Unimaginable loss
Preparing for disaster: LGBTQ people more likely to be displaced
The County of Los Angeles this week issued a warning to take action and prepare homes and loved ones for another round of extreme wind and fire weather.
“LA County asks the public to prepare for the dangerous Santa Ana winds and extreme fire weather,” reads one statement. Another statement by LA County also points out peak wind speeds in the coasts and valleys of 50 to 70 mph and 60 to 100 mph in the mountains and foothills.
Recently, the U.S. Census Bureau collected national data on the LGBTQ+ community in relation to disaster displacement and through an analysis discovered that LGBTQ+ people are nearly twice as likely than the general public to be displaced after disasters.
A news article by The 19th points to the connection from previous research that many faith-based organizations and bias in disaster response could be the reason. Regardless of the reason, people in the LGBTQ+ community have always existed in the margins and will likely continue to face the burden of getting timely and necessary
treatment and assistance.
The past two weeks have been a challenging time for many people affected by the wildfires that ravaged Los Angeles. Many community members, leaders and organizers lost their homes and were permanently displaced. Some long-standing businesses are being forced to close due to financial burden and many in our community face a long road to recovery. In the midst of tragedy, grief and loss, thousands of people in Los Angeles are coming together to provide resources and assistance to those affected by the wildfires – particularly those of the QTBIPOC communities.
How to prepare
• Sign up for emergency alerts at alert. lacounty.gov
• Check evacuation zone statuses and make a plan to evacuate if ordered to do so
• Pack essentials in a go bag including medications, and vital documents such as passports, birth certificates,
marriage licenses, and any other government issued documents
• Prepare for possible Public Safety Power Shutoffs that can last anywhere from several hours to several days
• Report any signs of smoke or fire by calling 911
What to consider
If you are a member of the LGBTQ+ community, there are a few extra steps and documents to keep in mind as you evacuate.
Considering how imminent the threats are from the new administration, it is especially important to consider packing any gender-affirming paperwork such as doctor’s notes, medications lists and any other government documents that provide proof of medical needs. It is also worth noting that business and marriage documents are even more crucial to keep copies of as an LGBTQ+ person due to the pushback many receive when it comes to proving their marital status or ownership of business.
Many working class and older Black
Heal in community at these upcoming mutual aid events
If you are in need of resources, services, or just a distraction from the onslaught of devastating news, we’ve compiled a list of upcoming events and organizers that are helping heal the community.
BabyGay LA is hosting a LA Queer Events Coalition at Center Silverlake on Jan. 25 from 1pm to 3 pm. The event will be moderated by Carla Ibarra from the LA Civil Rights Department and host ChiChi La Pinga, who will guide the community through an afternoon focused on support and immediate assistance. They will also be offering support from on-site therapists by the Open Space Therapy Collective, grounding yoga led by With Love Projects, direct access to essential resources and services and more.
Trans Dudes of LA, Yes Ma’am Club, Whxremones LA and The Gay Agenda LA are co-hosting a benefit fund called Back On Our Feet, at Sassafras Salon on Jan. 25 from 7 pm to 1am. On their Instagram, they posted that ‘100% of the sales will be donated to the organizations supporting victims of the current
fires in Los Angeles.’The suggested donation is $5 for tickets that can be purchased through Eventbrite. According to their post, the night will feature drag, DJs and dancing.
Butchona will be bringing back their event to Little Joy Cocktails in Echo Park on Jan. 26 from 4 pm to 9 pm, featuring the OG DJ’s that brought this event to the queer Latin American community of LA, playing corridos, quebraditas, banda and more. They will also be featuring special guest DJ Todo Trankiloski, who’s part of the Chulita Vinyl Club – a DJ group who plays vinyl sets and recently celebrated 10 years of building their brand and QTBIPOC support system. Though the event is always free, they will be accepting donations for 2 families directly impacted by the Eaton Canyon fire, as well as CHIRLA, the Coalition for Humane Immigrant Rights, supporting the immigrant communities of LA.
Mariposx Healing will lead a Somatic Soothing Zoom event in collaboration with Liberatory Wellness Network and Pat.Radical.Therapist, for people affected by the L.A fires on Jan.
28 at 6 p.m.
“This session is for people affected by the Los Angeles fires. Azul of Mariposx Healing will hold space for expression of emotions through somatic practices, movement, chanting and drum medicine,” reads the IG post.
Perverse4Verse will host their next event on Jan. 30 at the Heavy Manners Library, with a $10 suggested donation and all proceeds going toward a fire relief fund for the community. The theme of the event is collective healing, as they will be featuring community organizers and poets who will be gathering to celebrate leather love and collective care through poetry, togetherness and education. This event is hosted by Karla Lamb, a well-known community organizer in queer literary spaces.
Butch Monthly LA is hosting a donation-based event on Jan. 31, from 6 pm to 8 pm at the Rediscover Center Mid City. They will be hosting a Zine-making night in collaboration with Rebuild, to fundraise for LA Fire relief which will be ‘open to butches and those who love them,’ according to their IG post.
and Latin American families have lost their multi-generational homes to the Eaton Canyon fire. Queer, women-owned and BIPOC businesses like June Bug and Cafe De Leche were on the direct path of the fire that burned through parts of Altadena and Pasadena, leaving behind only remnants, rubble and devastating scenes of the aftermath.
Thousands of homes and businesses were lost to the fires and the displacement, grief and loss will have a long-lasting impact on our communities – many of whom already struggled to thrive in the margins.
Check out our other coverage to stay on top of events and other updates on the fires and mutual aid coverage.
GISSELLE PALOMERA
Lesbian Goth Night postponed their monthly event set for Saturday Jan. 11, in light of the fires and devastation felt by many community members and their loved ones. They will now be holding the event on Feb. 7 at 9:30 pm to celebrate Valentine’s Day, honoring the tickets from January’s cancelled event and opening up sales to welcome more people.
“We understand that the weeks have been heavy, as we are too still processing the devastation surrounding the fires,” reads an Instagram post by Lesbian Goth Night. “We were very much looking forward to our January event and seeing all the new and familiar faces\, but throwing the event during that time didn’t feel right on many levels.
GISSELLE PALOMERA
Shoes lay about on the street after the Eaton Canyon fire rummaged through the Altadena and Pasadena neighborhoods earlier this month. (Photo credit Gisselle Palomera)
(Canva graphic by Gisselle Palomera)
How the devastating L.A. fires brought the sapphic community together
Sapphic L.A. among many other organizations offering aid
By GISSELLE PALOMERA
Sapphic L.A., a digital source for queer community focused on sapphics and sapphic lovers, hosted an event on Saturday in collaboration with The Social Club to benefit community members who have been affected and displaced by the historic Eaton Canyon and Pacific Palisades fires.
