PRAISE FOR THE BURNOUT ANTIDOTE “In an era of unprecedented levels of burnout, anxiety, and loneliness, Anne’s book is a lifeline to those who over give in the service of others. Grounded in embodied spirituality, she guides her readers through a transformational process to access limitless wisdom and energy. You can increase your impact in the world and your capacity for service without draining yourself or losing your health and happiness.” —Deepak Chopra, MD, bestselling author of Total Meditation “In this refreshing, life-changing, authentic guide, Bérubé unlocks the barriers that will help you navigate your sensitive empathic abilities as it supports you to balance your emotions and set healthy boundaries. The tools and exercises will empower you as you reclaim your unique gifts and understand your abilities to your advantage to live your best life. A must read.” —Anita Moorjani, New York Times bestselling author “Anne Bérubé is a wise, evolved teacher, delivering a critical message. This book has arrived at the perfect time for humanity.” —Bronnie Ware, author of Top Five Regrets of the Dying
the
BURN OUT ANTI DOTE
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Anne Bérubé, PhD, (Nova Scotia, Canada) is a spiritual teacher with an uncommon ability to share her story and insights in a way that awakens the inner wisdom in others. She helps people free themselves from the societal and parental conditioning that is holding them back from realizing the highest calling of their soul. Her work has also allowed her to share the stage with renowned self-help luminaries, including bestselling authors Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Elizabeth Gilbert, Sir Ken Robinson, Julie Daniluk, Anita Moorjani, Gabrielle Bernstein, Neal Donald Walsh, Dr. William Davis MD, and Gregg Braden. Learn more at www.AnneBerube.com.
LLEWELLYN PUBLICATIONS Woodbury, Minnesota
The Burnout Antidote: A Spiritual Guide to Empowerment for Empaths, Over-Givers, and Highly Sensitive People © 2022 by Anne Bérubé. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever, including internet usage, without written permission from Llewellyn Publications, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. First Edition First Printing, 2022 Book design by Colleen McLaren Cover design by Shannon McKuhen Figure on page 128 by Mary Ann Zapalac Llewellyn Publications is a registered trademark of Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Bérubé, Anne, author. Title: The burnout antidote : a spiritual guide to empowerment for empaths, over-givers, and highly sensitive people / Anne Bérubé. Description: First edition. | Woodbury, Minnesota : Llewellyn Publications, [2022] | Includes bibliographical references. Identifiers: LCCN 2021970020 (print) | LCCN 2021058723 (ebook) | ISBN 9780738769738 (paperback) | ISBN 9780738769912 (ebook) Subjects: LCSH: Burn out (Psychology) | Burn out (Psychology)—Religious aspects. | Caregivers. | Empathy. Classification: LCC BF575.S75 B47 2022 (print) | LCC BF575.S75 (ebook) | DDC 158.7/23—dc23/eng/20220103 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021970020 LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021970102 Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd. does not participate in, endorse, or have any authority or responsibility concerning private business transactions between our authors and the public. All mail addressed to the author is forwarded but the publisher cannot, unless specifically instructed by the author, give out an address or phone number. Any internet references contained in this work are current at publication time, but the publisher cannot guarantee that a specific location will continue to be maintained. Please refer to the publisher’s website for links to authors’ websites and other sources. Llewellyn Publications A Division of Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd. 2143 Wooddale Drive Woodbury, MN 55125-2989 www.llewellyn.com Printed in the United States of America
DISCLAIMER The exercises and advice in this book are not intended to replace the care of licensed medical or mental health professionals. Please consult a doctor if you are experiencing a mental, emotional, or physical crisis.
