak the word for his servant to be healed. . . .

For years, much of the Christian community taught that Jesus was impressed by the centurion because he requested Jesus to simply speak the word. I see it very differently. I believe the key to the centurion’s faith was what he said following. “[Just] say the word, and my servant will be healed” (Luke 7:7). . . . He said, “I also am a man placed under authority” (Luke 7:8, emphasis mine).

by Design

He then described what it looked like when his soldiers did what he commanded of them. This Roman was highlighting a very clear chain of command. He had a leader to whom he submitted and followers who submitted to him. By using the word also, the centurion acknowledged he and Jesus had similar positions of authority. This man recognized the chain of command spiritually that Jesus walked. Jesus was submitted to the Father’s authority, just as the centurion submitted to his military leader. (pp. 85–86)

Paul wrote 1 and 2 Corinthians to the Corinthian church, a rapidly growing and incredibly gifted congregation but one with more than its share of problems. It appears that the Holy Spirit was moving in a fantastic way; however, Paul’s letters to them were very strong and sharp. They were undisciplined, unstructured, and immature. It does not matter the great things that we do for God if we do not walk in love of God. He is not only the God of love but also the God of order. So, as we pursue the heart of God, we are pursuing order in our lives.

Read 1 Corinthians 9:24–27; 14:33

1. How is the need for discipline seen in each of these verses?

Read 1 Timothy 4:12; 1 Corinthians 11:1

2. What is the common idea in both verses?

3. Do you think of discipline as a negative or positive term, and why?

Read Galatians 2:20; 3:26

4. What do these verses say about your identity, and how does that identity help in the pursuit of a disciplined life?

Discipline comes from the same word as disciple. A person can be disciplined without being a disciple of Jesus, but can we really be a devoted disciple of Jesus without discipline? We can’t. But we can thank God that the Holy Spirit walks with us in our desire to grow in discipline.

Here’s a time my daughter showed me the need for discipline. Perhaps you can relate.

My middle daughter, Amanda, was about ten years old when we planned a camping trip with my friend and his daughter. . . . As usual, the time had gotten away from me (because I was not disciplined.)

I was running late. The gate to the campground closed at 6:00 p.m., and it was an hour’s drive from our home. I picked up Amanda at about 5:10 p.m. When we got out of town on the back roads to the campground with no police officers in sight, I tried to make up a lot of ground. I was traveling about eighty miles per hour, and Amanda was in the back.

“Dad, what’s the speed limit?”

Integrity was my spiritual theme in this season of life, and I would not lie to her. Like every good parent, I tried to outsmart her.

“I have not seen a speed limit sign for quite some time.” I hoped she would simply let it go, and I could continue on my course at eighty miles per hour.

“Does that matter?” she asked.

I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I was frozen in my seat, no streetlights present, only trees on either side of the road. . . . What was I

going to do? Was I going to lie to her to justify my position or submit to the governing authorities and the laws of the land?

“Honey, you’re right. It doesn’t matter, and I need to slow down,” I said. (page 90)

SETTING PARENTAL BOUNDARIES

Read Psalm 23

In biblical times, a shepherd had a staff and a rod as he tended his sheep. The staff was used to pull the sheep close when they would stray. In contrast, the rod was a weapon against other animals attempting to attack the sheep. Therefore, the purpose of the staff was for redirection, and the purpose of the rod was for protection. (p. 95)

5. David, a shepherd, wrote this psalm. What are specific ways verses 1–4 teach us to rely on God as a sheep relies on a shepherd?

6. David also uses the idea of a table in verses 5–6. If you could have dinner with any person alive today or from history, who would that person be and why?

7. David tells us that God Himself prepares a table. We can boldly enter His presence and sit with Him (Hebrews 4:14–16). How might it impact your daily time of Bible study and prayer, or encourage you to start practicing this daily, based on the knowledge that the God of glory invites you personally to sit with Him?

Read Hebrews 12:5–11

8. What are some of the reasons God disciplines His children in 6–8?

Verse 6:

God’s discipline is a sign of His love. A loving father helps his children by teaching them discipline and that actions have consequences.

