Praise for The Courageous Path to Healing “A movingly honest example of what it takes to overcome inner demons ... I would recommend this book as proof of the efficacy of the ancient science of yoga and the power we all hold within.” —Jennie Lee, author of True Yoga, Spark Change, and Breathing Love “Jennifer takes you on her own unique and compelling path of recovery ... She faces each moment, revealing the dark and the light, and the lessons she learned from each, while beautifully weaving together how the path of yoga helped to heal her body, mind, and soul.” —Dr. Ann Saffi Biasetti, PhD, L-CSWR, CEDS, C-IAYT, author of Befriending Your Body “Through a range of touching stories, key lessons, and useful tools, The Courageous Path to Healing helps you connect and transform ... Kreatsoulas is your wise companion on a journey of insight and recovery.” —Erin Byron, author of Yoga for the Creative Soul “From facing your fears to accepting help from others to listening to your own body, mind, and heart—all infused with yoga philosophy—Jennifer Kreatsoulas provides a container in which your own authentic, expansive, and lasting recovery can emerge.” —Jenna Hollenstein, MS, RDN, author of Eat to Love “Each beautifully written chapter, wise in its narrative and practices, guides the reader from story to skill seamlessly ... a must read.” —Maria Sorbara Mora, MS, CEDRD-S, CDN, C-IAYT, author of Incorporating Science, Body, and Yoga in Nutrition-Based Eating Disorder Treatment and Recovery
“An incredible resource for anyone suffering from an eating disorder with truly powerful self-help mindfulness and yoga-inspired exercises to guide you in your journey through your recovery.” —Kate Hudson-Hall, Dip.AdvHYP (N-SHAP), author of Bulimia Sucks! “Her message is easy to follow and flows with her graceful writing style. The depth and clarity will lead to personal growth as you benefit from breakthrough exercises Jennifer interweaves with her personal story.” —Robert Butera, PhD, author of The Yoga Life and Pure Heart of Yoga “Jennifer has written an honest, brave, necessary, and, most of all, useful book that anyone seeking to understand eating disorders and how they can best be treated should read.” —David Holzer, author and founder of YogaWriters “The Courageous Path to Healing offers Kreatsoulas’ personal journey as a gift of healing, support, and a resource for others. Her invaluable experience and expertise is beautifully woven into the narrative and practices that are inviting, engaging, and deeply moving.” —Melanie C. Klein, MA, cofounder of the Yoga & Body Image Coalition and coeditor of Yoga & Body Image “Jennifer is an authentic voice for trauma-informed yoga. Her inspirational book demonstrates how to learn from life experiences and transform challenges into healing.” —Mary Higgs, MA, RYT, OYI, author, speaker, and founder/owner of Yogi Able
“Jennifer’s non-judgmental, non-gimmicky, heartfelt book can serve as a powerful healing tool no matter what readers may be dealing with on their life journeys.” —Dorian Christian Baucum, yoga teacher and contributor to Embodied Resilience Through Yoga “This book is a must read! Jennifer’s wisdom, vulnerability, and compassion flow throughout, from the first page to the last.” —Karin Lewis, MA, LMFT, CEDS, host of the Recovery Bites podcast “Jennifer’s determination and insight surrounding the healing process is an incredible foray, dismantling the negative impact and stigmas so many with eating disorders face on a daily basis.” —Brian Pollack, LCSW, CEDS-S, founder and clinical director of Hilltop Behavioral Health “Jennifer Kreatsoulas boldly shares her story with us, depicting every tender and taxing moment along the way. By incorporating the practice of yoga and offering reflective prompts throughout, Jennifer will help you harness the same inherent wisdom that guides her in eating disorder recovery.” —Dr. Samantha DeCaro, PsyD, clinical psychologist and director of Clinical Outreach and Education at the Renfrew Center “Kreatsoulas’ voice is true, clear, authentic, and insightful ... Her story offers relatability, hope, and healing, and the reminder of relational resilience to adult women seeking recovery.” —Karen Samuels, PhD, CEDS, founder of COPE: Community Outreach to Prevent Eating Disorders
