How do you cope with the loss of a loved one?

Written by DeeDee Dupree

While there are many types of losses that we experience throughout our lives, the loss of a loved one is the most difficult one to bear.

Whether it be a miscarriage, losing a spouse, family member or dear friend, do yourself a favor and make time to grieve. Grief is an unwanted, unsettling, often demanding emotion. It needs your time and attention. It will surface in unexpected, often embarrassing situations simply because you were “too busy” to process it. You tell yourself that you can’t emotionally deal with it. That work is crazy, and you have deadlines, or the kids are pulling you in every direction, and you just can’t fall apart right now. You feel like you have to be strong and keep it together for everyone else. You immediately try to close off your feelings and begin to tend to those around you.

You must stop and take the time you need to grieve.

There is no time table for grief, and each person handles it differently. But a common mistake is to ignore the process altogether. We submerge ourselves in work in an attempt to get through it. STOP! You need time to reflect and process the loss. Grief is not a weakness. It is an emotional and psychological necessity. Think of it like this: Take a long piece of string. Lay it flat on the table, extended end to end. This straight line is how we expect the process to be. Love, loss, mourn and move on. Now, take that string and make several figure eights, then wad it up. Now, look at it. It’s complicated and difficult. Grief is like that.

Consider the advice that we often give others.

When we see a friend grieving, we try to say all the right things. “Get out of the house, go for a walk, don’t isolate, keep yourself busy.” Then there’s my favorite, “What can I do for you?” Let that soak in for a moment. We are so willing to comfort others yet neglect our own needs. Take the time you need. Selfcare is not indulgent. It’s imperative. The first instructions you receive on any flight are that if oxygen levels drop, to put your mask on before helping others. You can’t effectively help others or do your job if you don’t first tend to yourself. It’s a great metaphor. In life’s times of turbulence, make sure you’re emotionally nourished and providing yourself with the loving care you deserve. What do you do when it feels as if the pain won’t ease? “It’s been a year, and I’m still not okay.”

Remember that grief is a journey. It’s not your final destination.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, consider consulting a grief counselor or joining a support group. Remember, it’s okay not to be okay every day. There’s also no shame in seeking help. You may need to talk about it. A counselor can give you tools to help you move forward and navigate your sadness. Just make sure not to fall back into the “I don’t have time to go to a counselor” mentality. It’s not about having time; it’s about making time. If your friend needed you to take her to a counselor, you’d find the time. If it matters, you will make time. You matter! After all, you are the only you there is. Be kind to yourself and go conquer the world.