Week 5 • Resources and Referrals

WEEK 5

Resources and Ref rals

“Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be . . . not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock” (1 Peter 5:2-3).

A er listening carefully to help the person feel understood and to discern the heart of the problem, our role is then to refer the person to the counselor, group, or agency that can provide speci c, professional care for as long as it’s needed. In this chapter we’ll examine the most common problems we encounter, how to nd good resources, and how to make the referral. In addition, we’ll look at the importance of se ing and maintaining good boundaries.

WHEN AND HOW TO REFER

e short-term model encourages referral to a professional counselor, agency, or another resource as soon as you have listened, provided emotional support, and discerned the actual nature of the need. A referral can be made a er the rst meeting if you have enough information and the person needs immediate help, a er the second if you clearly discern the problem by then, and in the third meeting as a general rule. If you meet with someone, who, a er a meeting or two, wants to bring a spouse or child to the next

meeting, you might extend the model to include a fourth time together, but this should be an exception to the rule. If a person is violent or, in your estimation, potentially violent, call 911 for immediate help. Also call your pastor to relate the details of the situation and ask for assistance. When you refer someone:

➤ Find the best options available. Sometimes a gi ed counselor doesn’t have openings, so in consultation with the person in need, determine if the wait is worth it or if a di erent counselor is a be er choice. Look for a counselor, treatment program, a orney, or agency that specializes in the type of care that’s needed. For instance, some counselors are licensed in marriage and family counseling, and some in addiction counseling. Some specialize in care for adolescents, and others in family systems or another specialty. If the person is depressed or showing other signs of stress, recommend a checkup with a physician. ➤ Describe the bene ts of the resource. If possible, describe how that person has helped others (without giving names and details, of course) to paint a picture of hope and health for the person you are referring. Explain what you hope

God will do in that person’s life as a result of going to that resource. ➤ Give the person the resource’s contact information in writing, with any additional information that might be needed, such as o ce hours, the name of the receptionist, directions, and the particular person in the practice you recommend.

➤ Assure the person that you will remain a friend, but your role will be secondary in the future. e specialist will provide the primary care. ➤ Answer any questions the person may have—and there may be quite a few!

What mistakes and assumptions might cause a person to “fall through the cracks” when we try to make a referral?

What are some practical steps we can take so that people actually make contact and get the help they need?

ESTABLISHING A RESOURCE NETWORK

One of our most important tasks is to do the research of screening possible resources to see which ones are reliable, Christ-centered (or at least those that value Christian beliefs even if they don’t share them), available, and targeted to speci c needs. Ask your pastor, church sta , friends, counselors, a orneys, and agencies for recommendations. Before long, you’ll have a working list that you can use with those who need help. You can regularly add more who meet your criteria for excellence and delete those who don’t measure up (or recommend them with appropriate cautions).

Write the names of resources you know in each area of need, and then write down the contact information of others who can provide recommendations:

➤ General Christian counseling

➤ Marriage and family counseling

➤ Addiction counseling (possibly by specialty: drugs and

alcohol, eating disorders, compulsive gambling, sexual addiction)

➤ A psychiatrist

➤ A drug and alcohol treatment facility

➤ A family practice or internal medicine physician who has

spiritual values

➤ An attorney who practices family law

➤ A reputable funeral home

➤ Debt counseling resources

➤ A nursing home

➤ Meals on Wheels

➤ Helping Hands

➤ Pregnancy centers

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RESOURCES AND REFERRALS

➤ Support groups for alcohol and drug dependency, food

disorders, codependence, gambling, and sexual addictions

➤ Police and fire department

➤ Others who can provide input on these resources, and rec-

ommendations of others

USING THE NETWORK EFFECTIVELY

e e ectiveness of your role as a wise friend depends, in large measure, on the quality of the resources to which you refer people. For that reason, you need to become an expert in identifying, screening, and selecting the very best resources available in your area. Look for those who give outstanding care from a Christian perspective. Smaller communities won’t have as many resources, and some don’t have many that value Christ and his word. In those cases, you’ll have to select the counselor, physician, a orney, or agency that can help most e ectively, but prepare people by explaining that they will need to nd Christ-centered support from the church instead of from the professional resource. You may want to develop a questionnaire to use with counselors to determine their eld of expertise and their compatibility with your biblical values. Some questions you can ask include: ➤ What type of state license have you earned? ➤ What is the history of your counseling career? ➤ What are your areas of expertise? ➤ What age levels do you work with most o en? ➤ Who are three references?