Verse 7:

God disciplines us because we are sons. A father who refuses his responsibility as a parent will let his children run wild. God does not do that to us!

Verse 8:

If we continue in sin without any consequence or any sense of sorrow or brokenness for that sin, it’s a good sign we never knew the Lord. We will sin; it’s in our nature, even as believers. But if we sin and it gnaws at us, it’s a good sign the Holy Spirit is in us.

There are many reasons to discipline our children like these above. But a crucial one implied in these verses is this: if our children do not respect earthly parents they can see, how can they respect their heavenly Father whom they can’t see (v. 9).

A home without boundaries, parameters, or discipline is like sheep who have no shepherd. Similarly, sheep without a shepherd are like children without fathers. I believe the author of Hebrews is trying to get us to understand this point. Our children may have a biological father, but they will feel fatherless if we are not redirecting, correcting, teaching,

disciplining, and providing boundaries. That may seem like a bold statement, but without boundaries, we have no moral compass and cannot find our True North. (p. 96)

I strongly encourage you to have a regular, consistent, healthy structure for discipline in your home. Ecclesiastes 4:12 states, “a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Modeling, affirmation, and discipline is a three-stranded cord. They also represent the Triune Godhead. Jesus is our model, the Holy Spirit is our affirmer, and the Father is our discipliner. For us to accurately represent who God is to those around us, all three need to be evident in our lives as men and as Image-Bearers and reflect the true nature of the Father-Heart of God. In doing so, we point our children to True North. (p. 97)

Pray: Ask God to help you value discipline and seek what is best over what is immediate. Thank God that He has given you all you need through Jesus Christ to live as a disciplined disciple!

SESSION 7

DESIGNED FOR CHRIST

Read chapters 15–18 in Masculinity by Design.

THE PERFECT WIFE

Jesus is God. He is our Lord (Romans 10:9–10). He is also our friend. When people come to salvation through faith in Jesus, they get a relationship with God vertically, but they also get a family horizontally. That family is the church, which includes both a local family of believers and all believers of all time. The New Testament gives several images describing the church including these below.

1. Which of these images do you find most meaningful personally?

• Family of God (Ephesians 2:19)

• Body of Christ (Romans 12:5; Ephesians 1:23)

• Temple (2 Corinthians 6:16)

• Bride of Christ (Revelation 19:7)

You saw in Masculinity by Design that I focused on the church as the Bride of Christ, depicting a love story between God and His children. It may seem odd to think of men as well as

women as a bride, but this is no gender confusion: it is a way God uses to show how all who know Him are Jesus’s bride, and He is the groom. The whole story of the Bible is one of Creation, where God makes man in His image; Fall, when sin brought brokenness and death; Redemption, when Jesus came to die for sin; and Restoration, when Jesus returns and God will make all things new in a new heaven and earth (Revelation 21:1–2).

Read Ephesians 5:21–33

2. List some ways a human marriage (which is always a man and a woman in Scripture) is compared to the Bride of Christ or vice versa.

Read Hosea 2:16; Isaiah 62:4–5

3. How did these Old Testament prophets describe the day when God will restore all things?

NOTE: Hephzibah means “my delight is in her”; Beulah means “married.”

Read Revelation 19:7–9; 21:2

4. How do these verses describe the wedding of the Lamb?

This describes a love story that will culminate at the wedding feast in heaven. Just to clarify, we are not going to heaven with a bunch of buddies. We are going to heaven to the wedding supper with the Lamb of God.

Many people today do not view marriage as it has been understood in the past, and certainly not the way the Bible does. The Bible clearly views marriage being between a man and a woman; Paul expands this to describe the church and Christ. Many going through this study have marriage wounds. Unfortunately, humanity has cut the fabric of marriage. Men have totally distorted what a good bridegroom looks like, as have many women. This can affect our relationship with God. Take a moment and think about a wedding you have attended. There are warm feelings of love during the ceremony followed by a reception—a time of fun, laughter, and celebrating the union of two people along with their families and friends. Unfortunately, not all marriages continue to display this. Some ultimately fail.

