A modestproposalfor our lovelycollege

Rather than continue to exaggerate the situation, I believe I have conjured a remedy beneficial to all parties.

A modest proposal for preventing the residents of Cabrini College from being a burden to the resident life staff, or the administration (her majesty) and for making them beneficial to the public. (With sincere apologies to Jonathan Swift.)

Good day. As a resident of this brilliant institution, I cannot help but remark on the current housing and parking riddle. It seems as though there is an overflow of students and student related accessories, such as cars and beer cans.

I know the joys of living in organized housing. I have stood up to my knees in blossoming shower algae. I have eavesdropped with care as fellow residents argue loudly with significant others, being so interested in this petty bickering that I have compulsively reenacted it with puppets. I have even stepped in puddles of delicious early morning vomit. But there comes a time to shed such luxuries.

Your majesty, would it please you to consider a new form of housing? Would it please your court to cease the construction of multi-million dollar megaplazas? Would you consider trailers?

Trailer housing would be an excellent means of allowing students to exist in total dis- obeyance of college doctrine while still ignoring them. No longer would there need to be furniture in rooms or famine and plague such as last year's housing lottery. No longer would automobiles be clogging our precious Dixon Center lot. Instead, trailers would be everywhere. Two or more students could purchase a used trailer for a modest fee, of course. They could live in this mobile home for their entire college careers. They would never have to move in and out of different dorm rooms, and they would save a considerable amount of cash. If two students purchased one used trailer at $20,000, the two would save a combined total of nearly $44,000 in room and board expenses over four years. Excellent savings indeed!

Ah, but how would Cabrini profit? Your majesty, imagine the excess of funds that Public Safety would generate by ticket-

No such thing as the endless summer

boardwalk ride operators.

Mike Fenn

The sure signs of fall are here again. The leaves are changing color, the long sleeves are coming out of the attic and the Eagles have begun their annual losing streak. As I walked around the campus and observed these typical October sights, I thought, "What better time to write an article about summer vacation?"

My summer vacation took place at the Jersey shore, naturally. My family chose to avoid all of the huge party towns down there, like Cape May, and instead decided on \Vildwood. Wtldwood is a resort town located on an island of New Jersey. It is populated by about 50,000 people and 900,000,000 tourists. Other inhabitants of the resort include such unique creatures as sea gulls, dolphins, crabs, and

When it comes to lodging, Wildwood has what you need, considering that 9 percent of the buildings in the area are hotels or motels. With such names as Waters Edge, Yankee Clipper, Siesta, and of course Days Inn, one can easily visualize a calm, relaxing beach resort taken over by moneyhungry hotel realtors. While some of the finer hotels offer very exclusive services (i.e. valet parking, mints on your pillow, $60 breakfasts), some of your not-so-finer motels may offer different services (i.e. long distance calls from your in-room tin can phone system).

Speaking of 16-rnile hikes, Wildwood also has one of the widest beaches on the East Coast. Walking across New Jersey's version of Death Valley, survivors will eventually reac:h the Atlantic Ocean,kept at a steady temperature of five degrees. As you freeze yourself silly in its waters, be on the lookout for the many sea creatures often spotted there, such as crabs, jellyfish and Titanic passengers.

Of course, as we all know, va- ing each trailer, everyday! Imagine how crisp and clean the dorms, houses and apartments would be, finally rid of nettlesome students. Why, the tour groups would be impressed beyond flatulence. (One using inflated language runs the risk of being incoherent. Sorry.)

Think of how you could confine the alcoholic trailers to one section of campus and the date rape trailers to the other. Think of the districts and ghettos you could build! Think of the funds you will generate and save by no longer paying electric and water bills! Why, you could finally construct Dixon Center II. Yes, trailer housing is risky in some cases. Aside from the certain threat of tornadoes, it is probable that there would be many drunk driving incidents among trailers on Thursday nights. But think of the beauty it would present our campus! Sure, the precious pond, empty lots and construction equipment are nice, but who hasn't ever driven by a glorious trailer community and remarked in splendor of its elegance? Who would dare turn his back to the wondrous plastic flamingo, clad in her wild and fiery pastels of passion? cationers have one thing in mind when they come down to Wildwood. What is their shared objective? To spend $700 at a skill game on the boardwalk trying to win a stuffed monkey the size of a baseball. WJ1dwood's boardwalk is 2 1/2 miles of amusement piers, skill games, pizza palaces and Tshirt shops. It is the only place on earth where you can buy a hermit crab and a slice of pepperoni pizza in the same place. What a town! However, Wildwood is so much more than a big moneymaking tourist trap. There are millions of free things to do down the shore such as um Thousands of towns are located within minutes of Wildwood, such as North WJ1dwood. As one makes their way up the coast, they will stumble upon many other towns; such as Somers Point,Seaside Heights, New York City, Boston and eventually Canada.

Your majesty, I am only a lowly scribe. But I beg you. Please consider this modest proposal of mine, and I will be forever in your gratitude.

Chris Vesci is a staff writer for Loquitur. His commentary was inspired by ''A Modest Proposal" by some dude named Swift. I don't know the fellar's first name. We ain't got much culture in the trailer l'z frum.

Loquitur is established as a forum for student expression and as a voice in the uninhibited, robust, free and open discussion of issues.

Yes, the summer may be gone for the year. But, if the world doesn't explode in two months, we can all be guaranteed a great getaway at the shore next summer, where prices will be higher than ever.

Editor Adam Greenberg Adviser

Dr. Jerry Zurek

Staff Writers

Tony Barrett

Gabrielle Beltran

Alison Briant

Terry Cipollini

Kendra Clark

Crystal Davis

Kristina Ge.:rkcn

Linsey Heiser

Joe Holden

Melissa Lepouski

Editor in Chief Ben Lunn

Managing Editor Janice Funk

Copy Editor Cynthia Taura

Perspectives Editors Chris Nielsen

Photography Editor Jim Snook

Nick Luchko

Stephanie Masucci

Meghan Merkel

Bernadette Smith

Jessica Snow

JennifeuenBoom

Matt Tooley

Chris Vesci

Allison Webb

Jen Yoos

Sports Editor Brian O'Connell

Features Editor Shanna Fanelli

Design Editor Nicole Klimas

Photography and Graphic Design Adviser Don Dempsey

Editorial Board

Aimee Sommers Joe Holden

Ben Lunn Chris Nielsen

Janice Funk Nick Luchko

Cartoonist PhotojournaUst

Matt Holmes Shannon Downs

Loquitur is a laboratory newspaper written, edited and produced by students of Cabrini College registered in COM 346, 350. 351, 352, 353 and 354. Members of the campus community are invited to work on or submit stories for publication. Only students regi,tered in the above classes, however, are eltgible to receive academic credit. Subscription price is $25 per year and is included in the benefits secured by tuition and fees. Loquitur welcomes leners to the editor. Letters should be signed and the authorship known to the editors. Letters to the editor must be ~ubmitted by noon on Mondays.

Ok, so we're not actually going to give you any money, but Loquitur is looking for a business manager to take care of ours.

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