➤ Do you value spiritual life as you counsel people? If so, how do you show that you value their relationship with God? ➤ Are you a Christian? If so, what role does your faith play in your counseling with clients?

➤ In what ways do you use the Scriptures, if at all, with those you counsel? ➤ In what ways do you use prayer, if at all, with those you counsel? ➤ Do you encourage people to join support groups? If so, which ones? Where are they located? What feedback do you get from those you’ve sent there?

➤ Who are the professional counselors you refer people to for particular diagnoses? ➤ Who are the physicians and psychiatrists you refer people to if they need medical or mental health care?

THE PATTERN OF MATTHEW 18

For a long time, Jackie suspected her husband was involved in pornography. He spent hours late at night at the computer a er she and the children had gone to bed, and he kept his briefcase locked. Occasionally she mustered up the courage to ask him about his behavior, but he always just laughed and said he was killing time because he couldn’t sleep or he was working on a project for work. But sometimes he exploded in rage when she asked too many questions, so most of the time she kept quiet. A er two years of suspicion and emotional agony, she asked a close friend at church for help, and together they began to unravel the problem. Soon Jackie found some hard evidence of her husband’s use of pornography, and then, to her complete shock, she got a call one night from a woman who was looking for her husband. e caller was angry, she felt betrayed, and she told Jackie the whole, awful truth of their a air. Jackie confronted her husband, and he stormed out of the house. In a few days he came back, but he was unrepentant. In fact, he tried to tell Jackie that the call was a prank. She might have bought that line in the past, but not now. Her friend had helped her see that change wouldn’t happen unless her husband became accountable for his behavior. Jackie o ered to go to a counselor with her husband, and to her surprise, he agreed. A er two stony sessions, however, he announced that seeing the therapist was a waste of time. Now Jackie had nowhere to turn. She felt completely helpless. Today, few churches practice church discipline. Some have policies in place, but church leaders seldom if ever even consider the possibility of following the process Jesus outlined in Ma hew 18:15-17:

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every ma er may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

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RESOURCES AND REFERRALS

is process is established by God to correct wayward people and to protect those who have been hurt and those who might be hurt by another’s sins. It includes four distinct steps:

1. Ma hew 18:15: e o ended person initiates a face-to-face conversation with the o ender. e problem can be resolved at this early stage if the o ender admits his sin, asks for forgiveness, and o ers any needed restitution, or if both people admit errors and ask for forgiveness, or if both realize the problem stems from a misunderstanding, not a sin.

2. Ma hew 18:16: If the o ender doesn’t respond to the rst encounter with contrition and repentance, the o ended person is instructed to ask two or three witnesses to join in confronting the o ender. ese witnesses shouldn’t simply be supportive friends of the o ended person. ey need to be actual witnesses of the sin. If the person responds with genuine repentance, the witnesses can help facilitate a reconciliation of the parties.

3. Ma hew 18:17a: If the o ender doesn’t respond positively to the witnesses and the o ended person, they should contact the leaders of the church. Now the ma er becomes more public as the leaders conduct a hearing to listen to both sides, deliberate, and rule on the issue. ( e church leaders should clearly understand the spiritual and legal procedures to minimize liability to the church. At some point in the membership process, new members should be informed of the policies and procedures of church discipline. is minimizes risk to the church.)