“Raw. Inviting. Inspiring ... The Courageous Path to Healing is a brilliant gift to not just those in eating disorder recovery, but also those on any healing journey. Jennifer illuminates so much personal wisdom and strength; you’re going to be eager for each and every page of hope and inspiration.” —Tara Whitney, author of Hungry: Trust Your Body and Free Your Mind Around Food “A guidebook for moving beyond pain into purpose, connecting with your inner light, and becoming the most whole version of yourself you can be.” —Daralyse Lyons, award-winning author and creator of the Demystifying Diversity podcast “This book is a healing balm for the recovering soul, offering practical guidance for anyone walking the daily path of wellness. Jennifer is an insightful writer who weaves a skillful balance of experiential practices and self-check-ins for the reader with inspired personal stories.” —Kristen Butera, ERYT 500, C-IAYT, author of Yoga Therapy “Dr. Kreatsoulas guides us with intention, mindfulness, empathy, and power to begin the process of healing ... She shares with vulnerability and grace the path to her healing as a guide for a connection to our own healing. This book is thoughtful, enjoyable, mindful, and powerful.” —Dianne Bondy, bestselling author of Yoga for Everyone and Yoga Where You Are
“Full of insight, hope, and shame-reducing strategies for anyone looking for support and understanding throughout the recovery process. Jennifer’s voice emulates hope, strength, and compassion.” —Shari Botwin, LCSW, author of Thriving After Trauma “Jennifer's book takes readers on a vulnerable, heartfelt journey. She combines her personal eating disorder recovery experience with her embodied wisdom as a yoga therapist to provide a practical guide to help readers journey inward and foster a sense of self-compassion. The practices in the book will be valuable tools to those in recovery, and I highly recommend it to any clinicians working in the eating disorder field, as well as anyone in recovery.” Amy Gardner, MS, CEDRD, RYT, Author of iMove: Helping Your Clients Heal from Compulsive Exercise
About the Author Jennifer Kreatsoulas, PhD, is a certified yoga therapist specializing in eating disorders and body image. She is a sought-after international speaker and former host of Real Body Talk, an online interview talk show. Through her virtual school, Yoga for Eating Disorders, Jennifer offers individual yoga therapy, groups, classes, and continuing education and mentoring for professionals. She is the author of Body Mindful Yoga, and her writing has been featured widely in print, broadcast, and online media. Learn more at www .yoga4eatingdisorders.com.
Llewellyn Publications | Woodbury, Minnesota
The Courageous Path to Healing: When Commitment to Yourself & Your Recovery Becomes Your Greatest Teacher © 2022 by Jennifer Kreatsoulas. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever, including internet usage, without written permission from Llewellyn Publications, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. First Edition First Printing, 2022 Book design by Christine Ha Cover design by Shira Atakpu Llewellyn Publications is a registered trademark of Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Kreatsoulas, Jennifer, author. Title: The courageous path to healing : when commitment to yourself & your recovery becomes your greatest teacher / Jennifer Kreatsoulas ; foreword by Kristie Amadio. Description: First edition. | Woodbury, Minnesota : Llewellyn Worldwide, Ltd, 2022. | Includes bibliographical references. | Summary: “Written to demonstrate what’s possible on the other side of suffering, this book inspires you to keep fighting for the full life you want and deserve” —Provided by publisher. Identifiers: LCCN 2021054963 (print) | LCCN 2021054964 (ebook) | ISBN 9780738767468 | ISBN 9780738767499 (ebook) Subjects: LCSH: Eating disorders—Alternative treatment. | Yoga—Therapeutic use. | Health. Classification: LCC RC552.E18 K74 2022 (print) | LCC RC552.E18 (ebook) | DDC 616.85/26—dc23/eng/20211206 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021054963 LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021054964 Llewellyn Publications A Division of Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd. 2143 Wooddale Drive Woodbury, MN 55125-2989 www.llewellyn.com Printed in the United States of America
Other Books by Jennifer Kreatsoulas Body Mindful Yoga
Featured In Embodied Resilience through Yoga Redefining Wellness
For my family, whose love inspires me every day.
