Tears of a child

Tears of a Child

The Horror of a lonely childhood

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Louise Kinnear

Chapter 1 – Tears of distraught Chapter 2 – Hold your head up Chapter 3 – Daddy’s home Chapter 4 – Dance away Chapter 5 – Mary & Matthew Chapter 6 – Dirty Washing Chapter 7 – The Slap Chapter 8 – Kitchen Fight Chapter 9 – Silence Chapter 10 – Apology Chapter 11 – Freedom 2|Page

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Chapter 1 Screaming, shouting and swearing are all I hear while hiding in a corner of my room.

Tears rolling down my face knowing that there is nothing I can do to stop this. I will get shouted at by someone I love so dearly. Someone I appreciated and looked up to all my life. I can hear how he hits 4|Page

her. Every slap echoes through the house.

The screams of torture erupt through the silence of the night. Tearing of clothes and making her believe she is worthless. What kind of monster is this? From a placid person, he would change into a monster.

My heart is racing so fast, it feels as if it wants to jump out of my chest. What did I know? What I did know, is what is happening on the other side of my bedroom door was abuse. Abuse that continued for years and no one has ever attempted to do anything about it. This is destroying our lives. This is affecting me.

It is affecting my school work, affecting my thought patterns. This is destroying me! I heard the front door open and she tried to 5|Page

run from his claws, but was hit down from behind. I ran outside to see what is happening and could not believe my eyes.

Her eyes were already swollen, her mouth bleeding and her clothes torn. “Go inside!” he shouted at me while pointing to the door. “I said go! NOW!” he yelled. The anger in his voice is not unfamiliar. I saw him lift his hand again and between them stepped a young man. “Stop, please, stop!” he pleaded. “Haven’t you done enough? Look at her? Stop for a second and look.” the young man said as he tried to calm him down. I stood in disbelief, as I dried my eyes, to discover who the pleading voice was. Just a young man himself, he stood before him, begging him 6|Page

to stop. I hear her crying as she lies on the grass, full of fear and heartache. I ran to her to help her up, help her to get out of the eyes of the evil people staring at the fiasco in awe. The shame he has brought on this family again. The shame of a woman beater and the pity of the abused are what those who stared thought of us yet again. She can hardly walk with the wounds this time. She wanted to go to her bedroom to make herself presentable. She wanted to wipe the blood off her face, put on clean clothing and cover up her bruises, like all the other times. “Mommy, let me help you” I said softly but she put her hand up. “I’m okay Gabriella, I’ll be fine” she said. “Why don’t you go to your room?

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I will be there shortly to tuck you in.” Abby was in total shock. As I stuck my head through the gap of the opening door, I saw my little sister sitting quietly on her bed with tears rolling down her face. She was sobbing. The hurt that reflected in her eyes is not something you see every day, but in those whose hearts have been shattered. “It’s all over” I whispered as I moved closer to her. I held her so tight.

My eyes were blurry with my tears and my heart felt as if it was bleeding. Bleeding to know that the man I adored, has hurt my mommy so badly. We sat like that for a while, till we heard the door handle. “Why aren’t you sleeping yet?” he asked as he popped his head into our room. “We were 8|Page

just about to climb into bed” I replied as we opened our beds. I climbed into Abby’s bed. I could feel her still shaking caused by the terrible ordeal that struck our home. Her heart is beating so fast and she is still sobbing as she falls asleep. Lying there, thoughts ran through my head; All the questions that I need to be answered, yet I dare not ask them out loud. What if we could pack our bags and run away, far away from all of this. Run far away from a monster. Would it make a difference in our lives as children? After all, we are only children. How will this impact our lives in the future? When will things change?

When will this stop? The fear caused a restless night’s sleep for I opened my eyes 9|Page

with every creak and crackle I heard during the course of the night. “Wake up girls” I heard as the aroma of the early morning coffee awoke me. Our eyes were all puffy, because of all the tears that were shed last night. It was the soft and gentle voice of an angel. You can tell that she has been up for quite some time this morning.

Her hair was all done up beautifully and she tried to cover her bruises with the porcelain base cream. She was wearing a navy blue trouser with a white and navy blue blouse. My mother was surely an angel.

You could smell the Opium perfume from a distance. “You need to get up now girls, or else you’ll be late for school” she said as she handed our coffee 10 | P a g e

to us. She bent her legs slowly to sit on the bed opposite to us. The pain in her eyes is very apparent. There is still redness around her neck of how he grabbed her.

The memories went through my head over and over again. I was brought back to sanity with the touch of my mothers’ hand. “You need to get dressed.” She continued “Girls, what happened last night is not being spoken of at school. Not with anyone, not even your friends and especially not your teachers. Your father loves you very much and would never do anything to hurt you.” She got up slowly trying to hide the excruciating pain; physical and emotional trauma. It took all her will power to hide it from us but I can 11 | P a g e

see the suffering in her hazel eyes. Abigail was devastated. Tears rolled down her face while she got dressed for school. She was weak and tired and anybody knowing her would see it immediately. I, on the other hand, was angry. I was disappointed in the man that I trusted and loved so dearly. I was hurt by the swearing and name calling. What has possessed him to do such a horrible thing? I am torn apart...

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Chapter 2 Walking to school was very long. It felt like a road that never ended, as if we were never going to get there on time. “Come on Abby, we’re going to be late if you keep dragging your heels like this.” I said as I was thinking of my embarrassing day ahead. I have to prepare myself for all the 14 | P a g e

pointing and corridor whispers that will occur today. I’m expecting the worse from Angela, a girl in my class. She stays across the road from us, so everything was entirely visible to her and her family. She is not the nicest person not to mention her dreadful friends. The teasing and name calling was so unpleasant the last time. They said that I would be taken away and given to people that do not love me. I would be eating sand for dinner and not be able to bath for days. How am I going to get through this again? I can’t speak to my mother. She is hurting as is, and to still tell her of my petty quarrels at school is just not appropriate. I lifted my eyes off the floor as we approached the 15 | P a g e

gate. There she is. She cannot even wait for me to enter the premises of the school. Abby was already torn apart, I was not going to let her hear all this nonsense that’s about to leave Angela’s lips. “You go ahead, I will catch up with you in front of the hall” I said and gently squeezed her hand. Facing my fears I stopped in front of Angela, expecting the worst. She put her arms around my neck and said softly “I am here when you need to talk”. I nearly collapsed with shock. “Thank you” I whispered as I nodded my head.

“Mmmm” I thought to myself. Something does not fit here. Something is up so I will definitely keep my guard up. I don’t trust her as far as I can see her.

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The day felt long and I could not really concentrate in class. My mind kept tracking back to the incident. At break, I sat alone with my awful memories of last night. It just kept playing over and over in my head as I stared in the midst of the field where Abigail sits. I saw Abby, smiling at her friend Chantal. They shared everything and I knew that Chantal was trying to cheer her up and motivate her. I felt relieved actually. Knowing that she actually has someone to open up to and express her heartache. As the bell rang for the last period, I realized that I finally had the opportunity to express my own feelings. Art class was one of my favorite subjects just to blow off some steam. The 17 | P a g e

topic or subject of our sketches for today was abstract. “Exactly what I needed.� I whispered to myself. I sketched with chalk. I started to sketch a woman with a white cloak lying on the floor with her back towards me. A white soft and elegant cloak that flowed over her body as she lay there so still; as motionless as my mother did last night. I used black chalk to sketch a man standing next to her, chest puffed out and his fist drawn back to give her another blow. The anger built up again as I changed the entire background to red.

Light red, dark red... all different shades of red you can possibly think of. I jumped as the bell rang. The raging anger was frightened away with the ring of the last 18 | P a g e

bell of the day. I need to get to Abby. I need to find out how her day was, how she is feeling and what I can do ease her pain. I can see her. She is quite a distance ahead of me. “Abby, Abigail... wait up!” I yelled. They continued walking as I ran my little legs off to get to them. “Hi Angela, how are you?” I asked out of breath. “Oh, hi Gabriella, I’m fine, thank you.” she answered with a very concerned look on her face, her eyes indicating me to look at Abby. The tears were running down her face. Her face expressed fear and her arms were wrapped around her stomach.

Tension pain is what my mom called it. I stood at the gate for a moment, gathering strength to enter the house of darkness. I 19 | P a g e

am dreading to see the scars and bruises of my mother. Everything is silent in the house, from outside. The car is not there so my father definitely went to work today. I exhale with relief to know that nothing will happen now. Lifting the rusty old handle of the brittle wooden gate slowly, gently and softly to ensure I don’t disturb the peace in the house, I walked towards the back door where I always entered and there she stood. She is so petite and so fragile trying her best to give us the best. The whistle of the kettle confirmed that our lunch was ready. My mom made the best sandwiches ever... even if she put just butter on them. You could taste the love and appreciation in 20 | P a g e

her heart with every bite you took. Today was my favorite, peanut butter and Illovo syrup. I love the texture together. It is almost like my parents, my mother is as sweet and beautiful as flowing syrup and my father is as smooth and tangy, but now and then you get the pieces of peanuts that you had to chew a bit, as the peanut butter. My father was chewy... especially when he turns into a monster. “How was your day� she asked us every day and we always said it was fine. We did not want to burden her with our tiffs from school, knowing that she is crying for help inside.

I thanked her for the lovely lunch and excused myself from the table. I sat in my room thinking of my day. I hope that I 21 | P a g e

jotted all my homework down. I opened my bag slowly and pulled out my favorite subject first. Mathematics was quick and easy because I understood it so well, so I will do that quickly. One two three and I was normally done. Could not believe myself what was happening; I had to redo one sum three times. It is taking me so much longer to complete my homework today. I wish my life was different. I wish my life was a little bit less complicated. As a matter of fact, I just wish my life was normal. I think I can handle normal. I wish for once in my life I can go to school without being worried about what was happening at home. Phew, finally all my homework is done.

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Afrikaans and Natural Science all completed to the best of my ability. I believe it is fine... actually, I hope it is all fine.

