Jochen Till
LUCIFER JUNIOR TOO GOOD FOR HELL
“HOLLERING HELLHOUNDS! WHAT’S GOING ON? WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?”
Murderers don't get peanuts Me. It was me, Dad. “AM I SURROUNDED BY TOTAL INCOMPETENTS? CURSES! HOW DOES THIS THING TURN OFF? STEVEN? STEVEN!” “Yes, Boss?” “YOU INSTALLED ALL THIS MODERN NONSENSE! HOW DO I TURN IT OFF?” “Just press the ‘off’ key.” “THE ‘OFF’ KEY? WHICH ONE’S THE ‘OFF’ KEY? THE ONE WITH THE ARROW?” “No, the one next to it. The one with the little square.” Crazy, right? My Dad doesn’t even know what a completely normal stop key looks like. And he’s in charge around here. “IT’S NOT WORKING! THAT JUST MADE IT LOUDER!” Well, yes. That’s because I swapped the keys round.
“Impossible,” says Steven. “My computer system is the best in the world, and when you press the ‘off’ key the music stops.” “Nothing at all has stopped. See for yourself! They’re dancing down there! They're having FUN! That cannot be allowed to happen! It’s against our golden rule! No fun here! This place is the opposite of fun! It has to stop! Do something, Steven! Now! Or you’ll spend the rest of eternity cleaning windows!” “No, please, not that!” whines Steven. “Not windows! Let me try, Boss. I’ll fix it in a flash.” “Hurry! If word gets out, we'll all end up on kitchen duty! And you know what happens when I cook!” Oh yes, we know. I still feel ill from the last time. Not that I have anything against sulphur, but it's just not good in pancakes. “I’ve located the problem,” says Steven. “Someone swapped the keys round.” “Swapped the keys round? You mean, on purpose? But that’s sabotage! Who would do such a thing?” “Hmm,” says Steven, thinking. “There’s only one person around here apart from me who knows about computers. And that’s …” “LUCIE! The devious little runt!” Wrong. My name is Lucifer, not Lucie. Same as his. Lucifer Junior, to be exact. And I’m not a little runt, I’m his son. Yes, I am the devil’s spawn. Satan’s flesh and blood. The child of Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness, and whatever else he might be called. I know that sounds really cool. But it’s not. I mean who wants the most evil creature in the world as his Dad? Not that he’s as evil as people think. It’s just his job. Punishing people, tormenting poor souls, day in, day out, 24 hours a day, 7 days a year. It’s a total grind. Enough to make anyone turn mean. Even though he leaves most of the dirty work to his staff. Apart from when it comes to punishing me for doing things wrong. He always makes that his personal mission. And it happens quite a lot. Because he doesn’t think I’m evil enough. And that’s true. I mean, I’d like to be as evil as he is. But I’m just not. […] “Where is the little devil? LUCIE!” Where am I? Right under the desk. “Hi, hi,” Steven chuckles. “Little devil. That’s a good one, Boss.” “Windows, Steven,” my father growls. “I’ll say no more: windows. LUCIE! COME HERE, RIGHT NOW!” Except I’m already here. Down here. In front of his hoofs. Luckily I didn’t inherit those from him. My feet are totally normal. And I don’t have horns. Although his aren’t always visible either. They get longer or shorter depending on his mood. I’ll bet anything that right now they’re really sticking out. “LUCIE! I WON’T SAY IT AGAIN! YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T COME HERE RIGHT NOW!” Yes, I do know. I’ll spend the rest of the day creeping around in the form of a slithery snake. But that’s going to happen even if I do come. “The cursed, little dung rat! You wait! Steven, what key do I press to call Cerberus?” “The one with the picture of a dog,” answers Steven. “I designed it especially for you, Boss. You can send him a message on HellsApp© too. I only installed it last week, and half the creatures here have signed up already. It’s like text messaging but cuter.” “You and your modern technology,” my father growls. “Why should I send my hellhounds a text message, when I can just as easily shout for them? CERBERUS! HERE, NOW! HEEL!”
[…] My father’s face floats down towards mine. Yellow, sulphurous smoke pours from his nostrils. A hand grabs me by the collar and he drags me out of my hiding place with a yank. “ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE, OR WHAT?” he splutters. “HOW OFTEN HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THE PLAY LIST FOR CHAMBER 27?” “Er … hold on …” I say, dangling from his outstretched arm. “Exactly 1,382 times.” “Do Metallica play folk music?” I shake my head. “SO WHY IS METALLICA PLAYING AT TOP VOLUME DOWN THERE?” he yells, giving me a good shake. “CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO ME?” “Because it isn’t fair!” I answer. “FAIR? THIS IS HELL, LUCIE! THE ONLY FAIR THING AROUND HERE IS THE KICK IN THE BACKSIDE EVERYONE GETS WHEN THEY ARRIVE!” “But they’ve done nothing wrong,” I answer. “Their only crime was listening to heavy metal! And now they’re being punished with folk music, Dad! It’s inhuman!” […] “You’re just too nice, that’s your problem. This is hell, Lucie.” Seriously? As though I don’t already know where I live. “You know that I’d like to retire some time in the next two to three hundred years. And I want you to take over.” I can’t wait. Things would be a little different around here. We’d play Metallica instead of folk music, for a start. “The people upstairs will never agree to it, if you keep being so nice. I don’t know where you get it, but this … compassion has to stop. There’s no place for that in this job. You have to toughen up and learn how to make unpopular decisions. You’re nearly twelve, quite old enough. Tomorrow morning you will come to the team meeting so you can slowly familiarise yourself with the business.”
Silly hats Hey! What was that? Something just touched my left foot! There it is again! Stop! It tickles! “STOP!” I throw off the bedcovers and stare down at my feet. A squirrel is clutching my big toe and biting down hard. “HEY!” It’s not a real squirrel, I know that straight away. There are no squirrels in hell. But we do have demons. And I know this little demon really well. He bites down again. “CORNIBUS! LEAVE!” Cornibus is my little house demon. Dad gave him to me for my fifth birthday. I loved animals and always really wanted to see one. Cornibus can turn himself into any kind of animal, even an elephant, although he’s actually no bigger than a capuchin monkey. He looks like one too, just not as cute. He’s usually quite sweet when he’s a squirrel – if he would just stop biting my toe. “STOP, CORNIBUS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” “Must wake Lucie,” he croaks. “Lucie must up. Meet Dad. Was yesterday said.” What? Get up? This early? Meet Dad? No way.