Contents Practices xv Disclaimer xvii Foreword
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Introduction 1 Part 1 Discovery: Starting the Healing Journey Chapter 1: Recognize the Pain in Perfectionism
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Chapter 2: Own Your Truth 17 Chapter 3: Rediscover How to Listen to Your Body
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Chapter 4: Name What Keeps You Questioning Your Worth 35 Chapter 5: Overcome Denial and Accept Support Chapter 6: Face Something You Fear
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Chapter 7: Trust Your Intuition and Be Your Own Advocate Chapter 8: Claim What You Need
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Part 2 Awakening: Commit to the Challenge of Healing Chapter 9: Realize You Are More than Your Body
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Chapter 10: Give Yourself Permission to Take Up Space 89 Chapter 11: Identify Old Triggers with Compassion 97 Chapter 12: Broaden Your Gaze to See Your Whole Self 105 Chapter 13: Find Everyday Role Models in Your Life
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Chapter 14: Expand Your Definition of Healthy 119 Chapter 15: Speak Up and Defend Yourself
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Chapter 16: See Your Demons as Unexpected Teachers 133
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Part 3 Embracing: Living the Lessons You’ve Learned on Your Journey Chapter 17: Practice Acceptance
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Chapter 18: Grieve Your Former Self
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Chapter 19: Connect to Inner Peace
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Chapter 20: Shift Your Perspective Chapter 21: Focus on Sincere Effort
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Chapter 22: Tune In to the Present Moment
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Chapter 23: Apply the Lessons of Your Healing to Life’sTransitions 183 Chapter 24: Embrace Your Journey
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Conclusion 199 Acknowledgments
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Appendix: Mental Health Resources 207 Bibliography
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Practices Hold It Lightly 15 Come Back to Your Senses 24 Listen with Kindness 31 Reflect on Your Recovery Values 40 Accept Support 52 Let Your Body Speak 62 Bridge the Gap Between “Should” and Intuition 71 Create Visual Anchors 77 Attend to Your Whole Self 86 Examine Your Beliefs 94 Turn toward Preferences 102 Open Your Eyes to the Truth of Your Belonging 109 Acknowledge You Are Doing Your Best 116 Inhale and Exhale Affirmations 125 Throat Chakra TLC 130 Take Inventory of Your Language 139 Hold Space for Contentment 147 Claim Your Emotion 154 Take Your Seat 160 Set Your Intention 169 Experience versus Outcome 175 Be Here Now 180 Welcome the Person You Are Becoming 188 Thank Your Younger Self 196 xvii
Disclaimer Eating disorders are serious but treatable mental illnesses caused by a range of biological, psychological, and sociocultural factors. There are many treatment options, including healthcare professionals and support groups. All mental illnesses are serious and deserve care and attention. The material in this book is not intended as a substitute for trained medical or psychological advice. Readers are advised to consult their personal healthcare professionals regarding treatment. The publisher and the author assume no liability for any injuries caused to the reader that may result from the reader’s use of the content contained herein. Use caution when contemplating the practices described in this work.
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Foreword
The first person I ever met who was recovered from an eating disorder left an indelible impression on me. At the time, I was deeply entrenched in my own eating disorder and was, at that very moment, overcome with the paralysing feelings resulting from having eaten lunch. Perched angrily on a chair in residential treatment, the terror within my mind was hurled at the woman sitting across from me. I do not remember what she said. I do remember how I felt. Safe. Her essence was like a refuge from the chaos within my mind. She was not scared of my eating disorder nor the wild emotions it contained. No matter where my eating disorder tried to dodge, she would calmly redirect my attention to the real issue at hand. I was immediately captivated by this human who simultaneously saw through me and all of me, without judgment. Jennifer Kreatsoulas will leave such an impression on you. She embodies all the qualities of a recovered woman who has looked her challenges in the eye and said, “I’m ready.” Within half a minute of meeting Jennifer via Zoom in late 2019, I knew two things: firstly, that she had unequivocally earned her stripes. Secondly, we were going to do big things together. Jennifer and I have partnered on several projects. She contributed to my “Recovered Voices” video series with Recovered Living, xxi