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Chapter 3 I hear the gate handle. I started rushing to put all my books back into my bag. Put a smile on your face Gabriella. Be as nice as possible and very friendly. Remember to greet with respect and love. I love my father, I really do, but what he is doing to my mother is just not fair. I hear the car 25 | P a g e

door open and shut. The creak of the sound of our old gate brings us to reality that my father will be entering the house very soon. My heart is racing; it is beating so fast to comprehend the tension I feel in my stomach. I can see the door handle open and up comes my smile. “Good afternoon daddy” I greeted with all the love and respect as he expects from us.

“Afternoon” he replied back with no emotion showing on his face. As cold as ice is all I could see. My hands were sweating as he passed me when he walked down the passage towards their bedroom.

My mother froze for a minute and then started moving again as he entered their bedroom. My mother started dishing up 26 | P a g e

immediately. You can feel the tension in the house, it is worse than other times. It is so thick that you can literally cut it with a knife. There was no eye contact between them nor were there any words exchanged. I had to take my father’s food to him as he sits in front of the telly watching the 6 o’clock news. Evenly spaced and beautifully presented just the way he likes it. “Please bring me a green chili. It is in the door of the fridge” he asked politely. That is the most words he has spoken the entire time since he arrived home from work. My father is working long hours. He is working in the meat industry. Early in the morning you will hear the bath water run and the kettle 27 | P a g e

boil. As soon as you hear the water stop running you know he is heading to the kitchen to turn off the smoking hot and boiling kettle. He makes coffee and then jumps into the bath. Not long after you hear the bathroom handle, you will hear the hair dryer. That was my indication that he will be leaving for work soon and it is time for us to get up and get ready for school. When he gets home from work, he smells just like biltong. It reminded me of him when I miss him while he goes on trips. “Ha” trips… yeah right. He loved surprising us with some dry wors or biltong. That was a total treat. When he wanted to treat me, he brought home a loaf of smoked hickory ham that he made 28 | P a g e

himself. That is the best ham I have ever tasted in my whole life. It is meaty yet juicy and tasty all in one. We have a bread cutter to ensure that we cut the bread straight. I use that to slice the ham perfectly and for some reason or another, the slices were exactly the same size as the bread. It is like he knows every millimeter of the bread; the width and the length. After eating, my father takes his plate to the kitchen. “Gabi, tell Suné I want Coffee” he said. His lips are touting and the corners of his mouth became brackets again. You can see the anger building up once again. I jumped up quickly to relay the message. Suné was listening to music in her bedroom, 29 | P a g e

shutting the world out. I can hear her thumping as she danced by herself in front of the mirror. The music is so loud that I just barged in because there was no way that she would hear, if I had to knock.

“Daddy asked if you will make him coffee please” I said very politely. She mumbled some words, but not loud enough for me to hear what she was saying. I just smiled and walked back into the lounge to excuse myself for the evening.

“Goodnight daddy” I said as I bent over to kiss him. I walked towards my mother and I see the worried look on her face; the look of my father starting a fight again. “Goodnight mommy” I said as I kissed her and gave her a hug. Walking towards our bedroom, 30 | P a g e

I wondered what was brewing that night. I am actually too tired to think about it intensely.

Emotionally drained and exhausted is exactly how I feel. Yawning away I entered a room where my little baby sister was sitting, minding her own business. She had a blank look on her face. I know when something bothers her, when something is wrong. I wish there was more that I could do. I wish that I could scoop her out of this world and just take her to a place where she can just be her playful self. Be a child and be who she really is. But I knew that it is only a dream because the fighting will never stop. “Hey” I said entering, bringing her back to reality from her day dream. “Hey” she said. “Are 31 | P a g e

you okay Abby?” I asked really concerned.

She nodded as she stood up to open her bed, letting out a little sob. I held her tight and comforted her best I could.

“Everything will be okay again Abby, I promise. All this will blow over quick, you’ll see.” I lied knowing that this will probably happen again, but I had to reassure her that everything and everyone will be okay. Crawling into my own bed after this whole ordeal was as if someone poured sleepy dust into my eyes. I was beyond tired now. I was too tired to think of “what next” or “what if” my father starts his abusive manner again. Last thing I remember is saying goodnight to Abby. I 32 | P a g e

do not even remember turning off my bedside lamp.

Friday! It is finally time for the weekend that is after school only though. “Oh, I almost forget” I said out loud. I almost put my blue shirt and brown dress on.

Laughing at myself I scratched in my t-shirt drawer for a blue one. I must wear white shorts with a blue t-shirt. That is the color of our athletics house. It is our inter-house today and I can’t wait to run my heart out in the 100m race.

We have been practicing every afternoon this week. Abby was dressed already and waited for me to help brush her hair. “Oh the joys of being a big sister” I said as I took her hair band 33 | P a g e

out. We giggled because she had very fine hair and her neck hair always had knots in without fail. After brushing our hair, we had to rush to school or else we would not get a seat in the shade. Running and jumping, here and there and everywhere.

The sun is blistering hot with not a sign of rain. Blue as the ocean is all I see as lay on my back staring at the skies. I hear the kids laugh and run and play far in the midst. I hear the cap gun pop when the race starts and the cheering parents scream for their child’s team to win. But all I can think of is what I would give to have my parents here today. What a change it would be to have them scream and shout and cheer me on as I run my little legs to a pulp. I 34 | P a g e

sometimes dream of how things would be if there was not swearing and abuse at home. I always think of what my father could have accomplished without being so ill. Working an entire month just to give it to someone because you think something greater will happen with the little bit you have. I know that hard work pays off but what does that help? When I was smaller, I really did my best in class. I was even in the “A� class. So proud of myself then, but now I do not really care. If I study very hard and get very good marks, that will be expected of me all the time. The other thing is that there is never money so why study myself silly if I know that there is no money for further studies. I was kicked 35 | P a g e

back to reality when a boy tried to jump over me and literally fell over me.

Coughing and holding my ribs I tried to get up. I could not help but laugh. Lying there thinking of stupid things, serves me right.

“Are you okay? Did I break any ribs? Can you walk?” he asked continuously. “Oh, don’t worry, it is all fine. I will be fine.” I stuttered. Really... really, did this have to happen to me? He is so popular. He spoke to me... ME? Wow... I thought as I feel all the blood rush to my cheeks. I can hardly breathe but I'm not showing it to Bradley.

All I see is his perfect pearly white teeth smiling at me. His flowing brown hair is damp caused by the sweat running down his face and neck. I can feel how I drift 36 | P a g e

away in his forest green eyes. The different shades look like an oil painting of a forest on a rainy day. A touch of a hand shocks me back to reality. "Are you sure you are okay Gabby" he confirmed. I stepped back lifting my arm to break loose from his gentle grip. He was very cute but so out of my league. Anyway, I was not allowed to have boys as friends. That was a very strict rule in our household. You do not dare bring a boy that is a friend home.

My father would chase them away even before you could snap your fingers. To save myself the embarrassment I started walking towards the girls change rooms. “Gabby‌ Gabby, come! They are all waiting for you. They want to start the 37 | P a g e

race.” I heard someone say out of breath.

“I am on my way.” I screamed out of the change room. As I stepped out the doorway, I can see my age group gather, waving their arms for me to hurry up. I did not want to run and make myself tired before the race starts hence me lying on the grass earlier. I am now as ready as I’ll ever be right now. "On your marks" Mr Swanepoel said. Bending down, placing my hands behind the line thinking of what I want to really do. "Get set" he said. I am totally focused to give my all... "BANG!" the gun went off. Running as fast as I can, I feel the air blowing through my hair. My pony is almost as straight as a horse’s tail.

I need to get a place in the top 4. Run & 38 | P a g e

run and finally the race ended. I came third. If I think of it, third is not a bad place to come. It is not first but luckily not stone last either. I just smiled at myself as I stood proud as they announced my name.

I am secretly happy for another reason.

Reason being that I don’t have to be in the house of drama. I am free for a day. "Yes, yes yes!!!" is all that came out at this point in time. School was a so much fun today. I love participating in sport. It really takes the edge off my nerves and I can be myself.

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Chapter 4 As I get closer to our gate, I can feel by my wet palms that my nerves are building up.

I can hear them. My father is standing in the drive way. It looks like he is going out tonight. "Phew" I thought, luckily there is no fighting. He is actually very happy today. He is smiling and talking to SunĂŠ while shoving money into her hand. "Here, buy them some sweets." he said as he 41 | P a g e

started reversing his red car out. I can see my mother standing in her room behind the curtains. I know she feels relieved when he goes. Yup, my father was the happiest when leaving the house. He always said that he is going out, but I know he was on his way to the casino. For a man that hated alcohol, he definitely replaced it with gambling. It makes me so sad to see him so happy, leaving us at home knowing he is going to blow his money. I guess that we should be used to it by now but I always hoped that it would stop. My father gambled his money out while at times my mother had to work overtime to feed and clothe us. “Well, at least we will have some peace for a change.â€? SunĂŠ said 42 | P a g e

as she counted the money in her hands.

Entering the house I smelt the aroma of freshly baked bread. I love the smell of fresh homemade bread. “Mmmm” I said closing my eyes imagining some pure butter and strawberry jam on it. Knowing that there is probably only margarine, I still imagined it.

“Good afternoon mommy” I said. A huge smile is what I faced and I embraced her with open arms.

It feels like heaven when I feel her love through her hugs and kisses. I closed the smallest gap I could by tightening my grip around her body and she did the same.

Deep down inside, I feel very sorry for my mother. She was so kind and friendly and the love she has for people shines through 43 | P a g e

her entire being. My mother is a nurse and with her beautiful personality, she fits the shoe perfectly. She is cunning and caring, not to mention, having the world’s patience. I sometimes wonder where she gets it from. “Do you smell it Gabby?” she asked. “Oh yes mommy I do” I answered as I once again close my eyes to inhale the smell. “Get undressed, I will cut the bread and get the butter and jam out in the meantime.” I rushed to my room to get changed as quickly as possible. “Hey” I heard a voice said as I entered. “Hey Abby, you okay?” I asked. “I am fine thanks. Congrats for making the team.” she said politely. “Thank you Abby. I am glad too. I was wondering, would you like 44 | P a g e

to play some bunny-hop later on. It can only be fun.” “Sure, that would be really nice. The loser has to clean our room okay?” “Deal” I replied while digging in my drawer. I know I have a yellow shirt in here somewhere. I love yellow… it represents my mood and it is obviously my favourite colour, bright shiny yellow just like the sun. When the sun is out, all the children are happy and I can hear them at play from afar.