Saturday’s Sapphic L.A event was initially planned to be a celebration for the “Best Of Sapphic L.A.” winners. The “Best Of” awards were given in recognition of event spaces, organizers, community leaders, poets, activists and others who are making the space, paving the way for more inclusive spaces and positively representing the QTBIPOC community.
On Jan. 8, Sapphic L.A. announced through IG that they would be postponing the celebration event and instead were going to be hosting space for the community in support of those affected by the fires. The event included a sound bath, guided meditation sessions, massage therapy and acupuncture by fellow community members who donated their time and resources. They also made space for a workshop to cultivate creativity and a few peer support groups.
Anita Obasi who runs Sapphic L.A., said that it just didn’t feel right to celebrate in the midst of the chaos and destruction that many of the local communities were experiencing. Instead she wanted to host an event where people could feel welcomed and supported during this particularly difficult time.
“Initially I switched up the concept for the event without knowing there would be other providers involved,” said Obasi in an interview with the L.A Blade.
Obasi says she aims for Sapphic L.A to be a center of gravity for resources and connections for sapphic people.
“Considering that there has been very real impact to not just the sapphic community, but the LA community as a whole in regards to the fires, it kind of felt off to celebrate in the midst of that chaos and loss, so we pivoted our plans to make space in terms of being an active service to our community."
When she made the decision to postpone the celebration event, she was content with just being able to hold the space for the community and to make it a low-stakes event
where people could even feel comfortable showing up in their sweatpants and not feel pressured to socialize.
“The outpouring of support of people being so willing to provide services was absolutely incredible. Not only that, but folks also immediately started donating to our cash assistance fund.”
Though the event was free, community members who wanted to donate and offer financial support toward the event were welcomed to purchase tickets for $10 and donate at the event, with all proceeds going toward relief and support for the community. Recently, Sapphic LA posted that they raised $1,341 from the event that would be divided into thirteen micro grants of $100 dollars each. The remaining $41 from the money raised was donated to The Lavender Collective.
Their next event will be on Jan. 25 featuring a Drag and Dance Party with a “Wicked Witch Baddie vs Bubblegum Princessy Pop” theme in reference to the recent blockbuster hit Wicked. Sapphic L.A will also be fundraising financial assistance for families directly affected by wildfires. For more information regarding this event or how to support Sapphic L.A, visit their IG page.
Blade to cover Creating Change in Las Vegas
The Washington Blade will be in Las Vegas this week to cover the National LGBTQ Task Force’s flagship annual Creating Change conference, Jan. 21-26, where movement leaders will convene at a pivotal moment for LGBTQ rights. More than 3,000 are registered to attend, nearly a third of whom identify as transgender or gender nonconforming, and more than half as people of color. A livestream of the plenary sessions is available here.
This year’s conference comes days after the inauguration of President Donald Trump, along with his administration’s issuance of executive orders targeting immigration and LGBTQ rights, together with the revocation of his predecessor’s executive actions that established and clarified
rights and protections for these and other marginalized communities.
For instance, Trump on Monday signed an order to direct the federal government to recognize only two genders, based on birth sex, which will likely mean that U.S. citizens will no longer be able to select the “X” gender marker for their passports and official documents, though the U.S. State Department has not provided clarity on how that will be enforced.
In recognition of the shifting legal and regulatory landscape — and the need for immigrant and trans or gender nonconforming communities to understand and prepare for changes in the coming weeks and months — the Task
Force this year has organized sessions like “Protecting Your Rights: Navigating Legal Systems” with attorneys from the Transgender Law Center, the National Center for Lesbian Rights, and Oasis Legal Services.
Along with covering breaking news from sessions during the four-day program, the Blade will be talking with experts for stories focused on the backlash against diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives, the Trump administration’s expected ban on military service by trans people, insights into how major LGBTQ advocacy organizations are preparing to push back against actions by this White House and congressional Republicans, and more.
CHRISTOPHER KANE
Sapphic L.A. hosted an event on Saturday to benefit community members who have been displaced by the Eaton Canyon and Pacific Palisades fires. (Los Angeles Blade photo by Gisselle Palomera)
Trump takes immediate action against trans community
Government websites scrubbed of LGBTQ content
By CHRISTOPHER KANE | ckane@washblade.com
President Donald Trump, during his inaugural address on Monday, previewed some anti-trans executive orders he has pledged to sign, though it was not yet fully clear how and when they would be implemented.
“This week, I will also end the government policy of trying to socially engineer race and gender into every aspect of public and private life,” he said. “Today, it will henceforth be the official policy of the United States government, that there are only two genders, male and female.”
The president added, “I will sign an order to stop our warriors from being subjected to radical political theories and social experiments, while on duty. It’s going to end immediately.”
After taking the oath of office inside the U.S. Capitol building, Trump began signing scores of executive orders, many without reading them.
The first orders were aimed at revoking Biden-era initiatives, including one that enabled trans people to serve in the military. Biden’s order revered Trump’s 2018 ban on trans service members. Trump’s new order doesn’t immediately prevent trans people from serving in the military but it clears the way for a new ban.
The 47th president is reportedly considering a range of moves, including banning trans student athletes from competing.
NBC News reported on Monday, however, that senior officials with the new administration pointed to two forthcoming executive orders — the official recognition of only two genders, and “ending ‘radical and wasteful’ diversity, equity and inclusion programs inside federal agencies.”
With respect to the former, in practical terms it would mean walking back the Biden-Harris administration’s policy, beginning in 2022, of allowing U.S. citizens to select the “x” gender marker for their passports and other official documents.
“The order aims to require that the federal government use the term ‘sex’ instead of ‘gender,’ and directs the State Department and the Department of Homeland Security to ‘ensure that official government documents, including passports and visas, reflect sex
accurately,’” according to NBC.
Additionally, though it was unclear what exactly this would mean, the first EO would take aim at the use of taxpayer funds for gender-transition healthcare, such as in correctional facilities.
The Human Rights Campaign in a press release Monday indicated that a “fulsome review of executive actions” is forthcoming, but the group’s President Kelley Robinson said, “Today, the Trump administration is expected to release a barrage of executive actions taking aim at the LGBTQ+ community instead of uniting our country and prioritizing the pressing issues the American people are facing.”
“But make no mistake: these actions will not take effect immediately,” she said.
“Every person deserves to be treated with dignity and respect in all areas of their lives,” Robinson said. “No one should be subjected to ongoing discrimination, harassment and humiliation where they work, go to school, or access healthcare. But today’s expected executive actions targeting the LGBTQ+ community serve no other purpose than to hurt our families and our communities.”
She continued, “Our community has fought for decades to ensure that our relationships are respected at work, that our identities are accepted at school, and that our service is honored in the military. Any attack on our rights threatens the rights of any person who doesn’t fit into the narrow view of how they should look and act. The incoming administration is trying to divide our communities in the hope that we forget what makes us strong. But we refuse to back down or be intimidated.”
