Introduction

INTRODUCTION

All Christians are called by God to “clothe [ourselves] with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” and to “bear with each other” in times of heartache, strain, and fear (Colossians 3:12–13). But a few of us sense God’s calling and gi ing—and the nudge of the Spirit—to get more deeply involved in the lives of hurting people. ose who want to be agents of God’s healing, forgiving, restoring power need training to sharpen their skills. If you want to be God’s hands, feet, and voice to bring grace, truth, and hope to people who feel only guilt, confusion, and doubt, this training is for you. You are about to embark on one of the greatest adventures in life: a partnership with God in touching the lives of men and women, young and old, who desperately need to experience God’s kindness, wisdom, and strength. Even if you are already known for your compassion and care, this training will provide additional insights, skills, and resources to help you become even more e ective. We all know people who are deeply hurt. It’s hard being married to someone who doesn’t love you . . . to lose a parent or child . . . to ba le cancer . . . to have kids who think you are the worst parent in the world . . . to face bills when you don’t have enough money to survive . . . to grow up without a dad . . . to try to forget a past abortion . . . to be abused by someone you loved and trusted. And many of us have experienced these same wounds ourselves. We now simply want to share with others the hope and healing we found in Christ. People around us try to hide their hurts, but if we look closely, we’ll notice the evidences of their pain, anger, and fear. If we take time to look “behind the eyes” of people, we’ll nd deep pain and brokenness. What do they do with their pain? Some try to press on and hope that if they keep their eyes closed long enough, the pain will go away. Some cry and beg for relief, but still feel hopeless; some try to intimidate others to gain power over them; some try to please everyone to earn their love; some try to ll the hole in their hearts with success; and some try to numb the pain with drugs, alcohol, gambling, food,

INTRODUCTION

or sex. It’s no wonder that Solomon wrote, “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:13). Whatever the struggle, God assures people that they are never alone. He never promises a problem-free life, but he assures us that there will be no storm too great, no load too heavy, or distance too long. In every circumstance, he is present, and he can use even the most painful moments in our lives to deepen our trust in him and give us more compassion for others who hurt. God’s plan to give hope and direction to those who struggle involves people like us who become his voice, his arms, and his feet to carry and communicate his love to hurting people. In fact, he delights in using us to give hope to the hopeless, direction to the lost, and strength to those who feel weak. We have the unspeakable privilege of communicating grace and truth to people in the most vulnerable moments of their lives.

COMMON PROBLEMS

A glance at e Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association is enough to give those who want to become lay counselors a shock of reality and cold feet. Page a er page lists and describes the symptoms of all the recognized psychiatric disorders. Caring friends, though, are not psychiatrists. We are shepherds who care for people in our churches and our communities. We aren’t professionals, but we’re o en the rst point of contact in hurting people’s search for hope. Some of the people who come to us simply need a friend with a listening ear. In two or three conversations, we help them sort out the confusion in their lives and provide enough hope and direction for them to take the next steps on their own. But many people need more than a few conversations. ey need professional care or long-term assistance from a group or agency. Referring people to competent professionals is an essential part of being a wise and trusted friend. First, let’s examine some of the most common problems we’ll face.

Marriage problems

Drs. Les and Leslie Parro , authors and professors, observed that the vast majority of trouble in marriages stems from four areas: nances, sex, children, and in-laws.1 Most marriages struggle with these issues at some point, and many strain under the weight of multiple issues at the same time. ese four topics, then, form a grid for understanding the complexity of problems when you talk to an individual or a couple struggling with a strained marriage.

Some people come to us when they learn of a spouse’s adultery or a raction to pornography, some come because they are considering divorce, and some come a er they’ve gone through a divorce and they feel like colossal failures. e American Psychological Association estimates that forty to y percent of marriages end in divorce, and the rate is even higher for subsequent marriages.2 ese startling statistics don’t include the number of marriages that are li le more than armed truces between two people resigned to live in nagging resentment, distrust, and emotional isolation.

Parenting

Children, and especially teenagers, can be out of control for many reasons. Don’t assume, however, the children’s struggles are necessarily the result of poor parenting. Quite o en, parental permissiveness or harsh treatment exasperates children, but children are free, moral agents. Even the best parents can have a child who makes terrible decisions when in uenced by peers or hormones. Always see a child’s problem in the context of all relationships in the family. Both parents need to be brought into the search for answers, either at the early stage with you or with the counselor. Blended families o en create tremendous tension because virtually every person comes to the table with deep hurts and sha ered expectations. e a empt to put two families together can be explosive.