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while I appeared on her TV show Real Body Talk. It gives me the utmost pleasure to introduce you to her latest contribution, The Courageous Path to Healing: When Commitment to Yourself & Your Recovery Becomes Your Greatest Teacher. Thankfully, memoirs and self-help books detailing eating disorder recovery are becoming more and more common. The Courageous Path to Healing, however, sits in a space of its own. By uniquely weaving personal vignettes with yoga-inspired practices and critical reflection throughout the pages, this book takes poignant moments in Jennifer’s recovery and walks you, the reader, through her turning points of change. Each chapter’s conclusion gently invites you to lean into self-reflection, nudging you ever closer toward recognizing the inner wisdom and courage that you encounter each day as you ebb and flow on your healing journey. By addressing eating disorders in both motherhood and marriage, Jennifer sheds light on an area often shrouded in secrecy and shame. She opens the door for countless others to know they are not alone, damaged, or broken. Hers is a tale of inspiration and hope that provides tools to help you stand atop your own mountain and embrace the life-changing lessons you have learned on your healing journey. If you never have the privilege of meeting Jennifer in person, I am confident you will know her through her essence contained in every chapter. Having The Courageous Path to Healing on your bookshelf is a constant reminder that with fullness comes freedom. —Kristie Amadio Founder of Recovered Living & Recovered Living NZ, TEDx Speaker September 2020 Dunedin, New Zealand
Introduction
When I was thirty-eight years old, married and with two daughters under the age of three, I went to residential treatment for an eating disorder. I was originally diagnosed with anorexia nervosa in college, and to be severely struggling again in my late thirties, as a mother, wife, and professional, was heartbreaking for me and my family. I hated the thought of letting down my children and worried that my illness would damage them. Yet I understood that treatment was the best choice, for their sake and mine. I needed to immerse myself in getting healthy, and I needed to learn how to cope with the stress and overwhelm of life without the eating disorder. When I returned home one month later, my intention was to commit to the journey ahead. Remembering what I went through earlier in my life, I was fully aware of the serious, ongoing dedication it would take to heal once again. I knew the journey would be a messy ride of ups and downs, and I’d have to overcome fears that I would much rather avoid. Remaining committed when the path felt uncertain or chaotic was the challenge of my life. It would reveal the wisdom of my inner teacher, the resolve of my courage, and, ultimately, my purpose to serve others as a yoga therapist. In recovery circles, there is a common image of the rock‑bottom moment. But in my experience, life presents a deluge of moments 1
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Introduction
from bottom to top and everything in between. I am sure you, too, have been through your own dark nights. I am confident, dear reader, that some of your life’s challenges will prove to be gifts in disguise on the path of personal growth, leading you to realize the expanse of the courage you possess. And I am here to help you stay committed to your own path to healing. How do we stay committed to healing? I believe it begins by being willing to reframe our pain from the thing that breaks us into the thing that teaches us. Defining ourselves by our pain creates more pain. Our identity becomes the diagnosis: “I have an eating disorder.” “I have an anxiety disorder.” “I am clinically depressed.” Or maybe the pain is self-doubt, or fear, or low self-esteem. Or it is feeling less than your colleagues or that your body is not good enough. Yes, healing these pains is a hard, difficult journey, and it takes time. But if you commit to making healing a long-term priority that you respect, rather than seeing it as a short-term fix to appease others, you will have a breakthrough. I bought into the “short-term fix” mindset more than once on my journey, and it always led to a dead end. Once I gave myself permission to look beyond the imaginary deadline of when I would be “better,” then and only then was I free to do the work of healing. Only then were my eyes open to the courage inside of me, which allowed me to remain on my path to healing. To me, courage means showing up for myself. It means staying committed when I want out. Courage is beginning again rather than giving up. It is prioritizing my mental health and having compassion for myself in difficult moments. Courage is setting boundaries; choosing to care for my body, mind, and spirit; and using my tools to challenge self-doubt and fear. Courage is staying with what’s hard because I am worth it. Courage is commitment. If you are holding The Courageous Path to Healing, you may be someone like me, on a healing journey from a mental illness, or
Introduction 3
perhaps you are a worried parent, a concerned friend, a teacher or guidance counselor, or a coach or mental health professional. Or maybe you are facing another one of life’s many challenges of the heart and mind or confronting physical illness. This book is a collection of pivotal moments from my own healing journey and the lessons I learned along the way about relationships, motherhood, self-acceptance, self-compassion, and caring for my mind and body. Much of what I share is influenced by the practices and teachings of yoga, which I have been studying for two decades. Initially, I came to yoga for exercise, but I stayed because I found a new way to connect with my body that both intrigued and energized me in positive ways. Eating disorders thrive on disconnection with self and others, whereas yoga promotes the opposite experience. In uniting with my movement and breathing, I gradually replaced old habits with new ones. From there, I learned about yoga philosophy, which related as much or more to my recovery journey than the physical practice. Today, with over two decades of lived experience and professional work in the fields of eating disorder recovery and yoga, I am passionate about advocating for physical, emotional, and spiritual healing because I know it is a commitment that will change your life. I know this because it changed mine.
