RUTH AND MIKE WHILEY: 50 Years of Love and Lupus

How and when did you meet?

I was recruited from Ball State University in Indiana for a teaching position in 1971 in Lancaster, Ohio. Mike had recently been discharged from the Army and was working in an electronics store. We probably never would have crossed paths until a mutual friend introduced us in the spring of 1972. We married on June 23, 1973. We will celebrate our 50th anniversary in June. I was diagnosed with lupus a few months later in the fall of 1973.

How have you best supported each other during your lupus journey?

We were newlyweds when I was diagnosed, so not only was lupus new but just being a married couple was new. I was just starting my third year of teaching, so I ended up taking an unpaid leave of absence for the rest of the school year. We relied on my husband’s salary and insurance during that time. When I was able to return to teaching in the fall, Mike was able to leave his job and find a more fulfilling occupation, so it was my turn to be the breadwinner. We respected each other’s career choices.

What kind of challenges have you overcome together in your lupus journey?

Probably the biggest challenge was the stillbirth of a much wanted baby daughter. We waited a few years before deciding to try to start our family, with the blessings of my doctors. However, things didn’t go as planned, and it put a fear into us of trying again. We decided to start our family through the process of adoption, and in 1979 we adopted a six-year-old boy and our family was complete.

What do you love most about each other?

Mike said that he loves my persistence, understanding, positive attitude and how I care about others. I love everything about Mike. He has stayed by my side through all the ups and downs of lupus. He doesn’t take life too seriously which allows us to stay upbeat. He has learned to accept my mood swings as part of the deal and allows me to de-escalate so we can just move on. It has worked for 50 years!

What has life with a chronic illness taught you about marriage?

A chronic illness has a life of its own. Things can be going along well and suddenly you have a new surprising situation. I had never experienced Raynaud’s Syndrome until suddenly my hands became extremely painful and my fingers were turning black. I was diagnosed with a form of gangrene and fortunately was referred to the correct specialist. It never occurred again. Just gave us a frightening few weeks.

What unexpected hurdles have you had to overcome?

We love to travel and have been fortunate to go many places over the years. The past few years with COVID taking over society and my loss of strength and ongoing balance issues, we have had to put a halt to travel plans at the present time.

What have you learned from each other?

I know I have learned how lucky I am to have Mike as my husband. He has continued to do all of his chores around the house, mainly outside, but he has taken on more and more of my responsibilities inside the home. We both have learned that we are stronger than we thought we were.

What advice would you give to couples learning to live with a chronic illness?

We were at a bit of an advantage. We really don’t know what married life would be like without having someone experiencing a chronic illness since this started during our first few months. Just be as understanding as you can be. The spouse without the illness has needs, too, and should never be forgotten in the scenario. We have friends experiencing all kinds of chronic illnesses, including ALS and MS, so you are definitely not alone.