Anger

Anger is a common, God-given, normal, healthy response to real or perceived threats to ourselves or to those we love. e way we handle this emotion, however, can be healthy or destructive. Anger is incredibly powerful, but many people, including many Christians, don’t understand it. ey assume all anger is wrong, mainly because they’ve seen so much damage caused by unrestrained expressions of it. is emotion can show up in many di erent ways, including explosions of rage, scorn, withdrawal, cursing, violence, sarcasm, blaming, and many others. When anger isn’t resolved, it poisons the person and the person’s relationships. Eventually, the body can’t bear the constant strain, and the pent-up emotion can result in a wide range of physiological problems.3 Many “good Christians” won’t even admit they’re angry. ey insist they’re only “frustrated,” but they’re seething inside. e rst step for them is to understand that the feeling of anger isn’t wrong. e expression of anger is good and right if it prompts people

INTRODUCTION

to set boundaries, speak the truth, and resolve con ict. But it’s tragic and destructive when anger is used to punish the o ender. Prolonged, unresolved con ict and unrelieved anger is one of the chief causes of depression.

Addictions

e epidemic of addiction in America sha ers individuals and families. Agencies estimate there are een million alcoholics and ten million drug addicts in our country. Five to seven million people are addicted to prescription drugs. ree out of four juvenile delinquents have at least one parent who is an alcoholic or addict. Teenagers binge drink at alarming rates. An estimated ten to een million adolescents need substance abuse treatment each year. e problem, of course, isn’t only alcohol and drugs. Between forty and eighty million Americans su er from compulsive overeating. About one in twenty college-age women struggle with anorexia and/or bulimia. More than ve million are compulsive or pathological gamblers. About one in thirteen of the population has a problem with pornography or sexual addiction.4 e Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders identi es the di erence between abuse and dependency. Dependency may or may not lead to addiction, which includes impairment of normal functions in the home and at work, tolerance, withdrawal symptoms, and increased use in spite of overwhelming evidence the use or behavior is destructive.

Abuse

e tragedy of abuse knows no boundaries of age, sex, nationality, class, or economic status. Children and the elderly, wives and husbands, employees and strangers can become victims of another person’s senseless assault. Emotional abuse is perhaps the most common. e perpetrator may use intimidation, demands, or isolation to control the victim. Other, o en related, forms are verbal abuse, sexual abuse (including rape of adults and sexual exploitation of children), and spiritual abuse. Recent reports show that one in four women in America will be victims of violence by an intimate partner in their lifetimes, and one in seven men su er the same fate. In 2011, more than 1500 women were murdered by their partners, and almost ve million su er domestic violence each year.5 Each year, more than three million incidents of child abuse are reported in the United States, a gure experts assume is vastly below the actual number. Of these incidents, 28 percent are physical abuse, 21 percent are sexual abuse, 10 percent are emotional abuse, and 25 percent are physical and emotional neglect.6

Even if the abuse happened only once and long ago, the e ects o en persist until the victim seeks help and experiences safety, healing, and hope. Survivors don’t heal by denying the pain, but facing it requires more courage than they ever dreamed possible.

Depression

Major depression is a complex disorder, including symptoms related to biomedical, psychosocial, and spiritual elements of a person’s life. Depression is accompanied by anxiety in about half of the people who su er from it. Major depression is characterized by a low mood, hopelessness, low self-esteem, and the lack of pleasure in activities the person previously enjoyed. Major depression is more severe and longer lasting than dysthymia, a milder form of depression. Bipolar depression consists of periods of “highs” in which the person is unusually optimistic and energetic, o en going for days without sleep, then followed by “lows” of depression.7 In many cases, depression is compounded by other serious di culties, including alcohol and drug addictions, compulsive gambling, eating disorders, sexual addictions, and other compulsive and addictive behaviors. Also, people who have experienced emotional, physical, or sexual abuse repress their hurt and anger to try to cope with the pain, but sooner or later the crushing weight of shame, pain, and hopelessness can drive them into depression. Of course, not every depressed person is an addict or a victim of abuse, but conversely, many addicts (and their family members) and abuse victims become depressed at some time in their lives. In the United States, between three and four percent of those who su er from major depression commit suicide, and up to sixty percent of the people who commit suicide su er from mood disorders, including depression.8 Depression is very common, but many people aren’t aware of its approach. e stresses of life increase anxiety, erode our con dence, and chip away at our physical health, leaving us vulnerable to depression. Stress management, then, is as important as grieving the pain from the loss in dealing with depression. Medications can play a very useful role in clearing thinking processes so people can make progress in dealing with the issues that caused their depression, but medications are just one part of the treatment plan. Counselors and doctors work together to bring the right solutions for each person su ering from depression.

