Helens Howlers
Most of the funnies you see in these pages are sent from friends and colleagues or are freely circulating via the internet. I am constantly on the
look out for more material so please send in anything you have or have heard whilst out and about. It doesn’t have to be ‘professional’ – your witty observations on life are always welcome. If you’re feeling a bit low - read on... As they say, laughter is the best medicine but try not to groan too loudly! Thanks for this issue go to my many facebook friends, LIVErNORTH colleagues & ‘the internet’. WARNING - SOME JOKES UNSUITABLE FOR CHILDREN - YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD!
knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice: “I'm a big believer in barter, old fella; Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer ya got?”
Do you realise that a Shark will only attack you when you are wet. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the ag is a big plus. Sold my Vacuum cleaner today. It was just collecting dust. So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.
I phoned the Council to ask if I could have a Skip outside my house. They said, go for it exercise is good for you. I’m looking for a book on how to x automatic transmissions, but the library only has manuals.
Some bloke just offered me a free gate. I said: “What's the catch?" He said: “It's the bit that allows it to open and close...”
What do you call a Magician that loses his Magic? Ian.
The three unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3. THE BARTER SYSTEM Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store. I placed them on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a dropdead gorgeous blonde was lling up her car at the next pump. Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and LIVErNEWS No. 75
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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I’ve bought a dog, bought a new motorbike, had sex with two different women and spent over £1000 on drugs and alcohol. She’s going to go mental when she gets home from work. I saw a woman crying at the shopping centre where she had just lost £200. I gave her £40 from the £200 I had just found. When God blesses you, you must bless others. To kill a French vampire you have to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but
~ 37 ~ Summer 2021