Their laughter just confirms their happy situation at home. I love playing with Abby. Hearing her laugh and seeing her play makes me happy because I know she is happy. I can see it for myself. Ah finally, found my yellow tshirt with green leaves on it. The writing 45 | P a g e

on it says “I have jungle fever.” I don’t know what it actually means but it made me feel free like being in a jungle with friendly people and lots of animals.

“Gabriella and Abigail, food’s ready.” We rushed to the door. Abby was faster out the door than I was. “Thank you mommy, this looks delicious.” Oh I was so grateful.

I only had my sandwich at school and some water for the entire day. This tastes just like cake as my mommy always says when she eats bread with jam. She was sitting across from us and told us a story of her own childhood. My mother had a very hard life growing up. My grandmother died when she was only 4 years old, so she actually grew up with my grandfather and 46 | P a g e

other family members. She told us of when she grew up and she had to walk miles and miles to school. Her sisters had to drag her to school every day. She really hated school.

They went to school without lunch because there was no bread. The welfare use to pay the people she stayed with to look after them, but the money was used on their own children. I could not believe my ears. She continued to tell us that while she was at school, there was a specific teacher that made inappropriate jokes. Before he started his jokes, he would always ask her to fetch him water from a certain tap. The tap was very far from the class so it would give him ample time to finish his joke. After school, 47 | P a g e

she had to run through factories to get home and most of the time she stopped to look if someone maybe put their lunch one side that they did not want.

Eventually there was a certain factory that had their break at the same time she would walk home. Someone in there used to make up an extra sandwich and put it on a certain place for her to find. This would occur at least two to three times a week. She continues by telling us that she was so grateful that there were caring people out there that knew she was starving hungry. She used to run as fast as she could to get to that spot every day, just in case they left something there for her to find. How can her own father let his 48 | P a g e

own daughter suffer like this? What kind of man would allow this to happen to his own flesh and blood? Now I understand why she says she misses having a mother.

I don’t think I would be able to get through one day without my mother. She continues to tell us that if she did not find the sandwich there, she used to run even faster to get home first. Knowing that there was no bread yet hoping there were some crusts in the drawer where they put it in. By the time she got home, she was totally exhausted. Even though she could hardly breathe, she rushed over to the bread drawer, hoping there would be just one old hard piece of bread. Scratching right at the back she would find rock hard 49 | P a g e

crusts. The only thing that they had to put on was jam. She smeared jam on the crusts and got herself a glass of water.

She used to dunk the crusts in the water to soften them and then eat it like that.

She says it use to taste like pudding to her… vanilla cake with a jam filling. “Here you go ladies, this is for all of us to enjoy.”

Suné said as she put all the sweets and chips and cold drink on the table. This was truly a feast. I can imagine eating it all tonight, but then again, there is no stopping us tonight. My father is not home so we can enjoy every last bit of it. I love sweet things but Abby, on the other hand, would rather go for the salty things.

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Suné runs to her room and turns the volume of her hi-fi up. We all got up and danced like hooligans, jumping up and down, swinging our hips from side to side and just enjoying ourselves. I must admit, it was really fun when my father went out.

We could be free… be who we really are… bring out our personalities and just love being with one another. I grabbed Abby’s hand and we did our own little rock ‘n roll dance. My mother laughed and then grabbed Suné to dance with her. They always dance well together. My mother is really a good dancer. She taught us some ballroom dancing moves and then the chacha and not to mention the rock ‘n roll.

“Oh Elvis was my hero in my younger 51 | P a g e

days” she shouted to be heard above the blaring music. One song after the next, one dance after the other is what we did until eleven o’clock that evening. The music was turned down a bit and Abby’s eyes were red. This time it was red because she was tired and not because she cried it like that. She is so beautiful, so pretty but yet she is hurting tremendously.

I know her little heart is broken, I know she feels lost… I know because I was there not so long ago. I got up to go sit by her. I let her put her head on my lap and I played with her flowy hair as she fell asleep. Looking down at her, I can only see perfection. A perfect little button nose that she rubbed vigorously when she was 52 | P a g e

tired. She has high cheekbones that I admire especially when she smiles. I love her rosy colour lips that hardly move when we are at home, due to the fear trapped inside her. Her long eye lashes compliment her dark brown eyes as it curls right at the end. I think she is a very pretty eight year old with natural beauty and perfect features.

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Chapter 5

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Waking up with purring is not a sound I love.

Allergies begin and non-stop sneezing kicks off. Matthew sneaked in during the night and slept by my feet. I felt him there but I was just too tired to put him out. Why is this cat so restless?

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Ugh, let me get up. OH wait, maybe Mary had her kittens. I can’t believe Abby is still sleeping. She must really be tired and exhausted after last night’s fun. I grabbed my slippers and rustled out quietly. I tried to close our squeaky door as quietly I could. With my back towards the passage and focused concentration, I pull it slowly and eventually closed the door. As I turned around, I stared into a face I least expected to be home. My father... “Ssht” he said quiet. “I was just about to wake you up to show you something.” he said walking towards the bathroom. There was nothing in the bathroom but I could hear it. Mary crawled under the bath, right to the back and had her litter there. “How 57 | P a g e

are we going to get them out there daddy?” I asked. He could see that I am very concerned. “They will come out when they are a bit bigger. As soon as they can walk actually, but I will try to lure Mary out to get to the little ones” he reassured me. “Can I wake Abby up?” I asked quietly, thinking that he will probably say no. “Just be quiet, your mother and Suné is still fast asleep” I opened our door to find that Abby was awake already but did not want to come out of the room. She was scared because she heard my father’s voice. “Come quick, I want to show you something. Well, I can exactly show you but I am sure you will love it anyway.” I said excitedly. “Daddy is home. Where’s 58 | P a g e

mommy?” she said with a fearful face. It looks like she is about to burst into tears any minute. “It is okay Abby, I promise.

Let me show you something. Come on…”

Abby eventually stood up and followed me. Quietly she walks into the bathroom and turns around and says “there’s nothing in here Gabby, what’s going on?” I put my finger on my lips indicating her to keep quiet then she will hear it. “Is that what I think it is? Is that the new babies?” she asked. She brightened up and her smile stretched from ear to ear. This is so amazing. My daddy is in a very good mood, my baby sister has a smile from ear to ear and the silence in the house was there because of peace and not people 59 | P a g e

ignoring each other. My father fetched his torch to see how deep the little kittens were. I am too excited to leave his side. I want to be the first one holding these tiny little kittens in my hands. I have never seen little new born kittens in my life and today’s the day that I can, if my daddy can rescue them from the dark whole they are hiding in. My father tried all morning and half the afternoon to get to the little ones.

I was not going to give up. I am still standing around just in case he gets to them. Eventually my mother called us to go have lunch. I helped my father with putting away all the tools he used in his toolbox. I could not help but smile, captured in my own thought, thinking of 60 | P a g e

how cute Matthew is. He tried to wake me up but I chose to ignore him. Washing our hands side by side, my dad playfully bumped me with his hips. “So kiddo, quite a situation we have here hey?” “Yup” I said nodding yes as I turned towards the towel rack to dry my hands.

“Mmm mommy, this looks really nice.” I complimented the food as she points to mine. As always, I take my father’s food to him where he gets ready to relax for the afternoon. Everything was back to normal and everyone enjoyed the rest of the Saturday afternoon.

There was no fighting. The adults played cards and chatted while Abby and I was playing bunnyhop. Sunday school was compulsary 61 | P a g e

in our home. My mother believes that it will help us build a future with the correct choices and positve thought pattern. I really enjoyed it. I normally met a few of my school friends there and we spent some time together. I really enjoyed the peaceful weekend. While getting up for school, I remembered about the little kittens that were still trapped under the bath. While I was getting dressed, I could not help but thinking of a plan of how we were going to get them out there. I put my best school clothes on; making sure my shoes are polished and shiny that I can see my face in it. Rushing along as I try to rush Abby on as well. Sheesh, what a morning!

I hate it when my mother works night 62 | P a g e

shift. Martha then tries to help us get ready for school while my mother is working. Martha is our daily helper. I don’t know what any of us would do without her here. I love her to bits. She is wonderful with us and treats us just the way she will treat her own children. I love the fact that she is so reliable. She helps my mother tremendously at home. She cooks and cleans and makes sure that we bath while my mom rest before her long nights work starts. Running to the kitchen, Martha has already packed our lunches in our bags. We had to just put it on our backs and run out. “Come Abby, we are very late this morning.” I wish I could stop time at a point. This running up a couple 63 | P a g e

of street blocks with a bag that weighs a ton is not for the unfit. Finally running into the gate as the bell rings feels like music to my ears. I am completely out of breath but I made it in time. And now I don’t have any time to tell my friend of the little kittens. Never mind, I will tell them during our first break. But for now I am just very glad that we were in time for school. I hate being late for school. They humiliate you by forcing you to enter at the office gate. If the office has to phone my father to say that we were late for school, we will never hear the end thereof. My first couple of classes after the assembly went very fast. I walked onto the field at first break and then only did I realise that I had 64 | P a g e

my jersey on inside out. I could not help but laughing at myself as I take it off to put it on the right way, and also realising that I have to share the news. Finally, I see my group of friends standing near the staircase. Should I run or should I walk, was the thought running through my head. I think a brisk walk will do it for me today. “Howdy gals” I said nearing the friendly faces. “Oooo, and what do we have here today?” while swopping lunch.

We call it share-swopping. Sharon's lunch is always the best. Today she brought toast with boiled eggs & mayonnaise that's sprinkled with steak & chop spice.

My mouth is watering for just a bite of her delicious looking lunch. "Sharon, you really 65 | P a g e

out do yourself. Do you make your own lunch?" I asked, struggling to take my eyes off the last slice in her hand. I hope that she craves for some peanut butter and syrup. That is all I have and only two slices.

"Here, I kept this for you." she said watching the expression on my face. I want to jump out of my skin, I was so grateful. I gave her both slices of my bread for her one. I can’t wait to wrap my lips around the slice of bread. I took a big bite, a huge one just to taste it and play with the mixture in my mouth. It feels like angels doing a happy dance on my tongue.