S CONTENTS
List of Exercises. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xi Introduction
Burning Out. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 Chapter 1
Redefining Burnout, Service, and Empathy. . . . . . . . . . . 13 Chapter 2
Step One: Embodiment and Core Essence . . . . . . . . . . . 27 Chapter 3
Step Two: Guilt and the Inner Child’s Fear of Losing Love. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 Chapter 4
Step Three: Who Were You Before You Were Needed?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89 Chapter 5
Step Four: Find the Great Mother and Father Within . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121 Chapter 6
Step Five: Reclaim Your High Sensitivity and Set Boundaries . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 149 Chapter 7
Step Six: Realize the Power of Your Core Essence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 179 Chapter 8
Step Seven: Embodied Leadership and Your Emergent Future. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 211 Conclusion: Beyond Burnout . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 237 Acknowledgments. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 241 Bibliography. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 243
S EXERCISES
Daily Check-in Practice. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23 Burnout Antidotes Step One: Retreat, You’re More Tired Than You Think
Antidote #1 Ha Breath as Retreat. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47 Antidote #2 Somatic Experience as Retreat. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50 Antidote #3 Physical Retreats. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52
Burnout Antidotes Step Two: Strengthen Your Resolve
Antidote #4 Inner Body Awareness Visualization . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80 Antidote #5 Back in Time. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83 Antidote #6 I See You. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86
Burnout Antidotes Step Three: Your Inner Child
Antidote #7 Face the Wound. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113 Antidote #8 Move the Wound . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115 Antidote #9 Meet the Child. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 117
Burnout Antidotes Step Four: Decoding and Releasing Energy
Antidote #10 The Wisdom of the Elements in the Body. . . . . . . . . . . . . 141 Antidote #11 Giving Voice. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 144 Antidote #12 Core Breath Expansion. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 146
Burnout Antidotes Step Five: Meet Your Core Essence
Antidote #13: Activate the Heart. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 172 Antidote #14 Core Essence Remembering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 174 Antidote #15 Core Star. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 175
Burnout Antidotes Step Six: Stand in Your Fire
Antidote #16 Healing Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 198 Antidote #17 Retrieving the Fire of Your Core. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 203 Antidote #18 Sounds as Realization. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 206
Burnout Antidotes Step Seven: Increase Your Impact
Antidote #19 Calling on Your Allies. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 227 Antidote #20 Future Pacing. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 231 Antidote #21 Soul-Realization Mantra. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 234
xi
S Introduction
Burning Out
This book is for anyone who over-gives and depletes themselves in the process of serving their families, clients, patients, or communities. It is for those who find it difficult to ask for or receive the care and protection they need. It’s paradigm-shifting, promising a new way of engaging the spirit of service that is energizing, fulfilling, and meaningful. Rather than feeling drained, you will find emotional freedom and empowerment through your innate gifts. To know where we are going, we need to understand where we came from. We have come to know ourselves not through the essence of our core, but as a series of fragmented representations of who we think we should be. We lose ourselves as we strive to meet expectations that are not our own, and our point of reference shifts from internal to external. Living outside of ourselves, we are disembodied. We have disconnected from our spiritual spring of unlimited energy and are operating from a finite source. When we engage in selfless service from a place of disconnection we can’t truly be fulfilled. This is the root of our suffering. We will be hounded by the feeling that something is missing in our life. We might also feel alone and unsupported, and the lack of reciprocal care leads to feelings of resentment and betrayal. Why do we tolerate this? Why not change our behavior and environment when faced with mounting evidence that we’re being 1
Introduction
harmed? Why do we not allow ourselves to heal? Over the past decade, through coaching and workshops, I have had the privilege of accompanying thousands of people on their journey to soulrealization. Time and again, I have seen women and men who are on the cusp of personal progress or emotional healing, only to find themselves held back by the erroneous belief: I am not enough. Combined with our innate impulse for selfless service, this limiting belief becomes incredibly damaging. People who are highly sensitive and predisposed to over-give become resentful, discouraged, disillusioned, and even ill. Others, more prone to putting up protective walls, might adopt narcissistic tendencies as they disconnect from others’ feelings entirely. I am not enough implies that I am not worthy of love, and therefore my needs and desires are not a priority. For many of us, this belief has been ingrained in our bodies since childhood.1 Different circumstances, which we will explore more in depth this book, brought us to put our needs aside to tend to the needs of our caregivers and people around us who needed us. This has brought us to place our reference points for our identity outside of ourselves, leaving traces of this disconnection from our core in the tissue of our bodies. We have carried these patterns with us into adulthood and our unconscious habits keep this self-neglect intact. This pattern can also be passed down through generations. Sometimes it is the conditioned belief of our ancestors, various form of I am not worthy of love, that is passed down, that we are called to examine, heal, and eradicate from our lineage going forward.
