Ask The Experts Relationship, family

EXPERTS

Solve your family dilemmas with expert advice Ask SUZIE

HE HIT HIM! Q My son and his lovely wife have two young children, who we see a lot. Last week, the eldest, a bright and normally happy boy, fl inched when I hugged him and I discovered he had bruises on his back. His other grandfather had smacked him. I don’t know what any child, let alone a fi ve-year-old, could have said to merit that sort of beating. Her parents are from a culture where it’s not just acceptable but considered the right thing to do. What can they do to stop this?

Suzie says A I know that in some cultures it is still believed that to spare the rod is to spoil the child. But it doesn’t matter if it’s a cultural norm –you know it is wrong, abusive

A grandparent’s role is to nurture, not punish

This goes against our beliefs Ask the and cruel. Perhaps being told by their daughter that a) she doesn’t agree with this, b) she will no longer tolerate it and c) the child is growing apart from them, might change their behaviour even if it does not change their beliefs. I suggest you sit down with your son and your daughter-in-law, express sympathy for the fact that this is something her parents believe in but off er support in stopping it. If nothing else, they can point out if those bruises were seen by anyone else, the police would be called and that’s a fact. In the end, they have the advantage –if it continues, then say the children will not see her parents without supervision. Q We’re good friends with a couple on our lane –their son often comes to play in our garden. We love seeing them. But we have a dilemma. She’s pregnant and has asked us to be godparents. I explained that we weren’t religious and might fi nd it diffi cult. She’s so disappointed –she says we’re such a part of their family she’d like to make it ‘offi cial’! What should we do? Suzie says A It might depend on her religious advisor. I agree that few people keep the formal promises you make as a godparent, but that’s no reason to be a hypocrite by saying them knowing you won’t. They may belong to a church that has a realistic approach and will allow you to be ‘supporters’ rather than godparents, and accepted in the family without making promises to bring the child up in that religion. Even if her church won’t do that, why not suggest your own ritual instead, where you promise to be there for her child and to be special people to them, for life. GET IN CONTACT Write to Suzie at Family Dilemmas, 161 Marsh Wall, London E14 9AP, or you can send an email with your personal problem to asksuzie@ti-media.com; You can also write to Dr Philippa, Linda and Susan at the postal address above or send them an email with your problem to woman@ti-media.com

WHY IS SHE COMPLAINING? Q We recently moved into a second-fl oor fl at. Within a day the neighbour under us began to ring us and post us notes complaining of noise. She says we move furniture around at all hours. We haven’t moved a thing since we moved in! She says we play music too loud, or have parties or have sex too loudly. She once rang us in the small hours waking us out of deep sleep to say that.

Suzie says

AShe’s either lonely, anxious or deluded. You could try to be friendly and once she’s got to know you, the complaints may stop. If they don’t then you have two tacks. Keep a log of the times she makes complaints and what actually was happening. Then, you could just ignore her. Or, you could write to her listing her complaints and your riposte. Tell her if she continues, you will be forced to consult a solicitor. Being kind tends to work better. PHOTO (POSED BY MODELS): GETTY

Ask DR PHILIPPA

Woman’s GP Dr Philippa Kaye answers your questions

Dealing with hiccups Q I get hiccups all the time, especially after drinking fi zzy drinks. What are hiccups and why do they happen?

Philippa says A Hiccups are extremely common, if often extremely annoying! They are involuntary contractions of the diaphragm, the sheet of muscle underneath your lungs involved in breathing. If the diaphragm is irritated for some reason, for example a stomachful of gassy liquid, it involuntarily contracts, causing the hiccups. Hiccups actually start in the womb, from about nine weeks of pregnancy and it’s thought that as babies hiccup, there are changes in the brain that may help the baby’s brain to learn to control the diaphragm. But if you have intractable hiccups –where hiccups are constant and don’t go away –please do see your doctor to fi nd a cause and hopefully a treatment.

MY GP WON’T GIVE ME MORE MEDS Q I was given some zopiclone tablets by the doctor but they aren’t working. Why won’t he give me more or a stronger dose?

Philippa says A Zopiclone is a sleeping tablet and all sleeping tablets are very addictive, which is why your GP won’t give you more. They also stop working, or don’t work as well, after a couple of weeks meaning that you feel you need a bigger dose. Your doctor is unlikely to keep prescribing them, instead they would gradually decrease them. It would also be helpful to look at your sleep hygiene; do you take your phone to bed or nap in the day?

Should I avoid eating after 8pm? Q I thought a calorie is a calorie, that it would make no difference if I ate a chocolate bar in the morning or evening, the calories would count the same. But some of my friends swear by not eating after 8pm for their weight. Does this work?