I closed my eyes, tilted my head up towards the bright yellow sun to feel the happiness within me. “Oh, I did not tell 66 | P a g e

you guys about the new addition to our family… We have kittens, brand new small tiny little kittens.” I expressed my excitement. Sharon loves cats and gave me her full attention. “There is only one problem though…” I continued. “And what is that?” Sharron asked. “Well, the kittens are trapped actually. They have been trapped the entire weekend or shall I say from Saturday morning. Matthew tried to wake me up but I was too tired.” I could see the sadness in Sharron’s eyes. “Is there anything I can do?” “We can’t do anything but to wait for them to grow a little to crawl out” I tried to explain.

“Crawl out from where?” Sharon asked inquisitively. “Mary had her litter under 67 | P a g e

the bath, right at the back in the corner. It is too far for any of us to reach.� Watching Sharron’s concerned little face and taking another bite of my sandwich formed a different taste in my mouth. “Not to be worried Sharron, we will get them out.

While I am sitting in my English class, I stare out the window looking at nothing. I am lost in my own thoughts, my own world. All I can think of is the kittens that are trapped under the bath, Abby that hides her feelings too well from the universe and my parents that fight all the time. Why do they always blame each other for everything? Have they never heard of communication? I believe that if you have issues with anyone, you should 68 | P a g e

solve the problem. Don’t let it get the better of you. Saved by the bell... Finally, I can go home. My mommy is probably sleeping now. I really hate it when she works night shift. Walking down the driveway, I can hear Martha in the kitchen, preparing our lunch. Abby is sitting at the dining room table already, waiting patiently for her food. I walked past her to put my bag in our room. She smiled at me but I know deep down inside, she is crying out for help. Help that only a doctor can give her. What can I do? I am only 10 years old and I am struggling with things too. All my friends enjoy music and love to dance and being a child, while I worry about when then next episode in my life will 69 | P a g e

happen. I walk on eggs most of the time and it frustrates me. I just want to be the normal little girl my heart desires. I always imagine myself on a beach, running free with my arms spread open as wide as an eagle’s wings and the wind brushing through my hair. I imagine the cold water splashing as I run on the shore where the waves foam towards the inland. I can taste the salt in my mouth every single time, I’m in my moment. “Hey wena, lunch!”

Martha said. She startled me; I thought I was going to jump into my clothes cupboard. It feels like my heart wants to jump out of my chest. Phew... that was really a smack back to reality. Returning back to the kitchen, Abby finished her 70 | P a g e

lunch already and is rushing me on so that she can do her homework. So loyal, is what she is. I am eating as fast as possible and trying not to choke at the same time.

As I was getting up, she started taking her books out to do her homework. Hmmfff...

I thought. I will start that just before my father gets home. It gives me less time to behave the way my daddy expects me to.

The week went by so quickly. I just could not fall asleep last night. It keeps on playing in my head over and over and over. I am so ashamed. I feel so dirty...

Who did he think he was? The nightmare just played in my head all the time. A family friend is what he called himself... All I wanted was the little kittens out from 71 | P a g e

underneath the bath. Sunday morning I could not wait to get to Sunday school. I need to pray that Jesus wash me clean and forgive me for my sins. “Jesus, please help me get through this.” Walked into the house after Sunday school, it was filled with the aroma of a home cooked meal. I put everything that happened yesterday aside to get through the day. Thinking to myself, today is the day that I get the kittens out. Mary wanted to walk out as I sat next to the bath. Scratching her head and giving her some love and attention, I pointed to the back where her liter was laying and said; “Mary, you need to go fetch them now.” She turned around and started to walk to the back again. I am 72 | P a g e

hoping that I did not scare her off now. I lifted myself to get up but something caught my eye. She brought the first little kitten out. A little brown one... so tiny and cute. I hardly believed my eyes. “Daddy... daddy, come quickly!” I shouted. She came out with another one. I just grabbed the towel that was in the bathroom. As I started picking them up so gently and putting them on the towel, my dad entered the bathroom. He was standing in awe in the doorway. He stared at me and said with a broad smile on his face; “You did it my girl! You did it!” I could hear the excitement in his voice. Standing next to my father, I could not help but stand with great pride. I am so proud of myself.

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“Well done Mary!” I said patting her head softly. She is looking tired and exhausted.

I am sure she was relieved to have her little ones out of the hole. I surely am very glad all her kittens came out there alive. I opened the door to our bedroom. Abby was sitting there all in silence. She is such a placid little girl. “Come see Abby, they are so small and cuddly.” I dragged her out the room, but as soon as she saw the little kittens she melted. “Ah Gabby, they are so beautiful.” She said while picking up the smallest one. “Daddy, are we keeping them? Can we give them names?” Daddy turns around and said “I am sorry Abby; we have to find them new homes. We have enough animals” 74 | P a g e

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Chapter 6

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Life is carrying on normal as it should be, but today I can feel tension in my stomach. I get the feeling that something is wrong or going to go wrong. I feel nauseous. My mommy is at home with Martha today. They normally clean like two crazy ladies. My mommy always says cleanliness is Godliness. I actually believe 77 | P a g e

her. I always sit and think of how beautiful the streets of heaven should be; gold and white. It must be a beautiful combination actually. I love gold. When I am big, I want rings on all my fingers. I want to expose my love for gold, not to show people I am rich or anything like that, but just to show how much I admire the streets of gold I will be walking on one day. I want to wear gold diamond earring that sparkles like the stars at night and a dainty gold chain with a pearl pendant that represents the beautiful glow of the full moon. “Gabby... Gabs... Gabriella!” I shook myself out of my gold dream to answer a question on the board. “I’m sorry Mam; please can you repeat the 78 | P a g e

question?” I asked blushing as red as a tomato. “Do you understand the long division Gabby?” she asked again. “Yes Mam, I do indeed.” I answered politely.

Luckily mathematics is one of my strongest subjects.

“Please can you complete the one on the board for me.?” she asked. I explained everything step by step as she wrote down exactly what I explained. “And that class is how it should be done. Thank you Gabby, you may sit down now.” I feel so proud of myself for completing the long division sum as she expected me to. She knows I am good in mathematics, but I think she could see that I was day dreaming. Well, the day of school has come to an end and it is time to 79 | P a g e

go home. Abby is so far ahead, I will never catch up to her even if I run. Walking home at my own pace, thinking of my own stupid little things, it struck me again. I feel ill... the nausea is so bad this time, I can feel my stomach turn and everything just wants to come out. I can’t hold it back and let loose in someone’s garden. I am throwing up in the middle of my walk home. What is happening to me? The vomit is pouring out of me. I can’t remember eating this much food or drink anything either. Spewing and spewing... eventually it stops. I picked my book case up to start my long walk home again. It feels like have been walking for hours to get home. I reached the gate and there 80 | P a g e

Abby was, sitting on the stoep crying her eyes out. “What is wrong Abby?” I asked with great concern. “Gabby, daddy is home and they are fighting again.” I rushed inside but before I go look to see what is going on, I have to get rid of this horrible taste in my mouth. After brushing my teeth, I knocked on my mother’s bedroom door. He is screaming at her and she is shouting back. He is calling her a bitch and a slut and all these horrible names. For some reason, she is not keeping quiet today. She screams back at him and accusing him of having an affair. I dare not knock again. I ran out to Abby and just held her. I held her tight to my chest and covered her ears. This is not 81 | P a g e

something we should experience. Her entire body is shaking. She is a bundle of nerves sobbing her heart out wishing that all of this must stop forever. I feel the same way. I don’t see why we should be exposed to violence and abuse. Slap after slap is all I can hear. I cringe knowing that there will be blood and bruises. I feel sick again, the nausea hits me again and I can feel the vomit sit in my throat. This is the last thing I need right now. Abby can’t be worried over me too. Even though we are only two years apart, I feel like her big sister. I am the only one she can really talk to or run to. Abby is a very quiet little girl and for obvious reasons too. The silence in the house is deafening as we 82 | P a g e

walked in. My father’s mouth is touted therefore it is just a meet, greet and run situation. “Good afternoon daddy.” we said as we walked to our room. I want to go to my mommy to make sure that she is okay, but my daddy is standing in hallway, making sure I don’t go near her. What if he hit her so hard that she is unconscious?

Maybe she is laying on the floor bleeding to death. The next moment, her bedroom door opens and she comes out slowly.

Swollen closed eyes and a bruised lip.

What does he get out of this when he beats her up like this? Why does he not hit other men that can take the punch and hit him back? I always look for answers in his black evil eyes, but there are no answers.

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“Mommy... uhm, can I help you mommy?”

I asked feeling like a dog with its tail between its legs. Fearing that he would hit me too yet chose to ignore the scared feeling, I slipped past him. She is on her way to the loo. She can’t even walk straight. I think this time she definitely has concussion. She is swaying from one wall to the other, trying to keep her balance and walk past the man that just beat her. I can see the fury in his eyes as I help her to the toilet. All I want to do is hit him... I want to man handle him like he does my mother. I want to shout at him and express how disappointed, scared, angry and hurt I feel inside. What is going on? I heard of divorce. Sometimes I think 84 | P a g e

it would be the best just to visit my father.

I do not want to be in this vibe and see all this going on. “You are so pathetic, your children have to help you to the toilet.” he yelled. “What kind of a mother are you?”

He shouted at her as we pass them. “You slept on dirty washing you dirty bitch.” he screamed it at the top of his voice. “You come from nothing... you deserve nothing... you are nothing!” he shouted as he walked away. He was so angry; I thought he was going to attack her again while I tried to assist her back to her bedroom. I remember not so long ago my mommy telling me that she was pushed from pillar to post when she was small.

My grandfather drank too much and was 85 | P a g e

in no state to look after my mother. When she was taken into this particular home, there was no bed for her, no linen and no warm blankets. She made herself a bed on dirty washing. She pushed it all together and bundled it up to try to make it comfortable for her to lay her head on to get some rest before the following sunrise. This is not a wonderful childhood, but to be reminded of those years this way, can only damage one’s self confidence and image. Suné walked into the storm from hell. It is as if she has an on and off switch to control her emotions but I can see the anger in her face. Her mouth is still but she lifts her one eyebrow up. That is the “What is going on?” look. I 86 | P a g e

normally just shake my head and no for her not to ask or point towards the room to go see my mom. SunÊ is a type of person that loves to dance and party her troubles away. She will come home in a bad mood, turn her music on and just dance until she feels better. It is a very unique way of dealing with her emotions and mood swings. Then you get the days where she really feels blue and under the weather and she then decides to sing all the golden oldies that remind her of the happier times in my parents’ lives. The days where my parents danced and talked freely, and the sound that I love more than a puppy barking is when they laugh together, were the better days. SunÊ 87 | P a g e

would sing and sing and sing and eventually Abby and I would join her. We would sing until it was time for my father to arrive at home. As soon as my daddy walked through the door, everything changed.