“What are you babbling about?” I say to Cornibus, pulling the covers over my head. “You must have dreamt it. Let me sleep.” “Cornibus no dream. Lucie up get. Team heating.” You what? Team heating? What on earth? I really need to help Cornibus with his language skills. Unfortunately, house demons struggle to learn how to speak. I practiced with Cornibus from when I got him and he can speak better than most of his species, but he still gets things wrong sometimes. “Team heating isn’t a thing, Cornibus. Let me sleep. I still feel sick from yesterday.” Majorly sick. My Dad really surpassed himself with the whole turning me into a football thing. The journey back to my room was torture. For six hours, I happened to roll my way through hell. I spent three of those hours pretty much flying through the air, because I rolled into the cafeteria at lunchtime. Obviously, the torturers immediately grabbed hold of me and organised a quick football match against the kitchen staff. Stew, our demon Head Chef, was in goal and swallowed me twice. So now I know what he looks like on the inside – and I mean everywhere on the inside, because I came out the back way. Not nice. When I finally rolled back into my room, Cornibus was so excited that he turned himself into a seal and bounced me on his nose for twenty minutes. Now I know that footballs can’t throw up. But to make up for that, after I’d turned back into myself, I spent half an hour crouched over the toilet bowl. One thing’s for sure: the guys in Chamber 27 won’t be hearing Metallica again any time soon. “Lucie no sleep,” Cornibus keeps on at me. “Cornibus wake Lucie. Yesterday was said. Team heating. Important. Team heating. “It’s ten to seven in the morning, Cornibus,” I mumble after glancing at the clock. “Even if I knew what team heating was there’s no way I would get up for it.” I’m sure nobody would get up for team heating. Not even the CEO. Or my father. Even though he barely sleeps anyway. In fact, he’s probably already awake and sitting in one of those team heating things … “Oh, curses!” I shout and sit up with a start. “The team meeting!” “That what Cornibus say. Teen Meeting. Lucie up get.” “That’s not what you said!” I reply and quickly jump out of bed. “You said team heating! Which isn’t the same thing! It doesn’t even exist!” Cornibus turns back into his demon form. “Teen Meeting. Cornibus not stupid.” That’s something else we need to work on. He never admits to saying anything wrong or mispronouncing words. And there’s no point arguing with him. Anyway, I don’t have time to argue. […] “Lucie should familiarise himself with the day to day running of things. Most of all, I would like you to cure him of this compassion. He has a kind heart and we all know that doesn’t work around here. I want him to be as evil, vicious and evil as I am. Make a proper devil of him. And if he doesn’t cooperate, let me know immediately and I’ll turn him into something. I am always open to creative suggestions, of course. So, who’ll take him first?” No one offers. What’s going on? Do they all hate me, or what? Hold on, someone’s put a finger up over there. “Gabriel? Very good. He’ll join you in the morning,” my father says. “Er, no,” Uncle Gabriel says. “I actually had a better idea. How about we send Lucie to a boarding school up above?” What does he mean, up above? With the living? What would I do there? And what’s a boarding school? It doesn’t sound good.
“He’ll learn more about people by living with them,” Uncle Gabriel insists. “Up above, you really get to practice how to be evil. You know that better than most.” “What? And no one’s going to ask me?” I say. “No. What’s your point?” my father answers. “Maybe I don’t want to go to some weird school?” I say. “Maybe I’d much rather stay down below?” “Oh, really? Well, how about I’m your father and you will do as I say.” “But …” “No buts, end of discussion. You will go to a human boarding school. Best thing is if you start tomorrow. And don’t show me up. I only want to hear awful things about you. Do you understand?” “Yes,” I mumble, because I know there’s no point arguing – Dad’s horns just grew another few inches. “Excellent. Everything is settled,” my father says.
So long, hell “Cornibus come?” “I already explained,” I say, sighing. “You’re not allowed to come. I’m hardly allowed to take anything with me. Not even my cry-Phone.” Communication blackout, that’s what Uncle Gabriel said. I’m going to have to fend for myself up above. “Cornibus come!” “Be glad you get to stay here. It’s probably deadly boring up above. Anyway, I won’t have time for you because I have to go to some dumb school.” I checked things out last night. That Principles School really is the pits. Apparently, you have to be there all day and learn a ton of stupid stuff. Then after school you have to do work at home. And depending on how well you do, they give you a score from one to six. I’m going to try and get as many sixes as possible. My father’s favourite number is 666 – maybe I’ll be allowed back, if I get a load of sixes. “Cornibus come! School horrid! Look after Lucie! Mess about!” “That’s sweet,” I say, and have to laugh. “But I’m not allowed to mess about up above. I have to be good at being bad.” “Cornibus bad! Help Lucie!” “Yes, I know,” I say, sighing again. “I could really use a friend. But it’s just not possible. Dad said no. You have to stay here. Uncle Gabriel will look after you.” “No! Gag! Puke! Don’t want Uncle Galebrioche! Not nice to Cornibus! Always angry! Cornibus stay Lucie!”
Naked “You’ll see, you’ll feel right at home in no time, Sir von Turbsnatas.” One thing’s for sure, I won’t get used to this any time soon. And I don’t just mean my awful new name. The odd Principal, Dr Rabbitfoot, keeps calling me Sir. Why? No one’s ever called me Sir before, and it feels really weird.
“It’s normal to feel a little homesick,” he continues. “Don’t worry, it will soon pass.” That’s what I hope. I really don’t want to burst into tears again. Turns out, my face wasn’t melting, they were actual tears. I didn’t know I could do that. I’ve never cried before. Probably because I never had a reason to cry. Or because Dad banned crying in hell. There used to be so many tears that sometimes whole passageways would fill with water. That annoyed my father so much that he ordered a strict crying ban across all chambers. He never actually said I wasn’t allowed to cry. But still, I never did. Either way, I never want to cry again because it feels terrible. And it was mega cringing when I burst into the office in a full-blown panic, hands covering my face. “HELP! SAVE ME!” I yelled. “MY FACE! I’M MELTING! I’M MELTING!” The school secretary got a real fright and reached for the phone to call an ambulance. But when she realised there was nothing wrong with my face, she quickly hung up and gave me a proper telling off. She said it wasn’t a joke and I wasn’t funny. I didn’t think it was funny either, quite the opposite, I kept on crying and couldn’t seem to stop. I was crying so hard that the school secretary couldn’t make out what I was saying when I told her my dreadful name. That’s why she went to get Rabbitfoot. He took me into his office and gave me a glass of apple juice. It was so yummy that I immediately stopped crying. Since then, I’ve been sat here listening to how brilliant the school is. “Once you’ve settled in, you’ll never want to leave,” Rabbitfoot says. I wouldn’t bet on that if I were him. “You know, we are strongly committed to nurturing our students’ individual talents. I understand from my files that you play the trombone? A wonderful instrument! Our music teacher, Mr Whistler, is thrilled to have this marvellous addition to the school orchestra.” Excuse me, you what? I play the trombone? I hate