“When you are looking at overwhelming circumstances as a caregiver you need a guidebook that not only helps you on your journey but allows you to walk on the journey with others going through similar circumstances. Mary Tutterow not only walks on this journey as a caregiver, she is able to bring encouragement, healing, and hope through The Heart of the Caregiver. I can’t think of a better resource for caregivers that provides the experience, wisdom, and hope Mary has poured into this resource. You will move from victim to victor and find your joy in the journey is not only possible but probable.” —Craig Johnson, executive pastor, Lakewood Church, Houston, TX, and founder of Champions Club “The staggeringly bold messages in The Heart of the Caregiver have the power to transform the lives of caregivers and care recipients. Sharing this beautiful and biblical course for caregivers is one way the North Carolina Baptist Aging Ministry is providing ‘help for the journey’ to aging adults.” —Dr. Sandy C. Gregory, director, North Carolina Baptist Aging Ministry “We love The Heart of the Caregiver. The book has brought healing, comfort, and joy to our Keeping the Faith support group. Mary has an amazing way of offering grace and perspective while facing the challenges of caregiving. She teaches how to sync your heart with God’s will, allowing you to become the best caregiver you can be. Mary, thank you for your strength and for sharing your hope for all of us through your faith.” —Marti Colucci, managing director, Leeza’s Care Connection “The Heart of the Caregiver beautifully addresses the growing challenge of family-based elder and dependent care. Grounded in biblical truth, this study encourages caregivers by reminding them to care for themselves, that they are not alone, and that they ultimately are serving Jesus. The Heart of the Caregiver offers timely wisdom from one who has walked the road herself.” —Ryan Scott, online campus pastor, Seacoast Church
THE HEART OF T H E C AR EGIV ER FROM OVERWHELMED TO OVERJOYED
Mary Tuttero w
Birmingham, Alabama
Ascender Books 5184 Caldwell Mill Rd. St. 204-221 Hoover, AL 35244 IronStreamMedia.com Ascender Books is an imprint of Iron Stream Media. © 2015 by Mary Tutterow. Revised 2018. First printing Ascender Books 2019. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without the prior written permission of the publisher. Ascender Books serves its authors as they express their views, which may not express the views of the publisher. All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™ Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations from THE MESSAGE. Copyright © by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Scripture quotations marked (CEV) are from the Contemporary English Version Copyright © 1991, 1992, 1995 by American Bible Society. Used by Permission. Copyright © 2015, 2018 Mary Tutterow. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law. ISBN-13: 978-1-56309-176-6 Ebook ISBN: 978-1-56309-100-1 1 2 3 4 5—23 22 21 20 19
CONTENTS Introduction
Caregiver Relationships Diagram
7 11
Chapter 1 — Gaining Clarity
13
Chapter 2 — The Honor of the Calling
25
32
The Caregiver Prayer
Chapter 3 — God Is Still Sovereign
33
Chapter 4 — You Are Loved
57
Chapter 5 — You Are Chosen
69
Chapter 6 — You Are Equipped
75
Chapter 7 — Witness to Love
87
Chapter 8 — It Is Christ You Serve
95
Chapter 9 — Heavenly Focus
103
105
Five Steps to Transformation Worksheet
IN T R O D UC T I O N Congratulations on taking the first steps toward victory! By simply choosing to participate in this course, you have taken two huge steps toward transformation. 1. You have chosen to take “time out” from your caregiving responsibilities to do something for yourself. That is often the most difficult step of all. Finding a way to make time to do this probably took a lot of effort, but you will soon begin to see the rich rewards for your efforts. 2. You have chosen to seek out God’s Truth about your situation. There are a lot of support groups, self-help books, and friendly advice out there, but if you are seeking true transformation, a new way to live and love, only God’s Word and the indwelling Holy Spirit have the power to transform. The Heart of the Caregiver is an in-depth study of God’s Word designed to help you discover all God has for you and those around you in your role as a family caregiver, caring for someone with chronic illness, disability, mental illness, or age-related issues.