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Chapter 7

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A week has almost gone by and Mommy is still unstable but she had to go to work.

She bathed and put her hair in curlers and while waiting for her hair to dry, she got dressed and put on makeup. All the cover up makeup and the extra effort with all the pain is getting too much for her. She took the hairdryer and blew it directly 90 | P a g e

onto the curlers to make sure that her hair was dry before taking it out one by one.

The setting of her hair took approximately ten to fifteen minutes. Then the tin of Jane Seymour set two hairspray came out.

Mommy always says that the first impression lasts the longest. She says that when you are in the street, you need to be at your neatest every day. Mommy is the neatest person I know. She never has a hair out of place and then her makeup is done to perfection every time. Her uniform is brilliant sparkling white and her shoes are super clean. It always looks as if it was bought the same day. My mother’s hair is long and light auburn of colour.

Beautiful just as she is. Daddy is still upset 91 | P a g e

so that basically means that mommy either has to take the bus to work or make her own arrangements. Luckily for my mommy, it was the same week as Betty’s nightshift. Her husband picks mommy up and takes her to work. He was going there anyway so it was not out of his way and he always helped where he could. I hear my father’s car turn the corner and my stomach knots immediately. This is so intense. Abby runs to the room just to make sure she is out of the way. It is as if everyone scatters to their little safe havens. This is not what a home should be like. We should be able to sit in one room as a family without any snares of any sort.

The gate opens and the silence in the 92 | P a g e

house is deafening. I was still sitting in my mother’s room, watching her get ready for work. I heard the TV was on but that was only because I was watching. The back door opened and I just had a feeling that he was not in a very bad mood. I walked out of my mother’s room towards the kitchen. He stood there for a moment and looked at me, “Good afternoon Gabby.” he said with a smile on his face. I know he was still a bit angry because his lips are pulled stiff. Maybe, just maybe I would change his mind and take mommy to work this evening. I enjoy riding along even though they don’t say a word to each other, I just wanted to go out and see the building mommy works in. I would sing all 93 | P a g e

the way there and all the way and sometimes my daddy would even request a specific song. I would sing so that I can forget of what happened to me in the bathroom. Just the thought of it makes me sick. “Jesus, please just help me forget it, please Jesus.� is all that I could think of while singing the gospel hymns? A falling spoon brought me back to reality. Martha was taking out the crockery and cutlery and by accident dropped the spoon.

Daddy walked through to his room and Martha dished up so that we all could eat before mommy leaves for work. Daddy sits in his chair in the corner of the lounge.

Nobody ever dares to sit there when he is home. That is his chair and he makes it 94 | P a g e

known to whoever is sitting in his chair.

He watches my mommy as she leaves. I watch him so intensely; I can hear how he grinds his teeth when she gets into Wesley’s car. You can see his jaw move backward and forward. I don’t know what he is thinking when he does that but then softly he says “Bitch”. I know that was meant for my mommy. It is now Thursday and they are still not talking to each other.

They talk to each other through us. They involve us as children in their grownup fights. They can sit in one room where we are and my mother will say something and he will say, while my mother is right there: Tell your mother… You don’t want to disobey your father nor humiliate your 95 | P a g e

mother or let either of them feel like you are taking sides. You just want to watch TV and let them get on with their fight. Why drag me in I always ask myself. What is the point in that? They made me feel guilty, they made me feel as if it was my fault and to top it all off, they really made me feel worthless. I feel so worthless after the bathroom thing. I feel so dirty, so helpless and I have no one to talk to. Whom can I share my pain with? I bet they won’t even believe me so what is the actual use. Who would believe a small little girl as me? I will just pray for this horrible feeling to go away and for Jesus to cleanse me. I heard my mother scream and ran to her room.

There my father was. He pulled her clean 96 | P a g e

uniform off the hanger and trampled on them shouting at her “You will not go to work with that bastard, you bitch!” I just stood in front of my mother trying to keep him away from her. I know that he will give me one push and I will land on my bum, but I know he won’t push me. He walked out of the room as if nothing happened and whistled his way to his favorite seat in the lounge. Who else would help my mother get to work but Wesley? He was her only hope in not getting fired. I heard a hooter and told my mom that her lift was here. My daddy does not like Wesley and this also added fury to their ongoing fight. I don’t understand why he should be so angry; 97 | P a g e

after all, he does not want to take my mother to work. My mother walked out the front door and I stood there waving goodbye and wishing my mother a good night’s work. When I returned back into the house, my daddy asked; “who took your mother to work?” Knowing that my mommy has to get to work I lied and said it was someone else. I lied because I had to. My father got up just in time to see the back of the Wesley’s car. What I expected next changed my entire thought pattern.

He walked to me and slapped me through my mouth. “Why did you lie to me?” he yelled.

I tried to answer but the disappointment was more that the bleeding lip. I stood there with tears in my 98 | P a g e

eyes and all that came out was “I don’t know.” My daddy broke my heart because once again I was pulled in their fight and I had to accept it. I lied, I know that was wrong, but I lied with good intention. I did not lie to him to cause a fight between my parents. I lied to try to make peace between them. I lied to protect my mother from his evil claws and I lied to keep him calm. All of this is null and void.

He stood there after realizing what he did, but it was too late. It is all too late to take it back, too late to stop himself from being judged by others and too late to avoid utter heartfelt disappointment. I can’t breathe. Tears rolling down my face staring at him and eventually breaking 99 | P a g e

down and walking to my room is all I could do.

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Chapter 8

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A whole month went by and I did not get an apology from my daddy. I, however, did say that I was sorry, but I did not elaborate on my intentions for the lie. We were getting ready to go visit my aunt. She was pleasant to a point but had a nasty turn on her. My father has stirred a lot of nonsense between my mother and aunt, 102 | P a g e

my daddy's sister. My mother always said that my daddy and his sister are like a koek-susters plat. My mommy was at home and sent someone to call my daddy because she needed his help. He ignored her request and carried on playing cards with my aunty. We were never allowed to play in the house so we were outside as always. I heard my mommy calling my daddy. I told my daddy that my mommy was calling him but he told me to go play and as a natural response he chose to ignore my mommy. She eventually walked to my aunts and as she entered the back door my aunt attacked my mother. She first slapped my mommy through the face and then she pulled at my mother’s 103 | P a g e

beautiful long hair. I stood there at first, totally in shock. She then pulled my mother towards the sink. She pushed her head into the sink and hit her on her back.

I jumped in and she pushed me away. My father was holding me back and that is when I decided to scream and scream and scream. They stopped and looked at me as if I was crazy. I was holding my head and all I could do was scream my lungs out.

My mommy has gone through enough torture, who is she to torture my mommy too. I cried all the way home as we walked home. “I hate her” I said angrily. I don’t want anything to do with her. She must leave me alone. She might be my aunt, but I don’t have to sit with her nonsense.

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She is nothing better than my daddy. I want to rip them apart, I want them to feel how ripped apart my heart is. I am broken inside, totally shattered, yet none of them choose to notice. Walking home, my mommy told me of what a generous man my daddy's father was. She says that if he was still alive, he would have sorted them out quick-quick. My grandmother on the other hand could not stand my mommy. She was a wicked old lady according to my mommy. Arriving at home I went to my room and started drawing. Sketching is my happy place, my escape zone, my piece of heaven. I started drawing a face of two halves. One has resembled what I want to feel like and the 105 | P a g e

other resembled my heart. The beautiful half has a perfectly shaped eyebrow, below it on her eye lid she had night eye shadow on. She has sparkly green and brown shadow that complimented her hazel green eyes. The eye sees flowers and kindness and the beauty in others. Her beautiful features were brushed with a light and soft pink blush. Her cheekbones are even more expressed when she smiles or even laugh to share her perfect personality. The burgundy lip liner expresses her strong personality. It shows that she is firm in what she believes yet in a naturally beautiful way. Words leaving her thoughts pass perfectly shaped lips dusted with a touch of gold lipstick. With 106 | P a g e

long black flowing hair which confirms her confidence and her pretty self. The other side, on the other hand was the total opposite. The eyebrow was skew because of the continuous beatings. The eye looked like a blood pool, red and infected with all the evil it has seen and still will see when my daddy returns home from his visit. The eye shadow was blue and purple‌ like I heartfelt. It feels like someone has beaten my heart non-stop.

The slaps that I hear are also on as the eye shadow. The bridge of the nose is skew because he broke my self-esteem. I feel as if everything in my life is just going wrong, my marks are dropping and I just don’t want to continue giving my best. The lips 107 | P a g e

are cracked and red and full of blood. I want to tell them what I think about their fighting. I want to tell them how he broke me. I want to tell the world that something bad has happened to me, but I have no one. No one cares. No one knows. I have no one. I got such a fright when our bedroom door slammed. There my daddy stood, angry as hell. I stood up off my bed to show respect and to show that I need to stand up for myself. I expected him to slap me again. Another slap will not increase the damage already done. It will just show that he does not respect me. “You must remember to respect your elders. You were not raised like that and I will not tolerate it!� he said 108 | P a g e

firmly pointing his finger in my face. Cut me deep, deeper than words can ever explain. He chose his sister… that is all I could think of. “Yes daddy.” I replied as he opened my bedroom door. “You should stay out of this…” he mumbled as he closed the door behind him. How can I stay out of it? How can I if he drags me in all the time. He talks through me to my mother. That is their so called communication. I am disappointed in the fact that my daddy allows himself to feel smaller than grains of salt. Hurt because he chose his sister over his own flesh and blood…me! Abby walked in the bedroom thinking I was sleeping. Looks like her eyes want to pop out of her head. “Are 109 | P a g e

you ok, did daddy hit you again?” she asked concerned. “Nope, but he warned me.” I guess if I stand up for my mommy again, he will definitely give me a beating.