As the Bride of Christ, we look ahead to the ideal marriage. On that day, we will experience the perfect wedding and reception for eternity!

In the first session we looked at how a man’s relationship with his father can affect his view of God as Father. As the Bride of Christ, we can do the same thing. Sometimes a woman doesn’t know if she can really trust her husband. Sometimes a husband wonders if his wife truly respects him. Has our humanity stained our view of what a healthy wife looks like, affecting how we view our relationship as Jesus’s Bride? Here is a question we all need to answer:

You are about to answer the single most important question in all eternity: Have you become one with God, thereby entering into a marriage with Him? Do you really know Him?

The question is vital because the Bible calls us the Bride of Christ, and we must be made one with God through Jesus. Or do you simply agree intellectually with the story and try to live a good life? Men, we live in the times Hosea prophesied about when he said we would call Him “husband” one day (Hosea 2:16). (p. 104)

If you don’t know the Lord personally as Savior, you can call to Him for salvation today!

You can pray this prayer with a leader, friend, or by yourself:

Jesus, thank you for demonstrating your love for me by dying on the cross, paying the penalty for my sin.

I confess to you that I have sinned against you. Please forgive me, and I surrender to you as Lord and Savior. In Jesus’s name, amen.

If you genuinely prayed this to the Lord by yourself, talk to your pastor or small-group leader and let them know!

If you know the Lord and are a part of His Bride, take a moment and thank Him.

DESIGNED TO BE MONOGAMOUS

If you have entered into marriage with Jesus, His blood has washed you and cleansed you of all unrighteousness. He remembers your sin no more. Jesus also commands us, just as He told the woman caught in adultery, to go and sin no more (John 8:11 NJKV). . . .

To be certain that we get everyone on the same page, it is vital for us to revisit the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus said, “But I say to you whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28 NKJV). He then continued the passage by stating, “If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you. . . . And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell” (Matthew 5:29–30).

Whether you like it or not, this is a lesson about

sexual sin. Jesus put everyone on a level playing ground in this passage. Those who commit the act of physical adultery, those who commit sexual sin in their mind, those who commit sexual sin with their right hand, and those who commit sexual sin with their eyes—all of those acts constitute committing adultery, not only physically but spiritually as well. (p. 107)

We must acknowledge the devastation and destruction of adultery, whether in a physical relationship, emotionally, or through porn addiction (Matthew 5:28). We can become numb to the pain and consequences of sexual sin, whether from wounds from childhood, relationships, or the callousness of culture.

5. What does James compare friendship with the world to?

6. “The world” here is not the physical world God created nor does it mean we aren’t to have friends in the world who don’t know Jesus. He’s certainly not saying we shouldn’t engage culture with the gospel, because that’s what the Great Commission calls us to! Paraphrase how 1 John 2:15–17 describes the world, as the same meaning is used there.

Read James 4:4; 1 John 2:15–17

As the Bride of Christ we pursue God and choose discipline over our passions (“lust of the flesh”), stewardship over consumerism (“lust of the eyes”), and humility over pride (“pride of life”).

As a business owner, I spend my life analyzing numbers. Numbers don’t lie. The number of Christian men committing spiritual adultery in their relationship with Jesus is not only alarming but catastrophic. It is challenging enough for a marriage to be restored after one act of adultery. My question to you men: How robust, strong, and intimate could a marriage be with repeated patterns of adultery? Even as a lifestyle? We must stop ignoring this truth and run to our Father to help us be faithful men of God.