the trombone! Dad plays the trombone and it sounds awful. He always wanted me to … Oh no. I have a bad feeling about this. “What else is in the files?” I ask. Rabbitfoot reaches for a small folder and opens it up. “Well,” he repeats. “It says here that you enjoy reading, especially history books that are over a thousand pages. I’ve already arranged for a twelve volume book set about the life and work of Genghis Khan to be sent up to your room.” Oh, that is fiendish. So fiendish that it smacks of my father’s personal touch. Trombone? Reading? He’s put in all the things I absolutely hate. Very funny, Dad. Thanks a lot. […] The washroom is deserted when I walk in. Great, so now I can explore without being interrupted. There are six showers on the walls to my left and right. In the centre of the room, there are twelve sinks arranged opposite one another in a big block. I turn a shower on. Oh, the water comes out nice and cold. And it doesn’t smell of sulphur either. I collect some water in my cupped hand and take a sip. It tastes amazing! So fresh. It seems a shame to wash with it. But it’s not my water. I open the tap some more. Actually, I could wash my clothes at the same time, right? Gustav said it’s my clothes that smell, so it doesn’t make sense to only wash my body. I stand under the stream of water, fully clothed. Wow, that’s cold. Is that really as warm as it gets? There’s another knob, with a red dot on it. I turn it and the water heats up. It’s still pretty unpleasant though. And what’s this shower gel stuff? I open the bottle and take a whiff. It smells ok, a bit like the apple juice I had earlier. I carefully squeeze a drop onto my finger and take a lick. Yuck, no, that’s definitely not for eating. It tastes a bit like the chlorine soup that’s served to the picky eaters in Chamber 96. But my clothes might smell better if I slap the stuff on and rub it in. Huh? What’s going on? Where did all the foam come from? It’s funny. I wipe some of the shower gel on my hair and rub it in hard. It probably looks really odd. Small mirrors hang over the washbasins. I go over and look in. Haha, I have a foamy head and a foam beard. But when I turn around, I get the fright of my life. There’s a kid
standing in front of me. He’s a little shorter than I am, on the thin side, and has weird, messy hair. Where did he suddenly appear from? “That’s not how you do it. Do it,” he says. “What do you mean?” I ask. “You’re supposed to shower naked. Naked,” he says. “Oh, okay, sorry. I didn’t know,” I say. “I’m new here and Gustav said my clothes smell. So I was cleaning them too.” “You don’t shower clothes, you wash them. Wash them.” “Got it. I’ll remember that for next time. I’m Vitus by the way.” “Vitus, from the Latin word vita, life. So that makes you the living one. The living one.” Oh right, the living one. Very funny. I’ll bet that was Dad’s idea. “Interesting,” I say. “And what’s your name?” “Aaron,” the boy says, taking a step towards me. “Please accept my sincere apologies. Apologies.” “What for?” I want to know. “I mean, Aaron’s not such a bad name, you don’t have to apolo… OW!” He kicked me in the shins. And he didn’t hold back. Gustav warned me about this, but I’d completely forgotten. He should have told me how badly it hurts. The pain is brutal. “OW! OW! OW!” I yell, hopping. “CURSES THAT HURTS!” “I’m sorry,” Aaron says. “I can’t help it. It’s a tic. You should watch out. Watch out.” “Why? Do you always kick twice?” I ask. “When you stand on one leg, your centre of gravity shifts. That sets you off balance and that’s difficult to manage. Especially on a slippery floor that’s probably even more slippery on account of the soapy water. Soapy water.” “You mean, I should stop hopping because otherwise I’ll faaaaaaaaall!” My foot slips, I glide weightless through the air for a millisecond and then slam down hard onto the floor. I can’t scream out in pain because there’s no air in my lungs, so I just moan quietly. At least now my shin doesn’t hurt as much. “Can I help at all? At all?” asks Aaron. “No,” I groan. “Just leave me here to die.” “Alright then,” Aaron says. “But I’m sure you won’t die. See you again soon. Again soon.” “No rush,” I groan. Aaron leaves the washroom. I stand up, moaning and groaning then stand under the running water for a while, until the foam has rinsed out of my clothes. The towel seems really absorbent so I use it to pat myself down. But it doesn’t get my clothes dry. I shuffle back to my room leaving a trail of small puddles. Once there, I drop onto my bed and close my eyes. One thing’s for sure: there’s no way I’ll survive a year in this place. I’ve barely been here an hour and have already had a crying fit, breathing difficulties, stitches, cold sweats, a seemingly shattered shin, and hellish back pain. And the day isn’t even over yet. This being alive business really sucks.
Another demon “Hello spider,” I say. “You’d probably like some chocolate too. Help yourself to one of the small pieces.” And the spider actually goes for a small piece. Funny, I didn’t think spiders were into chocolate. I always thought they ate flies and other bugs.
It’s really cute how the tiny spider struggles with a piece that’s way too big for it. Moving it from side to side, trying to grab on, but not managing. I break a piece off using my fingernail, but it still can’t manage. “You’re tiny,” I say. “It’s no use. Just bite off a piece and enjoy.” “Okay,” says the spider. Then the spider grows as big as my hand and stuffs a whole piece of chocolate into its mouth. Hold on. Spiders can’t change size like that. And they can’t talk either. Plus that voice sounds suspiciously familiar. I look at the spider more closely while it’s gobbling down the chocolate. Aha, that’s what I thought. It has two little horns on its head. That’s not a spider, it’s a … “Cornibus! What are you doing here?” “Cornibus eat chocolate. Very tasty.” “Well, I can see that,” I say, laughing. “But how did you get here? You were supposed to stay at home, you scamp.” “Cornibus hide in pocket. Like flea. Lucie angry now?” “No, not at all, quite the opposite! I’m really glad you’re here! Come on, change yourself back so I can give you a proper hug!” Cornibus changes back into his real self and I give him a big hug. Oh, that feels good … even better than chocolate. “Lucie no send Cornibus back?” “No way!” I say, scratching the back of his head. I wouldn’t know how to send him back, even if I wanted to. “You stay here,” I say. “That way at least I have someone to count on. But you need to stay out of sight. No one up here can see you, or it’ll cause a whole load of bother.” “Cornibus very good. Always hide. Nobody see. Big demon prominence.” “It’s called a promise,” I say. And I know all about your big demon promises. You’ve never kept a single one. But this time it’s really important, Cornibus. You mustn’t leave this room for any reason. Not ever. Do you understand?” “No. But maybe more chocolate help Cornibus better understand.” “Ha-ha! You’re a crafty one!” I say, laughing and giving him another piece of chocolate. “I’m really glad you’re here. I’d probably get home sick and start to cry again if I didn’t have a demon around.”
Bomb “Are you ready?” “You bet,” I say. “What do I do?” “Listen carefully,” Torben says. “See that girl over there?” He points at Mr Rosenberg’s stall. There’s a person standing behind it, wiping the counter with a wet rag. Aha, so that’s a girl. Interesting. She seems about my age, unless I’m mistaken. The first girl I’ve seen up above. She seems sort of nice. “I thought there were only boys here,” I say, surprised. “That’s old Rosenberg’s niece,” Torben says. “She lives with him.” “And she’s really stupid,” the redhead says. “All girls are really stupid,” Cap agrees.