The Work and the Wisdom This book will offer you insights and inspiration for how to be courageous in the face of challenge. It is divided into three parts: Discovery, Awakening, and Embracing. Each chapter begins with a narrative about a pivotal moment from my story. Next, I reflect on what this experience taught me and offer wisdom for you to take into your own life. I weave in real-life examples of living yoga in recovery and offer reflection prompts and guided practices to bring your
4
Introduction
own experiences to life. The yogic concepts and practices shared in this book endow you with tools to be courageous in hard times. You can add these practices to your personal toolbox, and I encourage you to try the ones that speak to you and leave the rest. Perhaps you will find yourself returning to some practices more than others, or it could shift over time. Your journey is not stagnant, and neither are the tools available to you. Through the self-reflection prompts at the end of each chapter, I invite you to discover what similar situations or themes from your life have taught you about your own courageous path to healing. The first part, Discovery: Starting the Healing Journey, shares narratives from two distinct points in my recovery: when the eating disorder first began and when it resurfaced again in my late thirties. Each chapter reveals a new discovery about why I developed an eating disorder at these times in my life and what steps I needed to take, even as I often resisted them. If there are pieces that seem dark or heavy, it is because they were. And in revealing my struggles along with my successes, I hope to elevate the conversation about mental health by telling the truth about the realities of how much courage it takes to commit to a path to healing. The practices and self-reflection prompts at the end of each chapter invite you to discover what wisdom you can glean from similar situations on your own healing path. The second part, Awakening: Commit to the Challenge of Healing, focuses on the first two years after the relapse and how I grappled with the incongruences showing up within myself as I navigated the recovery process, like being a nurturing mother one moment and brutally unkind to myself the next. When we are becoming someone we haven’t been yet, wading through the thick swamp of discrepancies between who we were and who we are becoming turns out to be half the work. I share how I learned about the power of everyday
Introduction 5
role models and self-compassion from these awakening experiences, as well as how to be gentle with myself and why acceptance matters. The practices and self-reflection prompts at the end of each chapter invite you to pause and acknowledge what your own wake-up calls have taught you about all that you are capable of, because of—and in spite of—the challenges you have faced. The final part, Embracing: Living the Lessons You’ve Learned on Your Journey, includes what it is like living my recovery and interactions with myself, my children, family members, and others. These moments capture the power of choice. When we choose to accept ourselves, we make decisions that guide us forward on the healing journey, even in challenging moments. From these experiences I learned about embracing self-acceptance, grace, and contentment; being responsible for my emotions; honoring hormonal shifts; and the beauty of celebrating my journey. The practices and selfreflection prompts at the end of each chapter invite you to explore opportunities to embrace yourself with compassion on your own journey and to celebrate the progress you make each and every day. As you read The Courageous Path to Healing, I invite you to dedicate a special notebook where you can answer the reflection prompts in the “Check In with Yourself ” section at the end of each chapter and explore the lessons you are learning on your healing journey. By learning about the wisdom that your journey holds, you will understand how to elevate your experience from one of suffering to one of personal agency. You will also begin to acknowledge all the ways you are courageous every day on your own path to healing. Finally, you will find a resources section at the end of this book, including online information about eating disorders and mental health. My hope is that these free resources can be starting points for you to find support for your healing journey or can complement your current treatment or self-care plan.