“Gabriella, what is wrong? It seems as if you changed.” “There is nothing wrong Abby, don’t worry about me. I will be fine.

God is with me so I will be fine.” I said and gave her a hug.

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Chapter 9

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The past week was dreadful. I could not wait to go to Sunday school. I need to speak to someone close to me, God. I felt closer to God than anyone else. He really helped me through the past few months.

Arriving at Sunday school this morning and I could not wait to get to the seats. I sing and praise God in the way He deserves to 112 | P a g e

be worshiped.

We sang the most beautiful gospel songs and played some games. I love being able to put my trust in God and know that He has an answer for everything. During our little classes we were taught to be humble and trust God. He will help us through difficult times. He will protect us when we need it even if something bad has happened to you. He will be your shoulder to cry on when you feel alone. He will be your friend when you feel pushed away. He will pick up your broken heart and heal it again. I could feel the tears run down my cheeks.

With no eye contact to anyone, I sat there in total silence. This is how I feel, exactly how I feel. All those things kept in a dark 113 | P a g e

place in my heart… in my soul. It feels terrible. It feels as if I am suffocating, I cannot breathe for some strange reason. I grab my chest and gasp for some air. And then I looked up only to find myself sitting alone in the room where we classes. My teacher noticed my abnormal silence and saw the tears on my cheeks. She asked the rest of the class to form a class with another smaller group. I cried and cried and I just could not stop myself. It is eating at me. I am just too young to be taking in all this pain. I hear the bashing and screaming and I see myself relay a message from my daddy to my mommy, then I see the bathroom… “Gabby, please talk to me.” I heard someone say. “I 114 | P a g e

cannot take it anymore.” I sobbed. “I don’t want them to fight anymore. I don’t want my father to hit my mother. I just cannot take it anymore.” I felt her hand on my shoulder. I moved in and just cried and cried until I felt better. “Gabby, you can come to me if you ever need someone to talk to. You cannot keep it bottled up and expect it to disappear by itself.” She explained. If she really knows the hurt I have been carrying since the bathroom incident, she will not touch me. I feel so dirty… I want to go home and bath. I want to take a long relaxing bath in my safe haven but that has changed to the room of nightmares. So much for my 15 minutes of peace and quiet under the water where I 115 | P a g e

hear nothing but my inner thoughts and then the nightmare pops into my head. I just cannot believe it happened to me and no one has noticed the change in me. My soul is crying out for help… yet no one hears… no one listens. When we finally arrived home all I could think of is what I told her. I am going to get such a beating for speaking out of the house. My daddy warned us time and time again about talking out of the house. He will give us a hiding that we will never forget he always reminded us. I could not go speak to the teachers because he threatened us. I isolated myself for the entire afternoon in my room. I sketched for the entire afternoon until four o’clock. I wanted to 116 | P a g e

go to church for the evening service too.

My daddy did not mind me going because his sister was there to watch me with hawk eyes so yet again, I could not speak to anyone about my problem. When I walked into the church I saw my cousin and I sat beside her. Not long after I sat down, the pastor and the leader brothers walked onto the platform. The music started and sang our hearts out. We sang and worshiped God and listen to the word he preached. “Protect your heart” was the message today. I really think God sent this message to me through the pastor.

Wow, what a powerful word… Knowing that my aunt and mother are still not communicating, I was still respectful and 117 | P a g e

greeted her politely even though I wanted to rip her heart out and scratch her eyes out. She just nodded and walked by. I know she is cross with me because I tried to stop her from hitting my mommy. Any child will protect their mother especially if they have been in an abusive relationship for such a long time. At least I was polite and did what was expected from me by my daddy. I can’t imagine what he will do if I did not greet. “Thank you for dropping me off. Good night everyone. I hope you all have a wonderful evening.” I said as I climbed out of the church bus. I can smell cinnamon…

“Mmmm, pancakes I whispered as I walked in.” There Suné was flipping it up in the air and catching it just 118 | P a g e

like they do it on TV. “You are just in time for yours Gabby. How many would you like?” she asked. “Please will you make me 3.” I put my order in and walked to see who is where in the house. Daddy was sitting in the lounge watching an animal show. Mommy was in the bath at the time. It is her week off so she can spend some time with us. I sometimes wonder what life would be like if we had more money, my daddy did not gamble and we had peace in the house that lasted more than two weeks. Walking into my room I grabbed my book bag to pack my books for the next day. “I bet they won’t even bother checking to see if there are actually school books in my bag”. Thinking of 119 | P a g e

having extra money made me realize that I did not complete a project that was due tomorrow. I know if I go to my father for money, he is just going to say the normal thing; “Go ask your mother, I don’t have.�

This was his normal answer that eventually I just gave up asking permanently. I know my mother did not have money because she had to cover the debt my father made. It is awful being stuck in this predicament. One Monday afternoon when I arrived home, mommy was busy spring cleaning. It has been months now that my mommy and aunty have not spoken a word to each other. It amazes me how people can choose to ignore others and even though they do 120 | P a g e

not talk to each other, they have a lot to say about one another. Reminds me of a story my mommy once told me about my granny not liking her and treating her like a dirty old rag. I remember my mommy telling me of a time when they lived with my daddy’s parents. She said the old lady was something out of a scary movie. She treated my mother like dirt and expected her to be the best daughter-in-law at all times. One day my mommy was very sick and the old man was at home. The old lady shouted at my mother to clean the house and stop being lazy and at the same time my oldest sister, Carol, was crying for attention. When the old man asked where my daddy was, she dare not say anything 121 | P a g e

because the old lady’s ears were alert to ensure that she does not tell him. She did not say a word but she shook her hand as if she was rolling dice. My daddy was with a group of his friends, standing around the corner gambling. It is sad to know that the addiction had hold on my daddy at a very young age. Surely someone must have realized that my father had an addiction and he needed some help. But then again, everything in those days was swept under the carpet, just like my daddy abusing my mommy gets swept deep under the carpet too.

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Chapter 10

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I was not allowed to go to my cousins.

They were also not allowed to play at our house. We could only see one another at school and that was also difficult for us too. My question is; why can’t adults sort out their own things in their own way and privately. Why did they have to drag the children into adult dilemmas? I guess I 125 | P a g e

should be used to it by now but I still have hope that things will change. I know that I need to have faith and patience yet I still have a lot of questions. I am writing my Afrikaans exam today. Luckily for me, I am fully bilingual. There is nothing strenuous about Afrikaans. Yesterday’s exam was difficult. I really do not enjoy History. I wish that I could change history; my own history but that will stay a wish I suppose because you cannot change back the hands of time and therefore what happened, happened. There's no way of changing my own nightmares into fairy tales and beautiful glamorous stories. It is all but that. Heading into the class towards my desk, I noticed a new girl in our class.

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She walked straight into an exam. I wonder if she knows it. "Good morning, I am Gabby. Welcome to our school" She is shy and not sure what to say. “Hi, I am Chantel” she answered. “Are you writing an exam today? I am not sure what to expect.” I looked around to ensure that the teacher has not walked in yet. I do not want to be chased out. “Yes, we are writing Afrikaans today. Do you understand the language?” I asked. “Yes, my mother is Afrikaans so I understand it really well. I hear the other kids talking, shuffling to their desks real fast and they are making more noise by trying to hush one another. What a disaster I thought this was. Sitting down in front of Chantel I 127 | P a g e

thought of my little sister. She is always so quiet and never say anything out of place.

A real people’s pleaser if I can put it like that. She hardly complains, she never asks for anything and she is always willing to help at all times. She is actually a sweet loyal little girl that has become a total introvert. I am sure she feels the same as I do. Too scared to say something out of proportion in case it is the wrong thing and they might pick up on our situation at home. That is how I feel around my friends. I am a total different person compare to any of my friends in my group.

It feels as if I am one person at school and another person as home. Mrs De Lange walked up and down the aisles in her 128 | P a g e

classroom to ensure that we did not have any crib notes and at the same time, she handed our exam papers to us. She was a wonderful person and I loved her classes. “Children, can I please have complete silence during this exam session.

Your paper is forty five minutes long.

Please remember that this is a language so keep in mind that your spelling is extremely important today. When you are finished, please put your hand up and I will collect the paper from you. Good luck children, I trust that you have studied hard and you know your work. You can begin.�

As I turned my paper around, I realised that the comprehension is about music; My deepest passion in life. I want to 129 | P a g e

become a singer when I am big one day. I love music. The comprehension is a total give away and I love the fact that it is my favourite subject. The rest of the paper also went well. I had to write a letter to someone far to inform them of something silly that has happened to me lately. And last but not least I completed the grammar section too. After Mrs. De Lange collected my paper, I lay on my arms. Different kinds of things ran through my very active mind. I cannot understand why people lay on their arms after completing an exam, but I sure do understand now. This weekend is going to be fun. I am going to make it fun for myself. I want to do something that I have not done in a while 130 | P a g e

and that is play with my doll. I want to play doll house with my little sister Abby. I am certain she will enjoy it. It is Friday afternoon and I am sitting in my room drawing. I love to draw a particular flower.

I have never seen this type of flower in real life, but it is one that my mommy drew for me years ago. I love that memory and if I feel down, that is what I then think of. The flower started as a small bud, but when I was finished with it, it looked like a giant flower with lots and lots of petals. The stem of the flower had dark sharp thorns and the seeds were as green as grass. The flower itself is a deep purple with lilac lines in it. It looks so beautiful. “Do you want to play sevens? I 131 | P a g e

pumped the ball up for us to play.” Abby said when she entered the room. “That is a great idea.” I replied as I picked my few bits of stationary up to put back into my stationary bag. While sitting in the bath everything rumbles through my mind.

How can I live a normal life knowing that a part of me is broken? My heart is broken, my emotion torn and my spirit shattered.

How can I look at things in a different light? I really hate scratching in my chest of drawers looking for my white pyjamas.