1. Jawaid, 97. 2
Burning Out
A SPIRITUAL SOLUTION Burnout is rampant in our fast-paced modern world,2 and there’s a tremendous variety in how we experience it. It’s not a one-sizefits-all experience. It can be frustrating and isolating. Unexamined, burnout worsens and can lead to disenchantment, boredom, depression, anxiety, and increasingly debilitating mental health issues. Burnout can happen for multiple reasons.3 As with any problem, our assumptions about its causes will dictate our approach to heal or resolve it. I approach it from a spiritual perspective because I believe that burnout requires a spiritual solution, a level of experience that goes beyond body and mind. There are many other solutions out there, from hormone therapy, supplements, and medication, to lifestyle and diet change, therapy, and exercise, all of which can yield positive results. But at the end of the day, if the problem of burnout is addressed only at the peripheral level of psychology and physiology, changes will only be incremental, and they won’t last. Your symptoms of burnout are metaphors for what is happening at a deeper level in your core. When you address the problem at this deeper level, the spiritual level, you can heal the core issue that is affecting not just your ability to be there for your family, your clients, your community, and the people you love, but all aspects of your life, including your creativity, abundance, success at work, joie de vivre, relationships, and, more importantly, your inner world. The Burnout Antidote is there to help you go straight to the real reason you are burnt out and dissolve it for good. 2. Wigert and Agrawal. 3. Wigert and Agrawal. 3
Introduction
There’s a spiritual intelligence behind your burnout, it has everything to do with your core essence, and it starts with why you serve others. We are born with the impulse and the desire to serve, to help, and to alleviate the suffering of others.4 In his book Do Onto Others: Extraordinary Acts of Ordinary People, Emeritus Professor of sociology at Humboldt State University writes that altruism begins in infancy as an innate predisposition and is nurtured (or not) in the relationship with one’s parents. Recent studies in neuroscience, in particular by Professor Marco Iacoboni at the School of Medicine at UCLA, have confirmed the fact that we have a “neurobiology wired for empathy.”5 Our core essence—meaning who we are before societal or parental conditioning informs who we become—is naturally altruistic.6 We show up for others because it is innate in us to do so, but also because it makes us feel good, most of the time. Research shows that our intrinsic capacity for benevolence and “other-regarding” emotions enhances our wellbeing. Kind emotions and helping behaviors are both associated with good physical and mental health and longevity.7 This insight is not new, and has been described in ancient proverbs: “A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.”8 Generally, we feel good and have more resilience when we can be of service to others. But here is the conundrum: if we are in fact designed to care for each other, why are we as a society so unwell, sicker than ever, with unprecedented levels of burnout, depression, anxiety, isola4. Oliner, 20–21. 5. Iacoboni, 268. 6. Christov-Moore and Iacoboni, 1,548. 7. Post, 68. 8. The Bible, Proverbs 11:25 (New International Version). 4
Burning Out
tion, and loneliness? Shouldn’t an innate trait that feels like a calling from the deepest parts of us bring us a sense of fulfillment for the rest of our lives? How can a behavior that feels so meaningful and aligned with who we are drain us, and even fill us with resentment? For people who feel that service is their calling, this paradox can precipitate an existential crisis. What happens when our natural inclination to serve depletes our vitality, ability, and capacity? Like a broken-down vending machine, we’re suddenly “out of service”: full of potential and gifts for the world, but no longer functioning. We can’t continue to be of service and use our gifts when it drains our life energy. Ironically, those among us who are highly sensitive and empathetic are the most likely to be burnt out by over-giving. I count myself among this group. Our high sensitivity allows us to tap into people’s feelings and needs in a way that others cannot. Our ability to serve attracts more opportunities for service. But if we take this too far, and neglect our own needs, our gift becomes our source of depletion, frustration, and resentment. The good news is that fully feeling is indeed a special gift, being highly sensitive is a superpower, and there is a way to keep our innate abilities, use them, and still be energized, excited about life, joyful, and fulfilled. In fact, the more attuned with and sensitive to the world you are, the more capacity you have for contact and intimacy with yourself. This is a key part of the process of reclaiming your power, a process I will guide you through in this book. Your sensitivity will serve you very well here.
5
Introduction
THE ANTIDOTE I want you to know that you have the ability to give and help others in a way that energizes and fulfills you. It begins with taking the right steps to restore love for your core essence, your true nature, so you can tap into your unlimited source of spiritual energy. Greater love for your core essence will translate into greater love for others. In our pursuit of deeper inner love, we are better parents, partners, helpers, healers, and leaders. We gain access to limitless insights and wisdom. The feeling that we are missing the mark or not doing enough gives way to a sense of resonance and remembrance of who we truly are—no more fragmentation of self. Our soul, our feelings, our emotions, our thoughts, our words, and our actions are in harmony with each other. The status quo isn’t working, but the fear of change and loss paralyzes us. This book introduces a seven-step transformational process and makes a simple promise: you can increase your impact in the world and your capacity for service without draining yourself or losing your health and happiness. These changes are sustainable because they happen at an embodied level, meaning that you will fundamentally shift how you show up in the world, every day. I know this process works because I have seen its results with my clients and workshop participants, and I have gone through full cycles of it myself multiple times in the past twenty years, every time emerging on the other side with more clarity, freedom, and excitement, and a renewed sense of purpose and service. In 2001, my body was jarred into a mystical experience during a near-fatal car accident. Before that day, I was fully asleep and unconscious to my true nature. I didn’t know that there was another way to live, like a fish that doesn’t know it is in water. I solely identified 6
Burning Out
with expectations that weren’t really mine, and with the stories that ran on loop in my head. I didn’t know it then, but I was aware of only a small slice of reality, one that was keeping me trapped in a body that was constantly aching and burning out, and in a mind that was full of emotional anguish, resentment, and bitterness. The only way I knew to deal with my acute discontentment was to indulge more and more in distractions, addictions, and pushing myself to strive for accomplishments I could one day feel worthy of. On the outside, I appeared happy, independent, and driven, but inside I always felt I was one step behind where I thought I should be, never feeling like I was doing enough, depleting my energy, and looking outside of myself for ways to feel better. My high sensitivity had to be suppressed to make it in this world that I built for myself. The more I tried to fill the void I felt inside with external and ephemeral supply, like praises, validation, alcohol, relationship drama, or more diplomas, the more I self-sabotaged, destroyed what was actually good for me, and moved further and further away from an authentic experience and true expression of life. Looking back, I can say I was living as the image I had of myself, not as my actual self. The experience in the car accident, which I will share more details of in chapter 2, not only woke me up to a level of self-love I had never experienced before but it set in motion a healing and creative spiritual process that has guided me inward many times over the past two decades, each time allowing me to let go of unhelpful conditioning, fears, and unhealthy patterns; each time finding new freedom and expansion within, and incarnating more and more the essence of who I was born to be.