Debt

More than ever before, consumer debt hangs like a dark cloud over the lives of millions of people, including Christians. e insatiable thirst for a higher standard of living

INTRODUCTION

overwhelms common sense, so people spend beyond their means. e pressure to have more stu is compounded by the strain of guring out how to pay the bills—or which bills to pay—each month. Juggling credit card balances isn’t a sport for many people; it’s a way of life. e strain of debt causes people to be preoccupied with money instead of relaxing, enjoying relationships, and being thankful for all God has given them. A recent report shows the average credit card debt in America is $15,863, the average mortgage debt is $156,584, and the average student loan debt is $33,090.9 Many people live under a dark and foreboding cloud, wondering how they can pay their bills each month. is strain is one of the leading contributors in divorce.

Vocational problems

Some of us enjoy our work, but many people dread the o ce and endure each day, at best. e lack of ful llment can result from a number of causes: a poor job t, con ict with the employer or fellow employees, the prospect of layo s, unrealistic expectations, travel schedules, etc. Stress is also created by the good news of promotions and raises because the company’s expectations go up with the salary level.

Death

All of us encounter situations when someone has lost a family member or close friend and needs some care. Sometimes death comes to those who have lived long, rich, and full lives, but it also can smash into our lives in unexpected tragedies. In our culture, most people remain as detached as possible from death, so death seems odd, out of place, and unexpected. When pain, su ering, and death are unwelcome intruders on a neat, clean, well-ordered life, most of those who are le behind don’t know how to grieve. It is our privilege and task to assist them.

Mental illness

For thousands of years, people have identi ed unusual behavior as mental illness. Today, physicians have categorized these disorders and describe them in great detail, and revolutionary technology of brain scans has shed new light on how these disorders disrupt normal brain functioning. Diagnosing mental illness requires years of training in psychiatry or psychology. e National Institute for Mental Health estimates that 18.6 percent of adults in the United States, 43.7 million of us, su ered from mental illness in the past year.10 Don’t jump to conclusions when you suspect someone may have a mental illness, and avoid labeling anyone with your own diagnosis. Instead of saying, “Wow! It sounds like your husband has a personality disorder, and he’ll never change,” it would be wise to

say something like, “I’m certainly not an expert, but it sounds like your husband needs some help. Let me recommend a counselor (or psychiatrist) for you to see—even if your husband won’t see him—so you can get professional input and advice.” A person’s mental illness can confuse and devastate every member of the family. e family members of those who are mentally ill need plenty of help to cope with the confusion and heartache. Even if the person with the mental illness refuses to go to a counselor or psychiatrist, family members can bene t greatly from the insights and support provided by a professional.

Physical illness

Many individuals and families have to cope with sicknesses: chronic, acute, and terminal. Every person in the family is a ected when someone is seriously ill, and they can become so preoccupied with caring for the sick person that they don’t think of asking for help. In many cases, care is provided for a couple of weeks by a class or small group, but soon the casseroles and visits cease, and people are le to cope by themselves. In our general population, medicine has made remarkable advances so that people are living longer. Care for the aging is a genuine need in our communities and our churches. On the other end of the spectrum, advances in reproductive therapies have given hope to tens of thousands of couples that want to have a child. Still, infertility and miscarriages cause intense—but o en silent—su ering.

Who are the people who experience these di cult and tragic conditions, whether self-in icted or perpetrated by others? ese people and their family members sit next to you at church, work next to you each day, live next door, and perhaps reside under your roof. e vast majority of people try to hide their struggles as long as possible. ey only tell someone when they’ve given up hope in solving the problem themselves. Finally, when they become u erly desperate, they reach out for help. Will you be there for them?

MAYBE YOU

is training is designed for several groups of people. We recommend it for:

Support group sponsors

One of the most e ective roles in caregiving is to sponsor someone who is actively seeking help for an addiction, codependency, divorce, or grief. A ending a group is

INTRODUCTION

a powerful stimulus for growth and healing, but virtually every person who makes real progress also has a mature, wise, loving friend who shepherds them in their progress. In support group language, these special friends are called sponsors. We recommend that support group facilitators and leaders (whether they are professional counselors or lay people) carefully select sponsors and train them using this material.