“We are not going anywhere. and we will fight back against these harmful provisions with everything we’ve got,” Robinson said.
In another anti-LGBTQ move this week, the Trump-Vance administration has “eliminated nearly all LGBTQ and HIV focused content and resources” from WhiteHouse.gov and “key federal agency” websites, GLAAD announced in a press release Tuesday.
Prior to Trump’s inauguration on Monday, GLAAD had catalogued more than 50 links to LGBTQ- and HIV-related content on White House web pages and on websites for the State Department and the Departments of Education, Justice, Defense, Health and Human Services, and Labor, along with other agencies like the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission.
As of Tuesday, GLAAD specifically found that terms like “lesbian,” “bisexual,” “gay,” “transgender,” “sexual orientation,” “gender identity,” and “LGBTQ” are “no longer accessible on WhiteHouse.gov,” while “some LGBTQ-specific pages have been taken down from sites for the Centers for Disease Control, Department of State, and more.”
Among the pages that are no longer accessible on WhiteHouse.gov are an equity report from July 2021, a fact sheet with information on expanding access to HIV prevention and treatment from March 2024, and information about Pride month.
Among the entries on federal agency websites that are no longer available are 94 entries for “LGBT Rights” that were once published on the State Department’s site and dozens of links to information and resources on “LGBTQI+ Policy” that were once available on the Department of Labor website.
“President Trump claims to be a strong proponent of freedom of speech, yet he is clearly committed to censorship of any information containing or related to LGBTQ Americans and issues that we face,” GLAAD President Sarah Kate Ellis said. “Today’s action proves the Trump administration’s goal of making it as difficult as possible for LGBTQ Americans to find federal resources or otherwise see ourselves reflected under his presidency.”
Ellis added, “Sadly for him, our community is more visible than ever; and this pathetic attempt to diminish and remove us will again prove unsuccessful.”
Shortly after Trump’s first presidential inauguration in 2017, the Trump-Pence administration scrubbed the White House and federal government websites of LGBTQ and HIV related content, provoking backlash from LGBTQ advocates.
President DONALD TRUMP’s inauguration, Jan. 20, 2025. (Screen capture via YouTube)
Meta’s policy changes ‘putting us back in the dark ages’
Expert says rolling back hate speech protections threatens queer youth
By HENRY CARNELL
LGBTQ advocates have expressed alarm in recent weeks, as Meta has taken steps to undermine protections for queer youth and apparently worked to appease the incoming conservative administration in Washington.
Meta, the parent company of popular social media and messaging companies Facebook, Instagram, and WhatsApp, is owned by Mark Zuckerberg, who was once considered to be an ally of the LGBTQ community.
Two weeks ago, the internet was afi re with discussion of Liv , the now-deleted Instagram profi le of a “proud black Queer momma of 2” AI made by Meta as part of its AI user dreams
Then, last week, independent tech journalist Taylor Lorenz revealed that Instagram had been blocking teens from searching LGBTQ-related content for months.
This comes as no surprise to Celia Fisher, a professor of Psychology and the Marie Ward Doty University Chair in Ethics at Fordham University who has spent her career studying children and adolescent health, especially for marginalized groups like the LGBTQ community.
When speaking to the Washington Blade in November 2024 on TikTok, Fisher remarked that it was increasingly diffi cult to research the Meta platforms. Fisher and her team have used advertisements on social media to recruit youth for anonymous surveys for studies. “One of the advantages of social media is that you can reach a national audience,” she says.
The advertisements are specifi cally linked to keywords and popular celebrities to reach LGBTQ populations of youth. When she spoke to the Blade again this week, she was not surprised to hear that keywords were being blocked from youth. “Now, there is a major barrier to being able to recruit when you are doing online studies.”
It makes her research—which has looked at the mental health of youth online, HIV prevention strategies, and COVID vaccine barriers—impossible. “If Meta prevents researchers from using the platform, then the research can’t be done,” she said.
The search blocks are not just a threat to the research, they are a threat to youth. “Hiding those terms from youth means they can’t see that there is a community out there. That’s a tremendous loss, especially for transgender youth,” said Fisher.
Fisher suspects where the restrictions are coming from, not that Zuckerberg has been particularly opaque as he cozies up to the new administration. “I think there’s been a creeping fear on the part of companies not to do anything that might elicit the ire of more conservative politicians,” she said.
A Meta spokesperson told Lorenz that the restriction was a mistake. “It’s important to us that all communities feel safe and welcome on Meta apps, and we do not consider LGBTQ+ terms to be sensitive under our policies,” said the spokesperson.
Meta backtracked immediately; the next day the company removed longstanding anti-LGBTQ hate speech policies.
Zuckerberg announced large changes to the platform via video in which he sported a $900,000 watch. (More than 1 in 5 LGBTQ adults are living in poverty. More than 1 in 3 transgender adults are living in poverty.)
The changes, which eliminate independent fact-checking for a system similar to X’s “community notes,” have been highly critiqued by journalists and fact-checking organizations. Many experts see it as a “bow” to Trump. Zuckerberg also noted that the platform would “remove restrictions on topics like immigration and gender that are out of touch with mainstream discourse.” He directly linked the changes to the recent election.
Those changes happened quickly. That same day GLAAD, an LGBTQ media monitoring non-profi t, reported the changes to the hateful conduct policies. Changes include allowances for calling LGBTQ people mentally ill and the removal of prohibitions against the dehumanization of protected groups, among many. Notably, Meta’s guidelines include the right-wing transphobic dog whistle “transgenderism.”
On Jan. 9, reporting from The Intercept and Platform-
er on internal training documents revealed the use of even more slurs. The t-slur against transgender people is now allowed on the sites with no restrictions. Phrases like—and this is a quoted example—”A trans person isn’t a he or she, it’s an it” are allowed on the sites with no restrictions.
Notably, the training manuals diff erentiate between diff erent members of the LGBTQ community. For example, The Intercept found that the phrase “Lesbians are so stupid” would be prohibited while “trans people are mentally ill” would not be.
(These training manuals also include permissive use of racist and dehumanizing language for other marginalized groups.)
And then, as a cherry on top, Meta removed DEI programs and deleted the transgender and non-binary Messenger themes, on Jan. 10.
These changes are undeniably bad. Arturo Béjar, a former engineering director at Meta with expertise in online harassment, told the Associated Press , he is horrifi ed by the changes.
“I shudder to think what these changes will mean for our youth, Meta is abdicating their responsibility to safety, and we won’t know the impact of these changes because Meta refuses to be transparent about the harms teenagers experience, and they go to extraordinary lengths to dilute or stop legislation that could help,” he said.