“Why?” I ask. “What did she do?” “Oh, nothing,” Torben mumbles. “She thrashed Torben at basketball,” the redhead says. “Even though she’s much smaller than he is.” “And a girl,” Cap adds. “She did not thrash me,” Torben snarls. “She was just lucky. No girl has ever thrashed me at basketball.” “Right,” says the redhead. “And that’s why you’re going to thrash her.” He hands me a balloon. “What’s in there?” I ask. “Water,” says Torben. “Are you any good at throwing?” “I think so,” I say. Sometimes, at home down below, I’d play skull rugby, and I was pretty good at throwing then. “Okay,” Torben says. “So go over there and throw the water bomb in that little brat’s face.” “Why?” I ask. “What do you mean, why?” Torben answers. “Because I say so.” “But she hasn't done anything to me,” I say. “So what?” Torben says. “I thought you wanted to learn how to be evil and join our gang. So don’t ask why. You wanted a test of courage, this is a test of courage.” “So throwing a water bomb at someone who’s not expecting it makes me courageous?” I insist. “What? No, but it’s evil,” Torben says, annoyed. “It’s only called a test of courage because … well, because that’s just what it’s called. So will you do it or not? And just to be clear, if you don’t, then in future you’ll have water bombs thrown in your face.” “Alright, I’ll do it, ok,” I say. “Should I throw it from here?” “Probably best if you get a little closer,” Torben says. “It has to be a direct hit.” “Okay,” I say, and slowly head towards the girl. But I still don’t really understand. I always thought you had to have a reason to be evil. But I have absolutely no reason to throw a water bomb in this girl’s face. I don’t even know her. Still, I’m going to do this thing. I’m the devil’s son, after all. I hide the water bomb behind my back and walk closer to the girl. She’s still wiping the counter. She looks at me. She smiles for a millisecond. Curses, what did she do that for? I can’t throw a water bomb at someone who’s smiling at me. I take a couple more steps closer. Now she’s smiling at me again. “Hello,” she says. “Can I get you anything?” And that too. She spoke to me. What do I do now? Throw the water bomb, or run? “Er … no thanks,” I say, and stand by the counter for a second. “I … I’m just going to stand around for a bit.” “You’re new here, right?” she asks. “Yes,” I say. “I only arrived yesterday.” “Vitus, right?” she says. “My uncle told me all about you. You buy an unhealthy amount of chocolate and pay with £50 notes.” “Yes, that’s me,” I say. “Though I can’t believe something as tasty as chocolate is actually unhealthy.” “I totally agree,” she says, and winks at me. “I’m Lilly by the way.”
She holds out her hand. I automatically pull my right hand out from behind my back to shake hers, forgetting that I’m holding the water bomb. “Oh, sorry,” I say. “What’s that?” she says. “A water bomb,” I answer, because I can’t think of anything else quickly enough. She glances over my shoulder at Torben and her expression darkens. “Let me guess,” she says. “For some inexplicable reason, you’ve become friends with those idiots and you’ve agreed to throw a water bomb at me.” “Yes, sorry,” I say. “In your face. Would you mind? You’d be doing me a huge favour.” “You’re very polite for someone who’s planning to throw a water bomb in my face,” Lilly says. “Why did you agree to do something so dumb? If that moron is set on watching me get a water bomb in my face then he should do it himself. But he wouldn’t dare, of course, the measly coward.” “Yes, well,” I say. “I did think it was a bit silly. But I have to learn how to be evil. That’s why I want to join their gang. And the whole thing with the water bomb is a sort of entrance test.” “What utter rubbish!” Lilly says. “Why should you learn how to be evil? It’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!” “Oh, it’s complicated,” I say. “It’s to do with my family. My Dad mainly. I want him to be proud of me. Maybe that way I get to go home sooner.” “Your Dad would be proud if you were evil? He sounds like a real devil.” Not a devil. The devil. But I can’t really say that. “Being evil is a sort of family tradition,” I say. “But somehow I'm not very good at it. That’s why it would be really nice if you would let me throw the water bomb in your face. The boys look like they’re starting to get restless.” “You want to be evil? I’ve got a much better idea,” Lilly says, grinning. She leans in and whispers something in my ear. Aha. Okay. Yes, that makes sense. “Got it?” Lilly says, and I nod. I take a couple of steps back and nestle the water bomb in the palm of my hand. Then I spin round and fire the thing straight at Torben. It’s a perfect throw. The balloon arcs down at exactly the right moment. Torben only realises what’s happening once it’s too late. He still has time to open his eyes wide with indignation as the bomb explodes full in his chest. A big, pitch-black stain spreads across his jumper. His face and his two friends get splashed with black too. No one else gets hit but everyone falls about laughing. “Are you insane?” Torben bawls. “That’s not what we agreed! This is oil! It’ll never come out! I might as well throw my jumper in the bin! You brain-dead moron!” “Sorry,” I say. “I didn’t know it was oil. You said it was water.” “It was supposed to be a surprise!” he wails. “It worked,” I say. “I’m pretty surprised. I really wasn’t expecting that. And your jumper looks way better now, I would leave it like that.” “Ha-ha, very funny!” Torben says. “I’ll make you pay for that!” “No problem,” I say. “I have money. How much do you want?” “Not with money!” he yells. “Some other way! I’ll make you pay in some other way! You’re really going to regret this, I promise!” “Don’t think so,” I say. “Why would I be sorry? It was funny. And it was evil. I thought you liked evil?” “Yes, but … not like this! You’re supposed to be evil to her, not to me!”
“Oh,” I say. “I thought the whole point was to be evil. But you’re saying it actually matters who you’re evil to?” “Yes, of course!” Torben answers. Ah. I didn’t know. But I’m still not sorry. It would have been way less funny if Lilly had got hit with the oil bomb. “Does this mean I can’t join your gang?” I ask Torben. “Join our gang? You really have got a screw loose! Torben says, stunned. Then he turns to his friends. “Guys! Let’s go!” The three boys trot off. Lilly comes out from behind the counter and stands next to me. “So, you’ve lost three fake friends,” she says, giggling. “Congratulations.” “You were right,” I say. “That was much nastier and way more fun. Best of all: I don’t feel the slightest bit guilty.” And I would have felt guilty if I’d thrown the bomb at Lilly – that felt all wrong from the start. “You might want to rethink the whole being evil thing,” she says. “I don’t think you’re cut out for it. You’re much too nice.”
Hypotabuse? “What’s going on? I ask. “Will it take long? I have homework to finish.” “Oh, look, the little swat,” Torben says. “Starts crying because he wants to do his homework. By the time we’re done, you’ll be lucky if you can still see much out of those pretty, blue eyes.” “I have black eyes,” I correct him. “So go on then. I’m curious to see if you’re actually capable of being evil, or whether you’re just cowards that pick on people weaker than you.” “We’re not cowards,” Torben snarls. “We’re just better than everyone else. Go on, grab him!” The redhead and Cap pounce and pin down my arms so that I can’t move. “Hold him tight,” Torben says. Then he pulls back an arm and rams it into my stomach with full force. Oh wow. I wasn’t expecting that. The pain, I mean. So that’s what raw violence feels like. It’s extremely effective, I have to admit. But it’s still totally cowardly, so not at all the kind of evil I want. “So … do you do this to … year 10s … who are two heads taller … than you … and not pinned down?” I ask. “No,” Torben says, with a cruel smile. “I’m not stupid.” He prepares to pull another punch. […] “Wait! Stop!” I yell, standing in front of Lilly and Aaron. “Before you beat us to a pulp, let me show you something! You’ll like it! And it won’t take long! You won’t be in any danger,” I tell Torben. “Take a couple of steps back if you want, I won’t even touch you.” “Hmm, okay. I'm curious to see,” Torben says and the three boys take a few steps back. How did it go? The Stiffs Dance? Yes, I remember now. I stand on one leg, wave my arms around like crazy, jut my head forward like a chicken, and jump around. “Good grief,” Torben says. “He wants us to laugh ourselves to death. Hasn’t worked though. It’s not funny, just really embarrassing.” “He’s right,” Lilly whispers from behind me. “You look completely ridiculous. If that’s some kind of trick then you need a lot of practice.” “Just wait,” I whisper back. Okay, now the incantation. Hopefully it’ll work – or I’ll end up looking a total fool.