7
Introduction
It has become my life’s work to answer the call of transformation every time it arises in me, and to share my insights and discoveries in the hopes it can support and inspire others on their path to more vitality, soul-fulfillment, and inner freedom. I have created a unique program based on my experience with this process, and I have used this program with thousands of individuals in workshops and in my private practice. This is the program I share with you in this book. Each chapter contains actionable tools and exercises you can use immediately to move you out of burnout and into more energy. These include meditations, visualizations, exercises, self-inquiry worksheets, and tips on overcoming obstacles, integrating this work into your life, and making meaningful and sustainable changes. In chapter 1, Redefining Burnout, Service, and Empathy, we begin by looking at how we have been conditioned to understand service and empathy in ways that deplete and drain us. Reframing these two concepts and looking at burnout in a different way will give you a foundation on which to build, and help you move forward with transcending your burnout. In chapter 2, Embodiment and Core Essence, we look at how difficult it is to make ourselves a priority and why it is so difficult, although we are worn out and understand the need for a break at the intellectual level. With a mountain of responsibilities and no time to spare, it is hard to embrace the need for change and give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves. In this chapter, I share with you Burnout Antidotes Step One: Retreat, You’re More Tired Than You Think. I will help you learn the language of your body, discover the source of your burnout, and help you make yourself a priority.
8
Burning Out
In chapter 3, Guilt and The Inner Child’s Fear of Losing Love, we recognize that the fear of letting people down keeps us trapped and unable to heal and live a life that is our own. This chapter focuses on overcoming the fear of losing love through self-love and heart-healing exercises, which is Burnout Antidotes Step Two: Strengthen Your Resolve. I help you learn the language of your heart and access a whole new dimension of yourself. Guilt and shame are overwhelmed by a feeling of vibrancy and excitement about your life. In chapter 4, Who Were You Before You Were Needed?, I invite you to see the core wound that has been acting as a barrier to your core essence. It might have been a long time since you have explored your inner world, and you might have lost the ability to deeply connect. This chapter will save you years of talk therapy as you discover your body as an instrument, a processor of energy and information. With Burnout Antidotes Step Three: Your Inner Child, you will learn to process fear and the stories associated with fear at a rapid speed. In chapter 5, Find the Great Mother and Father Within, we break the silence of shame, by engaging in direct conversation with your inner child. You will gain a tool that you will carry with you for the rest of your life, enabling you to connect with the untapped power behind your core wound. By building trust and communication with your inner child, you will reclaim the lost and fragmented parts of yourself and discover that the wound, the root cause of your burnout, is the gateway to knowledge of self, embodied wisdom, and vitality. This is Burnout Antidotes Step Four: Decoding and Releasing Energy. In chapter 6, Reclaim Your High Sensitivity and Set Boundaries, we are ready to dive deep into our very soul with our unanswered 9
Introduction
questions: Who am I? Who was I before I was needed? These insights aren’t available through intellectual pursuits, so we continue to use the inner child and the body as guides as we pursue the answers. With Burnout Antidotes Step Five: Meet Your Core Essence you will meet your core essence, establish healthy boundaries, and remember your innate freedom and limitlessness. You will find that your previous fears were proportionate to the gifts you discovered, that your sensitivity is a source of power, and that your body is more powerful than any teacher or guru. In chapter 7, Realize the Power of Your Core Essence, you will gain another powerful tool: an inner compass that allows you to discern between conditioning and core essence insights. You’ll also gain clarity around the intelligence of how your fire expresses through you and how to embody intense energy like anger skillfully. In Burnout Antidotes Step Six: Stand in Your Fire, I will help you deal with the resistance from the people who count on the old iteration of you. You will face the fear that you must choose between their love and your purpose. Your purpose will be redefined on your own terms, through the impulse of the essence of who you truly are. In chapter 8, Embodied Leadership and Your Emergent Future, I help you make real all the work you have done and allow your newfound power to move through you and all aspects of your life. Now that you are embodied, defragmented, and integrated, you own your unique gifts, and you are ready to be of service. It’s a new way of being in the world that is energizing, fulfilling, and meaningful, and there is no one-size-fits-all blueprint for how to show up. This is Burnout Antidotes Step Seven: Increase Your Impact. As you get used to the sense of fearlessness that comes from your
10
Burning Out
