Knowing Who You Are

HOW WOULD YOU ANSWER IF SOMEONE ASKED YOU THE QUESTION...”WHO ARE YOU?”. IT’S A SIMPLE QUESTION.

// By Rebekka Kuzichev //

This year started on the heels of what kind of chiropractor I would be. Right off the bat in my first and an amazing and rejuvenating If someone were to ask: “who second quarters, people started to retreat in Costa Rica. I was a are you?” How would you describe tell me exactly who I needed to be in little burnt out from a heavy yourself? I think a lot of people order to be a successful chiropractor. quarter and felt renewed with love are sleep walking through life and Most of them meant well, but no and confidence and was excited don’t really know who they are. one ever told me it was ok to be to share what I had learned at the When it comes to answering this my authentic self and then to grow HERstory seminar in October. question, people answer in a way that. They told me what I lacked, not

And then COVID happened that is in relation to another thing. how to expand on my strengths and and I think we can all agree that Maybe the first thing you thought of nurture my weaknesses. those were not an easy six months. was: “I’m a chiropractor.” Are you People would tell me: “you It dredged up a lot of past trauma nothing without chiropractic? That’s a have to join this club, you have to that hadn’t fully healed. Even though dangerous way to think. do this amount of screenings, you I had done so much growth during My identity does not solely have to gain mass, you have to stop my time in Costa Rica it felt like I went lie in Chiropractic. Before I am a focusing on academics, you have to two steps forward and then 30 steps chiropractor I am Bekka. But when be more outgoing, you have to be back. It felt as if I wasn’t worthy of I first started chiropractic school, I extroverted, you have to be more being a speaker anymore because didn’t really know who I was. And friendly.” I was back in a place that I had when you don’t know who you are I didn’t really fit into the “mold” been before. But I had come to the people will tell you who you are, and of the stereotypical life west student realization that this is exactly how who you need to be in order to make (and yes there is a stereotype). What we empower each other. By making them comfortable. And I’m not just we don’t know about ourselves can sure we create a space that it’s OK to talking about the surface stuff like, hurt us. And I spent the first 2 years be imperfect in, or to of school trying to be still be healing from something. We help “When we understand ourselves better, someone I wasn’t, just because everyone each other by being we understand others better and expand told me that who I real with where we’re at. That’s how we our capacity to love and serve them. ” was wasn’t good enough. Without grow together. I don’t self-awareness think we see enough stories that are “oh I am from such and such place I of how we see the world and the in the middle part, in the midst of a grew up here I went to school here.” wounds and beliefs that have shaped struggle. A lot of speakers talk about I’m talking about what are my fears who we are, we become prisoners the endings and how they started and dreams? What are my strengths of our history. The main message I at a rock bottom in the beginning, and weaknesses? What is my received from some of the people struggled in the middle and are now motivation? Why do I do the things around me was that I wouldn’t be a where they want to be. And their I do? What coping mechanisms successful chiropractor if I continued message usually consists of “you can do I still use that aren’t serving me to focus on my classes. There was be here too!” This isn’t necessarily a anymore? I know that a lot of these an attitude at school that celebrated bad thing, but I don’t think we see sound like very simple questions but people who did the best adjustments, enough stories that are in the middle once you dig to a deeper level there had the fastest learning curve and of the struggle, and honestly that’s are a lot of layers that we have to got the loudest cavitations. I tried where I’m at. So, I wanted to share sift through, because a lot of things to become like those people and a little bit more about the middle are covered up by trying to avoid viewed my thirst for knowledge as a of my story. It has a lot to do with pain. My question to you is: are weakness, and something that stood discovering who I was as a person. you paying attention? My biggest in the way of becoming that “great And I know it sounds very cliché, I struggle when I started school was chiropractor” everyone would talk get it, I hate clichés but probably my not the classes or the adjusting, it was about. biggest lesson in school was having getting out of my own way, so I could Here’s the thing, if any of you to know who I was in order to know grow into who I was created to be. know about the enneagram, I am

a type 5 and a thirst for gaining knowledge and wisdom is a part of who I am. I was told to be different in order to be accepted, and I tried to get rid of that part of me. I love to learn, and I love to share what I learn so it took a big part of the joy out of school. I felt like I didn’t belong in the chiropractic profession, even though I loved everything about it. I thought about quitting 3rd quarter, and then 5th quarter, and even this quarter. I wasn’t aware of my strengths and became hyperaware of my weaknesses that were thrust upon me without my consent.

Let me say that again: people will put limitations on you without your consent. Most of the time we will believe something if we are afraid it is true. Even though I got the repeated message to get my nose out of the books and focus on something “more important”, I dove into finding out more about my unhealthy coping mechanisms, my actual weaknesses, my motivation, and my strengths. I learned that my main motivation at the time stemmed from fear. I had a few interpersonal traumas in the years before starting school and I was afraid to connect with people again.

Any of my classmates from the beginning of school (if they noticed that is), would know me as a completely different person. My first few quarters I experienced so much anxiety and depression that I hardly spoke to anyone beyond what was necessary. I was in a perpetual state of my mind being disconnected from my body and if you know about the polyvagal theory, it completely inhibited the neurology that we use to socialize with one another. I was determined to grow and heal without needing people and without having to be vulnerable and develop deeper connections with people, even though that is ultimately what I wanted. Out of all the research I did for several months and about 19 books later, I had my answer. People. Every single book I read on the subject of healing, self-discovery, or growth had the same message: you have to have a safe and supportive community in order to grow. Great. I even read the book that literally had the title How to win friends and influence people. The problem was, I didn’t feel like I had a safe community to support me, to accept my failures, struggles, and weaknesses and to help me discover more of who I was so I could grow.

Which brings me to the Costa Rica retreat. I signed up reluctantly because I had been burned mostly by women in my past, so going on an all-female sounded like a nightmare. I remember being in the final leg of my flight and worrying more about meeting people at the airport than being in a foreign country. That week changed my life. On their promotion posts Dr. Mo and Dr. Mac had said, “give us a week and we’ll change your life”. And they did not disappoint. They were the first and only chiropractors who celebrated me for who I was, but also desired to help me grow, and that changed everything for me. It was a huge turning point in my own self-awareness of what I needed to grow and accept the parts of me that seemed like everyone was trying to get rid of. Growth and healing are rarely linear, so fast forward to today and I am in the midst of a struggle still, and that’s ok.

The main concepts I want you to take away from this is: don’t be afraid to discover yourself more. In fact, I want you to set apart one hour to dive into who you really are: strengths, weaknesses, and that includes separating out things people have told you that may not be true, and what your greatest gifts are. Most of all, learn how to ask questions. Curiosity propelled me on my journey of self-discovery. Whenever I had a certain reaction to a situation that really didn’t serve me or those around me, I’d ask myself, “why?”. Not to judge, just to understand. When we understand ourselves better, we understand others better and expand our capacity to love and serve them. It’s time to start paying attention. §