Fisher, who has researched the eff ects of hate speech online on LGBTQ youths’ mental health, agrees that the results will be devastating. “We had many people who said they observed transgender harassment for others or were actually attacked themselves,” said Fisher. “This prevents people from wanting to come out online and to actually engage in those kinds of online communities that might be helpful to them.”
What is happening also confi rms LGBTQ youths’ worst fears. “We’ve found that a major concern is that there would be an increased violation of civil rights and increased violence against LGBTQ individuals,” she said.
Fisher, a psychologist, sees this as “putting us back into the dark ages of psychiatry and psychology when LGBTQ individuals were seen as having some kind of a mental health problem or disorder.”
Fisher emphasized: “This kind of misinformation about mental illness is certainly going to be putting transgender people, especially at even greater risk than they were before.”
(This story is part of the Digital Equity Local Voices Fellowship lab through News is Out. The lab initiative is made possible with support from Comcast NBCUniversal.)
MARK ZUCKERBERG, co-founder and CEO of Meta (Screen capture via Bloomberg Television/YouTube)
Senate confirms Rubio as next secretary of state
The U.S. Senate on Monday confirmed U.S. Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) to become the next secretary of state.
The vote took place hours after President Donald Trump’s inauguration. The Senate Foreign Relations Committee on Monday advanced Rubio’s nomination before senators approved it by a 99-0 vote margin.
The promotion of LGBTQ and intersex rights abroad was a cornerstone of the Biden-Harris administration’s foreign policy.
Rubio in 2022 defended Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” law that Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis signed. The Florida Republican that year also voted against the Respect for Marriage Act that passed with bipartisan support.
Rubio during his Jan. 15 confirmation hearing did not speak about LGBTQ rights.
MICHAEL K. LAVERS
Trump bans passports with ‘X’ gender markers
A sweeping executive order that President Donald Trump issued on Monday bans the State Department from issuing passports with “X” gender markers.
Former Secretary of State Antony Blinken in June 2021 announced the State Department would begin to issue gender-neutral passports and documents for American citizens who were born overseas.
Dana Zzyym, an intersex U.S. Navy veteran who identifies as nonbinary, in 2015 filed a federal lawsuit against the State Department after it denied their application for a passport with an “X” gender marker. Zzyym in October 2021 received the first gender-neutral American passport.
The State Department policy took effect on April 11, 2022.
“The secretaries of State and Homeland Security, and the director of the Office of Personnel Management, shall implement changes to require that government-issued identification documents, including passports, visas, and Global Entry cards, accurately reflect the holder’s sex,” reads Trump’s executive order.
The gender marker is among the provisions contained within Trump’s executive order titled “Defending women from gender ideology extremism and restoring biological truth to the federal government.” Trump in his inaugural speech said the federal government’s “official policy” is “there are only two genders, male and female.”
MICHAEL K. LAVERS
Ghana’s president says anti-LGBTQ bill ‘is dead’
Advocacy groups in Ghana have welcomed the demise of a bill that would have further criminalized LGBTQ people and outlawed allyship.
President John Mahama on Jan. 14 said the Promotion of Proper Human Sexual Rights and Ghanaian Family Values Bill that MP Sam George of Ningo-Prampram co-sponsored in 2021 was essentially dead. Mahama made the remarks to a delegation of bishops from the Ghana Catholic Bishop’s Conference.
“If we are teaching our values in schools, we wouldn’t need to pass a bill to enforce family values,” said Mahama. “More than just passing the Family Values Bill, we need to agree on a curriculum that instills these values in our children as they grow.”
The president also said that although MPs passed the bill last February, parliament dissolved before former President Nana Akufo-Ado, whose term ended earlier this month, signed it.
“I don’t know what the promoters of the bill intend to do, but I think we should have a conversation about it again,” said Mahama. “As far as I know, the bill did not get to the president. So, the convention is that all bills that are not assented to law before the expiration of the life of parliament, expire. So that bill eff ectively is dead.”
LGBT+ Rights Ghana Communications Director Berinyuy Burinyuy said the president’s remarks off er a glimmer of hope for LGBTQ Ghanaians who have long been subjected to systemic discrimination, fear, and violence.
“For many, the mere suggestion that LGBT+ issues
could be addressed through education rather than criminalization represents a signifi cant departure from the traditional legislative path championed by the bill’s proponents,” said Burinyuy. “This shift implies a possible opening for dialogue and a more inclusive approach, one that recognizes the need for respect and understanding of diverse sexual identities within Ghanaian society.”
Burinyuy, however, asked about how family values will be incorporated into the educational curriculum.
“Will the curriculum provide a comprehensive, nuanced understanding of human sexuality that respects diversity, or will it risk reinforcing discriminatory attitudes under the guise of cultural preservation?” said Burinyuy. “The fear, particularly among LGBT+ activists is that the emphasis on education could inadvertently foster homophobia in Ghana-
ian children. If the content is not carefully structured, it could perpetuate harmful stereotypes and deepen existing prejudices.”
“While Mahama may not yet be fully committing to a clear policy direction, his statement leaves open the possibility of a more balanced approach, one that allows for a national conversation on sexual rights without rushing into divisive legislation,” added Burinyuy.
We Are All Ghana said Mahama’s comments are a welcomed approach in addressing anti-LGBTQ sentiments and negative stereotyping.
“We need a holistic educational curriculum for our schools,” said We Are All Ghana. “The children at least deserve to know the truth. There is nothing worse than half baked information.”
Yaw Mensah, an LGBTQ activist, said Mahama is teaching Ghanaians to be tolerant of everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation.
“Mahama is indirectly saying LGBT persons are not Ghana’s problems. Let’s teach families values that accept and respect everyone. Ghanaian values should be tolerance, respect, honesty, hardworking, hospitality, and integrity,” said Mensah. “Those need to be taught and not the hate, discrimination, barbarism, greediness, and hypocrisy that we are seeing in many leaders which transcends into the young ones.”
George has yet to comment on Mensah’s comments about his bill.
DANIEL ITAI
Sen. MARCO RUBIO (R-Fla.) during his confirmation hearing to become the next secretary of state on Jan. 15. (Blade photo by Michael Key)
Ghanaian President JOHN MAHAMA (Photo via Mahama’s official Instagram account)
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Indigenous communities should lead the way in fire prevention strategies
Out-of-control wildfires are a continued byproduct of colonization
Land back.
The rest of it should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway
For too long we have relied on unreliable and unsustainable forms of living that are disconnected from nature and connected to colonization. It is time to not only recognize the importance of indigenous practices and decriminalize them, but to also give the land back to indigenous communities that know how to care for the land and learn from their way of life.
After spending two days in the Altadena neighborhoods ravaged by the Eaton Canyon fire last week, I went home feeling defeated, distraught and overwhelmed by the amount of destruction and loss I witnessed. After I decompressed and changed into fresh clothes, I engaged in conversation with my dad, who was watching the evening news in the living room. The segment was on the updates of the fires ravaging through Los Angeles. The news camera focused on the single aircraft carrying water over the fire and dropping it from above. In comparison to the scale of the fire, the water seemed to do little to tame the flame.
