life& times
film • arts • food • music • leisure • nightlife
JUSTIN TEMPLET
PAGE 6
THE
MAROON
FRIDAY, JANUARY 12, 2007
RUNNING WILD AND LOOKING PRETTY
Smoking in the boys’ room When the ball dropped in Times Square, everyone raised champagne glasses to toast the prosperous new year. While they celebrated and caroused, I wandered around Bourbon Street cursing both the changes of the new year and the ridiculously inflated cover charges at the bars. Because of state legislation, my New Year’s Eve was less about running wild and looking pretty and more about running out of breath and looking like a disoriented freebaser. I had lost my best friend — cigarettes. As the clock struck 12, a new law sponsored by Sen. Rob Whoever came into effect prohibiting smoking in restaurants, public places, public buildings and basically anywhere where air is present. I realized the severity of the situation when I headed into the lobby of a popular downtown hotel to use the restroom and was curtly informed by the doorman that my lit cigarette was not permitted to come with me. So I sat on the concrete with my true love pressed to my lips, cast aside with the other untouchables. Not even getting checked out on the way to the bathroom could raise my spirits, and as I stood over the urinal, my mind teamed with apocalyptic premonitions of our dying breed’s fate. It began innocently enough. Smokers were first segregated from non-smokers to the “smoking sections” where even there we were asked by the non-smoking patron to extinguish our cigarettes for the well being of his adorable children at the table adjacent to the smoking section. Now we cannot smoke at all in restaurants and are forced to retreat to the dark and dangerous streets to have a harmless dinner cigarette or seven, where while our meal is unattended, someone can drop a Commit smoking lozenge in our shrimp creole. Soon we will receive notices saying that we have to vacate the cities and walk to live in central Kansas for what will become known as the “trail of smoke.” Not long following the relocation, the American government will drop a nuclear bomb on the smoking colony, instigating a world war between smokers and non-smokers, ending with extinction of all life on earth. But the prophets of the Louisiana Smoke-Free Air Act insist that there are many places where one can still light up, including horse tracks, bingo halls and tobacco stores. Yippee! Just where we smokers belong, with horse poo and 80-year-old women who can’t control their bowel movements. “This is great, son,” my father exclaimed. “What a perfect resolution.” No Daddy Dearest, the perfect New Year’s resolution would be drinking more water or something. Why do we have to assume there is something wrong with us to change? I can’t mentally compute sums over 20, I like disco and smoke more than a chimney, yet I embrace myself and wouldn’t change a thing. At least I have the “Flavor of Love” spin-off, “I Love New York” and Miss America Tara Conner getting out of rehab to look forward to in 2007. Happy New Year — I love you.
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY MICHAEL NISSMAN AND STEVE KASHISHIAN / THE MAROON
Losing all that extra belly weight around the midsection is a common New Year’s resolution most people make but often break within the first week. This year, Loyola students can take a different approach to resolution making and keeping.
Join the Resolution After the same resolutions every year, it’s time to step it up By ALEX WOODWARD SENIOR STAFF WRITER
W
ith the new year comes resolutions of all shapes and sizes, and most are broken before the year is over. According to statistics from Dr. Stephen Kraus of RealScienceofSuccess.com, more than 15 percent of you will break those tender, goodat-heart promises within the first week. If you can’t pull it together for 2007, here is a fail-proof back-up plan for the struggling, resolution-less Loyola student. 1. QUIT The most obvious, top five, desert island resolution is to “quit.” A good place to start might be giving up on smoking. But be realistic about your habit. You probably won’t last an hour if you’ve decided that this is the year to quit smoking if you’re the five-packs-a-day type. School is starting again, so you’re guaranteed to give in to stress and light up at some point, but it may be a good time to stop now before the government bans it all together. Non-locals (and the uninformed) might want to know that 2007 kicked off the Louisiana Smoke-Free Air Act, which prohibits smoking in most public spaces. In the near future you may be detained by “Big Brother’s Smoke Patrol” (or you could just give up now and save yourself the $25 to $100 fine and possible lawsuit). For the non-smokers, you may want to consider stepping away from the Guitar Hero. Apply that trained hand-eye coordination to something productive, or you know, actual guitar. If these require too much commitment, start with something smaller and easier to control. For example, your obsessive stalking and browsing habits on social-networking Web sites like Facebook or MySpace have probably grown out-of-control without school interrupting your
online time, and you are going to be easily distracted once your professor informs you that Blackboard is his teaching medium of choice. If you can’t quit cold turkey, keep track of how much time you spend online and decrease that time each day. If you can get through the withdrawal, the depression and the paranoia, you’ll be a healthy member of the Internet within just a few months. At least it’s a starting point. 2. LOSE WEIGHT The Center for Disease Control finds that about 66 percent of Americans are overweight. That covers pretty much everybody you know: your friends, parents, most of your classmates, professors — everybody. The only people left are the really loud girls in your philosophy class who constantly complain about how much their spine sticks out. You know what? Forget this one for once. You’re probably fine, and totally normal, but maybe try some fruits and vegetables a few times a day. You’ll be surprised with how much better you’ll feel. Contrary to popular opinion, eating healthy does not require a lack of personal hygiene, a change in sexual preference, or a membership to the Animal Liberation Front. At least you will never have to deal with another McDonald’sinduced bathroom trip. Stay away from the spine girl and hang out with some determined, open-minded, borderline husky people like you — you’ll be in shape in no time. Or be on a meat and chocolate diet and swear that it works. Either way, you’re trying, and that’s what counts. 3. MAKE A TO-DO LIST Remember that road trip you have been talking about? Or the organizing you’ve been meaning to do? There is a laundry list of things you have been putting off, and once you start
writing them down, the more eager you will be to get them done. Give yourself something to look forward to — a reward for your hard work during the semester. That stack of books you’ve been meaning to read is only getting bigger, so read a few pages every night before you fall asleep. You may not remember what you were reading, but a wellworn book looks impressive on your bookshelf. The drool stains and slept-on creases on the pages give it the coveted “well-read” look. 4. GET A JOB The Department of Labor indicates more than 400,000 Americans are not actively seeking employment. Though you may be a hard-working bookworm with little time for extracurriculars, New Orleans is the ideal city for students seeking available, flexible part-time jobs. Even fast food restaurants are advertising $10 an hour with a signage bonus and benefits. Not only will you be able to eat all the fried chicken you want, you can afford to treat your significant other to a nice dinner and provide decent gratuity for your fellow service industry men and women (seriously, another resolution: learn to tip at least 18 percent, it’s common courtesy, and your food will be spit-free). Keep your eye open at your favorite coffee shops and restaurants now that schools are back in session and working students have to free up some extra shifts. If the service industry isn’t your bag, you’ll be happy to know that volunteer programs are always willing to have someone on board. 5. TRY SOMETHING NEW Guitar, piano, painting, foreign language, even Guitar Hero — just give something else a shot
see NEW YEARS, page 7