unshakable trust in your core essence, this chapter is all about manifestation and the expression of your embodied wisdom. Leadership and service flow naturally from this place as your mere presence manifests healing and transformation. You serve not because you are needed but because it’s who you are. When you connect to your essential nature and your needs are met, you can access limitless wisdom. You naturally know how to be of service in a way that energizes you and simultaneously inspires others. That is divine service. Your journey through the processes described in this book is analogous to that of Siddhartha Gautama’s path to enlightenment, the story of how he became Buddha. His story has resonated throughout the ages because it serves as a blueprint for selfdiscovery and soul-realization. Before he became the Buddha, Siddhartha left his wife, son, father, and stepmother to find answers to the big questions in his heart. (Burnout Antidotes Step One: Retreat, You’re More Tired Than You Think.) Some might have thought that was selfish, letting go of his responsibilities as a leader, a father, and a husband. (Burnout Antidotes Step Two: Strengthen Your Resolve.) But the inner calling of who he really was was too great to ignore. (Burnout Antidotes Step Three: Your Inner Child.) He probably couldn’t see the full outcome of this decision to follow the inner calling but had to trust this knowing. (Burnout Antidotes Step Four: Decoding and Releasing Energy.) After he sat under the Bodhi Tree for seven weeks and awoke to his true nature as the enlightened one, he came back to his home. (Burnout Antidotes Step Five: Meet Your Core Essence.)
11
Introduction
Although (according to the different accounts I have read) his family was happy to see him, he was no longer the son, the husband, nor the father. The relationships had changed and now went beyond the human understanding of familial love and what was expected of him. He didn’t fill those roles anymore. (Burnout Antidotes Step Six: Stand in Your Fire.) It might have appeared that they’d lost who they knew him to be, and on the human love level, this might have appeared as selfish or self-centered, but on the divine love level, his family was loved in the most extraordinary way possible. His love included everyone, and its impact has reverberated throughout history as one that heals, transforms, and awakens. Whether it was perceived as such at the time wasn’t his responsibility. His responsibility was to stay true to the impulse of the mystery in his heart, the heart of god, who he knew himself to be. (Burnout Antidotes Step Seven: Increase Your Impact.) The process has radically changed my life and continues to deepen me every day. It is a way of life that has freed me repeatedly from the grips of depression, burnout, deep fatigue, and the general feeling that I am not doing enough. My wish for you is that, as you recognize the intelligence in your burnout, you discover freedom from the layers of conditioning weighing you down. My intention is that after you read this book, you will undeniably know the truth within yourself and will be guided in your future choices by the wisdom and the vitality you have always carried. Now let’s begin!
12
S Chapter One
Redefining Burnout, Service, and Empathy Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. Anne Lamott
In this chapter, I want to help you build a foundation for key concepts that will guide you through the program. To do so, I need to reframe and clarify important words that are widely used but, for our purposes, unhelpful and ambiguous in common parlance. As the chapter title suggest, I am redefining burnout, service, and empathy. At first glance some of these distinctions may seem subtle, but it is in that subtlety that fundamental problems persist.
INTELLIGENT BURNOUT Growth and transformation are the only things we can count on to be consistent in our life. Very little of our body stays the same; everything cycles and renews, continually. We are creative processes at our core. Yet we like stability and predictability, so we resist change when we sense it coming. We try to keep things just the way they are, and hold on to who we have known ourselves to be.
13
Chapter One
Burnout is a necessary step to awakening to our potential, like a wakeup call alerting us to what is needed to grow into our potential. In fact, burnout is often the result of us missing early signs that change is needed. Because it appears to not be productive enough, we tend to resist and skip the part of the creative cycle that requires us to rest, incubate, even hibernate to transform and grow. Burnout forces us to stop and pay attention when perhaps we’ve been ignoring more subtle signs from our body. Burnout tells you that when what used to work doesn’t anymore, when what used to be easy has become difficult, it is now the time to surrender, let go, and find a new, deeper, and wiser source of energy within. By design, you have this mechanism, like an alarm, that helps you know there is an issue. You wouldn’t blame yourself for not noticing a carbon monoxide leak before the detector did in your home. Similarly, don’t be hard on yourself for missing early signs. Through this lens, we can see that burnout is very intelligent, even a life saver. Burnout is the way our body stops us from doing more damage to ourselves. It is time to shift perspective and change our relationship to it. Instead of wishing it away, of being annoyed and angry at it, we can love our body’s response and thank it for communicating with us so clearly, letting us know that our attention is needed elsewhere. We can even have gratitude for burnout for having our best interest at heart, for helping us bring our focus back on our growth, transformation, potential, and true fulfillment. You might not be able to thank your burnout just yet, but I’ll bet you that after you go through this program, you will know the value in loving your body’s intelligent responses. When you love your burnout, ironically, your suffering begins to dissipate. Burnout doesn’t happen by happenstance, nor does it happen because 14
Redefining Burnout, Service, and Empathy
you failed, are not strong enough, or are being punished by the universe. It is an ally, here to help you, and it happens for a reason. Identifying this reason will empower you to move through this period in your life (because it is just a period, it won’t always be like this) and find the immense wisdom you forgot you carried.