My dad watched in amazement, not because he was impressed by the aircraft or the size of the out-of-control fire, but because he was genuinely convinced that if it were up to him, the fires would have been extinguished long before it reached the neighborhoods it burned through.
This scene seemed to send him on a trip to the past – to a time where he was one with the land, manipulating the elements to produce a rich harvest in his family’s riverside ranch.
My father is one of thirteen children who contributed to the daily chores on the small family ranch. My father and grandfather worked tirelessly side-by-side to produce harvests that were not only enough to feed their family, but also enough to share with their neighbors.
My father’s side of the family is from Guadalajara – a city in Jalisco, the state known as the birthplace of Mariachi and tequila. Jalisco is also known for its deep revolutionary history that is recorded as far back as the year 1540, with The Mixtón Rebellion which formed after the Indian population of western Mexico rebelled against Spanish rule.
During this time, the area that encompassed the state of Jalisco, was known as Nueva Galicia and it also stretched over Aguascalientes, Zacatecas, Nayarit and the northwest corner of San Luis Potosí.
In 1621, Domingo Làzaro de Arregui wrote in his Descripción de la Nueva Galicia, that 72 native languages were spoken in the Spanish colonial province which stretched across 86,733 square miles. Jalisco has an extensive history of indigenous uprisings and rebellions.
What I learned from my father during our conversation last Thursday was that he and his father practiced a type of pseudoscience that worked for them and the land they farmed on. They practiced the indigenous method of starting controlled fires in an effort to produce soil rich with nutrients and free of impurities that would stump the growth of the crops they grew – rice, corn, cucumbers and more.
“When we didn’t want the fire to spread past a certain point in the field, we would create a ring of fire by hitting the line of fire with green shrubbery,” said my father in Spanish.
When they were satisfied with the plot of land that was to be burned, they extinguished the fire entirely and without the use of other resources such as water.
California has a record of several historic fires that have wiped out thousands of square miles worth of land and hurt many communities. Global warming has brought on many challenging years for California such as many record-breaking years of little to no rain, high wind conditions and a landscape that makes it particularly difficult to extinguish larger scale fires.
In 2018, I was living in Lake Elsinore when the Holy Fire broke out in the Cleveland National Forest, a piece of land stretching from Corona to Irvine in southern California. It was the closest I had ever been to what seemed like the opening of a portal to the underworld – prompting evacuations of the small city of Lake Elsinore and the small population living in the forest area.
That same year, the Camp Fire grew into one of the state’s deadliest and most destructive fires on record, devastating the towns of Paradise and Concow in northern California. In 2021, the Dixie Fire raged on for months, ravaging through northern California.
In 2022, The University of California published an article and produced a video about the cultural practice of burning forests.
According to the article, it isn’t just a cultural practice, it is a way to populate the dense forests we see today in places like Yosemite. It is a vital practice to ensure that more vegetation thrive and impurities in the soil are burned to make way for native plants to flourish. According to the article “...ecological records and oral Indigenous history alike describe how fire, sparked by lightning or planned by tribes, played a vital role in shaping California’s landscape for thousands of years.”
In the early 1900’s it was suggested that anyone who started a fire would be shot – a remnant of European rule that regarded cultural burning as primitive or the opposite of civilized.
In September, CalMatters published an article written by Russell Attebery, chairman of the Karuk tribe – a federally recognized tribe overseeing more than 1 million acres of land in Humboldt and Siskiyou counties along the Klamath River.
In the article, he points out that California’s history of out-of-control fires are due in large part, to ignoring the wisdom of indigenous people that have worked for them and the land for thousands of years.
Attebery makes the argument that not only is fire essential to Karuk culture, but that it is also “...not just a tool — it’s a lifeline, a means of renewal, and a vital part of our culture. For generations, our ceremonies have honored the essential role of fire in maintaining the health of our forests, the regeneration of plants and the sustenance of our communities.”
Since the article was published, SB 310 was passed by Gov. Gavin Newsom, acknowledging tribal sovereignty over cultural burning for the first time in California s history.
This became the first step toward the process of righting historical wrongs and although it is progress, this law only decriminalizes the cultural practice. It does not grant Indigenous people the right to control the land that is rightfully theirs.
Thank
KEVIN NAFF
is editor of the Washington Blade. Reach him at knaff@washblade.com
you, Mr.
President
Biden’s legacy includes array of pro-LGBTQ actions
Monday marked the end of President Joe Biden’s administration, the most pro-LGBTQ leader our country has ever known. With his departure, our community enters a period of uncertainty and alarm over how trans Americans will be treated under Trump’s tenure.
Before we begin coping with that unfortunate reality, let’s take a moment to celebrate Biden. His legacy includes many landmark achievements, from ending the COVID pandemic and implementing the infrastructure bill to restoring America’s reputation around the world, supporting Ukraine, and standing up to Vladimir Putin’s aggressions.
Biden’s advocacy on behalf of LGBTQ Americans will be a key part of his overall legacy. Never have we had a president so committed to our equality and inclusion.
One of the most memorable moments in Biden’s long record of LGBTQ support came in 2012 when he famously endorsed marriage equality in a live TV interview days before President Obama did the same. It marked the first time a sitting vice president publicly supported marriage equality and Biden did it just six months before the election, something that even LGBTQ activists had advised against.
As president, Biden fought successfully to preserve marriage equality in the increasingly likely event that the Obergefell ruling is overturned by the Supreme Court. The Respect for Marriage Act ensures that the federal government and all U.S. states and territories must recognize same-sex and interracial marriages. Biden signed it in 2022 and held a massive event on the White House lawn bringing together hundreds of LGBTQ advocates from around the country to celebrate.
“Today’s a good day,” he said during the signing ceremony. “Today America takes a big step towards equality.”
Biden began his term on Jan. 20, 2021, and on that same day, issued an executive order establishing workplace protections for LGBTQ Americans and prohibiting discrimination in education, credit, health care, and housing.
Biden ensured that his administration and the federal government looked like America, naming record numbers of out LGBTQ judicial appointees and senior staff. He gave us the nation’s first Senate-confirmed gay Cabinet member in Pete Buttigieg, thus opening the door for future LGBTQ top staff like Scott Bessent, Trump’s pick for Treasury Secretary, who’s gay.
“LGBTQ+ people have received a record number of federal appointments, including Cabinet members, judges, and around 14% of the administration,” according to the Victory Fund. In addition to Buttigieg, he appointed Dr. Rachel Levine as the first out transgender person to hold an office that requires Senate confirmation. And he named Karine Jean-Pierre, a Black lesbian, as his press secretary.
