Ask SUZIE
HE HIT HIM!
A grandparent’s role is to nurture, not punish
Q
My son and his lovely wife have two young children, who we see a lot. Last week, the eldest, a bright and normally happy boy, flinched when I hugged him and I discovered he had bruises on his back. His other grandfather had smacked him. I don’t know what any child, let alone a five-year-old, could have said to merit that sort of beating. Her parents are from a culture where it’s not just acceptable but considered the right thing to do. What can they do to stop this?
Suzie says
A
I know that in some cultures it is still believed that to spare the rod is to spoil the child. But it doesn’t matter if it’s a cultural norm – you know it is wrong, abusive and cruel. Perhaps being told by their daughter that a) she doesn’t agree with this, b) she will no longer tolerate it and c) the child is growing apart from them, might change their behaviour even if it does not change their beliefs. I suggest you sit down with your son and your daughter-in-law, express sympathy for the fact that this is something her parents believe in but offer support in stopping it. If nothing else, they can point out if those bruises were seen by anyone else, the police would be called and that’s a fact. In the end, they have the advantage – if it continues, then say the children will not see her parents without supervision.
This goes against our beliefs
Q
We’re good friends with a couple on our lane – their son often comes to play in our garden. We love seeing them. But we have a dilemma. She’s pregnant and has asked us to be godparents. I explained that we weren’t religious and might find it difficult. She’s so disappointed – she says we’re such a part of their family she’d like to make it ‘official’! What should we do?
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arsh Wall, ily Dilemmas, 161 M m Fa at e zi Su to e Writ ail with you can send an em ; London E14 9AP, or ksuzie@ti-media.com as to m le ob pr al on your pers Susan Philippa, Linda and Dr to e rit w so al n You ca an email s above or send them es dr ad al st po e th at ia.com to woman@ti-med with your problem 42
WOMAN
Suzie says
A
It might depend on her religious advisor. I agree that few people keep the formal promises you make as a godparent, but that’s no reason to be a hypocrite by saying them knowing you won’t. They may belong to a church that has a realistic approach and will allow you to be ‘supporters’ rather than godparents, and accepted in the family without making promises to bring the child up in that religion. Even if her church won’t do that, why not suggest your own ritual instead, where you promise to be there for her child and to be special people to them, for life.
WHY IS SHE COMPLAINING?
Q
We recently moved into a second-floor flat. Within a day the neighbour under us began to ring us and post us notes complaining of noise. She says we move furniture around at all hours. We haven’t moved a thing since we moved in! She says we play music too loud, or have parties or have sex too loudly. She once rang us in the small hours waking us out of deep sleep to say that.
Suzie says
A
She’s either lonely, anxious or deluded. You could try to be friendly and once she’s got to know you, the complaints may stop. If they don’t then you have two tacks. Keep a log of the times she makes complaints and what actually was happening. Then, you could just ignore her. Or, you could write to her listing her complaints and your riposte. Tell her if she continues, you will be forced to consult a solicitor. Being kind tends to work better.
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