FAMILY

health &FAMILY

WHAT TO DO WHEN SIBLING TENSION SPILLS INTO ADULTHOOD Sister act

Our siblings can provide great joy, love and memories throughout our lives, but it’s normal to have difficulties with a brother or sister from time to time. Psychologist Dr Lissa Johnson says sibling issues are common, but you can improve your family dynamic, even when reconciliation is more difficult than you’d imagined. YOU DON’T GET ALONG Our childhoods and the way we were raised shape how we see and behave in the world as adults. Studies show we’re sensitive to how we were treated in relation to our siblings from a year old. So sibling rivalry is real, starts young and may never end. As grown-ups, it’s natural for any competitiveness, conflicts or emotional pain to simmer beneath the surface –and sometimes out in the open. “Family dynamics run deep and become ingrained,” Lissa says. IF THE PAST CATCHES UP As you get older, you’re faced with new or more complicated scenarios that can trigger those same emotions from your childhood and adolescence. For instance, discussing aged-care facilities for a parent might bring out a sibling’s controlling ways, or ironing out a financial problem could remind you of how much a sibling buries their head in the sand when it comes to important issues. Despite the emotional damage these problems can cause, Lissa says it’s rare for siblings to seek professional help together to bury the hatchet. “There isn’t a cultural template to help siblings through this, like there is with couples therapy,” she says. “Instead, people tend to seek help privately and try to work it out on their own later on.” However, if relations have been strained between you and your brother or sister for years, working through those problems with a professional could be very beneficial. YOU’LL REGRET A BUST-UP There’s no denying family gatherings can bring out the good, the bad and the ugly for siblings. It can also throw everyone back into their old childhood roles – but now

New Zealand Woman’s Weekly that everyone’s grown up, parents aren’t always in a position to play referee! Lissa suggests you try to avoid going in with a “glasshalf-empty” approach in which you expect the worst from someone, even if previous get-togethers have been tricky. TALKING POINTS If you’re determined to end a feud, consider your approach. While a formal, “Can we catch up to talk?” scenario may be needed if you’re not regularly in touch, a more relaxed discussion is often ideal. “Conversations about difficult subjects can work well if you’re doing an activity or trivial task together at the same time,” Lissa says. “That way, you’re relaxed and achieving something together.” Take ownership of your part in the feud. “Acknowledge your mistakes and express that you’re sad you’re not as close as you could be, as well as your wish to have a good relationship with them,” Lissa says. Go into the conversation with no expectations, and steer clear of blame.

WHEN MAKING UP FEELS IMPOSSIBLE

Not all families get along. If you feel you’ve done all you can to try to mend a toxic relationship, don’t despair! Here are some options: • Do some soul-searching. Remember, you can only control what you do, not what they do. • Allow time to heal. It’s normal to feel sad if you don’t have an ideal sibling relationship. In time, it will feel less painful, overwhelming and intense. • Adjust your expectations. It might feel as though the path to reconciliation will never be smooth, but never say never. In the meantime, pour your energy into your own happiness. • Accept the reality. Has your relationship with your sibling left you emotionally worn down after years of drama? Accept that maybe it’s better to stay apart.