His advocacy wasn’t merely symbolic. President Biden in June issued historic pardons for military service members who were discharged over their sexual orientation or gender identity under discriminatory policies of the past, like “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”
“This is about dignity, decency, and ensuring the culture of our Armed Forces reflect the values that make us an exceptional nation,” Biden said at the time. “We have a sacred obligation to all of our service members — including our brave LGBTQI+ service members: To properly prepare and equip them when they are sent into harm’s way, and to care for them and their families when they return home.”
Veterans who were discharged for their sexual orientation or gender identity were barred from accessing benefits through the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs but veterans who obtain certificates of pardon can now petition for a change in their discharge status, which can facilitate their access to benefits.
On a personal note, I am grateful to President Biden and his talented and thoughtful communications team for granting the Blade the first-ever presidential sit-down interview
with an LGBTQ newspaper. It was a moment I’ve worked toward for more than 20 years, holding endless calls and meetings with President Obama’s team trying to land that interview; and even working with Trump’s team early on in the hopes he might talk to the queer media. But it took Biden to again make history for our community. The Blade’s Sept. 20, 2024 cover photo of our White House reporter Chris Kane sitting across the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office from President Biden — an image snapped by longtime Blade Photo Editor Michael Key — fills me with immense pride. It was a moment that took decades of hard work and perseverance by pioneering queer journalists to realize.
Thank you, Mr. President, for having our backs, not just for these past four years but throughout a long and impactful career in public service.
President JOE BIDEN sits across the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office from Blade reporter CHRISTOPHER KANE on Sept. 20, 2024. (Washington Blade file photo by Michael Key)
Previewing D.C.’s WorldPride Music Festival
Producer Jake Resnicow on unforgettable event with genres from disco to country
By EVAN CAPLAN
As WorldPride draws closer, Washington, D.C. is getting ready to celebrate on multiple levels. One major event is the Dreamland WorldPride Music Festival, to be held at RFK Stadium (2400 East Capitol St., N.E.) from June 6-7, 2025. This music festival will serve as the centerpiece of the city’s WorldPride celebration, coinciding with the 50th anniversary of D.C. Pride.
Local electronic dance music event promoter Club Glow is putting on the show, bringing in celebrated producer Jake Resnicow, to create a giant festival. Under the direction of Resnicow and Club Glow, the festival will feature a diverse, yet-to-be-named lineup featuring pop superstars, live performers, DJs, and plenty of local talent. The festival aims to showcase the vibrant spectrum of LGBTQ culture, with musical genres ranging from disco to country, bringing together performers from a range of backgrounds who resonate with Capital Pride’s values and with the attendees.
The Washington Blade conducted an exclusive interview with Jake Resnicow about the festival. The interview has been slightly condensed for clarity.
BLADE: What is your background and role in the nightlife scene?
RESNICOW: I’ve always been passionate about creating spaces where people can express themselves freely. My journey into live events began in 2010 with a Pride event on Governors Island. It was a transformative experience that showed me the power of live events to bring joy and build community. Since then, I’ve had the privilege of producing events like WorldPride at the Javits Center, where we raised over $500,000 for LGBTQ+ charities, as well as the first-ever Pride in Central Park. These events have been about more than just entertainment; they aim to support and uplift the LGBTQ+ community.
marginalized. In a world where less than 1% of charting artists identify as LGBTQIA+, this festival is a platform to change that narrative. I’m particularly proud to serve on the board of Femme House, where we work to address this underrepresentation by providing resources and opportunities for queer musicians to thrive. This festival symbolizes a safe, inclusive environment where everyone feels seen, heard, and celebrated.
BLADE: What will the festival entail?
RESNICOW: The festival will offer a multi-day experience filled with music, art, and community engagement. Attendees can expect a blend of live performances, immersive activations, art installations, and wellness zones. To me, queer entertainment has evolved beyond nightlife; it’s now a cultural movement that intertwines art, music, fashion, and activism. This evolution has shaped how I approach my events, pushing me to create spaces that are not just safe and inclusive but also challenge and redefine what live entertainment can be. WorldPride 2025 is about creating something larger than a single event; it’s about fostering a movement that celebrates the full spectrum of the LGBTQ+ community. We aim to offer spaces for connection, self-expression, and reflection, incorporating elements that give back to the community and support causes that matter most to us.
BLADE: How did you get involved in the WorldPride Festival with Capital Pride?
RESNICOW: After producing several Pride festivals and witnessing their impact, the opportunity to bring this energy to the largest stage feels like a culmination of a long-held vision. I’m truly honored to collaborate with Pete Kalamoutsos, Heather Church, and Matt Cronin — the driving force behind Project GLOW. Pete has been a leader in the dance music scene for over 25 years. He, Heather, and Matt have not only shaped the East Coast’s electronic music landscape but have also shown unwavering support for the LGBTQ+ community. Their commitment to elevating dance culture, especially through Project GLOW, is remarkable. Beyond the music, the team has incorporated community-focused initiatives, such as highlighting Washington, D.C.’s LGBTQIA+ community through dedicated stages and collaborating with local charities like Sasha Bruce Youthwork. Working with Pete, Heather, and Matt is like joining a dream team — they have an incredible vision and are passionate about making a difference. Together, we aim to create a historic WorldPride 2025 Music Festival that resonates with attendees and leaves a lasting legacy.
BLADE: What does this event mean to the LGBTQ nightlife community?
RESNICOW: WorldPride 2025 is more than just a music festival; it’s a space for celebration, reflection, and visibility. For the LGBTQ nightlife community, it’s an opportunity to come together, celebrate our identities, and amplify voices that have been historically
BLADE: What are some elements and activations that are part of the festival?
RESNICOW: Beyond the music, there will be a variety of interactive experiences and spaces that celebrate LGBTQ+ culture. This includes art installations, wellness zones, educational areas, and spaces for community organizations to engage with festival-goers. Our goal is to create a holistic experience that goes beyond the traditional festival setup, offering attendees a place to connect, learn, and celebrate in diverse ways.
BLADE: How do WorldPride and the festival connect to the D.C. community?
RESNICOW: Washington, D.C. has a rich history of LGBTQ+ activism and culture, and this festival holds personal significance for me. Having attended Georgetown University, I feel a deep connection to this community and its legacy. WorldPride 2025 is my way of giving back, aiming to create a festival that resonates on a deeply personal level for all of us. I want to create a musical experience that the community will remember, one that celebrates our progress and inspires us for years to come. This event is designed to leave a lasting impression, not just as a festival but as a moment of unity and pride.