1 . THE CO UR S E The Heart of the Caregiver course can be completed on your own or with a small group. The intent is to help you learn God’s Truth about yourself, your situation, and the person you care for, as well as to get you in the habit of spending time alone with Him on a daily basis. The Scripture passages and questions were chosen especially for you in your role as a parent and caregiver—to penetrate your heart so God can do His healing work in you. The course is also designed to introduce you to the practice and power of worship, prayer, and journaling. Expressing your thoughts and feelings helps make them real—offering a starting place for change, growth, and healing. It is important you know you can share your most intimate thoughts and struggles with God. He already knows! You will also learn how to hear answers through His Word, through quiet time, and through meditation and prayer.
8
THE HEART OF THE CAREGIVER
Our goal is transformation—from overwhelmed to overjoyed. At the end of this study, you will emerge with a new heart, a new attitude, new strength, and new hope! Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17
2 . SM A LL GR O U P S Since the days of the early church, God has inspired and encouraged people to gather in small groups to share with one another about what God is doing and to lean on each other for support and encouragement. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 By attending small group sessions regularly, you will: • discover you are not the only one who struggles, • learn new approaches to healthy self-care while improving the quality of care you provide for others, and • enjoy support and encouragement from others who can laugh and cry with you. A small group is a safe place to share and learn from others. To keep the time productive and fulfilling, here are a few simple guidelines that should be read at the beginning of each session.
Small Group Guidelines
1. We will begin and end on time out of respect for each other. 2. Everything shared in the group stays in the group unless a member has threatened to harm themselves or others.
INTRODUCTION
3. Everyone is free to share thoughts and feelings. However, we will not talk over one another or engage in conversations in the group that exclude others. We will not attempt to fix each other (only God can do that), and we will respectfully allow time for others to share.
Small Group Format
1. The study begins with prayer to quiet us and acknowledge God as our source of help and comfort. 2. Your group leader will guide you through each week’s discussion topics from the workbook. 3. You will be encouraged to share your experiences and observations with the group. We suggest taking notes and writing freely in this workbook. 4. Each session will end in prayer, lifting our petitions to God as a sign of hope.
3 . FIV E ST E P S T O T R A N S F ORMATION These are five action steps (located on the last page of the workbook) you can use to put your plan for transformation into action. Look for opportunities to identify inspiration, ideas, and concepts you can plug into the transformation worksheet on the last page of the workbook so that at the end of the course, you will have an action plan for change. Look for the phrase, “The Truth is . . .” throughout the workbook. These are just a few of the Truths you will find in this course. These will be helpful when aligning your thoughts with God’s Truth. There are five steps to transformation: Assess—Acknowledge—Align—Affirm—Act • To assess is to take an honest look at the situation with which you are struggling and the facts that surround it. • To acknowledge is to recognize those facts and how they make you feel. • To align is to arrange your thoughts so they line up with God’s Truth. • To affirm is to testify, declare, or assert that Truth. • To act is to do something in or through that Truth.
9
10
THE HEART OF THE CAREGIVER
This course is only part of your journey with God, but it is our prayer that over the next few weeks, your heart will undergo a transformation that will enable you to serve God and others with newfound joy, peace, and effectiveness . . . from overwhelmed to overjoyed!
The Heart of the Caregiver logo is four intertwined hearts representing God’s heart, your heart, the heart of the person you care for, and the heart of community. As we learn to love and care for each other, God is revealed in our midst (the cross).
THE HEART OF T HE C AR EGIVER
Join other caregivers at www.theheartofthecaregiver.com and sign up for free insight and inspiration on our website. You will also receive notifications of retreats, online workshops, webinars, and podcasts, as well as upcoming information on follow-up courses and very special gifts for caregivers! You are invited to join the closed group on Facebook, where you can meet other caregivers from around the world and share your needs and thoughts. www.facebook.com/groups/theheartofthecaregiver
INTRODUCTION
GOD
Friends
me
relatives husband
Fellow Man enemies
Care Recipient
children
GOD
Friends
me
relatives husband
Fellow Man enemies
Care Recipient
children
11
CHA P T E R 1
G AIN ING CLARI TY Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32 O V E RV IE W To start the healing process, it’s essential to take stock of your entire situation, not only how the emotions and responsibilities as a primary caregiver are affecting you but also pressures from work, relationships, finances, etc. This may seem tedious, but it’s imperative to write down the facts and take a good, hard look on paper at what you are dealing with. Be honest with yourself. God already knows all the details. He knows the source of our struggles and pain. We, however, are often the last to identify the true source of our pain. We can hide, disguise, spin, twist, bury, and even lie to cope. But if we are to have freedom and healing, we must be honest with ourselves about our struggles, hurts, weaknesses, disappointments, and failings. We must put our situation in its proper perspective. For example: • Am I irritated with the person I am caring for or is it really my boss (or spouse, or neighbor, or sibling, etc.)? • Is my pain coming from what is being required of me right now or is it coming from past hurts I have not yet dealt with? The transformational essence of this study is diagramed on page 11. If we care for others out of our own ability we will be pulled apart. We are going to learn how to love God with all of our heart, mind, and soul and to love others with the Perfect Love of God flowing through us.