It has the most beautiful sparkly yellow stars around the moon. On the moon is a little man, a singular isolated man who seems lost in his own thoughts. He is watching the galaxy from the tip of the 132 | P a g e

moon with his knees drawn up till under his chin. As I pulled it over my head I heard the door open. The beautiful Abigail made her appearance in our bedroom. Her hair is combed back into a ponytail. She already bathed and had her little baby green nightie on with a purple and pink track pants and her soft pink slippers. My mommy believes that we must wear gowns when we get out of the bath. I do not argue because she is a nurse. “Gabby, mommy said we must climb into bed or else we won’t get up for Sunday school tomorrow.” She turned the bedside lamp on and switched the big overhead light off.

“Gabby…” she whispered as we lay in bed. “Yes Abby?” I 133 | P a g e

answered while shuffling to get comfortable. “Gabby, you changed. Did I do something wrong? Why don’t you want to play with me anymore?” she said with great sadness in her voice. “Abby, nothing happened. I am ok. I will play more often with you if that will make you happy.” I said trying to turn the guilt feeling into a tiff. I feel totally horrible.

We use to play every day after school. We are drifting apart and I am very guilty of that fact. I did not mean for us to drift far apart but I chose it to hide my fear. Abby knows me all too well and that scares me more than a nightmare. If I have to tell her what happened to me in the bathroom, she will not hesitate at all to 134 | P a g e

run to my mother.

There will be screaming and shouting and beating and even a murder I think. That is not something that I could ever live with. My mommy opened the door to wake us up but we surprised her. We got up early to make sure our room is clean before we go to Sunday school. We were sitting on our beds all dressed and ready. My mommy was taken by surprise and you could see the pride in her eyes. We were also very proud of ourselves. She handed our coffee and said “Wow my girls, your room looks so neat and tidy. And you are dresses too. You both look so beautiful.� I really felt beautiful today. I had a jean skirt on, a polo-neck shirt and a waistcoat.

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We were dressed like twins. I love it because people use to think that we were twins. I loved playing the fool. It makes me laugh out the pit of my stomach and it gives me the best feeling ever. As we got on the bus I recognised a new face. He stayed in the same block of flats as my friend Kerry. She kept a space for me to sit next to her. “Gabby, this is Joe.” Kerry introduced. “Hi Joe. What made you decide to visit our church?” I asked politely. He is very short so if I take a guess I would say he is about a year younger than me. He has dark brown hair with hazel eyes. His lips compliment his smile in many ways. “Uhm… I… uhm…

Kerry invited me so I decided to come see 136 | P a g e

what it is all about.” He said as he put his head down… all shy. “I’m sure you will love it. I do!” The bus stopped in front of the church and we all got out. As normal, the girls sit on the right and the boys on the left. Uncle Harry started singing and we all joined in. We sang a song where we all had to move up and down and turn around and sit down and up again. I love that hymn. They asked everyone to go to their classes so that our lessons can begin.

As I walked into our class I heard a soft voice call my name. “Gabby… Gabby, please will you come here for a moment?”

She asked politely. “O…Ooooo” I thought to myself. This is not a good sign. Running the last couple of days through my head, 137 | P a g e

thinking of anything that I might have said or done to other children, I walked slowly up to her. “Good morning” I said softly.

Nothing comes to mind so what is this all about. “I heard you were very upset in last week’s class.” I put my head down slightly still keeping eye contact. I felt like a puppy with its tail between its legs. “Yes, I was, but it is all sorted out now.” I tried to escape her but there was no letting go this time. She was focused on me. Her big brown eyes were on me all the time, looking for questions in my eyes. Not even answers. What did I get myself into?

“Gabby, I am not letting you go until you tell me what the matter is.” I can’t tell her.

She will tell my aunt then I am as good as 138 | P a g e

dead. My father will give me a hiding I will never forget because I spoke out of the house. “I am sorry, I cannot tell you. It will cause more trouble for me and others.

More than you’ll ever know.” I said. I cannot tell her, full stop! “The pastor said that you might react like this and if you do, I need to call him so that he can speak to you. He thought it would be better if a lady tries to speak to you first.” She explained. “Listen; with all the respect in the world, I still want to come to church.

If I say anything, everything will change, and not for the better.” I pleaded. I dare not tell her. Thank goodness, someone else needed her and I could not walk faster to my class than I did. Sitting in 139 | P a g e

class with my mind far away, I realised that maybe it is not a bad idea just to tell someone. What is my daddy going to do?

Give me a hiding for seeking help? Help that they need… not that he wants any…

The class was adjourned and I ran to the bus. Joe was already in the bus. I sat next to him and put my head on his lap. “Hide me. There’s a lady looking for me and I don’t want to talk to her right now. Please just hide me.” Joe did not know what the hell was going on, but I did not really care at the moment. I know she is standing on the stairs looking for me. “Is there a woman with a red dress looking this way?”

He did not hear me so I pinched him.

“What the…” “Is there someone in a red 140 | P a g e

dress standing on the stairs looking in the direction of the bus?” Yes. But what.." he tried to ask a question. "Shht! It's going to look odd if you talk." I repeated myself.

“Don’t look down, just sit dead still.” I said l. "Yes. But what.." he tried to ask a question. "Shht! It's going to look odd if you talk." I heard the bus start up and it started moving shortly after. When it was a distance away from the church, I lifted my head. “Thank you so much, you saved my life.” I said. “Do you mind telling me what that was all about? Or should I rather not ask?” Imagine I must tell this boy my sobby life story… he will never want to come back to our church. “I would take the; rather not ask, bit.” We giggled all the 141 | P a g e

way home. We chatted as if we knew each other for years. I also found out that he is two years older than me. I hope he comes back next weekend. He is an easy person to talk to. Phew, what a morning.

Just by walking into the back door, I can feel the tension in the house. "Yes madam, and what did you tell that woman in church?� He was upset. I can tell him whatever I want; he is not going to believe me. "I did not say anything. I promise you daddy, I did not tell her anything. I ran away from her." "You better not be lying to me." he warned me. "Yes daddy." I answered him. That short conversation made my appetite disappear like dust in a windstorm. I was hungry when I walked in 142 | P a g e

but that feeling was replaced with fear, anger, disappointment... you name it, it was cutting through my heart like a hot knife through frozen butter. The place that I felt the safest in is now known as an enemy den. It is rather sad how people can change the atmosphere in a place.

They will not get the better of me. I will go to church and face the people. I do not go to church for others, to please other or to put up a show. I go to church for me. I go to church to speak to God and to cry my heart out. I go to church because he is the only one that understands me and knows me inside out. I go to church for me. After lunch, I decided to have a look to see what I am wearing to church 143 | P a g e

tonight. I must be honest with myself but I am very nervous too. I don’t know what will happen tonight. I do expect the lady to confront me again and this time I need to tell her some of the things that have been bothering me. I will take it one day at a time and play it as it comes. After dragging out my cherished pink dress I realised that I need to clean my white shoes. Mommy always says that you can tell a lot about a woman by the cleanliness of her shoes. I will make sure that it is spotless clean. I see that my mommy is also looking for clothes to wear to church tonight. I love it when my mommy comes to church with me. As the time ticks closer to four o’clock, I started to get 144 | P a g e

dressed. Mommy is in her room too. She always uses perfume… Opium perfume. I love that smell. It does not matter where I am or who I am with, if I smell Opium perfume all who I can think of is my mommy. I hear the bus’s hooter around the corner so I ran outside to ask them to stop in front of our house so that my mommy can get on the bus. My aunt is already on the bus and that made things a bit awkward.

As normal, I greeted everyone that was on the bus already. I moved to the front where there were smaller seats. As I looked to my right, there he was. “Hi again.” He said. I smiled and said “I thought that I scared you away this morning.” He threw his head back and 145 | P a g e

laughed. “That little incident only wanted me to come back for more.� He joked. I laughed all the way to church thinking of this morning. Arriving at church, the lady was outside greeting the people joining the evening service. As the group of people approached the door I slipped in unnoticed. We started the evening with a soul hymn and the Holy Spirit took it from there. It was with one particular hymn that I just burst out crying. I do not care what Joe thinks of me. All I know is that I need to get it off my chest. We sang in praise and worship. The pastor invited anyone who has a burden on their chest, to join them in front. As I walked down the aisle, I came to realise who is standing 146 | P a g e

there already. I can do this. I am not here for anyone but for my own soul. The pastor started praying for the people but she is walking directly to me. I just cried.

“Dear child, let it go. I will pray for you.”

She said before we both closed our eyes.

“Jesus, here is a young soul today that is carrying something in her soul for quite some time. Jesus, help her and give her strength to fight this battle with your help God. I thank you God for helping her thus far Lord and I know that you will set her free from whatever it is that is bothering her.” I can feel my legs buckle beneath me. I can feel how her words cut through my heart because every word she is praying is true and exactly what I need.

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“Lord, You be her shoulder, Lord you be her strength and Lord you save her. I ask this in the wholy and almighty name of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, Amen and Amen” Opening my eyes only to realise that I am the only person standing in front. The pastor asked the lady to take me to the prayer room where I can talk to her. I have to speak to someone and now is the time. My legs feel like jelly and my entire body is shaking. “Gabby, what can I do to help you?” she asked looking straight into my soul with her big eyes. “I need you to listen. Don’t ask me anything, I just want to get it off my heart.” I answered. She is sitting with tissues in her hand. She offered me one which I was 148 | P a g e

grateful for because mine is in my bag. “My mommy and daddy fight all the time.

He beats my mommy and he calls her names. It is so bad that my aunt also hit my mommy. They have not spoken in months and that saddens me. I love my family with all my heart, but what my aunt did to my mommy is unforgiving. It breaks my heart to know that my father allows this to happen. Even though it did not happen in our house, I still think someone has to speak to them to make peace. It is so heart breaking; I had to watch my cousin through my mommy’s bedroom window leave for her matric farewell. I want to have fun with my family, but that will never happen as long as the fights and 149 | P a g e

backstabbing continue. My mommy is not an angel in this whole scenario either. She let known of crucial secrets of my aunt.� I sobbed. I can feel how she cups me like a mother holds a child. No child should ever have to go through things like this. The more I cried, the tighter her grip became.

I do not want sympathy; all I want is peace between the two homes. I want to be able to speak to my cousins freely and not being asked a millions questions when I return from a short visit from my aunt’s house. This was tearing me apart. After a long discussion with the lady, I realised that they are singing again meaning that the church service has come to an end.