Philippa says A Calories are indeed the same, no matter what time you eat them; a chocolate bar doesn’t have fewer calories if consumed in the morning compared with the evening! It may be that not eating at night helps your friends maintain their weight as they are simply eating less over the 24-hour period by not eating at night. However, a recent study has found that the more a woman eats after 6pm, the greater the risk she has of developing heart disease, so there may be something else to your friends’ theories.

I’M NOT SURE IF WEIGHTLIFTING IS RIGHT FOR US Q My partner and I have started being much more active, walking more and even going to the gym to do the rower, running machine or bike. My husband wants to start lifting weights. He is 52, is this a good idea?

Philippa says A Absolutely! The current guidance is not just for cardiovascular aerobic activity such as walking, but also two sessions of strengthening or resistance training each week, which can be as simple as carrying your shopping bags. A recent study showed that pumping iron, in middle age and beyond, can reduce your risk of having a heart attack or stroke. In the study, those in the top third of muscle mass were about a fi fth as likely to have heart disease as those in the bottom third. It is thought that weight lifting stops the decline in muscle mass that occurs as we get older, and this may promote heart health. So yes, it is a good idea but as always, start slowly and ask for advice from a trainer at the gym as to how to use the machines.

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WAYS TO BOOST YOUR HEALTH THIS WEEK The scientists have spoken! Try these easy ways to achieve a happier, healthier life

Shoop,

shoop! If you’re planning a ski trip this season and are a beginner, then rest assured it’ll help burn the calories. Research* has found that a day of skiing or boarding lessons can burn between 2,000-2,400 calories. Enough for a glass of wine and fondue, then!

Try eco-kindness You might be surprised to hear that some plasters contain micro fi bres that can take a long time to break down. Patch Strips (£6.99, Superdrug and Holland & Barrett) are entirely compostable and plastic-free.

Cook up an

alternative Want to eat healthier in 2020? You may want to try a new grain. Fonio is a West African grain that’s glutenfree and cooks in three mins, making it a new alternative to quinoa or rice. You can even make hearty brekkie porridge with it.

Ask MARTIN

MoneySavingExpert.com’s Martin Lewis will save you £££s

How to slash hundreds off your energy bill

Use comparison sites to fi nd the best deals for your home

You could save even ifyou stay put

Are you ripping yourself off ? At least 11 million people in the UK are overpaying on their energy bills, usually by £100s a year. Sorting it is one of the biggest and easiest savings you can make –yet the majority still don’t do it. More so, even if you’re scared of switching fi rms, right now you may be able to save £100s and stick with your existing provider. So as we’re in the core of winter, carpe diem (translation: get off your bum and try to give it a go). Are you one of the 11m massively overpaying? Anyone who’s with a big six company –British Gas, E.ON, EDF, Npower, Scottish Power and SSE –and is on their standard tariff (which is almost everyone who hasn’t switched in the last year). Even if you’re not, as prices have dropped rapidly in the last year, many can still save. One big issue here is that many people assume energy companies have one price. They don’t. They can have lots of diff erent tariff s –yes, that does literally mean they charge diff erent people totally diff erent amounts for the same thing. So the key is to ensure you’re one of those being charged less, not more. To prove the point, those on British Gas and EDF standard tariff s, as I write this, are

paying around the price cap

fi gure of £1,178 a year –

for typical use (if you use

more or less, you’ll pay

more or less roughly

in proportion). You can’t just get Gas, EDF and E.ON, are only

Yet both providers these deals –you have

available via comparison

have another tariff at to do it the right way. sites. You can’t just call up the

under £900 a year, for the same use, and they’re fi xed deals –so you know for a year the rate won’t rise. That means it’s £280 a year cheaper for the same gas, same electricity, Energy fi rms don’t just move you to their cheaper deals. These are generally reserved for pro-active switchers. This is all about using a comparison site like fi rm and ask for it. Switching and saving tends to beat sticking and saving My point here isn’t that

same safety and same service my cheapenergyclub.co.uk you should stick with your

–just a different price. And –which is whole of market existing provider. Generally

better still, both these tariff s (and includes a ‘stick with my the best thing is to do a

allow not only new customers, existing provider’ fi lter). It comparison. Often you’ll fi nd

but existing ones too, to get also gives £25 cashback per it’s fi rms you’ve not heard of

them –as long as you do it the dual fuel switch, which you with no customer service

right way. wouldn’t get direct –or via track record that come top as

Of course those willing to any ofgem.gov.uk approved they’re trying to build market

move company can save even comparison sites. For share. But scroll down, there

more. Currently, the cheapest Northern Ireland, are lots of mid-sized fi rms

deals on the market are use consumercouncil.org.uk. with really good ratings and

around £830 a year for typical usage. So if you’re willing to switch fi rms, move to that