Keep the pursuit of renewing your mind in Christ as a driving force so you can be a monogamous wife toward God. You are pursuing faithfulness to God, and purity with God. That’s where the power lies. Darkness will flee as a by-product of the light that shines within you. Pursue God with your whole heart and let His light shine through you. (p. 113)

DESIGNED TO BE INTIMATE

Read John 4:23–24

7. What does this passage say about God’s desire for us to worship Him intimately?

If our relationship at home or our relationship with God looks like the scenario of longing for intimacy from our wife, then there is something wrong. Something is deeply wrong. We have a love problem. It is impossible for us to fully love God through effort or hard work alone. It only comes through revelation or epiphany. In 1 John 4:19, we are told that we love God because He first loved us. (p. 116)

Let’s return to the example of your planned agenda for an evening of intimacy. Allow me to interject a slight twist on the story in the form of a question: Were you planning a night of intimacy, or were you planning a night of sex? There is a difference. It is nearly impossible to have sex with your wife with your clothes on. So, is it possible that you are wearing invisible, emotional clothing in the form of cares from this world, shame, failures, or hidden secrets, which are blocking your ability to be intimate with your wife? Is it blocking intimacy with God too? (p. 118)

Until we completely and totally surrender to and trust the blood of Jesus for complete and total forgiveness, there will be limitations on our ability to be truly intimate. Remember, men, the original design was to be naked and unashamed. That means to be completely vulnerable and honest emotionally, spiritually, and yes, physically.

8. As God’s wife (the church), what is your response when God seeks intimacy from you? Do you reject God when you are not in the mood, in a hurry, or disinterested?

DESIGNED TO RULE AND REIGN TOGETHER

Read Matthew 11:28–30

9. In this passage, Jesus tells us in His own words what His heart is like. Does He say, “I am powerful and judge in heart?” No, though He is both. What are the two main words he uses?

Gentle is the same word translated “meek” in the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:5). He is not easily triggered, He is gentle, He is meek. This is a reminder that real men at times must be bold, but real men of God also know how to be gentle. Lowly is translated “humble” in James 4:6, which tells us God is opposed to pride but gives grace to the humble. As Dane Ortlund observes

in Gentle and Lowly, Jesus is accessible to us. We can bring our burdens to Him.

Originally Adam and Eve were designed to rule and reign in the garden of Eden as a team, completing each other. The two became one. One unit, if you will. (p. 119)

Our relationship with God is meant to be interdependent. Initially, that may sound crazy, but we are not only to be called colaborers with Christ. We are to join with Him in the endeavor. . . . We are the hands and feet of Jesus. I would call that an interdependent relationship, in which we work collaboratively yet function autonomously. (p. 120)

Read 1 Corinthians 13:4–8

10. These verses give seven positive aspects of love. Which of these do you need the Lord to help you work on the most and why?

11. The verses list nine things love does not do. Which of these do you need the Lord to help you with the most and why?

Pray: Ask God to help you be prepared for the wedding feast of the Lamb every day and to be filled with the love of God for yourself and others.

SESSION 8

DESIGNED TO BE A DISCIPLE

Read chapters 19–22 in Masculinity by Design.

DISCIPLESHIP STARTS N.O.W.

Never fight with gravity. Own your own decisions Win the day

We are surrounded by designs or systems and natural laws: the solar system, respiratory system, and reproductive system, just to name a few. This is God’s kingdom, and because He is the Designer, He is the King. There are also laws of nature, such as the law of electricity and the law of gravity. These laws are meticulously designed. When honored, many of them can keep us alive, and when violated, they can take our lives. The Design does not change. The Design does not care what we think. The kingdom does not care if we like it or believe in it. Social status, ethnic groups, and age are nonfactors to the Design. They operate in the precise manner for which they are designed.

(p. 135)

You are probably familiar with this verse: “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you” (Matthew 6:33 NKJV).

1. What does it mean to “seek first the kingdom of God”? “His righteousness”?

Read John 1:1–3; Colossians 1:15–17; Hebrews 1:2–3

2. What do these passages all say about Jesus and creation?

Jesus is the Designer and sustainer of all things. So, when Jesus said, “All authority has been given to Me” before giving the Great Commission (Matthew 28:18–20 NKJV), we can be sure of the weightiness of His words.

The Great Commission is as unchanging for us as the law of gravity is for nature. We are commanded to go, make disciples, and teach. Disciple-making involves all of this. It is not multiple choice.

There is no greater way to honor the Designer than to dishonor the Design. (p. 136)

As my friend Alvin Reid put it: “God created you for his glory to advance his gospel with the gifts, talents, and opportunities he gave to you.”2 You were designed by Jesus to live out the Great Commission and have all you need to do so effectively!