A core aspect of WorldPride 2025 is its commitment to giving back. The festival will support the nonprofit Capital Pride Alliance, which serves the needs of the LGBTQ+ community year-round. We’re building on the legacy of our previous events, where we raised substantial funds for LGBTQ+ causes. This isn’t just about a single weekend of celebration; it’s about creating lasting change. Additionally, based on the overwhelming presale response, we’re on track to potentially set a new world record for the largest Pride festival ever. This reflects not only the excitement for the event but also the strength and unity of our community. We’re striving to make the festival a historic moment that has a meaningful, positive impact on both the local D.C. community and the LGBTQ+ community at large.
The Dreamland WorldPride Music Festival is set to be held at RFK Stadium June 6-7, 2025. (Photo courtesy Club Glow)
Queer critics announce nominees for Dorian Film Awards
Demi Moore continues to draw raves for ‘The Substance’
By JOHN PAUL KING
We have to admit that, in a week like this one, writing about movies – or, even more so, movie awards – feels a little bit irrelevant.
Even so, the Blade would be remiss if we didn’t report that the nominations for the 16th Annual Dorian Awards have been announced by GALECA:The Society of LGBTQ Entertainment Critics, not just in the name of maintaining normalcy but as a reminder of the importance and influence of the “Q+ eye” within the arts and entertainment sphere. After all, we’ve been leading pop culture as tastemakers ever since there has been a pop culture. And while the Dorian voters’ choices don’t always line up exactly with those of the higher-profile mainstream awards bodies, they reflect a strong counter-cultural perspective that feels ahead of the curve when it comes to singling out underappreciated gems, seemingly predicting – or proclaiming – the trends and topics rising in the public consciousness before the film industry itself seems to catch on.
This year’s crop of nominees especially highlights this “maverick” insight, omitting many of the front-running choices in the annual awards season in favor of niche-y (but timely) “genre” films that are typically disregarded by organizations like the Golden Globes or the Oscars. Indeed, the Dorians’ two most-nominated titles – filmmaker Jane Jane Schoenbrun’s “I Saw the TV Glow” and Coralie Fargeat’s “The Substance” – are horror films, reflecting a growing critical appreciation for the genre among a rising younger generation of queer film commentators, as well as within the larger cinephile community itself.
The Dorian Awards — named after the title character in “The Picture of Dorian Gray,” written by queer literary and theater icon Oscar Wilde, in whose honor the awards are named — differ from other awards in that they divide the top film prizes into multiple categories, and further offer separate awards in several of those divisions for mainstream or LGBTQ movies. At the same time, the performance awards are not divided by gender; rather, the prizes are designated for lead and supporting performances, with actors of all genders competing together for a single prize in each category. In addition, there are a number of awards unique to the Dorians, such as Best Genre Film, Best Unsung Film, and Campiest Film.
Leading this year’s nominations with a total of nine is “I Saw the TV Glow,” a surreal, trans-themed horror allegory largely ignored by the other awards groups; with nominations for both Best Film and Best LGBTQ Film, plus nods for Schoenbrun’s direction and screenplay and the performances of stars Justice Smith and Brigette Lundy-Pain in the
Lead and Supporting Performance categories, respectively. In addition, it’s a contender for the Dorians’ “Most Visually Striking” award, which celebrates the overall “look” of a film’s design.
Coming in second with eight nods, darkly satirical body-horror thriller “The Substance” competes as Best, Campiest, Genre, and Most Visually Striking film, with additional nominations including Best Performance (Demi Moore and Margaret Qualley, in Lead and Supporting categories, respectively) and nods for its direction and screenplay as well.
Somewhat surprisingly, acclaimed trans mobster musical “Emilia Pérez” was omitted from the Dorians’ Film of the Year category, despite being a front-running contender in other major awards races – though it still claimed six nominations, including LGBTQ Film, Non-English-Language Film, and LGBTQ Non-English Language Film, and Performance nods for breakout transgender star Karla Sofía Gascón and co-star Zoe Saldaña. Also with six nods is “Challengers,” Luca Guadagnino’s bisexual-themed tennis romance, which scored in both the Best Film and LGBTQ Film, among others; “The Brutalist,” director Brady Corbett’s epic saga of a Jewish Holocaust survivor’s rise to success as an architect in postWWII America, grabbed five, including nods for Best and Most Visually Striking Film, Corbett’s direction, and Adrien Brody’s career-topping lead performance.
Other films with multiple nominations were “Challengers” (five), “Anora,” “Nickel Boys,” and “Wicked” (four each), and “Problemista” and “Queer” (three each). Guadagnino also helmed the latter, an adaptation of William S. Burroughs’ gritty novella about an aging American ex-pat in 1950s Mexico City filmmaker, which scored a Best Lead Performance nom for star Daniel Craig and made the list for both Best LGBTQ Film and LGBTQ Screenplay, but did not earn him a Best Director nomination – though he did make the cut for the “Challengers.”
Other noteworthy titles in GALECA’s awards lineup include the inventive faux-silent slapstick comedy “Hundreds of Beavers” (nominated both as Campiest and Best Unsung Film of the Year); “Sing Sing” (which earned nods for both its star, out queer actor Colman Domingo, and real-life convict turned movie star Clarence Maclin; Robert Eggers’ stylish reimagination of the silent classic “Nosferatu” (riding the pro-horror wave to compete in both Best Genre and Most Visually Striking Film categories); and trans-centric competitors “The People’s Joker,” “National Anthem” (both up for Unsung LGBTQ Film), and “Will & Harper” (Best Documentary and LGBTQ Documentary), all providing a timely counterpoint to the real-world transphobia currently being deployed as a political wedge in American politics.
Of course, alongside all these queer-themed contenders, there are still plenty of competitors also in the running for the remaining high-profile awards – such as “Wicked” and its leading players, “Conclave,” and the aforementioned “Anora” and “Sing Sing.” Any of these nominees could end up winners, too, which is part of what makes the Dorians a singular entity in the annual awards race.
In addition to revealing the Dorian nominees, GALECA also announced that it would donate $1,000 to The Los Angeles Press Club’s emergency relief fund, earmarked for entertainment journalists directly affected by the historically devastating wildfires that have destroyed vast swaths LA and left thousands of residents homeless.
In a statement, GALECA Executive Director John Griffiths said, “Entertainment journalists are an obviously integral part of the Hollywood ecosystem, and we want to make sure they aren’t forgotten in what’s already a very tough environment for those in our profession.”
Vice President Diane Anderson-Minshall added, “We applaud our friends at the Press Club and its sister organization the National Arts & Entertainment Journalism Awards for coming to our brethren’s need.”
Professional journalists whose main livelihood involves entertainment criticism, editing and/or reportage can apply for help at lapressclub.org. Additional donations may be made there as well.
The winners of the 16th Dorian Film Awards – which also include signature special awards for Rising Star, Timeless Star, Film Trailblazer, and the Wilde Artist Award – will be announced on February 13. A complete list of nominees is available on the Blade website.