14
THE HEART OF THE CAREGIVER
Prayer Lord, I ask you to give me courage. Open my eyes to see some things I have not wanted to look at. Help me to see them in the light of Your love—Your willingness and ability to expose them and then bring healing, not more pain. Hold me close, Father, as I open up to You. Treat me with mercy and grace, as I am weak and weary.
S TA RT O V E R You may have been a caregiver for many, many years, or you may have just started on this journey. Whatever the case, it’s important to go back to the very beginning of your caregiving experience and ask God to show you where things may have gotten off track. Receiving a diagnosis and realizing you will become the primary caregiver for someone can be a difficult time. Everyone involved is emotional, and there are a lot of questions flying around. It’s the perfect opportunity for fear to step in and wreak havoc. Just a few simple misunderstandings, disappointments, or miscommunications, and the whole thing can get way off track. After the initial shock of the diagnosis, reality begins to set in and we start wrestling with grief, worry, and fear of what the future holds. Take a moment to recall how you felt when you learned of the diagnosis. Recall your thoughts when you realized the care of this person would fall to you.
GAINING CLARITY
What were your feelings toward God?
What were your feelings toward the person for whom you are now caring?
What did you think of yourself and your situation? I can’t do this. I will surely die from grief. I can bring nothing good to this. Of course I’ll do this. Who else in my family would or could? I don’t have time for this. It’s not fair. I don’t deserve this. I would do anything for this person. Why me? Other __________________________________ Invite God to come into the whole experience—all the way back to the beginning: the doctor’s office, the hospital room, wherever it all began, and let Him have His way with it. He can provide revelation and insight, a new perspective, even a new outcome to things that happened during a very confusing and painful time.
15
16
THE HEART OF THE CAREGIVER
A S S E S S K E Y REL ATIONSH IP S “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:37-39 We are supposed to love a whole lot of people—God and our neighbors. Not just our physical neighbors but everyone we share the planet with. Our family members, friends, coworkers, strangers, even enemies. Every race, creed, age, social status. That’s a lot of folks to love! Then along comes someone for whom we must care in an exceptional way, who seems to need all of our time and energy. How is one person supposed to love all those people? Have we been put in an impossible situation? If we keep on doing things our way, the answer is yes. If we do things God’s way, the answer is no. As Jesus said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). So let’s take a closer look at some of the key relationships in our lives and assess how they might be changing in light of the diagnosis. Start with the person you are caring for. What was it like before the diagnosis? Perhaps: • you were carrying a baby who was easy to love and protect; • you were the child, they were the caregivers, or; • you fell in love with a person who you thought would love and care for you forever.
GAINING CLARITY
Whether your relationship before the diagnosis was good or not, the dynamics of the relationship have definitely changed. In what ways?
Have you taken time to mourn the loss of that first relationship?
How have other relationships been affected—your relationship with your spouse, other children, parents, friends?
17
18
THE HEART OF THE CAREGIVER
Has becoming a caregiver cost you any important relationships? Why? How?
During this time, with whom have you remained closest? Why?