“I dance on one leg alone!” I shout. “And all shall turn to stone!” “Oh and now he’s talking in rhyme,” Torben says. “I know what he’s trying to do. He wants to make us dizzy.” “I dance on one leg alone! And all shall turn to stone!” I repeat. “What are you trying to prove?” Torben asks. “That you can’t rap?” “I DANCE ON ONE LEG ALONE! AND ALL SHALL TURN TO STONE!” I shout as loud as I can. “What now?” Torben says. “Just because it’s louder doesn’t mean, mean … it’s … nece … ssarily … bett …” The last word catches in his throat. He’s not moving. I go up to him and wave a hand in front of his eyes. He doesn’t react. The redhead and Cap don’t move either. It worked! They’re all stiff as planks!” “What now? How long before it wears off?” “No idea,” I say. “It depends.” The book mentioned something about ten to twenty minutes. “I have an idea!” Lilly says. “Wait here! Back in a tick!” She runs off and heads towards the stairs. We quickly get to work. It’s quite hard to undress the boys and even harder to squeeze them into Lilly’s old clothes because they’re much too small, of course. Still, the results are well worth the effort – they look completely ridiculous in her little dresses, and we laugh so hard we can barely contain ourselves. “And now, the final touch,” Lilly says, pulling a pile of hair out of a plastic bag. “You went and cut someone’s hair off?” I ask, amazed. “No, of course not,” Lilly says. “Haven’t you heard of wigs? I still have them from Halloween last year. Which one for Torben? I say the mermaid hair!” Lilly puts wigs on the boys. I didn’t think it was possible, but now they look even more ridiculous. “And now, the most important bit,” Lilly says. She pulls her mobile phone out of her bag and starts taking pictures.
LUCIFER JUNIOR ONCE TO HELL AND BACK
Hell broken We should be hearing all sorts of different screams. But we don’t. All the screams sound equally tortured and terrible. And none of the doors have numbers. It’s impossible to tell which chamber is which. The heavy metal fans kneel in rows on the floor. Demons stand behind them, gaily whipping their backs. It is a form of punishment, of course. But it’s so … so boring. And unimaginative. It lacks any sort of personal touch. Anyone can use a whip. It doesn’t require any particular skill. I open the next door and find exactly the same scene. It’s the same in the other chambers. Everyone is being whipped. Which, of course, explains why all the screams sound the same. Uncle Gabriel is quite obviously behind all this. He always said we needed to economise, and you can’t get more economical than this. By having everyone whipped, he’s saving a ton on materials and can totally do away with the Creative Department. He’s very clever, my frugal dear uncle. But he has no sense of pride. Dad was always mega proud every time he opened a new chamber that used a particularly unusual form of punishment. For Dad, it wasn’t all about money. It was all about creating something extraordinary. That’s what made him so good at his job, and why it was always impossible to imagine this place without him. Until now. “Is everything okay?” Lilly says, when she sees my disappointment. “No,” I answer. “My uncle has turned hell into some run of the mill torture chamber. My father would never have agreed to this. We have to find him.” “That won’t be easy,” Aaron says. “If the demons couldn’t find him then he must be really well hidden. Hidden.” “I know,” I say with a sigh. “But we have to try.”
Cutie pies “What about you, Lilly?” Aaron asks. “Do you know what you want to be when you grow up? Grow up?” “No,” Lilly answers. “First I want to find out who and what I am right now. A demon? A human? Or a bit of both? It’s driving me crazy.” “We will find out,” I say. “If Steven’s plan works, and once the CEO has sorted things out down here, we’ll find my father, and he’ll definitely know who or what you actually are.” “I hope so,” Lilly says with a sigh. […] “Hold on … What’s that? Did you feel that?” Yes, I felt it too. The ground has started to shake. Gently at first, but it keeps getting stronger. The demons look at one another, confused. The shaking turns into a gentle rocking. But it’s not an earthquake. I know what an earthquake feels like, we often get them. The ground shakes more and more, and there’s a faint rumbling sound too. I’ve never heard anything like it down here. The rumbling gets louder as something gets closer. “What is that?” Lilly asks, scared. “No idea,” I say. “But it doesn’t sound good.” The rumbling turns into a sort of droning sound. It’s definitely coming from over there on the right. Everyone stares towards the top of the passageway. Something is coming closer without slowing down. Something big. And powerful. The noise is almost unbearable by the time a thick cloud of dust appears at the top of the passageway. Then I see it. Or better said: them. A giant herd of different kinds of animal galloping towards us. Rhinoceroses, hippopotami, lions, buffalo, gorillas, and small animals too, like deer, sheep and chimpanzees. Right at the front, a madly bellowing Tyrannosaurus Rex pounds towards us. I think I know who he is. The raging herd stampedes closer without stopping. The first demons fly up in a high arc. “Cornibus! We’re here!” I yell as loudly as I can, but he doesn’t seem to hear. It’s going to be close. I need to get the others to safety before they get trampled. Lilly is standing two steps away from me. Scared, she watches the herd of house demons storm closer. “Lilly!” I yell. “Grab my hand!” Lilly looks at me, shocked, and holds out her hand. But at that moment the animals reach us and drag us along. A rhinoceros rams into me and throws me into the air. First, I pound into the ceiling, then slam head first onto the floor. I crawl aside in a daze and press up against the wall. As I try to stand and look for the others, I’m whacked sideways by a polar bear’s backside. My head slams against the wall again. And the lights go out.
LUCIFER JUNIOR ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE
Madness! TOCK – TOCK – TOCK – TOCK Huh, what’s that? A woodpecker is sitting on the end of my nose, tapping its beak against my forehead. Of course, I recognise the woodpecker all too well – it has two tiny horns. TOCK – TOCK ... “Cornibus!” I complain. “Are you crazy? Stop! What are you doing?” “Wake up Lucie!” Cornibus croaks. “Dad come!” Suddenly, I’m wide awake. “Dad’s coming? Did you see him? Where?” “Boat. All way far. Cornibus dolphin. See Dad.” I look out across the sea. The sun is just coming up, and it looks amazing. I squint. He’s right. There really is a small boat far away on the horizon. “Are you sure it’s Dad?” I ask Cornibus. “Did you talk to him?” “Cornibus not rusted. Dad not like Cornibus.” It’s true that my father mostly finds Cornibus annoying and makes it quite obvious. But I think he’s fond of him really. “Trusted,” I say, correcting Cornibus. “But you’re sure it’s him?” “Cornibus sure. Sprayed Dad. Dad grumble. Only Dad grumble this way.” “Yes, I can imagine,” I say with a smile, and stare into the distance.