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Introduction
One of the reminders I tell my clients and students is “You are not alone.” Guilt and shame try to tell us that we are the only ones dealing with our particular challenges, but the struggle is human. And you do not have to hide it. As you stay committed to the path of healing, you will forge deeper connections with yourself and trusted friends, some of whom you have not even met yet. I hope to be one of those people. And I hope to let you know through these pages that we are in this healing work together.
Part 1
Discovery
Starting the Healing Journey
Chapter 1
Recognize the Pain in Perfectionism
O
ne of my fondest memories from freshman year of college is rowing practice on the Lehigh River. At five o’clock in the morning, the team would meet on the parking deck that overlooked Lafayette College’s athletic fields and a long stretch of treetops. Still rubbing our eyes, my teammates and I set out for a three-mile run from campus to the boathouse, weaving our way from up high on College Hill down to the streets of Easton, Pennsylvania, and out to the river. Lampposts lit the way, guiding us from the parking deck past dorms of sleeping college kids and a motionless student center to the gates of Lafayette. After that, we navigated through darkness, except for the occasional headlights that floated by. In the intense quiet of the dark mornings, I noticed subtle sounds. A maple leaf landing on the pavement. A light trickle dripping off a gutter. A flag gently rippling in the wind. My favorite sound, however, was the steady strike of my feet on the pavement. Right, left. Right, left. Each strike was like a heartbeat, a steady and dependable rhythm on which I focused my mind to get me from mile two to three. In the distance, I heard my teammates’ feet striking the pavement, some before me, some behind.
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After we finished our run, we marched our boats to the dock in teams of eight and set off for a warm-up on the moonlit river. To start, we did a slow paddle to wake up the arms and legs, then a swift glide as all eight of us pushed through our legs and pulled the oars with our arms in synchrony with each other. I loved how the water came alive as the oars swept through it. We powered through drills as the sun came up, pushing and pulling to our maximum potential, accelerating down the Lehigh River and then back up again. We created a magical rhythm, this harmonious momentum of bodies, boats, and water. But sophomore year, practice transformed from a joy to a burden. What was once a euphoric kind of exertion turned angsty. We had a new coach. I could tell by the tone of his forearms that he was a rower, a serious one. He was tasked with elevating our average team to be more competitive, like “real” rowers. Practice was more strict, the mood more tense. One crisp fall afternoon, we pushed hard through a series of power-ten drills, propelling the boat through the water as rapidly as we could. Afterward, my heart beat fast and hard. In sync with my teammates, I slowed the rhythm of my legs and arms to recover from the workout. I heard the coach’s voice boom through his large, white megaphone, “I can tell how hard you work by how much your body changes.” I looked over at the dock, and there he stood, framed by the red boathouse and fence of trees. I believed he was talking specifically to me. I stared out at the water, ashamed that the coach would think I was not working hard enough. I must change, work harder, prove myself. I sat up straighter, like a child told to stop slouching. I pushed through my feet, slammed down my legs, and pulled the oar as hard as I could. Water sprayed up my arms. This is how I will do it from now on.
Recognize the Pain in Perfectionism 11
That day, I made the decision that changed my life: I’d prove my work ethic through my body by shrinking it. For the first few months, I calculated columns of calories in a notebook—those eaten, those not yet eaten, and those burned off at the gym two or three times a day. Then, this orderly ritual turned chaotic in tandem with my growing paranoia of eating too much. I added and subtracted anywhere I could: on random scraps of paper, in the margins of notebooks and novels, on sticky notes and the back of receipts, and on napkins and tissues. When I had nothing to write on, I used my arm. With pleasure, I observed how as I ate less, the totals decreased, and my body steadily became smaller. Validation from friends and rowing mates fed the fire. The validation sounded like “Wow, you lost so much weight!” or “You look amazing!” or “Oh, I wish I had your willpower.” The initial months of restricting food were a total high. I felt energized and powerful, believing that I had a superpower, an extraordinary willpower that made me special. I did not need food to live like my classmates, friends, family, and the entire human race. Instead of eating, I craved the sensation of hunger itself. It was a test of self-control and of my work ethic. If I could change my body, then the whole world would find out that I was a hard worker. But after those first six to eight months, the energy flowing through my veins drained out of me. I became progressively more fatigued and pale. Walking across campus became a challenge because I felt so weak. Sometimes I was unsure if I could make the ten-minute walk from my dorm to the library or to English class. Rowing and the training that went along with it also became difficult. I lost strength and stamina from starving myself and exercising several times a day. As for my classes, my ability to concentrate diminished. Words became fuzzy, and sometimes they even seemed to jump or slide on the page, making reading a chore—which, as an
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English major, was a problem. But I pushed through any doubts, told myself to keep working hard no matter what, and went on with an empty stomach and a famished brain. My reward for completing the day’s work was a banana.