REFRAMING SERVICE The impetus of your desire to serve matters greatly. When you’re doing something because it’s who you really are, that’s internally referenced, or divine service. When you’re doing something because you’re driven by someone else’s needs, that’s externally referenced, or disembodied service. This is dictated by your relationship to self-love, which will ultimately provide a strong indicator of your propensity for burnout. Your burnout is directly linked to your relationship to love, meaning how love was modeled to you growing up and how you integrated it in your body. Ideally, we have an embodied divine love relationship with ourselves. This means that we love our life fully and completely and that we hold the realization of our soul as a top priority, knowing that when we love ourselves that deeply, not only do we get to experience fulfillment but our impact on others is incredibly powerful. An individual in their full power, overflowing with self love that comes from deep within, doesn’t burn out anymore. In fact, they have energy to spare, and when they show up in service, the needs of others are met and surpassed. Your relationship to self-love and your sense of worth inform why and how you serve others. People who are burning out often serve out of habit, on automatic pilot, rarely or never stopping to ask: why am I driven to help others in the way that I do? Is this 15
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really who I am? Why do I serve? It is important to ask ourselves these questions, because there is a big difference between serving because you are responding to an external need and serving because you are inspired by the light within you. Both are service, but the first doesn’t come from an authentic and grounded place and sooner or later, it will drain and deplete you. Ask yourself, am I in service because people need me? Because it’s the right thing to do? Because I don’t want to lose a relationship? Because I don’t want to lose love? Because I am able, and therefore I should? Because I am good? Because I’m great? These reasons are all externally referenced. If you examine them closely, none come from a fire burning inside you, from a desire led by life itself. On their own, and without a strong driver coming from within, these are not enough if you want to move through burnout and into vitality and your full potential. If you are reading this book, chances are that helping others is your life’s calling. You came to earth to help, to care, to teach, to lead, to create, and to inspire. You may have naturally taken on that role from a very young age and would have been able to use your gifts in service to others. But along the way, and for reasons we will explore in this book, you lost your connection to your true self, to your internal source of energy and wisdom, and service became externally referenced. Internally referenced service is a gift you offer the world, the gift of your unique light, not something you do in response to something else or because others need you. Service is meant to emerge from within. Your light goes through and up, and you shine your wisdom out in the world. If others are inspired and helped, and their needs are met as a result, fantastic! But you don’t do it for them. You do it for you because it is who you are, at your 16
Redefining Burnout, Service, and Empathy
core. I know this might sound selfish, and we will look at the guilt that comes up when we do make our fulfillment a priority, but when you serve in this way, your impact is more powerful, and your light travels farther. You are energized and excited because you are, in this precise moment, being who you truly are, at your core. When you do it for others, service drains you. Your job is not to help everyone. Your job is to create the greatest impact by honoring, protecting, and expressing your unique gifts. That’s your only job. You are not responsible for the lives, wellbeing, happiness, or success of others—no one, including your family. You might be wondering if there is an exception if you have children. We will talk more about this in the section about boundaries in chapter 6, but for now, let me just say that yes, children need your love and protection, but they don’t need you to take responsibility for their life. There is difference. They are also led within by light, by wisdom, by love, and if you take responsibility for their life, you take away their ability to claim and own all their power within. Take full responsibility for your life, and the life of others will be honored.
TOXIC EMPATHY Research shows that altruism enhances our health, our wellbeing, and our general feeling of happiness.9 And if we are designed to care for each other,10 then why are we burning out? I have found that empathy, the revered and problematic cousin to altruism, is at the root of the problem. It is important to deconstruct our understanding of empathy if we are to care in a way that doesn’t deplete us. 9. Post, 68. 10. Iacoboni, 268. 17
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Empathy is a popular and celebrated topic. It is held up as a sacred virtue, one that is a central component in building a resilient, compassionate, and creative society. Progressive schools include it in their curriculum because it is foundational to a healthy and meaningful life. Barack Obama famously said “The biggest deficit that we have in our society and in the world right now is an empathy deficit.”11 In most cases, empathy is a good thing. Being empathic allows us to understand others’ feelings and intuit what is needed to be helpful and a good citizen. Empathy is an essential human quality, and we can agree that the need for it has never been more evident. We need empathy to understand other points of view and negotiate compromises. However, empathy is so broadly defined that we are liable to misunderstand each other when we use the word in conversation. At the most basic level, it is a mere tool used to keep social systems intact and is not limited to humans. Empathy can be used to describe everything from yawning contagion in dogs, distress signaling in chickens, and patient-centered attitude in human medicine.12 To help you tap into the vitality of your core, I want to focus on a specific definition of empathy that is problematic: the act of coming to experience the world as you think someone else does. If you suffer, I suffer because I feel what you feel. The philosophers of the Scottish Enlightenment called emotional empathy “sympathy.” Adam Smith wrote that “we have 11. Obama, “Xavier University Commencement Address.” 12. Decety and Cowell, 525.