The small boat keeps getting closer. “Hey, wake up, sleepy heads!” I yell, shaking Lilly’s shoulder. “What?” she grumbles, sleepily. “Did we arrive?” “No,” I say, happily. “But my Dad did!” Lilly, Aaron and Gustav open their eyes and stretch, yawning. “Your father’s here? Where?” Lilly asks. “He’s on his way,” I say, pointing into the distance. “Cornibus found him. Will you come down to say hello? He’s going to be amazed!” When we stand up, the warm, blue lightning cage disappears. We climb down the ladder and out of the cabin to wait on the beach. “Does anyone have food?” Gustav asks. “I could really polish off a croissant.” “Cornibus too!” croaks the seagull flying over our heads. “Brush off croissant too!” “I have a couple of éclairs left,” I say, pulling a bag of pastries out of my backpack. We sit on a rock and eat the éclairs while the boat slowly gets closer. Fifteen minutes later, it’s so close that I can see who’s inside. It really is true! My father! My heart jumps around inside my chest and I can’t sit still any longer. I jump up and run towards the boat. “Dad!” I yell, waving both arms. “Dad!” “Lucie?” He stands up and sticks his head forward. “Lucie? Is that you?” he shouts, surprised. “Yes!” I say. “It’s me!” Dad jumps out of the boat and wades through the water toward me. “What a lovely surprise!” he says, happily. “What are you doing here?” “We were looking for you! You mustn’t ever hide again! Things are back to normal down in hell! We took care of Azrael!” “That Azrael!” he snarls. “You must tell me everything that happened!” We wade closer until at last we’re standing face to face. Dad reaches out and gives me a big hug. “My Lucie!” he says. “How wonderful that you’re here! I thought of you so often!” “I thought of you too, Dad,” I say, and hug him back, hard as I can. “You could have told me where you were hiding.” “I didn’t want to put you in any danger,” he says. “Azrael was right on my tail and I had to get away as quickly as possible. In any case, I hadn’t planned to be away this long. But it felt so good to do nothing … and after all, I haven’t had a holiday in over two thousand years. And it’s so beautiful here that I just wanted to stay a little while longer. How on earth did you find me?” “I had a lot of help,” I say, and point at the others on the beach. “These are my friends. They helped me fight Azrael down in hell.” “They went down below with you? They must be very good friends if they’re willing to follow you to hell!” “The best!” I say. Once we’re back on dry land, I introduce my father to the best friends in the whole world. “This is Aaron,” I say. “He has a few ticks, but isn’t scared of anything.” “Good day,” Aaron says, kicking my father in the shins. Oh no, I completely forgot! I hold my breath. Hopefully Dad won’t rip Aaron’s head off. My father’s expression doesn’t change, but I see the horns under his cap grow a little. “Sorry,” Aaron says quickly, and offers my father his hand. “I can’t help it though, it’s one of my ticks. Very pleased to meet you, Sir Devil. Devil.” “Hello, Aaron”, my father says smiling, and shakes Aaron’s hand. “Anyone who kicks the Prince of Darkness in the shins is quite obviously not scared of anything. I like that! Exceedingly
pleased to meet you too. Sir Devil sounds so formal though. Someone who kicks me in the shin and survives the experience must call me Lucifer.” Phew, that went well. “And this is Gustav,” I say. “You can always count on him, and he has the best ideas. They’ve saved us more than once.” “Hello, Gustav,” my father says, slapping him on the shoulder. “Thank you for helping Lucie. I’m very curious to hear how you dealt with Azrael.” Gustav blushes a little. He seems a little intimidated by my father. “And this is Lilly,” I say, pushing Lilly forward a little. “She’s really special. We don’t know why. She has demon blood and demonic powers. And when we touch, we have blue lightning powers. Not even Uncle Gabriel could tell us what it is or where it comes from.” “I was hoping you might be able to tell us, Sir,” Lilly says. “No need to call me Sir,” my father says, and shakes Lilly’s hand. “Blue lightning? That’s a new one. Mine is red. Demon blood, you say?” “Yes, lots of the cave dwellers saw it,” I answer. “Hmm, strange,” my father says, approaching Lilly. “May I lift you up?” Lilly nods. My father lifts her and drags her through the air in a circle, then throws her up three times, shakes her upside down and slowly licks her once across the face. Then he puts her back down. Lilly shakes herself off, sways a little, and then wipes a hand over her face in disgust. “So,” says my father. “Definitely has demon blood. But I can’t say more than that either, I’m afraid. I have no idea who or what Lilly is.” “I know!” The deep, scratchy voice makes us jump. We all turn at the same time. A figure appears from behind a rock. “The Hooded Man!” Gustav exclaims. It’s true. The Hooded Man comes closer. “Who is this?” my father asks. “Should I turn him into a jellyfish, or blow him up?” “No, no, that won’t be necessary!” the Hooded Man answers. “It’s just me.” He coughs and clears his throat. “Apologies,” he says. “My voice is a little hoarse. I got a cold spending the night out here.” I recognise the voice. But where from? He pulls off the hood. “Uncle Wolfram!” Lilly shouts, surprised. “You’re the Hooded Man?!” “Yes, my dear,” he says. “So sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to find out what you were planning and make sure you were safe.” “But … but how on earth did you find us?” Lilly wants to know. “We kept losing you.” “Sorry,” her uncle replies. “I didn’t know what else to do so I installed a tracking device on your mobile phone.” “You hacked into my mobile? I didn’t think you knew how,” Lilly says, surprised. “There’s so much you don’t know,” her uncle says. “Isn’t that right, Torsten?” Torsten? Who’s Torsten? I don’t see a Torsten anywhere around here. Lilly’s uncle gives my father a piercing stare. My father gets closer and looks at him suspiciously. “Wolfram?” he says after a while. “Wolfram Rosenberg? It’s not possible.” “Oh yes it is,” Lilly’s uncle says. “It’s been a while since we last saw one another, Torsten. Although, I should really call you Lucifer, right?” My father used to be called Torsten? I don’t understand. “You … you know one another?” Lilly asks, at least as confused as I am. “You … you know the devil?”
