Dear Kiki

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115 S. Linn Street (by the Public Library), Iowa City Tel: 319-333-1260; Email: chg@criticalhitgames.net www.criticalhitgames.net @criticalhitgamesiowacity Dear Kiki,

I have a really good friend who has been trying for over a year to get pregnant and is really frustrated that it’s taking so long. She confides in me and I offer what emotional support I can without proffering unsolicited advice, and I’m glad she trusts me. She’s sick of people giving her advice and is kind of losing hope. Problem is, I just found out that I’m pregnant after trying for only a month. I was assuming it would take longer and was surprised it happened “first try,” as it were. I’m really nervous to tell her because I don’t want her to feel any bitterness, jealousy or resentment about it. I don’t want this to affect our friendship. Since I’m still early on, I haven’t told anyone except for my boyfriend and a couple really old friends from school. But when the time comes for me to break the news, I’m really afraid of inadvertently hurting her feelings. How should I handle this? —Embarazada

Dear Embarazada,

While it’s valuable and kind that you’re concerned about your friend’s feelings, you may have the more your emotions will be heightened—so don’t wait too long to tell her. Do it soon, take it seriously and don’t make her reactions about you. Let her experience the full range of her feelstumbled upon a no-win scenario here. It seems highly unlikely that, given the circumstances, you’ll remain her confidant once she knows you’re expecting: Not because of anything you’ve done, but simply because watching your belly grow may be too triggering for her. She can’t be expected to feign excitement through her sadness any more than you should be expected to dampen your excitement. KIKI That doesn’t mean you should give up on this relationship. On the contrary, perhaps you can prime some mutual acquaintances to step into the gap that you will be leaving. You seem to have a distinct ability to understand her need for support WANTS QUESTIONS! without advice, and if you can help someone else truly come to that understanding as well, they submit questions anonymously might be able to take your place, so to speak. at littlevillagemag.com/dearkiki Because, Embarazada, when the time comes for or non-anonymously to you to have your child, and if she eventually has dearkiki@littlevillagemag.com. one as well, you’ll learn the wisdom of the axiom Questions may be edited for clarity and that “it takes a village”—having just one person length, and may appear either in print or to rely on, no matter how wonderful they are, will online at littlevillagemag.com. likely be insufficient, and it will serve you both well to have broadened your base of support. Remember, Embarazada, that you can’t control your friend’s feelings. This is frankly a damned good lesson for you to be learning as you prepare to be a first-time parent. You will hurt her feelings, just as you will find that things outside your control cause your child to be unfathomably upset. Steel yourself. It’s not fun, but it’s necessary. All you can do is moniStEEL YOURSELF. tor your intentions and be It’S NOt FUN, BUt there when they’re ready to turn to you. It’S NECESSARY. It sucks to hear, but she ALL YOU CAN DO likely will feel bitterness, IS MONItOR YOUR jealousy and resentment. That’s her burden to bear, INtENtIONS AND and the worst thing you BE tHERE WHEN can do is make her feel tHEY’RE READY worse about it by centering your feelings on the matter. tO tURN tO YOU. Sometimes, life just gets in the way. It’s not a matter of “fault” on the part of either of you, but it’s real and better faced than avoided. Just be honest with her, Embarazada. Honesty and patience are what will salvage this friendship, not caution and attempts at perfection. And remember too, pragmatically, that the further along you get in your pregnancy, ings about this. Attempting to manage her emotions is in the same category as giving her advice: to be avoided. xoxo, Kiki