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the ability to think about another person and place ourselves in his situation and become in some measure the same person with him, and thence form some idea of his or her sensations, and even feel something which, though weaker in degree, is not altogether unlike them.”13 When this happens, there is a contagion of feelings. Their energy slips into ours, or we slip into their body, and their emotions drain us. For empaths or highly sensitive people, this can happen involuntarily. Being around a person with pain and suffering can bring about pain and suffering in yourself. What happens in a toxic environment where there is addiction, violence, substance abuse, neglect, mental illness, or abuse? Highly sensitive children will overuse emotional empathy toward others as a strategy to stay safe and to belong, if safety and belonging are at risk.14 From their perspective, their membership in the group and their very lives are at stake. Eventually self-betrayal becomes their default setting. They take in more than they can sustain, often to the detriment of an inner world that no one else can see. Survival requires that they lose empathy for themselves in favor of others. Psychologists make the distinction between “emotional empathy” and “cognitive empathy” or “social intelligence,”15 which is to appreciate what’s going on emotionally with another person without any contagion of feelings. Cognitive empathy allows us to understand that someone is suffering and still want to help, but without feeling what they are feeling. This distinction makes all the difference when it comes to serving and still conserving our energy. Let me explain how. 13. Smith, 9. 14. Greenberg, Baron-Cohen, Rosenberg, Fonagy, and Rentfrow. 15. Bloom, 17. 19
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Emotional empathy is a disembodied emotion, meaning that your attention is outside of yourself. You project yourself in the other person’s body, you feel what you perceive they feel. The perceived part is important because when you perceive something, you think about it. When you think about it, you are in your intellect. When you are in your intellect, you are not in the now. You are associating past experiences with what you think this person is experiencing. You are putting your perception through your conditioned filters, which brings on an emotion that your psyche fabricates. These feelings are neither yours nor theirs. You can feel it, but it did not originate from you nor does it accurately represent what they are feeling. It is also self-centered, in the wrong kind of way. We see someone suffering, and we create our own emotions to attach to this person’s journey, which is theirs, not ours. We lose our strength and power and have very little left for the person we are trying to help. Emotional empathy takes you out of yourself and places you in the other person’s shoes where you are disconnected from your inner world. You are out of your body and in an emotion that doesn’t belong to you. In the process, you contaminate your present moment awareness. In this state, it is easier to betray yourself because you have lost touch with what you genuinely need inside. Research shows that in practice emotional empathy amplifies and hides bias.16 Most people have more empathy for people they can relate to, people who look and sound like them, or people they already care about.17 There is a narrowing of focus and attention toward this same group of people, like a spotlight, ignoring the
16. Kogut and Ritov, 110. 17. Schelling, 128. 20
Redefining Burnout, Service, and Empathy
global need. Without a broader and inclusive perspective people lose sight of the whole, or the greater good. Ironically, emotional empathy is detrimental to the very people you serve. You don’t have access to your innate wisdom because your focus is narrow and centered on the painful emotion. You can’t see their innate wisdom. You lose the perspective that they are, in fact, so much more than their emotions and their suffering. Your capacity as a healer and a leader is greatly reduced, and you are losing energy by the second. If you feel what they feel, you can’t hold a neutral and safe space for the other person because you are now in their personal experience; you are now distressed.
EMBODIED EMPATHY I’d like to introduce you to the concept of embodied empathy, a combination of cognitive empathy and compassion that keeps you anchored in your body. With this, you understand the pain or the joy that another person is experiencing, and you can relate to it, but you stay with your own knowing, connected deep inside your core, without personalizing what the other person is feeling. In fact, sometimes, your mere presence will be enough to support the person, and all you need to do is be present and say nothing. Being here and now, in your body, in their presence, creates a neutral and safe space for the other to feel what they feel. It is simple and powerful. In The Impersonal Life, Joseph Benner refers to the impersonal self as the self that is connected to everything and animating all living things in the universe.18 When we take our awareness away from the impersonal and go into the personal, we narrow 18. Benner, 48. 21
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our focus and lose our wiser perspective, the one that can see beyond the personal distress, beyond the suffering, and see into the immense intelligence of the present moment. With these impersonal eyes, you can see the other person for more than their experience; you see their core essence. Embodied empathy doesn’t allow you to betray yourself and give more than you have. You can tell right away, in your body, when you are crossing the line, and your energy starts to drain. It’s more like compassion—understanding an emotion without the contagion. Embodied empathy allows you to be there for others from a place deep inside that is loyal to your light first. Then you can truly see the light in the person in front of you, instead of seeing them as a victim of the suffering they are going through. Mother Teresa did not take on the pain of the people she served. She recognized their beauty, the beauty of their light, and treated everyone with the same reverence. Our high sensitivity allows us to tap into people’s feelings and needs in a way that others can’t. We are told that fully feeling is a gift, but most of the time it’s overwhelming and our encounters are life-sucking. When you feel someone else’s pain, you don’t truly love them. You think you do, but you are only connecting to their suffering. But when you are present to your own beauty in the now, in the presence of another human being, you truly love them because you can’t help but see the same beauty in them. You can love someone, like a family member, and feel emotional empathy, but this is not the highest form of loving them.