“Unfortunately, yes,” her uncle says. “Although at the time I didn’t realise he was the devil. I never could stand him.” “That’s true,” my father snarls. “You never wanted Lillian to be with me. But she always knew the truth about me,” my father says. “And she loved me anyway. And I loved her. I knew she was going to die. One of my Grim Reapers was by her hospital bed when Lucie was born. I don’t decide who lives and who dies. I couldn’t stop it from happening. All I could do was make sure that our son grew up with his father.” Hold on a minute. Did he just say Lucie? That’s me. I’m the son he’s talking about. I was born? I wasn’t just a lump of clay that got thrown against a wall? My whole world starts to spin. “You’re jumping ahead,” Lilly’s uncle says. “Lillian had another baby in her tummy. A daughter.” He points at Lilly. You what? I was inside a tummy? And Lilly was in there too? I don’t remember any of that. And wouldn’t it have been way too cramped? “Lucie … Lucie is my brother?” Lilly asks, gasping for breath. Seriously? Am I? Because we were both in the same tummy? I don’t really understand how all that human stuff works. “Your older twin brother, to be precise,” says Aaron. “Which explains a lot. A lot.” “Madness!” Gustav says, his jaw dropping. “This girl is my daughter?” my father says, stunned. “Lilly,” Lilly’s uncle says. “Her name is Lilly. I named her after her mother.” “I have a daughter?” my father says, and his face breaks into a smile. “I have a daughter!” First he grabs Lilly, then me, and hugs us both tight. “I have two children!” he says, happily. “That’s wonderful!” Lilly and I stare at one another in disbelief. […] “Crazy, right?” I say. “So I really am half demon! A devil, even! And we’re siblings. I have a brother. And you have sister.” “Yes. Totally freaky.” “I need to get used to the idea.” Me too. I have no idea what it means to have a sister. Is it a good thing, or a bad thing? Is a sister different than a best friend? I hope not. I like that Lilly’s my best friend, and don’t want that to change. “Well don’t get any funny ideas, just because you’re older than me,” Lilly says. “Nothing’s changed.” “That’s good,” I say, grinning.
LUCIFER JUNIOR A HELL OF A CHANGE
Smithereens I go to open the door to my room but realise it’s slightly ajar. Hmm, did I forget to close it properly? I’m usually really careful, because of Cornibus if nothing else. Of course, he could scarper any time he likes, but I try not to make it too easy. I put my ear against the door crack. Noises come from inside the room. Who on earth is in there? I slowly poke my head round the crack and carefully peer into the room. Someone is there, rifling through my nightstand drawer. It’s Lilly! What’s going on? I kick the door open and it slams against the wall. Lilly jumps back in fright. She sighs with relief when she realises it’s me. “Oh, it’s only you,” she says. “Don’t scare me like that.” “Oh, excuse me!” I say. “I didn’t mean to disturb you while you were going through my things!” “What are you doing here, anyway? Uncle Wolfram said you were on kitchen duty?” “I was, but I finished. The real question is, what are you doing here? In my room. Alone.” Now there’s a point. Where is Cornibus? I would have thought he’d raise the alarm if someone came into my room while I was out. The first time Aaron came into my room unannounced Cornibus turned himself into a tiger and practically ate him alive. What about now? Where is he? “Oh, I just wanted to drop by,” Lilly says, edging to one side. Ah, there he is. On the bed, in the shape of a sloth, stuffing a piece of chocolate down his gullet. It’s not my chocolate though; Lilly brought it.
“You wanted to drop by even though you knew I was on kitchen duty?” I ask. “And you happened to have ten bars of chocolate with you for Cornibus?” “Lilly here,” Cornibus says, slowly. “Bring chocoshlate.” “I can see that, Cornibus,” I say, accusingly. “Good to know you keep such great watch when I’m not here.” “Cornibus pleasure. Cornibus bestest watcher.” “Yes. So long as the enemy doesn’t come armed with chocolate,” I grumble. “Enemy? Why enemy?” Lilly asks, innocently. “I’m not an enemy, I’m your sister.” “Come on, don’t pretend,” I answer. “We both know why you broke in here and why you were searching through my things.” I pull the handbook out of my trouser pocket and hold it out. “This is why you’re here,” I say. Her arm snaps out and grabs the book. “Hey, are you crazy?” I shout and throw myself at her. I snatch hold of the book and we pull it back and forth between us. “Let go!” I yell. “No!” she yells back. “You let go!” We both keep tearing at the book. Suddenly small white flashes fly off the cover. They spread over our hands and the book turns really hot. “Let go!” I yell. “Something’s not right!” “You let go!” Lilly orders. “I’m not falling for your devilish tricks!” “It’s not a trick! Something not right! Let go, Lilly!” “I can’t!” she yells. “I’m stuck!” I try to let go of the book. But it’s true, I can’t; my fingers stay firmly glued to the book cover. The sparks get bigger and spread across our bodies. Suddenly, everything starts to swim in front of my eyes. It feels like I’m breaking into smithereens. Hold on, I know this feeling! I had it before with Rabbitfoot … But why … ? Everything in front of my eyes turns black. When I open them again, it takes a little while for things to come into focus. I blink a few times and see … myself. Oh no. I was right. This is the same thing that happened when I swapped bodies with Rabbitfoot. I’m inside Lilly’s body. And Lilly is inside mine. At least, I hope it’s Lilly. “What … What happened?” I hear myself say. I look at Lilly. That is, myself. It’s all extremely unsettling. “I don’t know,” I reply. “We swapped bodies. But I didn’t even say the incantation. It must have been the book. By itself, by accident.” “It … it feels really weird.”
No going back “But what does it mean? What happens when the Countdown hits zero?” “If you don’t know either, then I guess we’ll find out in one day, eight hours and a few minutes. I suspect it won’t be anything good though. But it doesn’t matter, we’ll sort that out this afternoon. For now, you have to go to school for me. Here, I prepared this for you, spent half the night on it.” She gives me a stack of paper. “Everything you need to know is in there,” she explains. “My school timetable, the names of my teachers, a plan of the different rooms, how to get to school and
a few notes on various people who might talk to you. It would be great if you could read and memorise this on the way there.” “You want me to read and walk at the same time? That sounds risky.” “You’ll live. At least read the first page, so you know how to get there. You can read the rest secretly in class. But don’t get caught. Miss Smith already watches me like a hawk during Biology.” “Don’t worry, I’ll manage,” I say. “Do I need to look out for anything in particular?” Lilly wants to know. “Erm … no idea,” I reply. “Don’t speak don’t participate in class. That was always my speciality, according to Woodapple. Just ask Aaron and Gustav about anything else, they’ll help.” “Okay, I will. Let’s hope it all goes well. So you’ll come straight up to your room after school? You finish at three, eat lunch at school, everything’s in the notes.” “Got it, will do,” I say. “Oh, and give me my mobile. It should be in the inside pocket. I totally forgot yesterday.” I pull the mobile phone out of the pocket and hand it to her. “You know the way?” Lilly asks. “Past the playing fields.” “Yes. See you this afternoon.” “Right. And if you see Chiara, feel free to turn her into a cockroach and step on her.” She winks at me with a grin. “Very funny,” I say, grinning back. “How will I recognise her?” “Blonde, very thin, red glasses. She mostly wears a ponytail. The most horrid girl in the school playground. Best keep your distance if you do clap eyes on her though. It’ll only end in tears.” “Got it, will do.”
