A Working Mom in Progress By Brittany Lenz, MD

A Working Mom in Progress

By Brittany Lenz, MD

oday, I woke up my son, got him ready for daycare and kissed him goodbye. I then went to work where I treated 30 patients, rushed home to cram in some cuddles with my little one before bedtime, shared a reheated leftover dinner with my husband and finally had the chance to sit and write these thoughts down at 9 p.m. It was a pretty good day.

How different a day looks, before and after parenthood! My husband and I met in college and were married for 10 years before we decided to have a baby. We loved our childless life as two young professionals. We traveled, enjoyed late nights out with friends, and cultivated hobbies and interests outside of work. We adopted the sweetest rescue dog, who allowed us to flex our fledgling co-parenting muscles while requiring minimal change to our lifestyle. The concept of work-life balance never crossed my mind. I could give 100% to my job whenever I needed to, and my husband had his own career goals to focus on. We always made time for each other, but there was an easy flexibility between two adults who understanded each other’s busy professional lives. A decade later, the arrival of our son completely rocked our world.

As a new mother and full-time private practice physician, I have struggled to find worklife balance. Yet as I navigate the complexities and challenges of life as a working mom, I can’t help but wonder if such a thing truly exists.

Before my son was born, I was confident that I would rise to the challenge of attaining this elusive balance. I imagined myself deftly astride the proverbial seesaw with my family on one side and my career on the other – both in perfect harmony. Now that I am living it, I would not describe my current life in any sort

Tof balance. Rather, I have found a carefully timed and slightly frenzied method of getting it all done that is more reminiscent of a struggling entertainer. A woman alternately tossing and catching several tasks at once, shifting and

hustling to keep all pieces of her life in the air. And sometimes I must allow the less important things to drop.

In all my ruminations about motherhood, the question I had never thought to ask was, “How will I maintain my sense of self?” As I’m sure every new mother before me has experienced, there is a part of you that grows immensely when your child is born. Your heart swells to a capacity you never thought possible. You are all at once filled with love, hope and fear. But there is also a part of yourself that fades away, or is at least put on hold, to return at a later season of life. I have metamorphosed into an indomitable multitasker. An imperfect, but steadfast task juggler. This, I feel, is a more accurate description of my life as a working mom.

Motherhood, especially early on, can be quite lonely. I was lucky to share this time with two of my closest friends from medical school whose babies were born within one month of my son. We spent many late nights and early mornings texting each other. I personally was transitioning out of the Air Force to a private practice, which was a huge change in my career. Though we each had unique circumstances, we had a million of the same concerns. What would we do for childcare? What if our baby became sick? There were countless questions and perils ahead. All the while I was acutely aware of how fortunate I was to be a dermatologist. What about the working parents with unpredictable schedules and 80-hour work weeks? How do they manage?

This all came as a surprise to me. I figured I had survived medical school, internship, a tour as an Air Force flight surgeon and the rigors of residency. I had honed my craft in academic medicine for years. Surely, I could succeed as a mother. But as any new mom can tell you, motherhood is so different from professional endeavors. It’s personal. Every success and failure hits you right at your core. When I hold my son in the middle of the night, trying to soothe him as he cries with an ear infection, it hurts my soul. Certainly, this would not happen if he didn’t go to daycare. If only I stayed home with him each day, he would never become sick. Such are the irrational fears and self-doubts that creep into a parent’s mind at 3 a.m.

The perfect image of balance with my home life on one side and work life on the other quickly dissipated. I was not prepared for the guilt I would experience in these two spheres of my life. I was faculty at a residency program

for years, where I focused on mentoring residents and modeling career development. I love my job as a physician and would never want to give it up, but now I constantly wonder if I am doing enough. Am I continuing to learn and develop myself professionally? The driven medical student inside of me wants to spend hours every weekend reading dermatology journals like I used to, and yet there are only so many hours to spare.

At home, I experience similar insecurities. Is my son getting enough interaction, eating the right foods and growing like he should? Are my husband and I spending enough time with him at the end of our busy work days? Adjusting my expectations and accepting the figurative and often literal messiness of my new life has allowed me to enjoy this time so much more. If our child is warm, fed, healthy and asleep at the end of the day, we consider it a win. My husband and I have found that we are our toughest critics when it comes to parenthood, and we often forget to give ourselves grace. Our son doesn’t need us to be perfect, he just needs us to be there.

As time goes on, I have realized my favorite memories are not the shiny Instagram-worthy moments on milestone blankets captured in portrait mode. Instead, I cherish the happy memory of feeding our child from a spoon for the first time. I have also learned that the mom tribe is strong. We working moms continue our juggling act for our families and for our careers. I am comforted knowing that I am in good company, persevering alongside incredible women. These women have been my voices of reason and my personal cheerleaders when I needed them most. They are the bridge between who I was before I became a mom and the person I am now. As we juggle the demands of being a physician and a mother, the best we can do is empathize and support one another as we each find our own rhythm.

So, I won’t be kicking myself for not finding balance – I’m not sure I ever will. This new person I have become is stronger and more resilient, and she knows which aspects of her life are too important to ever let drop. Tomorrow, I have the privilege of taking care of patients and making someone’s life better and I will also get to see my son laugh, smile and grow.

As we juggle the demands of being a physician and a mother, the best we can do is empathize and support one another as we each find our own rhythm.

Brittany Lenz, MD is a member of the Bexar County Medical Society.