4. Ma hew 18:b: If the o ending person is unrepentant during or a er the meeting with the church leaders, he is to be treated as an unbeliever. e person is noti ed in writing by one of the leaders that his behavior is unacceptable to God and to the church, so they are taking the painful but necessary step of removing the person from membership. is action, it is hoped, will result in the person’s repentance and restoration. en, in a meeting of church members, the church family can be informed of the action regarding that person, without sharing the details of the offense. People need instruction and encouragement to pray for the person and love him into repentance if possible. ey should not, however, excuse the person’s behavior or undermine the process the leaders have taken. e goal of this process isn’t revenge; it’s restoration. e leaders need to be prepared for many questions, potential misunderstanding, and a process of grieving by the church family.

Church discipline begins with a person-to-person exchange, and it only escalates if repentance isn’t demonstrated. e behavior that can prompt disciplinary action includes private and public o enses, divisiveness, slander, moral and ethical lapses, and false teaching. Not many cases go beyond the second stage of witnesses, yet few churches teach their people even this simple procedure. Talk to your pastor about this issue to learn about policies and procedures in your church. Express your con dence in God and the church leaders to work with you when and if church discipline is necessary, and trust God to lead you when you talk to people who have been deeply hurt by a family member, friend, or church member. e process of church discipline may be one of the most important and powerful tools of being a good friend to hurting people.

What are your church’s polices and procedures regarding church discipline? Does the church follow them? Why or why not?

What are some situations you’ve encountered in which church discipline would have been appropriate?

How might this process assist you in helping restore relationships torn apart by deception, abuse, moral lapses, abandonment, or false teaching?

BOUNDARIES

You want to be a lay counselor because you genuinely care about people, but compassionate people o en have di culty recognizing the limitations of their responsibilities in relationships. Needy people want—and o en demand—all of you, all the time. Dependence, however, is not healthy for them or for you. In his le er to the Galatians, Paul gives both sides of compassion and healthy boundaries. He wrote, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will ful ll the law

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of Christ.” But only a couple of sentences later, he added, “for each one should carry their own load” (Galatians 6:2, 5). e “burden” Paul describes is a crushing, heavy weight that no one can carry alone, but the “load” is like a backpack. Paul is telling us that we all need to shoulder the normal responsibilities of life (our “loads”), but there are times when the “burdens” of life are so heavy that people need help. One of our tasks is to make sure we carry our own loads and take care of ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We simply can’t be and do everything everyone wants from us. As Dirty Harry said, “A man’s got to know his limitations.” Approximately eighty percent of people in helping professions have a compulsion to rescue people and x their problems. You may ask: Isn’t helping people a good thing? Yes, but compulsions aren’t. When we get our identity from people who appreciate our help, we run the risk of blurring the lines of responsibility and doing too much for them so they’ll think well of us. ose of us with a wounded sense of identity have di culty taking responsibility for our own needs, but we are overly responsible to x the needs of others. We o en serve tirelessly—to the point of exhaustion. We feel that we have to x people’s problems, so we play the role of a savior. When we succeed and they’re thankful, we feel fantastic! But when we fail (or they think we’ve failed), we feel as depressed as Judas a er he betrayed Jesus. Some of us vacillate between the two extremes, savior and Judas, living for smiles but dreading a frown. e compulsion to x others’ problems is driven by fear of not being accepted, and it isn’t limited to our role as trustworthy friends. If we struggle with these issues of identity and over-responsibility, we struggle with it in every aspect of our lives. Each of us can learn to take responsibility to communicate clearly and appropriately with others. We can set boundaries that protect us and still allow us to have good, healthy relationships—a blend of independence and intimacy. A living cell demonstrates healthy boundaries. In our bodies, the cell walls are semi-permeable membranes that serve to keep poisons out, let nutrients in, excrete waste, and de ne the existence of the cell as separate and distinct from others. Relational boundaries do the same things. ey enable us to stop others from poisoning our lives with their abuse and criticism, and they encourage us to develop a rming relationships. By staying away from poisonous people, we are then able to grieve the losses we have experienced so we can experience healing, and we develop the wonderful ability to be the people God wants us to be—independent, but intimate with him and with trustworthy people.

Some of the statements that characterize good boundaries are:

➤ “ is is what I will do. at is what I won’t do.”