Lay counselors

e number of people who go to pastors for emotional, relational, and spiritual counseling can consume their time and steal their energy. Pastors can lighten their load and give quality care to more people by enlisting a professional counselor to select, train, and supervise a small group of men and women in a formal lay counseling ministry. e counselor (or the pastor, if he prefers to lead this ministry) can have an administrator eld requests from people in the church and the community, and then the counselor can make referrals to the lay counselor who best ts the need of the person. e model of this ministry would be the three-step process explained in this workbook. We don’t expect lay counselors to play the role of a licensed professional. A er providing initial support and making an assessment, the lay caregiver will refer the person to a support group, a physician, a counselor, an a orney, or a nancial planner. is training is a good lter for the counselor to assess the maturity and quali cations of each person interested in being part of this ministry. And of course, a signi cant number of the people who are initially referred to the lay counselors soon will be referred back to the counselor for professional care. ( e leader’s guide in the back of this workbook contains instructions and suggestions about how to establish and lead this ministry.)

Equipping the saints

Some churches o er this training to anyone who wants to be more e ective in caring for hurting people. is raises the level of awareness of the kinds of problems in the church and the community, and it provides helpful tools for caring people to help others. e pastor may conduct this training, or a professional counselor may be enlisted. Of course, this approach carries the risk that at least some of the people who complete the training will assume they are now fully capable of providing professional care to anyone and everyone. If you follow this method of training, be sure to emphasize the brief three-meeting model, and provide a list of competent referral sources in the last training session.

Equipping leaders

Some churches narrow the range of people who are invited to the training. ey don’t make it open to everyone. Instead, they personally invite their sta members, teachers, and key volunteers in the ministries of the church. ese people usually have their ngers on the pulse of people who come to the church, so they can e ectively use the skills imparted in the training.

EXPECTATIONS FOR THE NEXT SIX WEEKS

You are about to begin a six-week journey that will intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually prepare you to care for people more e ectively. e topics in our study will help you identify needs by listening carefully to people, encouraging them with your compassion, and directing them to competent professional resources. Don’t expect to be perfect at these tasks . . . ever. And don’t expect to be able to help everyone in every situation. ough he was certainly able, not even Christ helped everyone who crossed his path in Palestine. e very best model of helping is Jesus himself—he is the ultimate wise friend who combined compassion, knowledge, skill, the Spirit’s power, integrity, and strong relationships. He was compassionate with others by reaching out and touching outcasts, lepers, and other “untouchables” in that society. He challenged false beliefs and dark thoughts with his knowledge of the truth about the character and purposes of God. He skillfully gave people life-changing hope in even the darkest moments of their lives. He promised rest and peace through the Holy Spirit. He was the model of ethical integrity. And he got others involved in the process of helping as they formed strong, loving communities of care. Christian caregiving is wonderful, maddening, joyous work. As we walk with hurting people, we are sometimes overwhelmed, o en confused, and always in awe that God would use us to touch others’ lives at their points of desperation. We are, a er all, well aware of our own need for God’s grace, mercy, and strength. e wonder of it all is that Jesus sends his Spirit—all the time and in every way—to comfort us, ll us with his grace, and enable his love to over ow from us into the lives of those around us. Finding him in the middle of every situation—and meeting him in the midst of every desperate circumstance—is the source of our strength as we serve our friends in need.

INTRODUCTION

We call the people we train “co ee cup counselors” because we want to convey an important concept: Lay counselors serve as trustworthy men and women who step into people’s lives at a crucial moment, but they are friends, not professionals. e counsel is given in the spirit of friends who are having co ee together. is care, this friendship, this understanding, and this love are what this training is all about.

A COMPANION RESOURCE

Since the American Association of Christian Counselors began, people have asked us to produce a book full of information about a full range of topics, and they want to be able to access that information at a moment’s notice. at’s why we created the Biblical Counseling Quick Reference Guide. is volume on “Personal and Emotional Issues” addresses 40 topics, and for each one it identi es:

➤ typical symptoms and pa erns ➤ de nitions and key thoughts ➤ questions to ask ➤ directions for the conversation

➤ action steps ➤ biblical insights ➤ prayer ➤ recommended resources

We strongly recommend you obtain a copy of this book as a companion resource for your training and care for others. It will prove to be a valuable reference to you as you meet with people to uncover their hurts and provide hope for their future. Find out more about the Biblical Counseling Quick Reference Guide in the appendix of this workbook.