Walking up the stairs I took the slipway 150 | P a g e

through the one door and entered again through the back door. “Hey…” I said. I could see that Joe was a bit confused.

“You okay?” he whispered. “I feel much better. That was worth the cry. Thank you for asking.” He smiled and gave pushed me slightly with his shoulder. I got on the bus only to realise that my aunt and mommy is not in the bus as yet. My mommy was close to the bus when she heard someone call her name. I am so nervous because it is my aunt’s voice. She put her arms around my mommy and whispered “I am so sorry for all the wrong doing that I have done to you. Please forgive me.” Tears ran down my cheeks. Is this really happening or did I fall asleep. “I 151 | P a g e

am also sorry for everything.” My mommy said. This is why I come to church because miracles like this do not occur everywhere.

I am so happy that they made peace. I know I am in a lot of trouble with my daddy when we get home, but to see them hug and speak to each other was worth any hiding. Joe grabbed my hand and squeezed it and I looked at him and whispered “I am okay, these tears are happy tears. I am so happy right now; I don’t think you understand just how grateful I am.” I said as I squeezed his hand back. “Joe, this is a miracle that you are seeing right before your eyes.” He smiled and said “I knew there was a reason for me to be here tonight.” As the 152 | P a g e

bus was about to stop at our house, mommy said to tell daddy to come over to my aunt’s house. She will wait for him there. I opened the door finding my daddy sitting in his favourite chair watching TV. “Daddy, mommy asked if you would please go to Aunty Shelby’s house. She will wait there for you.” I did not even finish my sentence and he was out the door. I know I am going to have a good night’s rest.

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Chapter 11

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It is the last day of school today. The teachers will be handing our reports to us today. I know that I passed all my subjects but the marks on the report, does not reflect my true potential. It is just enough to make sure that I am either average or above average. I did not hand in my project for history and other subjects so I 156 | P a g e

had to study hard to pass it just with my exam marks. My highest results are maths.

That is normal for me. I wonder what Abby's report looks like. That should be more or less the same as mine actually. I am excited to share the good news with mommy and daddy. I passed the year and I am moving to a higher grade. This is great news. I hope they will be proud of the fact that I have passed. I am sure they will be happy for me. “Gabby… Gabby…

Gabriella, wait for me.” Abby is smiling from ear to ear so she definitely also passed. “I did it; I passed even with everything that happened around us.”

She shouted with excitement. I think it is more relief because she did not really 157 | P a g e

study. I had to force her to get her committed to just study to pass the year.

“I am so proud of you Abby. See, I told you that you will do fine. Look at you, so happy that you are moving up in life hey?”

I teased her. She pushed me playfully and looked at me and said “It is thanks to you and mommy that motivated me.” I am really proud of Abby. One thing I promise myself is one day when I am married and have children of my own; to help them just like my mommy helps us. My mommy taught me how to study; she even wrote the work out for me in different colours.

My mommy is a true blessing in my eyes. I think I am going home to tell her that. She needs to hear just how much I love and 158 | P a g e

appreciate her. Abby and I ran down the drive way hoping that one will enter the doorway before the other. I let Abby go first because she was so small. I did not want to ruin her moment. “Mommy, you are going to be so proud of me. Look here; take a look at my report.” She said while stretching her hand out, handing the report to my mommy. I know how she did and Abby needed to hear that she has done exceptionally well. I put my bag down on the floor.

I can see the excitement in my mommy’s eyes. Her lips widen with a smile of pride as she grabs Abby. “Well done Abby, you are a superstar. See how all that hard work paid off?” she asked. I stood aside to take in 159 | P a g e

this moment of tender pride. She held Abby so tight and Abby loved every moment thereof.

Abby is not very affectionate and hardly expresses any feelings whatsoever. This is a moment to treasure. I can wait as long as it takes to show mommy my report. Abby is such a wonderful little girl. I know that she cries herself to sleep when they fight and it gets too much for her to deal with. I just wish there was more I can do than give her love and a shoulder. She is a strong little girl and I love her with all my heart and soul.

We are not being brought up to express such loving words to one another. As I handed mommy my report, she looks in my eyes seeking the questions that 160 | P a g e

scrambles my head. “Gabby, you are doing so well in school. I am very proud of you.” she said while holding both my hands in one hand. This is the moment where I normally walk away but I think she wants to talk to me. “Abby, why don’t you get undressed and I will ask Martha to make you something to eat.” “Gabby, I never took the time to thank you for making the peace between your aunt and I. It is a huge relief that we can talk again and be in one house again. Thank you Gabby.” she said while the tears run over her angel face. I don’t think she knows how relieved I am. “Mommy, I love and appreciate you. I don’t ever want to see you hurt and torn apart like that ever 161 | P a g e

again.� I replied as I held her tight around her waist. I know that is not entirely true because if I have to tell them what happened in the bathroom, she will be entirely shattered. She is going to feel as if it is her fault hence my complete silence.

Today is one of the days that I just cannot wait for daddy to come home. I keep on looking at the time. It seems as if the time is standing still today. I want to show daddy that I passed and he can be proud of me. I just want him to be happy.

Mommy made delicious dinner. It is like Sunday lunch on a Friday night. Mommy made white rice with tomato and onion gravy, sweet pumpkin, roast potatoes and roast chicken. That is my favorite food.

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There is nothing that compares with this dinner. I heard the gate open and I watch my daddy drive pass the kitchen window to park his car in the back yard. “Gabby, I know that you are excited but give daddy a chance to sit down okay!� she said.

Mommy knows daddy better than anyone I know. Mommy knows exactly what will cheer him up and what will twist his mood to bitter and cold. She told me that daddy will be proud of us even though he might not say it in so many words but he means well. I know he means well but sometimes a child needs to hear how happy they make their parents too. It was always a shock to see daddy kiss mommy and then take his coat off. I am watching his every 163 | P a g e

step of the way. As soon as he sat down, I was in the lounge to hand him my report.

Abby was right behind me. I took a step to the side for Abby to hand her report to daddy first. I can see the nerves in Abby.

She is shaking like a leaf, but I am sure it is all for nothing. Daddy’s face brightened up with a huge smile. “Abigail has worked very hard the last term and we are proud to say that she is now promoted to a higher grade.” Daddy read. He smiled from ear to ear and said “Well done Abby.

Well done!” Abby was so happy she grabbed daddy around the neck and hugged him. “Thank you daddy” she whispered in his ear, kissed him on the cheek and ran out of the lounge. “Mmmm 164 | P a g e

Gabby my girl, what have you got for us today?” he said. I smiled as I handed him my report. His one eyebrow lifted. I felt nervous because that was never a good sight. I bit my bottom lip as I started to get worried a bit. “Gabby, is there something wrong baby girl?” he asked really concerned. “No daddy, I am fine. I did not hand in some projects because I knew there was no money to make it. The results on my report are only my exam marks. I had to study real hard to pass the last term.” Daddy’s face dropped. He looked at me with concern “I am sorry Gabby, I will make sure you have everything you need to do projects.”

“Thank you daddy.” “Gabby, well done for 165 | P a g e

passing. I am sure it took a lot of hard work to pass the last term without the completion of your projects.� I nodded yes and hugged him. After our dinner, I called Martha to do the dishes. I cannot believe that we are all home on a Friday night, sitting together in the lounge watching TV. We heard people screaming in the street, we all jumped up to see what was going on. The commotion is about a robbery at the top shop. The police are looking for the robber. I stood half behind my daddy.

Knowing that there is a robber on the loose scares me. For once I am the one that is scared. Daddy said that Abby and I must go inside because this is not a scene for children. Abby was shaking like she 166 | P a g e

does when mommy and daddy fights.

“Don’t worry Abby, everything will be fine.

The police will catch him.” I am just as scared but I won’t show it to her. She needs to feel safe. It is getting late and I decided to climb into bed. I heard a noise coming from the neighbor’s. He was screaming for help. His voice sent shivers down my spine. I jumped up on my bed as I heard someone running like a horse up their driveway. I could see him lying there, totally motionless. His eyes were open. He hardly breathed. There was a panicked knock on the front door. “Please ask the uncle to take my brother to the hospital. He has been stabbed.” The person begged. I ran out of the back door 167 | P a g e

and looked over the wall. He was dead… the man that molested me got what he deserved. He is dead. I looked at him for a while and prayed that God forgive me for hating him for what he has done to me.

He stole my innocence, he knew that what he was doing is wrong, yet he did it. It is the man from the bathroom. “Close the door” he said, “and I will get your kittens out.” What did I know? I was only a child that listened to a grownup. Respect your elders is what my parents drilled into my memory box called the brain. As I turned around, he had his penis out of his pants.

This pink thing standing up straight. I could not move and could not help but stare at it. I wanted to throw up. “Do you 168 | P a g e

want your kittens?” he asked. “Yes, I do” I answered. Thinking that he was going to get the kittens out, I did what I was told.

What did a six or seven year old know? I did what I was told. “You need to suck on this and If you don’t then I am going to tell your father you did not want to help me get the kittens out” I cried as I bent down towards his penis. He lifted it up towards me and said “Suck it, now!” I did not want to disappoint anyone and I wanted the kittens out so I lowered my mouth towards his penis. “Suck it harder!" He demanded. My mouth was not even big enough for it to fit properly. He held my head down and forced me to suck on it. I started to make noises because I could not 169 | P a g e

breathe. He finally let go of me. He told me to sit behind the door and keep quiet while he played with himself. I closed my eyes and prayed so hard for everything to be over. I had to sit there and watch him the whole time. It seems like hours. My family were right outside the door but it felt as if I was stuck to the floor. There was white stuff that spurted out of the tip of his penis. He made funny noises and I just had to sit there. All I want to do is scream, run, yell but I froze. I froze‌ Knowing that he is dead gives me inner peace that he will never get to Abby and she will stay innocent as I should have been too. I hated the man for breaking me inside. He was the cause for my sleepless nights. He 170 | P a g e

was the man that haunted me in my dreams. He stole something from me that I would never be able to share with my future husband. I feel nothing for this man lying dead. He felt nothing when he forced my head down on his manhood.

Nothing... not a bit... zilch... may he rot in hell. He deserves nothing else. Thank you Lord for setting my soul free.

The best part of his murder‌ is my freedom!

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