A S S E S S Y O UR FE E L INGS Few of us completely dissolve right away. Most of us put on a brave face for the world then go home and weep into our pillows at night. Perhaps you’ve been ashamed or embarrassed by the way you feel deep down inside about all this. You have surprised yourself with your reactions. You thought you were stronger and more capable than this. The Truth is God already knows how you feel. You don’t have to put on a brave face for Him. Crying out to Him, saying out loud to Him or writing down your feelings to Him can be extremely beneficial. While you may be angry or hurt or afraid, you are still taking steps toward Him, no longer shutting Him out. It may feel presumptuous or irreverent at first, but God wants us to take our deepest pain to Him. It may help you to know you are in good company.
GAINING CLARITY
About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”—which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Matthew 27:46 What does this prayer of Jesus, the Son of God, mean to you in your circumstance?
Take some time to sit alone with God, and like Jesus, pour out to Him how afraid, weak, incapable, betrayed, angry, and frustrated you may feel. Then spend some time with these Scripture passages. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Psalm 107:13-14 Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:38-39
19
20
THE HEART OF THE CAREGIVER
During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered. Hebrews 5:7-8 Caregivers are called into the most intimate of all relationships— the fellowship of suffering. Not only are we called to take care of people in their deepest physical and emotional pain, we are also given permission to enter their personal space. We bathe, feed, and diaper them. We touch their disfigurements. We dress their wounds. We are trusted to administer medicines. We advocate for them. We interpret what they are saying to others. We understand their moans and cries. What an honor; what a privilege! Yet it can surprisingly lead us to some of the deepest pain in our own lives. It can lead us to dark places we never knew existed within us. The repetition, lack of progress, and physical exhaustion can wear us down leaving us weak, weary, and vulnerable. What are some surprising emotions you feel about your situation? (embarrassment, rage, guilt, envy, loneliness, etc.)
GAINING CLARITY
What triggers these feelings?
Do you ask for help? Do you get it? Do you feel angry, frustrated, or defeated when no one can or will help you?
Does caring for this person physically exhaust you? What activities are particularly draining?
21
22
THE HEART OF THE CAREGIVER
You may be feeling overwhelmed, perhaps even raw, right about now. This first part of the study was not designed to beat you up but to help you open up to healing on the deepest level. We have to get honest with how we really feel about some key issues and people. Too often, we are so busy we never really break down the situation and deal with it piece by piece, person by person. Also, many of us don’t think we have permission to feel overwhelmed, angry, disappointed, etc. We think we have to just get tough and deal with it. We have heard well-meaning folks misquote 1 Corinthians 10:13 and say, “I don’t know how you do it. You are so strong. God knew what He was doing when He gave you _________. He only trusts people like _________ to someone very special.” These words often make us want to say, “Are you kidding? This is killing me. I feel shattered and tired and I don’t want to do this anymore!” But we put on that brave face and bury the hurt. Some of us are ashamed of how we really feel and believe no one could ever understand. Another response can be that you begin to believe the hype that you are very special, and God must have known what He was doing because of course you can handle this. The Truth behind 1 Corinthians 10:13 is not that God never gives us more than we can handle. Yes, He does! He gives us more than we can handle so we can learn to depend on Him. He has been tempted so He can help us. He is the “Way Out” (Hebrews 2:18). When we finally get to the point of saying, “I can’t do this anymore,” we are finally at the point where healing can begin. Everything we believe to be the death of us is an invitation to a new beginning. We are not meant to recover. We are not meant to only survive this difficult time. Things aren’t meant to get back to the way they were. We are meant to emerge from this trial better, stronger, closer to God. This is not just something to learn how to cope with. To find the real treasure—the eternal, life-changing, more-precious-than-gold treasure—we need to press in.
GAINING CLARITY
God wants us to understand He did not do this to us. There is something wonderful and good He wants to do through us. This is the paradigm shift, the point of transformation, the essence of this course. We are going to see ourselves, our situation, and the person we are caring for in a new way—through the light of God’s amazing love. Spend some time reflecting on these Scripture passages. Consider what they mean in the light of what you have expressed in this section. No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted. Hebrews 2:18 You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again. Psalm 71:20-21 (NLT) Prayer
Lord, I confess that being a caregiver has sometimes brought out the worst in me. Problems grow in darkness, but now that I have brought my “worst” out into the light of Your Truth and Love, help me take the next steps into freedom and healing.
23