5 minute read
Helen’s Howlers
Helens Howlers Most of the funnies you see in these pages are sent from friends and colleagues or are freely circulating via the internet. I am constantly on the look out for more material so please send in anything you have or have heard whilst out and about. It doesn’t have to be ‘professional’– your witty observations on life are always welcome. If you’re feeling a bit low - read on... As they say, laughter is the best medicine! Thanks for this issue go to my many facebook friends, LIVErNORTH colleagues and ‘the internet’. 18
WARNING- SOMEJOKESUNSUITABLEFORCHILDREN- YOUHAVEBEENTOLD!
Just got a job at a Chess Factory! (I'm on Knights next week)
Jack who had been very proud of his performance in the bedroom went to the Doctors to complain that it had all gone wrong. ‘Well’ said the Doctor ‘We will start at the beginning I will give you this jar - give a sample and bring it back tomorrow’. Off he went jar in hand returning the next day with an empty jar. ‘What happened?’ asked the Doctor. ‘Got home, tried with my right hand then my left - nothing happened. Called the wife ‘you have to help me’. She tried with her right hand then left - nothing. ‘Right’ she said we will have to ask Nora next door to help. Over came Nora she tried with her right hand then the left - nothing happened; we still could not get the top off the damn jar.
A penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman, ‘has my brother been in today?’ the barman says ‘I don’t know, what does he look like?’
I saw this dwarf climbing down the outside of a prison wall and I thought to myself ‘ that’s a little condescending.
If you notice, 2019 backwards is 9102. If you take away the 0 and the 2 you’ll have 91. It doesn’t mean anything but thanks for reading.
Just been into me local chippy and said “I’ll have a Jumbo sausage” the gadgie said “Won’t be long” aah said “ it bloody better be”...
Anybody know what size Turkey I need to cook for 10 people and possibly two police ofcers?
My wife turned off the TV last night and said ‘let’s talk’. I didn’t even know she no longer worked at Woolies!
This year I won’t be doing the London Marathon because of the
Covid pandemic. Usually, it’s because I’m fat and can’t run.
VERY, VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been red for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his student loan. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and a brilliant vet.
My grandfather told me that when he rst saw the Titanic he told all the people straight away that it would sink, but nobody listened to him. He was a brave man and he warned them again on several occasions, right up until they kicked him out of the cinema.
I said to the doctor ‘I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes’ He said ‘Have you seen an optician?’ I said ‘no, just spots’.
I came out of a shop today and there was a unkempt man sitting on the pavement begging. I took a £20 note out of my wallet then thought ‘I don’t really want to see my £20 spent on drugs and alcohol’ so I Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said, "White" they lectured me on the benets of brown bread for 30 minutes, bloody Hovis witnesses!
"Would you like anything on your chips?" "Does it cost extra?" "Ten pence." "All right, I'll have four sausages and a steak pie.
I’ll never forget my mates last words to me before he died: ‘Are you still holding the ladder?’
‘Here’s a question for the mind readers looking at this’...
The current Mrs V said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with news readers... More on that story later.
Well, I’ve nally managed to get 8 hours sleep. It’s taken me three days but that’s beside the point.
....I’ve just met up with some old mates from the Limbo Dancing Club - we go back a long way.
Just heard today - Greggs are now trying a new initiative in your area. They are doing weekend deliveries - if you pay online they will deliver to you via drone !
Nothing in the English language begins with N and ends with G.
HAVE YOU HAD THE JAB - URGENT NOTICE ! This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group. A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination centre, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, he called the vaccination centre for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalised. He was asked to go back to the vaccination centre immediately as he had left his glasses behind.
My mate just said, "cheer up it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know that he means well.
What a con this Evaporated milk thing is, I opened a can the other day and it’s still full?
A duck goes into a bar and says ‘got any bread?’ The barman says ‘no’. The duck says again ‘got any bread?’ and the barman says ‘no’. The duck again says ‘got any bread?’ This time the barman says ‘Look, I haven’t got any bread and if you ask one more time I’ll nail your beak to the bar’. The duck says ‘got any nails?’ and the barman says ‘no!’ so the duck says ‘got any bread?’
Just bought a book of a thousand rafe tickets from W H Smith for £2.50, absolute bargain, they’re usually a pound a strip.
I dream of the day when I will walk down the aisle and hear those magical words: ‘This is your pilot speaking’
1st sheep ‘What are ewe doing today?’ 2nd sheep ‘Nothing’ 1st sheep ‘Ewe did that yesterday’ 2nd sheep ‘Didn’t nish’
When you teach a wolf to meditate it becomes aware wolf
If you have to wear both mask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation
The girl in the middle of the tennis court is Annette.
Breaking News. Some bloke tried to rob our Co-op last night. One of the staff fought him off with a labelling gun. The police are looking for man with a price on his head.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went