Wisdom: Your Thoughts Are Not Your Reality When I reflect on that moment at crew practice, I wonder if maybe the coach’s message was about gaining muscle or increasing levels of fitness. Or maybe he was simply trying to motivate us to work a little harder, to be more like him. Sometimes, I genuinely wonder if anyone on the team but me even remembers his choice of words. Maybe you are or were an athlete or dancer who has a story like mine. Or maybe you have a memory of a parent, teacher, peer, or stranger telling stories that now live inside of you and play on repeat, influencing how you see yourself. The longer this tape plays, the more bitter the blame and anger becomes for the person who shared their unfortunate word choice. I remember blaming my crew coach for my diagnosis a year later. The psychologist at Lafayette College, a gentlehearted woman I often referred to as my guardian angel, diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa, an eating disorder characterized by weight loss, food restriction, and—in many patients—distorted body image and compulsive exercise or other forms of “undoing” eating, like vomiting or abusing laxatives.1 As I’ll share in chapter 2, leaving college to go to treatment began my healing journey, and the truth I uncovered in therapy at the hospital was that my coach’s words were not the true problem. Instead, the issues were my perfectionism and people-pleasing tendencies, which triggered such an extreme response.
1. “Anorexia Nervosa.”
Recognize the Pain in Perfectionism 13
The author Anne Lamott defines perfectionism as “the voice of the oppressor.”2 Although I did not initially recognize that perfectionist voice inside of me as oppressive, the lengths I was willing to go to be so-called perfect proved just how much it dominated me. I strongly advise coaches not to make statements that correlate body shape and size with performance and success, as these comments risk negatively impacting an athlete’s self-esteem, self-worth, and body image. They can also feed into perfectionist thinking, which, as I learned from my own experience, is detrimental to mental health. The incident at crew practice happened a good five years before I began practicing yoga and nearly two decades before I became a yoga therapist, which is when I studied yoga philosophy. However, when I look back on this time in my life through the lens of yoga, I see how my attachment to needing to be perfect created my pain. Because I hung my self-worth on how I was perceived by others, I automatically believed the coach did not approve of me and convinced myself I was not good enough. According to yoga philosophy, attachment, or raga, happens when we believe our identity is dependent on something outside of ourselves, such as our body, job, spouse, children, workout regimen, food intake, jean size, material possessions, ideals (like perfectionism), or whatever else we believe we must be or have. We believe this is what completes us, but what happens when it all goes away? Who are we then? The truth is, we are none of those things, and we never were. Because we live in a world that values perfection, many of us walk around attached to the belief that we are still not good enough. And so we push ourselves harder to prove we are somehow 2. Lamott, Bird by Bird, 27.
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improving, or we isolate because the fear of failure is paralyzing. We contort our bodies and sacrifice our needs for that passing look of approval from a parent, teacher, partner, or colleague. Sometimes we make excuses to avoid situations or events that we would otherwise enjoy if we did not feel pressure to be perceived as perfect. Thankfully, the teachings of yoga can free us from our pain by demonstrating how to let go of our attachment to perfectionism. For me, this took many years of ebbing and flowing, noticing when I was striving to be perfect and gaining awareness about how doing so affected my mood, thoughts, and behaviors—all of which would inevitably culminate in my urge to restrict or overexercise. From the awareness of how striving for perfection was hurting me, I could discern that being attached to an ideal was not a value that aligned with my recovery. Rather than clinging to my perfectionism for dear life, it was time to learn how to “hold it lightly.” For example, I’m someone who loves routines. Structure is my happy place. I feel most productive when my daily life is running on schedule like clockwork. In truth, thriving on productivity can sometimes tap into my old attachment to perfectionism, creating the illusion that I am invincible and should always be performing at a high level. But what happens when my routine is thrown off due to vacation or the holidays or unforeseeable circumstances? For many years, interruptions like these would drive up my anxiety. All I could think about was how badly I needed my routine to feel worthy and how much was not getting done. I was so attached to my schedule that when it was not there, it threw me into a tailspin. I held on tightly, like I was wringing out a wet towel—gripping and squeezing with all my force. But as I studied yoga philosophy and learned about how attachments create suffering, I began to incorporate days off from my routine by reminding myself that I am not my schedule and that I deserve downtime. I had to learn to hold my routine lightly.