➤ “I will not allow this kind of behavior any more.” ➤ “I’m not responsible for his/her happiness or success.” ➤ “I refuse to be manipulated.” ➤ “I’m sorry. I wish I could help you, but I can’t.” ➤ “Here’s how I feel when you do/say that.” ➤ “I don’t want to talk about this right now.” ➤ “I want to talk about this right now.”

Another tool in se ing good boundaries is a simple set of statements: “I feel . . . , I want . . . , I will . . . .” In a di cult situation, you can say, “I feel hurt when you treat me like this. I want to have a loving, respectful relationship. I will treat you with respect, and that means calling a ention to your cursing and your anger when you are out of control.” Of course, if the person becomes belligerent when you use those statements, skip over the “I feel” part and go to the other two. Don’t give him any ammunition, like your own feelings, to use against you! ose of us who tend to compulsively rescue others from their problems can learn to listen patiently and then, like Jesus with the crippled man at the pool, we can ask, “What can I do to help you?” Instead of jumping in and doing too much for people, we can be more objective and help them take their own steps of progress. If we have been rescuing them, it is best to back away and let that person learn to take responsibility. When we stop xing others’ problems (at home, at the o ce, in the neighborhood, and at church), we might hear the accusation, “You’re being so sel sh!” at’s the worst thing a compulsive xer can hear! But stay strong, and don’t give in. Changing the pa erns of our lives and relationships requires courage and tenacity, but it also requires that we be consistent to convince others that we won’t give in if they whine enough. We have to train ourselves to act di erently, and we need to train others, too. If we are consistent, sooner or later they will realize that no amount of whining, complaining, or accusing will make us go back to our old compulsive ways. We have changed! We need to realize that a lack of boundaries is harmful not only for us, but for others in our lives, too. It has kept them from being responsible, from facing the truth about themselves, and from taking necessary action. e best thing we can do for them, then,

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is to set good boundaries and stick to them. ey may not like it at rst, but a er some adjustments, everyone will be much be er o for it. When we begin to set boundaries with people—either those who have hurt us or those we try to help—we o en feel tremendous guilt and confusion. When others condemn us for being “sel sh” or they don’t understand why we want them to make their own decisions, we are tempted to cave in and go back to the old ways. Se ing boundaries— and sticking with them—is being obedient to God to live according to our strong, new identity in Christ, and it sustains and nurtures that new identity. In addition, our honesty and strength is the best role model for others. Our willingness to speak the truth and set boundaries creates an environment of integrity, and it gives others an opportunity to be responsible. at’s our role.

How would you describe a good balance between compassion and healthy boundaries?

What are some signs that a person struggles with being a savior or a Judas?

What would it look like for you to have a strong sense of identity, the ability to think clearly, genuine compassion for hurting people, and the capacity to set strong, healthy boundaries?

CARING FOR GOD’S FLOCK

e memory verse at the beginning of week 5 identi es the role of shepherds in caring for hurting people. roughout history, shepherds have led their ocks to pasture and water, and they protected them from wolves. When any of the sheep wandered o , shepherds searched for them until they found them and brought them back safe and

sound. Christ is the ultimate shepherd, and he has given us the privilege of working with him to care for others. In today’s Christian environment, people can wander into and out of church life with few people noticing. ose who are missing are especially vulnerable if they haven’t connected with people in a Sunday school class, a Bible study or small group, or a service group. Pastors can’t care for all the sheep by themselves. ey need caring people who connect with newcomers, build strong relationships with members and regular a enders, and communicate with them when they are in need. For a variety of reasons, hurting people o en don’t connect with anyone at the church, so they “fall through the cracks.” One of our responsibilities and privileges is to be the eyes and ears of the church family to notice people who may need help but who quickly fall away if nobody reaches out to them. Be a good shepherd to these sheep. Start a conversation, make a connection, lend a listening ear, and point people in a direction that meets their needs. But even a er you refer them to a class or group in the church or to an agency in the community, stay in touch. In this way, your church will be known by your love (John 17:23, 26).

Read John 10:14-16. Thank God for being such a good shepherd to you, and ask him to help you be a wise, e ective shepherd for the people who need your help.

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RESOURCES AND REFERRALS