DEMI MOORE stars in ‘The Substance.’ (Image courtesy of MUBI)
New book is a fun whodunit set in London drag world
‘Murder in the Dressing Room’ will keep readers guessing
By TERRI SCHLICHENMEYER
Your alter ego, the other half of your double life, is a superhero.
When you’re quiet, she’s boisterous. Your confidence is flat, hers soars. She’s a better dresser than you; she’s more popular, and maybe even a little smarter. By day, you live a normal existence but by night, your other side roars and in the new mystery, “Murder in the Dressing Room” by Holly Stars, both of you solve crimes.
Lady Lady had been a little off all evening.
As owner of London’s most fabulous, elegant drag club, she was usually in command but her protegee, Misty Devine, could tell that something was wrong.
She discovered how wrong when she found Lady Lady on her dressing room floor, foaming at the mouth, dead, poisoned by a mysterious box of chocolates.
Hours later, Misty de-dragged, morphing from an elegant woman to an ordinary, binary hotel employee named Joe who was heartbroken by the tragedy. Only employees had access to Lady Lady’s dressing room – ergo, someone they knew at the club had to be the killer.
Obviously, the London detectives assigned to the case had a suspect list, but Misty/Joe and their boyfriend Miles knew solving Lady Lady’s murder was really up to them. They knew who the killer wasn’t, but who had reason to kill Misty’s mentor?
Maybe Mandy, the club’s co-owner. The club’s bartender and bouncer were both sketchy. Lady Lady had spats with two employees and a former co-worker,
but was that motive enough? When the dress Lady Lady was wearing that night proved to have been valuable stolen goods, Joe’s investigation list grew to include people who might have sneaked backstage when no one was paying attention, and a shady man who was suddenly following them around.
Then Misty learned that she was in Lady Lady’s will, and she figured the inheritance would be minor but she got a huge surprise. Lady Lady’s posthumous gift could make others think that Misty might’ve had reason to kill her.
And just like that, the suspect list gained another entry.
When you first get “Murder in the Dressing Room” in your hands, hang onto it tight. It’s fun, and so fluffy and light that it might float away if you’re not careful.
The story’s a little too long, as well, but there’s enjoyment to be had here, and authenticity enough to hold a reader’s attention. Author Holly Stars is a drag performer in London and somewhat of a murder maven there, which gives her insight into books of this genre and the ability to string readers along nicely with solid characters. If you’re unfamiliar with the world of drag you’ll also learn a thing or two while you’re sleuthing through the story; drag queens and kings will like the dual tale, and the settings that anchor it.
As a mystery, this is fun and different, exciting, but tame enough for any adult reader. If you love whodunits and you want something light, “Murder in the Dressing Room” is a double delight.
c.2025, Berkeley | $19 | 368 pages
‘Murder in the Dressing Room’
By Holly Stars
My partner won’t come out to her parents
How to cope when you love someone who’s closeted
By MICHAEL RADKOWSKY
Dear Michael:
I’m having a terrible communication problem with my girlfriend. She just isn’t hearing me on some issues that mean a lot.
Nicki doesn’t get why it’s important for me that we be out to her parents as a couple. I’ve explained my position over and over. I’m not willing to hide or pretend, and doing so makes things way more complicated down the road, if we stay together. Eventually we’d have to explain our lies. It’s crazy to imagine hiding our marriage, or hiding children. More than crazy!
How can you be believable about anything if you aren’t honest about who you are and the nature of your relationship?
Nicki’s whole response boils down to her being afraid that her parents will reject her (they’re deeply religious, conservative). Me trying to explain to her that you can’t let fear run your life just doesn’t penetrate her brain.
As a result I haven’t met her parents yet, and our relationship is a lot more tentative than I would like it to be at this point.
Besides this “biggie,” there is one other issue that she just doesn’t get, no matter how much I explain my position: She makes fun of me a lot — especially when we’re out with friends. About all sorts of things. How I dress (too stereotypically lesbian in her view); my interests (same criticism); my supposed inability to cook; my bad driving; my loving my dog too much. And more.
Nicki either says she’s not making fun of me, or says that she’s just kidding around and I am too serious. The more I ask her to stop, the more she tells me to “lighten up.” She just isn’t hearing me.
Aside from communication issues around these big topics, we have an otherwise great relationship that I would like to last. However, this stuff isn’t acceptable. What more can I do to communicate more clearly in a way that she will hear me?
Michael replies:
It sounds like you’re both making your points loud and clear. You criticize Nicki, and Nicki criticizes you. Communication means that you say what you want to say to your partner, and you listen when she wants to share something. It does not mean that you get your partner to agree with you or behave as you want her to.
Even if you think that Nicki’s not being out to her parents is crazy, she doesn’t have to come out to them. Is Nicki open to the idea of eventually coming out to her parents? Mustering the courage to do so can be a slow process. If Nicki would like to work on this, and you are willing to wait, then stay in the relationship and work on being patient and accepting. But if this is a deal breaker issue now, Nicki is not for you.
While you can continue to try to change Nicki, this tactic doesn’t seem to be getting you anywhere, except annoyed. You have a lot of power over your own behavior, but little power over how your partner behaves. In other words, you get to be with the person you are with; not a hypothetical “improved” version that better suits you.
With regard to the teasing issue: I believe that if someone you care about tells you that you are hurting them, it’s a good idea to listen. I don’t get why Nicki wants to keep behaving toward you in ways that you find painful. Could it be that all of this is linked?
Perhaps Nicki is hurt or annoyed or angry that you won’t accept her not being out to her parents; and is getting back at you for your ongoing pestering by torturing you with criticisms and insults. Or, perhaps your hurt, annoyance, and anger over Nicki’s ongoing teasing is leading you to retaliate by continually criticizing her closeted status.
Think of your relationship as a system: When one part of a system changes, it impacts the entire system. If either one of you changes your behavior for the better, you will likely have a positive impact on your relationship. Do you want to make the first move, and see what happens?
You might also begin an ongoing discussion with Nicki about the benefits of being respectful toward each other, listening to each other, striving to understand each other’s points of view, and tolerating that you sometimes see both minor and important issues differently.
But only start that discussion if it makes sense to you that having a decent relationship depends on your continually striving to do these things.
(Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to michael@ michaelradkowsky.com.)
Don’t judge too harshly when a partner refuses to come out to parents.
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Don’t pay for covered Home Repairs Again! Our home warranty covers ALL Major Systems and Appliances. We stand by our service and if we can’t fix it, we’ll replace it! Pick the plan that fits your budget! Call 1-855-411-1731
HEALTH/MEDICAL
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LOANS
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SERVICES
WATER
DAMAGE CLEANUP & RESTORATION: A small amount of water can lead to major damage. Our trusted professionals do complete repairs to protect your home’s value. Call 24/7 1-888-248-0815
MISCELLANEOUS
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