Three-meter clearance So, I got through the first two hours of class without any hiccups, and the bell has just rung for break. “I’d like three of those rolls,” I say to the man behind the window when I get to the top of the queue. “And five chocolate bars. Plus two bottles of that. You know what, give me five rolls while we’re at it, I’m absolutely starving.” “What’s the plan?” The voice comes from behind me. “Do you want to eat your head lice into obliteration?” I turn around. There’s a girl behind me. Ponytail, blonde, scrawny, red glasses – it’s not how I pictured her, but this must be Chiara. Lilly said I should keep my distance. Unfortunately, that’s not how things worked out. “I don’t have head lice,” I say. “As you know.” “That’s what I’d say if I was in your shoes,” she replies. “But the state of your hair says different. The head lice seem to have had a ball up there last night. Ever heard of such a thing as a hairbrush? Or shampoo? It helps. Especially against head lice.” “I don’t have head lice,” I growl, because this Chiara girl is really starting to annoy me. I mean, what the heck? What does she get out of repeating the same thing over again when it isn’t even true? I don’t get it.
“Wrong,” she replies, while the man behind the counter sells her a bottle of water. “You definitely have head lice. What you clearly don’t have is money to buy food. But maybe that’s a good thing. You’re too fat as it is.” Am I? Erm, I mean, is Lilly? I never noticed. Who decides what too fat is? And does it really matter? I think Chiara is way too thin. Her arms and legs are so scrawny they look like they’ll snap, and that’s dangerous. Maybe she doesn’t have money to buy food either, and that’s why she’s so horrid, because she’s hungry all the time? I slip a hand into one of Lilly’s pockets and pull out a fistful of cornflakes. “Here,” I say, offering them to her. “Help yourself, I have plenty.” “Yew,” she squeals in disgust. “What is that?” “Cornflakes,” I say. “Fresh from this morning. They’re not as tasty as chocolate, but they’re filling.” “You have cornflakes in your trouser pocket?” she says, horrified. “That’s gross, you can’t eat those.” “Of course I can,” I say. “Here, watch.” I stuff a handful of cornflakes into my mouth. Some stick to my hand so I just lick them off with my tongue. “See?” I say, chewing. “Ts really eashy. Want shome? I have loadsh.” I pull another handful from my trouser pocket and hold them out. “Erm … no thanks,” she says, pulling out her mobile phone. “If there’s one thing I really don’t want it’s sweaty, squished cornflake crumbs. I thought you only had head lice, but apparently you’re also suffering from some truly foul eating problem. I have to document this.” She points her mobile at me. Oh, okay, she wants to take a picture of me. How did it go? Gustav explained it to me recently, how you have to smile when you’re having your picture taken. Which isn’t very easy when you have a full mouth, but I manage. “Wash vat a good picshure?” I ask. “Perfect,” Chiara says, grinning and tapping her mobile. “Can I shee?” “You will soon enough, on WhatsApp. So will everyone else.” Oh, the picture turned out so well she wants to share it right away? That’s exciting, Lilly will be really pleased, I’m sure. “Gweat!” I say, and give her the thumbs up. “Thanks!”
Hasty decisions “Right again, Vitus!” says Woodapple. “You’re starting to worry me. You participate more in class, are clearly learning and, on top of that, have a new outfit so even look like a whole different person. Although I'm not sure … garish … is really your thing.” The sound of giggling fills the classroom. Yes, my little act of revenge worked. Even though I didn’t fix a new hairstyle because it was too much effort this morning. Still, it made a nice change not to fuss about my hair. And everyone still laughed when I came into the classroom. I’ll bet anything that as soon as it’s break the mobile phones will come out and people will start snapping. Lucie will finally know what it feels like. Excellent. That is, assuming we sort out the whole body swap situation – otherwise the whole thing will have been a bit of an own goal.
“Overall, I’m in favour of your transformation,” Woodapple says. “Keep it up.” “Best not get used to it,” Gustav says. “It could all change very quickly, from one day to the next even. Suddenly, the old Vitus will be back.” “That almost sounds like a threat,” Woodapple says, laughing. “Speak of the devil …” Hi, hi, wouldn’t it be funny if Dad did actually appear? “Right, so that’s all for today’s history lesson, it’s almost break,” Woodapple says. “For your homework, please read the next chapter in the book. I’ll see you later for maths.” The bell rings just as he finishes talking, and everyone storms outside. By the time I get to the playground with Aaron and Gustav, a few mobile phone cameras are already clicking. Just secretly, of course. No one actually stands in front of me with a mobile phone drawn – cowards are the same wherever you find them. “Before I forget,” I say, handing Aaron my mobile. “Would you take a little souvenir photo for Lucie? He should get some fun out of this too.” “Are you sure your camera can take the strain?” Gustav says, grinning. “Those clothes need a deadly weapons licence. If I look at you for too long, my head is likely to explode.” “It could happen,” says Aaron, taking a few steps back. “It’s almost as though you hate your brother. Brother.” “What? No, not at all,” I answer. “I love my brother, even though we haven’t known each other long. But don’t you think he deserves this small revenge, after how he messed up my body?” “Well,” Aaron says. “I think revenge is only justified when a person has done something on purpose. You can accuse Lucie of being thick, naïve and gullible, but he didn’t mean it, that’s for sure. For sure.” Humph. I know he’s right. But I have to get my revenge on someone. And no one let me turn Chiara into a cockroach. Plus Lucie made things much, much worse. I don’t care whether or not he meant to. He deserves this little punishment, as far as I’m concerned. With any luck he’ll learn from it. “Oh, just take the picture,” I snarl at Aaron. “It’s just a bit of harmless fun. I’ll change out of the clothes after lunch.” Aaron points the camera at me and takes two pictures. “Here,” he says, handing back the phone. “Something just buzzed. Buzzed.” Uh-oh. No. Please no. Over the last two days that sound has meant nothing but trouble. Surely Lucie hasn’t gone and … ? I open WhatsApp. A picture pops up. “I’M GOING TO KILL HIM!! I explode. “I SWEAR, I’M GOING TO RIP HIM APART WITH MY OWN HANDS …” Gustav covers my mouth with his hand. “Stay calm,” he says. “Not here.” I look around to see that everyone in the school playground is staring at me. I nod to show that I won’t shout again. We move away to find a quieter corner. “What’s he done now?” Gustav asks. I hold up the mobile so that he and Aaron can see. “Woah!” Aaron says. “Is that his bum? Bum?” “No,” I snarl. “That’s my bum. My naked bum.” “But why’s he pointing it at the camera?” Gustav wonders. “That’s what I’d like to know,” I snarl. “And did you see what he’s wearing? It’s the pirate costume I wore last Halloween. The trousers are much too short and that shirt is horrible. I didn’t even know I still had that stuff.”
“Stop moving,” Gustav says. “I can’t read what it says underneath.” “It says: Ever seen a louse from behind?” I growl. “And do you know what my answer to that is? Ever seen a squashed cockroach from above?” I turn around and stomp towards the main door. Aaron and Gustav follow me. “What’s your plan?” Gustav wants to know. “To do what I’ve wanted to do for a long time,” I say. “I'm going to get the book, turn her into a cockroach and step on her.”
Sample Translation by Larisa Villar Hauser larisa.villarhauser@gmail.com