What is Your Love Language?

What is your love language? We often think of love and relationships in February because there is that all important holiday, Valentine’s Day. But as many of you know, and I’m sure understand, love is important all year when it comes to relationships. However, how you show your love to your partner can be different from what they want or what you prefer to give.

In 1992, Gary Chapman wrote his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chapman explained that there are five love languages that partners will use to show their love to each other. These five love languages are physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and giving/receiving gifts. Each language is different in how you show it and how you receive it, and everyone has their own comfort level with each.

Chapman emphasizes that it is not simply enough to know the love languages. Partners need to understand which love language fits their significant other best. We often show love the way we would like to receive it, but we should be listening to and watching our partners to understand what kind of love language they want to receive.

For example, I know that my love language is acts of service. I love when someone will take a chore off my plate and I do not have to do it. However, my husband’s love language is physical touch. He loves hugs, cuddles, and being close to me. We have had to modify these behaviors for each other, knowing that each other prefers a different love language. As we explore each love language, try to figure out which fits you and your partner best.

Physical Touch

Physical touch can be very important for some people as a love language. You may immediately think that this means sex, which there is an aspect of that for romantic relationships, but it is more about closeness and comfort. For some, physical touch is important because the physical closeness of their partner can make them feel safe and secure. Physical touch also releases oxytocin, a hormone that naturally makes us feel safe, warmth, and comfort.

A back rub, a hug, or even a squeeze on the shoulder can release oxytocin causing us to feel joy and love for our partner. Physical touch has also been shown to help your immune system, which is why you’ll hear many doctors encourage parents to hold and comfort their children when they are sick. If you prefer physical touch make sure you communicate with your partner what you like and how it makes you feel.

Quality Time

Spending time together is not just about being in the same room. Time together needs to be intentional and not an afterthought. If your partner prefers quality time with you over other love languages, make sure you are setting aside time for them daily or weekly to connect with them. By finding time to focus on your partner they will feel important and loved. This time together does not need to be anything extravagant. A short walk, making a meal together, or simply sitting together for some good conversation. An activity where you can focus on each other is best for quality time. So put down the phone, turn off the tv, and focus on your partner.

Words Of Affirmation

Do you think about a compliment you received weeks ago and it still brings a smile to your face? Then your love language may be words of affirmation. This love language refers to communicating your love, appreciation, and respect to your partner. The goal is to encourage and lift up your partner with your words of affirmation to them. A simple compliment may mean the world to them and make their day all the better.

The nice thing about this language is that it can be spoken or written as well. A handwritten note goes a long way in showing love for your partner, especially because they can save your note and refer back to it whenever they want. Even a simple “I love you” text during the day can have a positive effect on your partner. Remember the goal is to express how much you love, care, and value your partner.

Acts of Service

Do you love it when someone does a chore for you, a miniscule task to make your life easier, or just something that you enjoy to make you happy? Your love language may be acts of service. I am one of those people. I love when someone makes a phone call for me, grabs me an extra treat or drink, or does a chore I am dreading to do. Acts of service do not have to be grand gestures for the recipient, and can be as tiny as getting the mail from the mailbox.

Acts of service can take on many different forms, but ultimately it is giving up your time for your partner and doing something you know will brighten their day and make them feel loved. It can be time-consuming and even exhausting at times, but it’s worth it because it is how your partner needs to be shown love. Your partner will feel so appreciated and happy you have done something just for them because you love them.

Giving/Receiving Gifts

It is safe to say that everyone likes to receive a gift. However, it can mean more to some people than others. This love language, like the others, is about feeling valued and like someone is taking care of you. Gifts to and from others do not have to be expensive, just thoughtful. Love looks and feels like a tangible item, no matter how extravagant or small.

Gifts can look like buying food for your significant other when you know they are hungry and haven’t eaten, bringing them coffee when they are at work, getting tickets to their favorite show or movie, or leaving a small gift somewhere for them to find. Giving a gift could also be gifting an experience to your significant other, which can also help you with quality time. Sometimes just giving the gift of yourself and your attention can show your partner how much you love them.

Final Thoughts

Now that you are versed in the love languages it is important to stress that everyone has a different love language. Like the example I gave at the beginning with my husband and I, everyone’s love language looks different. But there are great benefits to knowing and understanding what your partner’s love language is and how to fulfill it.

By speaking your partner’s love language, it can help you develop better communication and intimacy with your partner. You may learn a lot about each other and create a closeness and an understanding that may not have been there before. Practicing love languages may also help you in understanding how your partner experiences love, both in giving and receiving. Knowing how to show love in a meaningful way can build a relationship up and make it stronger.

Regular communication about you and your partner’s love language is essential to practicing love languages with each other. Your love language may change or morph over time, as may your partner’s. It is important to check in with each other and keep the conversation going. By taking these little steps you will both feel more valued and appreciated by the other person. With knowing each other’s love language, you will both likely be more thoughtful in your relationship with each other and with other people too.