Real Life My wife is never coming

Dominic and Gill fi rst met when they worked in the Navy

The couple planned to renew their vows

My wife is NEVER

COMING BACK

Gill Cardall was the life of her family. Here, her husband, Dominic, explains the heartbreak of having to watch the woman he loves disappear

Ihave often heard men describe their wives as their ‘better half’, and for me, this couldn’t be more fi tting. My wife, Gill, was the eff ervescent soul people fl ocked to at parties, she was the one who organised our family, a confi dant and support. But in the last few years, the woman I know and adore has started to fade away, and though I’ll love her forever, there’s nothing I can do. Gill and I met at a work Christmas party back in 1984. We both worked in the Navy, Gill, 22, as an offi cer’s assistant, me, 21, as a fuel engineer. It sounds like a cliche, but it was as close as you can get to love at fi rst sight. I instantly fell for her infectious personality – she was always making jokes, everyone loved her – and her boundless energy. We wrote letters while I was on deployment, and two years later, in August 1986, we became husband and wife.

After deciding to leave the Navy, we bought a house in Plymouth, and our daughter, Emily, was born in 1989, followed by Georgia in 1993. Though I may have felt apprehensive about becoming a dad, Gill was a natural, guiding me along our journey through parenthood.

She made everything look so easy, from dealing with tantrums to organising street parties. And when it came to birthdays and Christmases, each one was more magical than the last. She was a super mum.

That's why, in 2015, I knew something was wrong. Gill, then 51, became muddled over words and phrases and she didn’t seem like herself. Back from a holiday that May, she asked me to get her bag from the car. Only, instead of using the word ‘car’, she repeatedly said ‘carton’. At fi rst, I’d thought she was joking. ‘What are you on about?’ I laughed. But she was adamant she was right, that the word was ‘carton’ and not ‘car’. A month later, Georgia, then 19, told us that she’d passed an important university exam. I was waiting for Gill to jump out of her seat, to bundle Georgia into her arms for a cuddle as she shrieked with joy, her usual response to a moment like this.

I was ready for her to start organising celebrations. Only, Gill simply sat there, a blank look across her face. She didn't even say ‘congratulations’. It broke Georgia’s heart. She couldn't understand why her mum had reacted like this. And I didn’t either. I tried to ask Gill what was wrong, why hadn’t she said anything, still she seemed blank faced, it was like she didn’t hear us. By the September, I was getting more worried, so I called Gill’s offi ce where she worked in admin, to see if they’d noticed anything was wrong. To my surprise, they’d been meaning to call me, as Gill ‘I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG’

Real Life

Gill was fading by the time Georgia graduated from uni

had been making a lot of mistakes. She d become confused, sent out the wrong information or used the wrong words in emails. None of this was like Gill. She was always so organised.

That’s when I insisted we went to see the GP. But after a fi rst round of tests, everything seemed to be fi ne with Gill’s health. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something more sinister was happening to my wonderful wife.

A diagnosis Referred to Salford Royal’s Cerebral Function Unit for further tests in December 2015, I hoped we’d get answers. And when a specialist agreed with me something was wrong with Gill, more tests were carried out.

‘Unfortunately, you have progressive non-fl uent aphasia,’ the doctor explained gently. It was a type of dementia that would only get worse, and eventually aff ect Gill’s ability to care for herself. ‘No, I’m sure it’s just something aff ecting my speech,’ Gill told the doctor defi antly. But after witnessing the changes in Gill over the last few months, I knew the diagnosis was defi nitive. I did my best to reassure Gill that everything would be OK, tried to talk her round to understanding it was dementia, but still she wouldn’t accept it – and I knew with time, things would get worse. Part of me was relieved that we knew what we

‘SHE NEVER SAID SHE WAS SCARED’ ere up against now. Yet, as I began to sk more questions and researched nline, I realised how much this

agnosis would begin to aff ect both our ves, and our daughters’ lives.

I gave up my work as a project engineer most instantly and became Gill’s carer. n the months that followed her

agnosis, her speech and parts of her memory continued to

eteriorate, and by August 016, the month we were meant to renew our edding vows, she ouldn’t say a word. could see that she

anted to, she would stare

her page and then at me, but I knew he couldn’t work it out. It was upsetting, ut the girls stayed strong and promised o read her vows for her.

Determined as ever, we still went head with our renewal, still dancing to ur song Lovely Day by Bill Withers, and nsuring every moment was captured on amera – making important memories r Emily and Georgia. Soon after losing her speech, Gill lost er ability to use her hands and couldn’t ven write down what she wanted to say. But in all that time, she never once said she was scared. I know that, deep down, she must have been, and there were times where she’d cling to me tighter, but Gill was never one to admit defeat.

Soon, she struggled to walk and needed a wheelchair. Everything happened so quickly. By November 2017, she needed help getting dressed and needed her food cut up for her. All those years s after us, now we had to care for her. We converted our dining room into a bedroom and bathroom, and with help from our local hospital, we installed lifts and pulls to be able to get her in and out of bed. We even had to use money we’d saved for retirement and travelling to buy a new car that was big enough for her wheelchair. Now, when I think back to fi ve years ago, when Gill and I would speak about retirement or planning holidays away, I can’t believe how dramatically our lives have changed.

The girls help out wherever they can but they are leading their own lives and I want them to be as happy as me and their mum were for so many years.

In August 2019, Emily, now 30, got married, and while Gill, now 55, was at the wedding, she probably has no recollection of that day. She’s lost to us forever I still sometimes see glimpses of my wonderful wife – her smile when they play our song on the radio, her mimicking the ‘ooo’ sound when I say ‘I love you’.

I know, deep down, we’ll never get the old Gill back, she’s lost to us forever. I just hope that our story might help others get a diagnosis sooner because there might be more doctors can do – and, if not, at least you’ll enjoy every second while you still can. At fi rst, we were sure she was just getting muddled, but don’t be so quick to dismiss traits that could be a sign of something far more serious.

No matter what’s happened to Gill, and what our future holds, I have always

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MOTIVATIO

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alth & Wellbeing

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