2 Alvin Reid, Sharing Jesus Without Freaking Out: Evangelism the Way You Were Born to Do It (Nashville: B & H Academic, 2017), 119.

N—NEVER FIGHT WITH GRAVITY

When a believer chooses to walk against the design God made him for, the result is like fighting against gravity. But when we walk in the pathway of God’s design to know Him and to make Him known to others, we will find the pathway to grow as a disciple.

A wonderful process for growing as a disciple-maker as God designed us is D-Life. You can learn more about D-Life at livingthedlife.com

Read John 8:31–32

3. How is the design of a disciple seen in verse 31?

4. What happens when we embrace His teaching?

The paradox here is this: the way to be free is to surrender our lives to the teachings of Jesus, as He made us and knows what is best. It’s not always easy (thus a disciple needs discipline), but it is the way to joy.

Read John 13:34–35; 15:16–17

5. What is the key idea for the design of a disciple in these passages?

Being a disciple involves pursuing Jesus’s teaching to know the truth and to love one another like He loves. Truth and love both matter.

O—OWN YOUR DECISIONS

Read James 1:12–15

6. Who does this passage say is responsible when we sin?

We can’t blame God for our sin. We can’t blame the devil either. We must own our decisions. This is critical for men!

Read Philippians 4:8

7. Paul lists a number of things we are to think on. Note that we are responsible to choose these and to meditate on them. What are the top one or two ideas that you find easy to think on? What are the hardest?

8. Many people—including many men—have faced deep trauma in their lives. Has there been some deep pain inflicted in your life that continues to haunt you? Is it something you could share with the group?

9. How often do you think about these painful events?

A. Monthly

B. Weekly

C. Daily

D. Continuously Read Matthew 5:23–24; 6:14–15

10. What do these verses teach about seeking forgiveness and forgiving others?

As disciples, we are called to forgive others who have wronged us and seek forgiveness when we have wronged others.

11. What are the main “pain relievers” you turn to for relief when you feel stressed or tempted to do what you know is wrong?

The Bible says to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. This is the battleground, and it is going to take work. The book Get Out of Your Head by Jennie Allen was a major turning point for me to get my mind back. Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” In other words, we constantly fight against the gravitational pull of the world.

12. What are some ways you can model healing to nurture yourself back to a place of wellness? (Select all that apply.)

A. Healthy nutrition

B. Regular exercise

C. Consistent Bible study

D. Regular prayer life

E. Honesty with accountability partner(s)

F. Wholesome choices with things I watch

G. Wholesome choices with things I hear

H. Being conscientious of my words

I. Sacrifice for others

J. Consistent church attendance

K. Other ______________________________

Read Jeremiah 30:17; Philippians 2:12–13; 3 John 1:2

13. How can you apply these verses to restoration, healing, and wholeness of your life?

W—WIN THE DAY

In chapter 22 of Masculinity by Design, do you remember the story of late basketball coach Dean Smith of the University of North Carolina? Coach Smith said his focus as a coach was “on each individual possession to ensure his team executed the principles of basketball that he believed produced winning games. If they submitted to the principles of winning basketball, the scoreboard would take care of itself” (p. 154).

By the way, that’s the same approach John Wooden of UCLA took, and Alabama football coach Nick Saban said shifting to this philosophy (called “the process”) is what led his teams to the dynasty Alabama built. Coach Saban also teaches this principle of winning the day with his saying, “Be where your feet are.”

“Wherever you are, be all there.” Missionary Jim Elliot, who died for his faith in 1956.

14. Does it surprise you that some of the most successful coaches in history in their sport came to the same conclusion as Dean Smith?

15. What is the scoreboard in your life that constantly tempts you to look at it instead of focusing on the possession of life?

Matthew 6:34 tells us the battle is one day at a time. So, win the day, my friend. Win the day!

Pray: Ask God to help you focus daily on walking with Him, giving your life as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1), and living to give glory to God and bring good to others.