Contents Acknowledgments Introduction
xi xiii
Shock Me? Facing Temptation Help Me Understand God, Where Are You? Good Intentions Listening with a Loving Heart Hollow Words
3 7 11 15 19 23 27
Glimpses of Grace Faithful Friends The Ugly Truth Meeting Mortality Finding Patience Unanswered Prayers Stifled by Attitude Easing the Burdens of Others God Listens The Loving Support of Family When Hope Is Tried The Mystery of Eternity
33 37 41 45 49 53 57 61 65 69 73
A Time to Laugh Points of Terror
75 77
Trust A Whole and Lasting Life Angel Duties Walking with God Tests of Faith Close to God’s Heart Accepting God’s Will Living with Illness Everything Bright and Beautiful Focusing on God Clay Jars A Well-Watered Place
Resources
85 89 93 97 101 105 109 113 117 121 123 127
Shock
Me?
That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:28*
T
his used to be my least favorite verse in the Bible. Somebody always seemed to be cramming it down my throat not only when I was younger but also when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. We call such statements platitudes, and while I know that they stem from truths—ones so overused, in fact, that they have become commonplace—hearing them doesn’t help. They are most annoying when they come from people whose worst trials are a husband ruining dinner by coming home late from work, or a child biting the birthday boy at his own party, or a Bible-school worker deciding to back out at the last minute. All of these things have happened * The Bible version used in this book, Eugene H. Peterson’s The Message, does not use verse numbers, so we have added the corresponding verse numbers from traditional Scripture.
Carol Winters
to me, and frankly, I don’t remember quoting Romans 8:28 to myself then either. When someone untouched by illness dared to quote that verse at me, it was all I could do to keep from shouting, “What do you know about anything? Wait until the doctors sit you down for ‘a little talk.’ ” But my mother would have been proud—I managed to restrain myself. Mostly I ignored the verse and just smiled wanly at the speaker. I didn’t say, “Oh, I know, good comes in many forms” or “I don’t know what the Lord’s up to, but I’ll trust him.” I grimly clenched my teeth and said nothing as I took the cure the doctors had planned. I think I was numb after the first cancer surgery and treatment because people often quoted that verse to me. I led a full life before I was diagnosed with stage-three breast cancer. In one week’s time, I went from being a university professor who loved doling out advice to my pre-service English teachers to a patient in line for tram-flap surgery. Before I was diagnosed, I believed that illness was just a random happening, much like being on the wrong side of town and missing that desperately needed train. I took comfort in the fact that God hadn’t planned cancer for me, that he loved me too much to cause such a thing to happen. Of course, once I learned of my illness, my theory didn’t seem to hold. I was left with questions of where illness came from, but I wasn’t ready to deal with them yet. When the cancer reasserted itself, I had to resign myself to seemingly never-end
When Hope Is Tried
ing cycles of radiation and chemo. If I thought about that verse at all, I stood befuddled at God’s definition of good. Mainly, I refused to think about it at all. If I did, I would be forced to admit that I was angry with God. Why did this have to happen to me? I tithed, worked in the nursery, taught Sunday school, ran daily vacation Bible schools, and took notes during my pastor’s sermons. Weren’t there other, less religious people who needed the lessons of illness? Lord, what’s going on? How am I supposed to believe this will work out for the good? Why me? Doesn’t all my work for you earn me some sort of preferential treatment? For personal study: Genesis 37:2–10, 16–28; 45:4–5 Joseph discovers the wisdom of God’s plan.
Facing Temptation
Oh, that my steps might be steady, keeping to the course you set; Then I’d never have any regrets in comparing my life with your counsel. I thank you for speaking straight from your heart; I learn the pattern of your righteous ways. I’m going to do what you tell me to do; don’t ever walk off and leave me. Psalm 119:5–8
C
hemo was worse than I could have imagined, although I had certainly heard enough about it from my predecessors. The first time I entered the falsely cheerful room where the treatment was administered and sat in one of its baby-blue Barcoloungers, I balked. Like deployed oxygen masks in an airplane cabin, IV bags filled the room, hooked up to people in various stages and kinds of treatment. Some people slept covered with white flannel sheets so that only their bald heads
$11.95 U.S.
A journey of grace for those who are ill . . .
“When Hope Is Tried is not for those seeking sentimental and easy answers. Winters dares to express anger, doubt, hesitation, pain, and confusion—in other words, she stands before God as a witness that we are in a broken world and declares that sometimes God’s plan seems mightily confusing. But as a witness, Winters points out in ringing and impassioned tones that even with pain and doubt, God is there; and even with confusion, God is there; and even with anger, God is there. And because God is always there, we can dare to live, and to live well.” —Dr. Gary Schmidt, author, Anson’s Way A literature professor at Grand Valley State University, Carol Winters has taught English for fifteen years and is active in the church. She lives in Grand Rapids, Michigan, with her husband.
When Hope Is Tried M editations for Those Who Are Ill
and the People Who Love Them
Meditations for Those Who Are Ill and the People Who Love Them
Carol Winters has lived with cancer for six years. In this frank and personal memoir, she provides insight and comfort to the seriously ill and their loved ones.
When Hope Is Tried
I
spend my nights asking hundreds of questions: What will my husband do when I’m dead? How many people will show up for my funeral? What if I can’t get out of bed, shower, and get myself dressed tomorrow? And who’ll then shop for groceries, do the laundry, and put the garden to sleep for the winter? God, you promised you’d be with me. Where are you?
Winters
Meditations/Inspiration
ISBN 0-8294-1686-2
Carol W inters