Recognize the Pain in Perfectionism 15
I invite you to follow along with the practice below to experience what I mean when I talk about holding it lightly. Try this exercise to help you let go of the attachments that create suffering in your life. If you find yourself thinking, I’m not good enough, please make time to do this practice every day.
Practice: Hold It Lightly 1. Take a moment to consider at least one thought, ideal, or rule that you are attached to. Perhaps, like me, your attachment is related to perfection. Or maybe it is connected to specifics about your appearance or other external factors. 2. Name the thing you are attached to by saying it. You can say it quietly to yourself, speak it out loud, or write it down. Then take a few gentle breaths. 3. Cup your palms in front of you and connect the pinkie sides of your hands. 4. Imagine placing the thing you named ever so gently into your palms and take a few more gentle breaths. 5. Make fists as if gripping or clenching the thing you named. Notice how gripping creates tension in your hands, wrists, arms, shoulders, back, neck, and probably even your face. Notice how your breath changes when you’re in grip mode. 6. Softly open your palms again and take a few gentle breaths. Allow your shoulders to soften, as well as your face and any other areas of your body that feel rigid or tense.
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7. Now visualize the thing you named in your palms and explore what it feels like to hold it lightly instead of tightly. With your palms open, you now have the power to look at it from many angles. You can see it from the sides, for example, which you could not do when clenching. 8. Holding it lightly, what do you notice that you were unable to see when you were gripping? What wisdom do you glean when you can see the attachment for what it is? Does it support your mental health or deter it? 9. Take a few gentle breaths as you sense what it feels like to hold your attachment lightly instead of gripping and clenching onto it. What is something kind you wish to say to yourself from this lighter place? Perhaps write down what comes up (or save a note on your phone) so that you can return to this message often. 10. Return to this exercise to practice letting go of an attachment and to find a lighter, wiser way of being.
Check In with Yourself • What attachments are causing you pain or negatively impacting your mental health? • Pick one of the attachments you identified. How much freer would you be in your everyday life if you could hold it lightly? • In this chapter, I shared that I’m inspired by Anne Lamott. What inspiration can you find in phrases or quotes that can be used to coach yourself into holding an attachment lightly?
Body, Mind & Spirit / Healing
“Full of insight, hope, and shame-reducing strategies for anyone looking for support and understanding throughout the recovery process. Jennifer's voice emulates hope, strength, and compassion.” —Shari Botwin, LCSW, author of Thriving After Trauma
Join Jennifer Kreatsoulas, PhD, on her mindful, yoga-filled road to recovery and use powerful reflection exercises to support your own courageous healing journey. Providing stories of poignant moments from her struggle with an eating disorder, Jennifer transforms her experiences into thematic lessons that you can use to overcome challenges in your life. The Courageous Path to Healing helps you explore opportunities to show up for yourself and celebrate the progress you make every day. Each chapter highlights an important step in Jennifer’s journey and includes yoga-inspired practices, journaling prompts, and deep, empowering wisdom. Written to demonstrate what’s possible on the other side of suffering, this book encourages you to commit to creating the full life you want and deserve.
includes a foreword by kristie amadio, tedx speaker and founder of recovered living jennifer kreatsoulas, phd,
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is a certified yoga therapist specializing in eating disorders and body image as well as a sought-after international speaker. Through her virtual school, Yoga for Eating Disorders, Jennifer offers individual yoga therapy, groups, classes, and continuing education and mentoring for professionals. She is the author of Body Mindful Yoga, and her writing has been featured widely in print, broadcast, and online media. Learn more at www.yoga4eatingdisorders.com.
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