There are two reasons to do this:

really cheap prices. Don’t worry if you’re short of info to do a comparison.

and you could be paying £350 a year less. On the back of me talking

1There is no one cheapest provider. Your cheapest depends on where you live Even if you just know your address and existing provider’s name, you can do

about this on telly, the other and how much you use. A it. Of course it’ll be more

day Melanie got in contact to comparison site works it out accurate if you have your

say: ‘Just watched Martin for you and tells you the exact tariff details and

Lewis and did an energy exact saving. can plug your usage in

PHOTOS: GETTY comparison. By staying with my supplier, I can save £355 a year. Thank you.’ 2 Some (though not all) cheap tariff s –including the cheapest from British too, but if you don’t know, the comparison site will estimate it for you. ✱ Get Martin’s FREE tips and money-off vouchers emailed directly to you each week by signing up at moneysavingexpert.com/latesttip

Expert solutions for your sex and relationship dilemmas Ask SUSAN

She made a move Q I’m a single man whose best male friend lives with his sister. I don’t fancy her, but she tried to kiss me and I didn’t break off so as not to reject her. Last weekend it happened again, so now I’m not keen to visit but my friend wonders why. Advice, please!

Susan says A You don’t need to explain anything to your friend. But you do need to explain to his sister,

IT’S A HAIRY SITUATION! Q I’ve been on several dates with a man, but when we started taking clothes off, I was nauseated by his shape and body hair and I left without going further. Now he wants another date. I like him but I can’t imagine wanting to make love. Do I carry on?

Susan says A If you had only a few doubts, I’d see this man again. Because often, sexual feelings shift as you relax. But your reaction to his appearance is so strong that I’m guessing nothing would make you desire him, and that if you saw him again, you’d likely end up fending him off . Make your excuses and exit nicely. because I suspect she’s confused. She probably thinks your response to her kiss meant you liked it, which is why she did it twice. So explain clearly that you aren’t in the market for a relationship right now. And when you explain, be kind or she’ll get embarrassed at having jumped you. Then move your relationship back to where it was, visiting regularly but keeping things light and friendly and avoiding any physical contact. She’ll get the message.

Will I forget how to please myself? Q My partner really gets off on seeing me touch myself. He especially likes to be in control, telling me what to do and when to climax. I fi nd it hot, but worry I’ll forget how to get myself off and will only be able to when we’re playing this game.

Susan says A Don’t worry! You certainly won’t forget how to pleasure yourself. However, don’t limit yourself to masturbating only when you are with your partner and you are following his instructions. It’s good to have a variety of sensations –and what you feel when you’re in control will be very diff erent to what you feel when he is in control, telling you what to do. So take time to pleasure yourself just for yourself, and do it when you want to. And enjoy both experiences –the ones without him as well as the ones with him!

I’M A VIRGIN BUT HE DOESN’T BELIEVE IT Q I know I’m unusual but, though I’ve had great sexual experiences, I’ve never had intercourse. So when I met my fi ancé, I warned him that fi rst sex would be painful and I’d bleed. But it wasn’t and I didn’t. And though he seemed relaxed about that, I’m worried he thinks I lied about my sexual history. How do I reassure him?

Susan says A I’m not sure you need to reassure your partner. He probably knows that most women who’ve had ‘great sexual experiences’, or even those who have led generally active lives, are likely to have stretched the entrance to their vagina. And that would mean that fi rst sex isn’t painful and that there’s no bleeding involved. If you want to mention this, do –to reassure yourself. But I’m sure he won’t be concerned.

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SIGNS YOU’RE LUSTING INAPPROPRIATELY

You really like your best friend’s husband, your married colleague, your manager. But you’re not tempted by him. Or are you? Check these signs of inappropriate lust.

Physical response We all appreciate a good-looking man. But if you’re experiencing active arousal while with him, that’s a danger signal. Mentally take control of your desire rather than getting hooked in.

Mental obsession Occasionally thinking about a man is normal. Thinking about him every few minutes is worrying. Get things in perspective by actively listing the things you don’t like or the ways he’s disappointed you before.

Social possessiveness Do you feel jealous if he doesn’t pay you attention? Do you guard your every conversation with him against interruption? You may need to actually reduce contact in order to get him out of your system.