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You don’t have to engage in emotional contagion. Through embodied empathy, you can be sensitive, be an empath, and keep your boundaries in place. Be here in your body, not in theirs. With these new ways of seeing burnout, service, and empathy, let’s begin the process of loving your burnout, finding its intelligence, and reclaiming the power and the wisdom inside you, the reason you were born. I am excited to take this journey with you!
DAILY CHECK-IN PRACTICE This exercise is a daily check-in meant to help you connect with the most essential parts of yourself and track your progress daily. It frees the mind of chatter and brings your focus on what truly matters. With each question, you can close your eyes and go deep inside to feel the question at a body level. Don’t feel the need to solve problems that come up. This can be done twice a day, preferably in the morning before you get out of bed and at night before you go to sleep. It will support you during the seven-step process to transcending your burnout, coming up in the next chapters. The first check-in question is, how is your heart doing today? Bring your attention to your heart. How does your heart feel right now? Does it hurt? Is it tight? Is it soft? Is it vulnerable? Does it feel open, expanded? Whatever you feel, however it presents itself to you at this moment, is perfect. Just notice and observe. How is my heart doing today? Give it your attention and your love.
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The second check-in question is, is your breath happy? A happy breath is a deep breath, an exaggerated breath, and an expanded breath. Ask yourself a question, in this moment, is my breath happy? Is it deep, is it calm, is it conscious? Or is it shallow, nervous, habitual? Is my breath happy? The third check-in question is, what is your level of freedom within yourself right now? As you sink into yourself, do you feel free? Or do you feel stuck, trapped, anxious? Your inner freedom will make you feel grounded and peaceful with whatever chaos might be unfolding around you. It will help others around you feel free as well. You will emanate contentment, and that is contagious. Are you free in this moment? The fourth question is, what is my relationship to my impersonal self ? My impersonal self is the part of my being that is grounded and connected to the non-dual reality. It is the ground of existence, my fundamental consciousness and the field of endless possibilities. My impersonal self is the essence of my core. It doesn’t have an agenda; it doesn’t have a purpose or an intention. It simply is. What is my relationship to my impersonal self today? Breathe deeply and notice. Don’t try to change anything; just notice. Ask yourself, have I connected with my impersonal self today? The last question of the check-in is, what is my relationship to my personal self? What are the feelings, emotions, or concerns I sense at the level of my body and in my mind? Is there a story, a narrative, a thought that is painful that keeps coming up today? Honor and love the personal stuff that is in your body today.
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Redefining Burnout, Service, and Empathy
Tell your body, show me; I want to see what I need to see, I want to witness it so that it can be loved, and I can help it move, heal, and go home. What is my relationship to my personal self ? Am I being kind, understanding, considerate, compassionate to my personal self today?
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Body, Mind & Spirit / Empathy / Inspiration & Personal Growth
“Anne Bérubé is a wise, evolved teacher, delivering a critical message. This book has arrived at the perfect time for humanity.” —Bronnie Ware, author of Top Five Regrets of the Dying
Restore Your Core Essence, Find Emotional Freedom & Thrive Use your body as an instrument for accelerated transformation and growth with this powerful guide to overcoming burnout. Anne Bérubé helps you access your innate capacity to heal and shows you that your burnout can become a gateway to embodied wisdom and vitality. This book empowers you through a variety of practical tools and exercises, including breath work, meditations, visualizations, and self-inquiry. Learn to overcome obstacles and gain access to limitless spiritual energy. Discover how to communicate with your inner child and reclaim the fragmented parts of yourself. With this book, you can tune in to your natural gifts and recover from burnout. Anne Bérubé, PhD, is a spiritual teacher who helps people free themselves from the societal and parental conditioning that is holding them back from realizing the highest calling of their soul. Her work has allowed her to share the stage with renowned self-help luminaries, including bestselling authors Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Elizabeth Gilbert, Sir Ken Robinson, Julie Daniluk, and others. Learn more at www.AnneBerube.com.
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